Trust him? Am I paranoid?

[matka]

Outcast, better still... don't wait until say wanna get married already then go. Or if you do want to... at least don't go and happily book your wedding package and hotel banquet, pay money etc first and forget about this step ok? Do it before you make any bookings.

But you do sound like you're thinking beyond 'just enjoying' lah

 

[denise80]

Catholics are more relaxed. I think it's ok?

 

[nichie]

Keke...matka..sure I will remember...

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi ladies,

Although in my heart I don't really want the girl to join us. I still said yes and befriended her.

She even confided in me that my hubby didn't talk to her that much when she tried to chat him up.

I don't quite know how to handle this situation. So I comforted her and said it's not her problem just hubby has a quiet personality.

Ladies, can you imagine I'm that dumb? I just don't know how to be a witch to her. Help!!!!

-------------------------------------------------

Actually up to this day I still don't know why my hubby ended up with me when there are so many pretty, intelligent girls around him.

I still remember once that when he wanted to date me, I pre-warn him all my bad points in school. I'm at the bottom of the class in school all my life whereas he's a straight As student.

Even when I work hard, my grades were bad compared to others, which made me wonder how I managed to pass the interview and end up in his faculty.

-------------------------------------------------

Once, I was tidying up the house, I came across some very old photo albums of his. There were a lot of photos of the actress, Zhou Hui Min.

Do you think hubby marry me because I look a bit like Zhou Hui Min? It's depressing, isn't it?
Can't be he marry me because I'm dumb?????

I'm already in my early 30s, not 20s, a lot of my colleagues laughed and said that I still have an innocent, positive view of things.

But I just don't how to act like a sophiscated 30s lady.

I really clueless, guys please enlighten me?

Would you be with a dumb lady when there were so many pretty, smart, sophiscated ladies?

 

[denise80]

Albee, I'm a bit worried after reading your last post because how could you have married someone without knowing what he likes about you? Do you know what you like about him at least?

I thought it's very common for even dating couples to realise what they like about each other, their similarities, differences, peeves etc?

If two person got married mainly because of looks, then of course it might be tough throughout the marriage, which explains why you are feeling insecure now etc.

And yes, sorry to say, I do think you are quite naive. Are you like that only in relationships or generally like that in other areas of your life, Albee?

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi Denise,

He didn't elaborate on why he loves me. Does your hubby tells you what he loves about you?

In fact, the 1st time he said he loves me, I was so surprised and couldn't make any intelligent comment.

I just nodded my head and said ohh... dumbly but actually my heart was thumping away and I was very happy about it.

He always crack up over my dumb responses. Can't be he loves me because I'm dumb?????
Even after all these years, he still finds my opinions funny?
The thing is I never meant them to be a joke.

Do smart guys like to be with dumb girls???

However, I do ace in my work because my work place just need us to be kind and compassionate.
Maybe that's why I never learn how to be sophiscated.

Is sophiscation in-borne or can it be learned?
I think I will look very fake if I try to act sophiscated.

 

[denise80]

Yes, Albee. It's very common to ask or tell one another what we like about them right? Anyway my hubby will just say it now and then that he thinks I'm really cute (not in terms of looks but my overall behaviour including being aggressive, sarcastic, feisty, arrogant, clumsy etc) and unique.

Maybe he likes your innocence and ignorance? It's very simple, Albee. Just cuddle up to him tonight and ask him sweetly. To guide him, maybe you start off by telling him what you like or love about him?

The above to me is not sophisticated at all. We do it because we are very straightforward ppl. We express how we feel, even if it's not a romantic setting or what. So I'm not asking you to fake it.

Is he your first bf? You sound awkward to talk about love with your hubby? I'm a little confused here...

 

[infojunkie]

perhaps he's complex enuff to appreciate ur childlike simplicity... and u complement him

i'm not kidding...

just be urself and dun think too much abt nothing.

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi denise,

I did ask him before but he just laugh and never answer my question. Made me feel very stupid.

Because he tends to make fun of me, will you believe if I say after so many years, I have not utter the words " I love you " to him yet.

Although we are married for so many years, I still feel the awkwardness of courtship days.
Maybe because I have some inferiority complex.

It could be I was quite traumatized in my school days. The girls didn't want me in their group because I'm at the bottom of the class.

To make things worse, the guys would make the girls angry by joining me because I'm alone at the canteen table.

Actually, I quite nice to these girls, always helping them to carry their books or ran errands for them. Don't know why they didn't like me.

The girls were so angry when I got to the same faculty as my hubby when my grades were worse than theirs.

That's why when my hubby wanted to date me, I could hardly believe it because the other girls were much smarter and prettier.

 

[miloice]

Albee, where's that optimism and strong belief despite the situation? I sense you are losing that. Stop doubting yourself.

For me, what attracts me in a soul partner isn't how clever or pretty. Its the pureness in thoughts. Not in the sense of being naive. But, rather, between the couple, there is no plots and secret agenda. Her actions are plain frank, no need for stupid diplomatic talk. Someone I can completely trust to watch my back.

 

[opalstar]

Albee, probably who you are is what attracts him..Don't need to be a sophisticated woman of 30s,young at heart is good. some guys dun dig complicated woman.

I don't know if you are the way you are in forum but you strikes me as a positive soul. The way you view things can sooth a jaded soul. There is a comfortable feel about you maybe even like a breath of fresh air

Maybe you have been reading a little too much matters of the heart lately. Go and read some romance novels to counterbalance it.. I like the new books from Amanda Quick.

ermm.. Got people choose wife cos she look like Zhou Hui Min? I assume you look like her? Then you must be very pretty leh.. have more confidence la.

 

[ariel84]

Albee, he probably loves you just the way you are. Don't worry about what Zhou Hui Min or the SYT. It must be more than just looks that made him marry you.

You are not stupid la... just have a simple heart and way of looking at things. This is also the attractive thing about you, and I believe this is what draws your hubby to you.

Come on, if he wanted to marry a "sophisticated woman" he would have easily done so, right? From what you said, I think he is an attractive man and in the past got many girls interested in him. But he chose YOU because he wants You.

 

[susanna_low]

Albee, go listen the song "just the way you are"...

 

[nichie]

Albee, I don't agree with your befriending your hubby's gf method...its ok for normal friend be it male or female but if you already know that this gal has ulterior motive then you should draw the line for your hubby if he don't..if not, you are actually encouraging him to flirt with any gal that show interest in him blatantly..and he is expecting you to put up a smiling face to befriend these gals..he don't have any tiny ashame or hesistation on doing so because your action encourages him...has you ever thought whether he has any respect for you as his wife...there is certain thing we must be firm and state our limit..dumb and simple is ok and may be an attractiveness but I am sure you are not stupid to not know what is your core interest and self-respect...as I said the problem lies with your hubby and partially yours too...do you still want put a smiling face to befriend your hubby's 20s SYT when you are 40 or 50s?...it will be a very sad scene...c'mon Albee! You are better than tht...

 

[denise80]

I think we need to learn more about the context here first, Albee?

You see, the girl who made that comment that your hubby is a quiet person - does she give you the feeling that she's interested in your hubby or could it have been a very innocent remark because she doesn't know what else to talk to you about? Also, other than telling you that your hubby seems quiet, did she engage in any other conversation with you like finding out about your interests, your job etc like a normal friend would?

What if it's nothing and Albee suddenly acts up and becomes very defensive over nothing? Then trouble will indeed brew. But of course, if this gal is up to no good, then Albee has to start to get her defenses up, talk to her hubby or what.

 

[infojunkie]

the best thing to do is to do nothing...

cos ur hubby already knows what to do

keeping it simple is the best strategy for u.

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi junkie,

You are right. In the end, I really do nothing and she disappeared after 5 years. No contact, nothing, not even as a business client????

I feel quite sad for her. She waited for so long. From when we were singles, to marriage, to having 2 kids.

Sometimes, my hubby would ask me if she is married. I told him propably not because her most recent address is still her parents' address.

I don't know. I feel quite sad that she is not married. Don't know if hubby feels sad or not.

Hi ladies,

I can't plan elaborate scheme to follow my hubby or track his handphone without being discover. I wonder why a lot of the ladies here can do it without the hubby knowing.
I don't know, wouldn't it look quite cartoon????

 

[denise80]

Sigh, Albee, if nothing has happened since 5 years ago, then I think you are really worrying for nothing.

Chill. You're doing fine. If you have trust in your hubby, why do you need to track his handphone?

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi ladies,

Do you think some men are quite cruel to let a woman wait forever?

Why does the woman wait and wait ????

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi denise,

I'm just talking in general.

A lot of the ladies here seem to be tracking hubby's handphone. Is this the norm????

 

[denise80]

Huh? Are you sympathising with your hubby's gal friend now? Albee, you are quite contradicting in your thoughts.

Anyway, I don't track my hubby's phone. We are just open to one another and could access one another's phones etc anytime.

 

[infojunkie]

well, only men of great complexity (like her husband) can understand her, lesser souls like us can't...

God bless the "fukushima 200"...

 

[denise80]

Junkie, got it. I'm beginning to see the light.

 

[clark]

Albee is actually just a fool who thinks she is 'smart' by pretending not to be a fool.

Very sick of her nonsence, childish posts.

 

[miloice]

"Very sick of her nonsence"

well, its normal for your sick mind. Everyone is sick of your nonsense.

 

[denise80]

I see the opposite. I think Albee is a smart person who pretends to be humble and lost. That's the light I see, different fr u, Kent.

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi,

I do have my own insecurities and doubts at times, only I don't outwardly show them.

About being sympathising the girl, you do know things are not that straight forward, there are many grey areas.

I had an afternoon nap in the resort. They disappeared together and only appear at dinner time. I don't know what happen and never ask.
There is a big question mark in my head.


-------------------------------------------------

Hi Kent,

Because this is a forum I feel I can reveal my inner thoughts. I know it seems childish, so I never chat about it in public, I will be a laughing stock.

But there are things in life that puzzle me, I feel fortunate to get some inputs from others without the fear of being laughed at.

I do think you are very wise. You wrote a great post about properties and investments. I have learned a lot from you.

Did you profit a bit from the market meltdown in the past week? I bought a little of stocks during the 2 days of crisis.

Hope you will post more about things you are good at. Hope to hear you soon.

 

[infojunkie]

"I had an afternoon nap in the resort. They disappeared together and only appear at dinner time"

if they really wanna do "it", 30mins is all they need for an afternoon tryst...

kinda scary rite? better dun probe further now that she's gone...

ur, er, godly hubby is Still urs...

"dun't ask, dun tell, dun think" is the best policy...

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi Eggtart,

I don't know. I didn't do anything because all the while she was the one calling my hubby. My hubby just oblige her requests. That's why it dragged for 5 years till she tires.

She complained to me about my hubby was not pro-active. Although outwardly I was comforting her, my heart was aching.

This was my hubby, did she want me to give my hubby to her? My hubby is not object to give or not. Really, it's not up to me.
Her actions really sadden me.
2 women in love with the same man.

She looked bubbly and beautiful but
she forgotten to bring her Ang Pow when she attended our wedding and also accidentally broke a few glasses on the table.
I thought she was admirable to attend our wedding.
I think most people in her situation would not attend.

-------------------------------------------------

Hi Eggtart, it's kind of difficult to explain why I can live with these ? marks.

I mean he loves me a lot, always anxious and over-protective over me. Just that he can't reject these pretty girls who nicely invite him to lunch.

He is never pro-active to them, only to me. Maybe that is the reason I never try to probe anything from him.

The girls will soon get tired of being pro-active to a wooden block. But in true fact, when he's with me he is quite talkative and like to tease me often.

I never reveal this fact to the girls, I think they may feel hurt. I think it's difficult to handle these situations without anyone hurting.
So I just comfort them and do nothing.
Am I dumb????

 

[thebluecape]

Albee... long time ago, i did something similar too.
It is not dumb, but we should be thinking more, and fending more for ourselves.
My then husband, now my ex, well he also has a terrible weakness for pretty women and he is never afraid to show them his fondness/attention.
Years ago we went on holiday in Spain, there was a pretty Singaporean girl in our tour group, and he started talking to her before the tour, and eventually when we were in Spain, he found ways to chat with her. He was taking lots of photos for her, even with me around, he didn't stop. (That time we both have our own SLR camera) And silly me, wanted to act magnanimous, even went to lengths to get to know her, and chat with her, finding out information about her to share with him. And during the last few days, i managed to tag both of us on her trip out to another city, and before returning back to spore, i even gotten her mobile number and email address so that WE (actually HE) can stay in contact.
Years later, when i was going through my ex's emails for evidences of his adultery, i came across some emails he wrote to her, proclaiming that he missed her, and his praises of how beautiful she is... the girl wrote back teasing him:"be careful your wife will be angry", he wrote: "don't worry wifey will understand why a beautiful girl like you is unforgettable..."
I felt like a complete idiot when i saw those correspondences between them...
Just a word of caution, sometimes maybe we have to step in to draw the perimeters, cos if you stay silent, he will take it as a consent... know what i mean?
My marriage fell apart, i guess part of the reason is i haven't been firm enough to put my feet down when it is needed.
Stop consoling those women... they don't deserve your time, take care of yourself first. Why must you be doing the dirty job (counselling the girls) while your husband enjoys all the frivolous attention from them??

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi T,

I never see it from this angle. Thanks for your advice. I think I have to be firm if there is some pro-activeness on his part.

But he doesn't reject any pretty girl's invitation. Sometimes, he even pass their chocolates presents for me to eat.

What must I do for this case?
Any suggestions?

 

[steph_66]

Albee,

Maybe you can ask yourself some questions first.

Do you trust your husband to never stray?

If you really trust your hb, are you comfortable with him being so friendly to other female friends, even if they are interested in him (if he is not)?

If you really trust your hb, and you don't mind him being friendly to the 'pretty girls', then maybe you should stop thinking so much yah.

And also, I think there is no reason for LOVE. My hb can't seem to say particularly why he loves me, whenever I ask him. So, I think there is no need to ponder over why =)

 

[renerene]

steph, same here. My hb is not able to tell me the reason he loves me. He said, "If I say, it's your beauty. Does it mean I will not love you when you are old and no longer pretty? If I say it's your intelligence, does it means I won't love you if you lose your mind one day? If I say it's because you are nice to me, does it means I will not love you if you turned nasty?... There is no reason for love. If there is, perhaps it's not love anymore..." He says it's some kind of "FEEL". I was like, wah... like that very insecure leh, "feel" sound so fleeting... I don't even have a clue what it is, how to work on myself?

Well... now that I think about it, perhaps it's better this way. There is no reason, so I just have to be myself and be happy. Maybe, the same applies to Albee and Denise. My hb calls it "feel". Denise's hb calls it "cute". Albee's hb says nothing and she conveniently attributes it to her beauty. However, beauty is unsustainable, that's why her insecurity? My guess.

Albee, I think your hb loves you because you are Special, to him... be it you eat the chocolates, or throw them away.

 

[brianchong]

Since you choose your husband in the first place knowing that he is the way he is. Why don't you love him for the way he is?

Instead of putting time and energy on do things that have no effects on the relationship... Why not do something that can build a stronger bond with him?

 

[steph_66]

Just wondering...is it a big deal if you discover that your hb hides things from you cos he knows for sure you will be paranoid if you know of something? Even if it's platonic friendship?
I shared my story previously on how I talked to him about his female colleague. He claims that there is nothing going on between them but recently I discovered that he deleted her name from his phonebook (contact number still saved) as he was afraid that I will get all upset if I see her name appearing in SMSes or calls.

Should I be concerned really?

 

[powder]

definitely something fishy... it's the old 'delete-the-name-and-memorise-it-instead' trick!

get the gps tracker, iphone tracker, shoe tracker out. he's up to something. see if u can lock him up in the room for the next 50yrs... at least that way you'll Know.

 

[infojunkie]

ur paranoia is making their bonding stronger...

bad move, steph...

bad move.

 

[serene_yam]

If a man/woman wants to cheat, just let them cheat. Soon after, they get sick of each other too. Then, old habits die hard. The cycle continues....As for you, be it whether u r paranoid, do take some step aside. Maybe it's not about cheating after all....maybe they just like to talk so much and share so much? They could be like primary school friends u know, so many things to share and confide. What's the point of tracking him and be even more paranoid? Ask yourself, whether u like this kind of lifestyle he's giving u. Not that his is a bad form, but more of whether u like it or not. If u don't like and can't stand such, then do something about it. If u can tahan, just change ur mindset will do right?

 

[steph_66]

i'm learning not to be paranoid now. in fact i have more or less accepted their friendship and trust that nothing's going on between them.

but i'm still bothered by the fact that he hides her name in his phonebook. yes, he might have done that as he is worried that i'll be upset any further. but while i can deal with their friendship, i also wish to have total honesty in our relationship.

sometimes i feel like talking to him about this and tell him to put her name back in his phonebook. he has already promised that he won't hide things from me..but i feel so tired as we have talked about this several times.

or should i give him sometime - to believe that i truly won't be upset and wait for him to put her name back without me asking?

what shud i do

 

[powder]

u are pretty darn irritating...

this whole things revolves around him having to do things to make u feel secure. when he respectfully and considerately tiptoes around u, u say "hey u dun have to tiptoe around me".

when he doesn't tiptoe, u'll ask "why can't u walk softly".

having her name in his phonebook is none of your bloody biz... my goodness, that's why u pple should learn not to look into pple's phones. especailly those of u with too much free time, and spending all your time thinking that he is out to screw u.

dun u think u are spending too much time wondering abt life and not living it?

u are the very reason why i dun wanna possess a facebook account. so many of u pple spend all your fcuking time figuring out what pple are doing and not doing, and u can have a Relationship with the bloody facebook account, thinking that it represents the very person.

u feel hurt by the facebook comment, adding of frens, this and that. and u keep trying to live on it... your whole update is devoid of Human contact and actual conversation But assumptions are made from a freakin facebook account.

u're having a relationship with his phone now...

u want honesty?? talk to him tonite with Honesty from yourself, and on your feelings first... else i see this honesty request as being 1-sided in any case...

it's just you you you.

 

[powder]

solution 1: why dun u stop peeping into his phone?

solution 2: get a life

fact 1: u will die one day

fact 2: terrorists, infidelity and hurt exists... so does religion, goodness, charity and happiness.

fact 3: finding nothing suspicious on his handphone does not make u the happiest woman alive, nor does it ensure his fidelity.

lastly, u got Life ALLLLLL WRONG. u need help to learn what it's about.

 

[serene_yam]

Hey Powder....cool down

Steph, Powder brought very good points across, you really need to get a life. Don't keep sneaking on his stuffs...now it may be handphone, next it'll be receipts etc....U know ur SO for at least some while right? Is he those type of really can't be trusted fella? If he is really those, then I do understand ur cause of worry here...BUT STILL, u have to live ur life. Don't revolve ur life around any person, be it whether ur SO is just having plain friendship with others or not.

Cheers

Life is as wonderful as how u make it out to be

 

[carlislesg]

Trusting your partner and being cautious at the same time isn't the same as being paranoid, I feel like you're on to something here. Just stay strong and be confident at all times. Good luck and I hope everything turns out well for you.