Unreasonable/abusive in-laws

[notdark]

I'm married for nearing 2 years (ROM'ed, going through customary this year) and recently we bought our first house. During these couple of years, my wife's parents' (my in-laws) demands started getting more and more unreasonable. It is almost till a stage that I think if we didn't do anything about it, it might affect our marriage.

My in-laws are control freaks, tend to over-dramatise even on the smallest of matters, prideful and will use threats go get things to go their way. My wife, being the only child, is constantly subjected to their verbal abuses, as much as a couple of times in a month. Intervention by me is being disrespectful and un-rightful as I am 'technically' still not their son-in-law yet. So I am supposed to just keep mum about it when they hurl abuses to my wife for an hour and not retaliate?

The latest episode revolves around a failed phone call. My wife called them a few times but the line was busy. So we decided to call them the next day but was scolded for over an hour for not "knowing how to be a person". Other matters like "why my wife refuse to give them her work bonus", "why my wife never take care of them although we did what was agreed upon with them before" were repeated over and over the hour.

I intervened and was scolded for talking back at elders. Basically talking reason is impossible with them, if they knew that they were in the wrong they will shout back at us or hurl threats like 'commiting suicide' or 'threatened to hurt us'.

Went to ask for advice in a family consulting session (just me and my wife) and they said they can do nothing much about it (as my in-laws are MYsians). The police said that a protection order is only applicable if physical hurt is done.

What should I do to remedy this situation? I don't wish for the verbal abuses to continue on and also don't wish to live everyday in fear that something will happen to us. (My FIL is known to do anything when he is in a rage)

 

[powder]

do they reside in spore?

as a son-in-law, or basically the nature of things... is to keep quiet UNLESS u need to speak. speak ONLY when u can make an impact... and dun be too quick to jump to defend or explain. this will be the way to go If u want pple to at least pay attention when u speak...

the same method extends to the office n in life... if u want pple to listen to u... speak less during norrmal times. and dun tok too much nonsense...

 

[notdark]

nope they don't reside in spore.

It is hard to talk sense with them. When they are not in the angry mood, they will say "forget everything as if nothing has happened". But when they are angry, everything else will be brought back into topic.

I only spoke up during the last episode with them, after the couple of years of watching my wife enduring their abuses. It is really hard to bear seeing your loved one being hurt like that.

Now I am branded by my in-laws of being in conspiracy with my wife in opposing them.

 

[powder]

yup u should have kept your mouth shut. i know u wanna help, but THAT is not the way... but no worries, alot of pple are Not very good with such things...

u wanna be the husband against PILs who are like that... u have to be the strong silent type, and dun talk much at all. just listen, smile, or look firm... EVERYTIME pple expect u to say something - u dun say, u dun speak... keep everyone wondering from your expression. treat it like a card game where u dun expose your expressions so easily... u do this often enough - pple will be dying to hear your opinion or see what u wanna say. such that when u Do Speak - they WILL inadvertently listen becos they have never heard u speak. BUT make an impact or u'll forever be dismissed.

singing the same tune as your wife helps Nothing. they have all the ready amunnition to counter that since it's the same tune. If u wanna open your mouth, there MUST be impact.

also bear in mind that for them to be naggy is Normal... their daughter is Inaccessible on a daily basis and the only line of communication is a phone call... so try not to miss the phone calls... else get call-waiting for the landline OR get them a mobile and line in msia... these are simple solutions to the nitty gritty problems.

learn to shut pple up on the small things by making sure u cover all those well... then on the big things, keep your mouth shut and when needed to, just tell them "consider it done" and make sure That aspect never fails again.

u want pple to listen to u... u make sure u are worth listening to. i am in a good position to tell u all these becos most pple i meet including relatives, in-laws and pple of more seniority/elderly listen to me and sometimes seek my advice even if i am 2-3 decades younger... u NEED to know how to connect.

if u're thinking that your in-laws are more difficult than the normal ones - then u're finished. u will never solve the problem... u NEED to segregate yourself from your wife as ONE MAN, her HUSBAND... and not put yourself in a position to be seen as as "THEY", "THEM". doesn't mean u and your wife dun have the same ideas, but pple have to see u as an individual and not a husband of your wife and expecting both of u to sing the same tune.

it will take awhile to get there, and it's hard to explain it very extensively... but u have to be your own man, let them see u as your own man, and when u speak - there Must be impact and pple must be willing to listen. else my solution for u is to keep quiet... u dun understand the fact that the dynamics between your wife and her parents have been in place for a long long time and u are Not to butt in.

ps: the first step to reason with unreasonable pple... is to get them into a position to listen First... else all yoru reasoning isn't headed anywhere even if u have a water-tight explanation/reasoning.

 

[notdark]

My PILs have a mobile number. One of the problems faced is that they are not willing to call my wife at all. They knew that my wife called them numerous times through the callerID, and yet they didn't return any calls. Expect us to call them again and scold my wife for not calling them early enough the following day.

 

[powder]

erm, SO?

if u wanna argue on REASON, then u dun need to ask for advice liao... since u want advice based on u being RIGHT, and they being WRONG... u're falling into the typical trap of Right/Wrong.

when u ready to handle your in-laws then u post again.

if looking for who right/wrong, then u have your answer liao.

 

[flyingstar]

hmm....i think you should just let your wife handle her own parents. does she answer back to them?

no doubt you cannot bear to see her being abused by them, but frankly there's nothing you can do because they are her parents. if she scolds them back, then she will be regarded as unfilial. if you say them, they will say you are disrespectful. there's no correct way to handle this...

i think the good thing is that they are in m'sia and you are in singapore, so probably all the abuse are verbal and non-physical. just take it they need an outlet for their verbal diarrhoea and then it will be over...

 

[notdark]

@powder: I'm not arguing on reason or who being in the right or wrong. I apologised to my PILs for things which I said which might be hurtful to them. Most of the time I'm saying things like "FIL, please calm down so we can solve the matter together", and I get shut down by my PILs saying that I'm disrespectful for not listening to what they say/want.

Like what flyingstar said, there is really no correct way of handling this. Whenever there is a quarrel, it is always both sides who build up to it. It takes two hands to clap.

What I am asking for is advice on how to bring forth my hand to meet the other hand to re-coincide this matter. As to keeping mum, I find that over the past 2 years I've been doing that, till a stage that my PILs used it against me by saying "I know that you don't like us cuz you always don't talk much to us or only smile when we talk."

@flyingstar

Yep she answered back to them. She will be scolded unfilial. Sometimes she don't and just keep quiet, and get scolded for not responding.

Sometimes I think how can we lessen this abuse? It is really disheartening to witness all these happening and I the only thing which I can do is to console my wife after every episode.

 

[thommy]

I think there's nothing much that u can do since they are so downright unreasonable...talking sense with them is like playing the violin to a bull.

just accept that u've got in-laws from hell, that's all.

 

[simpleman]

Of course, the other method is to just ignore what they are saying.. as long as they are not physical abusive.. it is not going to hurt too much if we just turn a deaf ear

You can't do much except that possibly your wife can consider not to see them and walk away when they are abusive...

 

[powder]

so in the Absence of all reason... just ignore. let your wife handle them and soothe her after that.

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi notdark,

When I was young, I was very naive. My mum said other than the normal pocket money I gave to her every month, she suggested she would help to safe keep the rest of my salary when I started working.

So without fail, after I started working, I would pass all my salary except for a few hundreds for my own food and transport. This went for many years and my mum had accumulated massive savings.

However every time, we had some quarrel, my mum would threaten and said she will not leave a single cent to me.

When my hubby and I decided to get married and buy a house, my hubby was surprised that I don't have any savings at all. All my savings were with my mum and she said she would only pass it back to me if she died. No money for me if I make her angry.

Luckily, my hubby was quite traditional and didn't mind paying for everything and even gave me monthly allowance.

But after marriage and moving out of my mum's house, it was a relief. I'm no longer living under her rule, always fearing of making her angry.

I'm partly to blame because I never stood up to my mum although she's unreasonable at times. Now I only gave her her monthly allowance, the rest of my salary, I insisted on saving myself.

Now if she threatens me with money, I told her she can keep it, I don't want it. If she continues to scream, I will still smile nicely and say my good-byes to her but I will not visit her or call her for the next 2 weeks.

It works. My mum will be her normal self again and will visit me at my house. She bought lunch for me when she visited me. It's her way of saying sorry. For my part, I will not bring out the quarrel incident and treat her real nice.

But if she goes back to her dowager temper again, I will ignore her again.

 

[notdark]

@thommy: Yeah haiz.

@simpleman, powder: Yep I'm keeping quiet and soothe my wife after all the incidents

@Albee: If only my in-laws are like your mum. It will be much easier.

Some updates after the telephone episode. It has not ended yet, over the past 2 days we were subjected to their verbal abuses again. Though my wife tried her best to put down the phone, she got threatened that if she hang up on them they will create some trouble at her work place.

Yesterday night they kept insisting/forcing us to get a lawyer to draft out a contract stating that we will take care of them (shift them over to SG) when they are bedridden/sick, gave them allowances (which we are already giving every month for the past 2 years), visit them. Being given little choice and not wishing to escalate the matter to a big quarrel we agreed.

Tonight the abuse continued as they said we are not filial by saying that once we agreed to signing the contract, we are not performing the duties as the younger generation. And we got blamed for suggesting doing the contract (which we are don't) in the first place.

My wife now is living in fear everyday as she is afraid of her parents coming over to harm her/create trouble at our home/workplace. Sigh.

 

[moistfaucet]

old people basically know nothing about anything.

i feel sorry for them try to teach us even themself have many problem

the always claim, we are older, better, wiser and more experienced bla2...

they don't know age and experienced do not determine your wisdom.

evidence : look who make the decision in this world ? until our world become like this ?

stupid.

 

[flyingstar]

looks like your in-laws are very insecure people.

i think probably it's because your wife is in a different country from them so they are paranoid that you will forget about them.

hm...do you go back often to see them? like once a week? buy food for them? have a meal with them?if you do not, then can start trying...and see whether it helps improve the situation.

anyway if your in-laws are retirees they will probably have all the time in their hands to think and get paranoid. and worse, if they talk to their friends and hear about horror stories where children abandon their parents...blah blah.

i think instead of standing up to them, shower them with love. maybe they are the type who prefer to be pacified rather than be hard on them.

 

[notdark]

@flyingstar

Yep they are very very insecure people. Even agreements stated in black and white they are skeptical about it. This doesn't just happen when my wife shift to SG. They were like that since she was young (before I met her) till now.

One previous episode was during when she was working back in their country and was still living with them. Out of the blue they turned up at her workplace during work hours, scolded/humiliated/slapped her in front of her colleagues and dragged her back home out of the reason "We suspect our daughter has ill-intentions about us so we act first".

We visit them once every 2 weeks (same with my own parents). Yep we bought food and went out on meals with them. Yes my in-laws are retirees, my FIL actually wanted to continue to work but my MIL forbid him to. He wanted to go out kopitiam meet his friends but got forbidden. Thus most of the time they are at home. From what I heard from my wife that my MIL forced my FIL to quit his job due to "suspecting that he flirts with another girl outside", which I personally don't think my FIL would do at all.

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi notdark,

I think your wife should stand up for herself. She is financially independent, not living under her mum's house. Why does she fear an old lady?

If MIL is good at screamimg, I'm sure your wife can say bye-bye and walk away.

If MIL comes to her work place to scream and slap, your wife can walk away to another room and call the security for help.

If MIL comes to your house to scream, if you live in condo, ask security for help. Otherwise, just deposit her outside and lock the door or you can lock up your house and run away to stay in a hotel for a night for some peace and quiet.

Believe me. I did all this in a calm manner, no shouting from my part. My mum had tone down her controlling ways over the years and now we have a good relationship and even stayed with us.

If she forgots and exhibits her dowager temper again, Out she goes. I believe in true filial piety , not stupid filial piety.

 

[ariebeth]

I completely agree with Albee 100%.

There is a huge difference between filial piety and blind obedience.

The reason they continue to be such tyrants is because your wife is a complete pushover. Until she learns how to stand up to them, you will always have this problem (and like Albee said, you can do this in a calm and polite manner, you should never be rude).

Scared this scared that, got use meh? Say what you mean and mean what you say. Don't agree to do things that you are not willing to do (sorry to be frank, but giving in to their demands for a lawyer's letter is stupid). Unless you 2 remain firm and stand your ground, they will continue to take advantage of the 2 of you (and you deserve it too).

 

[lovingyou]

notdark: Ur wife is a grown-up, she is no longer a little gal who can be controlled. Stand up for herself, the parents, esp her mum need to be "taught" that this is not the right way to teach and demand "filial piety".

 

[notdark]

Thanks all for the feedback and suggestions.

Over the past weekend my in-laws wanted to talk terms. Seems like a 'compromise' had been reached? I'm doubtful about it. In the end my wife have to give them 25% of her yearly bonus extra as (emergency 'medical' fee) on top of bringing them to a government hospital and footing the medical bill.

The reason? My in-laws said that bringing them to government hospital for treatment is like 'bringing pigs and cows to a slaughterhouse'. They will lose face in front of others if it is not a private hospital. Hence they want the entire bonus from my wife. After much arguing and some giving in, it is settled at 25%.

Interesting fact during the 'discussion' is they brought out alot of documents stating how much they spent on their daughter, how much exactly they paid for her education, transport fees, medical fees etc, including the land sale agreement my in-laws got cheated out of from their relatives (They claimed they got cheated is due to my wife asking one of her uncles to be a guarantor for a scholarship). They used all these as a basis to support their argument, that they deserved the care from their daughter, and of course never failed to mention their entitlement of all her income.

Now the things my wife promised currently stands at:

1) 800SGD allowance per month to them
2) Paying for their car installment
3) 25% of annual bonus due to them
4) must foot 100% of their medical bill (in govt hx)
5) hire someone to drive them, cook, clean house when they are bedridden
6) bring the other one over to SG when one died.
7) visit them once every 2weeks
8) call them everyday

All these 'terms' they want us to write down, sign and hand over to them the next time we go over... And they cannot even promise not to shout/threaten over the phone nor promise not to create any trouble.

This will be the last time we step back. The moment they twist their words again I wun hesitate to call the police. Sigh.

 

[lovingyou]

Hmm... can't imagine a parent behaving in such a manner...

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi,

I think calling the police is a bit drastic.

Maybe your wife and you can disappear for a little holiday if they go overboard.

Who can they nag, if your wife is not around?
Hope they can learn to be smarter.

 

[lovingyou]

Hmm... how to keep going on holidays? More expenses are incurred in a way...

 

[notdark]

@Albee

Yeah. Guess that will be the last resort. What we can do now is to stop contacting them if they 'emo' again over the phone.

What I don't understand is the method my in-laws chose to get what they want is to create a big fuss, threaten and scold. If they are good to us we will be good to them too. How to respect a person when the only thing they do is make you scared and cannot sleep properly over a few nights every once a month?

 

[lovingyou]

hmm... something to do with how their parents'teach them from young?

 

[flyingstar]

huh?! when i saw their "terms and conditions" i feel so incredulous.

this kind of thing need to do document down one meh?

does any of your wife's relatives know how ridiculous they are? anyone who is on your wife's side and can talk to them?

hmm...if my parents did that i think it will really hit my breaking point.

 

[peegs]

just curious.. will such a document enable them legal reprieve in the event of violation of the terms agreed?

 

[notdark]

@flystar:

Nope there is no one that could talk to them, nor they talk much to their relatives too. What I heard from my wife is that they visit their relatives only to borrow money, and would create a big scene when the relatives refused. Cuz they said they were entitled to the inheritance.

 

[2tall]

Hi notdark.
I'm sorry to hear about your wife and your situation.
I had met people like this b4, hope my suggestions are helpful.

I was once told that, no matter how big/ huge a fire is, it will eventually burnt off on its own. So maybe, just "arr, orr" them? Let them cool the fire they built?

If its possible, do not allow yourself to "follow" their whimps. Once in it, you guys are pretty much at the same level as them. Which means no signing of any "paper" or giving in to any of their "wishes"....

It will not be easy. I agreed with Albee. Your wife has been "encouraging" them for a long long time. Your in-laws will view this as a form of rebel and they WILL point their finger at you.

When I 1st got married, my mom and hubby are always at each others' neck too. Till I "hint" to both that, as long as you do your duties well, whatever was said will never matter. 11 years down the road, they had never fight again...

Remember that, those mouth belongs to them. They can say, threaten, haul abusive, whenever they wanted to. The eyes belongs to them too, if they choose to always look into both of your "bad" side, then let them be.

I hope I have been helpful....

 

[elizann]

Hi Albee and notdark,

my mum is also like that!! And I can foresee my mum behaving somewhat like notdark's in laws cos she is as insecure, emotional and unreasonable as them.

Notdark - I have the same fear as your wife - that my mum will harm my future hubby cos of her behaviour. And worst, she is often influenced and instigated by her sister who behaves just like her.

=(

 

[elizann]

Albee, I am still living with my mum, and very often I wish I could get married straightaway cos of my mum's behaviour.

Since young, my mum disallowed me to have friends, and she often criticised my friends. My mum lives the life of a recluse and she does not have friends. she trusts only her sister and other siblings though they do not treat her well. She always tells me not to trust pple. Till today, she still throws tantrum at me when i go out with friends and she always accuses me of being unfillial whenever I spend time with friends or bf. she wants me to only spend time with her.

I am glad you finally married and move out. I am glad you managed to do that. I am an only child and may have to have my future hubby stay with my mum and me, which I want to avoid since I want to be free from my mum as she still controls me till today. I may have no choice but to have my mum stay with my future hubby and me as my aunt keeps pressuring me to have my mum stay with my future hubby whenever she sees me and my bf =(

 

[worldangel]

Hi,

I am actually notdark's wife. He has been telling me about this thread and therefore, I decided to come in to take a look.

Eliz, I can only say that I empathize with you. Your situation is really identical to mine, in fact I seem to have found my mirror image in your story. My mother has always tried to prevent me from having friends; there was once she even criticized my friends in front of them.

As about staying on your own, I can only say make your stand and stick to it. Heck care your aunt since who is she to pressurize you into staying with your mom if you do not wish to do so? After all, you are now a grown-up and has the right to make your own decision. Staying on your own with your husband does not equal unfilial as they are many other ways to make sure that they are taken care of.

As for my own situation, today my parents kicked up a fuss again. I believe their ultimate motive is to move in and stay with me, which I definitely do not want and is against their former agreement with me. So I am going to fight nail and tooth for this right and freedom of mine...in fact, they have been threatening to come and injure me by coming to my house and my workplace but today, I finally had the courage to tell them to bring it on. Once they do, I will alert the police immediately and break off all ties with them already.

Hopefully they will learn to back off and appreciate what they have.

 

[mewmoon]

@moonprincess: I wish you the very best of luck. It's unfortunate when parents choose to make things difficult for their children whether they are justified or not.

But anyways, it's good that you stood up to them.

 

[elizann]

Hi moonprincess,

w/o my bf, I would have gone insane already with my mum's emotional abuse. I can be happy one moment and the next moment I can be on the brink of tears with her very hurtful words and assumptions. My bf (and God - not trying to be religious here, but it is true) has been the pillar of my life. That is why I can't wait to get married. My mum told me that she sees it as her responsibility to control me, and she will only stop controlling me when I get married. So, I dun't have freedom. Really....even now when I come home at 11pm at night she'll make one whole hell of noise that the only thing I wanna do is to leave the house again. My mum is so unreasonable that when I cry and tell her that her accusations and words are pushing me away from her, she accuses me of threatening her. I tell her I am not threatening her but just telling her that she is making me feel more and more alienated from her. But she wun listen.

Today I am suffering the effects of her forcing me not to have friends. When I was young, she forbade me from going out with friends and forbade me from going on school trips. As a result, I am now suffering with very few friends, and other then my bf, I do not have close freinds. At the age of 32, it is too late to have close and good friends. But my mum does not care, and when I go out with friends, she says that she is sure they'll put drugs in my bag, or do evil stuff with me. sigh.

I really empathise and feel for you. I can't understand how some parents can't see how they are hurting us by behaving like that. I have prayed for you. I hope you and notdark will have peace and that your parents will not come and cause trouble.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Eliz, why are you waiting another five years to get married to your bf? At first I thought you were only 18-20.

 

[elizann]

cos I am not financially dependent yet. my bf is offering to pay for the entire wedding and our house, but my mum insists that I foot part of the bill. so my bf has agreed to wait till I am more financially stable. my mum keeps saying that I am feeding off my bf since he pays for most things (he is richer and I am not a rich gal) and it really hurts me. so I am now saving for my wedding. but of cuz if I can save more we will marry earlier. 5 years is the longest to wait.

 

[worldangel]

Hmm, I am curious...do you mean you do not have a stable job? Then why not find one?

Mine is the opposite case, my mom was not happy I have to foot part of the bill for my wedding and banquet...she feels that the groom and his family should pay for everything...

 

[simpleman]

Eliz,

You are already 32? And still want to wait 5 years to save up money? This is not a problem in itself but for the fact that the reason is because you mom insists that you foot part of the bill? I don't understand this. Why you need to listen to your mom. How you foot the bill, do you have to tell her?

Your mother is just making things difficult for you and you are allowing her to.

If you bf is able to pay for most of the wedding, I see no reason to "delay" the marriage just to "save money" to please your mother.

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi Eliz and moonprincess,

My Mum was very reluctant to see me get married as I was the one who cared for her the most.

I reasoned with her that I can remain single and stay by her side always but if she is no longer around, can she bears to see me die alone in the house? She was speechless and thus agreed to let me marry.

My hubby is a really kind person and doesn't mind my mum moving in with us. She has mellowed in age and doesn't exhibit dowager temper that often now. I do want to take care of her forever because I feel it isn't safe for an elderly to live alone.

One thing I make sure is to never let my hubby handle my own mum. This is to avoid conflict.
We, each handle our own mums, so that our spouse will never "suffer" in that sense.

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi,

Any way, there is a happy ending in the above story.

My mum is happily living with us and has been getting along well with us and our kids.

Additional bonus : My kids can speak better mandarin. My hubby and I can also go on romantic night dates more often as my mum can keep an eye on the maid and kids.

My mum is also happy that she gets to live with us. She can go shopping, exercise, watch TV and play with her grandchildren all day and doesn't have to do house work and has a maid at her beck and call.

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi moonprincess,

Actually, I discourage elderly to live alone in the house, so I can understand why they want to move in with you.

If elderly suffer stroke or heart attack in the middle of the night, someone needs to send them to hospital immediately. Life or death within minutes, every min counts.

But that doesn't mean your parents can emotionally abuse you. If they want to live with you, they must agree to your House Rules. This is to ensure a harmonious family.

My mum certainly "learns" over the years. She realised that we are real nice to her, only if she is reasonable.

 

[worldangel]

Yes, I understand there are pros when they come and live with us but after living with her for nearly 20 years (when I was younger), I have had enough of her tyrannical and controlling ways. I really do not wish to stay together with them after suffering through years of physical and emotional abuse. And once they move in, it will be difficult to make them move out again if they happens to refuse to follow the house rules.

I think they have done too many things to me to cause me to not be able to forgive them fully. Or rather, I find it hard to forget and just pretend nothing has ever happened. So I would rather stay away from them. But that does not mean I would shirk my responsibilities as a daughter...I would definitely get someone to take care of them when one of them is certified terminally ill.

 

[miloice]

One needs to be firm and take tough decisions. DO NOT GIVE IN TO RIDICULOUS DEMANDS.

One can be reassuring the folks without being led by the nose. What they are demanding is totally ridiculous, the more you give in the more it encourage them to demand believing it is the way to get the most out of you. You cannot do much about their upbringing nor character. But you can stop being an easy victim for their bullying.

Still visit and spend time with them. Be prepared to be verbally abused but DO NOT GIVE IN.

 

[worldangel]

I am now being verbally abused every night. Enough said.

 

[miloice]

you live for yourself not them. If you do not stand firm, no one can help you. Its also unfair to your partner. He is in no position to handle your folks. You have to be firm with them.

 

[worldangel]

Yes, right now I am standing firm and definitely not giving in. And that's the reason why I am being verbally abused every night. Sometimes I wonder why I still bother to give them a call every night. But I guess that's what I have promised them and I am someone who does not back out on my promises once I have made them.

 

[miloice]

Personally, I never believe in promises. Its stupid. The environment is totally dynamic, why make commitments you know you cannot possibly be sure to commit to??

No matter how my mum pushes me to commit, I do not make such commitments. When reality finally sits in and they realize it aren't working, only then, will they stop demanding. It doesn't mean ignoring them. Each time, whatever they demand, try to understand the rationale behind them and learn to negotiate. Balancing the power is essential for effective negotiation. As long as you remain in a disadvantaged position, its going to be very hard for you. You have been allowing them to squeeze you to a corner all these while.

 

[worldangel]

Hmm so what do you suggest that I should do? Stop calling them totally?

 

[miloice]

Call them still. But do so when you can. When you cannot, carry on with your life. Set that expectation for them. They need to be realistic, as long as you continue to give in, they do not see what kind of inconvenience it causes you. Let them realize you have a life to live yourself.

 

[thommy]

"At the age of 32, it is too late to have close and good friends."

Eliz, it's never too late to make new friends.

At your age, you ain't no spring chicken anymore. By the time you wait for another 5yrs to get married, you may be in the high risk group when you want to have a baby. Think about it.

If you don't tell your mum who's footing the bill, how would she know? Don't tell me she controls your bf's account as well?