What should i do?

[fraiii]

Hi bros and sis,

NEed some advice over here.
2 weeks before my traditional, i found out that my wife (already ROM a year ago) is seeing someone.

I really felt betrayed and the wedding vows we said during ROM felt like nothing to her.

In the end, we went through the wedding ceremony as all the invitations have been sent out. and we didnt want our parents to be embarrassed.

On the wedding night, she left the hotel room and since then i have not seen or heard from her.

It seems that the other guy has replaced me in her heart and the 8 odd years of relationship means nothing to her.

I love her with all my heart yet she is doing this to me. feel really hurt and miserable. I really do have a dream of building a home with her where we would grow old together....

What should i do? I feel so lost...

 

[albertri]

you should have not marry her in the 1st place! Look at you now worst then not getting married at all.

You cant do anything now unless divorce her or she will divorce you.

 

[wat_are_dreamz]

Hi Lost, if wat u are saying is true, then its really v sad for u. No1 can help u to get over the shock n pain u feel. But do know tat despite all the pain, life still goes on n chances are tat she is not worth ur deep love for her. Give urself time to let go. Logically, u shd file for a divorce n give urself a 2nd chance at finding love n hopefully in time to come, u will find some1 whom u really can realize ur dream of marriage, true love n growing old with. Be strong.

 

[powder]

not a good idea to have gone thru with the wedding, but that's the local problem... FACE. in things like relationship, there's no guarantees, yet ever so often, pple live like there's guarantees.

would suggest u sit her down and speak to her abt letting go, annulling and starting over, if that's what she wants. ELSE u'll be supporting her AND her bfren thru alimony payments... now that's Worse...

 

[ajumma]

u found out only after the ROM, so it's not ur fault. u were already married before the customary.

since ur wife disappeared on ur wedding night, did u try to contact her at all? if u r unable to contact her, and she is missing for two yrs, u can file for divorce.

or if u manage to find her, suggest that both of u agree to part and keep things simple.

it may be unbelieveable what she did, but some pple are just heartless cowards. they would rather disappear than tell it to u directly. i am really sorry that this happened to u.

it's stupid to run away because she will have to look for u eventually if she plans to marry the other guy. cannot have double marriage.

 

[fraiii]

i did try to contact her through texting and calling but she keeps saying she wants to be alone and need to think about how she can be happy.

Her parents also cant say anything as she threaten to end her life.

I just want things to go back to how they were b4 and to woman i proposed and said yes to

 

[alienwoman]

Hi Lost,

I'm quite a failure too in realtionship so i can't advise much in this messy state you are in. but I think what powder suggest is correct. after customary marriage, if a couple did not consumate at all, both can try to willingly annul the marriage. but before u appeal for tt in family court,u need to pack your pain n stay strong.
i think if your gal fren still have a heart, she'll not take your finances away after u wasted money on the wedding.
she's definitely not mature to face the prob she created. if change of heart is obvious, she should be brave enough to tell parents as she is to side track u.
since the problem is like that, calm down n move on. i also wish u peace at heart and ability to be strong. solve the problem wif grace. if u cannot swallow the traditional quote of "if u love her, let her be as long as she's happy", take my quote" If u can't have her love, please love yourself more".
your parents must be feeling devasted. be very very strong.
keep posting n let all of us talk to u
take care
prays....

 

[albertri]

Hi Lost,

it very obvious even she comes back to you it wont be the same as before... you'll always have this nagging thought at the back of your mind if she is still seeing that guys or not...

If you rally love her set her free, its obvious she doesnt love you anymore.... Talk to her tell her you'll set her free. Your relationship is almost near impossible to be repair unless your wife had a change of heart.

I'm so sorry bro if what i say is harsh...

 

[alienwoman]

I guess we kind of like know the logical answer. i hope you find some strength and comfort here to face your problem

 

[infojunkie]

"I just want things to go back to how they were b4 and to woman i proposed and said yes to"

continue to wallow in ur sadness and all u get is sympathy from strangers and Nothing more.

nothing's gonna Change. she's Gone. she's Not coming back. what's gone is Forever lost ok...

well, time to Man Up and move on.

 

[ajumma]

lost,

sounds like ur wife has pent up her own emotions and underwent stress so much so that she's become totally bochup about anyone and is even prepared to end her life.

from her replies, i don't think there's hope that she will come back to u. she must've been very unhappy to reach this stage.

it's tough for u, but i think u should move on with ur life. let her contact u when she is ready for divorce.

pls know that it's not ur fault. if she was unhappy, she should have made it known to u instead of pretend to be happy, which i think is what she did to make u ROM with her.

 

[fraiii]

@ajumma,

probably so. i m willing to put behind what she did. Was it real or was it a show.. that only she can answer

Our HDB flat is already ready for staying. Did so much renovation works and the furniture hasnt even been set on.

I need to know the root cause. Whose fault is it is no longer important..

I know im in abit of a denial here but probably need some time for this to settle in ba.

 

[sunnyflower8188]

I think u have to ask her if she still wants the relationship. Maybe she is thinking about it as well... Sometimes the more you try to pursue the relationship, the more she wants to run away. U shd start thinking about how to settle the flat, marriage, etc. If u have not consumated the marriage, u may wish to consider annulment. But d most important thing is to find out if she still wants the marriage. But obviously, she needs some time n maybe u too need some time to think about it.

 

[denise80]

Wish you all the best, lost. I agree with sunnyflower. I suggest you give her some time. At the same time, you'll be giving yourself time to think over this relationship. Usually both parties are to be responsible for a broken relationship. I said so because you seem to realise her change of heart rather late. This indicates problems in connecting with one another earlier. One day, when you two get back, remember to forgive and forget and also, learn from this experience.

Like what the other forumner said, you should rightfully file for a divorce. However, I can tell you still love her a lot and want to give both of you a chance. There is no right or wrong here. Just do what you feel like doing so that there's no regrets in life later on. All the best!

 

[fraiii]

agree on with denise on this...

Prob need some time to re-evaluate everything

 

[texasholdem]

On the wedding night, she left the hotel room and since then i have not seen or heard from her.
U SHOULDN"T go thru the customary!!! for wat reason? jsut becos of FACE?

 

[fraiii]

I really thought that with the affirmation of the wedding ceremony she would realize what it would be. Think I m so wrong.

Was really hopeful of the best but it turned out otherwise

 

[texasholdem]

same situation as u...well, there are other gals still in this world isnt it? so what of 8 yrs of relationship? look forward to the future man..at least now u know wat type of character she is now. if in the future even she realise her mistake and beg u to take her back, for god's sake. DONT ever DO IT

 

[fraiii]

I'm in a fix. There's only 3 path that I cAn see

1 annul
2 separate n then divorce
3 she begs me to take her back

 

[texasholdem]

i think you can choose path 2

 

[albertri]

Lost have you manage to talk to her about it? I think she should be ok by now to talk it with you.

If you love her that much ask her what she wants if she said she wants to be free let her go .

Wish you all the best bro and hope you'll be able to find way to fix this problem or solve it.

I know how it feels once in my married life me and my wife seperated for few months and I was miserable during the enitre time we are seperated... I still continue to work but I was empty and I even go to smoking and drinking after office just for me to be able to sleep at night.... So i know it's hard for you... but life must go on and if you do love her give her what she wants... it hurts like hell but that's a sacrifice you should do...

I hope and pray she'll have a change of heart. You seem to love her that much and willing to accept him if she does come back so i wish you all the best!

 

[fraiii]

@ Albert Nope. havent seen her or talked to her. Called her up she refuse to hear. Pls PM to tell me if all has been well with u and ur wife.

whether she comes bk or not i have made plans. "plan for the worse but hope for the best" but i dont know whats best.

 

[watching]

Of late, SgBrides is not an interesting read. So not happening ! Where are the lovely contributors like May Ong, Powder, Milo and Johnny ? Hybernating in "S'porean winter" ?

 

[albertri]

@ Lost

Yes we patch things up and we become more stronger than before . Although our situation is slightly different from you but the pain should be the same.

I wish you all the best, and hope you'll be able to solve your current problem.

 

[powder]

well watching,

May Ong was never a stayer to begin with... just like the rest of her life, she is only into it for awhile... she's off in another world seeking the attention she craves...

i can't speak for Milo, but i believe he's busy with a few new chapters in his life... besides, he gets quite abit of flak for trying, i think he might as well be focusing on his new beginnings...

as for myself, i guess with the newfound principals like May and even yourself, it's time to like go... Life is such, idiots hanker after new toys and push everyone down to get to it... but when they finally get the toy, they lose interest after a few days...

i think u can silently realise that being actively involved in a forum specific like Matters of the Heart involves alot more Heart than u'd ever imagine.

if u dun learn to respect folks like me and join the little midget and those 5mins hot-talkers... then u can jolly well take over the reign.

i'm not stupid to set myself up for pple to poke fun at me... sometimes it's just an absolute waste of time engaging pple who have little in life, but act like they have alot to offer... at the other side of the pc, some pple lead very sad lives... the forum is where they be kings or queens in their own world...

so u can have the conch... and have fun.

 

[powder]

well lost,

can tell that u're not lost... infact u're in a totally different world where u think u still have a wife...

i see an idiot holding on to a useless piece of paper and eventually claiming to have a wife using the paper as a proof. good luck to u.

does it matter what path u can see when u dun have a fcuking choice as to which path u can actually take? Path 3 is your fantasy isn't it?

dude while u are here wondering on your choices (when u actually have no fcuking choice)... she could be in bed getting the orgasm of her life with a man whom she truly digs...

wake up from your slumber and move on. come another few years and u'll realise how strong your value is as a guy... why tie yourself down to a marriage which is your own fantasy?

hold on to that piece of paper and u'll lose your fcuking life...

 

[ajumma]

i know it must be hard to give up on a marriage just like that... but still, u really need to ask urself if ur wife has been loving u all this while? would someone who loves u run away on ur wedding night? and not answer ur calls after such a long time?

like denise said, do what u think is right and make sure u have no regrets, but do take care of urself too.

 

[watching]

Powder,

So what's the protocol for me? Not rhetorical question ah.

I see you play around too.

 

[powder]

i'm in no position to give u a protocol... i'm just telling u something which u have yet to come to terms with... u're playful, but u dun choose who u play with carefully... thus by association, u lose credibility associating with pple at different points of your life.

u're likely to be a rather misunderstood person... meaning pple misunderstand u and u feel kinda lost at times... but there's only so much u're willing to do and thus u dun do it, and instead u rebel and stand further misunderstood...

not that i play around, but i'm getting older so my sentences are getting shorter...

 

[powder]

as for the dude...

christmas is round the corner, so is cny...

for christmas, i dun know abt u but i would like to spend with pple i love and who Loves me Back... having a wife to spend it with is Never the same as having someone who Also loves u - to spend it with. u decide which one u prefer... i mean if your wife isn't exactly showering u with lotsa warmth and love this christmas, perhaps the remaining 40-50 christmases are gonna be an absolute waste of the time?

every darn time we break up... be it u, me or our frens... we almost always feel 'this is it!'. but unless u're micheal dying so suddenly... this is Never It. Life is Life and there's always renewals... opportunities are everywhere for u to find something better than a hollow shitty feeling. the action u take will determine how successful u will be.

CNY is that awkward period where u go around either with a physical wife to spread a lie... or u go alone making up excuses that are lies... Now if u enjoy such CNY gatherings... then u have another 40-50 to go... so u either act like a couple, or u lie abt the whereabouts of your missing spouse.

 

[fraiii]

Does separation need any legal document from the lawyers?

 

[sgbabydoll]

Lost, no.

You can move out of the matrimonial home or simply stop sharing the same bedroom to kick-start separation.

 

[secondtime]

u can still share the bed but no sex.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Of course can but don't you need personal space?

 

[fraiii]

No deed of separation required?

 

[sgbabydoll]

No need to unless you have spare cash and/or wanna draw the lines clearly right from the beginning of separation.

 

[fraiii]

Then hw to subatatiat when the 3 yrs start?

 

[powder]

lost,

seriously, u need to Think, and perhaps have coffee with some smarter mature frens to get some advice... cos u dun seem to have the ability to think very well at the moment... benefit of a doubt given to u.

firstly, i would think an annulment makes more sense than a divorce.. if so, then why is divorce an action u seem to be picking as a first choice?

secondly, separation issues best dealt with by lawyers... there are many ways of doing it... u can backdate it etc, but the finer details are best combed thru by a lawyer..

lastly, i believe u are procrastinating the inevitable becos u're still in denial. even tho u're asking questions, u are not actually in the stage of taking action... this is totally understandable... i highly suggest u go out and meet some girls in the meantime... u will come to Realization a whole lot faster than just thinking within the four walls...

 

[sgbabydoll]

Lost, there's no need to worry about what will happen later like how to get started with divorce proceedings when the separation reaches "maturity". When you are mentally ready you will act on it. Now, even if anyone were to give you the clearest scenario, you won't be able to imagine it because you are still in denial. Take time to accept your situation and work on it when you feel ready.

 

[secondtime]

dun rush to get the paper sign. just try it at home see if u really want a divorce

 

[fraiii]

Try? Try what at home? Abit confused here

 

[secondtime]

sorry, i thought she has come back to you.
yeah give urself sometime then only make dicision.

 

[confusedchild]

hey lost i really feel sry for u..coz im am currently experiencing the same thing now. My hubby/soul mate of 12 yrs just left me for some thai girls..we all both lovey dovey, loving and so much in love until we shifted out due to moving in to new hse, and he started enjoying his freedom..
Now he wants me to set him free..his drastic changes is too much for me to bear..so cheer up, its not the end of the world, there r ppl out there with worst situation than u.

 

[cococherry]

I'm sure time will heal your wounds if you believe it will.

 

[pinktweet]

MARLBORD, your case is too drastic .. no tell-tail signs at all .. thot it only happens to couples whom have drifted apart .. lovey dovey still can like that .. life is really unpredictable ..

 

[fraiii]

UPdates..
Went to my wife house and had a talk with her. She still wants to be with that Guy. After digging further, managed to find out that he is a researcher with 1st Class honors... Does having 1st class honors warrant u to come in between me and my wife?

wife reason for cheating was that i had not paid enough attention to her and i had been away for 1 yr from Singapore to further my studies.(She flew over and spent christmas with me last yr and also i flew back every 3 mths). Appearntly being away warrnant someone to cheat???

 

[fraiii]

After making my mind, think that i have reach a point of no return. Can only look forward now and pray that my future will not be that bleak.

 

[sgbabydoll]

"Does having 1st class honors warrant u to come in between me and my wife?"
"Appearntly being away warrnant someone to cheat???"

No, not all first-class honours people become third parties and not all people who have spouse or partner away from them will cheat.

Can tell you are still very angry. Give yourself more time to accept this sudden change.

 

[sgbabydoll]

I have a friend (local) who had cancelled the wedding one week before the event. They had saved so much trouble by facing the music "early" instead of going through the wedding stuff due to face issue or false hopes, and then do annulment or divorce later.

I got separated from my husband during the year-end festive period some years back. It wasn't easy because you would get asked why you attended gatherings alone. Instead of cooking up excuses, I decided to tell one and all that I was going through divorce.

Very difficult at first when going for family dinner whereby everyone came with spouse except me. But once the emotional period was over, it became pretty alright. Now, I enjoy my single life very much.

 

[powder]

lost,

the sooner u realise that u're NOW the 3rd party, the better it would be for u to start to re-focus your priorities and goals in life.

he may have 3rd class honours, but that Certainly isn't the reason why your wife is not in love with him... like it or not, he was that during your absence, and she allowed him to be there... pple meet thru all ways, this is one of them.

there is no one to blame here, it's just the way things are, and how life goes... life remains full of surprises, tho some may not be nice ones...

ps: as a guy, i would explore myself rather than the man who has taken a greater role in my wife/gfren's life now...

Merry Christmas!