Unfaithful husband given excessive access to kids

[insingapore]

The situation is with my sister and her husband, who commited adultery.

They have 2 kids and for the past several years, my sister has worked financially to take care of the children and care for them, while the husband comes back to visit every other weekend. The husband has been working in China for several years, and has a mistress in China.

The divorce has dragged on for over 1 year, because of delaying tactics from the husband's side. (he comes from a wealthy family, and thus can afford to do that).

So now the court has granted the husband access rights of Mon, Wed, Fri and Sat. That has turned my sister and the children's life upside down. As when he comes, he just takes the kids out for fun and games while ignoring the hard work of actual parenting. It's so unfair when the mother slogs it out everyday and has to be the disciplinarian while the husband, who has been an absentee parent for the last several years, comes in and takes credit. The children are now tired all the time, and morally confused.

I access should be granted, but reasonable and to the status quo.

Is there anything my sister can do ?

 

[dinnielooi]

play tactics, send them to attend courses enrichment course

 

[sinmum]

I take it there's still no custody ruling since divorce is not concluded yet. Then yr sis can bring the kids out on the days when he's suppose to appear. Play tic for tac.
Change the lock to the house so that he can't come n go as he pls.

 

[simpleman]

So now the court has granted the husband access rights of Mon, Wed, Fri and Sat. That has turned my sister and the children's life upside down. As when he comes, he just takes the kids out for fun and games while ignoring the hard work of actual parenting. It's so unfair when the mother slogs it out everyday and has to be the disciplinarian while the husband, who has been an absentee parent for the last several years, comes in and takes credit. The children are now tired all the time, and morally confused.


I am just as confused.

Firstly, how has the children's life been turned upside down? If the children suppose to have activities on those weekdays, then those activities should continue - whether if with the father or not. It is possible to negotiate for this?

There is no such thing as "unfair" to the parent having the custody. You wanted the custody for the good of the children. It is your responsibility to take care of them - discipline and all. The parent having access would naturally spend most of the time taking them out and having fun. This should be known up front. What so unfair? You want the children you have to take responsibility. If you feel it is unfair, then give up the children. And what credit is the father taking?

For access to the children, the best is to negotiate - for something that is good for the children.

Your sister should be thinking about what is best for her children and not whether it is unfair for her to bear responsibility for their daily lives and discipline while the father only takes them for leisure. A compromise should be reached.

I don't agree that we all should play games with the other parents. Think about what is best for the children - think along those line.. and not what makes you happy.

 

[eddie77]

I think your sister needs to talk to the ex.
I'm sure the father also wants his children to do well in their studies. She can get him to bring them to enrichment classes, etc.
Work out what is best for the children.

 

[simpleman]

Play tic for tac...

How are we suppose to teach our children?

Some food for thought.

The best arrangement for the children is to sit down and negotiate amicably with the other parent. The children are not pawns to be used in games.

 

[sinmum]

Totally agree with sm that children are not pawns. But too often they suffer from the inconsiderate actions of the adults.

Negotiating is the best and both parties must be willing and open to work for the best interest of the children and not for own gratifications

 

[rugrats_pat]

Yeah when in this situation its the children that suffer the most

 

[simpleman]

Children suffer the most mainly parents are short-sighted and want to win for the sake of winning.

If you set aside your personal pride and think from the children's point of view - you won't go very wrong.

Some parents I know behave very unhappily when their ex-spouse took their children out to play during weekend. They want to make their children feel guilty about been too good with the other parents. So much so that children have to hide and put on a false front.

If your children are happy out with their weekend father/mother - you should be happy for them. And you too can enjoy your weekend in some other ways.

 

[clearskies]

In Singapore, I understand how u feel. It's so important for fathers to cooperate when disciplining the kid. Often, lazy fathers take the easy way out because it's harder to enforce discipline than to let the kid enjoy.

As Eddie has said, u should ask your sis to discuss with the ex husband and come to an agreement about the rules. Unlike what others said, I think your sis's unhappiness is justified. The father is not getting access only on weekends, when the kid can play. He is getting access on Mon, Wed, Fri and Sat.

With so many days, discipline will become an issue, especially if the kid is in school. If the mother says no games before homework and test revision is done, and father says he can play games any time, the discipline of the kid will go haywire. He doesn't know who to believe and who to listen to. The one who suffers in the end will be the kid.

 

[clearskies]

By the way, this is not just a problem for divorced parents but for married parents too, when one is lax in discipline and the other tries to be strict. The result can be really terok. I find that fathers generally are more relaxed in their approach, whereas mothers are more kan cheong. Always best to consult each other, find a middle ground that's not too strict and not too relaxed, and lay down the ground rules together.

 

[simpleman]

"In Singapore, I understand how u feel. It's so important for fathers to cooperate when disciplining the kid. Often, lazy fathers take the easy way out because it's harder to enforce discipline than to let the kid enjoy. "

I don't necessary agree. Parents have to find a middle ground and a sensible solution. Why only father? On the other hand I can say mothers tend to think that they know what is best for their children to the extent of depriving the children a chance to develop. It is important for parents to find a solution.

You think father take the easy way out? And not because they rather the children to learn and not to impose their views too much? When a child is young - certain amount of discipline is required, yes. Once they hit teen years - they will be smart enough to evade.. it is much much better to be able to connect to them than just mere discipline and rules.

I can't see why having access on Mon, wed, Fri & Sat will pose a problem if the child's plan is in place. The child still can have time to do homework, enrichment class on Mon, Wed, Fri & Sat. the other parents just need to understand and fit into the schedule. I can also say mother are lazy in planning a specific schedule and agreeing with the parents and simply place a restriction that no access on weekdays because it interfere with child's plans.

As to whether TS's sister unhappiness is justified or not, it is hard to way. Unhappiness is what we give ourselves. If there is already interim judgement on the access hours, what is the point of getting unhappy over it. Either discuss with hb and come to a compromise or go fight it in court. So unless you can prove that have access is detrimental to the child, it will be difficult to change the access hours. The best is to discuss with hb on what is best for the child and work from there. Unhappy won't get her anything.

I have custody of my three children. I am giving my ex-wife unlimitted access - mon to sun (provided she informed before hand) and I don't see it as a major problem. If my little girl has homework and she is going to mother's place - she knows she has to finish her homework before going and has to complete it there.. really simply rule and as both parents are agreeable I don't see a problem.

Rules like time for games, tv and etc etc can be set universally - with both parents. I don't really see any confusion if both parents are enforcing it.

 

[miloice]

Notice we often hear of tiger mums and hardly tiger dads? Is it because men are lazy or men are hardly involved in the parenting? Or is the tendency to over parent more dominant in the maternity instincts?

Something to think about. Its not about bashing a particular gender. Rather, understanding our unique traits. We always need a balance, our instinctive traits is double edged, it enables to be naturally proficiently in some areas, but over reliant of them could make us lose that balance as well. This is why both parents are needed to contribute in the child's development. We don't need 2 mothers, thinking completely alike. I agree very much with sm's point about imposing views on children. As parents, we tend to over parent. The balance is very hard to arrive. So, we should be conscious about it, get the kid's feedback and adjust accordingly all the time.

For the rules, as parents, even though divorce, communication is very important to align the basic rules for the kid. All these differences and conflicts could probably be minimized if both are able to feedback and work things out as parents of the kid for the best interest of the child.

 

[clearskies]

Sm, of course, if both father and mother are willing to enforce the same rules, there shouldn't be a problem. As an objective bystander, TS can help to analyse the situation.

Weekdays generally are not a good time for fun and games, as it will tire the kids out. If what TS said in her post is true, that the children are tired all the time, rather than cutting down on dad's visits, her sis can try to work out a solution where dad helps the kids with homework on weekdays.

There is always time for fun and games on weekends. For those who are experienced, maybe you can suggest to TS what is the best way for her sis to communicate with her ex husband? How should she phrase her words without offending her ex or causing him to think that she is trying to limit his time with the kids?

I have family members and friends who are divorced and communication between exes is not easy. The dad/mum with less access may not listen and may misunderstand and think that the parent with custody is trying to alienate the kids from them.

 

[simpleman]

There is no easy way out and no magic words Just communication. And being sincere at it. At the outset why are you saying the dad/mum with less access may not listen and not the dad/mum with custody may not listen.

Children are not exclusive to one parent. Even parents with care and control - you are just having the children directly under you on a daily basis. The other parent has as much right to access the children as the one having care and control. And don't always think because you are "slogging" for the children under your care they belong to you - it is a fallacy of most parents having care and control. They make themselves bigger than it really is.

If you want care and control - it comes with the direct responsibility - you can't complain about discipline and responsibility because you WANTED it.

Talking with exs you got to learn to be sincere and negotiate. Don't treat them like enemy taking the children away from you. One way I have used is to do things the other way round. Suppose the parent having care and control gives up to the other party - now, what will be acceptable to you as a parent with access right? What would the other parent with care and control allow for access right? Think along those lines and think from the vantage point of the other parent - it is much easier to come to a compromise.

 

[clearskies]

Great advice!