Wedding Banquet "Dowry"

[excalaver]

Hi guys, what im about to touch upon may be sensitive due to it being part of chinese culture and traditions. Im currently looking for a location for my banquet and in chinese customs the father of the groom(im the groom) has to give a number of tables to the in-laws. From what i know, many friends told me that they usually give the ang bao back to help cover the cost of the banquet, if there is any excess they keep it. However my future MIL told my WTB that she will keep the "10 table ang bao" which can amount to a lot.

I kind of got annoyed by this because all the money that is coming out for this wedding be it PS or AD or gowns or anything is solely paid by me and my parents, dowry included. They are not forking out a single cent. And our BTO is solely paid by me alone. Is it just me? or are anyone also experiencing the same issue? Am I in the wrong to feel this way?

This really limits us to go into a budget as I was planning to have the wedding at fourseasons. I might just cancel the dinner in the end because the amount we have to come out for the wedding will be enormous.

Im sorry if my words will offend anybody. Im just lost at how i should react to this.

 

[Esvta]

Well.. Traditionally the "tables" are part of the dowry.. So are the Ang bao.. That's why some wedding have 2 red packet boxes.. however, modern parents nowadays don't take the red packet $ or just take a bit as a gesture and return the rest to both of u in the form of red packet or what.. Guess her parents are more tradition.. So is my dad though I'm not sure if he really meant it.. I reckon u should prepare for "worst case scenario"..

Similarly for the bride price during Guo da Li, they will take a portion out from the amt and return u the rest..

Traditions.. Sigh! All the best!

 

[deloresyam]

Yes. Tables are part of the dowry. But normally they dont take all just like the dowry it will be returned partialy as a sign that the new family will share the prosperaty together.
Im not too sure how your in laws want it but I guess if they return you the cost of tables and keep the extras it should be good. Why dont you talj to them?

 

[xellos]

I think that you should talkt o her about it and see if theres any chance to reduce it to 2 tables instead otherwise you have have alot of problems later

 

[PatChan]

Hi guys, what im about to touch upon may be sensitive due to it being part of chinese culture and traditions. Im currently looking for a location for my banquet and in chinese customs the father of the groom(im the groom) has to give a number of tables to the in-laws. From what i know, many friends told me that they usually give the ang bao back to help cover the cost of the banquet, if there is any excess they keep it. However my future MIL told my WTB that she will keep the "10 table ang bao" which can amount to a lot.

I kind of got annoyed by this because all the money that is coming out for this wedding be it PS or AD or gowns or anything is solely paid by me and my parents, dowry included. They are not forking out a single cent. And our BTO is solely paid by me alone. Is it just me? or are anyone also experiencing the same issue? Am I in the wrong to feel this way?

This really limits us to go into a budget as I was planning to have the wedding at fourseasons. I might just cancel the dinner in the end because the amount we have to come out for the wedding will be enormous.

Im sorry if my words will offend anybody. Im just lost at how i should react to this.

Have you resolved your issue? Just curios, my AD is coming in 3 months time, previously I have almost the same problem, just that everything is paid by both my HTB and myself. There was once that my MIL say to me tht she will keep the red packets for the dinner from some relatives, in my mind I was like WTF! That's your son! you are not marrying off a daughter, why do you even think of taking the red packets! Moreover, the dinner will be paid by our own.

 

[xellos]

PatChan:- Are they coming out with any cash to help out? Wedding in our era is very different alr. Most of us folk out on our own
As for the "ping li" my mother din asked for a single table hong bao and she gave half of the ping li hongbao back to my HTB becos she also know that it can be very costly. But this is the first time i heard of such issue as in the son side asked for hongbao. EVEN SO, it should be the bride parents to take and NOT the groom side wad. Suggest you talked to your HTB.

 

[PatChan]

Nope, not a single cent, it will be fully covered by ourself. Even my mum told me beforehand that she will not be taking the red packets. -_-"
Exactly, this is the first time ever, i heard of the parents of the groom saying to keep the red packets. Initially I told him something challenging is coming up from his mum, he brushed me off saying everything will be fine... when i told him what exactly was said by his mum, he got a shocked. I dont know if he had spoke to her on this yet, and we are just 3 months away, getting pretty worried what other stun she is going to come up with. Worst still, couple of mth back, I realized I got preg, was initially very happy, when she found out abt it, her first qns was "so the wedding how? No need to hold already?" First thoughts to my mind was like, come on! where's the link! But due to some medical reason, I couldnt take the risk to keep the poor little kid + her pressure of asking me to remove due to the risk. =( super sad!
Been trying to get committed to prepare my wedding everyday to forget abt my loss.

 

[xellos]

I feel that your MIL is terrible. EVEN if she really want the red packet, she should had informed way earlier. 10 tables is alot of money leh (Let me do a little calculation) for instance if 1 table after 17% charge on the average price of 1300 would be 1521 x 10 = S$15,210. IT sure takes time to save that kinda amount esp after paying a huge sum of bridal, deposit and misc right? Anyway, guys are all like that, they always feels nothing is gonna go wrong blah blah cus they dont care. Will you be staying together w your MIL after married? Please don't.

 

[PatChan]

I feel that your MIL is terrible. EVEN if she really want the red packet, she should had informed way earlier. 10 tables is alot of money leh (Let me do a little calculation) for instance if 1 table after 17% charge on the average price of 1300 would be 1521 x 10 = S$15,210. IT sure takes time to save that kinda amount esp after paying a huge sum of bridal, deposit and misc right? Anyway, guys are all like that, they always feels nothing is gonna go wrong blah blah cus they dont care. Will you be staying together w your MIL after married? Please don't.

I'm already staying with her, just that once in a while my htb will move back with me to stay over the weekend. We are waiting for our new home that will only come next year.

 

[PatChan]

Hi guys, what im about to touch upon may be sensitive due to it being part of chinese culture and traditions. Im currently looking for a location for my banquet and in chinese customs the father of the groom(im the groom) has to give a number of tables to the in-laws. From what i know, many friends told me that they usually give the ang bao back to help cover the cost of the banquet, if there is any excess they keep it. However my future MIL told my WTB that she will keep the "10 table ang bao" which can amount to a lot.

I kind of got annoyed by this because all the money that is coming out for this wedding be it PS or AD or gowns or anything is solely paid by me and my parents, dowry included. They are not forking out a single cent. And our BTO is solely paid by me alone. Is it just me? or are anyone also experiencing the same issue? Am I in the wrong to feel this way?

This really limits us to go into a budget as I was planning to have the wedding at fourseasons. I might just cancel the dinner in the end because the amount we have to come out for the wedding will be enormous.

Im sorry if my words will offend anybody. Im just lost at how i should react to this.

I have a fren of the same situation as you, or perhaps more jiat lat. they took the red packets and only inform them after that. Rightfully dowry should be given to the bride by her own parents.
If I were you, I would most likely going to change the whole event to a simple and easy event, that is not going to cost that much. try considering other alternatives.

 

[penguinavalanche]

My HTB and his family are actually paying for most of the wedding like your side. Just that my parents are also blessing me with a sum of money for e wedding as well. My parents also not gonna take any hongbao from tables though groom's side offered as it's tradition to offer maybe just like a few tables hongbao at least.

However if burden is too heavy for you, maybe you can communicate it to them? Can nego for maybe just 3 tables hongbao for them?

 

[dec14btb]

Hi all i duno if i m worrying too much, i m thinking am i treating my parents unfairly? My bf parents are paying for 6-8 tables for us. I understand in most cases, the bride's parents will keep the red packets from these tables. However my parents said that they dun want the red packets n my bf n i will keep the red packets instead. As for pin jin, my dad says he will just keep 2k plus (but i got a feeling my mum finds it too lil). So i m thinkimg after taking care of me for so many years, are they receiving too little from my wedding? Since i heard alot of parents keep the ang pow n ask for large amount of pin jin. Pls advise!! =)

 

[snowbell09]

Are the mothers selling their daughters? No right? It all boils down to own affordability & family customs. Please do not compare in monetary terms.