What to do when your spouse tells you he doesnt want any kids?

[shaboo]

Dear All,
I wish to seek some advices on what we should do when our spouse suddenly says they do not plan to have any kids after being married for a few years. Would you feel cheated in some sense? Would their decision change someday? What can we do to help them change their decision on kids?

 

[buddhabar]

Havnt you guys spoken on this prior to marriage?
If this is his only stance since day 1, you have to respect his decision.
If he had change his mindset on kids along the way, then you would need to talk to him
on his concerns. He could have his worries , emotional or financial
aspect. Something experience or event could have trigger his change in mindset.
you would need to understand before you can possibly swing him back.

 

[miloice]

humm.... was there any assumption all the while? or its something your partner decides and tell you suddenly. Could it be due to events that happened in the family, with the in laws? Often, the partner do not feel confident and fear the implications with kids. Either with the relationship between the couple or with in laws. It is rather common actually. Your partner is having reservations about the marriage.

 

[shaboo]

Thanks Buddhabar & miloice for the advice.
We have been married for 3 years, I had clearly spoken to him that I hope to have kids in this marriage before we got married. He agreed & seems that he likes kids too.
But somehow, things seemed to change along the way as time passes. I don't think any events could have triggered his change of mindset. His friends were all daddy now, but he wasn't the least influenced by his peers. There isn't any financial constraints now too.
I felt deceived in some way & I feel very angry & hurt about this.

 

[miloice]

You need to talk to him to understand what is going on. Your feelings is completely valid. He don't decide alone to just change plans. He owns you an explanation.

 

[ideal]

Yup shaboo, find a time have a good heart to heart chit chat with him..find out the root cause and face it together..maybe there are some issue that he is hiding..dont get the wrong idea, as a married couple both parties should come clean..

 

[shaboo]

I've tried to have a heart to heart chat with him many many times. But everytime, he chose to remain silent. Complete silence after all I've said & asked. I know he isn't the type who shares feelings in his heart easily. He's more of the type who thinks a lot & keep things in his heart most of the time. I am losing faith as time goes by.. I am helpless & tired to continue asking him. I really don't know what more can I do. This is my 2nd marriage, my 1st marriage ended in divorce as my ex husband committed adultery. I have lost many precious years of my youth in a marriage which ended with betrayal & hurt. Just as I thought I found happiness this round, it seems im wrong after all. Communication between us has started to break down, intimacy is failing too. We are now more like tenants sharing the same flat & bed. So sad.

 

[ideal]

Hi Shaboo..i guess most man tend to keep stuff within ourself as we wont want to let our partners worried? Its a ego issue i think..its like man wont shed a tears and say pain and put up a brave front..does he drink? If yes mayb can have a lighy drinking session and let him relax and probe him? must be really tactful on it..all the best Shaboo..update us here and we will give u our support..

 

[miloice]

To open up a private person needs patience. Don't stop giving the feedback. Avoid the accusation and assumption, ask for the feedback and be patient for it.

 

[shaboo]

miloice, you are right. Only time can help open up a private person. Looks like theres nothing I can do except to wait.
Ideal, my hubby doesn't drink. So I don't think I can try a drinking session with him.