Trust him? Am I paranoid?

[steph_66]

Hi all, desperately need some advice here.

I recently discovered that my hb is on quite good terms with a female colleague who just joined his company. It all started when I chanced upon some smses in his hp. He went overseas last month for work and I later found out that there was an exchange of smses between them when he was overseas. The contents were harmless actually, just chatting about weather and stuff he did/bought there. At the same time, I also saw another chain of smses - it was on a weekend after we watched a movie. He smsed to tell her that he thought the movie was too bad and they went out to chat abuot movies and books. After learning this, I felt very sad and even heartbroken. Although I knew nothing was going on, I still felt betrayed - couldn't imagine that he would be chatting with another girl like this.

I was very depressed for a few days, which he noticed but I just refused to tell him anything.

It has been 3 weeks since then. I find myself becoming very paranoid, especially when I see him using his hp. Now every night I'll check his hp and occasionally I see smses between them. Similarly, it's all harmless chatter but it really is bothering me a lot. Last week he took urgent morning leave and besides informing his boss and immediate colleagues, he also smsed her (i see no real reason for that). Yesterday, he also smsed her to tell her he was leaving the office.

I'm 100% sure that is nothing going on as he comes home straight after work everyday and is with me all weekend. I thought I could convince myself that they are really platonic friends who can get along. But I still slip into that depressed mode whenever I see her sms.

I also know that its's very wrong of me to peep at his hp. I don't want to continue to be this crazy paranoid wife!! But I can't help it! And I don't want to speak to him about this as he doesn't know I look at his hp (I know, shame on me).

I just need someone else to look at this and tell me whether am I being paranoid? Or is there a need to do something about this? (like even if they are friends now, it might turn into something else if I don't step in)

Pls help! I've been feeling very depressed because of this, and it's affecting me very much

 

[miloice]

Seriously, see a shrink.

You have issues accepting that your husband is fully capable of maintain any casual friendship with any female.

Alternatively, cage him up under 24/7 sevillence. That should do some good.

 

[let_it_be]

Hi Steph,

If you think that its really stress u up...maybe you can have a chat with him everyday or every alternate on his work things and any other things...how is he getting along with his colleagues...blah blah...maybe he may find that you are not so concerned and he find this lady colleague show more concerned and he get used to smses her...

for the time being... try to look on the brighter side... by more concern to his things...

hope that help u abit

 

[steph_66]

Milo, thks for the honest comment. Guess I really need something like that to wake me up.

Nature, we do chat about work almost everyday..

 

[miloice]

Steph, i am serious. If you have issues handling it, u need some professional help. Don't leave these issues till they snowball. Your emotions are real, u need to deal with it. If you can, u need help.

Take care.

 

[steph_66]

Milo, I have no issues handling my hb's friendship with other female friends. It's just that I'm not sure what is considered a normal platonic friendship and when it escalates into an emotional relationship. That's why I needed someone else to look at this and give advice..

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi Steph,

This is not a sure proof method but you can try.
So far it suits my hubby who has too much free time.

For hubby with too much free time when the wife is not free:

1. Encourage him to spend time with his children, his parents, nephews and nieces.
Give suggestions to outings or activities they can do together.

2. Take up a hobby. DIY the house. Rear fishes. Kite flying, Photography, calligraphy and painting.

3. Go out with his army friends who have good influence on him.

Remember always be sweet when making the suggestions.

If his time is all occupied, he will have to keep his conversations with TOW short. Very soon, the calls will fizzle out.

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi Steph,

I just suggested my hubby to upgrade our old printer which is not working well last week.

He, very happily took up my suggestion and went to the IT show last weekend and spend his off day there.

He came back with a new laptop and printer at discounted prices and free shopping vouchers.
Like a happy little boy, playing and discussing with me all its new functions.

When there is a high tech new toy, where have time for TOW.

I hope you will find the suggestion useful to you.
All the best. Remember to always be a sweet angel.

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi Steph,

Sometimes, we must let our men do some things, if not, when they are bored, you know what will happen.........

 

[infojunkie]

so any woman who's not mom/sister/daughter/cousin is automatically branded "TOW" huh?

die lah, so many TOWs out there, really gotta keep an eye on ur toy boy man...

 

[ch33rix]

Hi Steph,

I have this problem also. knowing that my hb still loves me and stuff, whenever i saw him sms-ing some other women, i will be very jealous and be moody whole day.

what i do now is, dun look at all! if u dunno anything u wun be paranoid at all. and keep telling yourselves you must trust your hb. it is working for me, hopes it works for you too. and juz sms only, not that they always meet up and stuff. dun worry too much.

 

[steph_66]

thks jasline! that's very much the advice i need right now! to trust him and not be so nosy. the urge is there but i'll try to contain it and convince myself.

and albee - yah i'll try my best to be a sweet angel although i don't think keeping a man busy is the solution afterall!

 

[opalstar]

Well, based on ur written facts, doesn't seem to hace something on la.. Just friends w common interest..

But if something really dun feel right, just keep a look out for other red flags.. Mean time, like albee say, engage him more..

 

[infojunkie]

'fix' the husband for what? ts is the one with problem no?

i think she needs to see a shrink to overcome her insecurities...

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi ladies,

I think my insecurities is due to my hubby being very eligible when he was single. Many girls were still attracted to him even when they knew he had a girlfriend already.

Many a times, I had to befriend the girl who tagged along with us on our dates and holidays.

Even after we are married, she still meet up with my hubby for the next 5 years on the pretext of giving him some business clients and then asked him to treat her to lunch.

However on recent years, she has not meet up with my hubby any more, not even as a business client. I think she has either given up or move on.

I am always the sweet angel even to her when she tagged along our dates and holidays.

I can tell you it's really not easy to be a sweet angel when you have a love rival. I had to constantly remind myself not to be jealous and be a friend to her.

It is easy to get married but it is difficult to maintain a happy marriage always. So Ladies, please don't take your happy marriage for granted.

Always be the sweet angel.
Always rekindle the romantic feelings.
Always protect your happy family against any one who will disrupt this happiness.

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi ladies,

My situation was very trying because the girl was a sweet angel too.

I am an angel. She is also an angel. I think my hubby is the one who is most happy to have 2 sweet angels.

Luckily my love rival angel has given up after 5 years but as her friend I pitied her that she had wasted her precious 5 years of youth on a Man who can't marry her. But then I don't want to give her my hubby either. That is a the dilemma.

Actually up to this day I still don't why my hubby never outright reject her all these years.

I have a feeling maybe my hubby is attracted to her too and if Singapore is a polygamy country he may marry her too.

Do you think human being are able to have more than one true love?

I wonder how our great great great grandmothers are able to live in harmony in a polygamy marriage. I think the women of that era need to be all angels.

 

[infojunkie]

btw, do u know the real meaning of '丈夫'?

一丈以内是夫，一丈以外是想è¦ç®¡ä¹Ÿç®¡ä¸ç€çš„人事物。一丈以外的女人多的是。。。 è¦æ€Žä¹ˆç®¡ï¼Ÿç®¡å¾—了这么多å—？倒ä¸å¦‚管好自己算了。等管好了自己，æ‰æœ‰èƒ½åŠ›æŠŠäº‹æƒ…看得一清二楚，æ‰ä¸è‡³äºŽæ»¡å˜´æ­ªè®ºè¿˜åœ¨é‚£è¾¹æ²¾æ²¾è‡ªå–œã€‚。。

well, u either trust him or u dun

 

[opalstar]

Lol.. Junkie.. for a moment, when i read the first sentence, I thought you are going to say.. control the husband within the 一丈以内..

 

[infojunkie]

i'm not so shallow...

丈夫是è¦æ¥çˆ±çš„，ä¸æ˜¯è¦æ¥ç®¡çš„。
当然，最该爱的还是自己，当那人ä¸å†å€¼å¾—你爱的时候。

 

[opalstar]

我当然了。所以é‡è¯»ä¸€é。。哈哈，，我超囧

当那人ä¸ä¸å†å€¼å¾—你爱， 还有自爱自己。如果连自己都ä¸çˆ±çš„人，就没有人会去爱你。

 

[infojunkie]

正是如此

 

[the_giving_tree]

Any unhappiness in a marriage is best discussed with your spouse. Perhaps pick a time when he's in a relaxed mood and discuss this issue with him. Any issues, no matter how small, have to be brought up between spouses before they fester into cancerous growths. There is no right and wrong here.

By the way, I've been married for 19 years. My husband and I have no qualms about seeing the text messages on each other's handphone (not that we do that often). And if I need to bring up an issue with him that is bothering me but know that he is likely to flare up, I would pre-empt him by saying , "There is something that is really bothering me but please promise not to flare up and listen to what I have to say and tell me what we can do about it." This line usually works. Of course, I have to choose the words I say carefully. I always phrase the message in a way that conveys my feelings rather than to accuse him. It always works.

It is important both parties listen to how the other party feels and then seek a compromise. Feelings are real, you cannot deny your feelings. It's what you do about the feelings that matter.

 

[ajumma]

Why did you fall in love with your husband? Why did he fall in love with you?

Spend time communicating with each other and revisiting the reasons why you got married.

When both of you remember those reasons, his friendships with other women will not be an issue.

 

[steph_66]

Thks everyone for the advice.

I finally spoke to him last night. Told him I didn't need him to explain anything for I really trusted him. But just that I was upset and felt depressed for the whole past 2 weeks. He was very sorry, not for doing anything wrong but for making me go through what I did.

Hope this brings a closure to the issue..

 

[xiao_nu_ren]

Steph,

So happy for you. I was reading the whole thing and was worrying that you might not be doing the right thing by communicating to him your concern, which is the basic.

All the best to you!

 

[infojunkie]

now that u hv made known to him that u've been checking on him without any valid reason, with the acknowledgement that u found no evidence that he's been cheating, be mindful of the after-effects...

hopefully, he's doesn't hv a strong personality.

 

[denise80]

"This is not a sure proof method but you can try.
So far it suits my hubby who has too much free time.

For hubby with too much free time when the wife is not free:

1. Encourage him to spend time with his children, his parents, nephews and nieces.
Give suggestions to outings or activities they can do together.

2. Take up a hobby. DIY the house. Rear fishes. Kite flying, Photography, calligraphy and painting.

3. Go out with his army friends who have good influence on him.

Remember always be sweet when making the suggestions. "
-----------------------------------------------
Albee, I don't feel right when I read your post...then I realised your hubby had betrayed your trust before and thats why you had these 'measures' in place? Sigh..it's rather sad because I think men who would stray will simply stray even if you had these measures in place. He could easily find another SYT through these hobbies like kite flying or photography etc. I don't really know what will work but I do believe couples need to strengthen their bond rather than keep one occupied with something because another is too busy?

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi Denise,

It is difficult because my hubby has a weakness for pretty girls.

The girl called up for dinner, he said he was going dinner with me but she still insisted.

Hubby asked me if I minded her tagging along with us. So I said ok because I don't want to appear petty.

Hi ladies, will you do what I did?
How will you handle the above situation?

Looking forward to your replies. Thanks.

 

[matka]

Hi Albee

I'd think that the girl is ... erm shameless for insisting (what holidays too?!), and personally I'd be annoyed too.

But anyhows, no matter what the intention is, the bright side is that your husband is keeping it above-board and at least asked for your opinion. No matter how weak-willed he is... he did not make some excuse with you and sneak off to have dinner with her. Glad that she's given up tho

 

[nichie]

I think the girl is not be blame, the problem lies with Albee’s hubby, the girl can ask for anything even to sleep together with them on the same bed but if her hubby is firm and sensitive to his wife feeling and love Albee, he should reject her immediately and this will not be a problem. He even has the cheek to ask Albee whether she can come along….what is this…..is he serious?……yes…..this girl might give up now….what about another SYT come along?....worst…..when you are no longer an angel……

 

[denise80]

Hi albee,

I feel that there will always be these sweet young things that come along...which is why I thought the more appropriate way is to 'attack his heart' (not literally!). I mean to create a stronger bond and connection with your hubby instead of diverting him to certain hobbies so that he wouldn't meet pretty gals - which can still happen I think.

By the way I don't know much about this pretty girl you mentioned...as in whether she's really keen on your hubby. But I think you did the right thing to get to know his friends, including pretty gal frens, better. For me, I know my hubby's friends and we hang out together and vice versa. So even when he's going to msia with them (one whole group including gals and guys) and I couldn't make it, I'm perfectly cool. That's because I know his friends very well. But of course, when you are there, don't act uneasy in front of the girl. Just treat the girl as really just a friend. Maybe it's just a friend after all? I used to have a gal friend, more of his friend, joining us for a holiday to the States too. Though we were not married then, she knew we are an item but insisted on getting one room and sharing the room with us. Many of my colleagues thought this gal has ulterior motives. I didn't think so...at least I am really confident that my hubby isn't keen on her at all. In the end, we went ahead and nothing happened at all. I reckoned she just wants to save $ and is just self-centered...probably didnt' think we want private time or what (cos she's single all her life so probably didn't know much about intimacy).

 

[miloice]

Step, its good that you are able to communicate your issues with your partner. As long as he isn't a cheating type, it really helps to share and learn to cope with it together. This will actually make him more aware of your emotions. There isn't a fixed answer but from your last post, what you did seems to be helping.

Every single person could be attracted to more than one person. No one else can really stop it. It is the individual alarms and effort to draw the line that matters. As spouse, we can feedback. That's abt it. We need to learn to trust them to exercise their own common sense to guard. We are all emotional beings. We will fall in love and its possible to be more than one person at a time. Its completely possible.

Take care.

 

[miloice]

albee, your husband obviously has big weakness for your type and failing to reject the advances. Similar to the way he is swept by you, he is also falling for this other gal. That is the reason why he isn't rejecting flatly. He needs to learn how to manage that. Learning to resist temptation is a much needed element to maintain strong in a relationship. At the end of the day, its about how clear headed is one abt their priorities.

That's the difference between a social gambler and an addict. Both have the same weakness and love for gambling. The one with the priorities right will know when to stop.

 

[nichie]

How many girls here have free access to your hb or bf hp and they don’t mind you playing or reading their sms? hmm….reading so many cases of lady discovering unknown secret or affairs of their the other half through hp’ call or messages…do you all ever have this tiny little urge of looking at his call or sms either openly or secretly? I have free access to my bf hp but never probe into his sms but did open for him when I am playing his hp while a sms is received. I don’t know…sometime I felt that ignorance is bliss but sometime I am very curious…however…so far he is quite open with me and his action speak for itself…..

About getting to know his female friends, I will go with him if I have the time or I find appropriate but never make a conscientious effort to get to know them only when he mentioned a girl’s name often that will arouse my interest and will try to find out who she is.

 

[miloice]

mine has. i'm only more concerned if she is reading my mum's sms in case there is some filtering needed!

 

[nichie]

milo

Your mom sms you to complain about your wife or talk about her feeling about thing? Keke….my mom only sms me ‘coming home for dinner?â€â€¦â€buy old chan kee curry puff for me†etc…

 

[renerene]

Hi Albee, I'm always keen to meet my hb's friends, be it guys or gals. It's not uncommon for us to meet each other's friends together. I quite like these kind of meetings actually. If I know a girl has taken a fancy to my hb, all the more I like to meet her! He is usually on very good terms with the ladies at his workplace. In fact, he told me his colleagues like to tease him with another lady colleague from China cos they often knock off at the same time and went off together. At this point in time, I am quite confident of my hb.

Outcast, I have free access to my hb's hp cos I am addicted to the iphone games. Whenever we are in the MRT or bus, he'll 'automatically' pass me his hp He doesn't mind me reading his smses but I seldom do that, unless they came in and interrupt my games

 

[denise80]

Outcast,
My hubby and I - we have free access to one another's facebook accounts, blogs (we're co-authors), hps, important accounts like cpf, hdb, email accounts etc. We decided it this way just in case, touch wood, one is not around anymore. You could say we have a high level of trust and transparency but for couples who prefer some privacy, that's very normal too and this preference should not give rise to unnecessary suspicions unless you have good reasons and evidences. So far, there's no secrets or disappointments. I even know what porn websites he visited and asked him to share with me LOL.

My hubby's and my social circle are rather intertwined that I don't need to specially make an effort to join him and his friends or for him to join my social group. In fact, there are times when I'm so tired from work that I rather not join (sometimes humans just feel like having their own space and be 'anti-social' for that one day).

I always firmly believe in the fact that if you can get along well (sincerely and naturally of cos) with your spouse's friends, this will strengthen your relationship with your spouse and this extends to family ties too.

 

[matka]

Hi Albee, Denise has a point about hobbies that give opportunity to meet other people.

My hb has activities that I don't always take part in (my choice), so naturally he has to find other kakis. These activities involve travelling as well. One of his friends is actually an SYT, at least a decade younger than we are. She's pretty, wears short skirts, is slim and tall, etc. The two of them meet up for coffee/meals sometimes and have travelled together as well, with a group. I don't join them when they meet up, but she's been to my place before for dinner etc.

In fact, during one of their trips they even shared a tent - just the two of them.

My point is, if he wanted to cheat on me with her, he would probably have done it. But I know her, and she visited us in the hospital when I delivered both times as well. To me, I don't see her as a threat.

This despite the fact that my hb has actually cheated on me before (with someone else). We reconciled and he still has a lot of female friends and colleagues. It's a matter of being comfortable with myself. I figured that no matter what you do, the onus is on him. As for me, I have to be confident of myself and not let such things get me down. I can love him, but I am also strong enough to let him go if he so chooses.

I suppose that's how I'm now okay with my hb's friendships with other women. The funny thing, he is more insecure of me with my male friends (whom I hardly contact) and occasionally female friends as well.

 

[denise80]

Actually, outcast, if you're still single and have choices, one way to further ascertain 'compatibility' with your bf, to know your bf better and to ensure 'sustainability' of the relationship is to check out his friends. If you somewhat cannot get along with his friends (even if it's just one group of them) for some gd reasons that you could identify, then you'll know that to some degree, you may not be able to get along with him too on certain aspects. This is because his friends (which he chooses to be with) shape his personality as well. Sure, we can keep friendship and marriage separate - but for how long? Your topics and life will certainly involve them, particularly families. When one gets married, you are also married to his 'social network' in some sense. It's important to fit in or accept. If you could, great. If you seriously can't, don't force fit. This is my personal opinion and just one of the ways to discover more about your potential hb.

 

[denise80]

matka, you have a very positive mindset and I think that's great. Self-confidence is very important because we can't control others' thoughts and actions.

 

[nichie]

Denise
I wonder are most couples are like yours? I felt that every married couples should be like yours, open and transparent, its really make things much easier for both. I have colleagues who doesn’t want to let their spouse know about their salary or bonus or bank account, I find it very weird and how they do their financial planning….keke….one tell me very thing is split in her house and they put equal amount in a joint account…but she does not know how her hubby have in his bank….not even salary…I wonder why they get married in the first place. Although we are still dating but we know each other salary, bonuses and although I didn’t ask about his bank account but he doesn’t mind me looking when he is drawing money….so I peek loh….haha….oh ok….he is a saver…

 

[denise80]

It might take a bit of 'training', 'psychoing' and 'sharing'. My hubby was okay with email accounts password, hp etc...but secretive when it comes to how much $ he has...then I realised he's not been saving. So I had to slowly get him to share. Like what you've said here, I explained to him the need to do financial planning together for our future - house, babies etc...and that's when we decided to get a joint account. Now he's transparent with his salary, savings and all.

Some people don't like to share because they feel 'insecure' and don't trust the other person with the info. They're afraid to be exploited. Some could be like my hubby who's afraid to be found out that actually he doesn't have much savings. Fortunately, now he starts to save with me.

Hmmm...whether most couples are like us...I really don't know because I didn't ask them haaaa...can be a sensitive question. I believe it's about mutual trust. Some couples may manage very well keeping separate accounts and certain details from one another. To me, as long as it works for them, it's gd.

Imagine one loves transparency while the other doesn't, then we'll have a problem. So it's good that you and your bf are of the same wavelength when it comes to finances etc.

Regarding putting in equal amount in a joint account - that's what I do with my hubby too. I think it all depends on one's earning capacity, income level, beliefs and willingness. Again, as long as two parties are happy with such arrangements, it'll work. There shouldn't be hard and fast rules on you earn more so you put in more or you're the man, you put in more.

 

[nichie]

Denise

Hmm…I have no problem mixing with his circles of friends since most of us are of the same age and most of them are Christian…I don’t know whether its only my feeling or universal truth….I find Christians are quite a friendly and sociable lot especially those younger ones….I followed him last year for some charity work organised by his church last year and got to understand some of his good friends better….however the only problem is he is a believer and I am not….so sometime I decline to take part in his church formal religious activities although he invited me….

 

[denise80]

Hmm..then it's an important question to ask if you are willing to convert? From what I know, Christians are more concerned than Catholics when it comes to their spouses' religion. Need to think about this seriously. I witnessed wonderful outcomes and bad ones too - wonderful outcomes being the guy joins the girl in church and also started to believe in Christianity and he converted and they got married; bad outcome...the girl's not sure if want to convert and in the end, two weeks before actual wedding, decided to call it quits! So outcast, not sure if you're at the stage of relationship where you start to think about marriage...if yes, then you should by now have a good idea on whether to convert or not?

 

[nichie]

hmm…I don’t know…am I old fashion or what…I always thought that when you have make such a big decision to spend the rest of your life with a person what is the big deal about letting him/her know about such trivial thing about salary and bank account….

 

[matka]

Hello Outcast, from our previous conversations, I recall that your bf is Catholic. May I suggest that you and him sign up for Engaged Encounter (EE) so that you can better understand the possibilities of entering into marriage with him. And he for you.

It will be an eye-opener. Some people have continued into marriage, and a few have broken up. This course is one of the two (the other is Marriage Preparation Course) which are prerequisites for getting married in the Church. However, it is encouraged that you attend as early as possible, and not only when wedding plans are in place.

Because of the demand in space, EE is open only to couples where at least one party is Catholic. You'll find that majority of their partners are not Catholic. It is also not a conversion course, so don't worry about being coerced into getting converted. It is more for awareness. And yes, you do discuss $$$ too.

http://www.veritas.org.sg/ceespore/

 

[denise80]

Oh yes, my friends went through that as well and in the end they chose to break up two weeks before actual day. They might have made the decision a little 'late' but it's still considered 'early' since they haven't gone through the vows.

LoL, outcast, is your bf a christian / catholic btw? I thought catholics usually don't mind freethinkers - not sure?

 

[steph_66]

Milo, thks. I have indeed felt better after sharing with my hb.

After I spoke to him, he said that he felt that he was in the wrong - he shouldn't be talking so much to other females, especially after we got married (what an old man mindset huh?). He said that since it upsets me, he would keep their relationship professional from now onwards. He doesn't mind losing a friend. Actually that's not my point, I really want him to make friends, but I didn't want him to hide things from me just because he was afraid that I might be upset. I just want everything to be OPEN between us. He said he understand..hope he really do!

Anyway some of you gals here really have very admirable and positive mindset!

 

[nichie]

keke….yes…he is a catholic but I always address them as Christian ma….yes…he is ok with me as a freethinker but of course he did asked me whether I am interested to join his church but told him I am not ready….he didn’t insist…keke…aiya we are not to the stage of getting married lah…so matka the 2 courses mentioned might not be so appropriate….moreover…if he don’t mention I don’t think its appropriate for me to bring it up…. Anyway I don’t feel any different whether I am one or not….we are still enjoying our relationship….I don’t have any particular objection against catholic too….