What should i do?

[willusharemyjoy]

Hi all, i have a problem which i really need advice on as i really just can't figure it out myself. My boyfriend and i been together for 3 years, of course just like any other couples we have our ups and downs but there is one issue which really bothers me a lot.

My boyfriend seems to have issue with me earning more than him and this is not base on my feelings but rather he has voiced it out that he doesnt like his girlfriend earning more than him.I was speechless when he told me this and he was cold to me as though i have hurt his ego. First of all i must make myself clear that i don't and never ever despise him because he is earning lesser.I just don't understand how am i supposed to tackle this problem. I have tried to talk to him that even if i earn more it doesnt make me any different and i swear that i will not despise him. Actually i sort of knew he was unhappy about me earning more than him because he has ever commented why dont i just take any job that pays and not take a job that pays more.

When he ask me if i am getting bonus i wonder to say yes or no because he will sound bitter if i have more than him. I cannot share anything good with him because he will get upset and i cannot even share a single joy with him. Is this the way love should be?

I have accepted him for who he is but he is obviously not accepting me for who i am. I am so afraid we will end up getting a divorce because of the difference we are feeling before marriage. I can depend on myself for a living when we get married but i cannot and no longer am able to take extra care over such minor issue. To me personally i feel if he feels i am earning more he can actually by all means earn more than me too. It isnt even necessary for him to give me cold shoulders over this.

He is upsetting me more than i am upsetting him and what should i do? Be realistic and walk off just because he earns lesser and cannot take it that i am earning more?

 

[infojunkie]

he's a loser...

BIG TIME!

get rid of him.

 

[thommy]

agree with junkie.

your bf is a bloody MCP.

 

[powder]

well, this is gonna be painful for quite abit as long as he feels this way, and u continue to do better than him... u should re-consider the relationship.

relationships are meant for us to strive for betterment and progress, Together... not to compare who is worse-off like those folks at the coffeeshops who feel proud that their life is worse than the other.

in the bigger scheme of things, such daily living issues, life issues - will have its ripple effects...

in order to keep your bfren happy, u might have to slow down at work/career, be equally financially worse than the other... and this could mean that When your parents/siblings/frens/Yourself is in dire need of finances due to medical/hardship grounds... and u Do Not have that ability to see thru the hard times... u might look back and hate him for it... hate him for stifling u.

do think long and hard...

it is better to look for someone who earns less and is Motivated to do better and provide more for u... than one who is gonna feel sore abt it... Junkie said it - he is a big-time loser.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Beware of such a man who wants to pull you down with him to die together.

 

[ariel84]

He is really showing loser-like symptoms, has low self esteem and a big ego. A man who is resentful towards the woman he supposedly loves, because she is doing well in life. Hmm. Not a good marriage partner to have.

 

[powder]

he has ever commented why dont i just take any job that pays and not take a job that pays more.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Will it make you feel better that your bf gives you a monthly allowance equivalent or more than the alimony payout to ex-wife???!!!!!

 

[lhxkel]

Check with him about his committment for the future; into marriage & many more years to come.
Stop whatever you are doing and do a recollection of your relationship before proceeding further; to bigger committments.
Most likely if he is resentful about your current income, he will be no better in future. you cannot proceed further with him having this feeling. He will eventually use this money thing as a start for your arguments.
Think about the time you have invested if in the event, it will not work out. You saw the problem, act on it now or fear regrets.

 

[willusharemyjoy]

He is sore about his life but he doesnt intend to do much and i really dont know what i can do. When i told him he can look for a better offer he accusses me of looking down of him. To begin with he started out grumbling about his life...

i feel as tho no matter what i do or say would hurt his ego and i really feel like i am not capable of taking of his feelings. I have to admit i am tired. Who doesnt want to share a happy news with their partner? He was the last to know every happy news i have and i feel like we are drifting apart because he is narrow minded.

i had a hard time explaining to him that i was encouraging him to get a better job and not like what he thinks that i despise him enough to ask him to get a better job.

I am trying hard to ask myself what is the problem. What can i ever do to resolve it? I put myself in his shoes and i touch my heart to say this that if i feel i am not doing good enough i will strive harder to attain what i want. Between a couple, should jealousy even exist? Am i having the wrong perception about love? I wasnt and did not boast to him how great i am... i feel wronged.i feel lost!

 

[powder]

it's normally either a phase where a person has little confidence and optimism in life... or it could be the person for the rest of his life... u have to make a call on it. some pple stay this negative abt themselves for a lifetime... and there's really nothing u can do abt it.

i've 'lost' some such frens along the way becos meetups are getting tougher and tougher due to topics, affordability of places we can meet, and generally some will just avoid meetups altogether... u have to assess it. it can get very sensitive... expect to be accused of things which are normal, but abnormal in their eyes.

aiming for condos or a 5rn HDB, for cars, for promotion... these are good things that keep us going and give us aim... but in the minds of such individuals - they are all put in a negative light, and u are always guilty of being insensitive.

some never snap out of it... it's gonna be terribly painful. this much i can tell u... most tend to think little of their loved ones, Only themselves.

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi Joy,

Alternatively, you can "brainwash" everyone that you are this cute little girl who don't earn much by dressing the part.

Something like the Korean Pop girl group, SNSD, ultra cute but earning millions. I'm sure your boyfriend don't have problem dating these kind of girls.

Well, I'm guilty of this too. People always think I'm working as an admin girl or school teacher. I like to make people feel good about themselves.

Anyway, there is something good about MCP. They love to take care of their girls, do all the DIY and kill all the nasty pests in the house.

I don't have to do a single thing about house reno or dealing with contractors. They also love to pay for everything and even give you allowance although you are working.

So just be a cute princess, cook some nice food, play some music or sports for him. That's all.

It's only once a year when filing for IRAS that he realise the reality but it will be soon be forgotten because you are just too cute, feign ignorance and distract him with other things.

You can try, don't know whether will work for you or not? Keep us updated, OK?

 

[willusharemyjoy]

Hi Vinnydoo -sumhow or rather you voiced my inner self because i believe his ego is gonna get in the way and i really fear to regret.

Hi Powder, i really feel enlighten and better seeing your reply.


Hi Albee, i wish i could be sweet and cute which he often told me he wished i could do so and stop being career minded and live like a simple woman. I can be and do all it takes to make him happy but i guess i can't. I can take care of his feelings but would he do the same? I think the best way is to live my own life,do whatever i want and either lie or let him discover himself since being truthful is so painful for him.

In the long run, i can only foresee we will go on our seperate ways. I felt i might just be wrong about love. Accepting a person for who he is apparently isnt good enough and my perception never to change someone was wrong as well. All these love was just nonsense and foolish act. Being materialistic seems too realistic, not being one also the same.

 

[infojunkie]

if u guys ever get married, chances r that he will hook up with someone else outside.

someone who is deemed 'lesser' than u.

someone who is his equal and 'complements' him...

watch this if u hv the time:
http://www.tudou.com/playlist/playindex.do?lid=1504126

note: definitely not office safe but it's a gd movie

 

[sgbabydoll]

Oops, my post at 1.15pm was not meant for this thread

 

[powder]

i tend to agree with junkie's last post... that he will eventually be drawn to someone 'weaker' than him, should u guys be together...

i think everyone needs to feel superior to someone, somewhere... personally, i will never slow down my pace to appease anyone unless it is required due to unforeseen circumstances where my family members require my full attention. else i think our best safeguard for our futures - is to maximise and optimise the opportunities when we are young...

it is easier to find a gfren than a career for me... so if forced to choose, or if my gfren forces me to choose... i will always choose career - and this career is a big umbrella for my family, not just me. this is me hor... u have to have your own set of priorities...

 

[sgbabydoll]

"if u guys ever get married, chances r that he will hook up with someone else outside."

Yep, and may even blame you for his extramarital affair.

 

[leibit]

Doll, you are very right. He may even blame TS for his extramarital affair. That's what my ex spouse did. He's so damn similar to what TS said about her bf. And TS's situation is so much like mine moons ago.

Dear joy, wish u all the best in ur resolution with ur bf. Ask urself these questions: Does he really share both joy and sorrow with u? Do u think u feel happy just sharing sorrows with him, so that it sort of make him feel better in the process because he doesn't seem to like to see people happier and earning better than him?

People say, find one who can share sorrow with you. I think it's warp, some people just simply thrive in seeing others being of lesser 'happiness' than them, and when others are happier, they just become sore about it. I think, it's better to find one who can share both good and bad times with you. No more no less.

That's my opinion tho.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Unless you are prepared to sacrifice yourself by doing something stupid like the gf of this Stomp poster http://singaporeseen.stomp.com.sg/stomp/sgseen/stomp_love_story_2011/535716/love_story_she_was_eligible_for_poly_but_went_to_ite.html, who gave up on the chance of a polytechnic education to attend ITE just so to be with the bf. And the stupid boy was selfish and stupid enough to allow that. But then you may think that they deserve each other since they are both so silly in love.

 

[powder]

agree with leibit on her last...

 

[powder]

wah doll, these stomp series of stories... i dun know, i see pple announcing their abortions, their private issues all open with photos of themselves and stuff... i guess i'm still rather conservative but it's hard to imagine the repurcussions of some of the information given, in a bid to glamourise the path to their union...

the pple along the way, the hidden info which were not disclosed previously...

very different generation indeed... the eagerness to publicise their lives.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Powder, spot on.

 

[wat_are_dreamz]

Joy, i'm not sure ur bf is a loser. He might be a MCP who doesnt strive much in life.

Just tot to share smthg tat i observed over the yrs. A couple tat lives in bliss is a couple tat understands each other well, complement each other, support each other n is realistic abt life n thinks for each other to protect n walk down life tgr. Sometimes u put 2 pple tgr n they really cannot match. From the confusion n discomfort u express, I believe u know tat u are not the gal ur bf wants. He is not the supportive n loving, self-confident guy tat u want as well.

We all need n want diff things in life. Ur current bf doesnt sound like the guy u really need n want in life. Thus, u dun truly feel at peace n hapi in the r/ship. Ur bf probably wants a gal who needs him, is dependent, less smart n successful than him. He lacks self-confidence n motivation to do well in life, thus gets frustrated at u n feel tat u shd be contended just being a 'xiao nu ren'. Dun change urself for anyone cos its definitely the wrong one.

Think on it. Some pple cross our paths in life to teach us things or let us realize things abt ourselves. They might not be the ones to stay for a lifetime.

 

[ajumma]

Joy, there are several problems that I see.

First, your boyfriend has a typical MCP attitude that he should earn more than his girlfriend. This is very common. Most men want to be seen as more capable rather than the less capable in a couple.

Second, it appears to me from your posts that you're very proud of your career achievements and you want him to accept you as you are. You don't want to change anything.

Third, you may have unwittingly negated his feelings when you told him to go and find a better job. He doesn't want a solution. He wants you to listen to his feelings.

Finally, I think a woman can earn more than a man with these MCP attitudes if she knows how to be sensitive and play down her achievements. Apologies if you think I'm blunt, but from the tone in your posts, I do not think you're such a woman.

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi ajumma,

I do think you are right. Joy finds it difficult to be sweet and cute around hubby when she is so used to being a power-suited working lady.

But I don't know whether this can be a " Practice makes Perfect " thing. Hope Joy can give it a try.

For me it's a natural thing, even I don't realised it until one of my colleague overheard me on the phone with hubby. She commented my talking is very sweet compared to when I talked to my clients.

Maybe Joy should give it a try, who knows? Maybe everything will work out well in the end.
You never know, if you don't try.

Waiting for your good news, Joy. Jia You!

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi,

But of course, I have met people who are really pessimistic about life.

Loves to grumble about the unfairness of life, sometimes even complain about the weather as if the world must follow his whims and fancies.

Intially, I will comfort him and try to cheer him up. But this is a very tiring job.

I was even blamed that my presence caused the sky to start raining.

Whatever, I just say BYE BYE and never meet him again. It's better not to have TOXIC friends who can drown you with all the pessimism and can still blame you for it. This is the limit. NO MORE. BYE BYE. There are better friends out there, who does he think he is. Emperor? Even Emperor also cannot control the weather.

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi,

There is a limit to trying out. If it doesn't work, Joy should move on.

Most people have a mental checklist of their future spouse. From this forum, I discover there is an inbalance of the checklist between guys and ladies.

There was one guy who state 20 requirements in his checklist. Whereas the ladies just have 1 requirement, " when is he going to marry me? Never mind he is married or 2-timing me, etc..."
I thinks ladies should not try to compromise too much just to get marry.

Try to be like the Men, have more requirements and higher expectations.

 

[mewmoon]

He's making it YOUR problem that he's not earning as much or as capable. Walk away before HE thinks HE is your PROBLEM.

It's not your fault that you're such a capable woman who can stand on her own two feet even without him. I think sweet-talking just delays the inevitable. The root problem is still there. No matter what, Joy is still a high-flyer while her bf prowls around being unsatisfied with his lot and yet unwilling to push himself.

 

[giantemu]

u can never ever overcome his ego. one day, you will run out ideas to pacify his ego.

so, please reconsider this relationship ...

 

[lunaaa]

If he truly loves you, he will want you to excel in your own right and he will be happy for you and strive beside you. A relationship is all about making each other better people in all aspects and being happy together.

 

[willusharemyjoy]

Having achieved what i wanted for my career doesnt make me any different. Its not that i will or i can talk louder and make him less manly. I am not xiao nu ren but neither am i a da nu ren...

 

[ajumma]

Some men are brought up to believe that they should be the main provider in the family. Look at his family and you'll know.

Is his mum a demure housewife? Does his dad earn the keep? It may not be your behaviour that bothers him. The fact that you have a higher pay will already make him feel a little more useless than you if he was brought up in a family where the male earns more than the female.

Have both of you gone for marriage preparation courses yet? It could help you to resolve and talk through this issue. You have to accept that both you and your boyfriend were brought up differently and these ingrained ideas do not change overnight. I think neither should expect the other to accept everything. It should be a compromise.

 

[ajumma]

There was another thread where a husband was perplexed that his wife spends a large amount of time at work, does not want to have children even though she promised him that she would before marriage, and is neglecting her husband and avoiding him by going out with her colleagues. Might your boyfriend's worries also be something along those lines? Have you done your part to reassure him that you will not become like that?

 

[umechan]

I think your bf may be feeling insecure.

Hrmm. Is there any difference in your educational background that could have resulted in your earnings difference? I could be wrong, but would that possibly be a contributing factor?

 

[infojunkie]

ok, dun hurt his ego.

gotta give the frog prince hugs and kisses so he could turn into hunky prince charming.

but the thing is... he's a toad.

think ppl need to understand that not all love stories end happily, haiz...

joy, dun compromise.

勉强是ä¸ä¼šå¹¸ç¦çš„

 

[powder]

i dun get where marriage preparation course comes in, considering that going thru MPC isn't gonna solve primary differences in value/outlook. i'm always amazed when MPC is applied like a Plaster or Bandage... if only the wound is a simpe cut.

on worries on wife spending large amounts of time at work being a possible concern, i think the bottom line here is to earn less, not afford more time. in any case, how to reassure a person who wants u to earn Less??? "dun worry, i'll make sure i'll continually earn less than u for the rest of our lives"?

and IF he's an absolute bum happy with 1.5k selling handphones in toa payoh central til he's 35 - u're fcuked... big time! so will your parents and siblings be equally fcuked! in fact who isn't fcuked? assuming u have to earn 1.4k just to please his crap... your total disposable income isn't even enough to live decently for your age. u can throw your dreams aside for love...

regardless of all the Insecurities, MPC, Maybe's... u ARE fcuked. Big Time.

of cos, if u're on 10k, and he is on 8k... maybe slightly different... but if u're at 10k... i can tell u that it gets harder to control your salary to stay below... there are certain benchmarks whereby once u have crossed - u cannot go back. and who the hell rejects doing the same job for 2-3k more? for love???? (i'll dump the bfren and buy my chanel bag n accessories every month... at least my accessories dun put me thru a guilt trip! hehe)

i think it's important for some of the girls here to look at it more objectively, and in view to building a life with Old Folks and Children in the equation... instead of letting romantic notions get to their head and think life revolves around a couple running away from oppressive parents who forbid their love.

 

[pinktweet]

dump him .. no point changing into xiao nu ren for him .. cos if u do so, you will get tired one day and feel that life with him around is a dread... ... by then, all is too late ..

 

[ajumma]

powder,

I think communication is very important and many couples don't know how to communicate. Heck, my other half and I also face a lot of problems with that, but we do our best.

I agree with you that a marriage prep course is not like a band aid, but I think one of the problems when couples quarrel is that they fail to see the big picture. And going for such a course can help one to figure out what the big picture is.

Couples often focus on their personal feelings, they communicate based on what they feel and they don't realize the bigger context of their quarrel. Like joy, who is fine with her boyfriend earning less, but her boyfriend is not fine with her earning more. If you were brought up in a different home environment, you would end up with different expectations as an adult. But when she points to her boyfriend as the source of the problem, it's already fault finding and not respecting that he also has the right to feel how he feels. Call me cynical if you want, but I doubt most men in Singapore would be fine with their wives earning more than them.

Which is why for couples who have no other major issues in their relationship and who may be on their way to marriage, they should go for a course that will can give them some suggestions on how to communicate and show understanding towards each other.

Not all couples who take the courses get married. Some may choose not to get married. Although the MPC is not a plaster to paste over every problem, it can help the couple to see their future more clearly, which appears to be what joy wants... From my understanding of her first post, she wants to get a better idea of whether she and her boyfriend should get married.

 

[powder]

i disagree, if MPC was that great a source of seeing things... then they should be directly involved in matchmaking, sdu activities, sociel work, helping frens see eye to eye, entrepreneurship, familiy affairds, moral education in school, etc etc...

the fundamentals and building blocks to our mind over 20yrs isn't gonna change over an MPC... u are expecting mPC to arbitrate and cause a major shift in the mindsets of pple who have different values, and a greater issue with Self... this is Not gonna change.

if MPC can alter lifelong beliefs, then it would have served a greater purpose in the fundamental building blocks of our children from a young age. MPC, as the name suggests... prepares u for marriage, it is foolish to think going thru this course can make it occur to her bfren that he is wrong to expect her to always stay beneath him, and that he is just an underachiever who wants to feel good abt himself by only hanging around wi bigger underachievers and by marrying a wife who will forever be weaker to him... abeit forced to act weak.

i agree communication is impt, but this isn't simply an issue that can be covered by Good communication... what's the point of having excellent communication when values are not just mismatched, but they Clash?

i'm sure the north koreans and americans can communicate... but their fundamental needs and wants are never gonna be aligned for now... and certainly no bigger power is gonna get them to agree wholeheartedly and achieve World Peace. just as MPC isn't gonna make her bfren sudenly see the light.

Tell me... if your other half Needs u to earn less, be less... would u even go for MPC? and in going for MPC, are u even confident it's gonna make him suddenly wake up and realisehow wrong he is?

come'on... let's be honest. u can suggest such solutions... but do u really sincerely think u wanna go thru this and risk your entire lifetime by putting faith in MPC?

your faith in someone teaching your other half how to be a real man and embrace values... is certainly strong.

i would just dump the guy and seek a person who shares the same value int the first place... all these need to dig into how come he's like that, dig into his family... pls, u have only 1 life. u got your biological clock, u decide here and now, what's your take.

too many of u spend time trying to correct your mistake despite the mistake not being able to be corrected... sometimes u simply admit the mistake and move on...

if u seriously believe what u said based on the scenario given, then i think u are putting too much faith in 3rd parties to solve your problems for u.

my maths sucks... i dun like maths. i can go for lots of remedials n tutorials, but if i dun even see the need to improve my maths, no teacher is gonna help me... and here u are expecting the lessons to help me score 90marks...

 

[infojunkie]

most men won't feel rite with their wives earning more than them DOESN'T mean it's rite.

i think joy is upset cos her bf is CONSTANTLY finding fault with her earning power to COVER his own inadequacy.

joy doesn't hv a problem with that.

it is her bf who has a problem and he's pushing all the blame to her!

why suffer?

u r what u r.

joy,

life is too short for u to waste time for a lost cause.

go look for someone who respects u for what u r.

 

[powder]

as for ume,

"Is there any difference in your educational background that could have resulted in your earnings difference? I could be wrong, but would that possibly be a contributing factor?"

- how does it even Matter? this is a classic case of not understanding the problem... i dun mean to be rude but why the hell are u looking at the educational background for??? lower educated pple are more 'like dat'?

can that change? are u gonna suggest he goes for enrichment classes to get a freakin doctorate whilst she stays at her current educational background?

even if he is primary school and she is degree, what answer could possibly help u figure out the answer to solve the problem??? is this question even relevant? if her answer is Yes, then? if her answer is No, then? if he is degree and she is primary, should he go jump from swissotel liao?

the whole issue here is with the person, not the paper nor academics.. and focusing on the reasons behind his thinking means what? she Understands him instead... and puts up with it for a lifetime with Great patience n understanding?

why isit so darn difficult for girls to cut loss and lose abit... and instead go round n round a few big circles, lose youth and time, and then settle for less becos biological clock is ticking bla bla, and becos u're getting old... this kind of time wasting over 1 hopeless guy is the same reason why u end up never being with the Right guy! becos u spend so much of your fcuking time with the Wrong One!

not just that, but your fellow womenfolk simply Love applying that little bit of romantic notion in every bit of sad story... somehow, all of them must be like a serial! u know... same guy, same girl, some differences, but happy ending after 100 episodes. sure it's gonna be happy?

PLEASE wake the hell up! u can jump to a different serial with a totally different guy, u can jump to a movie even. just change the bloody guy instead of going on n on n on n on with the same miserable soul like there's only 1 male lead employed thru'out the course of your life!

seriously, maybe it's becos the women in this forum tend to come here at their most romantic excited soon-to-be-wed period... i think u need alot more pragmatism than just ideals and romantic notions. somehow in this forum, the other halves are Always assumed to be well-matched, so nobody questions the choice... but simply talk abt how to change their thinking.

how abt change the bfren?

no wonder local pple like to complain abt their jobs n companies but never have the courage to change their jobs n companies... just complain and stay put.

and what's even sadder is that there's only a handful of pple who can see what i'm saying... the others will instead concentrate on my Tone, on me not being nice, on me being offensive... as if that solves the problem.

 

[leibit]

I FULLY agree with what Powder has pointed out. He has made very relevant and realistic points over here for TS to note. Thanks Powder, I've been through what TS has experienced, and worse. Not a case of comparison here, I sincerely don't wish to see anyone going thru what I had been thru earlier on. Appreciate Powder for putting all the relevant stuffs in words, hopefully, TS will see the point and be real.

TS: You have to move on. When values and beliefs are rather different, it's better to find one who's similar to you, unless you don't mind struggling with such issues later on even in your marriage and raising of kids. Can't imagine in future, you buy toys and books for your kids, and he's gonna say, why you buy this and that...since he most prob won't want/be able to afford more stuffs for the kids. His mentality, you don't understand. Likewise, he doesn't understand your mentality either. Do rethink.

 

[matka]

Hi Joy

It's a good thing that you've come to this realisation before you even get hitched. You've done your best to assure him, and he's still throwing his tantrums. Question is, have you told him how you feel about his reaction to you?

If I were you...

Walk away. But tell him why you are walking away. I do not think he will change his mindset, and if he does, it will take him sometime to do so. But he needs to know the actual reason why. So walk away first. If he ever has a change of heart, it may happen down the road. A long way down, though.

Right now, he's throwing tantrums about you doing better, yet he's just being complacent and not doing anything more about it. If he's satisfied with his position, why can't he be satisfied and appreciative about your ability to do better?

He sounds like the little kid who'll get upset just because he was the loser in a Playstation game.

If he's not going to make the change, it's better that you be the one to make the change. All the best

 

[powder]

ya, i agree the walking away and telling him why may be something good and effective... maybe not immediate, but of cos we'd like to be able to touch lives even if we dun eventually get to be with those we want to... but that's life.

looking back, i think some major changes in ourselves have been effected thru relationships and frens. so this could be the guy u changed, but dun get to be with... well, Life is wonderful and yet bittersweet in this way...

 

[ajumma]

powder,

For a long term relationship and especially for women, it's very hard to walk away when marriage is already on the cards.

Perhaps you think differently, but rather than just walking away and possibly living with regrets, I would prefer to try to work out the problem first.

To take your Maths analogy further, you can't tell your teacher that you suck at it, and therefore, you will not attempt any of the questions.

If you try, at least when you get stuck, someone will lend you a helping hand by giving you some clues on how to solve it. With those clues, you may realize, "Hey this problem is not that hard after all." And thereafter, you will learn how to do other similar problems on your own.

That effort to try to work things out is vital because it's not possible to find someone who shares ALL the same values as us. Most values should be similar, but all?

I think if the boyfriend has a character problem, I would encourage her to leave him. However, I don't perceive his attitude as a character issue.

It is possible for couples to become more similar in values as they spend more time together.

 

[matka]

I am an advocate of marriage preparation courses (MPC), esp for those who are serious about their relationships and intending to take the marriage route. However, may I point out that MPC is not counselling. It prepares people for what they do not foresee in a marriage situation. It highlights possibilities of any potential conflicts that couples in love may not yet see. And during the course, hopefully the couple can deconflict and see if their values are aligned or mismatched.

I would say that is a course of enlightenment.

In Joy's case, she already knows what the problem is. MPC is not going to solve that problem for them. Perhaps a 1-to-1 counselling session may help a little. But personally, I do not think that her boyfriend is going to change his mindset just because of a counsellor. It'll take much more than that. More exposure, interacting with others, opening his mind and heart.

Values should be aligned from the beginning. If not, acceptance is key. It appears that their acceptance level is not mutual. Values do not grow on people. These are decisions on what priorities are important to a person.

Spending more time together does not guarantee an alignment in values. It's not a risk that anyone should take. Tread carefully.

 

[sgbabydoll]

"Perhaps you think differently, but rather than just walking away and possibly living with regrets, I would prefer to try to work out the problem first."

Life is too precious and short to keep asking self "What if".

 

[powder]

well ajumma,

that 'woman' card is precisely why women suffer more in general than men... it will never change if u go on thinking this way... for generations.

u worry abt regrets from walking away from 1 person... i tend to believe in a greater regret of NOT walking away from this person despite knowing full well that at certain age/stage - changing characters is more tedious than for us to seek someone who is a better match. father/mother maybe 1... but wife/husband - the whole world is there for u to pick...

and how do couples become couples? u ever thought abt that? just becos someone is now my gfren does not mean i Went Thru a great amount of analysis and choosing to make her my gfren... being my gfren IS the trial period. if u find huge differences in values/morals/goals during this period - do u keep extending the trial period and hope things fall into place? it's the same with Probation periods in jobs. end of the day u are just lazy to find a new person, or change the product u using. not becos u have sweet memories which is constantly there...

Which of us dun have sweet memories when in a relationship??? it's a Given that it's gonna be sweet in the initial period until reality stares u in your face and tell u, "let's face it". i had sweet initial memories with EACH and EVERY gfren. and i'm sure for most too. and why do we break up? becos we're sick of sweet memories or becos we realise that's not gonna happen for the remainder of our lives... that's where u end up with womenfolk rewinding and rewinding to the initial sweet memories all the fcuking time... that's where u have stupid forummer-women who only know how to tell u to rewind back to the memories of how u got together...

which one of u got into a relationship based on violence, bitterness and lotsa pain? NONE i believe... it all began sweet in one way or another.

as for the maths analogy... u can try all u want to improve and make a living out of it. i decided to adopt a career that requires less on maths than to force myself to excel in it, knowing full well it's gonna be harder than most... and i'm not even assured of making a strong career out of it! i simply chose to excel in things i am naturally good at... this IS the same reason why some pple are using their degrees and making pittance.

it is inherent in most pple to stick to the familiar... to stick to their comfort level... not to change things. u Must remember tat this is natural in most pple... that's why pple always choose to stay First by default, instead of walk out.

if u have ever walked out of a relationship... u will realise, at least for me, that it take Alot of courage. for pple who walk out of marriages - it takes even more out of the person... staying isn't exactly endearing... it's just widely marketed as an endearing quality.

if u had her bfren instead for your husband... what's your stance? stay? go figure how to reduce your current pay, and stay slower in pace than him for the rest of your marriage and life. think abt it in realistic terms... dun assume u're gonna be able to change the person... probably 1/10 guys have such requirements... why not give the other 9 a chance?

 

[mewmoon]

I agree with Powder. It's not so much a problem that both parties have to work out. It's a MISALIGNMENT OF EXPECTATIONS. He expects her to be as big a loser as he is. Where is the better future in that? And this kind of expectation will not just stop at the pay. Next time, he might expect her to dress more shabbily so she doesn't make him look bad. Or eat less atas-ly so she doesn't make him look poor. It's just going to be NEVERENDING.

 

[ajumma]

powder,

I am not saying joy should try to reduce her pay. :-(

At least try harder to communicate with her boyfriend to soften his MCP stance.

You may think otherwise, but there are couples who have gone through divorces for trivial reasons and later regretted their actions. Would this be one of them? I don't know the full story, but if it's just about the higher pay vs lower pay, then it's too trivial.

First, we don't even know how much higher her salary is. It could be by just a small amount. Second, her boyfriend may land a job in future with a higher salary. He may get promoted.

Third, if her boyfriend were a complete loser, someone like her would not be in love with him. He is probably rather capable himself, but perhaps not as go-getting as her.

This is very much about his male ego getting bruised. She just has to find a way to un-bruise it.