Unhappy in 1st yr of marriage

[unhappystar]

Hi all, I am a newly wed. things hasnt gone my way. we r constantly quarrelling and havent got a day of peace. when we r at peace, means we are all engaged in our own stuff, or rather he busy doing his things, and treat me as if i m invisible?? I feel that i am staying in a rental flat. anyone has similar experience??

 

[miloice]

"things hasnt gone my way"
maybe... this is part of the reason why....
u r expecting things to go your way. Look at the situation and the people involved. Not at your own expectations only. Probably, your partner is contributing to the conflicts too.

Do you want to improve things? Take steps back and try to rationalize and understand each other pov. Its about give and take, growing together.

 

[sleepwalker]

in my opinion, first 3 years of marriage is usually quite vulnerable.. now that u are sharing your life with someone else, give and take.. dun end up quarreling everyday and both parties feel sick of the marriage and want out. dun wait till it's too late then regret..

 

[texasholdem]

what matters do you quarrel about?

 

[blingbride]

TS,

Was yours a love or arranged marriage, how was your relationship before marriage and how different is it now? When did you start sensing the change and is it caused by one party or both drifting away, if so, what's the reason? Workstress? Financial difficulty? Infidelity? There are so many questions to ask yourself in this situation.. You may have been too engrossed in the problems going on now and forgotten to trace back and detect where the root is.. It would help if you could do this first... Perhaps, when you have found some answers and get more elaborate here, the 'gurus' may offer some ideas/advices/opinions...

 

[miloice]

Normally, it has to do with getting over the honeymoon period. Not sure if its the case for TS.

 

[lovingyou]

Pearl: How long are u married? How long was the courtship before the walking down of the aisle? Living together is a total new thing, compromising is the keyword. Don't expect a different individual to have the exact living style like you do...

 

[unhappystar]

Hi all, thanks for ur advice. our rs was so good during courtship, have to meet each other every other day, super sticky gluey. However, i have got this feeling that, he has grown tired of me, seeing me everyday at home. Absolutely no spice, no surprise in our life. He hates my nagging and i hate him too for always comparing our level of workstress, the amount of money and effort that we both put in towards the maintenance of our flat. Do men always have this feeling that they always contribute more than us?? I just want some recognition for the effort that i have put in for our home. But in his eyes, whatever i do, its simply not enough. why?

 

[lovingyou]

Jade: It takes both to keep a marriage going. Appreciation is the keyword at times... U mention that he hates your nagging, what have u been nagging him at? You are feeling this way, but he might not know, and vice versa, jus like how you might not know what he is truly feeling as well... U got the feeling = doesn't mean that it is the truth. Don't assume and imagine, it will simply worsen the r/s, find a chance to speak to your HB... don't get defensive though, hear him out... the main objective is to resolving the issues and building a good marriage ahead...

 

[elizann]

Hi Jade,

First, congratulations on your marriage. =)

Do pardon me if my words are going to sound harsh and direct, but I would like you to give some thought to what I am going to say. It is all done in good faith =)

Jade, it is very important that you separate fact and truth from assumptions and feelings.Is the latest post today at 3.49pm all your own thinking? Listen to what littlewoman has said. She is very right.

Jade, I want you to forget all the sweet, romantic stuff that both of you did during the courtship. The moment the both of you live together as a married couple, the courtship between a bf and a gf ends and a total new world as a married couple begins. Life as a dating couple and as a married couple are two different things. Like what littlewoman said again, living together is a total new thing. Now you are a wife. No longer just a gf. You are now responsible for one half of a life together with your husband. So you have new responsibilities, and you have to work together with your husband, to create a strong and loving marriage.

Jade, is recognition for your effort so important? Jade, just like a mother never asks her children for recognition for her effort, a wife should never ask her husband for recognition for her effort. What kind of recognition do you want? A trophy? A thank you speech? Or are you actually talking about you wanting your hubby to show appreciation? If so, what kind of appreciation? It is reasonable to want your hubby to show appreciation, but it is very important that we be reasonable about the kind of appreciation we want. Are you talking about small gestures of appreciation, like a goodnight kiss, a hug at the door before he leaves for work, or a call to ask you what you would like for dinner? Or are you talking more than that? Jade, recognition and appreciation are two different things. And, while it is reasonable to want appreciation, it should not be something on our 'demand' list. That is, while we like to be appreciated, we should see it as a bonus, rather then something we think we should have. A mother does not demand or expect appreciation from her kids, but she will love it if her kids show her appreciation. Same here, Jade. Think about it....our mothers never asked for recognition and appreciation, so, should we do the same for our hubbies? Jade, learn to give and take in a relationship. For me, I always believe that I should give all of myself in a relationship, and never ask for anything back. Never. Cos, once I do that, I start to have expectations, and that could lead to something unhealthy.

Jade, it is very important to have a positive mindset. Has he told you that he has grown tired of you and that he hates your nagging, etc? Think. If you are assuming all these which lead to your posting at 3.49pm, then, you have to watch your thoughts, and try to think more positively. Do not use the word hate. You know, it is when we use negative words like hate, we are already having a negative thinking. Not very healthy.

Empathy is very important in a marriage. Try to put yourself in your hubby's shoes and see his life with you from his eyes. Try to picture this, plus the conversations you had with him and the things you or he did, and it will help you understand him better.

 

[duh]

Eliz, how i wish my spouse hang around with people more like you rather than those she met at pubs.

Jade, my marriage is crumbling...and i believe it started because of similar problems in communicating with each other. Nip the problem in the bud before it's too late.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ccJeRh_UzI&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GuMZ73mT5zM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cwBKIQ__q7Q&feature=related

 

[puppylover]

hi Jade, the problems you mentioned sound exactly like some of what I've just read in the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" (thanks to kind recommendation from some forumers).. you have to read it to know what I mean.. it might be helpful. It certainly helped me..

 

[blingbride]

That was a great link you pasted Duh, I was laughing till I teared.. Very true and helpful.. Haha

 

[duh]

Lya, you can download the entire version if you know where to look *wink*, or you could buy the DVD online. It was eye opening for me, and too bad, i couldn't get my wife to watch it with me now.

 

[blingbride]

You think 'that woman' will have you in mind when watching that video? She would probably use that as a tool for her to get the other man around.. Best option for you, get her out of your life and kindly carry on with a better life without her.

 

[lovingyou]

Most of the martial problems arose due to the lack of communication... Dun let it be a stone that we can't cross, it will leads to more and more issues...

 

[blueberrytea]

i think expectation change after marriage.

anyway, i've gone through that same stage (it took near to 3 yrs before everything was more settled).

try to make some conversation?

send email.
always be encouraging.

 

[glamour83]

hi jade,

i am in the same boat as you. we've only been married less than 4 months and ever since we got married, the quarrels came out much more often. For your info, we've dated 7-8 years before getting married. i believe this timeframe should be very ample for us to get to know each other well enough. and we have also tried living together in short periods of time before the wedding.

all i can say is, expectations do change. and i cannot help but admit that most men's attitude change after marriage. it is slowly, but surely. you may pm me if you like, and we can share more together =)

 

[unhappystar]

Hi all, thanks for your kind words of advice.

Eliz, have read thru what you have written. I understand what you are trying to bring across. Of course, i dont expect appreciation like a trophy or jewellery or rewards of any form. Like what you said, I just want some little gestures like a hug when he comes back, a peck before we go to bed, thats all i ask for, is that too much? I dont think so. i dont even expect him to say thank you when i do things for him. But i do hope that he can show some appreciation out of his own initiative, small little gestures that doesnt cost anything. I just want to feel that i am doing things that make me feel like i am a wife and not a maid. But apparently he doesnt feel that way. For eg, I cook something and food gets burnt and stuck in the pot, instead of solving the problem on his own, or thanking me for cooking for him, he shouted for me just to walk to the kitchen to see the mess i created. its so silly right. why does he always have to find fault with me?Maybe i might be petty, but i think he isnt too gracious either.

Hi glamour, your settings doesnt allow me to pm you.

 

[christmas_bride]

Hi Jade,

Would you like to pm me? Hope i can help in some way.

 

[whereto]

I guess a lot of us here had a wonderful bf, but not an ideal husband.

 

[ginasjm]

Hi Jade

I agree with you. A kiss and a hug is all is needed to keep the affection going.

I am already very upset when I burnt the food. It will be worse off if my hubby were to shout at me. Of course he din do that to me. Usually I will want to throw away the burnt stuff, but he will re-assess to see if it's edible cos he dun like to waste food. Give yourself more time and practice cooking. It is a long way and you will get there.

But being a very manipulative woman and a petty one which my hubby always say so, i will not cook for my hubby until im pacified if he dare to shout at me cos there's no reason for him to behave in that manner. Its very ungentleman.Ask him to get stuffed and buy out. He has to realise his wife is not his mama.

Even though I lived on my own before I met my hubby, seriously I know nuts about cooking cos usually i cook for my own consumption. I like to cook using water cos i hate cleaning and also i forgot to learnt from my mum before i left home. After we lived together, i learnt alot to be a housewife basically. But i already pre-alerted him that im not like his mum, i can't be so good in everything. He told me he did not marry me for my housewife skills.

You may want to establish some living fundamentals with your hubby to know each other expectations and share the household chores. Communication is very important.

 

[mewmoon]

Hi Jade, does your hb know about your unhappiness? Have you communicated to him that you dislike him shouting at you when your cooking gets burnt? He could be acting in that negative manner coz he got tired of your nagging and wants to 'bao chou' so to speak OR he is simply stressed out at work and wants somewhere to vent. Negativity begets negativity in the household after all.

 

[glamour83]

hi jade, i tried to pm you but can't as well. you can email me at [email protected] and we can have a chat. i'm facing similar problems like you so we should be able to relate.

 

[elizann]

Hi Jade,

Gestures of appreciation are definetely not too much to ask for. From experience, guys usually think very little of gestures of appreciation. I had to "train" my bf to show the correct gestures of appreciation, cos guys and gals really think differently in this area. For eg, when I cook for my bf, he thinks that just appearing at the dining table is already showing appreciation. And to him, this is adequate. But to a woman, this may not be enough. A woman may want him to say thank you, or give a kiss, etc. That is why I do not expect appreciation from my bf though I would love it if he gives me a thank you kiss. Cos guys show appreciation differently so if I am going to expect, I may get disappointed if it is not the appreciation I want. So I rather not expect. So it will be good to have a good talk with your husband on this aspect. Communicate how you would love to be appreciated. Hear what he says.

Jade, from experience, I have learnt that when my bf shouts at me for things like making the kitchen messy, or for spoiling his clothes when ironing it, he is not shouting at me, but reacting to the situation. Guys instinct is usually to react to the situation as it is, without regard for the feelings of others. That is why we can see men behaving like nothing happened just mins or hours later after having shouting or done something to upset the wife/gf. Jade, you are the woman your hubby loves most. Just few months of marriage can't be changing his heart. So, the shouting can't be because he dislikes you or wanna hurt you. He is shouting in reaction to the mess, and not because he wanna find fault with you or even bully you. When my bf shouts, I let him be. But it don't mean I let him off, of cuz. So when I see him in a better mood, I'll tell him that I know he shouts cos he is reacting to the situation and his emotions. But he should remember that a human (me) is involved. So, Jade, the next time your hubby shouts at you, tell him the same: you know he is shouting in reaction to the mess cos he dun like it. But he should not be hurting the feelings of the woman he loves most (you) at the same time.

try this, Jade, and see his reaction. Sometimes men need to be reminded that they are reacting to humans + situation, and not just the situation.

 

[elizann]

Hi Duh,

I am really sad to hear of your situation. Be brave....I have seen many gals and guys single handedly destroying healthy marriages because of their distrust, unfaithfulness, etc. B strong.

Hi AvacadoAddict,

I really admire you working so hard to learn to be a housewife. Not many modern woman would do that. You deserve a big pat on your back!!! I do not know how to cook a proper meal (chinese style rice with dishes type), I can't even hold a needle well...you are my role model to learn from

Hi Junie,

Glad to see u hear. Hey....hope everything is gg well with u!!

 

[sgbabydoll]

I did not shout at the helper for ruining my favourite skirt and newly bought dress during wash; I did not utter a word when my ex-husband burned a hole on my favourite skirt during ironing. I am responsible for my own things and they were merely lending a hand doing certain things for me from time to time.

So I definitely do not accept being shouted at if I accidentally ruin my partner's clothes while ironing or washing it. The same goes with whipping up a meal not to his taste. I will offer an apology for the mess I create. I don't care if he is just frustrated at the mess, me or whatsoever. No shouting over something so minor as a meal which can be settled at a coffeeshop or a piece of clothings among the many that he owns.

There should be mutual respect and tolerance in a relationship.

What is the point of being a dutiful wife or great gf and lose yourself in the process? A guy who genuinely cares would not want to see you so shortchanged.

 

[ginasjm]

Totally agreed with Doll esp on respect and tolerance aspect in a relationship.

Hi Eliz

Thanks for your kind words. Tell you a secret, being housewife is cos i'm stuck at home with my unborn baby and I'm still studying.

i learnt to appreciate the season in my life. It's all good.Nevertheless, i took the opportunity to learn new life skills. It is so tough cooking chinese cos we're using induction plate. Western is so much easier. Check this webby if ya interested, http://www.exclusivelyfood.com.au/2006/10/chicken-casserole-recipe.html

It takes a long way, but thank God my hubby has been very tolerant and supportive throughout my 'L-plate' period. It was crap when i first got pregnant cos my taste bud is so weird, everything taste weird and i was so upset and keep wanting to dump food which i deemed inedible. Now im on 'P-plate' cos I longer sweat over cooking for my in-laws. I hope to cook for my parents soon but cos im in overseas now, i will have to wait.

One thing i would like to add, my personal take is how a man treats his wife comes alot from his family values especially from the dad's. I observed that my hubby takes alot from his father whom is a very protective and loving hubby to my mother-in-law. They have been married for 37 years and are still so loving and kind to each other. His wife always come first and i heard from hubby, this is how his grandpa treated his grandno.

My brother does takes a bit of both from my parents and me.
Just a personal view.

 

[elizann]

Hi AvacadoAddict,

congrats, u are gg to be a mum soon!! Wow....37 years...ur in laws are very blessed and I really hope my marriage will last that long too!!

Thanks for the url!! Cooking Chinese food is really tough. But good to learn new life skills

yes, I agree wif u and Doll on mutual respect and tolerance. My bf genuinely cares for me and he respects me alot. But on my side I try to empathise with him and my threshold for tolerance is v high.

 

[ginasjm]

Hi Eliz

Thanks for your best wishes

Im very excited

Yes, you will have it, trust God. My hubby's grandparents marriage lasted 57 years and it's not the numbers that count, his grandparents were so loving till the end that his grandpa sneak out to feed his wife chocolate everyday in the nursing home until he passed away then his wife died 3 weeks later.

No worries on the url, try their baking, its simple and tasty (almost like Famous Amos) haha... Starting is always tough, but dun give up.

you will get there.

Good to hear you and your boyfriend respect each other, i personally think that's one of the most important ingredient in any relationship

God bless, cheers.

 

[elizann]

Hi AvocadoAddict,

Thanks alot for ur blessings!!

seeing ur inlaws and ur grandparent in law's marriage really makes me positive and excited about marriage!! Ur hubby's grandpa was really sweet and dedicated.

Yes, starting is always tough but the fruits of labour are always sweet

 

[sgbabydoll]

Eliz, did your bf shout at you over minor things? Or were you just quoting an analogy to TS?

 

[elizann]

Hi Doll, nope, my bf dun shout at me over minor things..was quoting an analogy...read my post....yah...realised that 'from experience' could have been misleading....what I meant from experience means in general type of experience... ;P

 

[elizann]

Hi Doll, nope, my bf dun shout at me over minor things..was quoting an analogy...read my post....yah...realised that 'from experience' could have been misleading....what I meant from experience means in general type of experience... ;P

 

[sgbabydoll]

Phew! Constant shouting can be a form of verbal abuse.

 

[sleepwalker]

it's in today's newspaper - 10 habits of Happy Couple. take a read: http://www.divaasia.com/article/7630

 

[elizann]

hi Doll!! agree that shouting can be a form of verbal abuse.

I have seen men shouting at their wives, and surprisingly it is the older generation most of the time, in their 50s or 70s. Not trying to be biased against older guys but this is what I see.

There should be mutual respect in a relationship. For me no matter how tired or stressed I am I always begin with a smile when talking to my bf. This is like a 'self check' on me to always be polite, respectful (n loving!!) to him no matter what

 

[hoddioo]

Marry an educated men with good upbringing. Things like that won't happen. Learn how to judge men. Some are down right rotten. Avoid them like the plague.

 

[miloice]

If you are depending on a kiss or hug as indication of the health of the relationship, truth is, either its long gone or never did exist. It can be done so superficially to assure women that cling on to indicators than really looking at the relationship itself.

hoddioo, I don't see how education or paper qualifications can make the character and integrity of a person.

 

[hoddioo]

milo

education refers not only to academic education but also to religious knowledge, social experience etc. please don't shape your views so narrowly or be so sensitive towards a term that is harmless.

an university graduate also have a higher chance of building better character traits or positive habits in the higher institution due to the overall better environment (vs a polytechnic for example).

 

[miloice]

Its not about being sensitive to terms used. Its the disagreement with the stereotyping suggestion.

We look that the person for who he or she is. I disagree that a university really has a significantly better environment to develop a character in comparison to a polytechnic. Most of the character development doesn't happen simply during that specific few yrs of education. The main difference are the most of the men have undergone national service in comparison with a Polytechnic. But out there in the working environment after, how individual develops, is more dependent on the drive and career choices each takes. Not so on, which poly or uni they come from.

 

[texasholdem]

don't you all find that nowadays, the higher a person's education is, the character is worse than a ite student?

 

[miloice]

I do not see the direct link between the 2. I disagree with the stereo-typing suggestion on either side actually.

 

[puppylover]

Totally agree with Milo. Education alone is no good indication of a person's character or integrity!

 

[glamour83]

I agree too. take for a very good example, my husband. he studied in elite schools throughout his education life and attended university at a top overseas university. He is now a doctor and there is no doubt he is very intelligent. But when it comes to EQ, social skills and character, i don't think he is as good as an ordinary guy with average IQ. In fact, because of his family upbringing, he is rather spoilt by his mom and i'm having a hard time correcting them now that we are married.

So far i think we are on the right track. for eg ever since we moved out, i managed to get him to share household chores with me - he vacuums/mops the floor and does the laundry while i'm in charge of the kitchen and toilet =) when he was at his parents', he lived like a king and lifted no finger.