What should I do?

[madelinechen]

Hi all,

I have recently caught my bf of 2 years lying to me.

He went on an overseas business trip for 4 days, he told me was a conference. This is not the first time he went on a business trip or overseas trip with his colleagues. But what makes this trip suspicious was that he did not message me in the day which he usually does when he was overseas. He only called me when he returned to the hotel at night. When I asked for photos, he said he did not take.

My sixth sense was very strong on that day we met after he returned from his trip, I have to check his phone. There was nothing related to this trip, not even a single conversation on where to meet and what to eat with his colleagues or even counterpart. I knew he has deleted all correspondence. I tried all ways to search for hints and lucky or not lucky, I found that he has emailed some pictures he took with this one girl from his personal email to his office email. All pictures were only him and the girl, they were standing very closely, face side-to-side and bodies were close together (her boobs touching his chest). They took many photos and all the same position and closeness. He has never taken such intimate and loving photos with me before.

Things he did to recover our relationship:
1. Came to my house multiple times to beg for my forgiveness
2. Promised to put a sum of money as deposit in our joint account and I can keep all the password and toggle (if he does wrong again, I can leave with that money)
3. Gave me all his passwords to all his accounts
4. He proved to me that it was really a business trip by emailing the counterpart to thank them for the hospitality

He said that they did not do anything, and the reason he took those photos was because he found her pretty and wanted to show off to his friends. He swore that he did not have sex with her blah blah blah… but this 1 I can’t prove, neither can he. After questioning him for a few days, he finally admitted that he initiated to exchange number with her but he deleted it before meeting me.

I am in a total dilemma because I don’t know whether to trust him again or not because this is the second time I caught him taking intimate photos with girls and deleting them away before meeting me.

I really wanted to forgive him and continue with the relationship but my head keeps telling me that this is not the right thing to do and that since there is no trust anymore I may get hurt again, but my heart tells me to give him a final chance.

I really need some help… please.

Tell me if you can accept your SO taking intimate and loving photos with an opposite sex.

Any advice is appreciated.

 

[clem]

Hi madelinechen,

Actually you already have the answer.
You said you want to forgive him and give him a final chance.

Since there's no proof, I believe you can only give him the benefit of doubt, and give yourselves more time before gong into marriage.

To some people it is perfectly fine to take initimate photo with opposite sex, and it's almost unlikely for a guy to reject especially if it's the girl who initiated to take such photo.

While being upset about the incident, you should also ask yourself if there's any problem in this relationship - eg do you feel his love and care?

The #1-4 things that he has done don't mean anything in proving his honesty. Likewise, even if he does nothing at all, doesn't mean he is guilty.

If you truly love him, then he deserves one last chance, but also be prepared for the worst - that's my opinion. :）

 

[SnowieLee]

Hi there..

My previous bf of 4.5 years did some similar thing before. Swear a long list of things that he will never do yet in the end after a few times I decided to leave. He also decides to end the relationship.

Then 9 months down the road, he is married to the last girl I found out.

To forgive or not, it depends on you, if u see him as a husband in 10 years 20 30 years time, and responsible enough to be your child's father.

 

[alpaca]

Hey, do you seriously believe his words? That he did nothing other than taking her contact and taking loving intimate photos? For me, it's hard to believe as I have seen and heard friends/acquaintances whose then bfs clearly cheated on them (This particular case I saw with my own eyes), but the then bf came up with all sorts of outrageous lies when my friend confronted him - "No, she's just my colleague. She forced the kiss on me. I didn't expect it, I couldn't stop her." But I saw how they both held each other in embrace and exchanging long kisses.

Who actually takes loving and intimate photos with someone they just exchanged numbers with? Could they been seeing each other for some time already? Highly likely? My friend's then bf also went "overseas work trip" several times. Even on his birthday. Isn't it suspicious?

My advice to you is - if you want to give him a chance (I understand it's difficult to leave one) you must be rational and wise enough to pick up inconsistencies in his words, actions & behaviors and walk out of the relationship should he fail to keep any of his promises instead of continuing... till the day he decides he doesn't want you anymore because he's gonna marry somebody else. That was just what happened to my friend.

You deserve a honest man who loves you enough not to hurt you.

All the best.

 

[ing1]

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Be rational and think through carefully. You deserve a honest man who truly loves you and not hurt you.

 

[madelinechen]

Hi there..

My previous bf of 4.5 years did some similar thing before. Swear a long list of things that he will never do yet in the end after a few times I decided to leave. He also decides to end the relationship.

Then 9 months down the road, he is married to the last girl I found out.

To forgive or not, it depends on you, if u see him as a husband in 10 years 20 30 years time, and responsible enough to be your child's father.

thank you for sharing. I should know a leopard can never change its spot.

 

[madelinechen]

Hey, do you seriously believe his words? That he did nothing other than taking her contact and taking loving intimate photos? For me, it's hard to believe as I have seen and heard friends/acquaintances whose then bfs clearly cheated on them (This particular case I saw with my own eyes), but the then bf came up with all sorts of outrageous lies when my friend confronted him - "No, she's just my colleague. She forced the kiss on me. I didn't expect it, I couldn't stop her." But I saw how they both held each other in embrace and exchanging long kisses.

Who actually takes loving and intimate photos with someone they just exchanged numbers with? Could they been seeing each other for some time already? Highly likely? My friend's then bf also went "overseas work trip" several times. Even on his birthday. Isn't it suspicious?

My advice to you is - if you want to give him a chance (I understand it's difficult to leave one) you must be rational and wise enough to pick up inconsistencies in his words, actions & behaviors and walk out of the relationship should he fail to keep any of his promises instead of continuing... till the day he decides he doesn't want you anymore because he's gonna marry somebody else. That was just what happened to my friend.

You deserve a honest man who loves you enough not to hurt you.

All the best.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Be rational and think through carefully. You deserve a honest man who truly loves you and not hurt you.

you all are right. nobody takes such loving and intimate photos... thank you for making me think clearly.

I ought to love myself more and stop making excuses for him.

 

[madelinechen]

Hi madelinechen,

Actually you already have the answer.
You said you want to forgive him and give him a final chance.

Since there's no proof, I believe you can only give him the benefit of doubt, and give yourselves more time before gong into marriage.

To some people it is perfectly fine to take initimate photo with opposite sex, and it's almost unlikely for a guy to reject especially if it's the girl who initiated to take such photo.

While being upset about the incident, you should also ask yourself if there's any problem in this relationship - eg do you feel his love and care?

The #1-4 things that he has done don't mean anything in proving his honesty. Likewise, even if he does nothing at all, doesn't mean he is guilty. I agreed with you.

If you truly love him, then he deserves one last chance, but also be prepared for the worst - that's my opinion. :）

thank you clem. frankly speaking, I don't feel that there is any problem with our relationship. I can feel his love and care until this trip...

I have been thinking about this for almost 2 weeks now. I should really do a closure already.

 

[Cath_rina]

Hi all,

I have recently caught my bf of 2 years lying to me.

He went on an overseas business trip for 4 days, he told me was a conference. This is not the first time he went on a business trip or overseas trip with his colleagues. But what makes this trip suspicious was that he did not message me in the day which he usually does when he was overseas. He only called me when he returned to the hotel at night. When I asked for photos, he said he did not take.

My sixth sense was very strong on that day we met after he returned from his trip, I have to check his phone. There was nothing related to this trip, not even a single conversation on where to meet and what to eat with his colleagues or even counterpart. I knew he has deleted all correspondence. I tried all ways to search for hints and lucky or not lucky, I found that he has emailed some pictures he took with this one girl from his personal email to his office email. All pictures were only him and the girl, they were standing very closely, face side-to-side and bodies were close together (her boobs touching his chest). They took many photos and all the same position and closeness. He has never taken such intimate and loving photos with me before.

Things he did to recover our relationship:
1. Came to my house multiple times to beg for my forgiveness
2. Promised to put a sum of money as deposit in our joint account and I can keep all the password and toggle (if he does wrong again, I can leave with that money)
3. Gave me all his passwords to all his accounts
4. He proved to me that it was really a business trip by emailing the counterpart to thank them for the hospitality

He said that they did not do anything, and the reason he took those photos was because he found her pretty and wanted to show off to his friends. He swore that he did not have sex with her blah blah blah… but this 1 I can’t prove, neither can he. After questioning him for a few days, he finally admitted that he initiated to exchange number with her but he deleted it before meeting me.

I am in a total dilemma because I don’t know whether to trust him again or not because this is the second time I caught him taking intimate photos with girls and deleting them away before meeting me.

I really wanted to forgive him and continue with the relationship but my head keeps telling me that this is not the right thing to do and that since there is no trust anymore I may get hurt again, but my heart tells me to give him a final chance.

I really need some help… please.

Tell me if you can accept your SO taking intimate and loving photos with an opposite sex.

Any advice is appreciated.

Why don't you get a real bf lah? Local men are useless. I found a French bf and Caucasians are better in every way.

 

[buddhabar]

Madeline
Can i ask you what do you think have happen during the trip? What's your threshold? What will make you turn back and what will make you walk away. Honestly for a photo of boobs touching chest, why would a man be so apologetic to offer 1. To 4.
Guilt is the only reason.

 

[madelinechen]

@buddhabar
Can i ask you what do you think have happen during the trip? I would think that he has bedded her. He insisted no, and told me that why would she fall for him. She's only in her 20s and he's in his 30s, she's pretty and surely a lot of suitors and etc. He said that I've think too highly of him.
What will make you turn back and what will make you walk away. I will walk away if I found out he is two-timing or fucking someone else.

 

[madelinechen]

Madeline
Can i ask you what do you think have happen during the trip? What's your threshold? What will make you turn back and what will make you walk away. Honestly for a photo of boobs touching chest, why would a man be so apologetic to offer 1. To 4.
Guilt is the only reason.

I agreed, but he argued that that is the only way to make me trust him again. Because I know how stingy he is... by putting money with me will make me rest assure. but I told him that it will only mean he will be more careful the next time.

what do you think I should do? I think I like him enough to forgive him but don't have that kinda courage to trust him/ take this gamble.

 

[miloice]

Hi, maybe to share a view as a guy. When I was younger and still dating my wife, one of my colleague in office hit on me. She had short hair, sporty and a great figure. The kind of gal, that guys will discreetly take a second look at the body.

I was friendly with her and helped her with her issues with the system as I was the overall owner of the solution. Then, she started to initiated dates, asking me for dinner and movies at weekends.

At that moment, I was already in a serious relationship with my gf. However, I was tempted. Till a point, I was thinking of a plan to date and bed her. Then, to 'break up' with some excuse. Basically, I was just hum sap and wanted to bed her.

Those thoughts lingered for sometime, and I couldn't decide, I then spoke with a close buddy that I knew had previous experiences of 2 timing. His straight advise woke me up. He asked me if I was serious about my gf and wanted to marry her. If so, don't even think about cheating on her. Women's instincts are strong and if we cheat, they will probably tell from our body language. He lost his previous serious relationship this way. That woke me up.

I decided to come clean and own up to my gf that I was tempted. After that, case closed. No more thoughts abt it. That colleague stopped after I hinted to her I was in a serious relationship.

So, temptations are very real. Men are hum sap, its in our DNA. We always think what she doesn't know doesn't harm her. We can separate sex from emotions. Guys that fell for it, are human but it doesn't excuse anything. He screw up his priorities and hurt the person he loves. Some people are more selfish and its not specific to gender. This is the reality. The choice is yours, you just need to be clear about who he is and not hope BLINDLY that he will transform. Moreover, this wasn't his first. To go on a trip with the girl, he really want to bed her. No bullshit about that. I am just so grateful to have the straight advise from my friend. He possibly have saved my relationship with my wife.

 

[ing1]

Trust and honesty is the foundation of all relationships.

You mentioned you LIKE him enough to forgive him. Do u LOVE him enough to trust him again? Do you wish to keep "spying" on him in future? Would you be tired of keeping tabs on him?

Walking away be may scary and difficult. Staying tgt may not be easy too with the mental torture. How long can you take the torture?

Whichever way you choose, pls choose rationally.

 

[newproject]

Madeline
Can i ask you what do you think have happen during the trip? What's your threshold? What will make you turn back and what will make you walk away. Honestly for a photo of boobs touching chest, why would a man be so apologetic to offer 1. To 4.
Guilt is the only reason.

Got to agree. Not to mention he deleted all his msg and text to cover his tracks but still got caught.

Clearly there's more to the story.

He can argue all he wants but your instincts and those of the people here are that it when way further.

He is "trickle truthing" you. You caught him in a lie so he told you the minimum (only photos) to reduce damage .


Even if he did not bed her isn't wasn't for the lack of trying or intention.

But I'm 99% sure in went further than intimate photos (particularly since you yourself don't even have them with him) , at the very least some fooling around , kisses, hugs etc.

Im not even sure #4 is fool proof evidence he really went on a business trip but I'm guessing it is but he went with a ulterior motive.

 

[newproject]

@buddhabar
Can i ask you what do you think have happen during the trip? I would think that he has bedded her. He insisted no, and told me that why would she fall for him. She's only in her 20s and he's in his 30s, she's pretty and surely a lot of suitors and etc. He said that I've think too highly of him.
What will make you turn back and what will make you walk away. I will walk away if I found out he is two-timing or fucking someone else.

Oh dear hes trying to brainwash you.

Saying the girl is in her 20s and many suitors means nothing . Lots of reasons why they might still do it e.g. the girl likes to fool around too, that girl like older "senior guys", Sparks fly because they work together so much etc

Also even if that was true (and the photos you found say it isn't) it still doesn't mean he didn't have a intention to try. After all why else did he cut off contact for a full day and also delete all his texts to throw you off?

Just for a few photos ?

I can't tell you what to do, but even if you take him back , you must remember he betrayed you and lied to you and when confronted with undeniable evidence he tried to cover .