Topsy Turvy Marriage


New Member
milo, her reaction will possibly be the real feelings she have over this relationship. If she is relieved, she really doesn't see him as important. If she is happy, she is concerned about his well being but not in love enough that she is NOT the one. If she feels betrayed, well...this does make her want to work harder to save her 'harbour', doesn't it? Many a times we are so focused on our own experiences that we are blind to what we love/need...until we see the risk of losing it.


New Member
I honestly feel tat its sad how pple step into marriage w/out gd sense. No insult meant to TS. Its just sad for both parties to have their youth n time wasted + heartache, guilt n confusion when all ends.

TS got married at age 29, which is a fairly sensible n matured age. Yet, sadly the marriage was entered into as a union of comfort, familiarity, 'natural progression' n the stability he offered u. He was not wrong in believing ur words, tat u love him n want to be with him. He trusted in u as an adult to know wat u want n tat the guy u want n love is him. Its sad for him. I do not understand y others look upon u n ur husband as an ideal couple n envy the both of u. Maybe its because u always portray a beautiful pic of ur r/ship. For u to have to share ur dilemma on the forum instead of sharing with ur frens is also sad.

Its not necessary to have frens who have gone thro the same struggles n journey as u. I do believe tat gd frens have the ability to empathize, analyze n offer gd advice. U love ur husband only for the stability he offers. U dun love him for him n u dun seem to have ever cared enough to want to share his life n truly make him feel warm n hapi. I wonder how much effort u devoted to the r/ship n marriage. Maybe u wonder as well. Betrayal is a v painful n unfair act. It will be gd for u to let go of ur husband, in hope tat he can live a happier life. Its also high time for u to spend time alone to reflect, think n understand urself n ur idea of love, r/ship, frenship, kinship n marriage better.


New Member
From what I've read, if other people somehow see TS and her hb as an ideal couple and still can envy them, either these people are real 'goon' or TS and hb are real actors. How can u be so fake, projecting the image of loving couple, while in ur mind, u don't love ur hb but love other men? Yes, TS's hb may be so-called at fault for unromantic, not being able to rekindle whatever feelings. Feelings come and go. The perfect person won't be TS's hb, neither will that be future men. The perfect person, most prob, will be someone who has the similar mentality and concept of TS, who doesn't seem to grasp 'real' love.

Most likely, TS's gonna eat her words if ever her hb gladly and happily let her go. But then, TS might be too proud enough to admit it. Seriously, u won't know how awful the stung is if u're the one always enjoying stinging others.

Is this a game that people like to play?


Well-Known Member
hweebs, actually, many would selfishly be jealous with their ex new partners. Humans are such. The true feelings? i.e. possessiveness and selfishness in them.


New Member
yahh...but u see, if she will be running back to him because of these feelings in the future, why not use these feelings to try and work things out? I suspect the husband is also 'traumatized' and needs help: how will he trust anybody in the world anymore?


Well-Known Member
I'm suspecting that its not just the distrust. He is probably given up halfway thinking he has no way to please her.


New Member
Maybe it's very one-sided now, with only our TS pondering upon all these thoughts. Who knows, the hb might hv some ECAs outside too?


New Member
Thanks Scope, but I don't need to see a psychiatrist because I don't feel sick generally except when I see or read something extremely repulsive which thankfully, don't happen often.

Typically, I would exercise unconditional postive regard towards everyone I meet. However, I find it rather hard to ignore those who give unsound and unscientific advice while behaving like they are God (of the forum?). Sorry, I really have no intention to start a war here or upset you... infact, each time I read your posts, Scope, I see someone with a very low self-esteem. You do need help yourself, seriously. I'm not saying this to spite you. Do give it some thoughts and deep reflection.

Do you have many failed local relationships before? Are you not able to find love locally? I've seen you often projecting your own inadequacies on local women, calling them stupid and demeaning them. Then, as if lost in your own fantasy world, you delude yourself with European women. Know anything about defense mechanisms? Anyway people are not consciously aware that they are using them when they do. Many things you've said really do reflect and reveal a man with an impaired self-esteem, someone who is highly insecure. You don't realise it, but you're doing a lot to inflate your self-concept of who you are and to even fool yourself... so that you feel lesser anxiety of who you are not?

Some suggestions: Learn to accept who you really are. Rebuild your self-esteem without having to implicate women. Stop seeing women as objects/ studies or cases. Stop thinking that women are created to serve men. Start seeing them as individuals. Last but not least, do me this favour... stop citing research studies because you won't want to start with me on it. Every time you quote "scientific studies", it is clear to someone who studied and conducted scientific studies that you have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. In the past, I just laughed whenever I read your so-called claims of studies. I think it's high time someone corrects your bogus claims so that others are not misled.


New Member
hi hweebs
actually i wish he had someone else too because
1. he wouldn't feel so upset
2. it would be fairer for him
3. he deserves to be happy

Naturally I'll be slightly jealous but I won't say I'd be overly possessive. Well honestly it happened before. When we broke off during the 2 years, he had likings for other girls and I would be very jealous and wanted him for myself. Also another reason why I went back with him. Thats when I was not together with him but yet still living together in the same apartment. Now we are living in different countries, maybe I won't feel the impact as much? I'm trying to say.... when we broke up last time, I didnt' feel it was a clean break cos he was always physically around. he was probably hoping to reconcile thats why he hung around? is that why i take him for granted?


New Member
people see us as the perfect couple because we hardly ever quarrelled or didnt seem to have problems. most often than not, people envy me for having such a loving partner. that is why they think we are perfect! it's not that we try and act like a perfect couple. by the way, this is mostly from a girl's point of view. as for my parents, they love him so much (cos he is the filial type), they wouldn't care whether i really wanted to be with him. they just want him in the family. at least thats the feeling i get and probably thats why nobody ever gave me a prep talk about marriage/love. so sad


New Member
hmmm whitelv, then it's your call lor...what you want to do. I think it will be good if you can find the source of your dissatisfaction (with love?) and insecurities, so that you become more 'whole' to be able to give and receive love better. Now your fears and insecurities and the need to be nurtured and love are all tangled up together...that's why situations are as such today. If you can try to resolve your issues, I think you will open yourself to receiving 'better quality' love.


New Member
Autumn Time,


Go on. Tell me more. LOL~

I suddenly find you very interesting.

But I have built up a very strong interest in having a break-through of my own lovelife... so I am looking forward to go on my search in Europe.

You know, in this cultural desert... people have always hold two opinions about me: I have complexes, I am super-confident.

Aka anyohow shoot.

Totally contradictory. Luckily, I am also a traveller and I stayed here and there overseas and am exposed to more people so I can make a comparison.

Just like Hweebs, she told me I have depression... but an assessment of depression usually must come with a diagnosis of Insomia and lack of Taste for food in a prolonged fashion (a least for a few days).

I can only tell you all you said here about me are craps. That's because I am not the usual type of guys you've encountered.

Unsound advice... LOL~

I don't understand how people like you can delude yourself to such an extent... Even when Powder can wake up on Piggylover's crap... and you... LOL~ You are just unsound yourself.

Despite of your nosense, you should come to me when you are 60yo, ugly and your man is... not castrated. And take note of this, no sound person will grab a silly example of assumed wellness to deal with people's problems. It's like telling me:
Look at that 80yo man... I see him really, smoking for all his life... He's OK! He's there enjoying his life, hence smoking is ok...

You know, I hate to be rude, but I don't like nosense. Self-esteem... I think you are having a big problem with that. You know, people with high self-esteem are usually people who don't even care about what craps others have for him... for eg, Me.

People with low self-esteem are like people who insist on craps and got disturbed easily by other people with higher self-esteem... hoping a small little puny cert of psychology will save his/her face... for instance... Who.

You studied psychology, I thought you should know this. You read and read and read about me here, but you still don't understand... I am the type who can't be bothered about everyone else... unless you have something concrete or interesting for me. LOL~

Go on guessing. I find this most amusing.


New Member
Scope: You don't care what others think? I doubt so very much. It's narcissism at its peak! lol You keep saying that you don't care when the fact of the matter is that you actually do very much, and that's reaction formation for you. You're fooling yourself by unconsciously swinging to the opposite end of how you really feel/ desire in order to hide your real feelings.

Depressed? No, I don't think so you are. I still think it's a case of identity deficit.

I can go on and on with you but I really don't want to spend that time and effort. So I wish you well and hope you'll work towards a healthy self-esteem in an adaptive way. Your maladaptive behaviour is evident throughout your posts in various threads.

Have a nice life, Scope! I still like you regardlessly.


New Member
"Just like Hweebs, she told me I have depression... but an assessment of depression usually must come with a diagnosis of Insomia and lack of Taste for food in a prolonged fashion (a least for a few days). "

The depressed person can also swing to the other extreme and sleep way too much and overindulge in food.


New Member
Autumn Time,


There are two things about internet engagement. First, I don't bother about you people... since I am not prepared to meet any of you offline. So... You can shoot for all you want about how much I am bothered.

Even Milo knows, I can't be bothered. You'd soon learn...

And second thing... cyberspace, which is forums or blogs or even tweetings and all those... they are just for fun. Xiaxue once said she was going to change sex... Eh? And now she is married as a bride. LOL~

I thought you read my views. With your psychology qualifications... didn't your lecturer give you any proper training on making judgements?

Hmm... After this, I am going as usual for a good meal, then for a few movies, maybe got time then go massage and shop... and before I sleep, I'd come here and take a peep.

I am fooling myself for what? Don't you ever get it? You are the one who has been shooting without a basis. You don't even know me. If you know me, you'd realise that I am really a big bo-chap. LOL~

I am just finding you amusing. I am *reading* you... Interesting personality. I always wonder... Why are people so engrossed in being defensive even if it were to be pure crap.

Again and again, come back to me when you are 60yo... Before that, you can cite any examples, go to any seminars, shoot whatever you want... You think I even care? LOL~

I think Hweebs know, even if she said I what depressed... I am not bothered, nor really offended. See? I still talk to her in the same... stuck up, arrogant, bo-chap, whatever way.


Read more about self-esteem. I have entertainment elsewhere so... till the night. Have a nice day!


Hmmm... Perhaps so. LOL~


New Member
Peas, I honestly think tat its not impt wat others think or how they view ur marriage. It is how the couple view their marriage tat is impt. I dun think u ever played or tried to play the role of a wife well over the past 6mths of ur marriage. U really should stop dragging things on n let go of a marriage u were nva interested in. Dun prolong ur foolish n ignorant mistake n be fair n accept ur heavy responsibility in the entire matter.

It sounds like u arent honest or close to ur family n frens. Otherwise, u would have shared ur true tots n feelings with them over the past 10yrs. U are just guessing tat ur parents adore ur hubby a lot n tat they dun care abt ur happiness. To be fair, I dun know if they care abt ur happiness or if u even know tat true filial piety involves not lying to ur parents n bringing shame to them. With u having an affair outside, it opens room for ur parents to be ridiculed on their lack of parental guidance. If ur parents truly like ur husband cos of his gd qualities, i'm sure they would not want to bring him pain by binding him to u, just so tat they can have him as part of the family.

We may have the rights to ruin our own lives, but its extremely selfish to waste other's youth n ruin their lives. It is also v senseless n immature to lament tat u were not given a marriage/love preparation talk. At age 29, one is cognitive n resourceful enough to read books, browse the net, go for marriage talks n courses, go for religious talks, read forums, have discussions w frens n colleagues etc. If u can have gd sex w/out ur parents or frens giving u a sex talk, then u should be able to establish a stable healthy happy marriage w/out others giving u a marriage talk.

U made the selfish senseless choice to step into marriage w/out proper love n commitment. No1 placed a gun to ur head. U also made the horrible choice of betraying ur marriage. Dun make more terrible choices. Step out cos u dun even understand the basics of love, giving, commitment, honesty or trust. Start reflecting n reading n try not to step into another r/ship till u can sufficiently appreciate n contribute healthier to love.


New Member
yes i have not had the mindset of being a wife, much less being committed as one. we were living apart in diff countries even before getting married and see each other for short periods of time about twice a month. i pretty much feel single.....actually my colleagues can tell and they always tell me it's unsustainable to be apart from hb.

Scope Guy & Autumn Time:
Do's good to have different opinions and learn about another angle of viewing things from people. hehe i don't think it's a good idea for forumers to meet anyway.

I'm going to have a heart to heart talk with hb soon (when we both have the time) and see what comes out of it. I do have some questions for him too.


New Member

Think I hurt Autumn Time's esteem too easily. She/he is probably too bothered. I am just teasing her. She/he's so funny!!! LOL~

You should have a talk with your husband, but I doubt it'd go anywhere. HOWEVER, do try to remember the feel of this talk. It MIGHT come to be handy in future... ... LOL~

Last but not least...

Any questions from a woman to a man... you must think carefully about how to shoot and what to expect. OK?

I watched Prince of Persia and most importantly Letters to Juliet... But you should watch Shrek4. Sometimes, you are so indulged in something, and you thought hence you desire something else... but you realise that all you ever wanted were already there...

For me, I watched Letters To Juliet... It's not the type of movie I want to watch but, for time-killing it's the next movie to Prince available... But it ended up the Letters To Juliet appeals to me more than Prince. LOL~

I have met someone... I missed someone, like that old woman... after 50years, from a letter, she embarked to search for the old man. Think of it, what if the old man's wife were to be still around? Why did she start searching for the old man?

What was the motive of 'Juliet'?

I know what the story is... ... But these are European women and men. The girl in the story is engaged... half-married. The girl found true love... the guy did try to reach the girl but...

Anyway, it's a happy ending. I love the story. And I want to go to Europe all the more... They are so romantic.

See? Everything in life is... so easy yet so hard. If your true love is engaged or married... what will you do?

I'm going to Europe. ^.^

Love, Peas... Love love love. The essence of relationship between a man and a woman is always love. I sincerely wish you all the best. But... in the future, you'd probably need me. LOL~

Till then.


New Member
I just read this from a book by Brenda Schaeffer..and thought to share it here

Twenty Signs of Healthy Belonging

1. Allows for oneness and separateness
2. Has healthy boundaries
3. Creates a feeing of safety
4. Brings out the best qualities in ourselves and others
5. Accept endings
6. Is open to change
7. Is vital and alive
8. Encourages true intimacy
9. Is not afraid to show feelings
10. Gives from the heart
11. Accepts differences and limitations
12. Encourages self sufficiency and self esteem
13. Knows what love is (Love as defined by Fromm is "the expression of produciveness [which] implies care, respect, responsibility and knowledge; a striving towards growth and happiness of the loved person, rooted in one's own capacity to love")
14. Accepts and respects commitment
15. Has a bottom line
16. Has a high level of trust
17. Experiences healthy sexuality
18. Has a realistic vie of romance
19. Cares with detachment
20. Affirms equality and personal power of self and other
Hi Peas,

Did you manage to have a heart to heart talk with your husband? I think your husband definately loves you a lot more than you love him. It is just that he is not expressing the love in the ways that you want. And that is really up to you to tell him what kind of reactions or expressions of love you expect from him. Are you his first love? In my humble opinion, guys are usually not very clever in guessing women's thoughts in their 1st or 2nd relationship, and it is part of the girlfriend's role to "train" him in this aspect.

And both of you have been together for 10 years, so what's the hurry to have a divorce now?


New Member
i facing almost the same situation as Peas.. just that my story is slightly different.. We are getting marry but I still in dilemma if I love him or not..

may I ask.. if u feel hurt when hurting your partner.. does it means love?


New Member
I really don't know...

There is nothing wrong with him.. my parents and friends love him, and everyone feels that I am a lucky person.

We been together very long.. same like Peas..

Its not about the sparks things.. cos I cant even tell if it is love or security in the first place.. and I getting married is becos I not getting young, and also for the reason, I do not wish to stay with my family.


New Member

We can start to prepare a divorce lawyer for Tomato... LOL~


Why not just get married and... see how? Try try... get pregnant, have kids...



Shit, I am getting back to my naughty self again... ... LOL~

OK, you know why hookers have sex with men? It's for EVERYTHING other than LOVE. A good hooker can get tons of cash, security to get a condo she fancies... and she isn't young anymore... because an old hooker will not get clients...

I am sorry, but I despise women who marry like that. Perfect losers... Love is not about sparks... It's the powerful feel. Does he love you forever? Do you really love him forever?

If not...

Go be a hooker, you'd get your dream homes. You got condoms. If you need a child, there is a sperm bank.

If you don't love him truly, don't waste his time. If he doesn't love you more than 7 years or 7 months...

Don't waste your own time.


Well-Known Member
becos I not getting young, and also for the reason, I do not wish to stay with my family.

If those are the reasons for marriage. Then, get your expectations right. Don't be shaken and want romance out of the blue in future. Don't expect love because you aren't even in it for love. Know what you are getting into. Life is a long walk. Can you face him that long? If you are not sure, why jump into it?


New Member
you marry bcos u not getting younger???

you marry bcos u just dun wanna stay with ur family???

you marry just bcos of the fact u two have been together since god knows when???

oh gosh...tomato, pls rethink again before u turn into ketchup...pardon the pun.


New Member
I'm confuse. Just like I said earlier, I don't know if I love or don't love?

I know he can take care of me and I know if I will be dying if he is not around but is this consider love? I'm sure that I will find it hard to have another relationship even if we are not together.

Or is it we are together for long time that I forget that feeling?

I'm feeling guilty and selfish...


New Member

You are feeling guilty and selfish...

Why not you get married and just sleep with him? If that makes you feel happier, why not?

You haven't been with a relationship with someone else, don't assume too much.

Just get married. Hweebs will find you a good lawyer to stand by. You'd need it soon enough. LOL~

So funny ah~ LOL~!!!

Tell you what... toss a coin, head you marry, flowers you toss again. Just keep me posted on your marriage. ^.^


New Member

best thing you can do now: stop.

then think over

and find an answer.

If u want, get him to find the answer together with you.

Go for premarital counselling if u need.

After u get your answer, then proceed, be it getting married, moving on, or let the relationship mature further.

Don't jump into the unknown like u jump down a cliff.


Well-Known Member
its your life. Take charge of it. If you just go with the flow without getting a grib on yourself, u will for ever be leaving things to chances.


New Member


You are like marrying for all the wrong reasons. I don't even know wth you are thinking.

If you want to get away from your family, you can move out.

I can't believe I am saying this, but I actually agree with Scope on this one.


New Member
I was referring to both your posts but yeah, the way she's treating marraige, she might as well flip a coin.

Milo's post was extremely wise. If Tomato decides to get married, don't expect love. Don't come onto this forum a year later and complain.

Thomas: lol ketchup!


New Member
Hi AB,

She and May Ong are the same. May Ong thought she has overcome... I don't think so. As for Tomato...

Who knows, if that man really is her One? LOL~ So what she is marrying for all the wrong reasons.

If she isn't already a virgin, just get married anyway. Try try. LOL~ Sounds funny.

Psychologically speaking, even if she subsequently has a decision, I doubt how reliable she would be to herself of making a decision (of whether she does love or not).

This type of women is very interesting precisely because they tikam all the way, and they NEED to tikam. It's very unlikely she'd know what true love is, unless perhaps after 10 years... or 20 years and she knows her man still loves her, which is likely he's the One. But that's crazy, because she'd be very old already. LOL~

So... she's the type who needs to gamble. High chance is, she'd lose. But what has she got to really lose? Nothing in real. If the man is not the One, she's just losing someone she should have lost. But she'd get her answer faster.

Just get Hweebs to stand by with a good lawyer... LOL~


New Member
Tomato: plsss think twice before getting married. DON'T make the same mistake as I did and regret. once you're married, it's so hard to reverse the process. u kinda sound like you love him cos u said you'll die without him. isn't that a sign of love already? or are you just attached to him becos he's been around with you for so long?

Nway i just had a heart to heart talk to hb. i feel that i dont hv romantic feelings for him anymore. i don't feel like im married at all (seriously) cos we have been apart for 1.5 yrs. im v sure i can't fulfil my vows to him....very sadly and i've been upset about it so no matter how painful it is, i shouldn't wait too long to waste anymore of his time.

think i might need a lawyer real soon *oh wellz*


Well-Known Member
hi peas,

what happened since your last post? Is divorce inevitable? Have you guys went to a counsellor for help to sort out both your thoughts and issues? Are you with the new guy now? Has the communication further broken down and the trust and marriage deteriorated further? What does your husband feel about about the situation currently?

If you prefer not to talk and only want to move on, I respect that decision. Take care.


New Member
hi milo

since my last post, i just left it as that...everytime he came over to sg, we'd go out but keeping our distance. it felt very awkward and quite painful for me. i haven't had the chance to talk to him cos everytime i wanted to bring it up, i couldn't start and didn't know how to. communication between us really isn't great....i realise he always misinterprets what i say sighs so i get quite frustrated. i'm really at the stage where im good with his company, going out shopping and hving meals together but communication has definitely broken down.

i guess there is hardly anymore's my fault. on my end, i feel really "watched" whenever i use my phone beside him. emotionally i am kinda haunted. any explanation y? everytime i go to a wedding and when the couples say their vows, i would almost break down in tears. i'd feel a very deep sadness. i wonder whether it is a feeling of regret.

hb is taking it quite well. he says he is quite devastated and he is sure i am the one for him but if i don't love him then there's no use to go on. he knows i am a person who doesn't know what i want which is very true. he wants me to think over carefully. this is really hard for me.

then he tried to "brainwash" me by saying LOTS of singapore guys and girls are out for a good time and i may get cheated (probably he's trying to hint abt the new guy).....he does appear to manipulate me sometimes so i said stop saying all these things cos it affects my decisions unhealthily.

well we left it at "most likely" annul but may talk further


Hi Tomato

You only need to answer one simple question to decide whether to go ahead with the marriage.

Right now, he is able and will be able to support you and take care of you. But life is never predictable.

Should the day ever come, and he becomes ill or paralysed. Are you willing to go through life with him, and care for him and love him?

All is fine and dandy now. It is easy to say 'get married' because of one reason or another. If your answer is 'yes', I'd say you should get married. But if your answer is 'no' or 'I don't know', then don't.

In sickness and in health, in good times and in bad.


Well-Known Member
hi peas... the communication is clearly broken.

If you guys want to rebuild the marriage, it has to be from scratch without expectations and pressure. Things probably couldn't get any worser. Feelings cannot be forced. This is the only thing you guys can do to savage it.

If you have already come to the decision, then stick to it. Don't think back anymore. Move on.