Unfriendly PILs.. how to marry into a family like that?

fated2009

New Member
I'm getting married soon and am wondering if I'm making the right decision..

I have been with my FH for many years and I know from the start what kind of parents he has..very anti-social family, dun like strangers/outsiders. I have never actually officially met my prospective in-laws yet.. and I wunt get to until the ROM day.. because they do not want to meet me at all. They are not objecting to the marriage, they just dun wan to meet me, for whatever reason I do not know.

A few days ago I stumbled upon some sms exchanges btw my FH and his sibling in his hp. The conclusion after all that sms-es is that my FH is not going to bring me to visit his family or his relatives during CNY, for fear that his parents will be unhappy.

Sometimes I do not understand what is going on. We are already going to get married yet I am still not allowed to step into his house.. Am I doing the right thing by marrying to family? In fact, I dun think it will feel like I am marrying into the family.. does anyone have in-laws behaving like that too?
 


canbear

New Member
Wow fate. That's very rare. And pardon me for saying, but as you've mentioned, their attitude is very anti-social indeed. Sounds like they are caged away from society or mankind for a long time.

I know of parents who don't like to mingle with crowds, or feel uncomfortable dealing with strangers. So in those cases, the wedding is usually a simple one. Which is nice in a way.

But you are going to be their DIL soon, a status which is an intimate part of your FH's life. And if they don't even want to meet you, then.... how? You probably won't even hold any wedding or ROM ceremony then?

It's kinda weird I feel. But it depends on how you look at it. The danger here is whether your FH is very close to his parents. One day, he might just be "manipulated" by them to go against
you?

If that's not the case, and you do know you 2 love each other, then I say Heck with your PIL. Just enjoy quality time with him and your own parents.
 

miss_dilemna

New Member
Hi fate, I am facing quite similar prob with u.

I have known my partner for almost 4 yrs. I only get to see his mum last yr during CNY. Guess I have seen her 3 times max. I know abt my partner's family through him but didnt have a chance to meet up with them.

Just days before our ROM, his mum said tat she cant attend. She wont be in sg. His bros didnt attend due to some personal reasons. Can u imagine how disappointed both of us were and the huge dilemnas tat we were facing?

When she came back, she decided to leave for another man in another country for gd. (His dad passed away already)

When my partner asked her if she is attending our customary wedding, she said she try. I was furious n devastated! His mum can be so uptight abt his other bros' weddings but she seem not to be bothered by us. Still need to consider if she wants to attend or not.

My relatives keep probing and ask whether my MIL refused to acknowledge me as her DIL. I am really really sad. I did ask my partner whether is this the reason why she didnt attend our ROM. He said nothing of tat sort.

Till now, I also dunno wat to do....haiz...
 

fated2009

New Member
David,

I got a bit worried when I read your first sentence about my situation being very rare.. and yes, you can sort of say they are caged away from society all these years... because they dun mix with the outside world, very guarded..

Luckily my FH is not like that.. cos I know him many years and I "expose" him to many things. Sometimes he still does have a bit of the anti-social habits.. cant help it, it's his upbringing, but I try to counter that by letting him meet more people, esp my family member, relatives etc, so he that he can learn to be more comfortable around people.

But sadly, he has not been able to do the same for me. I.e let me meet more of his family, relatives etc.

My FH is actually quite close to his parents. But good thing is after the proposal, he has stood on my side more..at first the parents objected to our marriage, but we still went ahead to make the ROm plans and book our flat. I think when they saw how determined we were to get married, they knew they could no longer object and became more open towards the idea of us getting married. But still not open to the idea of meeting their future DIL.

But despite all this... my FH still told me one sentence which rings in my head..(together with alarm bells in the background) "My parents will always be Number 1, followed by you as No 2."
 

fated2009

New Member
Hi Miss Dilemna,

I know exactly how u feel. Sometimes we girls just want to be acknowledged by our in-laws, no matter what kind of weird characteristics they may possess.

Was his mother ur witness when she din turn up at the last minute? if it was, that must have been quite terrifying for u guys. I am worried that might happen to me too.

What about your partner's bros' wives? Could they have faced the same problems as you..
 

miss_dilemna

New Member
Hi fate,

Nope. none of his family members turned up.
His bros' wives cant be bothered to attend, I guess....

I am in a dilemna n have no one to talk to. Cos nobody will understand. Even frens too...cos it seems to abstract n absurd in which words/feelings cannot simply be conveyed just like telling a novel.
 

fated2009

New Member
Haha yes u r right... I never talk to my friends about my situation with my FH's family, because I dun think they will fully understand how I feel until you actually go thru it yourself. Sometimes u wonder why other people can have happy weddings but not yourself..

But David has managed to grasp it quite well.. and i think he's right in saying Heck with the PILs and we should instead enjoy quality time with the hubbies.

So all this while I should try to be a bit more positive about the situation.. by telling myself maybe is a good thing I dun get to meet them, because goodness knows how ugly and tensed and uncomfortable the scene can be when we do.

Even though deep down, i still feel quite sad about not being acknowledged..
 

powderful07

New Member
I'm looking at this from another angle...

You already stated that you knew about this SINCE you dated your FH for MANY YEARS...

My question to you then is:
It didn't bother you all these years...why are you then so concerned now?
Following that...you SHOULD have anticipated this situation long ago...but yet you didn't take any concrete action to make the situation better (did you?)...
So why are you "complaining" (for want of a better word) now when you could have do something about it back then but didn't?
Did you try hard enough?

And finally...
Your FH said "My parents will always be Number 1, followed by you as No 2."

What's wrong with that?
Do keep in mind, though, that he still married you despite his parents' "objections"?
Why then are you still worried about him?
 

miss_dilemna

New Member
Fate, at least ur FH's family still ok.
Imagine my partner's family falling apart. He cant do anything abt it as his mum is adamant abt leaving. I cant help him either.

We actually went to some temple. He got a lot, saying "no gd" for our marriage. The preparation till now has never been smooth-sailing.

Haiz...like u say lor, people can get married happily but I have hiccups every now n then. No matter how determined one is, it gets abit down at times n hard to proceed on, when there is so much uncertainty.
 

fated2009

New Member
It actually did bother me all these while, but it wasn't any cause of concern for me til we decided to get married.. to me, it's normal if you're in the gf/bf stages and you're not being brought back home to meet the parents cos sometimes guys dun wan to bring their gfs home til they are VERY sure that she is THE ONE.

In some ways, I din really anticipate because I thought most parents should be happy when their son wanna get married but I din expect that his parents would still continue to treat me like this even afer we've annouced our engagement.

And if you knew the parents, you'd know thats really nothing much that I can do. His brother brought his gf home once and she got kicked out of the house by his parents. I have tried to make contact/peace with them by all these years. although I dun physically step into the house, every festive season like CNY, Mooncake festival and Christmas, I would buy something for his family like Bah kwa, mooncakes, log cake etc just to show my sincerity, but no word of thanks from them de.

I guess the bottomline is I've been trying very hard but not succeeding.. thus am very worried now that my ROM date is drawing near.
 

thermos

New Member
I see it from another angle,your worry stems not from the fact that u are not accepted into the family (u already know that they are anti social and your bro-in-law gf also suffer the same fate), but rather I suspect you are worried because u are afraid of 'losing face' infront of own friends and relatives if non of the in-laws turn up at your wedding or ROM.

Really if they are like that, just let them be, there are some things you can't control. There's a saying, if u can't beat them, join them. In your case, if you can't beat them, leave them alone. Don't let your hair turn white over something beyond you.
 

fated2009

New Member
Miss dilemna,

I also had alot of problems during my course of preparations.. alot of quarreling and hurdles to cross..take heart that you're not alone..thru these experiences you both will learn hw to deal with things together, and you should emerge a stronger couple...
 

cuclainne

New Member
personally i would think it's strange if my bf doesn't bring me home to meet his folks cos then i would start thinking things like could it be that he's a married man, or that he's embarrassed enough of me not to intro to his parents, etc etc etc. plus in this matter, i'm the traditional kind who believe in having good relations with the in-laws WAY before getting married, and in-laws must get along with my parents and vice-versa cos no way am i or the husband going to be the middle-man.
 

canbear

New Member
Hi fate,

Sorry, I don't mean to scare you when I said it's rare. But that is my honest opinion.

I empathize with your situation because I have close friends whose situations are like that. But not identical to yours and not to that extent.

All I can say is, it's a sad thing. Actually, after marriage, having a healthy relationship with your in-laws is very important i think. It forms an intimate social bonding. When you have problems or joy to share, they are the people you go to, other than your friends who may not have the time for you, or sincere wish to help you.

But then again, perhaps not being close to in-laws may not be as bad as the in-laws who create numerous problems for their daughter/son-in-laws.

Nevertheless, it is indeed rare that his parents don't even wish to meet you. If they even care about their son, won't they want to meet his wife-to-be? Seems to me that they are socially inept. If you don't mind me commenting further, they seem the last people you can go to for help if you need one.

Your case is made worst by the fact that your FH told you his parents will be first, you second. This is not good.

In a marriage, the husband should be there for his wife. I'm not saying the parents are no longer important, but to do a hierarchical comparison of you and the parents like that, it shows when something happens, like his parents want to go against you, he may not support you. A good husband should evaluate the situation fairly, and come to a reasonable decison, even if it means going against his parents.
 

septh

New Member
"Your case is made worst by the fact that your FH told you his parents will be first, you second. This is not good.

In a marriage, the husband should be there for his wife. I'm not saying the parents are no longer important, but to do a hierarchical comparison of you and the parents like that, it shows when something happens, like his parents want to go against you, he may not support you. A good husband should evaluate the situation fairly, and come to a reasonable decison, even if it means going against his parents."

I agree! This will be a very big problem if in future, eg. his parents turn unreasonable or whatever, the wife have almost no one to turn to except her own family and will feel that everyone on his ILs side is against her, including her own husband.

Fate, do consider very carefully if you intend to proceed with the ROM.
 

fated2009

New Member
Yup, that is why I am having all these strong thoughts at my ROM date draws nearer.. and I start to wonder what life would be like after I sign on that paper and officially marry into the family. I read so many stories on this forum about monster-in-laws, it's really scary.

My FH's parents still have some control over his life. And sometimes I feel he treats them better than he treats me. I only feel comforted that we faced many objections and hurdles from the parents who tried to make things a bit difficult for us at times at the start when doing the preps, but he stood by me all this while.

But not sure once enter into the marriage.. what will happen and what will change..I doubt my ILs will be any more forthcoming towards me because its their anti-social characters.

What Can I do.. I can't change my FH's thinking and insist that he put me first..I only can pray that my ILs dun continue to make things difficult for us.. and that I need to try my best to dettach him from his reliance on his parents..

I think im starting to get a little cold feet. haha.
 

miss_dilemna

New Member
Hi fate,we seldom quarrel. Just tat i wan an update on how's things over his side, he also dunno cos its like a standstill.

I agree with cuclainne. Initially, I told my partner tat how come I dun get to visit his family during our dating times. He always say his mum is very happening(which is really true)
I told him how I felt tat if he would to tell me tat i am a PT lover or mistress, tink i feel better cos as a gf then, I feel like no diff from being single.
 

miss_dilemna

New Member
Fate, I tink u should review the situation, communicate n discuss this issue with ur bf.

If this is going to be a LT issue, you have a few options to consider. If u r willing to acknowledge this prob, then its something tat u have to bear with it for the rest of ur life. Cant resent later cos the choice is being made.

If u feel tat u cant withstand this in the long run, then u have to tell ur bf to do something abt it.

Some couples marry for the sake of marrying cos been together for a very long period of time. Dun get me wrong, I am not asking u not to marry.
happy.gif


Dun juz live with the fact tat ur bf mention tat his parents 1st priority n u being 2nd. Did he say tat to prepare u juz in case his parents being cold/nasty towards u? Or any chance of him being not so nice to u in future?

All these questions are juz for thoughts. Dun be too unduly worried k
happy.gif


If both are not ready to face this issue together, then u may wan to reconsider the whole thing?

As for me, after ROM didnt get to see his family. Somemore CNY around the corner...haizzzzz
Also dunno how to call her in future..."Auntie" or "Mother"....haizzzzzzzzzzzzz
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
hi Fate,

u need find out what is really your worry? Acceptance to his family, or simply for the wedding day. I gather that his family isn't welcoming u anyway, so probably u will be starting a new family with your bf apart from the folks. So, I really don't see the BIG IMPACT nor WORRY that you are having.

Why is this once a yr CNY gathering such a big concern for you? 1 to 2 days out of 365. What's the big deal?

Dilemna,

Such situation can exist even within the family and not necessary in-laws. Many people do have relatives that they are totally uncomfortable with. Is there a need to worry so much abt once a yr gatherings? Just endure thr it, no need to worry so much!
 

miss_dilemna

New Member
Hi Milo,

Is not worrying so much abt once a yr gathering..
it's being my acceptance into the family. Maybe from a traditional perspective, I like my family to be close-knitted.

Imagine my marriage cert is signed by my parents, the kind of mixed feelings tat I have within me. My partner shares the same sentiment as I do cos he is in a fix of the situation. He didnt expect tat his family would turn out this way too.

All I can do is to pray n hope...
 

flowerygal

New Member
Fate,
I think your FH's statement saying that his parents will come first is enough to make me furious. It proves that you are 2nd to them. I thought a lover should be placed No.1 in their heart? Next time anything happen, his parents asked him to ditch you, sorry, you are nobody. Otherwise should you offend his parents, he will be unhappy & will hate you. Even CNY he will not bring you along to visit relatives? Gosh, my hus brought me along almost every year during our courtship. How can he miss me out?

Miss Dimemna,
I think his mum is rather happening woman & can't be bothered about her children's affairs. As long your FH is good to you, do not bother about her presence then. I know it will be kind of embarrassing that the groom's mum has such bad attitude. Anyway, in weddings, most importantly is the couple, not others. Some weddings even have their divorced parents around, together with their new partners & children.....
 

miss_dilemna

New Member
Hi flowerygal, thanks for ur advice.

To have divorced parents attending their kid's wedding is better than having a mum who blatantly do not want to attend, giving excuses like "see how first". Did ask my partner if she dun like me or something of tat sort. He said no, cos the mum juz not happy with him.

It really saddens me to know how can a mum do tat to her own natural son?
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
hi Dilemna,

sort this out within yourself loh. What is your priorities. What are the good to have and must have for you. You should have started thinking about this since courtship.
 

miss_dilemna

New Member
Hi milo,

As much as I wan to do something abt it, I cant. Not tat I am not trying.
happy.gif


I will juz take one step at a time, giving my support to my partner which is the utmost priority.
happy.gif
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
hi dilemna,

yah... marrying someone is able learning to accept and be comfortable with each other for who we are and not want we wish for.
 

miss_dilemna

New Member
Definitely!
happy.gif


Gd news is tat his mum is not leaving for the time being till our wedding is over.
At least a consolation for CNY....haha :p
 

tan33a

New Member
Me too, i don't think i'd want to marry a guy who puts me 2nd on his priority list. Luckily, my ILs are not that bad.. though they don't seem to be excited at the fact that their youngest son's getting married. ^_________^
 

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