Unfaithful husband

[jasminelee]

hi,i have a wonderful relationship with my husaband(tats what i thought)(7years dating,coming 4th year marriage)we seldom have any quarrel n he loves,dotin me very much.but recently i discover something in his facebook(we know each other password cos to play game)he have ask a girl to sms him which a hp no that i never know so i confront him.At first he deny it but after that he admit he lend a old hp to a colleague to sms his girlfriend n he also help to sms bk cos he know his gf as well.

i am v angry n upset that he lie to me but becos of his character i believe in him so i let it pass reminded him that there wont be another time n not to help his colleague anymore.but yesterday evening i dont know is woman sixth sense or what i check his hp pic n saw several naked women photos.i confront him calmly n finally he admit from last year until now he have been visiting ktv n they have sex.(10 times in singapore.2 in business trip).

can u imagine how i felt i reali cant believe this thin can happen to me i ask him y he did this n he explain that he feel v stress n useless cos we have been trying to have kid since last year but it fail n it make him think tat he himself got problem so he seek outside to prove to himself n his ego.i know he is v stress cos got a v demanding boss,need to study so i never reali force him anything.if ve kids then is a bless if not its ok for me,i never thought tat he treat this matter so seriously.

he say he cant lose me n he still love me v much he feels so guilty towards me but the problem is i reali dont know i can forgive n forget tat easily to make matters worse end of the mth he need to go business tip for 4 days i reali dont know wat to think n face him.hope to seek u guys for advice,tnks!

 

[ckgal]

where is he going?

 

[jasminelee]

macau.last 2 trips also macau

 

[poitto]

i think you should talk to him
let him know that due to his past actions these trips will give you sense of insecurity
Can he assure you that he wont do it again?
Will you be able to trust him if he give you his words?
Will it be better if you can go along with him?
Go relax too...

 

[jasminelee]

even i stop him from going this time ll it help? he can go find woman after work in singapore already,i dont know can i trust him again? is having kids so important in a marriage? we havent go for a checkup so it might be i have a problem who knows but can stress can be a reson to unfaithful? i cry also no tears already, i am so hurt inside my heart....

 

[margret]

since u confront him already, find out where is he staying and see whether he is meeting with any women again or not.

 

[jasminelee]

u mean i go macau to catch him?this time round he go with different colleague n his boss.

 

[margret]

to get a closure and if u have the time, maybe u go there see yourself.

 

[dinnielooi]

cindy, pm me at [email protected] i have something to share with u

 

[scope_guy]

No kids? Prove himself...? LOL~

Only stupid women will believe this sort of rubbish... ... LOL~

Can women think?

 

[bedokboy]

while I don't agree totally with Scope that the 'no kids' excuse is lame, I think going repeatedly is wrong.

 

[scope_guy]

Bedokboy,

Think carefully... So do you think 'no kids' so you go fvck those babes at KTV will bring you any to prove anything? Or... why not have a sexual experience to produce kids... outside her wife's? LOL~

I am someone who love kids alot...

But sexual pleasure is sexual pleasure, why use 'no kids' as a reason? And worse... What is there to prove? Rubbish.

I mean, how to prove? LOL~ This woman is crazy... such excuse also can take.

 

[hweebs]

"he explain that he feel v stress n useless cos we have been trying to have kid since last year but it fail n it make him think tat he himself got problem"

what does it actually by that ah? Trying to have kid means u2 calculate all the ovulation etc and concentrate all efforts to get a hit to the point of not enjoying sex, or just it mean that u2 are generally just hoping a child will be conceived?


In any case, the stress thingy is an excuse lah. At the very most he cannot find sexual pleasure in u2's attempts to conceive so he finds it outside. Then maybe he finds it so good (stolen pleasures are the most exciting) that he continues.

The 4 days: what can you do? You can control him? Or u want to contract with him that he play you also play?

 

[jasminelee]

i know i cant control him even that 4 days he didnt do anything but it doesnt prove tat in future he wont do it again.hopefully there ll be a closure after we talk over it

 

[miloice]

Cindy, its an addiction in prostitution. Just as gambling, drugs and any other forms of addictive vices. It isn't going to be easy to kick it.

Especially when it gets lonely and horny overseas, the temptation is there. Eateries and brothels, ktv can be just next to each other or just across the street or even in the hotel. Could be out of curiosity or a moment of lust that started it. Ask any guy, that temptation is surely there.

It is a reality on how easy it is for one to be unfaithful. It can happen to anyone. If you want to rebuild the relationship, you must work on that trust. You cannot stop him, only he can stop himself. And its impossible for wife to join every biz trip lah. Its a really dumb suggestion if his work scope requires regular trips and entertainment.

 

[bedokboy]

wah lau scope, i say not totally mah. And it's not entirely my view, I'm just saying that there could be guys out there who genuinely feel this way.

However upon thinking a little bit more, I think if the wife is not refusing sex, then there should be no reason to stray lah.

 

[jasminelee]

hi,miloice.is it possible to reali forgive n forget.if u ask me i reali dont want to opt divorce i reali treasure our years of relationship.i have read alot recovering articles just now but sometimes cant help it thinking n feel bitter n upset abt it.i reali appreciate ur post.i know i cant follow everywhere he goes n if reali like tat i think theres no point carry on e marriage rite

 

[jasminelee]

i didnt refuse sex at all instead i try to spice things up but to be frank e number of times of sex have been decrease this year cos of his study n job n his parents getting divorce.he did sms tat he reali loves me n i am the most important person since his own family become like tat.this sms come after e discussion when i first discover e colleague hp thing which happen 2 weeks b4.

only yesterday then i check his hp pictures then at tat point i then found the truth,e pict dated is nov last year,march n may this year.he say tat he sms me tat sentence he tell himself to stop hurting me cos he saw my reaction hw upset i felt reg abt the hp thing

 

[bedokboy]

he might turn around lah. not all men are no-hopers.

 

[scope_guy]

Bedokboy,

This woman is trying to self-deny, even such stupid excuse works for her... Gone case liaoz~ LOL~

It's not about the wife refuses sex... they obviously didn't marry out of true love, she obviously is a blind sotong...

Stray got need reasons meh? If you see pretty women, then your wife already so old and so 'used', without true love... with all the libido, it's either his wife finds out or he fvcks big times behind her.

How do you think those sex shops got all the businesses?

If guys are genuinely feeling the lack of having kids... go see doctor, get treatment... or see voodoo. Where got go KTV proves himself with condoms one? LOL~

Bedokboy, this woman is just waiting for a full-blown mistress taking HER child to see her... If a man really loves a woman, after marriage, she is the only woman... unless that woman breaks her own vow and...

Which man loves to share woman as woman loves to share man? LOL~

The real reason is, woman wants marriage and man wants sex... There is no true love backing this couple. This woman will go mental eventually. LOL~

 

[miloice]

Cindy,

ignore this guy and his talk of true love crap as if it will make someone immune to their temptations. Total bull. He isn't even married. Castles in the air. As if every problem and issue is because the relationship has no love and somehow TRUE LOVE is some fairy happily ever after.

Frankly, you will never forget. The key to rebuilding is never forgetting. Often, many try so hard to avoid thinking and even force themselves to forget. It just doesn't happen that way. You need to acknowledge the mistake and learn to deal with it together as a couple. i.e. he must learn to handle the temptation and know when to set the alarm bells to pull himself out of the situation.

He has a big part play to exercising the needed self control. He must believe enough in it and cherish the marriage enough. And he must show commitment and reassurance to help rebuild the trust. It is important that he needs to really believe he can and will cope with his temptations because it aren't going to change. He will continue to be tempted. If he is doing all these only to please you, then don't bother, it will never work if he doesn't even believe in it. What's worrying is his stupid crap excuse he is giving you. Does he take you as an idiot or what. To prove himself? He is just tempted and fell for is because he wanted the excitement and pressure of paid sex with pros. Period. No need for stupid excuse, just pure simple fallen for the temptation. Its isn't even like an affair where its the emotions that clouded him.

For you, deal with the emotions. It will be like waves, with highs and lows. Often, recovery is difficult because all the mistrust, suspicion, anger and moodswings will creep and and you would resent him. It makes it very difficult for the both to move on this way.

Its definitely tough. Not every relationship can survive infidelity. But, you can give it the best try together. If it doesn't work, you know for sure, there is nothing to regret abt it.

 

[jasminelee]

hi,miloice.tnks for your encouragement.i have ask him to think carefully what he reali wants n how he going to save the marriage on his part.i think it reali take 2 hands to clap for marriage to work out,i hope tat he can tell me what thins goes wrong n how i can improve.he did say is peer temptation cos one of his colleague also play this kind of thigs.of course i cant blame e colleague only my husband to blame cos if he not willing nobody can force him.

but hw abt the business trip tat he going end of mth,should i let him go?any books recommend tat i can read to help me recover?tnks

 

[miloice]

cindy, if its biz trip, not letting him go is as good as asking him to switch career.

That could be a possibility if he is agreeable. Else, you also cannot force him. But, the real issue isn't about having the opportunity to cheat but him wanting to cheat.

 

[margret]

if u can't forgive and forget then there is no point in salvaging the marriage as it will be very suffering for both party. eg, u will always suspect him whenever he come home back or go for overseas assignment, and this will end in frustration or quarrel.

 

[scope_guy]

Milo,

LOL~ But it's fun to see both of you talking round the bush. This woman is crazy, and she's still crazy 'asking her husband what goes wrong'...

Fine. If you don't know what true love is, you also said I not married; I don't think she understands anyway.

So what he changes career? LOL~

I know many teachers going to KTVs for 'relief', many monks buy blue tapes and go to hotel for pleasures... If this woman continues to insist being crazy... It's merely entertaining.

Self-denial and wrong peers...

Cindy my dear, it has nothing to do with the business trips... Despite what Milo's humiliation on true love, it's the only thing that fights infidelity effectively.

What's wrong with you? You are crazy. LOL~ And you will develop a mental case or personality mutation from a lovely housewife to a vengeful pitiful woman if you continue to think that marriage is a decision and you can work for marriage to work and ignore true love... while waiting for yourself to age so much that...

Then your husband brings back his beautiful YOUNGER mistress with their own children... ...

Marriage is a formality of true love... not the other way round hoping to find true love after marriage. It's like giving sex to find love... naive. And you are insisting down this route...

You are hopeless, just as many many many other stupid women are. Fine. Just wait till you are 45yo... and you will understand what I mean. Kekeke~

 

[xiao_nu_ren]

<u>Hi Cindy</u>
Being a victim of an affair myself, I totally understand your feeling right now.

What I feel you should do is to stop finding excuse for him on why he did it, just like the way he found excuses to himself on why he did it. It all boils down to.... he failed his part as a husband on not displaying self-control.

You really have to set yourself straight and think hard. Don't allow the numbers of yrs you had been with him to cloud your thoughts. Ask youself, can you really forget? Even after you forgive? And observe, bring out the issue and discuss it head-on with him. Is he willing to be open and discuss everything openly and admit fault? Is he aware the amount of hurt he'd inflicted on you?

There's much to be done than to forgive and move on. The aftermath of the whole episode can be too great to deal with. Like myself right now. As much as I thought everything is back to normal, since the affair ended 7-8 mths ago. I began to count down to the date they'd known each other. Which is next mth. I began to realise, I can't forget at all! And fear is building up all over again.

Most importantly to my decision to stay on the marriage, is kids. You do not have kids at all, thus, it'll be much simpler to yourself.

There's no answer to why a guy started an affair. For every affair do start with a different reason. There'll be no answer here. Cos, you are the boss to yourself. And eventually, your own thoughts and emotion will rule everything out here. Pls do listen to your own thoughts when you analyze everything. Only you can help yourself.

All the best to you.

 

[miloice]

Stop beating about the bush, you know your nonsense doesn't work with me.

You cannot put words in my mouth at all. I clearly indicated that the real issue isn't about having the opportunity to cheat but him wanting to cheat.

The only crazy sick person I see is you. What did your parents do to have brought you up to be this sickening bo liao. *Yawns*

 

[scope_guy]

Milo,

Childish.

But it's ok, Cindy can go on and try... your path. LOL~

It's always like this... take the test and learn or... take the test and nothing changes.

LOL~

You still don't know why and what 'bush I am beating around'... LOL~ That's the whole idea about it.

 

[miloice]

What's new? Think of something new to say and stop beating about the bush. No one even need to abide to your fairytale true love theory for a happy marriage. That's for kids to dream about. Don't come in every thread with this true love crap. Walk the talk. Be precise, no point calling other crazy, hopeless and everything. It really show how shallow and lack stupid your points are. Your lame assumption at any relationship with problems is simply the lack of true love is truly stupid. As if no one except you knows what's love.

 

[scope_guy]

Milo,

My nosense is working well on you. LOL~
I am sure this forum is flooded with Cindy-type women... I am dying to read their great ideas for Cindy. LOL~

Milo, married or not has nothing to do with assessment. LOL~

 

[miloice]

in your avatar mind for sure its working. Yah. Laugh at your own silly jokes again.

As mentioned, you are truly sick in the mind. A total psycho that needs such cheap trill to excite your distorted ego.

 

[scope_guy]

Milo,

It's up to you. LOL~ I have a date later, hopefully when I return... I'd see more interesting cases and exciting views.

Hmm... Why is something so simple has to be made so complicated?

Obviously, her true love for marriage is so much more than her love for the man... LOL~ She doesn't understand true love and jumped into marriage... and now, she has gone crazy. If she, as Sad And Heartbroken, defensively declares she married based on love... I'd laugh even harder.

Cindy, not felt pampered enough? Go on with that self-denial... ... Milo may be right... true love is not important.

Many smarties in this forum, including those giving seminars, telling ladies: Commitment is merely a decision.

LOL~

Hopefully, those crazy jokers will also tell you how to decide for your dick-dripping husband... LOL~

You lost your game, my dear. At least you should know why... ... You want to keep this marriage, and you cannot tolerate your man as he tortures... with every business trip to come...

and you are getting older and ugly in time to come.

Your options are running out, my dear Cindy... Are you worthy for a relationship, as Milo and the rest? LOL~

My nosense can be very interesting... when you get the test from Mr God.

 

[hweebs]

cindy,

I'm going to suggest something very radical...use your own disgression as to whether you want to follow it.

I will suggest open season for the 4 days. You tell your husband, both parties can and will do what they want, on the condition that both will sit down and talk about the experience after (he comes back). Do not promise not to stray, etc., leave all possibilities open.

When he comes back and u2 sit down and discuss, share with him how you feel: about the uncertainty of whether he is cheating. Ask him to share likewise: whether he did go and sleep with someone during the period, and what does he feel about you possibly sleeping with or being with someone else during his absence. Hopefully he will share that it was an unpleasant experience that occupied his mind throughout his trip, and that he spent time worrying instead of sleeping around (best scenario). He may end up saying that he was angry you may be sleeping around so he went to sleep around too, but all he could think of is you, etc. Then you can bring up the issue of trust: that it is not in the marriage anymore. In the 4 days, he can wonder if you had been with someone else, whereas this is what you wondered every single day since you discovered that he was cheating. You ask him: how? Our marriage failed completely. Should we save it?

Talk about it, be sincere and authentic. If he has intentions to save the marriage, he will try to list out some things he will do. Contract them down, put as terms to consider whether to continue in the marriage. Contract it for a certain amount of time, e.g. 6 months, before reviewing it again. The 6 months contracted will become a time u2 rebuild your trust based on the basic trust of keeping to the terms of the contract. By 6 months if both parties keep to terms and contract, discuss again to see whether u2 want to 'renew' it. If he (or you) breaks the terms and conditions at any point of time, you can consider the trust, and the chance to work the marriage completely lost.

hope this helps!

 

[scope_guy]

Hweebs,

Won't work. LOL~ Sorry to be so blunt, again.

 

[miloice]

As usual, always claiming to be busy, having some appointments but coming back within mins. Maybe its just avatar dates.

But, no one is missing him or wanting his replies anyway.

 

[hweebs]

scope,

u know in chess there is sometimes a stalemate, an impasse? what needs to happen is to 'po4 ju2'...this is what the move is about: to change the current situation so new directions can happen. Otherwise they will be trapped in this loop. Out of the loop, there can then be new developments, be it to work or to end.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Cindy, you seem eager to forgive your husband but unable to trust. That's understandable. But why are you in such a big hurry to do all these when you are not ready? You are putting tremendous pressure on yourself and you can't think straight as a result.

Know that you are in such a big hurry to forgive and trust again because subconsciously you fear that this marriage will end. But this fear may drive you to make unsound judgement and decision.

I strongly suggest that you get away to do proper thinking.

 

[vios]

errr, you are cindy or jasmine?

yup, pretty-crappy excuse for resorting to sleeping around... moreover, it is very very real that you might be in the high risk of indirectly getting STD - no thanks to his promiscuous lifestyle.

 

[bedokboy]

hweebs, tho your suggestion is not bad, I doubt it will have full effect when it's so contrived.

I suspect you recommend this remedy because you may have experienced it before? Or had a friend experience it before? But quite likely that scenario it did not happen simultaneously to both parties, perhaps when the same thing happened to the 2nd party then the 2nd party realised how it feels to be on tenterhooks and distrusting your partner when the possibility of infidelity is so high.

Reckon?

 

[hweebs]

bedok,

no lah, i never experienced it before. Hmm, contrived ah? I suggested because there is then an open window for things to happen. In a sense is also a testing rod lah...if she open season and he got no feelings or even encourage it, cindy will have new perspectives of things and may choose to end or to become more 'open minded'. What do you think?

 

[bedokboy]

but your open season is only for a limited period. Chances are if she really puts out, what kind of guys is she going to meet?

Open season is only effective if something really happens. If I'm the guilty one in the relationship and my partner suggests open season for 1 week or even a month, I may laugh it off. But depending on how 'hot' I think she still is, a month may indeed make me gun jeong a bit. Haha.

 

[hweebs]

hmm, i see. what do the rest of you think?

 

[kittenpie]

hweebs, i think that a man who has strayed in this manner is likely to respond ambiguously when presented with the "open season" idea. he may probably say something like "anything you want" and leave her dangling in the middle of nowhere. when his attitude to this suggestion is vague, how to proceed with the plan?

can someone who has actual divorce experience due to infidelity come in to comment about the feasibility of this idea?

but the open season idea makes me wonder ... could the woman have lost much of her womanly attractiveness during the course of the marriage such that the husband would only get concerned when open season is openly declared. haha ... and if the wife looks like a hag, she is inviting her husband to laugh at her scornfully in the face if she initiates this plan.

is this a Catch 21 thing. to put it extremely simplistically, if the wife were so mesmerisingly attractive, the husband wouldnt have strayed. the very fact that he has strayed means that she is probably not very attractive hence she cannot use the open season proposal on him as it would be ineffective. haha... ok, i know i sound stupid and oversimplistic now, but im just saying ...

 

[bedokboy]

exactly why I said I would laugh unless she is still hot.

 

[kittenpie]

right bedok ... and also the very fact he strayed means high likelihood that he couldnt be bothered if she also strays? he may even laugh and think "wah, the man who wants her is siao one?"

ok .... my bad ... this is so superficial of me ...

someone with actual divorce experience due to infidelity come in quickly to comment about the feasibility of this idea lah ...

 

[bedokboy]

no no this one i don't agree.

men do have double standards.

your wife is your wife.

you can fxxk someone else's but you cannot let someone else fxxk yours.

i may even want to go so far as to say even if she is downright fat and ugly, it is still considered a loss of face if someone sleeps with your wife.

 

[hweebs]

that's what I thought. Men (especially husbands) are possessive of their wives. Men can fool around but their possessions cannot be snatched by others.

If he couldn't be bothered if she stray, then the whole marriage is gone what, whether or not he say he still loves her...then TS has her answer.

 

[vios]

no lah... doesn't mean the wife is still attractive and the husband won't stray because of that. there are always attractive women out there, and so, it depends on the kind of guy lah.

i seriously know that not every guy will just grab even if it is there for the taking.

btw, the "open season" is intended to make jas-dy's husband feel kan cheong? might work for this short duration, but unlikely to last after that.

like i said, it really depends on the type of guy whom a woman gets married to.

 

[powder]

Bedok I'm surprised... Think we need to take as good as we can give in life...

 

[bedokboy]

never been caught in that situation before.
might never know if I ever have been on the other side too haha.
just disclaiming first.
haha.