Underground Relationship

pattywong

New Member
Hi all,

i am posting this problem on behalf of my friend. she has been with her bf for nearly 1 year but they are having a underground relationship. her bro and her bf are good friends. knowing that her bro will object to their relationship, they decide to go ahead and be together but secretly. they decide to let her brother know about their relationship only when they are more stable.

recently, her bf admitted to her that he is unable to have sex with her as he feels very pressurized and confused. he dont know why he cannot have sex with her. at the start of their relationship, their sex life was still fine.

its not that he is unable to perform it, but just not towards her. and it's not that she is not attractive or not good in bed. they have not been doing it for nearly 3 months already. he keeps thinking of this problem and is afraid that he may betray her if some other girls turn him on.

they are on the verge of breaking up due to this problem thou they love each other.
what should my friend do?
 


cococherry

New Member
Isnt it odd that the bf only started to feel pressurize now?
Her bro should know his best friend well, what's the reason behind his objection?
 

denise80

Active Member
Patty, I thought it's quite obvious here? No?

To me, these are just lousy excuses by the bf who is about to dump her. "he keeps thinking of this problem and is afraid that he may betray her if some other girls turn him on." -> This sentence tells me so. Basically the bf is just saying that your girl friend is no longer attractive to him. Yes, she may be attractive but just not to him now. He has lost feelings for her.

What should your friend do?
My advice is for her to cut her losses and open her eyes bigger and find a better man next time.
 

simpleman

Active Member
Obviously the brother may now something she does not know?

But frankly speaking, who cares about what brother is thinking? that is besides the point and I wonder the relevance of the brother approving or not approving the relationship - unless there is some obvious thing that the brother is aware of the boyfriend that your friend is blind about?
 

denise80

Active Member
Patty, I believe the bf is contemplating a break up and still wants to be friends with the brother (that's how and why the bro is probably in the picture). Since he has lost interest in the girl, he also stopped bedding her, probably because he didn't think it's appropriate and still hopes to be friend with the bro. It could be his lousy way of trying to break up with your girl friend. Anyway, given this 'tactic' he sounds young and so is your girl friend. If they are indeed quite young and not that mature, my deduction should not be far off.
 

vios

New Member
it's like a not-so-subtle hint to having sex with other girls

maybe the brother knows his good friend's promiscuous nature, hence he tries to "protect" his sister, but litte does he knows, it is too late liao
 

scopefun

New Member
è€æŽ‰ç‰™çš„招数……
玩腻了就一大堆借å£ã€‚
是时候找新目标了。

Your friend is cheap and easy leh... don't mind me being so obvious. LOL~
 

susanna_low

New Member
at the start of their relationship, their sex life was still fine.

After "eat" finish le, still stay on for wat. It's v obvious that the bro probably noe wat kinda man he was. A experienced player told me, "a man interest will not exceed more than 3 months if he only see her as a fb".

Will any bro allow his friend to "eat" the sister?

Move on.
 

soisuka

New Member
I'm just curious...how is this case different from the other cases where the posters say sex is very infrequent or posters (the girl) has to initiate all the time?
 

susanna_low

New Member
If a guy is serious abt her, why he has to keep it underground? so that it will be more convenient for him to "hunt"ard?
 

soisuka

New Member
hmmm...but isn't it a general rule that a bro's sister is off limits regardless of who or what character the friend is of? It's the same rule where a man will generally not go after another man's girlfriend even when they have ended. (of cos there are exceptions)

So wouldn't it be a bit presumptuous to immediately think he is up to no good? We also don't know if he or she suggested to keep it underground.

Although the inability to have sex with her part is very questionable.
 

susanna_low

New Member
Depends wor coz if the man is serious about her, I don't see why he has to hide from her family.

Even if it's a breakoff, make it a mutual and ambicable one.

There's no need to be sneaky.
 

susanna_low

New Member
I feel it will only complicate the whole matter.

The best, like the other said, cut the losses n move on, it's not even worth it to waste more a single tear, a second on a man like him.
 

denise80

Active Member
So wouldn't it be a bit presumptuous to immediately think he is up to no good?

Soisuka, I don't, like some others, call you stupid but I really wonder if you have sound judgment here?

"he keeps thinking of this problem and is afraid that he may betray her if some other girls turn him on." --> This indicates strongly that he's up to no good. If your bf tells you this, what would you think, Soisuka? How would you feel? Will you show a lot of empathy and perhaps even sympathy and go 'Poor thing, it must be me..I must help you find back that horny feeling towards me'? Had this statement been made by the girl instead of the guy, I wouldn't have judged the guy that way. I would at least think they probably have miscommunication or other problems in the relationship.
 

susanna_low

New Member
its not that he is unable to perform it, but just not towards her. and it's not that she is not attractive or not good in bed. they have not been doing it for nearly 3 months already. he keeps thinking of this problem and is afraid that he may betray her if some other girls turn him on.

Morn peeps!

Soisuka, I think so too.

If only he could tell her the truth n there's no need to sugar coat the words, it's a good thing to let her know so that she don't need to search for a closure too.

I can't understand the mentality of these guys, why can't they tell the truth without the fear of hurting instead of giving them false hope?

These guys have no qualms to say "I luv you", "sweet nothings", give empty promises but actions show otherwise, leaving the other party hanging on there. This type of r/s can drag on for ages without a clean break till the other party found a better reason to move on or slowly stale off.

If a guy is into the gal, he will show her the actions and not thru words. Words are cheap while action is for real.

Denise, I feel that the guy is detaching out of the r/s. To refuse in having sex is to refrain her from going deeper into the r/s.
The fact that he say he might be turned on by the other gal is to let her be mentally prepared. He will move on when he find another better one eventually and holding back the truth/r/s is based on the fact that she's his friend's sister.
 

scopefun

New Member
Ting Yi,

"I can't understand the mentality of these guys, why can't they tell the truth without the fear of hurting instead of giving them false hope?"

You want the bro to come whacking him? LOL~

To stupid girls, of course you use the drag tactics... Truth hurts, lies don't.

Actually...

Many of you are married, but have you wondered if your husbands are thinking the same... that he'd be turned on by other girls? LOL~

Kekekekeke~

Actually, if a guy is into a girl... how long can a guy be into a girl???

Considering this... after only 3 months, there is no sex... how to enter a marriage of forever? The guy is very honest already...

I focked enough, time to go, please don't tell your brother...
 

denise80

Active Member
Yes, I agree with you, Ting Yi. The only good thing about this guy is at least he refrains from intimacy with her as a tactic to make the girl give up eventually.

I think it's quite clear to all what is happening here so Soisuka, I don't understand why you can't see it? If you can't see it, if such things happen to you personally, all the more you may not see it because you're in the problem yourself. You really have to open your eyes big big and gain more experiences out there to prevent being conned in your future relationships with men I think.
 

pattywong

New Member
nothing last forever isnt it?

how can someone stay faithful? no? the meaning of faithful seems to be alienated.
 

denise80

Active Member
Patty, are you talking about your friend or is this your own story?

You seem to be quite affected by your friend's incident. Don't be. Not all men are the same. Not all relationships are lousy too.
 

simpleman

Active Member

nothing last forever isnt it?

how can someone stay faithful? no? the meaning of faithful seems to be alienated.


The first statement "Nothing last forever.." yes this is a fact. An undeniable truth.

The second statement or question: "how can someone stay faithful? no? faithful seems to be alienated"

Don't mix the two. Men or Women can be faithful. It just takes a lot more to be committed to be faithful - that is all - even though nothing is forever, including love. But to be faithful is a choice - we can make it so or otherwise.
 

scopefun

New Member
Denise80 is right and wrong lah, Patty.

All men are the same, it's just short or longer they 'lie' to their partner. When Denise80 is 45yo, got wrinkles, withering, dry, you think her man will not start getting turned on by sweet young things out there?

But while all men are like that... there are men who have the hearts for you.

You can find a faithful man, but really... almost all women started out in marriage thinking their men will be faithful and omit the need to pay attention to find faithful spouses.

You have to spend good time and be very mature in your choice.

When you need to think of 'how can someone stay faithful' after your choice, then you are finished.

Remember, for a woman, the good old years are only that short, then you have the long long ugly old years. Use the good old years to find the One.

Your friend is just cheap and easy and naive lah... She very lucky not like that Maia Lee got children... LOL~

Learn from your friend's mistake, seriously seek out that man who can love you forever.
 

simpleman

Active Member
Since when did I mention him?

But for no reason, you always bring up Maia Lee and the fact that she has children ...
 

soisuka

New Member
Actually I'm also agreeing that the Rs is heading for the dumps. But I don't quite feel like this is a true account of events, bcos its posted by 'her friend'. Sorry if I'm a bit more reluctant to judge someone as scum here.

Its very rare for a true bro to even contemplate dating another's sister. So either he isn't a true bro or he really did risk it in the name of love.

Patty also mentioned he can get it up watching porn. Could he be addicted to porn and masterbation?

He could or could not be scum, he may or may not be trying to break up with her. I just wanted present a different side of the coin. Bcos u guys are more understanding in other non sex or little sex cases, I wonder why the change here.....

She can a) tell the brother if she thinks he's scum
B) pretend nothing is wrong, if he really wants to break up w her, he will slip c) just dump him
 

simpleman

Active Member
Soisuka,

I agree that it is presumptuous to pass judgement yet on whether the man in question is a scum.

Just not much information to judge although I can't understand the need for "underground" - there could be other reasons not shared...
 

susanna_low

New Member
Eh..actually not that he's scum enough to abuse her, just that his ways of handling r/s should be more straightforward instead of giving crap excuses fr undergrd r/s till unable to hv sex but able to watch porn/turn on by other gals. V crappy..

She's been smoked fr day 1.
 

simpleman

Active Member
Actually, 'why can't a man cannot have sex with a woman"?

It is possible. And yes he can have sex with other woman or even masturbation but just can't do it with that particular woman. It may be a crappy excuse but it is possible.
 

soisuka

New Member
If a guy masturbates 3 or more times a day, how u expect him to still get it up for his gf??

Not to mention other psychological reasons that causes it... for instance what if he starts seeing her more as a sister over time....I would assume that will kill any desire he has for her.... Or worse, he realizes he really loves the brother ROFL

I had a friend who kissed and made out w a girl, he called me after, a late night long dist call no less, to tell me how distressed he was bcos after he did it, he realized he isn't actually into her, but she is completely smitten. Years later, he came out of the closet.
 

simpleman

Active Member
ting yi,

But TS did not state any more info.. the relationship is fishy.. but there is not enough info to pass any quick judgement...
 

soisuka

New Member
Yeah...i agree too little info....very fishy indeed, maybe its the guy fishing for more pathetic excuses?? *wink*
 

susanna_low

New Member
sm, the best person to know will be TS herself, outsiders could only pass comments based on wat she posted. One good way to test is to bring the r/s to light.

My friend once met a guy who's like that too. In the initial stage, he's v attentive and seem like a perfect bf to woo her.
Then out of sudden, he change his attitude and when my frd confronted him, he attributed to work, busy blah blah blah...btw he refrained fr intimacy with her, just like a normal friend.
Then when she's about to give up, he returned with sweet nothings to her again, exactly not really sweet nothings but report on every little thing on his meeting, his work and what he have been doing like daily report? Even though he's on business trip, he will report to her every single day and also while he's on entertainment.

This goes on and off for about a few months. This made her really very upset as she doesn't know what's going on.
Just when they stopped contacting for a few months, he contacted her again. Lastly she decided to wake up n broke off all contacts with the guy. Until now, she still can't fathom on what that guy is thinking about.
If sex, he never even touch her...if $$, he's always the one paying and refused to let her pay a single cent. Btw he paid for us too when we's out drinking and send everyone of us home, quite gentleman.
 

susanna_low

New Member
Ur ex also like that? Perhaps for a fling okie but my friend is looking for a serious committed r/s, u noe those married type..

He say he's serious toward her but actions show otherwise?? Blowing hot and cold, somehow no matter how tired, he will still come n join us for drinks, send her home etc.

She want a stable committed r/s and not someone that leave her lingering on when to be able to see him again.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
there are reasons for keeping relationship underground. Need to find out why.

Honestly, its a pretty selfish thing, no one likes to be kept. Not as if he is some celebrity and its affecting his career.
 

soisuka

New Member
I thot poster say brother object? Maybe scared the brother will beat him up?

oh celebrity...maybe he is...how u know...maybe he's edison chen....wahahahaha
 

pattywong

New Member
Hi dear all thanks for the replies. In fact, the guy did not want to make known the r/s is because he wants to prove it to her bro that he is really serious about her. hence, have to wait for 1-2 years before he going to make known to her bro. The thing is a lot of his friends actually assured her that this guy is really serious about her. He has never been like that. Though he has been a play boy in the past. But right now this issue is tearing them apart. Even the guy himself do not know any reason why. He actually told my friend that if other guys were to tell him this, he will definitely think that the guys are trying to break off with the gfs. But in fact, this is not an excuse for him. Any solutions for them?
 

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