What should I do now?

[Yunqi96]

Hi,I am new here....

I was originally born in Malaysia and came to SG to study at the age of 13.Was educated here and went into the teaching profession.....Got my SG citizenship and married along the way to a regular.

I resigned last year to take a year's break in 2022 from teaching due to the stress and was burnt out.

Before got married,I had a current 5 year old daughter with him at 23 but she was born in Malaysia and currently taken care by a family friend in my hometown.I could only see my daughter during school holidays.My hubby did not want his daughter here because he claimed that there is no one to take care of her as both of us are busy all the time and for him is that he said that he has to stay in camp for training and inconvenient to travel to and fro.It is best for him to stay in camp instead and return from Fridays to Sundays.

He was quite adamant about my daughter staying in Malaysia and not coming here when I tried to fight for her to come to SG.

So I was left at home even after work most of the time up to this day.

But things changed when I discovered that his previous girlfriend came back into our lives in the form of a disgruntled lady and this lady used to be one of my best friends but our friendship ended when she decided that I had seduced my hubby and stripped him away from her years ago.She even convinced my friends that I am a slut and my friends mostly believed her words and left me one by one.

For my hubby,he became quite bochup towards me since 2 years ago and will throw his temper or easily irritated even when I treated him lovingly.When he is angry,he will directly pack his stuff and leave the house and I presumed that he will go back to camp to avoid me.I will not get any calls or messages from him if that happens.He will also accuse me of being unfaithful to him behind his back or having a secret affair outside.Will even go as far as to say that our daughter is a result from me and another man.

He will also flare up when I picked up his phone while he was showering just to look at the pics in the gallery.He even shoved me once onto the bed with all his strength when he came out of the shower and saw me fiddling with his phone.

I discovered in the process that my former best friend had been texting lovey dovey messages to him for the last 2 years and they had been going out on days like Friday,Saturday or Sundays when my hubby claimed that he was on camp duty......

I was heartbroken and just thought of trying not to let this family crisis affect me as I do not want to let it affect it at work as I am giving freelance tuition right now and not to put him on alert.Also trying to put on my normal self as not to let my mood affect my girl whenever I travel back to Malaysia to visit her.

Recently,I discussed with him about having our girl coming to SG to start her primary school education in 2 years when he was home and when he was in a better mood.The discussion ended with him storming out of the house in anger after arguing over what to do with my girl.

I wanted to get our girl to start her primary school education while he just insisted on letting her do that in a Malaysian primary school and perhaps stay with us only in P5 or P6 while commuting by herself to and fro Singapore<>Malaysia each day since we live in the north.Secondary education can also continue in a Malaysian secondary school too while living with us.

Sounds ridiculous to me but it seemed logical to him though.

Will appreciate your kind advice or analysis.

 

[TazLyn]

I believe when you both are SG Citizenship when you are pregnant with your girl right? Can give birth in Malaysia? I thought should give birth in SG? So meaning your daughter is Malaysian? And why she was taking care by your family friend? And not your family? If your family in SG, then you rest assure for your daughter to be taken care by 'friend'? Tbh, even close relative, I may not be that assure to let them take care of my daughter... Don't say 'friend'....

Well, you all can engage a maid or nanny to help take care of your daughter if both are busy. No matter what, living apart not a good way.

As of how your friend see you, as long as clear conscience, nothing to be afraid of. One can't stop another from gossiping. So let them be. Just no need to bother them much, since you can always find new friends. For checking on your hubby's phone, I don't think is right though. Instead, you can ask him to show you his mobile phone. At least can know also if he's willing to share with you or what, and know if he's trying to hide anything from you.

Discovered? Did you have proof? If you suspect, maybe can engage a PI? Or get some proof showing he is being unfaithful.

As for child's education, this one I can't say whom is right or wrong. Doesn't mean studying in Malaysia is bad than studying in Singapore. However from a parent's perspective point of view, of course I will want my kids to be in same country as me if can. Especially when they are young. I'm not sure of why your hubby disapprove of having your child to come back to Singapore to study. You can tell him that since you are not working now and working as freelance, you can take care of your child instead.

 

[Yunqi96]

I believe when you both are SG Citizenship when you are pregnant with your girl right? Can give birth in Malaysia? I thought should give birth in SG? So meaning your daughter is Malaysian? And why she was taking care by your family friend? And not your family? If your family in SG, then you rest assure for your daughter to be taken care by 'friend'? Tbh, even close relative, I may not be that assure to let them take care of my daughter... Don't say 'friend'....

Well, you all can engage a maid or nanny to help take care of your daughter if both are busy. No matter what, living apart not a good way.

As of how your friend see you, as long as clear conscience, nothing to be afraid of. One can't stop another from gossiping. So let them be. Just no need to bother them much, since you can always find new friends. For checking on your hubby's phone, I don't think is right though. Instead, you can ask him to show you his mobile phone. At least can know also if he's willing to share with you or what, and know if he's trying to hide anything from you.

Discovered? Did you have proof? If you suspect, maybe can engage a PI? Or get some proof showing he is being unfaithful.

As for child's education, this one I can't say whom is right or wrong. Doesn't mean studying in Malaysia is bad than studying in Singapore. However from a parent's perspective point of view, of course I will want my kids to be in same country as me if can. Especially when they are young. I'm not sure of why your hubby disapprove of having your child to come back to Singapore to study. You can tell him that since you are not working now and working as freelance, you can take care of your child instead.

H Tazlyn...

I took up SG citizenship back in 2018.I gave birth to my girl while visiting my mum who was criticially sick back in Malaysia at that time and she had been taking care of her until she passed away of Covid back in 2020.My family friend offered to take care of my girl in return for a small fee until now while I am teaching in SG and my hubby was adamant about not having our girl in SG and was quite evasive when I pressed for the reasons but he just said our girl needed someone to take care of her and both of us are just so busy.

My girl should be considered Malaysian yes.

I had not got a PI to follow him but he got one to follow me instead when I was teaching in a primary school.

There are a few occasions like when I was walking out to lunch with a male colleague and the PI took pictures of us together eating and me getting into his car.

There was once I suay suay I tripped and fell into the arms of my colleague who held me just in time.Got snapped for that.

There was another occasion that my colleague's house doing reno and he stayed in a hotel for a few days.I had to discuss some work stuff after school with him and went to his room.I got snapped a pic for that too.

He is a regular and will spend Mondays to Saturdays in the camp citing reasons like having duty or training.But when I called his camp to talk to him,I was always told that he is either not around or busy.When I looked at his phone while he was showering or zzzing at home,his previous girlfriend always texted him on stuff like where he was,meet where or eat whatever later,mushy stuff and their own programmes.

On my daughter's primary school education,he said it is better for her to study in a Malaysian primary school until she is like in eg P5-P6 where she can travel independently on her own between the 2 countries in the mornings before school or after school in the afternoons.Secondary school also dont need to study here but can continue in Malaysia instead.....Maybe she can stay with us by then.

I was angry when he said that and protested that is not a good idea but he flew into a rage and stormed out of the house.His attitude to me had changed for the worse since that woman came in.

He refused to listen to whatever I said when I suggested bringing my girl out to SG because I resigned from my teaching job and giving freelance tuition now.Just told me to let her remain in Malaysia and closed the discussion on this topic.

 

[porcelainblues]

your life sounds pretty horrible to me. It doesn't sound to me like your husband loves your daughter at all it seems, he doesn't want to see her or spend any time with her. it is highly unusual and irregular because how can a parent be so indifferent to their own kid? It is very strange to me because nowadays all parents love their children to bits. Why would your husband want her to be in Malaysia and does not seem keen to be in her life at all until she is like 11 or 12 years old?

your suay suay trip and fell just right into colleague's arms also sounds weird to me because that has never happened to me in real life before, I only ever see it in scripted tv shows or movies, I didn't know that can happen in real life, seems quite irregular, and your going to a hotel to discuss work? surely you know how it would look, it doesn't sound like a good idea to be alone in a hotel room with any male person under ANY circumstances. You should know how to protect yourself and maintain a spotless reputation, why do you want to get yourself in this sort of situation? even going to his house also seems weird. who ever visits any colleagues of the opposite sex in their home one? I find your accounts read a bit strange.

hiring a PI for surveillance is also very very expensive. why would your husband do that for no good reason?

 

[Silentknight06]

I agree with porcelainblues. There are many sketchy parts on both sides. Other than the possibility of husband cheating on you, perhaps he may also have some kind of mental illness? There are some signs that looked like symptoms but you would need to monitor closely. While fighting for your daughter, you need to take care as well and not fall into depression.