What should I do? Divorce her or not? Please advice

S

sadman2009

Active Member
Dear members,
Please offer me some good advice regarding my marriage. I'm in total lost as to what to do.

I'm only married a few months ago with a China girl.
I love her very much and I thought she loves me too.

Recently she went back to China for 3 weeks and I didn't go with her due to some reasons that she mentioned.
When she came back, she started behaving strangely. Then one day I checked her computer, I found photos that she took intimately with a man. I got to know later that she has been with this man in the past and this time when she went back, she actually spent time with him.
I was totally devastated. She betrayed me!!!
Yet, at first when she realized that I know about this she told some of the story. She admitted that this is her fault and she mentioned that she will stay with me.
Later, I asked her did she have sex with the man and why she did it, she became very mad and wanted a divorce. I was very sad. She is the one that did this and I'm willing to forgive her, I just wanted to know why she did it. But, now she is the one that wanted a divorce.

She was very angry with me for a few days.
Then now she is ok. But now, the man that she's been with knows that she's married, he would only sms her after she went to work and and call her after her work before she get home.
I know that she still keep in contact with him.
The man who is married is getting a divorce with her wife now to get together with my wife.
But, my wife says she will stay with me and she denies having any contact with him ( although I know she still does.)
She has been quite good to me lately, but I'm not sure if it is genuine. I feel that they may be up to something and she may leave me eventually.

I don't wish to have a divorce, especially one that is so soon.
I'm really at a lost as to what to do.
I love her very much and I actually wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I still love her very much now. But I'm not sure if she loves me. We have plans for the future and now I'm very sad.
What should I do now??? Please advice.
 


btw how long are u together with her b4 u marry her? Sorry if u think im bias.. but sometimes alot of china gals juz wan to get married here and then get a divorce after they got their PR.. well its not nice to hear.. but its somehow a reality tho..
 
We knew each other for about half a year and are in the process of applying for PR. Don't think she really wanted PR. Cause she actually wanted to go back to China before we get married.

Actually she did comment during one of our quarrel that this is her mistake of marrying me.
She mentioned that everything I do irritates her. She has been the one enduring me and giving in.
Partly because of her family background. She says she has lots of freedom back home and now after married she feels she has no freedom with me.
She said I have been trying to control her and watch her. But that's not true. Things I would do is to pick her up from work at times and we spend time together on sundays that's all. She don't work on Saturday but I will be working whole day. So, I actually let her have the freedom of doing what she likes on Saturday.
 
Ok first of all, gals sometimes can be smart in turning the facts around.

For ur part, u knew that u gave her freedom on saturdays to do wat she wanted. To fetch her from work, i think thats very nice of u. How i also wish my hubby could come fetch me everyday.

Whats her concept for freedom? I mean after marriage, confirm we have some responsibilities and definitely wont be as free and easy as b4. As long u dun control her where she goes, wat she do, i dun see any problem with wat u are doing now.

Btw for the PR thing, u mentioned tat in the process of applying and she actually wan to go back so how did she ended up marryin u in the end?
 
U knew her for only 6mths before u married her? dun u think that's too short a period to assess whether her feelings (if any) for u are genuine?
 
GraCie (grace011280):
I didn't control where she goes and what she do.
I would just ask her where she is going to or who is she meeting..... But I don't have the intention of stopping her or controlling her. I just feel that I should know and for safety reasons.
When she is outside and if I'm free, I would just called her and ask where is she to see if she wants me to fetch her back.
All these she feels that I'm restricting her moving or trying to control her.
I don't know if this is truly the reasons

We were together. But she don't really like that job that she is doing. (The job is truly sucks)
But if she quit, she will need to leave Singapore and we will be separated. We both didn't wanted to leave each other so we decided to get married. So that we can be together. I know it may sound silly action on our part. But she has also thought about the seriousness of marriage, same do I. And we were in love...
 
Seriously i got a friend who marry a thai gal and reason same as u too. So i wont comment if its silly but i juz wan to say 6months and u marry her is kind of fast.

And juz now u mentioned she felt that u are restricting her or controlling her, do all this happen even b4 marriage or only happen after marriage?

Do think carefully, becuz seriously some foreign gals are really smart in all this.. And whether to trust her or not, only u knw the best.
 
It was after marriage.
I wanted to trust her.
But how to when I know that she is lying to me all the time by saying that she didn't contact the man when I know she does. ( I have my way to find out)
She once said she needs some time to stop contacting the man due to some reason.
 
you've been had...she only wanted the pr thing...the rest was just an act...you are best off without her...eyes wide open please...
 
u should check with ICA if you want to "revoke" her PR. if i am not wrong, i heard they come out with some regulations abt this foreigner thingy
 
Hi sadman, actually kind of obvious already isnt it..? Becuz now the PR thing is still under process and wat i feel is she keep telling u she need some time to stop contacting the man for some reason is an excuse. I somehow feel that once the PR thing approved, she might leave u for that man already..

Becuz seriously if she care abt u, ur tots, ur feelings and this marriage, and she knows u know abt this so call ex lover, wouldnt she stop seeing him immediately to stop u from thinking otherwise or hurting this marriage? Obviously that watever reason she gave u are all excuses... u better think fast and dun wait till PR approved and lose everything..

Of cuz this is only my assumption.. u muz know deep in ur heart if her feeling for u is real.
 
To those trying to advise him, put that tint glasses away. Look at the issues as it is.

Sadman,

Love alone isn't enough to sustain the relationship. The realism of issues can and will ruin whatever love and emotions there are.

She doesn't have the same lifestyle, her expectation of marriage also differs. You are showing love and concerns in ways she isn't accustomed to nor enjoy. You do not even really know what she wants and needs. It doesn't help if your way of showering love brings envy of many women. Point is, she doesn't appreciate that. Learn to realize how different you guys are. Reflect upon them and think if you guys are truly suitable. And if yes, learn to work around the issues for win-win.

Time to reflect. The way I see it, u guys rushed into it. If you want the marriage to work, you guys need to put in the effort to start talking and understanding each other better. It takes 2 to tango. As long as she is willing accompany you through this walk, there is still hope.

Ever consider seeking help from marriage counsellor?
 
please lah....hasn't there been just too many cases of such to even ring any warnings before you decide to marry a china woman.
wanna talk about LOVE with these scheming ppl? Please man...
 
To MiLo On e RoCkS (miloice):
How can I seek help from Marriage Counsellor?
Are there charges?
DO there have Chinese speaking counsellor?

We do talk and she just keep saying she don't want me to do all these that I'm doing.

But the last few days she changed, she has controlled her temper very well.
She even said she believes that I can give her happiness. I'm not sure if it is true.
Coz now she is on work trip to hong kong and I told her that my worry is that she will go and meet the man. But she assures me that she won't even tell him that she is going there.
However, I got to know(from my way) that she does inform him that she is going to Hong Kong for work. But I don't know if she told him where to look for her or not.
She keeps telling me to trust her. I wanted to trust her but I'm very worried that she might be unfaithful to me again....
 
To Habe (habe):
I know and a few of the people around me did tell me to think carefully first and also to wait longer.
But I just thought things will work out well.

My thought is : sometimes things in life are so uncertain. You may prepare very well for marriage and courted for 3 - 7 years but it may still fail. Some I see are also happily marriage despite short-term courtship.
So, I thought I might just give it a shot and put in all efforts to make it work.
 
To GraCie (grace011280):
Ya, sometimes I do think that she don't care much about my feelings or she care more about the man's feelings than mine.

I really don't know what's in her heart and how she really feels. You know, people told me that women are very good in pretending, and they can really let you feel they love you very much while they don't actually.
I don't know how to acertain her feelings for me is true or not. What should I do?
 
didn't want to throw a wet blanket but it's not uncommon for some China woman to get married just for a PR. Some have superb skills on handling a man's heart and playing it according to 'story plot'.

I don't want to generalise that all China woman are like that but it's really down to you to really sit down and open your mind and heart to face the truth and seriously have a thought on the kind of woman she is - her action, behaviour, logic and series of things happening, etc.

Be true to yourself!
 
To Anticipate (agag):
I don't know in what way to be true to myself.
True feelings in me is that I loved her very much and I can't bear to split with her.
We do have happy times together and I also see her putting in some efforts in our marriage.
She would help me to do household chores such as washing my clothes, ironing my clothes, changing bedsheets and blanket, etc. All of each she didn't use to do when she was back home.
 
You know now my heart is so down and painful that I don't know what to think and how to think.
There is no strength left in me. My manager commented that lately I show no confidence in myself.
 
To Anticipate (agag):
Actually the PR thingy, I'm not concerned with.
Stopping her PR application to take revenge is not what I would do.
Well, at least she did willing to spend time with me and does show care and concerns towards me. Many times when I hugged her in bed and we talked about many things, about herself and myself.
I feel that even if she were to leave me eventually, we did love before and I ought to give her something.
I guess this is how great is my love for her ... I'm just silly right? But that's just me ...
 
sadman, actually i felt that u somehow had all the answers to ur own questions. U said that "I feel that even if she were to leave me eventually, we did love before and I ought to give her something.
I guess this is how great is my love for her"

U already said u dun mind if she were to leave u. And for ur part we know that u loved her alot if nt u wouldnt post here to ask for help. Bt for her? its her part thats important. For now, we dun even know if her love is genuine.. and i felt tat even urself also not sure and dunno if u should trust her.

May i know u always mentioned that u have ur ways of knowing that she sees tat man, and informing that man, i mean how?

U know, if till now already married and yet u still not sure if ur partner loves u, all i can say this marriage test really failed.

Marriage also involves the trust for ur partner, if she doesnt gain ur trust tru her actions and urself cant trust her on the way she do things, i mean how long can u foresee this marriage to go on?
 
Hey man….

at this point of time, she prob finds that she feels very restricted because of this very marriage – ironically, there is this reason for the marriage in the very first place – “We both didn't wanted to leave each other so we decided to get married. So that we can be together.”

Be ready to accept that she is not ready at that instance when the topic of marriage first popped up. Even though you are committed, she is not as committed. It is the idea of “being together” for the sake of it, herein lies a lack of “common values or goals”, and even though some future plans have been discussed, I’m not too certain with her true self.

Well , the thing is you discovered her affair. She is pissed off when you questioned her motive. And, she blames you for this marriage. I don’t know how many guys can endure such nonsense, to be real honest.

Do the best for yourself. If you choose to stay, just gotta be realistic with certain chances. If you choose to leave, try to be as amicable as possible.
 
It's obvious she loves her BF more than you. Don't give any more excuses for her to justify that there's still hope of her choosing you in the end. Love takes 2 hands to clap. Be brave to face the reality.
 
sorry for being racist or whatever you call it, but i don;t understand why a china woman can make men go so gaga......

well sadman, all i can say is if you have no regrets loving this lady and doing what you did for her, knowing that she probably (or obviously) has ulterior motives, then kudos to you.

sorry for being so mean but i really dislike the presense of these "black crows" in our society.
 
oh definitely, not saying singaporean women are all angels.
but we are on topic of china women u see...

i remember a couple of yrs back i was in shanghai and i had an arguement with a cab driver who was insulting singaporean women looking for o'seas husbands. Really pot calling kettle black.
 
probably - cos singapore is so small, half of the people on the other side of the earth thinks we are part of China.
 
I'm thinking that maybe she needs the man to help her do things back home if there's a need. Coz she cares about her family back home alot and now since she is gone, she may feel that keeping close contact can enable her to use him.
On the other hand, I do know that she does have great regards for the man.
I don't know what she wants.
She says that she will be with me forever lately but I'm just worried that she may still leave me one day. I really don't know what's in her mind.
Then for my part, I really can't bear to divorce her. I really love her. And I know when this happens everyone in my family will be greatly affected and I will also become a laughing stock to everyone. (Maybe now I'm one already...)
 
I know that I'm just not man enough.
I asked my friend what will he do if he finds out his wife betray him. He said he will definitely divorce her.
But me, I just can't do the same thing as him.
I hate myself. Why things can't work out well for me. I'm sad ....
 
To GraCie (grace011280):
She can't see the man coz he is in China now.
But he still msg her and call her.
She would just talk to him on the phone.
But of course not in my presence. I know that.
She did told me that only after talk to him, then she feels better.
 
sadman,

be brave.. if she did somthing sneaky behind u, no point holding on anymore. watever freedom problem are bullshit. If b4 marriage is ok, y only after marriage then say all this.. And i really kudos to u for being able to still thinking this qn till now even after u know she did something behind ur back. btw regarding ur first post u asked her if she had sex with that guy, so did she admit? if she did, wat are u still waiting for?

I can try to accept anything that happens in a marriage but definitely a NO to betray our partner. Onced the vow and promise is broken, there's really nothing much more to say..

I know u love her but sometimes wats not urs, dun hang on to it so tightly, it wont do u gd.. Let go and probably who knws, u might be happier.
 
I know I need to let go ... eventually.
I just can't accept the fact that my marriage is a broken one and I will bear the status of a divorcee.
And saddest of all, the woman that I have decided to spend my whole life with has failed me.
I can't accept the fact that when I have decided to keep myself from having affairs so as to have a happy marriage yet it is my dearest wife that is doing such thing to me ...
 
Betrayals are sad. Nobody wans this to happen too. But sadly, when it happens its either u keep quiet and still be with her and tolerate all the nonsense or leave her and who knows? A happier life after that.

Actually its ur own decision, if u really cant do without her, then as i mentioned, no complains or regrets after that and keep quiet abt everything or pretend u feel nothing juz to stay in this marriage with her. BUT if u feel that while reading this suggestion and u keep saying "no no no, i cant.." then put a stop to all this ba..

Dun torture urself. Life is short.. enjoy it.
 
goodness sake, stop making this a hate china women arguement. Look at analyze the situation based on the individual.

Just as you don't look at a criminal and say he is of this race. This is getting so damn sick.

Sadman,

wake up your ideas. Why on earth are you letting your emotions affect your work and career? Frankly, that's highly unprofessional of you. If you need time to sort out your thoughts, take time off for vocation. When at work, channel your focus and energy at it.

And on your wife, its really pointless to worry if she will betray you or not. WORRYING serve no purpose at all. Yes, you are probably still recovering from the effects of betrayal. That is normal. Let that healing start once you come on terms with facts.

I repeat, it takes 2 to tango. If she isn't commited, then don't waste your time having any false hopes. Get a grib on yourself. Be a man and not a whimp.
 
Be strong sadman. Don't worry abt being a laughing stock or whatever, other ppls' views of you are not important, it's only how u wanna look at yourself that is. Being a divorcee is not the end of the road, there are many others who are happily married again even though their first marriages failed. Learn to love yourself first before others can love you. All the best.
 
To MiLo On e RoCkS (miloice):
Thanks for your frank comments.
You know I have always been a logic person.
"Always use my brain to do things"
But at times when it comes to emotional stuffs, I allow my hearts to take over. Maybe that's just human nature bah.
I understand that I should not let this affect my work.
But it's all too easy say than done.
You know, when your heart is sick or emotionally weak and sad, you just can't help it. It takes time....
 
To Thomas (thommy):
Thanks Thomas for your encouragement.
I will come to terms with it slowly.
I'm not sure what the future road will be.
I just hope things will be smoother for me ...
 
What is getting "so damn sick"?

The only sick part here is people getting themselves into such sadness and agony knowing very well what's heading their way.

"I know and a few of the people around me did tell me to think carefully first and also to wait longer.
But I just thought things will work out well."

China women or not, that is what i was trying to point out.and fact has proven itself again hasn't it?

Ever heard of inviting thieves into your house?

Sadman, just get over it and open your eyes bigger next time.
 
"inviting thieves into your house"

That's thieves.... NOT chinese, indian national or whatsoever race. That's being RACIST. GET IT?

Look at the individuals as they are and not their SKIN.

"oh definitely, not saying singaporean women are all angels.
but we are on topic of china women u see... "
The topic is NOT ABOUT CHINA WOMEN but Sadman's marriage whose wife so happened to be Chinese National. Not forgetting, he is Singaporean. Hope you see too.
 
Sadman,

no one is saying its easy. If its too hard, its better that you take leave to sort out your thoughts. You don't go on with your work but bring all your sad miserable emotions to it.

When my dad passed away suddenly, it was the hardest hit in my life. Harder than any break up or bad relationship I ever had. I took time to recover too. You need to make that decision to move on. It will be tough but you shouldn't be excusing yourself this way. You are just making it even more difficult for yourself.
 
MiLo On e RoCkS (miloice),

Thanks for sharing your experience and thoughts.
I can tell you are a tougher person after your many personal experiences.
Mind if I ask did you experience and marriage problem? Can share with me your experience via pm?
I hope to how others who face similar experience and manage to walk out from it and how they did it. May be this can encourage me to do the some.
 
Actually I don't pin point on the Chinese national thingy. I'm not a racist.
And I have many friends around me who married Chinese women and they don't have any problem like mine. I see many of the women are just contented with a average living standard and staying at home to take care of their children.
 
When I mentioned "but we are on topic of china women u see... " I was referring to yet another case of a guy getting conned by a china woman, not singaporeans or indians or whoever.

Perhaps i was too loose with my terms, maybe i should have consistently used "black crows" instead of just china women - would this be better? and perhaps I have not put my point across clearly - what I was and still am trying to stress is that ppl keep on banging their heads against the wall knowing that it will hurt. and such con cases - haven't we heard just TOO MANY of such to even serve as a warning sign or do a double take?? No, u see fire, u know will burn u, yet you happily jump into it.

Just as the catergory of "black crows" I would have said the same thing to eg an ang mor guy being hurt by an SPG. Or a poor woman being forced into debts by a seriel gambler. Or even simply, letting a stranger into your house to sell vaccumm cleaner only having to end up getting robbed.

I don't think racism is technically the right word for it. So pls stop name calling wrongly.I'm chinese and my skin is yellow - so i'm racist against myself?And you might also like to know, i go to church everyweek with a whole lot of china men and women

No doubt, i did not and will not hide my dislike for these "black crows" as they have brought abt social issues that we cannot ignore (what happened to TS is already considered mild), I did also apologised for being so from the start but i was ready to get slammed for bringing up such a sensitive issue anyway.
 
Habe,

Yes, we are guilty of discrimination towards Chinese Nationality. Its beyond color alone. We discriminate someone because of the nationality + gender. Since you are so ready to be slam. Here it is. You are discriminating.

What does billions of Chinese nationals have done to be put under this blanket??

And you spoke about going to church with lots of chinese nationals.... Why don't you say the same quote "please lah....hasn't there been just too many cases of such to even ring any warnings before you decide to marry a china woman." to them as well. You might not realize it. you just practised double standards.
 


We can't simply look the other way when we claim that our social structure has been destroyed by certain types of foreigner. We ourselves are at the very core of this "fragile" social fabric. We have to evaluate ourselves first when things happen.
 
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