ya lor i agree, "shit" happens..but lets us not give up...who knows ? "there could be a miracle when we believe"
But agree marriage is really a huge schools of moulding...it trains us to be Tolerant, Forgiving, Giving, Self assured...etc etc.....guess the "exams" are too tough so I failed liao (ie divorced) without considering "supp paper" (ie reconciliation)
But I realise, thru marriage or a divorce, we know ourself better....and that include both strength and weakness....
Sometimes the advert portray Marriage more like a oh beautiful gown/ dazzling jewellery/etc...but if real in real life, wedding just a day event, thereafter is lots and lots of hard work.......
honestly, the hardest thing one can do is to be totally honest with ourselves, yet it is something not many pple seem to be interested to do, so they end up lying to themselves or living their own lies - Even if they think they're not.
in spore, alot of pple give very poor excuses and reasons... even tho at the time of making the choice - they Know FULL WELL they are just trying their luck. If things dun go their way, they Pretend like they have Actually put in alot of effort in the relationship.
what is Honesty? honesty is knowing Full Well, that u picked someone who is not suitable, u picked becos u were lonely, u picked becos he was handsome, u picked becos he was like the 1st guy u had sex with, u picked becos u wanted a means to shift out of home, u picked becos u wanted to have a dream wedding more than a dream guy, u picked becos u wanted to be married like the rest of your frens...
that's what this Honesty is about... being honest to yourself on Your Mistake, and not abt how marriage failed u, how u no longer believe in marriage etc etc. Marriage did not pick us, we picked marraige for reasons only we ourselves know.
with or without marriage, men cheat... Dun pick men with such tendency. with or without marriage, love can fade. with or without marriage, u might meet better guys or he will meet better girls. all these Happens not becos u're in a marriage, but becos u're Human.
if u can't even understand these realities in life, then u've got a long way to go, and i Certainly wonder if u have ever Lived with your eyes open.
powder: agree on what you've said...but one think is that some people, like myself realise the mistakes only when it falls upon ourselves. Just hope that I could carry on with my life with my eyes wide open in future.
it's OK to make mistakes, it's Really OK. Life is wonderful in the sense that we can correct our mistakes and Find happiness - If we're really keen to find it. it's just that some of us feel compelled to wallow in sorrw for longer than we should, which if i were to be honest - tells me that u do not treasure Life.
our priorities should be 1. Happy Life, 2. Happy Relationship etc... but the way i see it, most pple have been educated by movies/serials to be 1. Happy Relationship, THEN can have 2. Happy Life....
we should watch more movies abt Life, than Relationships. abt the Meaning of Life, than abt the meaning of love. Life should always precede Relationship-Love.
i'm no saint, but it pains me to see pple wasting their time over relationships - Marriage, Divorce, Separation, or whatever u wanna call it.
Life is not about success. Everyone is so harp up about being successful in everything, Career, marriage, family etc. Face it, life is not about achievements. Its a walk.
People we meet, life or work with, all these are part of the journey. The recognition of successes could be a one-off event that might not happen for all. Think about what's really important for you? Shit does happen, and its a very essential part in life. We need it.
Back to marriage, to me, its merely a natural step for our relationship. It doesn't matter what it means for anyone else. Its our marriage, our relationship that we are enjoying. Just as for children etc. We don't have them for society or family pressure. This is not the 1st nor the last thread where readers become delusion over stories of others. That's a really foolish thought. Live your life not others.
Marriage is like 2 different personalities trying to make a relationship work. No matter who you choose, there's bound to be differences.
During courtship, there's rubbing and friction. You get to discover shocking facts about your partner and your partner also discovers that of you.
What I encounter is, when both of you are planning for marriage, you have more fights. Worse fights esp if there's pressure from parents.
Different people have different expectations of their partner. Different girls look for different things in a guy. If you want a guy who can lavish upon you gifts and bring you to expensive places, he may do it now cos he could afford but do you know if he's forever well to do? Even then, his heart may be cold towards you ater both of you are married for years. Of cos not all rich men are like that.
What I mean is, what does your partner chose you for? If he's with you bcos of your looks, he will do so if he fancies someone else or when you're getting older. I've seen married women who exercised themselves mad everyday and do all sorts of things to their face and body to keep their husbands when their husbands are fat like pig and old. There are also newly wed wives who exercised incessantly and diet constantly when they're all bones. It's sad.
Altho people may change, I believe characteristics don't change much. How he treats people around him, his colleagues, his subordinates, his parents, his siblings ... he may also treat you when both of you are older. Why not? When he hasn't gotten you, he'll do all sorts of things. But when the love is old, he will treat you like the rest.
Honesty is important. Of cos, both of you definitely have some secrets of your own but if important issues like finances or his family, he has problems sharing or opening up to you, chances are he will be 10 times or even 100 times worse after marriage.
Men don't change. Girls also don't. They only change if they do it for themselves, if they want to, or else it's temporal. It's fake.
When you are dating, when in a relationship, open your eyes WIDE bcos after marrige, you can't choose anymore. The tell tale signs are there. What you see is what you get.
Wanting success and valuing one's life with success is 2 different things. The problem with harping over success is, we ended up valuing only success. That's a very limited and shallow view of our entire life.
Our needs and wants are unlimited. We don't live unfulfilled lives all these while persuing our dreams. We live it the fullest enjoying the process and sharing its successful or growing from failures. If we need success to everything to be happy, most of us will never be happy. And most likely, we will lose alot more in the process because we completely neglected and didn't appreciate what we have all these while in pursue of what we like to have. What we don't prioritize, value and cherish will be taken for granted.
well it's a fine balance isn't it? some pple value and cherish what they have so much now... that they devalue and make light of the need for Progressive success.
success isn't abt getting the highest, the most, nor the best... it's simply abt hitting the simple targets u set a little higher, a little further, a little better than where u're currently at. The problem with most pple isn't abt what they've got, it's abt Not Seeing what they Might Need a couple of years down the road...
how can anyone even be poor in s'pore if they simply Will their thoughts into actions and do things? problem is - pple simply keep their thoughts as thoughts, and do not Will their thoughts. pple who say "i think" will never materialise faster than pple who say "i will" and then put things into action...
Marriage is an Action, it's a series of Actions, it's a lifelong commitment to Actions... but most treat it like an exam result where status is the result, housing is the result, but the continual actions leaves much to be desired. Some go to the extent of preserving, protecting, safeguarding the result by policing and preventing the result from changing. success isn't built on One result and tat's it, else the scholars will be guaranteed millionaire statuses in spore.
it remains a continued series of actions in preservation and progression to the next level of success.
Marriage is an institution that man has come up with to bind 2 people together. I feel that marriage nowadays is different from what it used to be during our previous generations. The values in people are different nowadays, I guess. Maybe that is one of the factors making marriage more fragile.
powder, its not devalue. Its about enjoying the walk regardless the outcome. It is not the same as not progressing. I spoke about appreciating the entire picture. Life is more than achievements ALONE. We must value not ONLY that. It is NOT devaluing progression but recognizing the value of more aspects of life.
We always strive to improve and excel. But its motivation isn't discontent and unhappiness. Being contented is not the same as complacent. Everyone has goals and we don't need to be so unhappy and dissatisfied with our lives to progress. To me, the entire motivation and drive is different. A person that is desperate to be successful will do everything at the expense of everything. Do we need to be at this level? Chances are, the desperate one is likely to be off balance and suffering in his other aspects of life. Everything else takes the backseat. Too long till its gone.
A well balanced life is one that is prioritized and not focused only on a single aspect. I'm talking about maintaining this balance. As we strive and work hard, we need to stop for a while and appreciate the beauty. Don't assume things, health and people will always be there for us to catch up only after we have achieved our goals.
"The problem with most pple isn't abt what they've got, it's abt Not Seeing what they Might Need a couple of years down the road."
This has more to do with the lack of sight and planning rather than the lack of drive to progress.
"it remains a continued series of actions in preservation and progression to the next level of success."
Fully agree with this. We will never achieve the result by focusing on the result. Many people are unhappy and jealous over others success simply because they do not recognize what contributed to the success. They only see the result because that's the only thing that they value.
i think it's more an urgency than desperation... but then it depends on one's needs. my concern is more on pple who feel they dun need, and when the need comes, they will tend to struggle and be driven to desperation. so it's a very fine balance and the lesser of the 2 evils...