What is in his mind?

cucu

New Member
Both are expats, been trying to live together as a couple, but obviously the relationship doesn't work out. The last thing we had was a big arguement, he claimed that we both are too dominant and sometimes he couldn't stand my sturboness. He packed up and left our rental place. I am very sad with his accusation about me, because after a deep thought I think I have been a good and supportive partner. Anyway, it doesn't matter now since it's over.

Weeks after that he came back to take his remaining stuff and passed me the house keys. I still need some of the furniture which belonged to him so I offered to buy them from him, he quoted the price and I agreed. At first we seemed to be pretty calm in the talk, but I didn't know what triggered the fire, we had another arguement of who was at fault etc. Again he left in anger.

He then emailed me his bank detail and requested me to transfer his share of bond of the rental place since he no longer stayed there, together with the money for his furniture. I transfered it immediately because I didn't want to owe him anything, but the next day it bounced back. I emailed him with a copy of the transaction so that he could check if the detail he provided was correct. He didn't reply my email.

Let say the email didn't reach him (very unlikely, it was his company's email), he would have been jumping up and down if he realised the money had not reached his account yet because he is a very 'calculative' type. After a few months I emailed him again about this, and also to inform him that from time to time I still received some letters which were attention to him and reminded him to change his postal address. Again there was no reply. The expensive wedding ring is still with me and it's really surprising that he has not asked it back from me.

It's very not like him. It couldn't be hate because if someone really hates somebody, s/he will chase back everything even if it is a 5 cent that is owed to him/her? I wonder what is in his mind?
 


mum_of_2_girls

New Member
Hi cucu,

This may sounds cruel to you. I think he just didn't want you in his life anymore. So much so that he would rather not have his money back than to contact you again.

Cheer up. Lots of Hugs.
 

cucu

New Member
Maybe you are right, Albee. It looks like he is having a big grudge in his heart, is there such a need to go to that extend? Actually he just has to email me the right bank detail, that's all. Am I that horrible in his heart now?

Yep the world is still rotating. On the day he came back to take his stuff, I already accept the fact that it's over. Since I still had the concern if he would agree to sell me the furniture and helped him to take his stuff to his car (before the arguement where he left in anger), it meant I was not that devastated lah.

Should I return the money and ring to him or it's better to wait for him to ask first? I don't want to look up for him too since he has the wish to 'hide' from me, nobody knows how he would react. Unfortunately we do not have a mutual friend.
 

cococherry

New Member
cucu,

If you have accepted that it's over than why bother whether are you horrible in his heart now? All he wants now might be - u to leave him alone.

Return the money and ring when he ask, move on with your life or donate the sum to the charity.
 

altiora

Member
Maybe he had an accident and died?
(I am being evil here... hehehe)

Seriously though, I think you don't have to waste your time and effort to decipher what he is thinking. Continue with your own life and if he doesn't come and collect his stuff, so be it. There is no need to contact him, since if he really wanted his stuff he would have come and get it himself.

Good luck and live well.

Cheers.
 

powder

Active Member
cucu,

if this transpired over months, then i would expect below scenarios before i would think that he's being petty...

1. he's dead. he's in a coma.
2. he got into an accident and hasn't been back to office, either in hospital or home recuperating.
3. he's gone on a long vacation.
4. he quit his job and email closed up.
5. he's in jail.
6. his company sent him to another sub-division with different email.

so obviously, u're pretty vindictive and unconcerned yourself. u're more pre-occupied with Your feelings than his well-being.

if u find out that he's dead... u'll learn a lesson in life u'll never forget...
 

goldfishtee

New Member
Hi Cucu,

Are you thinking that he might want to go back with you again? I think you should not think too much over this payment thing. Be it that he hates you or not, just move on. Keep the money ready in case one day he contact you and ask about the payment. As for the letters, you don't have any responsibility towards them, but I think it's not too much also if you keep and pass it to him when you guys meet someday. The same goes for the expensive ring.

On the side note, take a reflection over this failed relationship. He said you're being too dominant, perhaps it's true. You may not realized it, but it's for your own good actually.
 

cucu

New Member
Can call but it might trigger another arguement, so I rather email to keep it simple and no hard feeling.

Huh.. dead? Ha.. I think even after I am dead and already recarnated, he is still in this world combing his white beard. Aiyo.. not that I'm unconcerned, but he will be alright since he's an adult who can care for himself, plus has he ever concerned about how I am now? No too.

I agree with altiora and goldfish, so I will keep it first till he asks for it.
 

powder

Active Member
cucu,

i didn't know that death can be avoided simply by being an adult who can care for oneself.

if i were u i would pick up the phone to call or sms... such a long leave of absence should set some alarm bells... but since u're unconcerned then it's really your prerogative...
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
The week my family lost contact with my dad... He had suddenly passed away in his apartment alone till neighbours complained of the smell. Death can come anytime even when it's least expected.
 

cucu

New Member
I'm sorry to hear that Milo. Sometimes I do feel I should call, like I suspect it's very not like him not to enquire why the money is not in his account yet. But in case he is that much wants me to be out of his life, what if he starts to be aggressive and says those hurtful words, I am also scared to be hurt again. I struggle to recover from the failed relationship and digest all his hurtful words during our arguements, I just don't wish to go through it again. Or perhaps he is busy with a new gf, I don't think I want to know it from him. See how after some times, perhaps I might call to check... kua... you guys start to make me worried now, a bit.
 

tomasulu

Member
doesn't matter what he wants. what do you want? sounds to me you want to get back together and your mind is seeing things that aren't there.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
If u moved on, would u worry much over what he could and would say over a single phone call? Come on... U r bothered enuff to start this thread but not call. Will die issit?
 

powder

Active Member
cucu,

honestly, i think you might wanna re-assess how your emotions and guesses gets much more priority over anything else.

i would think that concern over another's well being takes some form of precedence over one's pride.... but i guess not all the time.

i hope he's alive and well, and u're right. i seriously do.
 

cucu

New Member
Well, we've just break up, I just try try not to be in contact yet, try not to be reminded of what has happened otherwise how to forget and move on? If I call now to care about his well-being, then it's not called moving on. I don't see any good feeling involved when a couple has ended a relationship with arguements, more or less there will be some anger, and no point to call an angry person now. That's why I hesitate with the suggestion to call. The thread exists because I am surprised that he suddenly becomes 'relaxed' on monetary matter.
 

cucu

New Member
Well, we've just break up, I just try try not to be in contact yet, try not to be reminded of what has happened otherwise how to forget and move on? If I call now to care about his well-being, then it's not called moving on. I don't see any good feeling involved when a couple has ended a relationship with arguements, more or less there will be some anger, and no point to call an angry person now. That's why I hesitate with the suggestion to call. The thread exists because I am surprised that he suddenly becomes 'relaxed' on monetary matter.
 

powder

Active Member
sori i dun get the timeline...

"Well, we've just break up, I just try try not to be in contact yet, try not to be reminded of what has happened otherwise how to forget and move on? If I call now to care about his well-being, then it's not called moving on. I don't see any good feeling involved when a couple has ended a relationship with arguements, more or less there will be some anger, and no point to call an angry person now. That's why I hesitate with the suggestion to call. The thread exists because I am surprised that he suddenly becomes 'relaxed' on monetary matter."


"Let say the email didn't reach him (very unlikely, it was his company's email), he would have been jumping up and down if he realised the money had not reached his account yet because he is a very 'calculative' type. After a few months I emailed him again about this, and also to inform him that from time to time I still received some letters which were attention to him and reminded him to change his postal address. Again there was no reply"
 

the_giving_tree

New Member
If anything, just give him a call, as any concerned friend would, to make sure he is alright and well. Rehearse what you will say to him if he does pick up your call (Hi, I'm concerned when I did not hear from you for months. I hope you are alright) to minimize any bad feelings. At least your conscience is clear.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Moving on is never about forgetting. ONLY you if get brain damage or some head injury, then maybe u will lose memory. You need to accept and recognize that the relationship is over. Period.

If after a few months still so much anger, then its really the RIGHT CHOICE to break up. It is strange to assume someone would remain angry all the time. Its stupid to breakup simply because of anger. There should be more to it than anger. That's only short term. When a person calms down, they reflect and look beyond the anger. i.e. they see no point and/or confidence in savaging it anymore. One thing is clear here... PRIDE. And any relationship that isn't more important than the pride isn't worth keeping. It will not restand any conflicts in between that is inevitable in any relationship. Pride can eat one meh? Relationship with such a partner would be one way. The other party always giving in to the egoistic stubborn and prideful one. IF like what you described, both equally prideful and stubborn, then its something you should reflect for yourself. Don't be childish.

How does one phone call to ensure closure going to stop you from moving on?? The intention is to settle things. No? Unless, it is your heart that isn't settled and still lingering for some brim of hope. When what he does or says no longer affect you in the same way, that's moving on. It doesn't mean you must try try not to contact him. It is what's in your heart and mind that matters MORE than a single phone call.
 

thommy

New Member
I think she's still harbouring the faintest of hopes that she can yet salvage something out of this relationship...
 

simpleman

Active Member
Obviously the problem is in her. She should be asking: "What is in my mind instead?".

You can give him a call.. just asking about the account details.. don't even have to show him any concern.. of course that could be asked along the way..

But I guess the big thing is still "What is in my mind?" If it is not clear... then you will continue to ask questions
 

powder

Active Member
it's basically misplaced pride... pride that takes precedence over well-being, pride that takes precedence over goodness.

a parting of ways is just the end of a shared journey becos of differences and it makes a good decision to Not be together becos u dun wanna end up hating each other... but seems for some, breaking up turns the other person to some sort of enemy...

not in this era...
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
anyway, it could simply be a misjudgement of her ex as being calculative. He is probably being so calculative with her to spite her all these while. This would be consistent with how prideful the both have been in their relationship.

The irony is many adults remain in childish relationships fighting stupid pride issues.
 

hweebs

New Member
Cucu,

I think it is sometimes difficult for a man to tolerate being extremely close to a woman. It's a bit like a cha-cha, when you move closer, he moves further. I don't know if he is gone for good etc, but I think that he does not want to be so close to you right now. The more contact and concern you show to him now, the more he feels that you are trying to trap him and will run even faster! I will suggest that you try to contain your need to connect to him to see what happens
happy.gif
but in any case, take care of yourself yah! Have gossipy sessions with your gfrens, do a mani/pedi, have a vacation, treat yourself to some yummies, not to comfort yourself, but that you are worth pampering! " )
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
What trap him? He already packed and left for months. They broke up. Her purpose of calling is supposingly to settle outstanding stuffs.
 

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