Un-filial DIL

[frustrateddil]

I have been married to my hubby for a 5 years. There has been ups and downs in the marriage and one of the greatest challenging is getting along with his parents.

To begin with, my hubby and his father could not get along since his teenage years.

Actually, my hubby is very filial. He loves his parents dearly - except that somehow there is communication breakdown. After I got married to him, I also bear the brunt from him father. He would scold me and tell me off in front of my young kids if he is not happy. He will pass sarcastic remarks about things he dont like.

Last month, a major quarrel broke-out. My FIL shouted at my hubby out of the blue - saying that he is not filial and threatened to dis-own him!
When everyone cooled down, we had a heart-to-heart talk.

Anyway, to please my FIL we do things such as
- buy his favourite food for him but he dint even say a word of thanks. Just eat a little.
- try to make conversation at dinner table like talk about what's happening in our lives, in our kids lives, etc bc FIL always say that we dont tell him thgs and exclude him from our lives. His reaction thus far is same as 5 years ago. Keep quiet when we talk. Dont join in conversation. But when got chance - give sarcastic remarks.

He says we dont address him in our convesration. So we try to address him - even thg he sounds weird ... like talking half way then must say, "Pa, what do you think. Is this a good idea" and all he does is keep quiet until my MIL nudge him and then he says, "Mmmm"

As fr me, I let down my pride so many time - eat, must place the food in front of him and say, "Pa..eat more. You try this dish..u will like" or "Pa, I am renovating my shop, want to invite you to take a look. Pls give me your opinion on colour scheme"

Hiaz! After a good 5 years. I am exhausted.

And the best thing is I have 2 sister-in-law who migrated overseas. One just came back last week.

She often points her fingers at us and tell us that we did not do a good job in taking care of his father/mother - always make them unhappy.

Whenever, my FIL complains, she will call from overseas and tell us that we shd do this, we shd do that ...

Well, now that she is back for hols, there has been some unhappiness. She wanted to talk to me and hubby tomorrow but I am not too keen to go bc I know its gonna be a session where she will accuse us and give suggestions on what we shd do to be filial sons and DIL.

But my hubby says, lets go and hear what she has to say and take the opportunity to present to her our problems.

So I 'act smart' and sent her an email to tell her that I really hope she will not prejudge us and give us a chance to present our case.

Instead, her husband replied and told me that I should NOT tell them how they should say or react!

I am really frustrated! Do everything also wrong.

Do our best but never good enough for FIL.

I just felt bad for my hubby. Who wants to fall-out with our own parents.

And to a great extend - all these problems can be taxing on the marriage as well.

What shd I do? Shd I continue to be nice to FIL and try to reach out to him for say ... till he is 6 feet undergrd? Or shd I BOCHAP him from now as I have done enough already!

Shd I still meet my SIL tomorrow?
Or shd I just leave my hubby to talk to his sister?

I am feeling so lousy and I felt stupid for feeling lousy bc I have done nothing wrong so why shd I be feeling so lousy!?

I am not saying tht I m a saint - that I am 100% filial and done nothing wrong towards my parents-in-law. I am sure I must have hurt them in someway or another - but in a family we do have tiffs and unhappiness but what follows quickly is forgiveness, right?

Well, all that I know is I am not perfect. But I am sincere.

Thanks for hearing me out. Typing out this entry helps alot.

 

[powder]

my thoughts from reading your 'solutions applied' brings me to think of a young grad going out in the working world and applying his textbook knowledge to real life realtime problems.

u seem to think a solution is A for problem A, and B for problem B. teacher say cannot, u act like a student... master says do this, u act like a servant.

just from your post, i can't find a basic respect to accord u, becos u dun even respect yourself enough to be more truthful in your actions. i find it kinda fake and forced, rather than sincere and keen.

eat also fake, talk also fake, and since meeting sil tomoro, why need to pre-send emails to her? just thrash things out when time comes... if she misunderstand, tell her she misunderstood... why need to early early send such meaningless emails.

if teacher ask u go her room after school becos of your poor grades, u need to send teacher email to ask her not to scold u too hard later when u go in? where is your EQ? is that even necessary? or before u go before a judge to answer certain cases, u think u can email and explain to them first? or if boss ask u to the room... u pre-email them to ask boss to be lenient first??

i buy my mum or in-laws their fav food becos i know they'll like it, but to expect them, their generaion, to say thank u before and during the eating... is abit dumb, isn't it? what do u want FIL to say? " thank u thank u, u guys so kind??? " the consumption itself should tell u something... cos if i really dislike u, do u think i'll eat the food u bought simply becos it's my fav food? i would rather go out and eat the same thing myself...

u should learn how to read some signals, than to expect everything to be worded to u like a textbook.

 

[xylon]

家和万事兴 - 蔡礼旭è€å¸ˆä¸»è®²
http://blog.sina.com.cn/s/blog_62a8e17e0100gqdb.html

 

[xylon]

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能真正懂得礼让的人，人生é“路越走越宽…越广…

http://www.dfg.cn/gb/cszd/rjgx/rjgx-2.htm

 

[xiao_nu_ren]

AngryBirds,

I do agree with Powder. A real filial child do stuff for their parents straight from their heart. Be it whether it's being appreciated or not. And will not care whether parents being fair or not to them.

I have a father whom is super prejudiced towards boys in the family. Though I was the most pampered daughter of his, but if I want to compare, I will vomit blood now. But I love him, and provide whatever I can to him, as long as it's within my financial means.

I have a mother whom is unaware that she is super biased towards her 2nd daughter as compared to the rest of her 3 daughters. But I love her so much. So much that even though at the end of the day, I bother to go stay with her for a night and have to be the one to serve her throughout... I'm contented. Cos my mother is around for me to argue with.

I stay with my Mother In Law. In her eyes, my hubby can never match up to the rest of her 2 sons. WHom stay away from her. They are always better. They always give her allowance, whereas we don't. We eat overnight food or have to eat out whenever she's not cooking. But whenever the 2 sons come, she can cook enough to feed 30 people. But, I'm thankful that she's around... COs at least there is someone whom my hubby can laze around with at night to chat with. SOmeone whom my hubby can argue with whenever he likes it. Someone my hubby can 'sainai' to whenever he feels tired at work. And for me, as daughter in law, I whip up dishes for her. I buy her clothings during CNY which she proudly wears it and show it around, telling ppl of my good 'auntie' taste. I buy her favorite food whenever I see it during shopping. And she will eat it while at the same time complaining that I'm making her fat. Smile and shrug off. Cos, at least she's there to make all these fuss.

I have a Father in law, whom always label my husband as the most useless. Most not successful man. Most irresponsible. But then, when he's out of work, my hubby puts money into his wallet. When he's at home, my mother in law is out, I will whip up dishes for him and endure his comparisons on how far fetch my skill is as compared to Mother in law's. I buy his favorite snacks... he will eat it quietly, not even saying thank you. And now, he just suffered a stroke. He spills everything he eat. But I still smile and wipe those spills off, clean off his drool... HOld him everywhere he walks.... Cos, at least he's around to argue with my kids. And show his signature 'where's his eyes when he smiles' smile....

My hubby and me were the least appreciated couple in his family. But our sentiments is, so what?!! Must we get acknowledged in everything that we do?

人在åšï¼Œå¤©åœ¨çœ‹ã€‚。。
问心无愧阿。。。

My brother in law just called us and ask, how is father now? FYI, my father in law was hospitalised since last Wednesday. And he only visited my father in law last Saturday. For just half an hour. To my siblings, they just reacted with, 'WHAT?!! Is this how they treat their father?!!' To me and my husband.... At least we are around for them.

In this world, there's nothing to be compared about. Nothing to complain about. THe world is changing. Who knows how long more you can live till? I love everyone around me. I love my life now... I treasure every moments. At least, when it's time.... I know, I had led a life, where I owe no explanations....

 

[sundownprince]

Chilling queen's attitude is commendable!

 

[denise80]

Can't help but to agree...never have expectations and you wouldn't be disappointed or upset.

Do things that you truly mean and don't expect a thank you. That should be the way..otherwise, don't take it to heart.

The part about sisters-in-law meddling in this matter is indeed not pleasant. Apart from doing a self-reflection on how you can improve the situation on your part, be more tactful when you speak to them. I think you've some sort of prejudice already before you speak to them. Not a good way to start.

One question you need to ask yourself will be...do you really treat his parents like yours wholeheartedly? Or, do you still think they're HIS parents and your 'IN-LAWS'?

Also, you need to ask yourself...are you receptive to advice here? You didn't seem receptive to your sisters-in-law's advice for instance. Will you consider our advice here or are you just trying to vent your frustrations and hope we will all support you or ask you to continue to tolerate? If you're just finding someone who would agree with you, pity you and sayang you and give you advice that you want to hear, then I'm afraid many might just do the opposite.

 

[denise80]

Interesting sharing by chilli queen. I, too, from young never really had my dad's love. He favoured the eldest and the youngest. Yes, middle child syndrome. Somemore I was born during a time when he's really down on his luck and being superstitious, he never liked me. Instead of going against him, I work really hard during my growing years to be in his favour. Surprisingly, when I turned 21, he gave me a first birthday present (from him I mean). All along my siblings would receive birthday presents each year except for me. I believe I must have proved to him over the years that I'm not an additional burden to the family but in fact, I'm the one who has been contributing the most to the family, whether it's monetarily or emotionally or with house chores.

Now that I'm married, I take my in-laws as my parents with the exception that I'm even more respectful. Of course as compared to my own family, my in-laws are actually easier to get along with so I'm really fortunate.

 

[thommy]

chilli queen, I'm beginning to think whether you're a saint...haha. very commendable indeed. keep it up!

denise, I feel for you. I can imagine all those years w/o receiving a present from your dad..it must have really hurt. good that you've put those to one side now. your in-laws are the icing on the cake!

 

[xiao_nu_ren]

Thomas, Ha ha... don't say that of me. It's all the positive influence I'd received throughout my childhood (Thanks to my mum). And now, I hope to pass it down to my sons.... I'd gone through so many unfortunates in life. Cheating husband, losing my baby during the last term of pregnancy... Nothing is more important than treasuring now, and treasuring those whom are still around.

As most always say, it's always too late to regret, when our love ones are already gone. It's too painful to live through that regret.

 

[xylon]

Chilli Queen: well done, keep it up!

 

[wat_are_dreamz]

Chilli Queen: wow, i'm v impressed. Its not easy to give without needing to be appreciated, so long as ur conscience is clear n u are happy. Well done. We all have smthg positive to learn from u. =>

 

[frustrateddil]

Thank you for taking time to reply to my thread. I have read thg the entries several times.

Powder, thanks to you especially for pointing out how miserably feeble and how fake and insincere my attempts to please my PIL.

I have done some soul searching over these 2 days. I admit - its all fake and insincere!
I did all the pleasing for various reason other than the one important reason - that is to love my PIL like my own parents.

I guess all relationship starts with being 'fake' or should I say, a cordial one. Overtime, as you grew to know the person, you invest time & emotions, etc and then it grew into a relationship.

Unfortunately for many reasons, my relationship with my PIL did not go beyond the first stage. The question is WHY? Have I done my part as a DIL? Have I really try to love and care for them like my own parents? Have I treated them well? Make them feel welcome and open my hearts to them? Basically, I asked myself, have I tried to treat them with sincerity?

I ONLY have myself (and my hubby) and GOD to answer to.

I dont need to answer to my SILs. They may think that I am un-filial but that's their thoughts and I have decided to waste no effort in changing their thinking bc I dont owe them any explanations. What they think should not affect how I treat my PIL.

For now, my decision is, I shan't FAKE this whole sincerity shit-stuff anymore.
Will I continue to be nice to them? YES! because I am by nature a kind person and I treat my staff, my friends, etc with kindness.

Lets just use this analogy.

I have a house. The doors are always open.

In the past, I will try to roll the red carpet for them, throw rose petals when they walk down the aisle, etc (the feeble & insincere stuff...)

Now, I will just let them know, my doors are still open. If they want to come in, they are most welcome. And when they are in my house, I will cook my best dishes for them, serve them their fav coffee and make them feel comfortable.

Chilli Queen, thanks for sharing your experiences. Its truly impressive - to love without condition and I shd bear this in mind with my dealings with my PIL henceforth.

Last month, my MIL celebrated her birthday. We took her out for fine Chinese cuisine (in a restaurant where my co entertains only foreign investors - bc its very costly). But hubby and I tot - its ex but its his mom and we want to make her feel special n happy. And, recently, when she saw a branded bag of mine, she complimented it - so I thought - ok, maybe I shd get her one of the same brand too. She did enjoyed the dinner but when she unwrapped my present - disappointment was written all over her face. And the rest of the evening was less than pleasant, bc she showed black face all the way and dont want to tell us what's wrong. Its the kind of "I am not happy, and I dont want to tell u why I am not happy" mode.

Honestly, do we expect her to say, "Thank u hor, son, DIL for treating me to a nice ex restaurant, etc, etc...u all so filial, I will broadcast to all my frenz, relatives, ....." NO LAH! We dont. (When I meant my FIL dint even say a word of thanks in my first post, I had not meant it in this manner).

But at least appreciate the effort we put in to organize the whole event by not sulking. Not happy wth the bag - actually, not a problem. Just tell me, and I will gladly occampany her back to Chanel to exchange another piece. If cannot exchange then, can pick something else that she likes, I also dont mind.

Sorted some thoughts. Might need to fine-tune my thoughts further.

They are my parents IN LAW. They did not bring me up. They have no contribution whateva in my life. BUT, they brought my hubby up. My hubby must be filial to them, and as his wife, I will support my hubby in whateva manner I can.

Will his sisters take care of them when they are abit older? bed-ridden? I dont know. But if my hubby wants to take care of his parents - yes! I will support that decision and I will welcome them to stay with us. In fact, we are already constructing our home's 3rd level to shift the kids to the upper level and let them stay at the bottom level so that they dont need to climb stairs. But will I clean after them? Wipe their saliva when they droll? At this point in time - I dont know. In future when and if it happens - nobody know?

 

[xylon]

"They are my parents IN LAW. They did not bring me up. They have no contribution whateva in my life. BUT, they brought my hubby up. My hubby must be filial to them, and as his wife, I will support my hubby in whateva manner I can."

Well done AngryBird, even if your in-laws sulk and did not appreciate you, you know GOD will be nodding his head in agreement with what you are doing. Keep it up.

 

[powder]

AngryBirds,

u might be too much of a text-book person...

it's your EQ and ability to read pple... someone tells u your bag is nice, does not mean they like that bag and think it's suitable for them nor would they desire it.

think it's better u dun read things at face-value. that should be able to make things easier...

 

[miloice]

haha.... with my mum... no one is really appreciate by her. But, as her children, we love her nevertheless. No matter what kind of ridiculous scolding and treatment we are getting. We just want the best for her. Many times, I'm very hurt by the things she said or behave. Not always because she is hurting us directly. But because we feel her loneiness, misery and understand her problems from her pov. Its very tough for her too.

Often, its a very lan lan situation. We can't do more to help. We still try our very best even when things seem completely hopeless.

 

[denise80]

Sigh how about handling a mum who's totally in her own world? I'm talking about someone who rather chats with her online friends, play facebook games and maple story but always rush through dinner with us or if not don't want to eat with us because her computer is more important? (out of point I know but I'm feeling very exasperated and I'm beginning to show impatience towards her)

 

[matka]

Denise, hahaha. Did you guys do that to her when you were teenagers?

 

[denise80]

Yes, Matka...must be retribution now... LOL

 

[mirrorcelcius]

old people tend to think they know better than the young one. when they still can walk and work they will act like god toward young ones. but after they barely breathing and even go to toilet. they will treat you like a king, just simply they need you now more than ever. by trying to find all sort of troubles just to get your attention.

if something went wrong, what they say is " it is for your own good." and you are my kid and i care for you and i know what is the best for you.

what they don't know, they have the right ends with the wrong means. so fukcup.

there is nothing wrong to argue or disagree with the old people. they have their own way so do you. this is not about respect and honor. if the old one can not even repect the young one, why should we do to them ?

just like mine, my parents even never see my wife. even the photo, my wife never meet my parents. i told both of party. each one of you is not important toward each other. so you both don't have to know each other. even any party i never invite my wife.

my wife and my parents is 2 different things. i don't mix. same treatment with my father in law. the less we met the better it is.

like happend with one of my friends parents. during coma. we just unplug the cable and let them sleep forever. peace at last.

 

[miloice]

u seem to be unfeeling to your loved ones frankly.

 

[denise80]

mirrorcelcius, you sounded like someone I know. You must have had some unhappy past with the elderly...or parents.

 

[powder]

it's so cool when mirrorcelcius dies!

the funeral will not be a funeral but a get-to-know-one-another session.... lots of handshakes and introductions, perhaps exchange of namecards too... nice to know relatives u never knew u had, or maybe a half-sister even...

perhaps a campfire setting would be more appropriate and everyone can hold hands and sing Rainbow Connection....

the coffin can be used to start the campfire...

 

[miloice]

well, holding to unhappy past will be the stupidest thing to do. Our future is in our hands. We don't live in the past but the present.

 

[the_giving_tree]

I'm going to be very frank and say this: Let's not kid ourselves and think everyone can show the same affection to their in-laws like their own parents because the bonding is not there. However, we can treat our in-laws with decency, even if we are not particularly fond of them.

To the threadstarter, I do not know your family situation very well but you may want to consider if your FIL's actions are attention-seeking or perhaps even due to old age. Or it may even be a personality clash between father-and-son. Whatever the case, I suggest you do not take it personally. I don't think you have to go all the way out to please them every time because it is going to be very tiring. If you sense your MIL does not like the present, just ask her politely if she wants to exchange it for another. If she keeps mum and continues to sulk, well, there's nothing you can do really, can you? Just remind her that if she wants to exchange it, she can do so within a certain time period. And then leave it as that.

As for siblings-in-law, I understand how you feel. I have a BIL, who has also emigrated overseas, and all he does is to tell us how to do this and do that, 10,000 miles away. Let your husband handle his own sisters. As long as your conscience is clear, I think you should just stay out of the picture.

Sometimes, when we look at others in a worse situation, we may begin to think that our own situation is not that bad after all. My close friend's MIL has threatened to kill her with a chopper (holding the chopper in her hand)!

So, loosen up!