Wat to do to stop thinking of ex

pink_sapphire

New Member
i have known my ex ever since we were studying in uni last time. We were together for 7 to 8yrs and even nearly got married. We went through our studies together, graduated together, started looking for a job together .. I can say that we been through a lot together and we knew each other pretty well at least i can say that i thought i knew him pretty well. When he proposed, he bought me my dream diamond ring even though he had to pay via installments for it. However, about 3months after he proposed, he initiated a break up with me as he said he had a change of heart. I was devastated back then and it felt like i was falling into this endless black hole. I kept thinking if he was serious when he proposed and why did he propose if he can change heart so easily and quickly. He didnt contact me at all not even to ask about my well being then i thought that well perhaps its just human nature afterall if he really had met someone he thinks that he really likes and is the one then i should be happy for him and wish him happiness. Then 3 mths after my breakup , i met mr j (who is now my husband). Mr j is a person whom i felt can be trusted and wont all of sudden say change of heart type of person and i felt that he is some1 who is not easily swayed by others. We got along pretty well and went out often, never didnt he really asked me in details about why i broke up with my ex which made me feel very comfortable with him. another 3 mths later, mr j asked me to be his gf and my ex called me at the same time to ask for a meet up and also to apologise. I agreed to be mr j gf becos i thought that i have to move on just like wat my ex had told me last time and also cos i thought mr j is a nice person whom i didnt wanna miss. one or two mths later, i met up with my ex he apologiesed and told me that he made a very serious mistake of breaking up with me the other time he said he didnt know wat made him do all those things and hoped that we could be together again. However, we didnt reconcile as i feel that a scar is a scar and i didnt wanna live with it forever also i believe in the chinese saying "hao ma bu chi hui to chai" (gd horse dun turn back). But for the next few months we kept in touch via msn and now and then he did talk about reconciling but i felt that its not for me as i would be always thinking of that espisode if we really reconciled and who knows when he will 1 day tell me again that he has a change of heart all of sudden. Months went by and mr j proposed to me. at that time i felt that well i would have gotten married already if not for my ex who all of sudden said that he had a change of heart. i just wanted to move on and carry on with life and have a taste of wat marrigae life is about further more mr j is a nice guy and i feel that he should be the one. I told my ex that i was getting married so that at least he will not wait for me if ever he is really waiting and i am now already 6mths married after our customary. However, even now i find myself thinking of my ex very often even though we do not msn each other any more. sometimes i find myself wondering, if i still think of him so often, does this mean that i miss him and actually i wan to be with him? but then another part of me tells me that i won't wan to risk it by reconciling with him and then risk it that one day he will tell me that he has a change of heart again i dun think i can take a second heartbreak anymore. but anyway am already married now .. is there anyway that i can dun think or will it just dwindle with time ? we have breakup for slightly more then 2 yrs now but i still kept stop thinking of him through these times. pls advise
 


rafflesjay

New Member
Sorry to hear that. Also in the same fate as you. Perharps We love them too deeply and difficult to pull out. My case have been over for almost 8 years and I am still struck!
 

xinxin

New Member
Hi pink,

When i read your story, i can really feel for you cos i am going thru all this similar situations with you almost 8yrs ago.

Both mi n my ex dating for 5 yrs plus (then we are in early twenties) I am working shift after my graduation but still try very hard to maintain our relationship back then. But he betrayed mi with his ex and a baby came along too. I was really hurt then cos the reason he given mi was mi working in shift pattern sway our relationship. I am heartbroken! Thinking that our relationship is so fragile... Anyway, it took mi a year plus to move on with memories of us, endless nite, lonely off days etc.. Luckily, my hubby came along around a yr after the breakup. We were colleagues, n he is the same as your hubby, very honest, responsible.. hubby type. He know abt my failure in relationship so i didnt dare to agree dating with him and it really took mi few mths to try to get over my ex totally b4 i start with my hubby. Frankly speaking, i still forget him even while dating with my hubby then. Just 1-2 yrs of courtship, my hubby proposed to mi but i rejected cos i am still thinking n missing my ex.. really unfair for my hubby. All this time, my ex did tried calling mi but i avoided his call. His mum is on gd terms with mi, so she call mi n i picked hers. She is missing mi n always asking mi to visit her but it is a tactic from her to pull mi n her son tog. I know, yet i didnt go. At most, i will answer my ex's mum's call n chat.

Coincidentally, my ex happen to divorce tat b***h which i was always updated from my fellow classmates. Tats where my ex came calling mi to reconcile. I am swayed. I feel doubtful n betrayed n crude to my hubby then. Many times, i tot of agreeing to the reconcilation but i dun have the courage anymore cos a leopard never changes it spots. He might be just feeling lonely.

Finally, my hubby n mi settled down in 2005. He dote mi n give in to mi a lot. Even though, sometimes when we quarrel, i will think of my ex and on his bday, will miss him too. I am betraying my heart. Indeed, he finally gave up on mi when he heard i am married. He himself got hitched to a Msian gal n has 2 children of their own. Sometimes, happen to bump into them. So xin fu... But i will try to avoid him, yet he too.. changed a lot also.. but still charming.. Anyway, everything between my ex n mi are all over! I have to wake up n put in more effort in my marriage to appreciate my hubby more.

Dun feel unfaithful just becos we missed our ex sometimes cos is natural.And we didnt hv a affair with them. As long as we still treat our marriage in respect n honour, in my views, it shld be reasonable. Of course, if we can curb all this missing moments and tots will be better.

Good luck! Wishing you happiness n blissfulness.
 

vios

New Member
The fact is that you've moved on onto a new guy and right now, to this marriage phrase. However, a part of you couldn't let go of the breakup.. u hate his reason for the breakup, u hate his guts when he backed out of the then-proposal.... and u simply couldn't figure out those question marks in your mind.

Obviously, when u hold tightly to the memories about him, good or bad... you might be craving for his attention which has been missing since you were married? Six months?
You would like to know that this 'craving' might not reflect your true inner feelings about him... it's just another sub-phrase in your life... it's just the passing clouds.

Do understand and accept that the past memories were once part of your life, and create part of the present-You.
 

shirleypoise

New Member
It's ok to be thinking about your exes b4 marriage but after saying the vows shouldn't you be looking at him as just your ex? If you r still thinking abt him, does that mean that you were not ready to marry your husband?

Think about it. Grass always looks greener over the other side..
 
What's the use of analysing all the past details? In life, we can't find the answers to all the questions. You won't be able to find out exactly what your ex was thinking at different points in time because we are not him.

Just keep those moments in your heart as memories, and move on with your life
happy.gif
Remind yourself about your hubby's strengths/virues that convinced you to say "Yes" to his proposal!

On your anniversary, you can arrange to do the VOWS again with your hubby. This can be very sweet one hehe.
 

cuclainne

New Member
Months went by and mr j proposed to me. at that time i felt that well i would have gotten married already if not for my ex who all of sudden said that he had a change of heart. i just wanted to move on and carry on with life and have a taste of wat marrigae life is about further more mr j is a nice guy and i feel that he should be the one

seems like marriage is what you're after and it really didn't matter who to .. marriage is supposedly a lifetime commitment, not something you feel like doing just to get a taste of it ..
 

pink_sapphire

New Member
thanks for all the advice
and yes like wat vios mentioned this might just be the passing clouds
happy.gif

perhaps we r just all humans and the memory stick in us seems to work just too well

and ya can really relate to wat happened to u too sunnyday .. my ex also wanted a reconcile only after he brokeup with that lady whom he first told me that he thinks she is the one and he found the one but later told me that they r simply not compatible and she is always picking on him and he didnt seem to have such problems with me ... which makes me think at that time that the sleepless crying nights, the heart wrenching moments and the lonelineses i went through had all gone to waste. Just when i had just convinced myself that he had found the one and i will wish him happiness , there he is again coming back.
 

pink_sapphire

New Member
and during the period when we were just contacting via msn, he informed me that he had a new gf but later they broke cos her mum was didnt like him and it was creating prob with their relationship. then a while later he informed me that he got to know another nice lady whom later became his gf. these were all before my marriage. Was just thinking , is it that easy to get to like a person and that easy to fall in love .. perhaps for him.. that made me even more scared to risk being with him again. anyway if he was sincere about being together again i feel that he should have done things to show his sincerity but he didnt do anything but just ask for a reconcilation. Also i was very close to his family last time, been to his place every wkend without fail spent the whole day there in a way they have treated me like family but his family didnt make any movements of pulling us together. well all this just makes me feel even more that my hubby is a much better person and has a much better character
 

koikoi

New Member
so pink sapphire, keep ur ex as part of your growing up memory and works toward a happily ever-after with your hubby J...

the relationship with your ex, is just to help you learn to treasure your dearest ones now...
 

pink_sapphire

New Member
Hi Cuclainne

understand that marriage is a lifetime commitment i was serious about that but perhaps my perspective about finding the one definite partner had changed. think i didnt believe in knowing a person inside out and making sure that he is the one after all i had known my ex for 7 yrs and thought that i had know him very well (in fact we always kept each other updated about wat were r doing and in fact i thought that he is an honest guy and thought that were knew each other for so long that we had developed sort of a telepathy) but in the end after 7 to 8 yrs wat happened ..he told me he had a change of heart he made me feel all of a sudden that he is not the caring guy i once knew, thought at that time that he could have at least gradually put me in a situation which ensures that i can move on on my own before breaking the news to me instead of just bombing the news to me and leaving me out there in the open. i had known him for so many yrs and we had shared so many moments at least i thought that we were both a couple and also a consultant to each others daily life. if he doesnt treat me as a gf at least he could have given me the treatment of that of a gd friend.

from this experience i learnt that ppl change thus no point in really getting to know a person inside out before marriage just make sure that he possess certain qualities can already
 
after reading your story, i can strongly feel for you too as i m also in a exact situation when i just miss my ex alot eventhough i am seeing someone new now

Me and my ex been together for more than 5 years and 3 yrs ago, he proposed and we got engaged.
he is the love of my life and i am so happi then, thinking that i am going to marry someone i love so much and is looking forward to spending our lives together.

somehow, things did not go well between us , he knew i treated him very well yet he still choose to do alot of thing to hurt me and eventually he accepted the breakup after i felt so disappointed in him and proposed that with his kindda attitude to me, things cant carry on between us anymore.

2 months later, i had a new suitor and accepted him as my bf after going out 2 months later
I didnt know if i love him, just felt that i need to move on from my past and he seems like a suitable candidate
in terms of character, he is so much nicer and dote and give in to me alot. I felt that he can give me the sense of security and stability that i yearn which i never got from my ex

he proposed to me a few times but i rejected cos i knew i had not gotten over my ex completely and cant picture myself married to him yet. Not ready for any committment now

Recently, i feel that i really do not care much for my current bf and do not treat him well. I do not yearn to spend alot of time with him, like to pick on him and his habits etc

I hate myself behaving like that
I came out of a torturous relationship and god is nice enuf to give me such a womderful guy yet i cant bring myself to cherish and treasure him.

I still miss my ex alot, even sometime tell myself if i should give him another chance eventhough i knew that the chance of thing work out between us is v small.

Somehow, maybe i feel i m someone that prefer to be with someone i love rather than someone that love me eventhough both can offer a different kind of bliss .

sigh....i m feeling so unhappy
i just cant seem to really move on no matter how hard i tell myself to
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
"from this experience i learnt that ppl change thus no point in really getting to know a person inside out before marriage just make sure that he possess certain qualities can already"

not really. understanding your mate is also very important. It like saying the rice or the chicken is not important in the chicken rice. Fact is, u need all the ingredients to have your chicken rice. All are important.
 

vios

New Member
The thing with some women (and maybe, men) is that, they choose to live in the past and live for the past memories and all those needless 'what ifs'. Hey, these are histories and shld be kept at the back of the mind, but it is also impt to acknowledge that those love stories brought where you are now.... and those same people who gave you love as well as tears are having their own life now....

so, don't you want to live for the present and future, like them?
 

pink_sapphire

New Member
definitly would wanna live for the present and the future but sad to say the past creates the present and the future and cos its interlinked.. dun wanna be married 10 yrs down the road and then still tell myself the same things like how come am still thinking of him.. any ideas of how to get rid of the thought of him ? perhaps when a baby comes along i will be too occupied and busy to think of such thoughts ?
 

habe

New Member
sapphire,there's literally no way to get rid of thoughts of your ex if you allow yourself to wallow in your past relationship.
I've been once stuck in this 'ghetto' thinking that i will nvr get over my ex but i tell myself hey my past consists of many memories and events that more worthy of my thoughts, why do i choose to dwell on one such unhappy of my past?
Your thinking is kinda fast forwarding (thinking of having a baby already!), yet backward moving. why not decide on one direction you want to move and proceed? unless you are hoping of using a child as a tool just to help you get rid of your thoughts then i advise u to think twice.

Its difficult to be in control of your mind, yes, you can only will yourself to do it if you really want to do it.
 

greyarea

New Member
hi pink,
like you i also got a bf 3 months after i breakup with my ex and eventually married my hubby..it's been 10 years and i have a kid and once in a while, my ex still pops up in my mind and wondering how he's doing, is he married?? sometimes i also think of my ex-ex..so does that mean i still have feelings for them??? of course not! sometimes our mind is just a little funny and would recall all the stupid things..what i want to say, it's normal to think of your exes once in a while..the important thing is to appreciate what you're having now, focus the future and march on!! and pls dun think that having a baby will resolve this, it wouldn't.
 

miko2006

New Member
In this forum, I am more concern with Rafflesjay - hey pal, 8 years and you are still struck!!!... WHERE are you now? Sill alone...

Really gotto to treat ur self well WHEN people want to leave...they will!

Most important we have to move on with our life, We got to be responsible for ourself...No one own us anything??

AS i said i will MOVE ON in 2009, I live by my own words...Do you think settling a " timeframe " for you to move on will help???

Pls take gd care
 

habe

New Member
yeah i think Grey hit on a good point - yea sure we can think of our ex once in a while but i think more importantly is how you deal with that thought. is it just a fleeting recollection/relishing of your past, or an obsession that you feel like taking action upon.
I think of my exes sometimes say if I hear a familiar song on the radio, chancing upon some old photos, as I do with my old schoolmates/friends whom I lost contact for years, its normal.

but i think when you decide to move on and embark on a new relationship its important that you let go and stop thinking abt moving backwards - if you take them as rebound cases, as tools to help u get over, then i don't think that's fair to your current partner or even to yourself
 

simpleman

Active Member
Understanding your potential partner inside out.. and even he/she possess certain qualities that you want.. so what.. is there any guarantee that the relationship will last forever?

No. People change. circumstances change. Even people likes/dislikes change..

Certain qualities may not change.. but it does not mean that these qualities can keep the relationship going..
 

taufel

New Member
Try and keep yourself busy with things you like doing and cut off doing things which remind you of your ex. Take a break of your schedule and try and visit your family as they can provide you with a lot of support required.
http://www.chantixhome.com/
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
i don't think its about stop thinking. Rather, we focus in building a future. With time, memories will not affect us that badly anymore. We need to stop that what ifs etc and look ahead.
 

shirleypoise

New Member
It's norm to think, just dun keep thinking. Keep thinking about your ex (or anyone other than your spouse) is one of the easiest way to stray. Is that wat u want?

If your hubby is tat important to you, you should be thinking about him more, dun u think?
 

ichangeforyou

New Member
What you cant get, the more you desire. The grass is always greener. Instead of so many whatifs, you should move on and focus on strengthening your relationship and growing it. What past has past, no need to re-visit and reopen your wounds again.
 

mark78

Active Member
imho to stop thinking abt EX.
1) Stop talking about him or her.
2) Keep yourself occupied. Exercise is a good way to handle stress
3) Avoid him / No contact

i do think of my ex too. but i will avoid making myself feel miserable by giving her a call / ecard IF the results is going to make me feel sad.
 

skycloud

New Member
agree what mark78 said here. i have been gone thru a hard time to forget him after 4 mths plus. Not easy, and he always will come into my mind but now i keep reminding myself i will eventually move on and put him behind. I need to do that so..Really don't contact him and cut all the links with him will help. I tried to call him few times or msn him after break to reconcile, it reali hurt me more and nothing from that.
 

miko2006

New Member
Live life to the fullest w/o regrets...!!!

Learn to hold on to things that are DEAR
and wanna stay DEAR to us,

Let go of things that " no longer " wanna stay in our possession.

Being possessive is ONE of the worst/cruel thing U can do to yourself
 

vios

New Member
"definitly would wanna live for the present and the future but sad to say the past creates the present and the future and cos its interlinked.. dun wanna be married 10 yrs down the road and then still tell myself the same things like how come am still thinking of him.. any ideas of how to get rid of the thought of him ? perhaps when a baby comes along i will be too occupied and busy to think of such thoughts?"


Despite saying that you want to get rid of ‘him’ inside your head, I do notice that you subconsciously want to retain this particular ‘interlink’ and you have the tendency to WANT to stray into the ‘impossibilities’ – whatever happened has long gone.

I'm trying to elaborate that your life experiences (ie.past lovers, past love stories and other parts) attributed to the present pink_sapphire in many different ways. Whatever those are, retain the lessons learnt (for the valuables) and from time to time, I do think it is normal to reflect on memories (but not for the sake of ‘what ifs’ and needless questions). Honestly, I am not the least surprised if this would still be your same-old story 10 yrs down the road (with a child or not).

It’s about time to live for the present and awaiting future.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
For me, avoiding isn't really helping. Instead, its the acceptance that he/her is really not what I need and want.

I do think about my ex. But, I also remind myself the reason why I chose to move on. If possible, I would want to be friends with her still but, it takes 2 to tango. If she prefers to stop contact with me, so be it. Either way, I do not entertain myself thoughts of being with her again. I clearly know what I don't want.
 

pink_sapphire

New Member
thanks for all the advice. last night as i lay on bed looking at my husband asleep , i find myself fortunate for being able to have some1 who loves me and whom i love lying next to me every night. felt very fortunate that i was able to find some1 to share my life with despite all that horrific things that had happened to me more than 2 yrs back. found that incident very dramatic for me .. got proposed accepted propose nearly gotton married with ex then got shooed away felt like the whole world collaspsing .. i was amazed and felt fortunate that despite all these i was able to be with some1 was thinking that i should just throw all the silly thoughts out of the window wat was i thinking man when i should be just living my life happily thus from now will just think of happy thoughts and if he ever crop up in my mind again will just use a lawn mower to mow it off after all these thoughts seems to be like weeds always cropping up in places u least want them to
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
Pink_Sapphire

No offence please but you should write in proper paragraphs and use punctuation marks. Your sentence structures can use some improvement too.
 

bunny98

New Member
i broke up with my ex of 5 year + since 1 year ++ ago
i feel he is the love of my life but somehow things cant work out between us

After my ex, i kindda decided that it is very tiring to love some one, why dun i just get to be with someone who love me and enjoy the bliss out of it and can just get marry with a decent guy whom i dun mind e companionship and who love me and can provide me with the security and stability is good enuf

I tried to move on and had dated 2 man after him , one lasted 1.5 months and the other one only 2.5 months
somehow, just cant seem to have lasting new loving relationship as my interest in the new guy is always v short and i cant be committed to them and treat them well

i realise that it is afterall not so easy to be with someone whom u cant really love and together out of gratitude and companionship only

sigh...i dunno if i really can move on as i still miss my ex alot.
i lose heart in relationship now and feel that maybe it will be best for me to be alone afterall instead of hurting more people.
 

tan33a

New Member
well, i have an ex-bf of 6 yrs as well. been together since secondary school. but i broke up with him 2 yrs ago.. and i'm now married to another guy. well, i still think of my ex sometimes. not because i'm still in love with him, but more because of the memories i had with him.

u can't really forget about someone whom u used to love deeply. but what i did when i decided to marry my hubby.. i threw away EVERYTHING that reminds me of him. i didn't contact him at all. he tried to contact me after our break-up, but i changed my number. for me, i have to go that extend to really get him out of my head.

bunny,

i think wat u can do is.. stop comparing ur new bf with ur ex.. it'll help a lot.. nobody's perfect.. think about it.. there must be a reason for ur break-up with ur ex, right..? some more u guys were together for 5 yrs plus.. all i can say is, just look forward.. dun keep looking back. =)
 

natea

New Member
Pink,

I think you should move on and look forward to the future you and your hubby created, Looking backwards won't help.
 

texasholdem

New Member
some gals are damn heartless, but it's ok..like the old saying goes: u do chu yi, i do chu san shi. i will make sure the treatment will be tripled times the amount
 

tan33a

New Member
which girl is heartless?? i'm definitely not heartless.. lol. i broke up with my ex cos he was sleeping with another girl. nothing wrong with me dumping him wat. hahaha..
 

bunny98

New Member
hi lollipop

i think you did the right thing and you are indeed very courageous to dump your ex and had since found better happinness elsewhere

everyday, i tell myself keeping to the old will only block my future happinness, hope i can really move on soon
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
i dun understand why it is always perceived that the one that end a useless relationship is being brave. We often cannot imagine nor bear the hurt of ending it but SOMEHOW able to endure all the shit for yrs dragging and suffering.

When u look back at the amount of suffering you put yourself through because u aren't 'brave' enough to end it, its really foolish. Think... why do you have the courage to suffer so much shit but not end it? We often leave things as it is without considering the consequences of that action. Taking no decision and action itself is a decision with its consequences.

Why do we not see that?
 

tan33a

New Member
i didn't suffer. i broke up with him the day after i caught him in bed with another girl. lol. :p~ yippeeeeee!!
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Exactly.... so which is braver? Hard to say.

To me, its simply which is wiser rather than brave to use the head instead of the heart to make the decision.
 

tan33a

New Member
yea.. i think so la.. when handling such things.. it's time to follow ur head, not heart..

if i followed my heart, i think i'll be married to him now. lol.

oh luckily.. =)
 

onegoal

New Member
Pink Saphire, dont think so much, dont hold back so much. Go and have an affair with ur ex. U might be glad u did it.
 

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