What should I do now?

lonelygal

New Member
Hi, I would like to seek some advise out there. My husband and his mother have a HDB flat. His father is a retiree. Being the only son, he is not willingly to move out. My working place is in the north east and hence the journey time to send me to work is at least half an hour from his place. Normally, after work, I would go to my mother's place till he comes and fetches me back after his work. If we quarrel/or he throws his tantrums, he would not fetch me back but leave me staying at my mom's place. Sometimes for days/weeks/longest being a month.

Of coz, you all can ask me to go back on my own but to face all the uncertainties, such as facing his "lian se", his verbal abuse, me crying and going into depression again, and with an additional point that his and his mom's place is like a rubbish dump, I rather not.

Right now, my parents are moving out and they didn't cater a room for me, I need to get a place of my own. I have no idea on how to get started. Anybody can advise?
 


babyabc

New Member
Being the only son is not easy as he have to do his duties to look after his parents. If you have only 1 son, you expect your son to do the same too.

Start to learn to be independent by going to work yourself instead getting your hubby to drive. Even my hubby drives, I never ask him to fetch me here and there.

Mom's place like rubbish dump.......starts to do spring cleaning then.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
I don't think the main issue is about transport arrangement. The marriage doesn't seem healthy in the 1st place with cold wars lasting up to a month.

You guys are as good as living apart.
 

lonelygal

New Member
cuclainne (cuclainne) : 'coz he keep saying I'm the problem/I'm the one at fault/

babyabc (babyabc) : I don't expect him to move out since he has already "brainwashed" me that he will NEVER EVER BUY A HOUSE WITH ME, esp with me this kind of character.....

I don't think it's a matter of dependence on him. My work starts at 7am. His house is at the extreme WEST. By car already takes half an hour or more, let alone, by public transport. I think the problem to THIS TRANSPORT problem is simply for me to buy a car. That solves it right?

"Mom's place like rubbish dump.......starts to do spring cleaning then." I DID as I'm the kind who loves cleaniness and neatness. I was scolded and she mess up the place again. SO?

I have always wanted my own home. Back to the qn, how do I get started?
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
What do you mean by how to get started? Since your husband already owns a flat with his family member, you can't get an HDB flat on your own. But there is no stopping you from buying a private apartment or renting a room, a flat or a private apartment.
 
"I have always wanted my own home. Back to the qn, how do I get started?"
- You may consider buying a private property or renting a unit. But firstly, are you sure that your hubby is willing to move in together with you?

Secondly, does moving out of his parent's house change the current situation? If both of you simply cannot communicate properly with each other, stay at whichever place will not make a difference to your relationship; there'll still be a lot of resentments and quarrels.

Your hubby wants to stay with his parents after marriage. You don't want to stay with his parents after marriage. Shouldn't this issue be ironed out before even starting on the marriage plan?
 

lonelygal

New Member
Green (green_tranquility) : "But firstly, are you sure that your hubby is willing to move in together with you? " I never expect him to move in. I intend to live alone. Just that instead of my mom's place, it's another place. I don't intend to rent a place. I intend to buy.

Secondly: By having a house of my own doesn't make a difference to my current situation. Resentments and quarrels are going to continue. It is only to ensure that I have a roof when I have no place to stay.

"Shouldn't this issue be ironed out before even starting on the marriage plan?" He said temporarily live with his parents and will buy our own house after that. Now, his stand is "NEVER". He PROMISED to fetch me after his work during weekdays. Now is "no quarrels--ok", "Quarrels---no communication" What do you expect me to do? I'm at a loss......
 

its_fate

Active Member
Buy and Live alone?? So you intend to divorce or intend to buy a private apartment?? Buying a HDB is out of Q, unless U are above 35yrs old and "single".. or form family nucleus...

What is half hour car ride?? My travelling time (if not driving) to work is close to 1hr30min (incl waiting time for transports).. so does that mean my hubby got to send me to and fro to work. And if he don't, I got to quarrel?

Since U mentioned previously, juz buy yourself a car lor.. Think a car is cheaper than a house.. =)
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
Broken, if you intend to live separately from your husband, does it mean you have already given up on hopes for the marriage and husband?

Iris, their problem isn't on transport arrangement per se but as a result of quarrels, Broken's husband would refuse to give her a ride to the office due to the cold war. And since she can't stand the cold war and probably doesn't like living with her in-laws, she would rather stay at parents' home. Unfortunately, parents will be moving to new home and no spare room for her there, she got to buy a private apartment for herself.
 

shirleypoise

New Member
Either TS doesn't intend to do anything about the failing marriage.. Or she's planning to move out to start her physical separation.

Could you afford to buy private houses? If not, you only have the option to rent or ask your parents to take you in and offer to sleep in the living room since they didn't cater for you.
 

lonelygal

New Member
Thanx to doLL (sgbabydoll) for clarifying for me. That's what I mean. Maybe I have difficulty in expressing my situation ba.

iris (its_fate) : During the so called half an hour ride, I have to bear his verbal abuse and nagging and demeaning/quarrels. I'm NOT the one who's quarreling that he should fetch me and things like that. He's the one who's condemning me that I don't fulfil the duties of wife blar blar blar and I'm supposed to bear his temper/tantrum, esp during the car journey.

doLL (sgbabydoll) : I am very tired of putting up his tantrum/temper. I am still hoping... If he fetches me, I have to go back. If he doesn't, at least I have a place to stay.
 

powder

Active Member
funny, this requires adjustments to a few aspects, yet instead of adjusting, u guys decide quarrelling is more fun...

1. workplace can change
2. work hours can change
3. dun be dependent on him for transport, when u were single he wasn't your driver.
4. routine of going your mum's place can change

it's kinda weird tat u think of getting a room/place outside for the same reasons... i wonder if u've ever solved problems in your lifetime other than escaping them...

i'm sure all the above does not take priority over your marriage if it does mean that much to u. but since they seem to mean alot, then your marriage is a fake...
 

its_fate

Active Member
Doll - U dun have to sleep one huh?

Ok, back to topic. Firstly, TS din't mention what kind of house she is looking at. So I dun presume it's a private apartment.. Me not looking down at her ability.. That's why I target on HDB criteria...

As for the car ride, I read it as she MUST have the hubby to fetch her home. So when they argue/quarrel, she doesn't have this chauffer anymore. So, juz buy a car lor.. What so difficult if she already can think of buying a HOUSE on her own....

I do agree to some of Powder's points. The issues with flat, location of workplace are not things that just happen in a blink of eye. If she THINK that these a hinder to the marriage, shouldn't all these be ironed out right from the start?

We are all given Choices.. Juz that we may have picked the wrong one initially...
 

lovingyou

New Member
Broken Hearted: May I know how old are you currently? Check the HDB rules and see if you does qualify for any flat application. Next, if you are seriously giving up on the marriage, seek a legal counsel and professional advice on how to go about it...
 

lonelygal

New Member
littlewoman (lovingyou) : I've already checked. I CAN NEVER Own a HDB in my life. I have to buy a pte house/CONDO. I'm not giving up on my marriage yet. I just need another place to stay when he throws his tantrums.

powder (powder) : He's the typical kind of MCP who's probably expecting what you have mentioned. Is it a stereotype that women once married MUST SACRIFICE TO PROVE THEIR LOVE? THEY MUST CHANGE EVERYTHING FOR THEIR HUSBAND? He's NOT understanding towards my job or me, he doesn't care if I'm late for work or if I'm busy or I'm tired. He told me NOT to tell him stuff happening at work and things like that. He doesn't care how I feel or what I think. If there's a problem that I'm facing and NOBODY stands by me or helps me, I have to solve it myself right? This is ESCAPING MEH?
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
Iris, I dozed off around 9.30pm and woke up in the middle of the night. That's the problem, I can't go to bed too early haha
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
Broken, everyone has problems on their hands. If you don't resolve your own problem, who will? Stop expecting to be spoonfed.

And what do you mean by you can never own an HDB flat? Are you a foreigner?
 

alcifertoh

New Member
Broken Hearted, till date you solve it by avoiding. This is what powder is pointing out to you. And your solution is still to avoid because your current sanctuary is taken away and your focus is about that, not the problem between you and your hubby. Back to square one.

You are facing this thing you call your marriage but avoiding the things that is giving you the unhappiness. Maybe you would like to share what concrete actions you had taken to make this union a happier one? And if this is not the kind of union that you are looking for, what can you do?

Please don't go by saying you can't do anything and all unhappiness is attributed by him or the in laws. Your life is in your hands.
 

vios

New Member
good thing is that u still know that u have to solve it ultimately... then why still wanna do things that can't be decided on ur own?

cos for him, there's no need for couple-bonding nor emotional support.. and u seem like the kind who doesn't speak up when necessary. so the marriage is a mis-match right from the start.

as it is, u made a poor choice... u are mentally exhausted... i don't see the meaning of this marriage on status-quo.
 

infojunkie

Active Member
icy, u say he's not understanding, doesn't care, not listening, not standing by u... basically very bo chap. and u not happy but still want to keep him rite? then u either adjust ur expectations or continue to get stuck here. i suggest u reinvent urself first...
 

lovingyou

New Member
Don't quite understand on this logic: you need a place when he throws tantrums, both of you can't sit down to resolve issues but you have to "move out" when he is having his usual tempers? Doubt this is an action of love?
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Me neither... think powder is spot on when he suggested this "i wonder if u've ever solved problems in your lifetime other than escaping them".

Kind of overkill to get a place just to stay away from a totally messed up marriage. The root issue still exist. She is just spending money to solve the 'side effects' of the crucial fundamental problem.
 

ariebeth

New Member
BrokenHearted: Buying a house just so you have a place to live when he is being an ass.... WOW!

There is no advise that anybody on this forum can give you that you will be happy to hear. I think it's obvious to all except you, that you are in denial.

I don't know if you think you have a normal marraige, but you don't. How are you and your husband different from a couple who've separated?

The best thing for you and your husband is a divorce, because in the first place getting married was the worst decision you've ever made; the 2 of you don't have the maturity to handle a marraige.

However, something tells me you are one of those people who are so mindful of how others perceive you, that you would rather be miserable and still married thus retaining your face, rather than have other people find out that you got a divorce.
 

powder

Active Member
Broken Hearted,

1. how come u "CAN NEVER Own a HDB" in your life?

2. how come u "need another place to stay when he throws his tantrums"?

3. how come u Stay when u feel that way abt your husband?

4. basically u just bitched, say nobody stands by u and all that... but u must also understand that u Dun Want help.

5. your idea of a solution is a Car, a House and basically having a life of a single woman... perhaps returning to him for sex or whatever u return to him for... i have no idea.

yes it's escaping... u feel happy?
u feel u're actually gonna have happiness in your marriage?
u feel things are actually gonna improve by having your car and house?

u BITCH abt things... what next? u will just return back to your life n feel shitty... nothing will change, honestly...
 

lonelygal

New Member
I post in this forum is to seek advice, not to "bitch things". I do not know whether is it the language I use or is it I dunno how to express my situation that ended you all saying I'm escaping.

Yes, our marriage got problem and I have tried to solve it. I have gone to the counsellor, he finds it's of no use after one session. He said I'm the cause of his frustration, I'm the one at fault, I'm the problem so no use seeing a counsellor. And I have already suffered depression 'coz of his constant verbal abuse.

He is always throwing his tantrums and scolding me vulgarities, demeaning me and saying crude and blunt remarks. Sometimes, I didn't even open my mouth to say anything and he's grumbling abt me. Most of the time, I'm like : "huh? what did I say or do wrong?"

1) I can never own a HDB ON MY OWN is coz I have called the HDB several times and the officer told me I have to form a family nucleus with a spouse or parents! I cannot have a HDB with either!

2) Are u suggesting I go back to his place and face his verbal abuse and I'm there sitting and crying alone?

3) I stayed 'coz I still have feelings for him.

4) Why wouldn't I want help? But got or not?

5) I Want a house/a car is no choice. A house is so that I have a place to stay or A car is to fulfil his MCP expectations. I return to him ONLY when he wants to! Not the other way round!

I don't feel happy either way. Is there a third way?
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Look, u keep saying how broken this marriage is. But then for unknown reasons that you don't clarify, you want to hold on to this pointless marriage. Think everyone is suggesting clearly for you to face your issue. It doesn't mean you need to submit to your husband which you deem totally unreasonable.

The issue is flat on your face. Is there some reason why you want to hold on to this marriage? We don't know you, and everyone can only understand your situation from what you wrote here. Your decision to buy a separate house doesn't require the marriage at all. He isn't going to be the joint owner of it.

Maybe you should reread what you wrote. It isn't logical. If there are so many things you cannot or don't want clarify, its hard for anyone to advise.

"I don't feel happy either way. Is there a third way?"
Yes, leave this marriage and move on or opt for separation. Find your happiness be it single or remarry or cohibit. Rent alone or find group of friends as room-mates. I don't know what's trapping you to only the options that you are feeling so 'no choice' about. You are squeezing yourself into a corner with restrictions you set. Again, I have totally no idea what these restrictions are without any information coming from you except how unhappy u r and how unreasonable your husband is!

It is a strange logic that one will die die hold on to a relationship simply because of feelings we have. What if we have feelings for more than one person? This happens to most people actually. We will have feelings for several people in our lives. We do not need to be married and together with each and everyone of them. If it is clearly not working, then its time to take a step back. Holding on does nothing. You are so unhappy. Buying another place and keeping the marriage this way isn't going to make you any happier. Frankly, I think your parents wanted to force you to move on. But still, you are clinging on. This is your main issue that you must face. What are the options:-
1) make the marriage work
2) accept it as it is
3) move on.

"1) I can never own a HDB ON MY OWN is coz I have called the HDB several times and the officer told me I have to form a family nucleus with a spouse or parents! I cannot have a HDB with either!"

How old are you? this is a key information. Singaporeans / PR above 35 are able to purchase a HDB alone. I dunno which officer it is to tell this partial information. It is not true that you will never be able to buy a HDB flat.
 

infojunkie

Active Member
icy,

why make life so difficult for urself? stop using love as an excuse to stay. only u urself can get urself out of this cesspool, and i dun mean moving out of his territory. u must kick him out of ur life... else u can only blame urself for all these miseries
 

powder

Active Member
Broken Hearted,

1) then dun say "can never". when u're divorced n 35, u can own a HDB on your own. your phrasing is a Lament, not solution-seeking.

2) Nope not suggesting that. the solution is to Stop his nonsense or Leave - permanently.

3) HUH??? so if u got feelings strong enough to stay in marriage, but not stay physically around him... then i figure the reason u dun wanna leave - is something u Have not honestly mentioned yet.

4) u want help, but not as much as u want the impossible... for him to become a husband u would have like to marry, when he isn't. Dun talk abt help when all u do is to Counter/Argue with everything suggested. if u're so smart u would have left the marriage.

5) ya ya, No Choice... this one really classic. u might as well just divorce him and stay bfren/gfren.... Definitely happier rite? solves all the problems n expectations rite?

"I return to him ONLY when he wants to! Not the other way round!"
- Ego? Pride? u win?
 

shirleypoise

New Member

lonelygal

New Member
breaKingfRee (shirleypoise) : I know nuts abt financial matters. I got the info from the HDB hub. So if one's age is below 35 years old and single? Sleep on the road?

"I return to him ONLY when he wants to! Not the other way round!"
- Ego? Pride? u win?
If a person views you as someone dislikeable or your presence simply irks him, would you still stnad there and let him curse and swear? I'm saying that when he doesn't find me that irritable, then return to him. Is it my language again or misinterpretation?
 

alcifertoh

New Member
She juz can't let go. I believe many others would have run till dunno where liao if faced under such scenarios. Alternatives were provided for her and advices provided but she just seem to practise selective reading. I dunno why she keep saying has to sleep on the road.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Cannot let go is one thing. The refusal to read is really frustrating. The options are laid so clearly. And she is still thinking of sleeping on the road. She has the budget to buy but not rent? Maybe, she is needing the CPF loan and not coming out cash? Again, no clarifications, just more angry reactions to advises. This is getting sickening. Don't abuse those that are trying to offer you help and advises.
 

alcifertoh

New Member
The last thing I hope to see is "you are not me and you don't understand". If that comes out we can close the issue liao.

There are many options for TS to choose. It's just if she's willing to carry them out or just waiting to be bailed. No one can help less she help herself first. If she's genuinely abused and so financially strapped that she could not even afford to rent, there are also welfare homes that she can go to that provides her with a shelter first. Not that bad have to sleep on streets.

Her case is more on the conflict on choices and preferences. Till now I still do not know what she meant by no choice. Is either she want to make those choices or not.
 

vios

New Member
Broken Hearted,

due to your emotional state of mind, i take it as u're pretty confused abt the next move.

but i need to tell u that - as much as u have Solutions shoved in your face, the typical You tend to nullify the effectiveness because u're not willing to admit that u made a poor choice to marry this guy.

in fact, u'd rather lament abt him all your life, and perhaps get killed by him when he gets into one of those abusive tantrums. that's sad when i know ppl like you.

once u get past that, u'll find that there are many opened doors that are awaiting you.
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
In Singapore, many couples have or are marrying for the wrong reasons such as HDB flat, peer pressure, ticking biological clock, unplanned pregnancy, dying or dead family member, etc. You leh, Broken? What is so attractive about marriage when yours is in such a bad state?
 

susanna_low

New Member
There's something that you would like to consider on:

1) Treat his words like "耳边风", why take it to heart when he's only nagging and nagging. Learn to "switch off" and to hear only what u want to hear.
Just like my mum, she always like to nag from the sky till the earth so instead of argue or be rude, the whole family just treat as "耳边风". Sometimes it's their nature to nag, why take it to heart? Like yesterday, she's nagging about her groups of aunties friend having conflict and keep on repeat and repeat and repeat throughout the car journey and I couldn't even catch a single ball, just "switch off".

2) Widen your social circle, whenever I feel unhappy, I will just call my buddies and blah blah blah.....I will instantly feel more relieved after that. Occasionally go for a small drink, ktv, mahjong session with your friends instead?

3) Improve your sense of humour and "open" your heart.
Why don't you just laugh it off instead of taking things seriously?
Seriously, my hb likes to nag on trivial issues too and also he will not hesitate to show "lian se" not only to me but anybody who cross his path and "colourful" language is his 3rd language.
In fact he is the most "xiao qi" guy that I ever met and this is something that both of our families and him himself agrees.
When he want to start his nagging skills again, I will just stick out my tongue, pull my ears and make funny faces. This is something that he æ— å¯è€åˆ but if there's seriously disagreement, we will just each retreat to the room and I will just go to bed early and have a good discussion during the morning when both of us cooled down. Never ever ARGUE/QUARREL in a heated argument and for running out of the house, I have no energy for that, rather zzzzzz through the night.
There is no perfect man, instead of keep looking at the bad points, why not focus more on his good points? As long as I know my hb cares for me and the family, I feel contented. The rest doesn't matter.

3) For the household, why not employ a PT maid? Alot of my friends doesn't do household, to prevent conflicts, just pay $$ will do.
and also before marriage, doesn't you know that he's the only son and you will be staying with the parents as well?
 

susanna_low

New Member
eh...I wrote so much and you don't get what I mean ar? :p
My hb might have a more fiery temper than TS' hb and seriously he is not someone easy to get along with.
My mi, with many illness is very hot tempered and will not hesitate to throw a big tantrum. we are all staying together.
Basically after a tedious day at very demanding work environment, we are going home to face her "lian se". Nothing we do can pleased her and on top of that, I have a demanding toddler to look after. I myself have not been in the pink of health and just had a operation just months ago but then no matter what, they are my family and I love them and appreciate of what they have done for me.

To feel happy or not and whether you want to overcome every obstacles is entirely your own choice.
Don't take things to heart or seriously whenever people say things out of anger and most of the time, I will just laugh it off.
Too much hurting words.anger will only kill off a friendship, family ties and also marriage.
My marriage will long be over if I take every trivial matters and tantrums seriously. Over the years, there are improvement in the communications and problem could be solved only when two person are willing to work on it.
It is not easy but this can definitely be done if we TRY.
 

shirleypoise

New Member
Just dun see the relevancy.

It's your choice to live with a fiery tempered hb, and you probably know he's like that and can accept him as he is.

TS's way of keeping the marriage is by escaping when the tough gets going. Believe that she has tried the tolerance method and it's not working thus the choice to stay away. (I'm assuming here that she's not a princess who expects the hb to give in every time.)

At this junction, she should be considering the reason of staying in the marriage. From what she'd described, they're in the marriage for the sake of being in one and not the love marriage that you are in. Her hb is not willing to work on it, from what I've read here.
 

susanna_low

New Member
Not loving marriage lah, just that we did put in effort to make the marriage work. Unfair to judge TS's hb as we only listen 1 side of the story. However be4 attempting to change others, we 1st must change our attitude.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Looking at all the selective reading from TS... one can't help but give her husband some benefit of the doubt. Probably, there is some truths about his frustration and anger over her.
 

lonelygal

New Member
Maybe, I DIDN'T put in enough effort to make the marriage work, that is why I'm holding on. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT ARE THE DUTIES OF A WIFE, WHAT ARE THE DUTIES OF A DAUGHTER-IN-LAW which he is expecting from me. I DIDN'T KNOW THAT LOVE A PERSON MUST SACRIFICE EVERYTHING - MY DREAMS, TIME, STRENGTH, EFFORT, MONEY, ETC.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
You are still trapped in your problems and not willing to look beyond that. I really don't know what you are holding on. You are totally unwilling to work things out with your husband but yet hanging there, and expecting HDB to grant you a flat to hide from his tamtrums. WAKE UP. You know the issues. Stop ignoring them, it will not go away. If you sleep in the streets, its because of your own stubbornness to only work things in the ONE WAY you see and choose.

Staying in a marriage requires both to be flexible and adaptive. The willingness to recognize, accept the way each other are. This isn't happening in your marriage. Face it, u wait 1 yr, 10 yrs or till your death bed, this isn't going to change if both of you go on like this.
 


lonelygal

New Member
I've already said. I know all these problems and TRIED to talk to him but his point is take it or leave it. So are u telling me to accept everything that he ask me to do? U already said BOTH in a marriage which I agree. Is he ACCEPTING me as I AM? NO. He WANTS ME TO CHANGE!CHANGE MY JOB, CHANGE MY CHARACTER, CHANGE EVERYTHING!
 

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