Trapped and Stranded


New Member
This may sound ridiculous and dramatic to most...

I've been with my bf for 3years. But my fam is not "aware"... in fact, they are against my rs with him.

There was an incident whereby my bf sent me home. We bump into my younger brother. he was furious seeing me with my bf.

He demanded me to go back with him immed! I didnt. My bf, who was with me, could not tolerate my brother's disrespectful behaviour towards me.

He told me brother off in this tone:

bf: "Xiao di, she's your sister, give her some respect.

my brother: its NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! Your not part of our family!

bf: *pointing his finger (not middle finger)* @ my brother. Hes actually shielding me, but in a wrong way i supposed. I've endured you for a long time, stop all these nonsense to your sister!

my brother couldnt take it, broke down in cold sweat. hes not suffering from any ailments. after i managed to calm my brother down, i asked my bf to go back 1st.

2 days later, my brother saw my bf sending me back home again. this time round, while in the lift, my brother was scolding me in vagularity. he related the WHOLE incident to my parents.

My parents were darn angry. Nag, scolded at me even till today. I've decided to marry my bf, my uncle, my grandma and aunt (my dad's side) came to know bout this.

I've tried to find ways and means to clarify this issue with my fam, but they shut their doors, and procrasinate that its MY fault...

I dont blame my fam for this. they did this all out of love. My dad did chase after me with a chopper before, cos he realised i was STILL with this man.

Am i doing the right thing? I've been very obedient since young. Every rs that I had, my parents have the say. I ended my previous rs cos of my family.

But, they point their finger at me, saying im the cause of all these mess that I've created.

My mum is not well physically and she blamed me for the plight too. My dad said he'd have both my bf and i crippled if we were to b tgt.

Tell me, wat should I do? Im gt married, but my fam are kept in the dark...



New Member
"I've endured you for a long time, stop all these nonsense to your sister!"

what he endured ?

so its a matter of religion conflicts ?


Active Member
"hes a christian and his action towards my brother, confirmed that hes a bad guy"

Risuel, Christian not human? Christian cannot tell people off even if there are good reasons?


New Member
his enduring = those stuff which i told him. how my bro treats me. my younger brother, even though hes younger than me, he'd raise his voice at me, yell at me over little thing, scold me with vagularities... my parents has gt no say when he treats me like this... they said hes doin the right thing

thats y, my bf sheided me from all these...


New Member
if what u say is true ..

then i deduce u r born in the "womens are dirt' families..

so if u r the dirt what will u do?


New Member
DO||: yea, i share the same sentiments as u. No matter what I said, they said I've changed cos of this man.

u cant gauge a person based on what u hear without seeing the person. Im pissd with my family for not giving both of us a chance to clear things up.

my parents said this to me: We are your parents, we have the right to control and to destroy u.

how on earth would parents said these kinda things to their children?!


New Member

im still gg to marry my bf. in fact our wedding is held in june this year.

im just upset that my blessings dont come from my parents...

=*(. i've tried so hard to please my parents, in d end, im suffering. mum scolded me for "lying" to her... but keep urging me to find a gd partner whos gd, can support me etc. but.... *speechless*


Active Member
unfortunately, when u allow pple to treat u like dirt and u do what they command of u... over a long period of time, if u decide to develop your own thinking - u'd be accuse of rebelling.

if u never stood up against your brother and looking at his behaviour, i doubt u can expect him to suddenly be nice and reasonable either.

and tat's the problem... when u try to be nice and accomodating - pple take u for granted. and once u're not accomodating - u're rude, u're rebellious, u're everything negative...

there's no real Ideal solution for u except those that require Alot of Patience & Time... and a possibility of totally losing the family. Some pple dun get it for their lifetime. it's sad... but not standing up to your family May indirectly make them Bigger unreasonable monsters than If u had stood up to them many years ago.

everything affects everything. doing noting affects everything too... even though some pple think that keeping quiet and doing nothing will affect nothing.

Start by knowing what's right, and what's wrong... then do what's right... and not just doing what's nice. u Dun have to be a sister to a brother who doesn't treat u like one. u Dun have to be a daughter to parents who dun treat u like one.

Your Life. your family. Your choice... it will Not go away with silence.


New Member
=) . just like wat powder say .. its ur life . ur choice ..

i got no advice for you .you got to choose yourself .. cos i cant give you the warranty that your this bf will be nice to you in this life time..

neither can i give you the warranty that your family will stop killing you .. if you start to stick to their opinions...

we can talk about how respect and fillial shld be done .. but we had to also have dignity in ourselves.. respect those who deserve our respect .. love those who love us ..


let me share my experience...

me too was from a similar background. being the eldest in the family, i had to do all the hse work as it was expected. the family was poor so both my parents were out working, leaving me to tend the hse. during my sch days, i can't go out for project meetings, can't go out with friends, i can't stay late in sch. only is to stay at home look after my younger bro and sis. when im late for cooking and dad reaches home, i will get scoldings... i wanted to go university, they said "girls do not need to study that much". but my sis can go into university after that!

i endure, like what powder said : when u allow pple to treat u like dirt and u do what they command of u...

till when after my "O levels", i started to develop my own set of thinkings and start to be "rebellious". relationship got worst. and my silblings have no respect for me and also used vaguarities on my. my parents said nothing too! they are rude to me im fine, but they were also rude to my bf then!

from all the scoldings, torturing etc... i begin to hate them. over the years, i realised that there is nothing i can do except to accept the fact. thus i treasure the relationship with my bf. it was him who shield me from all the nonsenses. and it was thru him, i feel like a human.

i am not asking you to forgo your parents, just want you to understand that learning to accept the fact that nothing can change your family. only thing for you is to accept for what they are, and move on with your life. i moved on, happily rom-ed, have my own lovenest with the man who treasure me. my own set of parents din even gave me face during my solemisation and i had to appologise to my ILs after that.

relationship did not get better after i rom-ed and move out. im also having the possibility of losing the family. i totally agree with powder, there is no solution for this. time and patience is the key word.


New Member
Hi risuel,

How old are you? Are you financing your family?

From your account, couldn't deduce why you were treated that way. Could it be resentment towards you for what has happened to your mother? Are they afraid that once you get married you will leave the house and would not take care of them?

Anyway, if violence do comes in, can I suggest that you approach a Family Service Centre (rather than police 1st)? This is to protect you from any violence you might faced after your marriage since your father has already threatened to cripple you and your bf.

Reading your 'story' makes me worried about your safety.


New Member

From what you've said, it seems that your younger brother is the 'bad' guy and not your HTB. No siblings (younger or older) should treat one another in this way. Besides, your HTB is just a Christian. He's not a criminal or a jerk. They shouldn't discriminate him based on shallow facts.

Mind me asking how old are you and your HTB?


Active Member
for this type of situation, I guess you have to decide. Advice? If I have a friend in your situation, I would advise her to leave the family (not permanently, of course) and be with the bf. Definitely there is no guarantee that the bf will turn into a good hb but at least it is a choice that you can make.

for your family, they may well wake up and give you some respect. But don't break off all contact - and when time is right - when they are no longer hostile to you - you can consider to make contact with them.

The best is you can talk to them calmly - that

a) You need respect. Your little brother need to respect you - no vulgarities.. No violence

b) That you have chosen to be with you bf and they to respect your decision.

c) If they chose not to acknowledge this - it is their choice. But if they understand and accept your hb - yes, then all well and good.

You have to be very patient though. It may take many years. Your family is behaving this way because you allowed them. If you want to be treated differently, you have to stand up to them


New Member
thanx for all your advice! im touched and appreciate that

hans: my parents are in their 50s
dad is a hokkien, mum's a hainamese there smth to do with dialects?

baby_pie: thanx for sharing...i feel for u! so who witness your ROM? hows things now? yes, im in the same situation as urs =(.

tired_mom: im 28this year. MY HTB is 33. i give allowance to both my parents. mum always said "you have to give since we brought u up" blah. TBH, i went to seek counselloring. Went to family center cos dad was being violent towards me, but drop the idea as uncle said its not a very "ideal" way to resolve. cos in this kinda event, my parents gotta go to the court and go through counselloring. i just feel worn out gg back for counselloring session...

My mum is just afraid i'd bump into bad guys etc. all my rs are hidden, they are not aware. im a christian now, i converted NOT b cos of my bf. well, its all GOD's timing, i supposed. since young, i was taught not to find a christian, catholic, malay etc partner. they hv their religion belief.

JY: replied as above =)

sm: well, i've tried talking 2 my mum calmly, but each time, she went hysterical and starts to nag at me ALL DAY LONG. even now, she'd nag each time she thought of it. i advice her to see doc since she said shes having isomnia cos of me. worried bout me for years all b cos of this rs. am i supposed to be responsible when she rejected my suggestion to see doc? i dun feel happy staying with them. i love my parents and love my HTB, but my parents just DONT give in 2 me, by giving me a chance.

Im not spoiling my parents reputation right now, but they're just inflexible with their mentality and they expect me to believe in them. they said this 2 me b4: trust NO 1 only your parents.

I've no idea how long my endurance can last me.....


New Member
Hi Risuel,

It's probably good to move out and since you are going to get married in Jun, shouldn't be an issue. Can see that you do care for them but I'm not sure how this "over-protective" syndrome comes about....probably something happened to you before?

Anyway, good to live apart but continue to provide for them financially and do visit them after your marriage. Probably time would heal the relationship. If you really care for them, hopefully your HTB would try his best to do so too so that to change their perception of him.

Nothing wrong with whatever religion you are in, as long as the religion teaches you good things. Things may change a little once you shift out


New Member
hi tired_mom

i cant shift out cos parents hit the roof, but i know its just a matter of time. just last sat, they spotted my HTB's car whizzed past them.

they followed him, but thank god, they cldnt traced him. didnt share with my HTB cos dont see the need to =) afterall, what can he do right?

my dad said he'd chop me up if i were to leave.....


New Member
Hi Risuel,

Now I feel better (and safer!) knowing you're 28 and HTB is 33.

You're already an adult and I'm sure you can take good care of yourself and hubby. Perhaps your parents are just being overly protective of you. But still, you have the right to pursue your own happiness.

Ditto to Tired_Mom. I've got a friend who had been on very bad terms with her mother. She couldn't stand it and she decided to ROM at 23 years old and she moved out with her hubby. To her surprise, r/s between her mum and her improved alot. In fact, it improved tremedously when she gave birth. They are so close now that she asked her mum to take care of her 2 sons and even prepare a spare room at her place for her mum whenever she comes over.

I'm crossing my fingers for you!


Active Member

i'm just gonna be abit straightforward here...

how successful do u rate your parents?
how successful do u rate your brother?

now look at this objectively and ask yourself if they have any credibility in giving u advice concerning your life n future?

i have come across several pple in life who have dished out advice, and sometime they can be quite pushy abt it. BUT i always go back to basics... "is this person qualified to advise me?". i've had pple telling me how to make money when they hardly make 5k a month... i've had pple telling me how great a 5k income is when it's not even enough to cover half my expenses... i've had pple telling me where to live, what to do when they seem to be absolutely clueless and without direction in life.

fact is, if u are happier n more successful than the pple trying to advise u on the same topic, then u need not listen nor heed. just hear out of respect can liao... whether they be your parents, elders, teachers Doesn't matter if what they preach u is not backed up in Action, Lifestyle nor Achievements. by this i mean - their marriage, their careers, their relationships, their Life as a whole...

Only learn from pple who can offer u the experience u want. do not heed advice from pple who simply know the topic... All the best.


powder> yes, life is made up of choices. no point going round in circles, pin-pointing who's right and wrong.

risuel> things now are great! enjoying my companion now, every minute.

i invited my parents as i felt that they shd be the 1 to witness my engagement. my father is my witness, mum sat on the chair provided, faced down on her lap ALL THE TIME. my hb, ILs and myself keep asking my mum to eat after the cerenomy, hb even brought a plate of food for her, she simply refused to take a bite.

i used to have nightmare over my family. always dreamt that they got violence with me and ended up in fights. many times i cried and hit my bf during the nightmares! hahaha


New Member
Hi risuel,

not sure how firm or true your dad's word is....but you need to take care of yourself. You are old enough to handle alot of things liao.

Just ensure whatever decision you make, your own safety is very important...


New Member
dialect group also may affect...yr bf is it cantonese/hakka.. if really tht really will affect as is like a curse..


New Member
baby_pie, i admire your courage. how did u leave home? did your parents disown u?

hans: curse? in what way? enlighten me pls, thanx

tired_mom: my dad means what he said =(. i can only apply PPO (Personal Protection Order) against my fam.

they wont let me off lightly, esp my mum. even when we bring this issue up, tension is always there and in the end, i'd b crying alone...

power: at times, i dun feel love from my family. their kind of "love" is selfish love. they wanna the best for me, but they din know its hit over the limit. they think that im turning rebellious cos of a man, which is NOT true.

my ex came over to my house, brought CNY stuff years back. he was at the door step, but my parents chased him away! the shattering incident was a bad impact for me. y did they disapprove? cos my ex had sinus. but its not as though its incurable!

they CLAIMED that its all for my good sake, which i disagree...cos they didnt spare a thought of how i feel.

JY: thanx! i'd work towards my future with my HTB. i really thank god that his parents were always giving me spiritually support

the worst has yet to come...


Active Member
i guess when u know things are overboard... that perhaps distance may the best thing to keep. learn to accept them for who they are, yet holding on to who u are... it's entirely possible that we dun get alone with certain pple in our life, including our parents. it's sad, but it's sadder if u live your entire life to Their choices...

fact is, they have lived theirs, your brother will live his, and u will live yours... in the bigger scheme of things, it's not right for pple to live thru lives - one of their own, and another thru controlling their offsprings...

our elders have all lived their lives and good or bad, it was their decisions... or could be their parents' decisions, but Still their decision to listen. from what i am hearing from u, i believe u will be able to make better decisions in Life than your family... make those decisions.


risuel> thanks for that. i left when my lovenest is ready. we simply rush everything. im glad that my hb understand my situation. they did not disown me, only ingored me which i felt it is the worst torture!

when i told my parents im moving out, they din even say a single word, just ignored me. on the actual day, they were not even at home and i just move as fast as i can out of the hse. i cried on my way, asking why my parents treat me this way. i am their own flesh blood, why they don't love me...

i feel that even if you don't have your family's support, you must have your partner's 100%. he must be able to shield you from all the nasty things.

indeed safety is very important. from what you said abt PPO, it seems like your family is having serious problem. whatever it is, remember to be strong. and always remember that they are always your parents...

your partner and friends are very important when you do not have family's support. u have to anticipate what lies ahead when you are going to proceed with your wedding plans. only this way, you will have a clear mind to make the right decision.

Hope everything goes well for you


to add on, many ppl with similar background said once move out, relationship will improve. but for me, i dun feel so. or at least at this moment.

we make a lot of choices in our whole life. parents have their own set of thinking which we may not feel its best for us. only you know what is best for you, thus its your turn to stand up for yourself. i made the choice to leave the family for my own family, and im happier now. althou i still longed for parent's love, but i told myself that it might be impossible now. so in turn, i channel my energy to be a better mother next time...

i used to grumble why my life if so full of sh*t. why my silblings can lead a better life than me. but there is this christian friend told me: God chose you to be the special one to endure the pain. because He knows that my silbings aren't stronger than me. if they are given all these sh*t, they might be worst than me now... given a chance, would you want them to suffer what you have suffered?

i teared, coz i still love my family. blood is still thicker than water. i am not a christian myself, but i find my friend's advice is very true. since you are a christian yourself, i believe you understand...

i am not good in word, but i find powder's message very wise. coz what powder said is truely the path i've taken...


New Member
Hi Risuel,

I guess you already know know what to do.
Relationship is a complicated thing and to get you to leave your family of 28 years is not an easy decision but I think you already know what is best for you.

Don't rely on anybody to escape from something. You must be independent. Qwerty is right, your HTB may not be 100% reliable. Even if he is, you yourself must be independent too


not sure if both referring to my post...

what i mean is Risuel must have her partner's 100% support. and definitely not dependent on him 100%, that is why i said friends are also important.


New Member
Agree with Babypie, 100% support from HTB is definitely a must.

Just adding on that 100% reliance is a 'no-no'....


love doesn't mean abdicating what is right, which in this case means you walk away from an unreasonable and unsafe family environment.

so move out, rent a place on your own. plan it well so you don't get hacked into pieces. if money is a problem, withhold your allowance to your parents for the time being. you can continue to love them and visit them if they allow it. but if they chose to disown you, it is their choice.


New Member
Your family sounds very dangerous to me...I fear for your safety, to be honest.

What's wrong with being a Christian? Aren't they humans also? Can't believe we still have ppl like your parents in our society...

Your FH is old enough at 33 to take care of you financially, you are also old enough to make your own decisions. If your family is still rambling over your relationship with him, guess you have no other choice but to move out from your home. Don't end your relationship again just bcos of your family's objections, it will not be fair to your FH. All the best.


New Member
thank u so much for your advice once again pple! im touched that i nearly teared =)

its just a matter of time for me to be outta the house.

i dont wanna be categorised as some unfilial daughter, which I oredi am...

I wont end my rs cos of the previous. I've made up my mind and im firm bout it.

My FB's mum is abit worried. shes afraid i might go back to my parents...

im just upset that on the invitation card, i cant add my parents name =(.


New Member

Keep praying for your family. The Lord knows your heart and struggles. May you find comfort in 2 Corinthians 1:3-11.


New Member
thanx pple for ur advice.

i'd be gg to see 1 of the social worker next week. i need solutn. they are still in the dark that im gt married. but they did mentioned tat, i will NEVA gt married. if i were to, it'd b a bad 1. i'd land myself up in a divorce.

even till now, my mum, especially is still persistent in breaking us up.

she went to temple, drew lots for me, saying its the worst lot of all etc. im depressed partly cos of my FH + my parents verbally abuses on me.

hes been very busy with his work. as for me, i feel tat, we dun seems to spend quality time tgt.

we've been having little debates over this and i know deep inside me, im being abit "demanding"

i feel bad....dragging him into this ugly scene of mine



Well-Known Member
hi risuel,

you don't need to accomodate to every demands of your family to be a loving daughter and sister.

You can respectfully disagree with them. Move out if you must but at the same time, reassure them whenever possible that they had not lost their daughter. You just needed to be respected enough to be able to make your decision. Its probably true that your family does love you but in ways that is not usual nor helpful. Your brother's behavior is conditioned by the yrs of upbringing by your parents. Sadly, he doesn't have the ability to rationalize it within and realize the wrong of it all.

Your call your life. Take charge. You can only do this much for your folks. Beyond that, its really a lost cause. You only live once. Live for yourself.


New Member
when you believe the bad is going to happen, it will.
but if you believe the good is going to happen, it will.

this is what i've learnt from life.
and to break free from a very controlling family is no easy feat.

you're stressed because you're doign the marriage preparation stage and maybe subconsciously feel your FH not spending enough time with you to resolve all fears you're having.

do not spend too much into talking about your family issues to him.

just concentrate on getting towards the new life, new family of you and your FH.
don't add on the unnecessary stress for him.

In ancient times, women are treated like MUD and accessories (being used to gain benefits).

But this is the MODERN times now.
Don't be pulled back by your Ancient-thinking family into the ancient times.

and, remain, cheerful and hopeful.


New Member
hi people

managed to retrieve this thread. thanx for the advice from u guys =)

just an update.

since then, things are still not improving. there was this sunday evening when i just got home, mum started qning me. she found a notebook in which, the handwriting doesnt belongs to me.

it was my FH's handwriting. those notes were taken during our church services. as my mum was illiterate, who could only understand basic english. she came arcoss this word "son" and started to stir a din.

apparently, it was Son Of God, if my memory doesnt fails. she insisted that my FH is married with kids (son). oh well! i kept quiet, cos i know it doesnt help even if were to debate or explained things with her.

During the commotion, my dad just got home aft work. he was damn furious and started to get nasty with me. i asked my mum to keep quiet, but she refused. in the end, my dad pinned me onto the wall, was almost on the verge of giving me a punch on my forehead. he also said that, b cos of my disobedience, i've involved my grandma, my uncle (my dad's side) into this situatn. in order to cease this issue of mine, he rather gt himself in jail and ask my mum to prepare a coffin for him. u guys shld know what it means...

this incident is still very fresh in my mind, even when im typing this entry. mum and bro pleaded my dad to let me off, they feared i could die in my dad's hands.

to me, i didnt retailate much. cos if he really dares to hit me, i'd definately report to the police.

after thinking thru, spending time alone, have decided to approach my counsellor for help once again.

she asked me to apply for ppo and get outta house asap. b4 that, i still gtta break the news to my fam bout my marriage. its just to inform em, showing my respect to em as my parents.

I decided to have a talk with FH's parents. God must be testing me, FH's dad was admitted to hospital on tat sunday. i couldnt talk to him at all. i gtta postpone my appt with my counsellor.

next thur, im meeting my counsellor, to apply for ppo (personal protection order)

i felt discouraged. i love my fam, i dun wanna see em being charged. but yet if i dun do smth bout it, my life could be at stake.

none of my relatives are helping me, cos we aint close to neither side of em. im gg thru this battle alone. it was only recent years, that i opened up to my dad's youngest bro. hes aware of the whole situatn, but seriously, his help is limited too.

its infuriating each time i thought of this. i wish i could get out, but yet, theres this "guilt" in me, holding me back. i cant bear to see my parents in tears. mum's been losing weight, cos she couldnt sleep at nite, shes not fit physically either. and they blamed me for her plight.

am i that detestable? im too tired to proceed, but my heart refused to give up! i dunno how am i gg break the news to em bout my marriage. im VERY SURE, they'd hit the ceiling and wld disapproved of my marriage.

im just fretting that, they'd get violent to me.

have i reached the last stage of life whereby i gtta make a breakthru out of this sitatn?


risuel> i am at a loss of word after reading ur last post bcoz my family doesn't get violence at me.

do u have a house with ur FH? if yes, perhaps u can move into it b4 thinking of what to do?


New Member
Hi risuel,

Could you just pack your bags quietly and leave the house for the time being? Forget about informing them about your departure until you are out of the house. This is for your own safety.


New Member
hi baby_pie

we did secured a flat, but its only ready like few years down the road

ya, my situatn is more complexed as compared to yours.....


New Member
tired_mom: i always have this impression that parents would neva ever lay hands on their child no matter what.

for this instance, they did this cos they love me. they rather i dun gt married...

i cant quietly leave the house. they'd think it's my FH whos instigating me. besides, it'd make matter worse IMO...


risuel> yes, i agree with tired mom. for your own safety, u gotta leave the place. it doesn't matter if they will its FH who teach u to do these. if they ever bother to listen to u, u still can explain to them.

ok, now i know urs is BTO. otherwise do u have a place in ur FH's place to stay or a friend place?


New Member
you're so wrong.. why do you think you're going through this alone? you forgot GOD?
time will tell.. pray hard.. God has his're 28, not 18.. you're mature and know whether this man is good for you..pls dun think you're unfilial. they just don't understand you.. one day, you'll have your day.. pray girl..pray for peace, pray for love, pray for patience, pray for perseverance, pray for strength to endure all this..there's a time for everything, remember?

pls remember that you're not alone.. You have HIM. don't loose heart...

one more thing.. my friend told me this: all men will fail you one way or another, but God will never fail you. Remember this! When i heard that, I suddenly found peace in my heart. I always remember this whenever i'm going through a difficult time and somehow found strength to go through it..

of course all this prayers is on top of certain actions you need to take if necessary like apply PPO, etc ..take care girl and god bless..


New Member
risuel, i think your situation is quite dangerous, please move out ASAP.

At this moment, anything you do, most likely your parents will blame it on your FH. So i do not think you need to tell your parents you are moving out or any of your wedding plans yet.

i think it is amazing your father can hit the roof and your mom can have insomia just because you are with a christian bf. did they ever tell you why they are so against you to be with a christian bf?

anyway please stop feeling guilty. yes, your parents are in bad shape, your relatives are also involved now. however, if your parents or relatives cannot explain to you their reasons for objecting your relationship, i do not think that you have done anything very wrong. the way i see it, they are being very obsessed with you and your relationship at this moment, and look like they cannot accept that their daugter is "rebelling" them.

be filial, but not at the expense of your own safety too.