Trust...

serene_ho

Member
Hi All

Im with my bf for 2 years now, he is separated from his wife and we having been living together for about 1 year. He goes to see his kids every 2nd day.

The issue is...i have trust issues. as becos my previous relationships i have been betrayed by 3 different bf.

we argue over the same topic all the time. nearly every week. He use to assure me theres nothing going on between him and his ex anymore. That he only just there to see the kids. But recently we argue again over the same topic he decided not to assure me by not texting or calling me anymore. of course i feel insecure. He feels insecure when i see my guy frens too. We are now like frens...its becoming very trying just to talk.

i no longer know wat trust is.... he tried his best to proof to me but i still kick up a fuss when he has to go family gatherings with his kids and ex-wife. i should be more understanding if i have chosen this road.

anyway...how do i start to trust? where do i start? been burnt too many times that i learnt to trust no one. but i really wan this relationship to work so i gotta start doing something about it.

thanks for your advice in advance...
 


serene_ho

Member
Thanks cuclainne,
i just do not know how to bring down these invisibe walls that ive built to protect myself.

Like they say, how can a relationship work without trust...i cant be relying on him to assure me all the time. Its a mind game....sigh
 

ajumma

New Member
Can you join the family gatherings with him and his ex? This would be a good assurance and you can get to know her better too. After all, he is going to be in touch with her for a long time due to the kids. Since nothing he said can "prove" his innocence, offer to join them and see for yourself.
 

infojunkie

Active Member
"Can you join the family gatherings with him and his ex?"

she's just a gal fren, not family... i see this as an invasion of privacy.

btw, it's not the ex-wife's duty to make her ex's spoilt little gal fren happy
happy.gif
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
Love like you have never been hurt. If you can't, be alone. You see, no one can hurt you when you are alone.

My bf is also in separation from his wife. On the contrary, I would be very worried if he doesn't spend time with his daughter or talk with the wife.
 

serene_ho

Member
somehow i kinda agree with sm and doll...be alone since i cant trust and no one can harm me this way.

i guess i really blew it. He has never not call or text me. its been a week.

its hard not able to trust, its no longer whether i love him or he love me. without trust no relationship will work.

no self help books will tell me how to gain trust...i gotta learn it on my own. even i dont do it for this relationship i gotta do it for the future.
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
"i guess i really blew it. He has never not call or text me. its been a week."

Don't get it. Aren't you guys living together?
 

ajumma

New Member
junkie,

I don't think there is a need to draw the line so clearly between girlfriend and family. It would be good for the kids too if the exes can ask their new partners to join in family gatherings.

The new partners could become the future stepmums or stepdads to the children. Since Serene and the man are in a serious relationship, it would be alright for her to join in to build her ties with the family, provided that the ex-wife is comfortable with it.

Of course, this suggestion is only suitable if the divorce was quite amicable and both parties have moved on.
 

serene_ho

Member
doll yes we are living together, but he would text and call me thruout the day. sad that little things like that that helps a relationship has to stop. now its all me wondering wat he is doing...
 

infojunkie

Active Member
"Of course, this suggestion is only suitable if the divorce was quite amicable and both parties have moved on"

amicable or not, u just dun drag everyone in to fix ur own problem. it is ur problem.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
no one can break the walls for you. He can be understanding and patient to make the transition easier. But, you need to take the steps to break free. There need to be some progression for him to free motivated instead of a vicious cycle to feed your insecurity. You need to be getting better through his assurances and learning to cope with your insecurity. You cannot depend on him to to make you feel assured reporting to you every movement.

Your paranoid state of mind is a major psychological barrier. Do see a shrink and get professional help if it needs to. You need to want it bad enough to take initiative step by step to learn to trust again. There is no magic that can reprogram your mind.

The need to wonder and know where & what he is doing is irrational. Just as parents needs to learn to let go of the control of their children. Fighting it doesn't help. You must take the steps bit by bit.
 

serene_ho

Member
i think since kids are involved it would be best if the parents and partners get along. no matter wat the parents still need to see/talk to each other for the kids sake. and whether their partner accepts or not they really do not have a choice. if they have chosen to be with a guy/gal with kids. No matter wat its their flesh n blood.

so i think in future if we are still together i will want to see the ex-wife one day. to make it easier for everybody. esp him....i know its easier said than done. Anyone in this situation needs to have a "big heart" to accept....
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
It has more to do with how rational and stable a person is. If they easily waiver and react to situations around them, they will always be struggling to cope with the environment because its forever dynamic.

You don't need a big heart. You just need to see open and accept that worrying over things beyond your control only screws up your life. You want a better life, then go for it and not against it. As mentioned earlier, it doesn't happen overnight. Its a growing process. The world is bigger than your own emotions. No one owe u anything to make it any easier for you. The sooner you realize that, the less you would expect him to spoon feed and sayang you all the way. The more you learn to deal with your insecurity, the more you will learn to trust and let go.
 

serene_ho

Member
Hi milo, thanks fr yr wisdom. yes i do feel that i have become too reliant on him. i really wanna stop all this insecurity, i dont want to drive him away. if i dont change, it doesnt matter love plays a part in the relationship or not.

He has already given countless times to change.

i have promised him so many times that i wont be so insecure, but it only takes a few days to break that promise.

Im sad that i have this issue, becos in every relationship, be it with bf, gr, parents, friends, kids, yr pets, boss...the basic foundation is trust.
 

nichie

Member
Hi, Serene

Have you done an analysis why your past 3 relationships failed? Has it occur to you that your suspicious or non-trusting nature could be part of the reason? From the scenario written and your behavior now, I am not optimistic about your 4th and latest relationship and worst with a divorcee with kids, more complicated. If you even have problem with single man (assuming) in your previous relationships, what make you so sure you are able to handle a divorcee with kids? His contact with his ex and kids will be for life, can you handle that? I understand the pressure on you to make it right this time after so many failed attempts, you will be more paranoid then before and a single little things will arouse your suspicion. I don’t understand, what make you so sure about having a higher chances of success with a divorcee with kids than a clean slate single guy? Should avoid divorcee with kids at all cost, not worth the effort and time as seem in other threads, nothing but trouble. Anyway, is learning to let go when you have no complete confident of this guy’s action considered trust? To me, not trust but resigning to fate.
 

oneder

New Member
Sometimes it is easier if you mentally switch role with him. Treat him the way you want him to treat you. Trust him the way you want him to trust you. And of course it must be accompanied by actions. ie. Be faithful to him like you want him to be faithful to you.

Now ask yourself, if he is treating you the same way you treat him, will you betray him?
 

powder

Active Member
1) your walls protect yourself meh? i dun see u feeling too happy with the walls

2) u very old bird with 3 bfrens who betray u meh? have u seen it all? perhaps the common thing with your 3 bfrens is You. your constant questioning - even if i dun eat outside, i Might As Well eat outside.

3) what's wrong with getting hurt? it is better to let others hurt u, than u hurt yourself And others with your behaviour.

4) he's separated, not divorced. he has kids, not just his wife.

5) u have alot of time on your hands, and your life revolves around your guy. it will be dangerous for u going forward.
 

infojunkie

Active Member
"so i think in future if we are still together i will want to see the ex-wife one day. to make it easier for everybody. esp him....i know its easier said than done. Anyone in this situation needs to have a "big heart" to accept...."

well, the ex-wife has the right to reject this idea
happy.gif


it's not a matter of not hving a "big heart". it's abt the Right to decide whether or not to assign someone some placement in ur life.
personally, i dun entertain uninvited guests showing up at my door.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
serene, what is the value of promises? Promises means nothing when one doesn't take the effort to fulfill them. You see the problem, but do you take discipline and effort to see through them?

Issues we face in life are never easy. Often, when faced with them, the 1st reaction is always overwhelming. BUT, we when overcome them, we become more confident. We learn to realize that no matter how tough the situation is, don't let our emotions get over us. The more you feel sorry for yourself, the worser it is going to be for you. Instead, get a grib over yourself and set small goals that are achievable. Personally, I'm having some major difficulties in my family right now. Its a really sticky and difficult situation that has haunted us since childhood.

But, through the yrs, tears have ran dry. I am not dwelling on the negativity but still trying to improve the situation. I know and understand the limitations and difficulties and do not expect miracles. We just try to achieve the best possible outcome in the given situation. Sometimes, the outcome can be surprising good. But, my heart is already prepared for the worst outcome. So, its easy to celebrate every minor success.

Don't do things with the expectation of good returns. The disappointment comes with it. We cannot control the outcome. Do because you feel its the right thing to do and expect nothing. Be prepared for the worst. Only then, would you stop needing him to give you constant reassurances. Regardless how the relationship turn out, you can still learn to let go and trust again. It has more to do with yourself than the external.
 

simpleman

Active Member

"so i think in future if we are still together i will want to see the ex-wife one day."


You can't even handle your man. You want to handle his ex? You must be kidding right...

And why you think his ex-wife will want to see you?
 

powder

Active Member
not even EX yet. and i'm not even sure why they separated... all this meeting of pple isn't even meant to be sincere, seems more like to know if the other party poses a threat...
 

matka

Member
If you can't handle the baggage, don't pick it up and check it in. If you really must fly, look for something more manageable. Otherwise, fly empty-handed.

Trust is about love. Being giving. Your feelings for him is possession. It's keeping him for yourself, not giving your love to let him be free to take care of his children. So he tells you that he's there for the kids. What reason has he given you to mistrust him?

You get into a relationship with a man because you feel secure, because you feel that he is a reliable person and has been honest to you. If you keep feeling this sense of mistrust, then why do you get into it, knowing very well his past history and the situation he's in?

Did you not know his character before getting involved... and moving in with him in the first place?
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
At this rate, I don't think any sensible man will wanna involve you in his family gatherings with ex-wife and children. You may just fly off the handle then and there, giving everyone grief!
 

mum_of_2_girls

New Member
Hi Serene,

So many men out there, choose one who will make you happy and feel comfortable and natural.

It's tiring to change here and there, check here and there.
 

renerene

New Member
"no self help books will tell me how to gain trust...i gotta learn it on my own. even i dont do it for this relationship i gotta do it for the future."

Serene, what do you think of NLP (Neuro-linguistic programming)? It's supposedly capable of helping people alter their patterns of mental and emotional behaviour.

I must confess though, I've yet to attend any NLP course myself. Just posting for the sake of throwing ideas.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neuro-linguistic_programming
 

ajumma

New Member
Serene,

I think he doesn't want to reassure you further as he has already done a lot. If there are no grounds for your suspicions, try not to raise them up with him.

You could create a diversion for yourself by doing something else when you feel insecure.
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
"So many men out there, choose one who will make you happy and feel comfortable and natural."

Ultimately, the only person who can make us happy is ourselves. You can be with the greatest guy on earth, but if you just focus on his shortcoming, you will feel much discontentment instead.
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
On the contrary, I don't think Serene is unable to handle the baggage of the ex-wife and children, but whatever the man focuses in other than herself will make her feel insecure. Even if the bf were single but career-minded, she would probably start imagining that he is dating one of his colleagues when he is actually doing OT.

If this is so, then changing bf won't help at all.
 

serene_yam

New Member
She's just insecure about herself. And please, why should the ex-wife welcome you into the gathering? For what?

Curious also...what're the factors leading to the breakdown of the marriage? R u one of the factors? If yes, which ex-wife will welcome u? If not, then do something more for your own self-confidence. It's so tiring not to trust people. And it's even more tiring of ur bf having to answer ur endless counts of questions. Interrogating? What makes u not trust him? His behaviour?
 

denise80

Active Member
Sometimes it take more experiences, albeit heartwrenching ones, for one to wake up and change. To me, you just have to pray for one such experience to change. As long as you're with him or anybody, I doubt you would change.
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
Experience is not hat happens to you. It is what you do with what happens to you.

Kinda amazed that after the experience of three relationship betrayals, Serene Ho still did not realise that being a control freak does not keep a man with her.
 

powder

Active Member
control freaks like to refer to past precedences to justify their need to be in control... when they try to control things/pple tha cannot be controlled.
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
Be the moving target that he enjoys chasing after instead of making him the moving target that you have to give chase to. Let him come back to you for more, again and again, because he wants to (not because he has to). Never become the plague that he avoids at all costs.

Lose that control quickly of him. Be in control of your own life instead. When your own house is in order, you can have any man and won't need to control any particular man.
 

nichie

Member
ya...quite true...chasing is the guy job not us...when a guy is interested in you....they will make the move....dont need to control this and restrict that...sit back and relax
happy.gif
 

nichie

Member
no lah...people only attack you lah....you have 14328....wow...becareful people accused you of being too free hor....
 
ok so the story goes like this. u got 3 bf before.. that's a WOW and kana betrayed by 3 together a big WOW.

so this is the 4th bf so another WoW Wow... in the end all the boy left u....why not think about yourself first. maybe u r to be alone forever. let the boys be free, you said they betrayed u? let face the facts that IT'S their CHOICE to pick another girls since u r not married yet.

If u R GOOD they won't just go away or find another girl.
 

magiwaffle

New Member
Hi Serene

This happened to me before. I feel really sorry for myself. In the end, I decided to leave him. I love myself more than him. Try to be happy with your friends and family. Go out and meet new friends. I wish you good luck! :)
 

serene_ho

Member
hi all thanks for the feedback...i read every thread and thought about wat you guys said.

Milo - i hope yr family situation is improved.

so the situation now...i did try to put effort, small steps in terms of trust. but the demons in my head gets the better of me.

I think those of you who wrote that i should try being alone... i think you have a point there.

i feel very tired....i really wanted to put my trust in him...but its sad that i find myself not being able to.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Don't expect miracles. The self initiated step to want to change things within is a good start. If he is patient enough for you to grow together, that's good. Else, its still not the end of the road. We change and progress all the time. When you think back through the yrs. How many of us are the same as before?? We all hate the difficult times but if we honestly reflect upon them, we needed them. These are the very times that mould the person we are today.

I'm going through a new phase in my life. Its a difficult time for me experiencing the snowball of the family problems and at the same time anticipating something new. Its a struggle and difficult balance. Frankly, I had a crazy moment that I cracked and wanted to end it all. I saw a trailer ahead and so wanted to ramp my car right into it. There are always highs and lows. In tough times, the highs are not peak, just minor relieves and joys. Learn to appreciate even these moments.

Never give up. Some of the posts are hash reality, but u shouldn't give up. No one is a constant, we are all dynamic people in dynamic environment. Empower and challenge yourself. I did mention before I started off as a stalker that wasn't able to relate with people I'm attracted to. There are jokers in here that used my past I shared to ridicule me when my whole intention is to encourage others in difficulties to see beyond their current limitations. Don't under-estimate yourself.
 

vios

New Member
serene,

looks like you're playing your own mind games, if that's what you are referring to. mind you it's deterrent to building Trust when you usually have your own agenda for stuffs that requires certain understanding, first and foremost.

enjoy the ride, but don't expect it to be the same at all time.
 

loscar

New Member
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bedokboy

New Member
sorry TS, wanted to read the rest of the posts to try and have a better idea before I post but really too many.

I read somewhere which said you might be better off alone since you cannot trust. I disagree with that. Types like you if you cannot solve your problem, cannot be alone also. You may think you can, but shortly after, if there is a convenient source of admiration, you will entertain it and before you know it you will be in a relationship again.

Partly why you are so insecure is because you fear loneliness, so how to be alone??? This is clearly not the solution.

Trust, like confidence and faith and several intangible things, are built up over time. Lazily, I would say end this and start another realtionship on the right foot and learn to trust from scratch, for it is harder to trust someone you already don't and pretend the past never happened.

But if you are up for it, you may want to take it real slow. In my opinion, to trust, you have to first let go. This stems from your insecurity. So letting go means a few things. Means loving yourself, being happy with yourself, being happy with who you are, how you look, how you behave and react, how you are seen by friends, etc. Letting go also means you can be fine if this r/s does not work out so long as you know you tried your best and did not let anyone down. And that it was not your fault even though the other party may say you are not attractive enough, you did not do enough, did not trust enough, did not this or that. Letting go also means putting the past aside, whether there have been any incidents that strengthened your suspicions, let it go. If the other party has sufficiently communicated that he still wants to be with you then trust that verbal intent and work from there.

In life we cannot always see everything and hear everything. Hence we can never control others 100%. Hence we have these insecurity, trust issues. But we often fail to see the person we should be controlling is ourselves. Why do we always thing it's harder to control ourselves than others?

Weird isn't it?

happy.gif
 



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