Unsecured, must all guys flirt on Whatsapp?

[Dis_heart]

Hi,

I am a divorced woman. 3 years ago, know this man of mine and we stayed together. He is not divorced yet as he is waiting for the flat to matured (5 years), he recently just filed divorce. Within these 3 years I gave birth to one boy and one girl for him. We working in the same company. so basically, he is 24/7 by my side. He doesn't hide his phone and at times he will pass me his phone to answer some whatsapp.


few weeks ago i asked him " did you ever flirt with other ger on whatsapp and delete the chat? he told me "yes, for work purpose and he deletes cause he dunwan me to ask too much question," i asked him "y must flirt leh?"
He replied " sometimes things will get moving and this is the natural thing in me.. he loves sweet talk"


so... i downloaded his WA in my phone using some spy apps. so far i saw 2 times...


1st time - he was chatting with a female driver (our company driver) and the lady mentioned she is sick.. so my man say need him tabao for her? heng the lady say no... and lastly my man ask her " y 舍不得我huh?" the lady replied with punch... * i manage to screenshot this*


2nd time : this time with a supplier.. he asking her to help him expidite things and after done will treat her dinner.. the lady replied “ thanks in advance will help to expedite..” after this message he deleted real fast and I can’t take a screenshot of it..


The way he say “hello” on the phone to ladies is “f-king” sweet lor..


Am I over reacting? I shouldn’t in the first place get access to his Whatsapp etc? Now I hesitating should I marry him..

 

[insecure_me]

Hi,

First of all, I would suggest you have a chat with him about your insecurities and see if he addresses them. My hub was like that when I married him and now after 11 years, I’m finally divorcing him for the same reasons because he is having affair with his colleague. He behaves like this too. Send flirty messages and tell me this is how things gets done.

 

[Dis_heart]

Hi,

First of all, I would suggest you have a chat with him about your insecurities and see if he addresses them. My hub was like that when I married him and now after 11 years, I’m finally divorcing him for the same reasons because he is having affair with his colleague. He behaves like this too. Send flirty messages and tell me this is how things gets done.

i did -_-.... he told me this is "in" him.. his pattern..he say he know his limit.. i told him "u know ur limit but the ladies may not know ah".. somemore he and his wife also flirt till bed lor..

 

[insecure_me]

U

i did -_-.... he told me this is "in" him.. his pattern..he say he know his limit.. i told him "u know ur limit but the ladies may not know ah".. somemore he and his wife also flirt till bed lor..

unless you can tolerate such behaviors forever, then just close eye. But no guarantee he will stick with you forever too. A man who gives a woman insecurities is not worth it

 

[Dis_heart]

U

unless you can tolerate such behaviors forever, then just close eye. But no guarantee he will stick with you forever too. A man who gives a woman insecurities is not worth it

am asking myself can I live w/o him...

 

[Dis_heart]

Btw, I divorce my 12 yrs husband to be with this man.. my ex got anger management issue and chio nightclub..

I tot i found someone love me sincerely.. but... sob sob

 

[miloice]

You cannot determine if someone is faithful or not simply because of their flowery language and behavior. Every individual is different. A flowery personality, naturally will attract more temptations and opportunity to eat outside. However, it doesn't mean he is cheating. Now, there is no right answers, you guys are adults and should know what you are getting into. Do you accept he for who he is. This flowery character is probably what you enjoy as well, when he praise and make you top of the world.

It is what it is. You should understand yourself enough to make the judgement. If you cannot tolerate this, then, you need to get a straighter guy that doesn't flirt much at all. Then, you cannot lament that he is boring and too serious. No one is perfect. I borrow a phase from a friend's recent thought provoking FB post

"we can admire individuals for the things they excel in, but we should not disregard that they also suck in other things. an excellent sportman can be a wife-beater, an excellent mind ahead of his time can be an abusive father.
perfection is based on the value being given the spotlight, and the glasses we put on to view it."​

 

[Cath_rina]

Btw, I divorce my 12 yrs husband to be with this man.. my ex got anger management issue and chio nightclub..

I tot i found someone love me sincerely.. but... sob sob

Did you get any money from your ex?

 

[Dis_heart]

Did you get any money from your ex?

No ah.. in fact I have him my 80k cpf for him to keep our house. My kids stay there, school near, ex bil staying directly opp my unit and if need to sell my ex PIL will be upset

 

[Cath_rina]

No ah.. in fact I have him my 80k cpf for him to keep our house. My kids stay there, school near, ex bil staying directly opp my unit and if need to sell my ex PIL will be upset

Your lawyer is useless

 

[miloice]

Your lawyer is useless

You are right, he must be a local guy, that's why !

 

[Dis_heart]

You are right, he must be a local guy, that's why !

Laugh die me

 

[xinj]

@Dis_heart , I agree with @miloice
Can you accept his behaviour for the rest of your life? You have to make the decision to accept it as it is, or make the decision to cut off ties with him. If he makes you feel insecure, then you cannot be with him in the long-run. Also agree with @miloice. The guy's flowery language and flirty behaviour was probably what attracted you to him in the first place and what makes you continue staying on with him. He makes you feel fluttery on the inside, makes you excited and flattered, etc.

***The more important question: Do you want your children growing up around his man, and potentially learning from his behaviour? If you have a son, your son may learn the negative behaviour and believe it is okay to behave like that and treat women like that in future when he grows up. If you have a daughter, your daughter may grow up having trust issues, and she may also normalise such behaviour and think that it is normal that men treat her this way, and that it is normal if her future husband treats her this way.

If you cannot accept his flirty behaviour outside, then seriously consider leaving before it's too late and you just stay on because it's too late to leave.
A leopard will never change its spots. So don't try to be THE ONE he hopefully changes for.
If the guy says it's in his nature to be flirty, he is making excuses to justify his behaviour, and he is normalising his behaviour. So do you want to accept his conduct as normal or not normal? It all depends on how you want to perceive him. In my opinion, a sincere and good man would not behave or speak inappropriately with other women.

If you want to leave, please find another man who has good qualities. You need to set some standards and be discerning. Find a good man who is a good husband and good father. One who is responsible in all aspects. It works both ways. You as the woman must also be good quality and then you will attract a good quality man.

 

[miloice]

watch this video....
its really good.

Reflection on why marriages end up sexless. Much to do with how we are educated about sex since young, the differences on how parents influence us. Our expectations of our spouses to endlessly stay attracted to only us is unreal. It is against nature and the bio chemistry that creates the attraction in the brain in the first place.

 

[xinj]

watch this video....
its really good.

Reflection on why marriages end up sexless. Much to do with how we are educated about sex since young, the differences on how parents influence us. Our expectations of our spouses to endlessly stay attracted to only us is unreal. It is against nature and the bio chemistry that creates the attraction in the brain in the first place.

I'll watch that after work. Can't watch the video openly while at work.
I understand it's not realistic to only be endlessly attracted to one person. But it is a slippery slope too. Harmless flirting verbally may not leave much damage, but the real damage starts when the person your spouse is flirting with, ends up responding in a flirtatious manner too. So both parties will end up flirting more, it may become sexually-explicit or suggestive talk, and it may lead to emotional intimacy and may lead to physical intimacy. When either one party is emotionally vulnerable (ie, perhaps a woman who is feeling a bit neglected by husband, ends up receiving flirty and flattering messages from a man, she starts to feel attractive and admired, and if she's bold enough, she may reciprocate and start flirting back too, or vice versa, whichever gender initiated first and whichever gender reciprocated in return).

And if you're a man, can you accept your wife talking in a flirty manner to another man? Or is this only okay and acceptable if men do it, but women don't? ie, it's okay for an attached man to flirt, but not okay for an attached woman to flirt?

So the important question is, can everyone draw the line very clearly and stop the flirty talk if it gets too far? Can you trust your spouse to stop before proceeding further beyond harmless flirty talk? If you trust and accept that your spouse knows how to draw the line before it goes too far, okay well and good.

 

[miloice]

I'll watch that after work. Can't watch the video openly while at work.
I understand it's not realistic to only be endlessly attracted to one person. But it is a slippery slope too. Harmless flirting verbally may not leave much damage, but the real damage starts when the person your spouse is flirting with, ends up responding in a flirtatious manner too. So both parties will end up flirting more, it may become sexually-explicit or suggestive talk, and it may lead to emotional intimacy and may lead to physical intimacy. When either one party is emotionally vulnerable (ie, perhaps a woman who is feeling a bit neglected by husband, ends up receiving flirty and flattering messages from a man, she starts to feel attractive and admired, and if she's bold enough, she may reciprocate and start flirting back too, or vice versa, whichever gender initiated first and whichever gender reciprocated in return).

And if you're a man, can you accept your wife talking in a flirty manner to another man? Or is this only okay and acceptable if men do it, but women don't? ie, it's okay for an attached man to flirt, but not okay for an attached woman to flirt?

So the important question is, can everyone draw the line very clearly and stop the flirty talk if it gets too far? Can you trust your spouse to stop before proceeding further beyond harmless flirty talk? If you trust and accept that your spouse knows how to draw the line before it goes too far, okay well and good.

Temptation to cheat is always there. I never see what my wife msg. So, even if she is flirting, I wouldn't know lah except from her body language. The line is drawn by the individual than the spouse. I have went down to friend's ask for help in a club after getting tipsy. Brought her home safely. Doesn't mean I would take advantage of the situation. My buddy lady friends can trust me to be respectful. I'm a guy and would be attracted but I am well aware of my priorities. I have been to places which I wouldn't share with my wife. SPA where we wore only boxers, where girls were paraded in front of us to pick. Well, I asked for TCM to fix my shoulder issue instead. Paying about the same as my buddies that went for the girls.

Seriously, we don't need social media to cheat. There are lots of opportunities, the biz trips, alone with colleagues etc. Slippery roads are multi angle. Our guard have to be this way as well.

 

[Dis_heart]

Thanks for the msg.. cleared the air last Fri night and decide to try again.. I explain alot of my points etc and I told him i can anytime check on his WA msg and is LIVE! So we talked for 2hrs and we shall try again. He say he try to restrain on the words he use to "por" those ladies (work related). So i told him i will still check but is randomly... lol!