Where is my happily ever after?

[tiredsally]

I don’t know if I’m valued at all.

Last year, he forgotten my birthday coz it was two days after we shifted to the new house. He said next year he will compensate to me.

This year, he treated his parents to $200+ dinner a few days before my birthday and then later on when I asked him where is my birthday present or ‘celebration’ he said he didn’t have the budget to give me anything but promise he will ‘compensate’ me in future.

It is like no one in the world care if I existed to want to be bothered about celebrating my birthday. Even if it is 3 pieces of ferro rocher chocolate and I will also be happy with it. But there was nothing.

Till date, I have $50000 bank debts because I used these money to lend it to him to pay off his losses in casino gambling and stocks and shares. He himself has $150000 bank debts.

Everytime he borrows, he promised to return very soon. Usually borrow 5k return 2k, then 3k takes forever… so overtime it snowballed to 50k over the past few years.

I have been wanting to break up, but he said he won’t return my money if I did. So I stayed on. We enjoy going out, dining, movies, traveling, etc.

But every week, we will have something to quarrel. Something small, and insignificant, but we will end up shouting, and him cursing me, cursing my health, cursing I will never find a good man and end up with a terrible man, cursing my family health, threatening not to return my money…

But after a few hours, we will become normal again. We talk and promise each other it will not happen again. He will tell me how much he loves me and how he will be nice to me if I can stop being so bad-tempered. He wants to be nice to me, but I will have to do it first.

And when he is happy, he is nice and listens to me and do things my way.

But when he is not happy about me after we quarrel, all sorts of nasty comments come out of his mouth and he will do things deliberately to irritate me, upset me, he will turn all the ‘secrets’ and bottom of my heart feelings I’ve told him and make sarcastic remarks and make fun of me, and he will say things like why my family turns out to be like this and has misfortunes is because of my bad karma… he can even say nasty things about my nephew and niece and siblings and curse them even though they have done nothing to offend him



But in ordered to ‘recover’ my money, I stayed in the relationship. We applied for a flat and got it. I really like the house but wanted to back out because I know I will have to get married in order to get the house. We quarreled over this many times and he said he will curse me and my family and create trouble for my family if I back out from the house.

So we got the house and got married… for one year now.

We had an argument and stop talking for a few days now.

I’m thinking of divorce. But there will be financial losses on the house so he won’t agree and I don’t want to have further financial losses as well. I’m hoping that even if he don’t return my 50k, I still can get it back from the proceeds of the house. Which means I will have to live like this for the next four years, being a ‘room mate’ on the same bed, hopefully I can recover the money, sell the house and earn some money and move on.

Some of the stupid things we quarrel:

1) I didn’t want to ride the rollercoaster with him and told him many times, which he thought I was joking, and when he realized I was serious, he made a big fuss out of it because he didn’t want to be seen as alone in the queue, so we quarreled. He shouted at me in the theme park, use ‘ah beng’ kind of attitude and gesture to lecture me

2) while doing laundry, one of his sock dropped behind the washing machine, so when he was folding his clothes, he realized that and came to me angrily why I didn’t do a good job and why I was so careless and insisted that I should stop my own laundry and dig the load to see if his sock was there…

3) cooked him dinner but didn’t cover the dishes up and left them on the table, so when he came back and saw the dishes, he scolded me and made a big fuss

4) usually I’m the one mopping and vacuuming the floor, and every day he will pick his nose and flick the dirt onto the ground without thinking, constant picking of nose while watching tv and he feels that is ok, but when he sees that after a few days of not vacuuming the floor, my hair are all over the floor, he will be angry at me for not doing my part

And many times during our traveling, we will end up quarrelling and go our separate ways, then after a while he realizes he didn’t want to be alone and will find him and tell me to listen to him or he will make my life super miserable and create trouble for me and my family if I didn’t go his way… so he will tell me that now that he has cooled down and talked to me first, I should not bear grudges, and he will tell me that I’m the one not putting in efforts to make things way and I’m the one making trouble for him


Furthermore, we only had sex three times in the past one year. Before marriage, it was also just a few times a year because I don’t really like the idea of premarital sex. I didn’t know this will become a permanent thing. He said he wanted to have kids with me in future but I don’t see it possible. It may or may not be a good thing to have so little sex, at least for now, I don’t have to be forced to do one more thing that I don’t enjoy because I don’t feel love by him at all. But I do want to feel love and appreciated and have a normal relationship and sex life like other couples. He always tell me that there are couples who are worse than us whereby the husband won’t listen to the wife at all, won’t do nice things at all, etc and that at least he does it some times, and when we travel to enjoy the luxury things we really have lived it all, etc

I’m thinking of keeping low for the next 4 years and then sell the house, split the money, divorce him…

I know it is so stupid not to move on, and I have already wasted my all my 20s on a lousy relationship and now I'm waiting until mid 30s before I can finally be free...

But what will I become when I'm finally free? Will I be able to find a good man and get married and stay happily ever after?


i need some advice and opinions...

what are the things that ladies look for in their men, relationship and marriage?

i don't know if i'm asking too much...


there are good times and happy things that he does for me
1) he cooks and cuts fruits, brings me drinks whenever i request
2) he puts the laundry into the washing machine sometimes by himself and whenever i ask him to
3) he irons his own clothes
4) he folds his own clothes, but very seldom he folds my clothes and often placed them in the wrong stack
5) he takes me out every weekend, and on weekday nights whenever we feel like it
6) we hold hands and can chat happily whenever we go out
7) he drives me to visit doctor even in the middle of the night
8) when he does mop the floor, he does it very thoroughly and polishing it
9) every few weeks he automatically wash the toilet
10) he will drive me to places I want to go and places I want to eat
11) although he gambles and plays stocks and shares, he works hard to earn money and pay all the household bills on time, it’s just that earn a lot but also spend a lot kind of lifestyle

Are these good characteristics?

Are these enough and should I just ignore that his temper in bad and will say nasty things whenever we quarrel? Because when we don’t, he tells me nice things and do nice things

Just that he is not romantic nor into intimacy with me

I’m wondering if I get a romantic and more sexual guy, will it be a trade off on all those basic nice characteristics? And how long will things last for romance and sex?

Is there really a good package man out there who will like me and reciprocate my feelings back?

What if I end up with a nicer guy in the beginning and it only last a short while? What will happen to when I’m old and feeble and the guy I’m stuck with has no sense of responsibility at all…

Should I just give and take in this relationship? Be nice to him so that he will be nice to me and forget about everything that happened in the past… start afresh?

 

[cuclainne]

your reasons for staying is just wrong, wrong, wrong ...

if he earns a lot, then why don't he put aside the spend a lot attitude and try to pay the debts first?

he is continually digging a hole for himself and you are just going along with it and joining him ..

 

[wat_are_dreamz]

Hi Sally, i feel that deep in ur heart, u do have an answer but u are not willing to let go.

Dun waste anymore of ur youth on tis man. Apply for a divorce n let go of the $ tat he owes u. No point to tie urself down just for $50k. U deserve ur own happiness. U have nva really stood up for your own rights in the r/ship. Enough is enough. Pls learn to love n value urself more. Whether others value u is not so impt. First n foremost, u have to respect n value urself.

I sincerely hope tat u can step out of tis marriage tat appears to be going nowhere n does not value add to ur happiness. There are too many 'what ifs' in the world. Dun think too far/much. Take the first step in ur life to have a firm open talk with ur hubby. If his response is lousy, then consult a lawyer to seriously discuss about separation n divorce.

Life is too short for unhappiness, frequent quarrels n feeling uncared for.

 

[susanna_low]

Because of 50k, u r wasting years of ur life while $$ can always be earned n u can't turn back the time, youth n stop the endless verbal abuse which is taking a toll on ur self-esteem n mental health. It is unhealthy on the long run.

Or izzit 50k is a excuse for u not to move on in fear of being "left on shelf" in the future??
Do u ever realise that being single is much beta than being in a bad r/s?? At the v least, spend good quality time with ur loved ones n friends instead of being constantly abused. You can even focus and work hard on ur career to save more $$$$ instead of being ladden with debts...Life is so much worth living !! ~ You do not nid to rely on a man to survive n be happy!!

Do a self reflection on urself too. Ur hb behaved like a spoilt kid n throw tantrum when u never throw in to his whims. U play a part to mould him into a man like that too by giving in to him most of them n not taking a firm stand.

Nobody is able to tell u on what u should do. U should learn to make the right decisions and make a firm stand about it. It is ur life, ur own happiness. U only live once.

 

[tomasulu]

I've very little sympathy towards your predicament. You can't be making that many bad decisions in life and still expect good outcome from them. In fact you should be thankful that your life isn't much worse than it's now.

 

[miloice]

"Are these good characteristics?"

What do you honestly think? You have the answers. why ask such a stupid question. You know the answer.

Its consistent with your entire mentality. You stay on to 'recover' the money when you already know its not working and you are not at all happy with the relationship and marriage. Putting it bluntly, you are being foolish. IS your life and happiness only worth 50k?

 

[simpleman]

sally,

I can do all that you listed and more more..

So you want to marry me?

Can't you see that there is nothing you are taking from this relationship..

Stop wasting your time or you will really grow old and unattractive..

 

[tiredsally]

hi cuclainne,

in your opinions, what are the right characteristics and reasons a woman should expect from a man in order to stay on in the relationships?

 

[cuclainne]

First of all, no person should be dependent on someone else for their own happiness - so you have to look out for the no. 1 and that is yourself!

Re: your birthday expectations, please understand that it is your expectations and not his. For my birthdays, my husband leave it to me to decide where I want to go for dinner - sometimes I even have to make the reservations myself. Do i get upset? Nope - at least I get to make myself happy by choosing to go to my fave restaurant.

Personally i never ever lend money to boyfriends. Once a bf asked to borrow $200 from me, so I quickly got out of that relationship. I am not their ATM and it shows me how they are with their finances.

I hope you realise that no man, who says he loves you, will treat you in the manner that you have been treated. but at the same time, you are 'feeding' his behaviour by giving him money, marrying him, staying on!

You stayed together with him to recover your money, you got married with him because you like the house .. all these are wrong reasons to stay in a relationship.

 

[tiredsally]

can anyone tell me what it is like in your relationship?

what is your husband like? what does he do that make you happy and what does he do to make you upset?

i know everyone has different likes and dislikes and opinions... i just hope to know more and rethink everything

 

[cys]

does it matter to benchmark with others HBs? because u r missing the point. your hb won't change even if you try to tell him how good others hb are, it will make him angrier. what is in your HB can't be changed. i support your earlier thoughts, lie low for next 4 years and file for divorce. as for the monies, i doubt you can get it back, just treat it as an expensive lesson, build up you savings again.

 

[tiredsally]

i'm not using it as benchmark

i'm just wondering what makes other women feel satisfied and happy with their husbands, the expectations of them, and also what upsets them. becoz sometimes i feel i am asking and expecting too much, and if i were to divorce, i might not be able to go into a relationship with the right expectations...

it's difficult to share with friends and family because they might not want to share personal details face to face because there are people we all know and are related, that's why i'm asking people here...

right now, i'm just letting things be and not doing anything because i have so many things going on in my mind, i don't think i can do and plan for things and not have regrets in future

maybe i might regret not doing anything now in a few years time, but i don't want to regret making a decision now when i'm so confused as well

 

[tiredsally]

hi evon poon, thanks for your reply and opinions. u r right i have an answer in my heart, i'm just not doing anything and feeling confused at the same time

i don't know if i can give myself the kind of ideal happiness
don't know if i know what happiness to seek out for when i'm single again
don't know if i can start a new relationship with the right expectations and without the shadows of the past

don't know so many things...

we have many serious talks... survived a few weeks of no quarels and peace many times also... but like a regular cycle, things pop up time and again and back to square one

i'm hoping our temper will mellow down when we are older...

or will we just ignore each other and live a sad life when we are old like what i see in some older couples... because they don't want to get out of a lousy relationship as well?

 

[miloice]

Sally, you are not happy in the relationship. Can you see any future with confidence?

Frankly, why are you asking for things of others. The answers to your questions has to come within. Read up more books about understand relationships and how different gender traits are. Reflect within. It is absolutely necessary for you to discover what you really want and need. The more you rely on others to tell you the longer you shoot in the dark and repeat the same mistakes because you don't take responsibility over your life and discover for yourself want you need. Seems both you and your partner are blamers. Anger management is something you need to be proactive to work on. Learning to be more understanding and patient, to see beyond your own perspective, applying empathy.

Take charge. You have met a lousy man, cut the loses and grow up. Time wait for no one. You will grow old regardless if your mentality is still the same.

It is like a staff asking his manager how to be successful. He want good numeration and progression but clueless on what he can do to improve. Tell others his problems but no intent or determination to make the change. Do you think he deserve any progression?

 

[susanna_low]

There is nothing to compare as the lifestyle of every couple is entirely different.

However, we should step into a marriage with the right mindset instead for the wrong reasons or monetary gains etc..

Respect n responsibility are the few basic elements to make a marriage work like respect and not being yelled n scream for trival matters like a kid.

For someone who's married for yrs, I choose my hb because I know that he is someone that my children and I could count on and always be there for us, the type of security and safe feel. He is neither a romantic person who say honey coated words nor splurge on expensive gifts or plan romantic dinner but somebody who started to plan for our retirement ever since we got together and savings/education plans for his children before we have any. Till now, he think for everything in advance for us and even till the day if he is not around *touchwood*. Currently, he request for postings to work in overseas so that we could live a more comfortable life.

I just happened to know a few new friends today. They told me that they dread to return home because their parents quarrelled daily and often broke into violent fights till the police came, @ least once a week. Another one had sucicidal thoughts too because of family affairs.
For sure, I do not want my children to grow up in a environment like that nor want to live my life like that till the end too.

Living happily is the main priority of my life.

 

[miloice]

"becoz sometimes i feel i am asking and expecting too much, and if i were to divorce, i might not be able to go into a relationship with the right expectations..."

You are not expecting too much... you are expecting things you are clueless if its even important to you. Don't get into any relationship or make any decision simply based on what others are saying. Even if you divorce, don't get into a rebound relationship. Get your thoughts sorted out first!

 

[lunaaa]

Seriously, you are better off without him. I think you are scared of being alone, hence all these questions about being happy with a new person. We all are afraid of being lonely but I think you're better off single than with him. Stop finding excuses, stop cowering under him. You deserve better.

 

[miloice]

"You deserve better."
not sure abt that. She deserve exactly what she is getting. No one force her to do anything. Its really her own doing to stick in the mud in the hopeless hope to recover her money.

Until she can finally learn her lesson and take charge of her life, she will always find herself the victim of her situation.

The very first question in the title already show the unreal expectation.... "Where is my happily ever after?" come on... How old is she? 10 yrs old? Fairy tales are for kids and we don't need a fairy tale to be happy.

 

[simpleman]

sally,

The most important thing is to know yourself first.

If you DO NOT know anything, how can you be sure of securing your happiness. You have got to find out what makes you happy..

Forget about expectation.

Let me tell you this.

I am very happy precisely because I have no or very low expectation of what life has to offer me. Already, being able to live the today with no major illness and fully able-bodied and to breathe in the air - is a marvel to me. Yes, I expect to be able to breathe in the air, to eat, sleep, work, have time with loved ones and do the things I like to do - that is all I need.

I give the happiness to myself. I don't expect other people to give me happiness on a plate.

Just shift the focus on what you have today.. not what you hope to have. Be happy with what you have today and then you can pursue what you want tomorrow - to me, it is already good enough.

If you are not happy or at peace with what you have today - then it is going to be a struggle.. and you don't even know what you are aiming for. And you are asking about other people expectations of a happy life?

 

[tiredsally]

easier said than done to focus on what i feel is happiness and what i'm given today...

 

[miloice]

This is exactly what I'm talking about.... the self defeating and victimizing mentality.

Everyone else has to go through life too. We don't have everything easy either. Precisely why u get what you deserve. You pick a lousy man for your marriage and stick with your need to remain in misery, hang on to hopeless hope that it will turn out fine and worry that you will screw up even beyond this relationship. Have you done anything that would improve the situation??

You screw up largely because of your self defeating mentality. So what if you fail, you need to pick up the pieces and learn the lessons. The more you fear mistakes the more indecisive you get and NOTHING will happen for you. You will continue to be clueless and miserable.

You are reaping what you sow. Go on, expect your partner to keep your clothes in the way u want. I just get a maid to do my laundry and keep them myself in any manner i want them. Absolutely no value or need to consider about this in a mate!

 

[susanna_low]

In this world, nobody can make us sad or happy except ourself. Only u urself can give urself happiness.

It's the same theory of being abused or debts ladden, u make choices n it's not as though u r being forced @ gunpoint.
If u firmly say no, nobody can force u.

To improve the situation, u will have to think of a step to step solution and try to walk out of it.

By continuing to stay in the same circle n hoping for some miracle to happen, things will forever be same in 10,20yrs time.

 

[susanna_low]

I give the happiness to myself

I agreed with SM. I m happy when I wake up to a beautiful morning n having my fav laksa with kopi, spending quality time with my loved ones.

These simple daily things to me are happiness.

 

[renerene]

One day a man was walking down the street on his way to work. As he walked down the street, there were dogs on just about every front porch and they all would bark as the man walk passed them. However, there was one dog that he remembered, because this dog was just sitting there and he was whimpering and whining and moaning, you know the little whimpering sounds dogs make when they are wounded or in some sort of pain. Well, this particular dog was just sitting there on the front porch making those sounds. The man was curious as to why this dog wasn’t barking like the other dogs and why he was whimpering. He couldn’t figure it out, so he just kept walking to work. The next day he was in the same situation where he was walking down the street and saw the dogs barking once again and this same dog that was moaning and groaning the other day was doing the same thing today and he just couldn’t figure it out. Well, he walked passed for an entire week and everyday the dog would be there moaning and groaning. So, finally the guy got fed up, he said, “let me find out what’s going on.â€

So he went and knocked on the door and a guy came out and said, “Yes, how may I help you?†He said, “Sir, is this your dog?†“Yes, that’s my dog.†“Well, what’s wrong with him?†The owner of the dog said, “What do you mean?†“Well, he’s been sitting here moaning and groaning, whimpering and whining for an entire week. The rest of the dogs are barking, your dog should be barking too, why is he moaning and groaning?†The owner said, “Well, he’s actually sitting on a nail.†And the guy said, ‘What! Your dog is sitting on a nail. Why doesn’t he get off?†“Well, it just doesn’t hurt him enough.†-.

Wow! You know most people are like that dog sitting on a nail. I mean, sure, they would like to get off the nail, but what if they got off the nail and they died or something? They never seem to stop to consider that maybe they would be healed, maybe they would be free, maybe they would be able to move about and discover some new and exciting options for their lives. But, NOOO. Instead, they just sit there on that nail because they’re not sure what’s going to happen if they get off. I mean, there are no guarantees of safety so to speak. Even though, it’s not the best feeling in the world, sitting on a nail, I mean, it’s not comfortable sitting on a nail, it kind of hurts, but at least they know what to expect.... They may even get upset with you if you question their so called security, I mean, if you hand them a book or tape program or tell them about a seminar that can give them some effective strategies for getting off nails, they may resent you for it.

... you and I both know that there is no such thing as security. Well, maybe I should take that back. I do know of a place where security exists on this planet. It’s called the graveyard. And you know what, most people tip toe through life so that they can arrive at the graveyard safely...

Source: http://www.paulferraresi.com/2007/05/16/like-nail/

 

[tiredsally]

that is such a funny story!

precisely, i find myself ridiculous as well, like tearing my own skin and see how much pain i can tolerate

 

[tiredsally]

nobody make me choose him or lend him money... no guns... just him nagging at me... so i chose to follow his way to stop the nagging

because once the nagging stops, he is back to normal to the kind of guy that i like and enjoy being with...

so if i don't care so much about money and don't care so much about being treated like a modern's day woman, then i can be very happy being with him...

women in the past have all these virtues of being nice to their husbands... these virtues that i don't have... maybe i should relearn my values...

 

[miloice]

"so if i don't care so much about money and don't care so much about being treated like a modern's day woman, then i can be very happy being with him..."

Is that really so? Ask youself, why are you so miserable then? You should be so happy right? U don't care the money, he will make u happy!

Can I get to know u? I can do all those you hope for. Then, I just nag at u till u give me money. A very good deal!

 

[cuclainne]

sally, if you didn't care about those things, you wouldn't be here asking about other people's expectations of their own relationships ..

 

[tiredsally]

so confused...

 

[cuclainne]

if you didn't care so much about being treated like a modern's day woman, then don't have any more opinions of your own - if he says ride rollercoaster, then say ok with a smile even if you don't feel like it. if he says give me money, then say ok with a smile even though you worked hard for that money.

 

[susanna_low]

Things are not as simple as that, u choose to lend him the $$ n u feel unhappy about it n also by giving him, u are also encouraging him in his habits.

My frd's hb gambled away his wedding angbaos, owed bank 50k and stole her savings. Devastated, she decided to annul her marriage and this was her last straw.

However he proven himself by self-banning himself from casinos, work double job to repay his debts and swear to stop gambling. He change himself because he love her and cannot afford to lose her.

If u continue to indulge him just to stop him from nagging, it will snow balled into a bigger issue in the future. Perhaps u will also have to evaluate this marriage. Are the two of u together out of love or benefits? Did u really love each other?

 

[tiredsally]

but there are modern women who give in to their husbands... like staying with in laws although they dying to get out of the house...

my in laws moved to our house to stay, they intended to stay forever, but i told my husband to ask them to move out and he did...

so should i give and take for his other flaws? since he listens to me sometimes... and i should listen to him sometimes?

 

[miloice]

Sally, actually, are you only calculating money that you chipped in for your marriage and not his? Do you contribute in anyway to the daily expenses?

Seems not clear from what you mentioned so far.

 

[cuclainne]

there is a line between compromising and giving in .. don't mistake one for the other.

and i don't believe in making myself miserable - not for anyone!

 

[susanna_low]

U can close a eye to minor flaws however for those that can get u into major trouble, u should firmly say NO even if he throw tantrum or turn abusive. Don't ever be soft hearted.

Learn to draw the line. If u want to give him a chance, he have to work out a financial solutions to clear his debts instead of adding on debts. U might even lose the flat in the long run. Let him know that u r not afraid to walk out of this marriage n lead ur own life.

When he don't even treasure u, u think there's any point to hang on there???

 

[tiredsally]

house reno & furnishings - about 50%
wedding - about 50%

utilities, cable tv, property tax, car installment,petrol, carpark, dining out, movies - 100% he pays

groceries - i shop i pay, usually 80% of the time i shop...

travel - he suggested he pay, i suggested i pay

 

[tiredsally]

he quit 10 years of smoking for me...

but he will never quit gambling... the past few years he has tried to limit the frequency to casino but never will quit...

 

[miloice]

He has a gambling issue. Its not about quitting. Its about spending beyond his limits. i.e. lacked the much needed discipline to take up the highly addicted hobby.

But, u need to look at the relationship on the whole. Its highly unhealthy.
- 3 times sex annually.
- no basic communication in conflict management
- financial management is a mess.

So, why are you hanging on past reasons like he quit smoking or he let his parents move out. Look ahead. Where are you guys heading in this sexless, disfunctional marriage?

 

[tiredsally]

shao nian fu qi, lao lai ban?

 

[powder]

kinda amazing that with such bad traits, u can still get a gfren... simply amazing...

 

[freezer]

Hi Sally

I think gambling more than what 1 can afford is very dangerous. Since you do not have any kids with him yet, I think it is a blessing....as u can walk out of this marriage easily...just perhaps with a broken pocket and a broken heart. From what I read, you are still in your early 30s? Dun worry, I am sure you will still find someone if you are willing to take the first step to walk out of this man first.

I also feel that he shouldn't be threatening to do harm to your family etc when you both quarrel. This is really childish. Does he ever get violent? DOesn't mean that he hits you...but does he throw things, or smash on things?

Still, leave him before you have any kids, leave him before you get any older...

I will give up the 50K, if it can grant you the freedom from him. My only concern for you is how real are his threats that he will harm your family if you leave him?

 

[susanna_low]

Did he ever initiate to be intimate with u? For only 3 times per yr, does both of u sleep far apart?
Hopefully he's not hiding things from you n seeking from somewhere instead.

 

[freezer]

Milo, Ting Yi

Your comments make me ponder...

i guess some couples are not sexual? Some are more like soulmates perhaps? Can a marriage really survives for long without sex actually? Can committment and responsiblity keep a marriage forever without sex?

 

[cuclainne]

Adele, yes that may be true for some couples but sally is complaining about it which means that there is a disparity - she wants more but isn't getting it.

 

[tiredsally]

he has foul mouth, likes to rattle all sorts of nasty comments when he is angry... he wont do it...

if i push him he will push back... hit him then he hit back... he is like the irritating classmate who wun back off until he gets his way... very childish...

 

[freezer]

cuclainne,

i think sally did mentioned that she also doesn't feel like it. But just can't help thinking is this normal.

anyhow, she has no kids now, really....choice is so much easier. The answer is very very obvious.


Actually, this leads me to another question. If a woman wants to walk out of a marriage but is staying on for the young children, how old should the children be before they are mature enough and will not have a big impact if parents are to divorce?

 

[cuclainne]

Adele, she also mentioned that she wants to be loved and have a normal relationship and sex life ... actually i think she doesn't know what she really wants.

Personally i feel that it's better to have the child(ren) raised in two loving households than one that is full of arguments, cold wars, etc. Just because parents divorced and no longer with one another, means that the parents' ties to the child is severed. My ILs separated when my husband was about 11 years old - they have both gone on to other relationships, my FIL having another 2 children with his second wife. According to the husband, they are better off being friends than when they were married and they still meet each occasionally for dinner, to talk about their children - my hubs and his younger brother. On the other hand, my parents divorced just 5 years ago and although I would love for them to have the same kind of friendship my FIL and MIL have, they detest each other .. a lot! And also because of my father's behaviour/ attitude, he has no close relationship with me or any of my siblings since then.

Despite us both coming from 'broken' homes, it makes me and the husband even more determined to see our marriage through the ups and downs together.

 

[tiredsally]

if the woman stays in a marriage for children, probably will stay for as long as the children needed the family...

until the children become old enough to start their own family?

 

[tiredsally]

so everyone here knows what they wants?

 

[freezer]

sally

actually everyone has different needs and expectations. Really, some woman may want the heaven and earth from the husband. Some may just require very basic requirements, like don't go out have another woman...some may just even close 1 eye if hb flirts, but as long as hb knows how to return home every night...so i guess it differs... there is no 1 answer.

So, you must know what you want really.

Just that from the way you described about your hb, he doesn't seem like a good man at all. Say you are 30 years old now... and you get to live till 80 years old....that's ANOTHER 50 years leh...do you want to waste it with this man?? Think about it. As I said, you have no KIDS to tie you down.... the decision is very obvious. It is never easy to leave any relationship. but you just have to take the first step..