Trust & Forgiveness

Discussion in 'Matters Of The Heart' started by Gutfeel, Apr 30, 2018.

  1. Gutfeel

    Gutfeel New Member

    Hi, I have always wondered what trust is and what forgiveness can do...
    I trust him. Will my trust make him faithful?
    I forgive him. Will my forgiveness make him repent and not commit the same mistake again?
    If the answers are no, then why do we always talk about trust and forgiveness in a r/s?
    It seems to me that what we can offer, like trust and forgiveness, are not what make a r/s? Of course I'm just referring to my own r/s...

    I have been reading this forum for the past few months and managed to sort some thoughts out. But still it is not easy... and like many readers here, will I regret my decision?
     


  2. miloice

    miloice Well-Known Member

    Trust is necessary in any relationship simply because it is impossible to be monitoring your partner all the time. It is suffocating, and not sustainable. The lack of trust often leads to suspicions, accusations and conflicts. It is normal that trust takes time and understanding to build. So, when you say, will your trust make him faithful? Not in a direct way. Trust is key to survival or any relationship, there is nothing to build upon when the parties are never willing to trust. In fact, it is an insult to the relationship if one has done nothing to cause their spouse to doubt but yet, they insist to be suspicious. I will surely leave a relationship like this. Trust is survival, if my partner is not willing to build on that, there is no relationship. There is no future together.

    Next, forgiveness. It is something not for anyone else but ourselves. You should realise the forgiveness doesn't mean ignoring what has happened or pretending everything is as normal before the incident. Everything happened for a reason. What has happened is already a fact. Holding on the past will not help us move forward. Forgiveness is about allowing yourself to move forward. It could be without your husband, it doesn't mean you cannot forgive him. Forgiveness is letting go the baggage that is dragging you, making it impossible for you to move ahead. It is about being at peace with yourself. Part and parcel about recovery from any experience you had.
     
  3. Gutfeel

    Gutfeel New Member

    Thanks miloice, for your inputs. I totally agree, though somehow, it didn't seem to apply to my marriage. I believe I must have missed something or done something incorrectly...
    I first forgave and trusted again... just to realize that I needed to repeat that ritual... and a few more times thereafter...
    The hanky-panky keeps evolving... from texting...to dating...to sleeping... of course I can only talk about cases whereby I know for sure. I discovered only six months ago that he has slept with another woman (women?). He could have done that earlier...
    He begged for forgiveness and asked to be trusted one more time... I thought about it... is that what he really needs? Is that what our marriage really needs? Is my forgiveness and trust able to change anything? Or do anything to keep our marriage? Trust and forgiveness is never lacking in our marriage... Maybe that's the problem? We should have worked on love, communication, passion, commitment, fulfillment etc... But that can't be done alone, can it?
    He is not agreeable to a divorce... strange... the way he has handled our marriage and the way he has treated me as a wife...he really didn't expect this day would come...sometime in this lifetime for us?
    15 years...not a very long time....not short either...
    I feel...angry...sad...empty...
     
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  4. miloice

    miloice Well-Known Member

    Hi, one thing that I learnt through the hard way, it is naive to believe success and happiness come with the efforts we put in. We cannot fight basic values differences. So sadly, if you want to continue a marriage with a man that have clearly different values, you have to close your eyes to the huge grey area. Are you able to be happy this way?

    Compatibility is key, many realize their compatibility issues during courtship, many others during years of marriage, fighting and struggling to make sense. There is no sense, when a person's instincts and values facilitate his cheating habits. This isn't a push factor from you. So, you have to realize it is not something you did wrongly in the relationship except that you failed to realize this man needs and views of relationships and marriage is a contradiction. Guys can well separate sex and love and marriage. We are conditioned since young, porn, media and how we generally compartment our roles. I don't have much to advice. You have to know your limits, the point you know you have to put a stop to it. If fidelity is achieved by having one or both party being unhappy, why continue? We live only once. How do you want to continue your life from here?
     
  5. Gutfeel

    Gutfeel New Member

    Learn it the hard way indeed... I have come to terms that whatever he needs, wants or desires cannot be obtained from me, in me or with me. He cannot find fulfillment with me or our marriage. So it's time to let go. Though I cannot fulfill his needs and desires, I can at least return him his bachelor freedom... free him from his obligations of a husband... release him from a binding marriage...
    Took me six months to stop crying... I think what I have done wrong is to behave like an ostrich...burying my head in the sand and refusing to see... I was naive and silly... was I subconsciously ignoring it for my boys? Am I doing it now for them as well? Somehow I think I need them to know in no uncertain terms... never, ever treat your wife this way... love her, honour her or let her go... I don't wish to have to apologize to my future-in-laws that I have not brought up my boys with the right values and thus causing hurt and pain to their daughters... I asked him...do you have the courage to tell your boys...sometime, someday...?
     
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  6. Gutfeel

    Gutfeel New Member

    BTW, miloice, I have read many of your posts and advice in this forum and I'm sure glad that I did... thanks...
     
  7. Gutfeel

    Gutfeel New Member

    I have given my lawyer's letter to him, stating I would like to have an amicable divorce and my proposed terms. He took it badly and said he was really disappointed with me and henceforth, he would not discuss anything with me anymore. He wants to fight for the C&C of our boys and told me to forgive him for the actions that he has to take. He said he is forced to react.
    Strange... he is the one who has strayed and he is disappointed with me? I have been trying to discuss with him but he has always avoided it and suddenly he would not discuss with me "anymore"? What is more??? Sigh...the battle has begun...
    I would like to know what is likely to happen next? As I have not filed a divorce, he is likely to engage a lawyer and reply to my lawyer's letter right? Or he can file a divorce? Then I would become the defendant? So should I file first?
    Thanks...
     
  8. buddhabar

    buddhabar Active Member

    TS, there are times when men made mistakes and were sorry about it. They repent and and change tho the chances are remote and slim. In your case, apparently your straying husband doesnt even sounds remorseful in expressing his disappointment in your decision. For your second half of your life and for your children, i dont you should waste your time in this empty marriage. You will be better off starting your new life without him and what message will your children gets when they grow up. Infidelity is part of marriage? Mommy accepted it so should my wife? Rubbish. Unremorse infidelity is the worst of all cheats! You probably have not seen the worst of him, in his desperate attempt to destroy you in order to win the c&c of the children.
     
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  9. miloice

    miloice Well-Known Member

    Gutfeel, this is the side of the man you only started to see through his affairs. The realization now means closure of the endless cycle of struggling, and the start of a new beginning. Do seek advise of the lawyer. There are mean men that would under advise of lawyers, document all kinds of 'proof' against the ex wife, to gain custody and more access to the kids. If he is truly repentant, he would have your interest at heart. He is a selfish man to begin with and revealing his true values in times of conflict. It is ironic, that the character are truly revealed in such times, and not the rosy honeymoon. This is the true complete multi dimensional view of your husband. The same guy that you have known for years, without knowing this side.

    I am glad, you could relate to my sharings and comments. I am not all that wise, but I am more open to share and probably, having a more unique past than the average joe.
    Personally, my wife have a hard time to accept the aggressive side of me. We are both reactive and short fused. However, since a kid, i can be very aggressive, not physically at people but the way I handle my anger. could be very fierce and aggressive in my body language, venting my anger on things. I only smashed my favorite watch on a glass top. It was a gift from her from years back. It was in front of my elder son. At the moment, there was nothing more than regrets immediately. In fact, the coldness in her face after, I thought I had lost her. That moment, I had the urge to jump out of the window. My emotional actions were too much for her to bear. She didn't see that in me through all the years because I had learnt to tame much of it through the years.

    However, that animal in me, is just dormant and not extinct. With the right trigger and escalations, it will wake up. She shuts off in conflicts, being shut off in an argument just trigs my fuse. My sharing are my personal struggle. My dad had an anger management, from young, I witness my parents fought all the time. So many times, I wanted to beat up my own dad. Only to be beaten up by him for rebuking and challenging him. My fear, I see the same animal in my second son. I need to help him deal with his demons or it could ruin his relations and life in future.

    We all learn in life, through the unique experiences we have. This new episode for you will have light at the end of the tunnel. Plan it well. Protect yourself, clearly your husband is very good in that.
     
  10. Gutfeel

    Gutfeel New Member

    Surprisingly there is peace for 2 weeks now, after he has taken my lawyer's letter badly for two days... he has been calm, texts me everyday and has not touched on the topic of divorce. We have nice family dinner and he tries to hang around in my room and watch TV with me in our bedroom (I made him move to the guest room since). No discussion on our r/s whatsoever though. I guess he's hoping that this case, just like prior cases, would be swept under the carpet and when given enough time, it would be "business as usual" and live carries on.
    I start to think...can we do that? The answer is yes. Now that I'm done with the darkest moments, have no desire to talk about it anymore and treat him as a partner in parenting, days can be pretty calm and manageable. No wonder the law states that adultery cannot be the reason for divorce after six months of discovery. So much wisdom.
    But I find myself keep thinking how to proceed such that impact to our boys would be minimized, how to break this news (if at all) to my family and closest friends, how to live differently etc... I really have no desire to stay in this marriage anymore or to grow old with him. On the other hand, now that he does not affect me anymore, I find it easier and possible to continue living this same live. I am even happier now. What's happening?
    If I continue, my boys could learn to treasure forgiveness when given, my old folks would not be heartbroken etc. As for myself, I am pretty cool now. So settle? Still thinking...
    Oh, I have this silly thought that he might have checked out with lawyer about my lawyer's letter... and believe me, any decent family lawyer would likely advise him to accept my terms before I change my mind... so he knows I'm not out to make it difficult...not even at times like this... so in his own ways, he would like to patch up with me again?
    I have been inching forward but somehow, I seem to be stopping... Good? Bad?
     
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  11. Gutfeel

    Gutfeel New Member

    Just to add...if there were 10 boxes to be ticked, for him, I could easily tick say... 8 boxes? Anyway...
     

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