Topsy Turvy Marriage

whitelv

New Member
I’ve only been married for 6 months but things had started to go wrong after the 3rd month. Think my story is rather complicated. To everyone else in the world, we are THE perfect couple that everybody wishes they could be but nobody knows what is happening now and I am clueless how to tell my family and friends should our marriage fails in the end. You guys may not sympathize with me cos im the reason why this marriage is failing but I really want to get out of this mess and feeling quite frustrated. Hope I don’t bore you out…..

<u>History</u>
- Together for a total of about 10 years (excl. break-up period of 2 yrs) since I was 17
- First 2 years of the r/s was spent long distance
- Later on he came overseas to study and live with me
- At the 7th year together, I cheated on him by liking another guy so we broke up
- We remain separated but still living together. During that time, I dated 3 other guys.
- Initially during the “separation†period, we were cold to each other, but subsequently we became closer and I continued doing things w him, hanging out with the same group of friends, ironing his clothes, etc.
- After breaking up with the last guy, I was very upset and was extremely relieved that he was still there for me. With my friends’ encouragement, I tried very hard to work things out w him…told him why I loved him and wanted to be with him.
- We finally got together and married

<u>Why we broke up the 1st time</u>
- Our r/s became routine and boring after 7 years
- He is not Singaporean and I never wanted to live with him in his country cos I can’t understand the language and don’t like the culture
- I became very frustrated whenever I go out with his friends/family cos I could never understand their language and I would just sit there smiling at whatever they were talking about.
- I felt he had no direction in his life i.e. career -wise
- I felt academically he was not on par with me
- I felt he was boring cos he’s extremely quiet especially in front of my friends, too soft towards people
- I was tempted by a new guy, new experience

<u>Why I married him</u>
- I got sick of dating other guys
- I know he loves me very much and will take care of me
- He was always there for me
- He places me above everything else
- My parents love him, my friends love him
- We hardly quarreled and had good partnership skills e.g. planning trips together

I started feeling something was wrong when we took out pre-wed photography together. When the photographer asked me to look at him and pretend he is the only guy in the world that I love. I just couldn’t do it….all I could do was smile and pose and the shots turned out normal. Although the thought scared me, I didn’t think much of it….attributing it to being together for too long. Before the wedding, we were living apart cos he had his business overseas and I was working in Singapore. For the next year, I was busy planning the wedding plus extremely occupied with my new job. As with all brides, I wanted a fairytale wedding.

Slightly before the wedding day, I started to get very cold feet. I told some of my guy friends who explained that it was normal. Then I told my hb that I didn’t want to get married but he shrugged me off by saying something to the extent of “deal with it†cos he thought I was under immense stress. Anyway, as everything was set to go, I decided to just go through with it. On the wedding day, I didn’t feel excited at all. I was purely nervous about my speech and getting through the day. During solemnization, I didn’t feel happy or touched at all. I didn’t tear in joy like couples in love. I didn’t look at what was on the marriage cert. When we were reading our vows, I even corrected his English! The sickest thing was when I said my vows, I wasn’t serious about it. All I kept thinking was to get things over and done with.

<u>Post-wedding life</u>
After the wedding, we went on a 2-week honeymoon in Europe. I told myself to try and work things out (although he couldn’t guess what was happening all this while). The trip did help make me feel happier and so I thought everything was alright. After honeymoon, we started living apart again in diff countries cos of our work commitments. Whenever I complained or confided him in my work problems, he couldn’t stand it. He even told me not to complain about it cos it’s a waste of time when I can’t do anything. I was bitter about him not wanting to get an apartment earlier when I really wanted to and now when prices shot up so much, we can’t buy anymore. Gradually, I stopped calling him or texting him so often.

After about 2-3 months, I fell in love with another guy. We have been going out ever since. He is the perfect guy to me and I love him so much, I’m willing to give up everything. I know cos he’s the person I’ve always wanted. Anyway, the hb found out about the guy cos he snooped on me (probably msgs/pics in HP) and confronted me. So I told the hb to give me about 3-6 months to think things through cos after all we’ve been together for 10 years and had so many memories.

It’s been about 2 months of “time outâ€. Things are weird between us now. He doesn’t trust me. We hardly talk cos I’m busy with work and I don’t feel like talking. There’s a distance between us when we walk, almost no physical contact, we sleep at opposite ends of the bed. But sometimes he would talk to me as though nothing is wrong. I really want an annulment but in a fix because my family will kill me. They are too traditional and a divorce means the end of the world for them. I know I will hurt their feelings and hurt my hb the most by what I’m doing. Yet selfishly, I keep thinking why should I sacrifice my happiness for everyone else’s expectations? Attended a friend’s wedding and broke down crying after that cos I felt so much regret that I didn’t do something before the wedding, that I couldn’t feel the way other couples felt during a wedding. Everyday I wish I could turn back time to fix everything but I can’t. I feel very remorseful about what I’ve done to him but I know it’ll be worse if I continue this r/s and have kids, property, etc.

<u>Need some comments/answers to some questions:</u>
1. Did I marry him for the wrong reasons?
2. How to break the news to our family? How to explain to them when their views are so traditional?
3. How do you tell everyone about the failed marriage when we’ve been together for so long and everyone have a misconception that we are a perfect couple – made for each other
4. What should be the next step forward?
 


scope_guy

New Member
1. Yes.
2. No need to explain. For what?
3. The perfectly wrong reason to even try to explain.
4. Know yourself first. I get this feeling that you are still jumping around... ... ...
 

hweebs

New Member
You don't love him, and you did not marry him for love: you married for security. Can you tell us a bit about the pattern of your love relationships with other guys? I have a hunch that your relationships have always involved 'perfect guys' whom you will break up with in the end...I wonder if your 'love' is rather shortlived and a bit over-rated.
 

scope_guy

New Member
She's definitely a most interesting case... A case I suddenly realise I have been looking for for quite some time.
 

whitelv

New Member
i think i married for companionship and security but not realising it or rather deceiving myself sighs. i care for him more as a family member...after being together for so long.

hweebs>> the other few guys i dated were far from perfect. in fact 2 out 3 were uncommitted. the other one i realised i had no romantic feelings for. yes i agree, most of them shortlived and were not "real" relationships. im not sure whether my attention-span is short or because i havent met my true love. i cannot explain why i cannot love a guy i've been with for 10 years.

Scope Guy>> care to explain? am i weird or wat?
 

scope_guy

New Member
I find your reply most... interesting to Hweebs. LOL~

Actually you are not exactly what I am looking for, but your case will do... I am looking for a woman who married thinking she loves the guy then ended up not the way, and she met another...

Hmm... You are not weird. You are... You are just someone who don't know about love.

And you are most interesting because you care about your original family and friends even in view to whom you are married to... which means you don't exactly have that an issue with lack of family warmth...

Which is... you are like me. You are a seeker. But unlike me, you don't understand what you are seeking for. Hence you tried to settle for an option and see if things will work out. Strange...

Because interestingly, you will be having sex all these while with a man you don't love... for at least 6 months. That's amazing to me... ... Because that'd be casual sex for whole six months!

No. You are not the weird ones... Many women married all for the wrong reasons and even that, they continue deceiving themselves until... (eg) their men (they don't marry out of real love) go fvck someone else... You are unique.

You actually know you are having a sexual relationship without real love for so long... Usually, women will defend with "no no no, I love him, just that it's normal to be attracted to someone else, or he has changed, or bla bla bla...".

See? You are great. You confronted your own situation. Do you know how ridiculously rare for women to come without self-denial?

Let me help you to explain why you cannot love a guy even after 100 years. You don't even understand what is true love. LOL~ Don't worry, just get your problem fixed, and you'd be fine.
 

cuclainne

New Member
can't understand why you didn't take the initiative to learn his native language or why you didn't tell him that you would appreciate if he and his friends/ family could speak english when they're around you ...

i went through that during the initial stage of my relationship .. my husband's family and friends are lovely but sometimes they would forget and start rattling off in their native language and i would get lost in the conversation. so now i have taken the decision to learn the language.

in any case, it isn't just about the language but i wonder why you stuck around despite so many things you didn't like about the relationship.
 

wildcarde

New Member
I am rather curious as to which country he is from and the resistance to learning a new language as well as culture?

I do sympathise with your plight, however, it does seem that you may have to "Bite the Bullet" and make a decision.
 

piggylover

New Member
DID I MARRY THE RIGHT PERSON?

During one of our seminars, a woman asked a common question. She said, 'How do I know if I married the right person?'
I noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so I said, 'It depends. Is that your husband?' In all seriousness, she answered 'How do you know?'

Let me answer this question because the chances are good that it's weighing on your mind.

Here's the answer.
EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with your spouse / partner . You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked their idiosyncrasies (unconventional behavior/habit) .

Falling in love with your spouse wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's called 'falling' in love... Because it's happening TO YOU.

People in love sometimes say, 'I was swept of my feet.' Think about the imagery of that __expression. It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something came along and happened TO YOU.

Falling in love is easy. It's a passive and spontaneous experience. But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria (excitement) of love fades. It's the natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts.

The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.

At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, 'Did I marry the right person?' And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when marriages breakdown. People blame their spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment.

Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work, a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances.

But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it. I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else.
You could.

And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a few years later. Because (listen carefully to this):

THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.

SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It'll NEVER just happen to you. You can't 'find' LASTING love. You have to 'make' it day in and day out. That's why we have the expression 'the labor of love.' Because it takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it takes WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work.

Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your spouse) to succeed with your marriage.

Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable. .. you can 'make' love.

Love in marriage is indeed a 'decision'.. . Not just a feeling.
 

scope_guy

New Member
PiggyLove,

LOL~

Interesting seminar. Regretably speaking relationship is no seminar, especially by an over-generalised illusion of bliss.

Physical laws you are talking about that yields love in a marriage is indeed a decision... is pretty ridiculous... Because by the time you are 60 yo, laws of the nature will see your man you have married based on a decision facing more competitions.

You wrote alot. But you still don't understand the basis of a relationship. It's not a decision, it's never yours to make.

There's this woman in this forum, Sadtz. She told herself, her decision was to forgive. Psychological reading from the beginning shows otherwise.

What you are talking about is basically... Self denial. LOL~

The key of marriage is not about learning to love the person you FOUND. You should love the person before you even marry. You should know what is love and relationship BEFORE you even got yourself committed.

I don't know how many such seminars you have gone to... Face it. It's never a decision for you to make. You cannot make that decision for your spouse. Got it?

You cannot even train your spouse. You MUST understand that a relationship is NOT JUST YOU. You can decide to cheat yourself into self-denial... that you have learned to love...

But how many women here can honestly admit that you can DECIDE FOR YOUR PARTNERs? LOL~

LOL~

Talk to me again when the women is 60yo, ugly... and your men are not... castrated.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
1. Did I marry him for the wrong reasons?

Yes, you don't seem to be in the marriage with the right expectations of your decision. If you decide to marry for all the reasons you mentioned, what is so different now?

Let's visit your list :-
- I got sick of dating other guys
Suddenly, u r no longer 'sick of dating'. Honestly, if you are really sick of dating, then you should not get married but stay single!

- I know he loves me very much and will take care of me
- He was always there for me
- He places me above everything else
- My parents love him, my friends love him
These hasn't changed right??

- We hardly quarreled and had good partnership skills e.g. planning trips together
What do you expect? For sure, there will be frictions and unhappiness after all these incidents.

2. How to break the news to our family? How to explain to them when their views are so traditional?

Its your life your call. Think twice about believing that you can just denial your emotions. You already did so and get into this mess.

3. How do you tell everyone about the failed marriage when we’ve been together for so long and everyone have a misconception that we are a perfect couple – made for each other

Every decision comes with its consequences. You want out, then face the music. You are not a kid anymore.

4. What should be the next step forward?

Look within. Discover yourself and what you really need. Don't just hop into another boat that comes by. Even if you divorce, don't get married again so soon. Your heart isn't settled and without the clue of where you are heading. If you are sick of dating, don't date. Don't expect that after marriage, there is no dating and somehow the relationship will survive. The marriage does no magic. No fairytale wedding will make you happier. You already found that out. So, don't repeat the same mistake and shoot yourself in the foot.

My wife is an Indonesian. I haven't got the slightest idea what my inlaws are saying among themselves mostly. But it doesn't stop me from interacting with them. It aren't really the language barrier but your heart isn't in the relationship in the very 1st place. You have no interest about his priorities and family. You are in the marriage to answer to your folks and to go thr the protocols expected of you. Its really for your own personal reasons. Even now, when you want out, its always about YOU. And you mentioned he no longer trusts you? Is that surprising? What's surprising is your lack of any decency to even have the slightest concern for him. Afterall, so yrs even as a friend, you would have some emotions. Yet, you think about how u r going to go thr it only.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
powder, agree. this gal doesn't even know how to love someone. Its about herself solely. Her needs, wants and worries.
 

hweebs

New Member
whitelv:
"the other few guys i dated were far from perfect" --u mean they were far from perfect b4 u first dated them, or they were far from perfect after u dated them? Very important question. And....how imperfect are they...can u tell me please?

u do, kind of 'love' your husband...the companion/steady type. Most, if not all relationships come to have this, but they usually have some others, eg passion, friendship as well. Like what piggy said, relationships usually start with a lot of attraction and sexual chemistry (after all u dunno each other), then when u get to know each other, there is no mystery anymore..plus the fact that the PEA level drops after 3 months...one may start to think the relationship is now boring. The basis of our love chemistry is to provide 1) attraction, then 2)bonding and settling down. U and your hubby probably had the chemistry long time ago, but as it wears down and becomes companionate, u keep wanting to find back that exciting and dangerous element u felt earlier...in people you don't know. It's dangerous, and u get really 'high' but when u get hurt, u want the safety and protection in the 'home' with you husband.

My question: Have u actually tried to recreate this excitment with your husband, or have u always just sought the easy way out: find it with new guys? Why do u constantly need this type of excitement/high anyway?
 

scope_guy

New Member
Hweebs,

You got her first part probably right, she does love her husband... just that she doesn't know it yet.

LOL~

But the for the rest... Hmmm hmmm... I can't support you. LOL~
 

sleepwalker

New Member
Coming from a task-oriented point of view, hope i dun get killed by everyone: Apply for a legal separation now. It takes only 1 week to get it done.

If things are meant to be and work out in that 3 or 4 years, that will be great and it is possible to continue with your blissful marriage. Simply disregard the separation papers.
If things dun end up in a "happily-ever-after" and you still want out, then you have saved time and effort for both yourself and your partner in the potentially difficult and ugly divorce process.

Alternatively, seek marriage counseling, i believe they give professional advice to you whether your marriage will eventually work out for you, which is the answer you have been seeking.
 

powder

Active Member
peas,

let me correct u... the marriage is not "topsy-turvy", that is the wrong word. the word should be "pointless".

i have had the displeasure of seeing many girls like u over the years so focused on the wedding, they seem to ignore the quality of the partner, or totally understand what marriage is abt.

all these 10yrs together, 5yrs together... i dun know if u realised, but How Long u've been together, isn't proportionate to how much more u should get married to each other... it simply means to me - that u spend so much time together without wanting to get married. it also means u've been waiting for Someone else... else why not confirm earlier? then again there are those too eager to confirm...

What's scary is this part... "I didn’t feel happy or touched at all. I didn’t tear in joy like couples in love." Errr, which movie or tv serial did u watch har?

pls go ahead and get your separation/annulment/divorce. u definitely dun love your hubby... u just like the concept of being in love with him - when u needed to have that assurance.

and pls lah... dun bother running thru the list of guys from A, B, C to Z to determine who is the one... cos as far as i know, ALL may not be, and u've not met anyone right yet. so dun do this stupid girl's thing of running thru the list of 4-5 guys to choose one...

if i was supposed to choose all the jobs that my Diploma gave me, then i'll be so fcuked... i'll be like the rest of my classmates still earning basic wages. so if u marry like everyone else, what makes u think yours is gonna be the one that becomes a fairy-tale? u should seriously Wake Up.

in your entire post, u already showed that u KNOW all this while, the answer. just that like everyone else - u act blur and hope for the best... this is a typical local behaviour... the 'act blur' way of doing things and when things go wrong, pretend it's not your fault.
 

powder

Active Member
and who cares abt your parents and frens? are they gonna be the one to make love to him, or avoid making love with him? are they gonna be the one to share the rest of their life with him?

so pls lah... if your frens like him so much, why not give him up to one of them? do BOTH a favour.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Actually, its pointing back to herself. She doesn't want to be the villian nor face the music and fight for what she really wants or believe for. Wanting the good part and leaving the consequences to others.
 

hweebs

New Member
whitelv, try to for for marital counselling and see what you can get out of it...u and your husband both have some problems to sort out. It is not a simple 'split and divorce', because after that, u will still get into relationship messes again and again and again. But if you managed to be 'helped' and change for the better, your husband needs to deal with his mistrust of u..in any case, even if u want him back he may not want u anymore.
 

whitelv

New Member
wow you guys wrote a lot and i have a lot to clarify and discuss.

Scope Guy:
Yes one of the questions I had to ask myself arising from this situation is "What is love?". I'm sure everyone has their own interpretations. My huge mistake is I've never ever given thought to whether I really love my hb before I married him, why do I love him and what marriage really meant/entailed. I've nver gone for pre-marriage conselling because I had the impression that it was of no use. I always thought my hb was the only good person i'd ever meet (after being hurt by the last relationship) and I was always grateful for him being around. That is what kept me binded to him all these years. So "what is love" to me? After some careful thought, I think it is to love someone unconditionally, unselfishly, putting that person before yourself, accepting all faults of that person, being able to picture a future with that person, being able to stand by that person no matter what, being able to communicate with no barriers, forgive and forget…bearing no hatred.

Then you may ask “Do I think I love my hb?†I think I’ve come to love him as a family member or a close companion such that I try not to hurt his feelings, I am concerned about his life BUT the biggest difference is, I still cannot accept some of his shortcomings and I feel I do not care about his family as much as I would like to.

Can I ask you and everyone else reading this thread, what is your definition of TRUE LOVE.

I care about what my family thinks because they are extremely traditional and I feel they will not support me in splitting with my hb cos my mum loves him a lot….to the extent that my mum may threaten to disown me or even threaten me with her life. I say this because it has happened before when I broke up with him because I had a crush on another guy. Although I have since completely shut off from my mum ever since (as in I try to avoid telling her things), I do care about my family and their well-being. I guess they still belong to the age where a marriage is concrete and should never fail no matter what. And looking at how chummy my mum is with their family, makes it even more difficult to break such a horrifying news to them. Don’t know if you guys will understand the kind of environment I’m in. I’m not even supposed to go out late because I’m married….suppose to stay at home and be a good wife.

I don’t think I actively seek for love….it just comes to me and I fall in love easily because perhaps what I have isn’t what I am satisfied with?! That’s my explanation as to why I could take my hb for granted and fall for other people even though I know he makes a very good hb. Hmmm…as for sex….we hardly had sex to begin with, even in our happier days. We hv been living apart for 1.5 years and I can count how many times we slept together. I didn’t really enjoy it with him, it was actually more him who wanted to do it and things got really quite “practicalâ€â€¦.hardly any foreplay, etc. Most times I would be very tired and gave excuses not to do it. I just thought maybe it was because things are routine so I felt this way. Ever since I fell in love with another guy, we haven’t had physical contact – only a hug goodbye. Cos I feel I shouldn’t hv physical contact with someone I don’t love anymore.
 

autumntime

New Member
I don't agree that piggylover's post is inappropriate. Staying married requires more than feelings. Feelings are not stable, they change from time to time. It takes commitment (from both parties) to stay married and that (commitment) stems from a decision.

As humans, we invariably feel sad, happy, excited, bored, delighted, tired, aroused, etc. If everyone (though some do) are going to base their marriages on how they feel at a particular time, everyone must go through a divorce. How can you feel happy all the time in a marriage? Take for instance, our relationships with our parents and children. Have we never had any conflict or times when we feel angry/ resentful towards them? But because many of us (there are always rare exceptions) do not believe in being "divorced" from our parents or children or rather, do not believe that to be a possible option, we find it easier to accept all their idiosyncracies, tantrums, imperfections, weaknesses, etc. Many parents continue to love their children unconditionally regardless of how they've grown out of their adorable, kissable stages and becoming that awkward and hard-to-comprehend teen or self-centered adult. All of us do not have perfectly ideal parents, but we love them nevertheless and don't go looking for new parents all the time.

So yes, how our marriages turn out eventually have got something to do with our core belief system/ values - what is marriage to us? We will never find a perfect marriage on earth. Why? Because we are never perfect ourselves to begin with.

I do read with empathy on the many males and females on this forum who are divorced as a result of infidelity on the part of their partners or loss of romantic feelings. Sadly, it is not enough for one committed party to make a marriage work.

To peas: when I read your post, I can't help but feel that 3/4 of your post (all the way right up to the end of 1st para of "post wedding life"), you are just making excuses for yourself so that your wanting to end the marriage can be justified. Feelings of lust, infatuation, etc won't last long... before you know it, you'll be hunting for the next ideal partner (who can give you that "right" feel) and perhaps (in moments of emptiness &amp; loneliness), you may experience a sense of deep regret for letting go of a good spouse material who had unfortunately failed to keep you excited every single day of your short marriage together.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
hi peas,

as I already pointed out... all of your concerns seems to be for merely yourself and you got yourself into this mess. Learn to face it. Be it in the marriage or out of it. You love him so much as a family that you don't even think about his feelings.

Else, you will be always trying to find excuses for your behavior. Most people do fall in love. It doesn't stop with marriage. No such solid marriage or relationship that will stop you from falling in love. Get real.

How much do you know this new guy to be sure you are ready to give up all for him?? Even if you finally went all out for him, what's next? Do you think you will not fall in love with another again? Fat hope loh. We are humans... we are all emotional. We will fall in love. If you cannot deal with that, don't get into a commitment, u have no idea what is a commitment at all.
 

tigre

New Member
Agree with AutumnTime...

Not possible to keep the strong romantic feeling burning all the time... Will take effort &amp; commitment to ride through the ups &amp; downs over the years...
 

whitelv

New Member
Cuclainne &amp; Deep Blue:
yup initially I tried although I didn’t like it but gave up trying. It’s just natural for people of the same nationality to speak in their native language when they make up majority of the group. I don’t blame them. Now I can sort of make out what they are saying but can’t speak so there is some sort of communication breakdown with his family. I suppose this is not a major issue or one that caused the breakdown between us.
 

whitelv

New Member
Piggylover:
yes I have experienced the ups and downs of a relationship as you have laid out in your comment. I probably don’t know how to commit and love a person so I can’t say now whether it is purely a decision and not a feeling. But it’s definitely a decision to want to commit to somebody and exclude anybody else in the relationship. That said, does that mean everyone should stick by marriage even if there is a problem cos it is a decision to commit to somebody even if u don’t love that person. Hmmm am I making any sense?

MiLo:
the only diff now is that we are having a long-distance r/s….the closeness is not there. Maybe I get to know other people and hence fall in love. I did try v hard not to stray though (hands on heart) but sighs I still couldn’t be bonded to hb.

Ok maybe not sick of dating but more like afraid that I’ll never find someone that loves me so much. That’s selfish I know, but silly thinking at that time. Plus hb pressured me a little by saying I was expiring for my age to be able to find another guy.

Yup ultimately I have to be prepared to face my family. I just want to do it in a way that would minimize heart break for them. It’s not just what I want to do or who cares about them but I guess I have to be responsible for their feelings as well. If they can’t accept my decision, then I can’t do anything. It’s easier said than done when my family treats me like a kid all the time LOL.

I definitely am not ready for another marriage so soon. I’d rather take things slow and have an independent life first. Of course I have thought about his feelings &amp; his family’s, otherwise I would’ve annulled the marriage long time ago. But I do put other things like work above him &amp; his family so yes it’s all about myself and what i want to do…... and also this imbalance in the r/s. I shouldn’t have gone into marriage so hastily.
 

vios

New Member
solely based on companionship and security, it wouldn't work out whatsoever.....

and nope. i don't think you had thought about him and his family when you first married him and deluded everyone around you, including yourself.

yep, it's about time to face the consequences.
 

whitelv

New Member
powder:
yes I finally realised that marriage is more than just another step in the relationship. I used to think it was a natural progression and in order for a r/s to move on successfully, we have to get married. I’m sure more and more girls do not understand the meaning as well – could be because of parent’s expectations, peer pressure especially, lack of knowledge, to get a HDB, etc. It’s quite sad…..I truly regret not thinking hard about it. In fact, I thought if anything goes wrong, there’s always option for divorce.

Well 90% of the weddings I attended, I see couples tear in joy especially when reading their vows or being kissed by the groom. Mine was so different to what I expected myself to feel. This has been the most disturbing thing on my mind so far.

I definitely know what I want after thinking long and hard about everything. I just wanted some comments / analysis of what I have done or going through. Heh I don’t deny it’s not my fault. In fact, it is all my fault which is why I feel a great remorse towards hb….I have put myself in his shoes and it really feels like shit.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
hi peas, i'm going to borrow something that powder mentioned in another thread. "u should try to bring your mind to the next level before u think u need to do the same with your relationship"

In fact, you don't get to another level through marriage but rather you marry because the relationship has gone to the level that marriage is the natural thing to do.

Its never too late to learn your lesson in life until you give up on yourself. For sure, the consequences are real. Try not to think of the next action now when you are not really clear on what you want. Rediscover yourself and what you really need. Differentiating between a crush and surge of emotions and what you need to be fulfilled.
 

whitelv

New Member
hweebs:
we haven’t tried to recreate that passion. Technically when I was with him, I only “looked†for 2 guys. It was the first guy I had a crush on that I told him about and we broke up as a consequence. Nothing came out of that r/s by the way. The subsequent guys were with me when I was single. It’s the recent guy that I found really suited me….he’s not the perfect guy…nobody is perfect nway. I know that this feeling will die down in a few years but if I really end up with him (or anyone else), I would make sure that I decide not to consider other guys….this time with a real commitment. Otherwise, I should just have casual r/s which I don’t really like cos there’s no certainty.

I can say people cheat because they find something new, something better than their partners….most likely the attention and the excitement of getting to know someone. But I strongly believe that if there is a strong bond to your partner, you will not look for other people.
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
Peas, you have both push and pull factors. You should look within yourself and also at your marriage and husband, instead of getting worried about what to say to your family and friends if you decide on divorce.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Peas,
u wrote : "But I strongly believe that if there is a strong bond to your partner, you will not look for other people."

Not entirely true. Its in our nature to crave and greed for greener pastures. Even when we are fulfilled, the pull factors will still be there. The only difference is on the push factors.
 

powder

Active Member
well Peas,

for me it's always very clearcut... i have no qualms leaving a person if the time is up... and i dun really care what everyone around me thinks becos everyone around me believe in things i dun believe in... superstitions, customs, date, time, colour, astrological signs, chinese horoscope compatibility... i dun think any of these pple are in a position to tell me how to live my life simply becos i have proven to have lived my life better than most who would offer me those advice... and that's just me.

loving our parents has Absolutely no bearing on our life-decisions with our partners. same goes with frens... seriously are they gonna be sleeping, travelling and making love to the person they think is best for u? so why should they be involved in any influence when u personally know it's the wrong match?

whose fault is quite moot in such issues... u just take note and move on. most impt is to know the Root of the problems, and address them... instead of apportioning blame... only low-level mundane pple spend more time finding fault, than solving problems.

and yeah, i've been going on like a broken record on the Purpose of marriage in this forum for the longest time... if u had money, u'd NEVER marry for the sake of balloting for some HDB... but some pple think money is not impt.

money offers u more choices in life, and that means more options... but of cos some pple think love will conquer all... sure, sure... the quarrels i see mostly stem from financial issues... 10yrs ago, pple stay in bad marriages becos they literally can't afford to sell their HDB due to negative equity. But today, pple stay in bad marriages becos they have negative fears which are so inconsequential... what's so difficult abt telling mum n dad that u do not love the husband u married, and u made a big mistake, and u cannot go on in a life without love... yeah they may give u their version of love, but end of the day they would love u more than him. if your parents dun understand then tat's Their problem...

from where i'm standing, i see a bunch of pple who are too stubborn to admit their error in jugdment... u, parents, frens, and everyone in it who wants to see the marriage last without considering the reasons why it will last - Fear, Resigning to Fate, and all the reasons that Don't Make a marriage.
 

powder

Active Member
as for Piggylover's "DID I MARRY THE RIGHT PERSON?"

it sounds right when u read it at certain intermediate stages of your life. it sounds convincing becos it puts together all the little 'correct things', before telling u something incorrect... Subconsciously as u agree with every scenario... u will subsequently naturally agree with "The Reason"

this type of seminars can convince becos it makes u agree 99% of what's in front, then throws u a solution which u definitely will unwittingly agree if u do not possess a strong analytical mind to refute. (ie, most sporeans are followers)

take away the WHOLE long story, and just reflect on this phrase emphasized in big letters...

"THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND."

this is just abt the most talk-cock, crap phrase that is probably coming from a woman who has RESIGNED to life, and is in the phase of her life where she NO LONGER has options nor choices.

she goes on to talk abt "SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It'll NEVER just happen to you. You can't 'find' LASTING love. You have to 'make' it day in and day out. That's why we have the expression 'the labor of love.' Because it takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it takes WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work."

absolute talk-cock... this seminar was probably from the 70s where women had less options in life. this may have been the seminar that worked for weak women over in the other threads... but for the new modern women empowered with Education, Career, Success... do u think u need to attend such seminars that turn u back into docile domesticated woman who is too afraid to challenge her fate?

how many of u really had to work hard in your BGR relationships? and marriage? those who have to worked hard - Picked Wrongly. and becos they picked wrongly, refuse to admit, and is insistent on the mistake happening over a fcuking lifetime... or maybe TOO OLD to change things liao... Decide to have this kind of seminar to Drag Other women into the same sh!t.

it is one BIG move of denial... to gather other women of denial... and together - u work for something that is Unnatural...

is making each other happy and loving each other so unnatural that we have to put so much effort into it? "Labor of Love" - BULLcrap.

The day u start believing in such things, is the day u gave up on Life and Everything that comes with it... spontaneity, happiness, passion...

this seminar is like our education system telling O'level holders to accept a life in construction, or be a UPS Courier... it is like those little young christians listening to their pastor like he was God himself. it is like little young couples listening to their elderly to pick the right date/time for wedding customs...

How many of u have the guts to stand up and tell the seminar speaker that they are wrong, and quote Life examples to counter them? only those without life experience would listen in like little lambs... no questions, just follow.

some of u here dun even dare rebutt your parents even tho u're smarter, more educated, and knows u're Not Wrong... u call that respect, i call that stupidity... so end up who's living a crap life in order to respect their parents' wishes...

and u'll impose the same on your kids... so for generations, no-one actually lived their own lives... just live for others. well great, just that u cannot say "my life..."...

u can only say "the life i was coerced to lead".

good luck to u.
 

scope_guy

New Member
Powder:this is just abt the most talk-cock, crap phrase that is probably coming from a woman who has RESIGNED to life, and is in the phase of her life where she NO LONGER has options nor choices.

LOL~ Powerful shot.

Autumn Time,

Talk to me again when the women is 60yo, ugly... and your men are not... castrated.

Peas,

About seeker... Man hunts, woman attracts. As long as you are trying out relationships, you're seeking.

As for the rest, I'd reply to you later because I know what you want. But I need to gather the others' views.

In a way... I can help you. But it'd take time and personal interaction, and... I don't meet forumers. Which is the problem. Your case is rare, but definitely you are not the only one around.

I am reading your case with interest. Don't worry, your psychological reading is very healthy. You just need a major fix-up. Nothing much.
 

whitelv

New Member
hehe powder - i've been struggling very hard to try and live my own life. accepting fate, listening to your parents, parents know best, are our asian culture. i agree it's absolutely rubbish. it's just elders thinking they know best and forcing their views on the younger generation. instead, i feel they should give constructive advice, listen to the problems with an open mind and not be clouded by their own traditional values. I absolutely hate living according to how my parents expect me to behave e.g. reaching home at 11+pm is very late. When I ignore them, I'm seen as rude, disrespectful and rebellious.

We shouldn't force ourselves to love someone but making an effort to keep the love special is the way to go.
 

whitelv

New Member
scope guy:
thanks! it'll be great if you could share your thoughts. i don't have friends who are like myself so it's very difficult for others to understand me.

are you a psychologist?

i just need to know what i want, stick to it and not keep thinking about other factors. for now, it's commitment im lacking in. will try to improve on that.
 

scope_guy

New Member
Peas,
Technically speaking, I deal with people's relationship issues. I am not a counsellor, I am some sort of a 'doctor'. Women psychology is part of the tools.

Your problem is very simple. But to deal with your problem, I'd need to see you. But my fee is usually pretty steep. LOL~ Never mind, you get foc if I feel like breaking my own rules to see you. I don't need money anyway.

Before the forum goes too astray... Actually you have found someone who could very likely be your true love. But you are just psychologically not prepared. Or you can say, you are a candle not lighted up yet.

Today you find another man whom you'd die for... Most likely you'd still remember your husband and he really has a place in your heart... (eg) when that Mr Wonderful ends up a brutal sex-maniac or something, I suppose the first man you'd think of would be likely your husband.

Your current issue is hence... the need for you to know yourself, and to help you relax, and to bring your soul out... with love. I may need to see your husband as well.

You are not lacking in commitment... You are lacking in romance... LOL~ You lack some self-discovery. Don't worry, women are like that. One case... involved a woman who went through an ordeal to finally realise that the 'perfect' man she has been looking up and down for is actually the man she has dumped.

Saying this, you'd find such stories familiar. You just need help to wake up. Some sort of self-awareness issue won't really kill.

NEVER focus on commitment, my dear. Focus on eternal bond, hence love. This guy is for you eternally... Look at all your sexy adventures... and he's still with you. Unless... Hmm... he's so pathetic and cannot worth another woman's attention... I think you get yourself done and...

LOL~ Baby, where in this world will you find such a man who will be with you no matter how much how hard you hit him? How many men will have such everlasting feeling for their women through all those nosense you confessed are of your doing?

This is a man you cannot just kick aside. He is already in your heart. You just don't understand. LOL~

Don't worry, small problem. If he's your man, your One... I'd just teach him how to win a woman's heart, how to be romantic... when you yourself are ready for him.

I am a seeker myself... Too bad, I haven't found that One. Of course... I may be wrong. That man could be really so... unattractive but you're stuck with him and such. Well...

Well...

What you want may already be right in your hands...
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Peas, about your folks. Their ideas are so deep rooted, its unrealistic to just expect them to change their views. But it doesn't mean it will never change. You cannot wait for their blessings and expect them to change. If you strongly believe in yourself, then do what its required to pursue it.
What many have been telling you is that you need you discover yourself. Else, you will always be confused whenever your heart and emotions move. That is bound to happen in a vicious cycle.

No matter how patient your husband is, you are not getting what you want. Do see a marriage counsellor if needed. No one can tell you what to do, even the professional counselors. They merely systematically guide you to your own answer through self discovery.
 

whitelv

New Member
Scope
hee i hope my "case" will help you in your work.

My hb definitely has a place in my heart but why? becos he has ALWAYS been there for me, he IS my safe harbour. He himself knows that. Whenever r/s goes bad, I find him there for me. I used to think I'm so fortunate but this is totally wrong and look what it has led to. It'll be making the same mistake again to go back to him just because he is there for me. Yes, he makes the perfect hb but no, i am definitely not committed to him or even slightly ready to love him wholeheartedly. Honestly speaking, I'm not confident at all if a better guy comes along next time, I won't fall for him. Then it's back to square 1....and worse if we ever have kids.

I'm quite attached to hb cos we've been together for so long, i know him quite well. we've reached that comfort level. well, he's not unattractive but i guess soft-spoken which is a trait that doesnt complement mine. I find it hard to have serious talks with him about our problems....when I face him, I just totally shut down and not say a word. maybe it's cos he will come up with a whole lot of theories/opinions about how things should be and "advice" me so i feel that i have nothing left to say. casual everyday talking-wise we can talk about anything. so i find that odd too.

So you are actively seeking? How would you know whether the person is the One? Everyone's been telling me to discover myself. I get that but how to go about doing it??

MiLo
Thanks MiLo. Yeah I better see a marriage counsellor. I also wanna know whether 2 of us are meant to be together or better to be separated.
 

scope_guy

New Member
Peas,

Don't worry. You can listen to the rest of the folks here, you can also go to a local counsellor... But they won't have the real answer to your problem.

Let me point out the blatant truth here... so for the benefit of those smarties around in this forum as well about your case, before they get too high...

As you said... No matter where you go, who you'd see or be attracted to... There will be this one same single man who you will forever be thinking of. He's that unattractive husband to you.

Fine. I am seeking. Do you think I'd date you for love interest when I know very well you have this man deeply stuck in your heart, and one fine day you wake up or you are emotionally disturbed or we have a little quarrel... and you may end up running to him to cry...

Or... from your own third party's view of yourself, will you think yourself be able to date me (for instance) in such a case?

Just to illustrate lah~

Yours is a very simple case... I have been, ahem... reading all those views for you. But if you really want to know how I see your case from a professional's point of view...

Say...

Most women married men who are not theirs, they just married by telling themselves they love this guy and no one else, and this is the guy they feel so much for, and they could 'feel the hype'... until (eg) another woman appears, and their self-denial works double hard to kill their men.

You... You fall into the perfect opposite. This is the man who has already a good place in your heart. Yes... You can date me, date Milo, date Thomas, date lesbians... But the same man you'd run back to will be that man lah... and you know the name.

Hweebs' wrong only because she doesn't understand your problem when she tried to ask you to 'rekindle'. It's like telling me to light the curtains up with a candle with never a flame. She scores a right, but she don't know why...

So... your case is outright simple. Just that your case are more less heard of. As you can see all those forumers jumping in telling you this telling you that... ...

There are such cases. So you relax and help me fish my views of those forumers here. LOL~ If you really need help, if your case is interesting enough... I'd see how an arrangement can be made. You see, while I profit from women's problems... mostly silly problems, but I ultimately do not want women to lose their Ones... or make the wrong decisions. So I'd have to see your husband.

I am also trained to 'see men'. Not semen... LOL~ Cold joke. You see, the problem is not entirely yours. For the long 10 years... you've been together, and he has 'pulled' you into marriage with him. Strange to me how a man could not make the woman desires him... after so long.

In order to discover yourself, I am afraid to the contrary to the smarties' talk here... the local counsellors who... are often lacking in cultural depth and could even be more 'traditional' hence in their thinking will only likely to kill you. LOL~ Most of them got a simple degree and they think they are professional.

But you can try. Because even if you are separated, even if you see someone else... chances are, you could be running back to your 'safe harbor' when somethings happen. Your heart will always point to his direction whenever you need someone... instead of finding someone else to hedge the pain.

I don't know if you are lucky that we met... But let's just say nothing is wrong with you. You are just not prepared. And in order to discover yourself... We'd need to meet, and I'd need your husband. LOL~

I cannot tell you what is true love or the one in your case... when you have no basis to start with. You will have to feel it.

Both you and your husband will have to feel it. So I got this view that he may be the One... HOWEVER, that's from your story so far.

What's the big deal... Once you get yourself fixed, you'd be ready for any relationship. Just remember one thing... do not focus on marriage. And do not magnify your negative feelings because of your perception towards yourself when you are a bride... You can still divorce and marry him again if you are happy and create a wonderful memory. LOL~

The most important thing is, you yourself must wake up. That's all. Many women also must wake up... except they are on the opposite extreme to you. They lie to themselves everyday they love their men, they love the family, they love the marriage... and the men are their Ones...

Aiyah~ Nosense... Come a small tickle from God, and they are thrown to miseries.

Nothing odd... You are so comfortable with your husband, what's so odd about it?

I am actively seeking. My next primary target would be European ladies... in European towns. So I'd need to travel. Best, I'd stay overseas with her enjoying Autumn,snow and Spring...

Trust me, sometimes the smartest women in the world are the most stupid ones... when it comes to relationship. Because only stupid women will listen.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
peas:

the thing u mentioned about your husband giving you theories and fixes for your problem. He is really being a typical guy. Men are natural problem solvers. But, this isn't something women appreciate when they are needing a listening ear. You will probably only appreciate his fixes and advises when u have problems that you need him to handle for you. And he is always so readily available most willingly to do that.

The more you are sharing, the more I feel you guys need to really go see a marriage counselor. Its not to fix u guys, but to figure out if you guys are even compatible. I do suspect u guys are compatible in some sense. But as scope mentioned, he doesn't know how to relate to you emotionally. That comes with experience. Your husband probably hasn't date much other gals that requires his emotional support and hasn't picked up the essentials to provide his partner with this need.

Since, there is so much to worry about breaking the marriage, have you consider this option to really try to get what you want within the marriage 1st. Bridge the communication. The thing you mentioned about him being like a family. I think everyone that has been in a relationship long enough can really relate with that. From the initial sparks that trills our minds and hearts, to the really comfortable mate that integrated so much within our lives. The initial attractions and sparks isn't all just emotions, chemicals in your body contribute to giving you that high feeling that is so addictive.

If the rediscovery leads to a separate path for the both of you, its a affirmation of what you have already being thinking all these while. And if it turn out well, u guys could be savaging the marriage and building the relationship to a totally new level. Fulfillment is an essential element to sustain most relationships. You guys need to find out if you can motivate to give and take in your relationship. Even so, your heart will still waiver. This is something, you have to manage and rationalize within. Life is full of options. Your fate isn't sealed with the marriage. It is sealed by one's perception and unwillingness to look beyond for options.
 

autumntime

New Member
Scope: I can see why you said, "Talk to me again when the women is 60yo, ugly... and your men are not... castrated". It reveals your (I repeat, YOUR) idea of love. Thankfully, not everyone shares your idea of love although you are very much entitled to your own idea.

I've read some of your comments on other threads. Please give me a break and stop using psychological terms. I never had the intention to share this but it's got me so sickened... I am psychologically trained with professional qualifications. Some of your theories are totally warped though occasionally a few rare pearls do drop out. Most of the time it's nothing more than conceited, think-you-know-it-all views. I'm not here to play judge which is why most of the time I read without posting. Some of the regular forumers here like SM, Doll, Milo, Powder, etc often share their views and sometimes good advice and though I do not agree with them sometimes, I do appreciate their perspectives very much. It made me consider things from another totally different view and they do so without having to gun down or talk down another's view point. I think it is enriching to stay open-minded and listen to what another has to say. I may have my own views but so often, I find someone with an opposing view so interesting too. Depending on the theoretical approach one adopts, a humanistic psychologist often will say nothing and give no directives but will work towards helping the patient/ client reintegrate the self and rebuild a positive self-concept that is not based on external conditions of worth.

When I gave my viewpoint to peas, I did not see her "problem" solely from a psychological perspective because that will take me endless of postings and she would have to go on with a good amount of therapies which obviously should not be conducted on an open forum. I said what I said more on a social level, why do more marriages break down these days? It does have something to do with the changing core beliefs don't you think?

I've met a good number of elderly couples who are still so much in love but if you know their life history, they've had their fair share of ups and downs. Personally, I know of a man who falls in and out of love very easily right up till he was in his 30s. As a result of that, he could not have a long term relationship without having a string of infidelities. The ladies were all decent women who wanted to overlook his weakness and have a future with him. Yet, none made it. Until the man himself finally changed his mindset about looks, infatuation, lust, and married someone with average looks (compared to the stunners he used to date). Today he is still happy and went on to have children. He never hunted again or believe that the grass is always greener on the other side. The last we met, he is putting effort into the marriage and is very much a family-oriented man. He is contented if I would describe him now. He communicates often with his wife and places family first place. It's amazing to see this in him, having seen what he has struggled with for more than a decade.

Peas, I believe that if you look back, you might remember the time you fell in love with your husband, the excitment you felt. I'm not saying that you should live in the past. Every relationship starts out that way. Give it 10 years, 20 years, you will feel bored as things are just so predictable. Love-making definitely will be less of a turn on but you're not alone. Thing is, you're likely to face the same issue/ problem with the next man whom you believe is THE ONE after a good number of years.

I believe in making choices especially towards one's happiness but we also should be responsible for the decisions we make. Of course some would argue that it's stupid to sacrifice oneself's happiness to fulfill that obligated responsibility. Well, it depends on how you see some things and what is the real issue at hand. If everyone in the world continues to make irresponsible decisions in the name of self-centered pursuit of so-called happiness, the world will continue in chaos and filled with more broken hearts.

If you really don't love your husband anymore, yes, go on divorce him if that's what you really want to hear. You're biasedly attuned to the ones who tell you what your heart desires to do. You just want moral and emotional support. I see that it will do your husband more good than you if you guys divorce. Not sure if you understand what I'm driving at. You're very lost yourself. You need to find yourself or else you will always be facing the same issue in life.
 

vios

New Member
peas,

he is always there for you because he obviously loves you as a person despite all the shit that he has faced.

he has a place in your heart because you are taking his love and kindess for granted - you would miss him like a 5-star Hotel whenever you happen to encounter some freaking run-down sleazy boarding room.

well, i do think that you hardly make any effort to love him as a person, despite the claims that you do love him. maybe... just maybe one fine day, when he decides enough is enough... pack up and leave, you may finally wake up your freaking idea.

in the meanwhile, you would still imagine that you have a luxury of time with him as your "harbour" but you never know if it is still yours to begin with.
 

powder

Active Member
well for me it's simple...

most pple come into the forum with problems BUT with preferred solutions in mind... else they'd have a preferred affirmation they need. and it's easy to read between the lines.

thing is, the quality of applying solutions, the mental ability to tackle problems - remain very much mediocre and shallow. truth be told, some of the solutions u see are what an 8yr-old would be able to suggest.
 

scope_guy

New Member
Autumn Time,

Strange that you are psychologically trained and you got so sick so easily, plus you are so scientifically adverse.

Still, talk to me when you are 60yo, ugly and... your man is not castrated. LOL~

So what you got a cert for psychology? Dr Chee also got a cert... and he's a weirdo. LOL~ Don't come here flashing your qualifications when you are really pretty useless.

If you don't like my version of love, don't bother. If you feel sick, go see a psychiatrist. I am not here to entertain nosense. LOL~

By the way, it would have come to you that I don't care about what majority of the folks here say or even perceive about myself. So... ^.^
 

hweebs

New Member
whitelv: I'm curious...let's say while we are all talking about this (whether u should leave your husband, work on relationship etc) u/we suddenly found out that your husband is also having a gfren outside, and when u confront him he tells u she might be "the one". How will u feel and what will you do? Will you be relieved (not the only one doing this), be happy that he has finally found his right one, or feel betrayed, angry etc?
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
autumn, its really just scope's style to dramatize his pov in generalized statements. And he heck care that its freaking rude, sickening and downright stuck up. That part is completely uncalled for and mostly working against his own msg. Most of the credit in his advises are diluted by his nonsensical approach. No matter how nicely and clearly one put it to him, it aren't going to change his style one lah.

However, to be fair, this man is generating more than occasional few rare pearls. But probably these pearls are stuck in (his) shit. Can't help to shout out how much it stinks.
 

hweebs

New Member
whitelv:

"I know that this feeling will die down in a few years but if I really end up with him (or anyone else), I would make sure that I decide not to consider other guys….this time with a real commitment."

If you have decided, please start only after u end this/current relationship. Otherwise u are talking about commitment (new guy) while not commiting to another (old guy)...don't make your life so messy.
 


miloice

Well-Known Member
hweebs,

"Will you be relieved (not the only one doing this), be happy that he has finally found his right one, or feel betrayed, angry etc?"

my 2 cents about this...whether she would feel betrayed or not isn't really the point. We don't drag a relationship over accountability of one's feelings. But, she is really unstable and seems every crush is making her waiver. She blames / attribute it to the lack of love in her marriage. Its only one of the reason... she is ignoring her part. Her selfishness, instability and not knowing what she really need. If she did, she wouldn't be in this much of a mess.

I kind of agree with what vios is saying.
 

Top