Wedding banquet - traditions and who pays?

[mochi79]

Hi,

I'm new to this forum and want to better understand wedding traditions in Singapore. My fiance is from Singapore but I'm Chinese Canadian and don't know what is typical. I'm very uncomfortable with what he wants to do for the banquet, hoping other Singapore brides can help me out.

-Is it usual to have the parents invite ALL their friends and families? My fiance is telling me he must invite all of his dad's relatives, friends, etc. out of respect. When I ask him to come up with a guest list so we can go through it together he says everything will be left to his parents to decide (i.e. he doesn't even know everyone they will invite). Do we really have to invite everyone his parents want out of respect?

-His family is very large so the dinner has to be in Singapore. Since mine is in Canada only my parents and sister will be flying over. I will invite a few of my extended relatives in China and friends in Canada/U.S. but I don't think a lot of them will fly over. So I'll have 1 table max, and essentially out of the 150ish guest list 95%+ will be from his family. I think that will be incredibly awkward and want to cut the guest list down to ~50, which he has agreed to do for the ceremony but not the dinner, again saying it will be disrespectful to not invite his parent's friends/distant relatives. Is inviting people out of respect really such a big deal in Singapore weddings? He's already said he doesn't really care if these people show up but he must invite them out of respect.

-On cost, he insists we pay for 100% of everything. My family is Chinese and my mom has told me in Chinese custom the groom's parents pays for the banquet - that's how it's always been in our family and it's what she expects. Coworkers in the U.S. say groom's family should pay for the rehearsal dinner. Fiance's parents have actually offered to help with the banquet, but fiance turned them down saying he doesn't want to take money from his dad. He says if I don't want to pay for the banquet he'll save up and pay for all of it himself, but that means I have to pay a bigger share for the ceremony, honeymoon, everything else, so functionally I'll be paying for it anyway. $20k-$30k is way more than what I want to spend. I already pay a bigger share of all of our joint expenses because I make more than him, so if he saves up to pay for this dinner solo, it means I pay for an even bigger share of rent/food/etc. or we just don't have any nice things/go on vacations/skimp on the honeymoon etc.

To me it seems like since this dinner is mostly for the benefit of his parents they should foot the bill. I only have 3 people who will definitely come, he's not willing to compromise on the size of the guest list (again the "disrespect" thing), it just seems so unfair?? I think either his parents should pay for it or I should get to cut down the size of the guest list, but fiance's not willing to compromise on either, saying it's Singapore custom. I always expected parents from both sides to contribute something, and I know my parents definitely are, so it seems unfair that his side would contribute nothing (and his parents are wealthier than mine).

Not sure what to do at this point - it feels like I'll just be an accessory to this dinner instead of it being a celebration of my wedding. On top of that I have to pay 100% of it and skimp on things I actually care about. Fiance has said we should break up the wedding if I can't get on board- that's how important this dinner is to his family/traditions. Is it really such a big deal?

 

[dazzlingjacq]

Hi Mochi, for the banquets, usually the couple will split half -half between themselves and the groom side will give the girl's parents a few tables to invite their relatives and friends. He could be influenced by his parents who wanted to show off to their relatives and friends but its really unnecessary. Though if his relatives and friends are generous or well to do, the costs of the wedding could be soften from the red packets received. you probably might be able to recoup back 70-80% of the banquet if you chose a mid priced hotel venue. I think he didnt want to take money from his parents because he does not want to depend on them and take their retirement money. If its within your means, you can give in on the number of guests he wants to invite and just choose a place within your budget that you are more comfortable since its just for show.

 

[Huathuat88]

Hi @mochi79 ! Im a btb and For me and my htb, we are sharing the cost for the banquet and everything wedding related. My htb earned way more than me but i insist on sharing as i felt its my duties to contribute too I think ultimately it depends how you and yr htb wants to split it, there is no right or wrong. We let our parents decide how many tables they want as long as its within the limit, our friends/ colleagues are not even prioritied because after all, its really just a event where we want our parents to be happy about. We didnt let either parents fork out a cent too. Is your fiance an only/ eldest son to get married? If yes, most likely thats the reason why he is insisting to let his parents decide because yes its a traditional chinese custom & mindset. Additionally if before a wedding there is underlying monetary issues it is best to set the tones right from the start how you guys will be splitting the bills/ savings etc in future cos it goes a long way! All the best

 

[Nestennorsk]

Hi @mochi79,

I'm replying a tad late to this post and don't know if you've resolved this dilemma but thought it might be useful for you to hear from someone in a somewhat similar position (from the other side). I'm the Singaporean (bride) and my partner is European. He earns significantly more than me. So to answer your questions in bullet point:

- Yes it is usual for parents to invite all their friends and families. I've had way too many explosive arguments with my parents about the guestlist and am not allowed to comment on who it is my parents invite. It is considered rude and disrespectful. However, the major difference here is that my parents are bearing the cost of the whole wedding dinner (they appreciate my partner and I returning to Singapore to get married) so are entitled to invite whoever they want to. It is for them... and by extension, for me. His family and friends are not able to attend due the short notice and high costs of travel. This Singapore wedding dinner is therefore hosted by my parents because it is ultimately for them (and for me).

- None of my partner's family or friends will be attending the wedding in Singapore due to the (very) short notice and high costs. He is fortunate enough though to have friends based in Singapore to make up one table so he won't feel exceedingly alone. On my part, I understand that there will be a huge imbalance and am managing this by only inviting two tables of friends. I cannot control how many family friends/relatives attend, but I can ensure that I don't invite an excessive number of my friends.

- As mentioned, my parents are paying 100% of the wedding dinner. The way I see it, this wedding dinner is gifted to me by my parents so I do not expect my partner to bear the large costs. I have offered to pay for things but as my parents have repeatedly said, 'No. If you're going to pay for it, it's the same as us paying for it'. My partner has gotten rather excited about the wedding as well and does have friends attending. For that reason, I started discussing the possibility of him covering certain smaller costs such as dresses, shoes, makeup, cake etc. and he has been nothing but obliging. While it may not be the wedding he wanted, he respects and cares for me enough to want to contribute towards it. For that, I am grateful. He will also eventually be paying for the entire cost of another wedding reception for his family and friends when we travel home because that is something he wants.

I think that you should fundamentally discuss with your fiance WHO the wedding is for because that answers the question of who pays for it. If it is for his parents, it is fair that they share in the costs and as his partner, it is also fair that he expects you to 'want' to share in some of the costs. As a last point, I'd add that your concern on the size of the guestlist and guests neither of you know is unclear. Yes, there is a cultural element to the fact chinese parents invite friends and associates to attend the wedding dinner of their child. If your concern is about the wedding feeling unpersonal, then definitely break up the wedding into something 'formal' for his family and friends and something informal for your family and friends. That might work better and each of you can cover the costs of one wedding. If your concern is the additional costs, note also that friends of parents are often more likely to give larger red packets as well so they often assist with the cost of the wedding dinner!

All the best. Hope you both find something that satisfies both of you!