I’ve only been married for 6 months but things had started to go wrong after the 3rd month. Think my story is rather complicated. To everyone else in the world, we are THE perfect couple that everybody wishes they could be but nobody knows what is happening now and I am clueless how to tell my family and friends should our marriage fails in the end. You guys may not sympathize with me cos im the reason why this marriage is failing but I really want to get out of this mess and feeling quite frustrated. Hope I don’t bore you out…..
<u>History</u>
- Together for a total of about 10 years (excl. break-up period of 2 yrs) since I was 17
- First 2 years of the r/s was spent long distance
- Later on he came overseas to study and live with me
- At the 7th year together, I cheated on him by liking another guy so we broke up
- We remain separated but still living together. During that time, I dated 3 other guys.
- Initially during the “separation†period, we were cold to each other, but subsequently we became closer and I continued doing things w him, hanging out with the same group of friends, ironing his clothes, etc.
- After breaking up with the last guy, I was very upset and was extremely relieved that he was still there for me. With my friends’ encouragement, I tried very hard to work things out w him…told him why I loved him and wanted to be with him.
- We finally got together and married
<u>Why we broke up the 1st time</u>
- Our r/s became routine and boring after 7 years
- He is not Singaporean and I never wanted to live with him in his country cos I can’t understand the language and don’t like the culture
- I became very frustrated whenever I go out with his friends/family cos I could never understand their language and I would just sit there smiling at whatever they were talking about.
- I felt he had no direction in his life i.e. career -wise
- I felt academically he was not on par with me
- I felt he was boring cos he’s extremely quiet especially in front of my friends, too soft towards people
- I was tempted by a new guy, new experience
<u>Why I married him</u>
- I got sick of dating other guys
- I know he loves me very much and will take care of me
- He was always there for me
- He places me above everything else
- My parents love him, my friends love him
- We hardly quarreled and had good partnership skills e.g. planning trips together
I started feeling something was wrong when we took out pre-wed photography together. When the photographer asked me to look at him and pretend he is the only guy in the world that I love. I just couldn’t do it….all I could do was smile and pose and the shots turned out normal. Although the thought scared me, I didn’t think much of it….attributing it to being together for too long. Before the wedding, we were living apart cos he had his business overseas and I was working in Singapore. For the next year, I was busy planning the wedding plus extremely occupied with my new job. As with all brides, I wanted a fairytale wedding.
Slightly before the wedding day, I started to get very cold feet. I told some of my guy friends who explained that it was normal. Then I told my hb that I didn’t want to get married but he shrugged me off by saying something to the extent of “deal with it†cos he thought I was under immense stress. Anyway, as everything was set to go, I decided to just go through with it. On the wedding day, I didn’t feel excited at all. I was purely nervous about my speech and getting through the day. During solemnization, I didn’t feel happy or touched at all. I didn’t tear in joy like couples in love. I didn’t look at what was on the marriage cert. When we were reading our vows, I even corrected his English! The sickest thing was when I said my vows, I wasn’t serious about it. All I kept thinking was to get things over and done with.
<u>Post-wedding life</u>
After the wedding, we went on a 2-week honeymoon in Europe. I told myself to try and work things out (although he couldn’t guess what was happening all this while). The trip did help make me feel happier and so I thought everything was alright. After honeymoon, we started living apart again in diff countries cos of our work commitments. Whenever I complained or confided him in my work problems, he couldn’t stand it. He even told me not to complain about it cos it’s a waste of time when I can’t do anything. I was bitter about him not wanting to get an apartment earlier when I really wanted to and now when prices shot up so much, we can’t buy anymore. Gradually, I stopped calling him or texting him so often.
After about 2-3 months, I fell in love with another guy. We have been going out ever since. He is the perfect guy to me and I love him so much, I’m willing to give up everything. I know cos he’s the person I’ve always wanted. Anyway, the hb found out about the guy cos he snooped on me (probably msgs/pics in HP) and confronted me. So I told the hb to give me about 3-6 months to think things through cos after all we’ve been together for 10 years and had so many memories.
It’s been about 2 months of “time outâ€. Things are weird between us now. He doesn’t trust me. We hardly talk cos I’m busy with work and I don’t feel like talking. There’s a distance between us when we walk, almost no physical contact, we sleep at opposite ends of the bed. But sometimes he would talk to me as though nothing is wrong. I really want an annulment but in a fix because my family will kill me. They are too traditional and a divorce means the end of the world for them. I know I will hurt their feelings and hurt my hb the most by what I’m doing. Yet selfishly, I keep thinking why should I sacrifice my happiness for everyone else’s expectations? Attended a friend’s wedding and broke down crying after that cos I felt so much regret that I didn’t do something before the wedding, that I couldn’t feel the way other couples felt during a wedding. Everyday I wish I could turn back time to fix everything but I can’t. I feel very remorseful about what I’ve done to him but I know it’ll be worse if I continue this r/s and have kids, property, etc.
<u>Need some comments/answers to some questions:</u>
1. Did I marry him for the wrong reasons?
2. How to break the news to our family? How to explain to them when their views are so traditional?
3. How do you tell everyone about the failed marriage when we’ve been together for so long and everyone have a misconception that we are a perfect couple – made for each other
4. What should be the next step forward?
<u>History</u>
- Together for a total of about 10 years (excl. break-up period of 2 yrs) since I was 17
- First 2 years of the r/s was spent long distance
- Later on he came overseas to study and live with me
- At the 7th year together, I cheated on him by liking another guy so we broke up
- We remain separated but still living together. During that time, I dated 3 other guys.
- Initially during the “separation†period, we were cold to each other, but subsequently we became closer and I continued doing things w him, hanging out with the same group of friends, ironing his clothes, etc.
- After breaking up with the last guy, I was very upset and was extremely relieved that he was still there for me. With my friends’ encouragement, I tried very hard to work things out w him…told him why I loved him and wanted to be with him.
- We finally got together and married
<u>Why we broke up the 1st time</u>
- Our r/s became routine and boring after 7 years
- He is not Singaporean and I never wanted to live with him in his country cos I can’t understand the language and don’t like the culture
- I became very frustrated whenever I go out with his friends/family cos I could never understand their language and I would just sit there smiling at whatever they were talking about.
- I felt he had no direction in his life i.e. career -wise
- I felt academically he was not on par with me
- I felt he was boring cos he’s extremely quiet especially in front of my friends, too soft towards people
- I was tempted by a new guy, new experience
<u>Why I married him</u>
- I got sick of dating other guys
- I know he loves me very much and will take care of me
- He was always there for me
- He places me above everything else
- My parents love him, my friends love him
- We hardly quarreled and had good partnership skills e.g. planning trips together
I started feeling something was wrong when we took out pre-wed photography together. When the photographer asked me to look at him and pretend he is the only guy in the world that I love. I just couldn’t do it….all I could do was smile and pose and the shots turned out normal. Although the thought scared me, I didn’t think much of it….attributing it to being together for too long. Before the wedding, we were living apart cos he had his business overseas and I was working in Singapore. For the next year, I was busy planning the wedding plus extremely occupied with my new job. As with all brides, I wanted a fairytale wedding.
Slightly before the wedding day, I started to get very cold feet. I told some of my guy friends who explained that it was normal. Then I told my hb that I didn’t want to get married but he shrugged me off by saying something to the extent of “deal with it†cos he thought I was under immense stress. Anyway, as everything was set to go, I decided to just go through with it. On the wedding day, I didn’t feel excited at all. I was purely nervous about my speech and getting through the day. During solemnization, I didn’t feel happy or touched at all. I didn’t tear in joy like couples in love. I didn’t look at what was on the marriage cert. When we were reading our vows, I even corrected his English! The sickest thing was when I said my vows, I wasn’t serious about it. All I kept thinking was to get things over and done with.
<u>Post-wedding life</u>
After the wedding, we went on a 2-week honeymoon in Europe. I told myself to try and work things out (although he couldn’t guess what was happening all this while). The trip did help make me feel happier and so I thought everything was alright. After honeymoon, we started living apart again in diff countries cos of our work commitments. Whenever I complained or confided him in my work problems, he couldn’t stand it. He even told me not to complain about it cos it’s a waste of time when I can’t do anything. I was bitter about him not wanting to get an apartment earlier when I really wanted to and now when prices shot up so much, we can’t buy anymore. Gradually, I stopped calling him or texting him so often.
After about 2-3 months, I fell in love with another guy. We have been going out ever since. He is the perfect guy to me and I love him so much, I’m willing to give up everything. I know cos he’s the person I’ve always wanted. Anyway, the hb found out about the guy cos he snooped on me (probably msgs/pics in HP) and confronted me. So I told the hb to give me about 3-6 months to think things through cos after all we’ve been together for 10 years and had so many memories.
It’s been about 2 months of “time outâ€. Things are weird between us now. He doesn’t trust me. We hardly talk cos I’m busy with work and I don’t feel like talking. There’s a distance between us when we walk, almost no physical contact, we sleep at opposite ends of the bed. But sometimes he would talk to me as though nothing is wrong. I really want an annulment but in a fix because my family will kill me. They are too traditional and a divorce means the end of the world for them. I know I will hurt their feelings and hurt my hb the most by what I’m doing. Yet selfishly, I keep thinking why should I sacrifice my happiness for everyone else’s expectations? Attended a friend’s wedding and broke down crying after that cos I felt so much regret that I didn’t do something before the wedding, that I couldn’t feel the way other couples felt during a wedding. Everyday I wish I could turn back time to fix everything but I can’t. I feel very remorseful about what I’ve done to him but I know it’ll be worse if I continue this r/s and have kids, property, etc.
<u>Need some comments/answers to some questions:</u>
1. Did I marry him for the wrong reasons?
2. How to break the news to our family? How to explain to them when their views are so traditional?
3. How do you tell everyone about the failed marriage when we’ve been together for so long and everyone have a misconception that we are a perfect couple – made for each other
4. What should be the next step forward?