Unfaithful husband

[sgbabydoll]

Just have to point out that I feel strange to see Chilli Queen who has chosen to forgive her husband and rebuild the marriage with him, still calling herself a victim.

How you see yourself and the spouse in a relationship is a direct reflection on the state of the relationship.

If you have cancer but recovered, do you call yourself a cancer patient/sufferer or survivor?

 

[powder]

Grudge is strong and common amongst those who decide to stay on... cos actually, the forgiveness isn't there... i believe the motivation to stay is more of Fear than Resolve.

 

[sgbabydoll]

"i believe the motivation to stay is more of Fear than Resolve"

Likely so.

And this "self-deprecating" act of calling oneself a victim for the rest of your life just isn't healthy.

 

[powder]

it's within norms actually... i have observed that quite a number of pple have this 'being misunderstood'/'being wronged' syndrome... some seem to be constantly on alert for it and can't wait to defend theyselves or address being wronged. whilst some, in a twisted way, enjoy being wronged or misunderstood...

if u haven't, just start observing. i find it predominant in locals.

 

[miloice]

May, not true that straying only happened when the wife is no longer attractive. Frankly, no matter how the wife is. Instinctively, we will crave for variety and something new.

I am very Frank about the truth with my wife. I don't paint a priesthood image of myself for her. I am faithful not because the temptations isn't there. I am very tempted at times. After all, she trusts me and I can easily get away with it when I am overseas. It just walking to the brothel next to the noodle store I like to dine at. I have all these feelings despite having a loving and hot wife at home.

Why a man stray when overseas? It has more to do with his character, values, and strength to resist the temptations. If his morals is low, then he will fall whenever the situation encourages it. It will get lonely. Peers pressures will be there. Does he know how to deal with it?

 

[kittenpie]

i understand what you are saying, milo. and i can also attest that those things that you describe above .... women experience the same temptations too. sometimes, the person they are attracted to outside of marriage is not even as good-looking or desirable as their own husbands ... cause the KEY WORD at work is VARIETY.

men and women do face the same temptations in the modern urbanised world ...

 

[bedokboy]

yes indeed. temptation is omnipresent.

but must be careful not to rely on 'variety' as an excuse. It is a sad excuse if used after the transgression has been discovered.

 

[miloice]

It is not an excuse. Knowing and understanding ourselves can better help us manage it.

Often, when we read about another person discovering their spouse cheated. They are shocked on why and how can it happen since they continue to be loving during the periods.

In actual fact, its nothing shocking at all. It can happen to anyone. Not just sex addicted perverts or those with ugly spouses. These reasons are real. But we are no animals, we deal with them and keep our priority clear. Being I'm love with our spouses alone isn't enough. There will be low periods in any relationship. No true love magic bullshit that will make us immune.

 

[sgbabydoll]

"women experience the same temptations too. sometimes, the person they are attracted to outside of marriage is not even as good-looking or desirable as their own husbands ... cause the KEY WORD at work is VARIETY."

Variety does not seem to be what MOST women look for. Women tend to be attracted to men who exhibit caring behaviour or the ability to take care of her needs (with wealth).

 

[miloice]

Actually, the physical temptation is more easy to deal with. It is the emotional temptation that is messy and hard to cope.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Yes, Milo. If starved sexually masturbation can bring some relief. But much harder to cope if starved emotionally, especially when there is a spouse or partner in the picture, whom you think is the cause of that starvation.

 

[bedokboy]

and since it's still typically that men have a higher propensity to stray (tho recent stats are trying to debunk this) , the women in their lives should consciously look to LET THEIR MAN BE THE MAN!

 

[nylek]

i'm no expert when it comes to r/s matters... but with a logical mindset, the reason given to TS for straying is too far-fetched... ridiculous... doesn't make sense... It will make better sense if the guy says it's lust & thrill, follow by addiction...

I find addiction very very hard to kick off. Even when kick off, probably will always be tempted. E.g. smokers, gamblers, alcoholics... bad habits die hard... but not completely impossible unless genuinely wanting to change from the offender.

 

[miloice]

Nylek, I agree that its addiction. Unlike other addiction, this one strain the relationship from the very first time. Gambling can be a form of entertainment without addiction and it would not have issues of infidelity. There are some people that view casual sex differently, in their context, its not an issue with their relationship. But, these are not so for most couples especially in our Asian context. Hard to have both couples viewing sex and relationship as separate. Even for guys, it more of double standards. They can fling but not accept their wives doing the same.

 

[scope_guy]

Hweebs,

Your method of ç ´å±€ will only work if this woman stops being crazy. She doesn't have that pre-requisites... ... Probably you should first understand her situation here.

It's going to make the man lie more and she more crazy. This type of woman is too engrossed in being self-denying... Probably because she and her husband appear too 'wonderful' to her peers, and even those rubbish excuses she'd accept and even display them here.

If you read Cindy's psychology map, super typical Singaporean woman... The only ç ´å±€ is probably when she has gone to her limits and starts to fight major times with her husband.

I come back and read the exchanges... LOL~ It's going the wrong direction as expected.

Nylek and the rest... There is no addiction to sex... Man is designed by Mother Nature to be addicted to sex. Ask Milo, ask Thomas, ask Powder... if they are healthy and I send a beauty to seduce them... ...

I don't think people understand about the 'moral' here... LOL~

万法归一，ä¸èƒ½è„±ç¦»é•¿é’¢. Which means, no matter what beliefs made, it must be made on good sense. And good sense isn't against the code of nature... to begin with.

I think... most of you here have to start rethinking of what you used to think.

And... where is Cindy??? LOL~

Her problem will never be solved if she wastes time on superficial 'wisdoms' here.

What is the true moral behind every relationship? LOL~

 

[hweebs]

scope,

This is not a counselling session, I can only offer suggestions...in hopes that even if she doesn't want to use it or find it useful now, she learns that there is such an option instead of 死棋. But since she is not here I can't learn more of her situation and thoughts la.

 

[scope_guy]

Hweebs,

You can learn alot of things with a lot of clues she has left in her responses up there.

Approach this case of a woman who is simple-minded, silly and with heavy dose of self-denial, and probably someone sociable in a way. She belongs to one of the few major types of women... and her 'story' should be very 'boring'.

Not a bad chance to hone your skills, you know. Easy and straight-forward case, with little risk... since she is the big problem here. Don't even need to consider her husband as a factor.

She is very superficial, you must focus on how she analyses things. Give her a sweet, she'd likely go with a stranger. LOL~

 

[hweebs]

hai

why so many people in this forum want to teach me things? did i come to a learning forum by mistake?

 

[miloice]

the clue is probably on your responses to them? For Scope, he is leading you for fun and you continue to be led by his crap for what?

 

[sgbabydoll]

"it's within norms actually... i have observed that quite a number of pple have this 'being misunderstood'/'being wronged' syndrome... some seem to be constantly on alert for it and can't wait to defend theyselves or address being wronged. whilst some, in a twisted way, enjoy being wronged or misunderstood..."

Yeah, powder. People are just too caught up with right or wrong. And they think to forgive the cheating spouse means must continue living with him/her, or they continue living with the spouse thinking that this is an act of forgiveness. It's so not true.

 

[scope_guy]

Hweebs,

That's because you are Hweebs. LOL~

You see, those people try to ignore me while following me everywhere...

You have to understand these psychic, and don't need to be frustrated with May. Everyone is an avatar here. LOL~

Milo,

Nay. For Hweebs, I am leading her around for her own good. Basically, I'm trying to pull her onto the right track and let her deal with (eg) Cindy with more ease. She still accomplish this case on her own... and hopefully gain some experience.

You are the one for entertainment. Kekeke~

I like it when you say such thing, and follow me everywhere. LOL~ I have said, my 'nosense' always work on you.

I see Hweebs trying to handle something but her 功力 still needs improvement；she has to improve since her role deals with many puny lives.

Such a simple case, and it's going like round and round and round. Obviously, this subject has a typical Singaporean mentality, totally not suitable for love. She loves her stable marriage status more than facing a man she doesn't actually married due to love and the issue of her facing a mistress and such in time to come.

Small women like her is common everywhere... Her story bores me in real. Then after the wayang, nothing changes. She is still she.

一个没勇气é¢å¯¹çŽ°å®žçš„女人……

At most she ends up as bitter as Doll, what's new?

 

[miloice]

I have been in this forum since 2004. Only in the mind of egoistic delusional individuals that he thinks its all about him.

Who was the one that claim to will ignore my posts but continue with this many replies? Bo liao. As reflected by the kinds of things one views as entertainment.

 

[simpleman]

Maybe it will help women feel better.

Men stray but will give all sort of reasons and excuses.

Of course, scientists will say it is in the DNA of Men to stray - because having multiple sexual partner in our DNA - evolved over thousands of years - to increase the chance of survival (more offsprings)

Recent studies also shown that women in their 30s and early 40s are more sexually active than those in the 20s. And it is in the DNA of women as well... as they have to have more sex so that they can produce as many offsprings as possible before their production factory close shop.

Once women reach menopause, her sexual drive will drop dramatically. Men's sexual appetite is quite stable from middle-age till 70s.

 

[simpleman]

If a man wants to screw around it does not matter how beautiful his wife is..

 

[karvna]

@Cindy:

It's all excuses. A man who truly loves his wife will not hurt her. If he succumbs to temptation so easily now, what makes you think he won't repeat the same mistake years later when you are old? You are only deceiving and torturing yourself if you continue in the marriage. It is a good thing that you do not have kids now. Better cut loss and let go. There are better men out there.

 

[scope_guy]

Karvna,

"They are better men out there..." So you said, and may I know what would be considered 'better'?

I am just curious. That's all. ^.^

 

[miloice]

Actually, we do hurt our loved ones. So do you. Just mostly unintentional and sometimes for personal or selfish reasons as well.

Be honest with yourself.

7 yrs of wonderful relationship. This man deserves some credit lah. Yes, he made a mistake over lust. No one is perfect. He can surely learn from his mistakes.

 

[healing]

Hi Cindy, how are you coping? how issit going? Hope u will be brave in whicheva you chose. All the besT!

 

[foxgal]

Way to go Scope!!Hahaha! This guy never fail to make me laugh.. it's doses of humour and reality check that i need everyday...HAHAHA!

 

[scope_guy]

Hi Foxgal,

Even a clown gets paid; don't I get anything for making your day everyday? LOL~