Wedding banquet angbaos

[vality]

Hi fellow BTBs, I'm sorry if this topic has came up before but I need some of your opinions and advice on how to deal with the situation in facing.

A few months ago after booking my venue, my parents have been talking about the number of tables for my AD dinner banquet and who to invite. My father also brought up the topic of him and my mum keeping ALL the angbaos that'll be given by my relatives. I asked if it was negotiable since my HTB and I are co-paying for everything ourselves, he said possibly.

However today he brought it up again, insisting that he will keep 100% of all relatives' angbaos, and at the same time telling me he wanted to increase the initial number of tables of 5 to 9 for relatives and HIS friends (HTB and I have 15 tables each). Many of my friends have said that their parents will usually give the angbaos back to help cover the cost of the banquet, but my father insists he will keep them all. And our cost per table is quite steep.

He repeated "it's tradition and we must follow" again and again, and cited examples such as his siblings' wedding to prove his point. I told him this doesn't apply as much in modern weddings due to much higher prices and co-payments, but he wouldn't hear any of it. He even got his siblings on his side, who are ready to "advice me on appropriate traditions" if I were to disagree. He also thinks I should tell my future-in-laws that they should be forking out the 9 tables he is requesting for.

I am now incredibly stressed and upset because my HTB and I are forking out everything on our own, and with our BTO coming soon it will be really tough on us financially :'( Any advice on how to handle the situation will be greatly appreciated!

(Btw my fiancé's stance is that we should pay for everything on our own)

 

[honeycrumbs]

Maybe can try asking him to lower the number of tables ? Maybe just 5 tables instead of 9 ?
Another option is if he wants 9 tables and each table cost eg $1600, then give him $1600x9. But you all keep the ang bao instead. As I think maybe the angbao should be more as it comes from relatives and some tend to be more generous.

 

[minipork]

try asking again? probably he will understand when he found of the price u have to pay ?

 

[saiiruss]

Maybe can try asking him to lower the number of tables ? Maybe just 5 tables instead of 9 ?
Another option is if he wants 9 tables and each table cost eg $1600, then give him $1600x9. But you all keep the ang bao instead. As I think maybe the angbao should be more as it comes from relatives and some tend to be more generous.

I disagree with relatives tends to be more generous.
for example, if a relative household has 4 person (2 adults and 2 kids). they wont possibly give $640 (4x 1600/10). most probably they will give $500 for a household.
why am I so sure. cos I came from a big family. my father has 16 siblings including himself.
so from my cousins experience, they always tell me to get ready to get lower amount of angbao.
I am same with TS. my stance is that we should pay for everything our own. but my fear is my gf father will wants to keep all the angpow.

so wth is this tradition about. no wonder Chinese tradition cannot last long.

 

[honeycrumbs]

I disagree with relatives tends to be more generous.
for example, if a relative household has 4 person (2 adults and 2 kids). they wont possibly give $640 (4x 1600/10). most probably they will give $500 for a household.
why am I so sure. cos I came from a big family. my father has 16 siblings including himself.
so from my cousins experience, they always tell me to get ready to get lower amount of angbao.
I am same with TS. my stance is that we should pay for everything our own. but my fear is my gf father will wants to keep all the angpow.

so wth is this tradition about. no wonder Chinese tradition cannot last long.

Think it depends on relatives, some of my relatives gave market rate but some other relatives they gave up to 3k each.

 

[vality]

Maybe can try asking him to lower the number of tables ? Maybe just 5 tables instead of 9 ?
Another option is if he wants 9 tables and each table cost eg $1600, then give him $1600x9. But you all keep the ang bao instead. As I think maybe the angbao should be more as it comes from relatives and some tend to be more generous.

Thanks @honeycrumbs. He said the minimum number of tables he wants is 8, nothing lower. There will be a discussion with my relatives this weekend and I'll try your suggestion as an option. I don't even know why I have to heed to others even though it's my own wedding. Some traditions are good to follow, but some are just ridiculous.

 

[vality]

I disagree with relatives tends to be more generous.
for example, if a relative household has 4 person (2 adults and 2 kids). they wont possibly give $640 (4x 1600/10). most probably they will give $500 for a household.
why am I so sure. cos I came from a big family. my father has 16 siblings including himself.
so from my cousins experience, they always tell me to get ready to get lower amount of angbao.
I am same with TS. my stance is that we should pay for everything our own. but my fear is my gf father will wants to keep all the angpow.

so wth is this tradition about. no wonder Chinese tradition cannot last long.

Thank you too @saiiruss, I understand where you're coming from. Knowing my relatives, my maternal side relatives (with more uncles & aunties) are not so generous like you mentioned, their practice is to round off a figure like what you calculated.

But my paternal side's relatives are pretty generous when it comes to angpaos - which is why it's so painful because I thought their angpaos could help substantially for the banquet, but my dad wants to keep them all. My wedding is the first big celebration for my side of the family, so there was no one to cave the path and set the tradition for my generation yet.

 

[vality]

try asking again? probably he will understand when he found of the price u have to pay ?

the sad thing is he knows exactly how much it costs.. but yet he said it was "ridiculous for the daughter to even request for her parents to give up the angpaos"

 

[honeycrumbs]

Thanks @honeycrumbs. He said the minimum number of tables he wants is 8, nothing lower. I would try that. There will be a discussion with my relatives this weekend and I'll try your suggestion as an option. I don't even know why I have to heed to others even though it's my own wedding. Some traditions are good to follow, but some are just ridiculous.

Yah I understand you, when I got married it looks like my parents are the one getting married... Everything follow their instructions and last minute can suddenly add something new...

 

[ohmytego]

I'm sorry but your father sounds like he is trying to profit from his own daughter's wedding.

 

[kmgk]

Since you and your HTC are co-paying everything, both of you should have the final say. Stand firm. Jia you!

 

[octobride]

Same case here. My mother wants 6 tables and keep all the 6 tables angbaos for herself. She insist that it's 'law'.
Me and hubby paying for everything.

 

[octobride]

Don't think of profiting from relatives. They bring whole family come and only give little bit.

 

[Passionate]

Depends on whether you want to maintain a good relationship with your dad. What's the likelihood of your parents helping to take care of future kids, for example. If you wish, then have to bite the bullet and be prepared to give him the tables and money. If not, tell him it's his choice. He need not turn up for the dinner.

 

[mifenmei]

ping jing is given by the groom's parents right? my mum also requested 5 tables. I was thinking ask my hubby mum to give him back the cost of 5 tables. Anyone done this before?

 

[octobride]

ping jing is given by the groom's parents right? my mum also requested 5 tables. I was thinking ask my hubby mum to give him back the cost of 5 tables. Anyone done this before?

What do you mean?

 

[JENNIFER LI]

ping jing is given by the groom's parents right? my mum also requested 5 tables. I was thinking ask my hubby mum to give him back the cost of 5 tables. Anyone done this before?

 

[JENNIFER LI]

How do i delete post?? (",?)

 

[Liliput]

ping jing is given by the groom's parents right? my mum also requested 5 tables. I was thinking ask my hubby mum to give him back the cost of 5 tables. Anyone done this before?

Yeah Ping Jing is given by the groom's parent. But im not sure if its appropriate to link ping jing with the wedding tables your mum wants. maybe check with your hubby first. see if it's ok for him and his mom.

I had a friend who asked her parents to pay for the additional tables if they also want to keep the angbao...