What should I do?

morningstar23

New Member
I had 2 kids from my previous marriage. Had came to know my partner for nearly 2 years. Along the relationship we came to understand each other better and that make us closer each day. Although we loved each other alot but still he cant be able to accept my kids as his own and start a new family with me. He loved the kids but not to the extend to accept them as his own. He told me that he want to grow old with me...but why?? He told me to give him more time to commit to me. I know that is not a easy decision. Guys is this so hard??
 


morningstar23

New Member
Thanks for your advices.

At first I would love very much to give him a child of his own but realised that is impossible now. I also started to convince myself to just stay in love but still hoping we can build a family together. I just feel that a relationship without a marriage is like not completed.
 

simpleman

Active Member
morningstar,

It is not impossible. Just be patient. It is only 2 years, give him a little more time.

In the mean-time just enjoy your time with him...
 

thommy

New Member
Give him time to accept your kids but keep your options open at the same time too.

Who knows, someone may come along later and be willing to accept your kids as his own?
 

wat_are_dreamz

New Member
Hi MorningStar, its gd tat u have found some1 to love in ur life. Be honest w urself, wat is more impt to u? Ur kids or ur potential hubby?

If ur bf is willing to marry u w/out the kids, wld u accept it n dump ur kids onto ur ex-hubby or ur parents? If ur bf treats ur kids well but is not willing to enter marriage, wld u accept it n stay in a r/ship w him?

Give ur bf more time to c if he can build a stronger bond w ur kids n love them as his own. If he can do tat, u can rest assured tat ur kids will be taken care of even if smthg bad happens to u one day. If he cant, then u can still be w him as gf-bf n make sure u have ur relatives as a strong support group for ur kids, in case anything happens.

U are a parent. Dun think so easily of having a child w ur bf. U have to consider ur kids' feelings n their security level. Wld ur bf favouritize his blood chldn over his step chldn whom u had w another men? I'm not trying to be mean. I'm just putting it in plain terms. I have seen men who say they can accept the child cos of the woman. In the beginning, they treat the child ok but after having their own child, the step child becomes an irritance or slave.
 

morningstar23

New Member
Evon,
Giving up the kids will not be a option for me. My bf knew that and wouldnt want that to happen too. I am confident that he will not favouritize his own blood and I am also wanting to be fair to him to give him a child of his own who can look after him if I am the one who leave this world first. Although both of us did not want to set too much expectation on kids but leaving nothing behind for him when I leave kind of sad to think of...
 

shannat

New Member
morningstar, just give some time ba.
for me, im lucky, cos my bf accepted and treated my girl like his own since day1.
my sis, her htb is a divorcee with one kid. but she cant accept her fully yet cos the kid abit, problematic (her mother poisoning her mind to go against my sis tts why v difficult) but she is also trying. me n my family r also persuading her to slowly accept the girl as her own.
it is hard, but i guess u can jst give him more time.
 

morningstar23

New Member
thanks Shanna, I can only try to stay hopeful. Continue to encourage your sis, the child will have eyes to see the effort your sis had put in
 

shannat

New Member
morningstar, given my sis character, abit hard also. n tt little girl... even a patitent mum like me also nearly blew my top at her. =X
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
"me n my family r also persuading her to slowly accept the girl as her own."

Your sister need not force herself to accept the little girl as her own daughter cos it's not like she doesn't have a mother. Just treat her as a friend.
 

morningstar23

New Member
Shanna,
that must be hard on your sister, relationship really need time to develop. I din want to expect my bf to accept the kids fully as his own. As long as he can accept us as a family and be the kids uncle that is enough. Sad to say kids are closer to him than their dad.
 

kittenpie

New Member
Morningstar,

there is no problem with anything or anybody but your own expectations. your expectations are idealistic to the extent of naivete.

my brother perceives his gf's son as a nuisance.

so why should your bf love your children as his own?

you should be appreciative that he would even go out with you despite you being saddled children.

in this case, civilised behaviour that crosses the threshold of decency is sufficient.
 

shirleypoise

New Member
"I am also wanting to be fair to him to give him a child of his own who can look after him if I am the one who leave this world first. Although both of us did not want to set too much expectation on kids but leaving nothing behind for him when I leave kind of sad to think of..."

Aiyo, why you go and think of such things de... Contradictory some more since you want him to regard your kids as his own... So after regarding him as their dad they would bo chap him after you leave the world???

Just continue to date him and see how thing goes la... You are the one with the "baggage", if he is not able to accept the "baggage" then what are you going to do? Hope you've realised that there're a lot of things he has to consider to enter into a marriage with you so give him the time he needs.
 

bedokboy

New Member
hmm...

irrelevant point: I find Asian men more reluctant of such an arrangement than Westerners. Apparently the Westerners can still mingle with past and current families together having barbeques and stuff! I dunno how we can do this.

more relevant point: it's quite the same as whether or not you have kids. I mean similar to a situation where the girl in the dating couple wants to get married becaues things are going fine. If things are going fine, why not let them stay where they are and perhaps marriage will naturally take its course. So in your case, if things seem ok the way they are then no harm letting it be, instead of thinking too much and letting that pressurise the relationship. A little bit more time without pressure may help. Perhaps you can organise more activities centered around interaction between your bf and your kids. But human beings are ironic creatures. Never ever mention 'acceptance of your kids' as a conversation topic. That would negate all the good work you will be doing.

...
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
If your bf can accept your two kids as his own, good. If cannot, it's not like something you can ask him to do. This has to come from him.
 

tomasulu

Member
i don't know your expectation of your bf. what's the diff between 'love' and 'accept'? it is almost unnatural to expect your bf to love your kids as his own. i can't really explain why i love my kids the way i won't be able to with other children. suffice to say that blood ties are very strong bonds.

don't forget, your kids already have a father - your ex husband. becoming your partner/husband need not be synonymous with becoming your children's dad.
 

morningstar23

New Member
as I wrote if he can accept us as a family that is enough if set any expectation that he got to treat the kids as his own, even for the kid too. They only need to accept him as their mommy partner and he treat them as the kids are his partner children love them as a uncle will do. Are this expectations idealistic to the extent of naivete??
 

tomasulu

Member
didn't you say he loves your children? that he just can't accept them as his own? sounds to me he's already met your expectation. if the problem is he doesn't want to marry you because you have kids, then that is a different issue altogether.
 

morningstar23

New Member
he still cant accept us as a family. kids is the issue of stopping him into a marriage right now. He felt that problem lies on him that is why we are still working on it. Thanks for your input
 

clipperjunk

New Member
a bit of oxymoron it seems, you mentioned he loves the children yet cannot accept them...he doesn't need to be their father, just a good uncle since you claimed the children are closer to him than their father...

is he willing to provide for them and include them in your lives? if so, what's the crux of the issue then?
 

morningstar23

New Member
actually I dont need him to provide for them if he can support them emotionally that is enough, but he think otherwise he set expectations on himself that he got to do his part in this family which causes him to fear on this great committment. Telling me that he can only see life growing old with me without the kids in the near future. He want me to give him more time, which I am trying to stay hopeful
 

sundownprince

New Member
children's uni education is expensive. if he loves them of course he will want to provide for them he is taking many things into consideration i guess...
 

pussycat

New Member
Morningstar

So it's clear to us now that the real issue bothering you is how to get your bf to marry you? And not so much of whether he can accept your kids as his own.

Are you very sure that your kids are the reason for his decision? He may be using your kids as a convenient excuse to escape your question of marriage. He probably doesn't see you as a potential partner to settle down yet.
 

powder

Active Member
" He loved the kids but not to the extend to accept them as his own."

it's not like the kids suddenly appeared nor did u suddenly have an immaculate conception. they were there all along and accepting u means accepting the kids... whether he needs to be their father is a different matter. but the kids make for a convenient reason to bail out.

tho he loves u more, he has other options at the side which u do not know abt Yet.
 

babystorm

Member
Imo, he does not love you enough. But then, it's really not easy to accept someone with 'baggages'. If people have a choice, most would choose one without 'baggages'. So just take one step at a time.
 

kittenpie

New Member
Morning,

I hate to sound like a wicked witch but being a divorced mum with two kids, you are carrying burdens with you.

wicked right? how dare i call your kids burden. but if you want to be strictly objective, to a potential husband they are burdens, this is what they are.

if you want the objective fact, here it is, im giving it to you pure and untainted.

only when you truly acknowledge this fact in your heart and mind, could you stop agonizing over why he is held back from marrying you.

stop thinking only about your own desire (to marry him) and put yourself in his shoes. it is not easy in his position.

yes, love can lighten the burden, but there is only so much that love can alleviate. remember, he has options open to him too, why should he stick solely with you?
 
Morningstar

wow u seem to have high expectation and "demand" that he marry you together with your kids coming in. Or I think u r afraid of being lonely and wanted company while raising your kids up.

I have a frenz whom did that and now i heard the couple are not happy but to continue to "act" as loving. Poor galfriend. Have found a boyfriend who is so good to her and can accept her kids. he DONT MIND accepting her kids but the problem is she is still married to her 2nd husband. Her two kids' dad is her first ex husband.. so what do u think?
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
May, whether it is a burden or not is really subjective. There is nothing objective about that. Financially and commitment wise, yes. A major concern. But to a person that is willing to love the person for who she is, her children will never be a burden.
 

simpleman

Active Member
May,

Is the children a "burden". It is really subjective and not as objective as you have described.

It depends on what she wants and her mindset. If she acknowledges the fact (as you put it) that it is a burden - then it will remain one forever.

However, there is another angle to look at it. She just need to "open-her-mind"

What is so important about the man "accepting the children as his own"? To me, this is not critical. The man can be an "uncle", a friend.. Without the title and burden of the "new daddy" - he may be able to connect better with the children. Taking on the father's role may seem to be "ideal" but it is only so if both the children and the father see it that way. Otherwise a friend or uncle role may not be too bad.
 

morningstar23

New Member
"What is so important about the man "accepting the children as his own"? To me, this is not critical. The man can be an "uncle", a friend.. Without the title and burden of the "new daddy" - he may be able to connect better with the children. Taking on the father's role may seem to be "ideal" but it is only so if both the children and the father see it that way. Otherwise a friend or uncle role may not be too bad."

That is what I am hoping for. Although he keep assuring me that he only want us to stay in relationship and even if we ended he will not want another one. He felt that only me can accept him as who he is. At first I did not doubt his love for me until some of you say that he might have other reason. Anyway thanks for your advices.
 

shannat

New Member
i think what morningstar wants is perhaps a fatherly figure for her children. someone who can care for them n guide them thru their childhood yrs. just like what a father would do, not necessarily need him to be acknowledged as the daddy. JMHO.
 

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