To get married or not?

Winniebubor

New Member
Hi all, will need advise here.

Me and my bf got engaged in 2018 and together for 7 years.. You see these 7 years, I’ve always been the controller because I take the initiative to bring my fiancé out for dates, dates with him I will pay and it’s for my birthday we split. At that point of time, my fiancé was a drop out ITE so he couldn’t find a job. Back then my dad co was hiring and yes eventually he started working there till current. I shower my fiancé with expensive items because he couldn’t afford at that point of time. For me? I didn’t expect much and he will buy me stuff if I asked for it ( I really hated it ) but he’s quite 听话 so I didn’t probe much.

fast forward to our engagement, we got engaged in 2018. He bought me engagement 10k and I understand that it was expensive so I asked my mom to sponsor our japan trip because I wanted him to propose to me at japan (memorable ma). And of course he had t pay his own expenses. And moving forward, we planned our wedding this year, he wanted overseas pws so I said I’m ok (but at th back of my mind, are we able to afford it because I’m saving up for rainy days just in case my fiancé needs money for the wedding) but due to convid we had to cancel our overseas pws. Actually I was relieved because we can save a lump sum of money? so basically everything was planned nicely just waiting for out for the convid. Suddenly fiancé dad got into trouble with illegal money lender and the mom came to my crying that the family was not able to afford the wedding. Of course the first time in my mind was I need to help them, I told her it’s ok I can borrow from my mom and I have own savings to COVER first and after that they told me they own the illegal money lender $xxxxx, I immediately asked my mom if she borrow some cash and she was ok. I didn’t want the wedding to be part of their worries since they are ardy in financial troubles. After the whole commotion, the mother came in our room and told she was very thankful and she start telling me that one of the RICH relative advise them how to deal with the illegal loan sharks and told me they are nice people and what they stay two stories high bungalow and they own 2 companies. Upon hearing that I asked her “ why didn’t you borrow from them? “ and my fiancé mother say they didn’t want too. Immediately I thought it was some red flag so I told my fiancé I didn’t want to lend. He was upset, my mom was wondering too so I told her what my fiancé mom told me and she was quite skeptical too. In the we didn’t borrow them the money because everything doesn’t make sense. I told my fiancé why not we just cancel the wedding? It’s not just the banquet that cost money, we still have dowry, gold bangle and etc. My mom is very particular about the traditions, there was no room for bargaining. But to my surprise, in the end they manage to find someone who can borrow the money. initially they say they couldn’t find but idk how they manage to find someone. I find it very hard to trust my fiancé family after this episode I dk why but it seems like the mother really didn’t want to help her son with the wedding? ( Initiallly she didn’t want to get me 四点金 because I was a hokkien dialect but I told her hokkien tradition also have gold bangle and then she agreed after much persuasion from my fiancé )

And last night my fiancé and I quarreled, you see I was just jokingly saying how rich he is because the wedding and all being postpone for another year so he has more time to save. He lash it out on me saying that he spend so much on the wedding and he was not able to buy anything for himself. I was seriously taken aback bc all these years I showered him with so many gifts and paying for the dates and that all he can say?

and most imptly, these few years where he couldn’t find any job ( 6 years ) and I stood by him, encouraged him during his bad time. is it too much for me to ask him to pay for the wedding? And I told him if he couldn’t I could help actually.
Having second thought about this marriage, or am I thinking too much?
Advise pls.
 

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Huathuat88

New Member
Hi! After reading your story, it seems to me that the main issue is in communicating your feelings and thoughts to each other (you & your fiance). For myself, i never expect any returns from my spouse through the years even if I actually paid my half for wedding, house & reno etc. I feel that when you’re married, money is not the focus here & it should be equally shared by both spouse. If today my spouse is earning lesser than me, i wont hesitate to pay more for our expenses. I feel that you might want to look into marriage counselling before the wedding, and rethink again for both you & fiance if you really want to get married. It seems like there are a few conflicts which are bury under the carpet, and going into marriage his family will have to be yr family as well. If one day his family need to borrow money again, how would both of you go about acting on it? It is important to discuss and see if you are on the same page because alot of time, our minds work differently. Note: We cannot expect the other party to change, but we can always relook at the decisions in our life and be the change ourselves. All the best to you, i hope you work it out!
 

Winniebubor

New Member
Hi! Thanks for your reply. I get what you mean! But if my another half feels like I'm entitled to split half then it bothers me... maybe it's just my mindset but it kinda hurts when your another half feel like he/she is entitled to split the bill. My fiancé earned more than me but he always complains that he has bills to pay and I understand. Yeah Im looking into marriage counselling but my fiancé thinks that its a waste of money but after all the commotion with the family he's ok to go.


If one day his family need to borrow money again, how would both of you go about acting on it? It is important to discuss and see if you are on the same page because alot of time, our minds work differently.
Yes! I asked him that too... he told me he wouldn't help but guess what I found that he's been helping his dad to pay off a few credit card debts and the father even took his credit card without asking! So all this while he've been complaining that he has little savings was due to his dad debt and he wasn't even truthful to me until the mother broke down.

t seems like there are a few conflicts which are bury under the carpet, and going into marriage his family will have to be yr family as well.
Yesss Ikr... There's no other way unless my fiancé is willing to be truthful about everything about his family problems.
 

Chocogal

Member
Hi Winnie, I feel that maybe you have been overly understanding to your other half sometimes that you end up feeling taken for granted. And I can sense that Money issue has been quite a problem here in tis rs. Especially with the recent " financial" commotion.. you have to think about possible eposides of such " financial" problem surfacing. It's not about how much you have spent on dates with him.. to you its fine, doesn't matter cause you feel it's okay and you are not someone calculative..

Marriage is not a one day thing. It's a once in a life time commitment to honor that person for as long as ur both are married.. given that you already have second thoughts about marrying him now. I advise you to go ahead with marriage counselling.. before you want to proceed with the wedding. The basic rule of thumb is trust and communication. If you are able to trust him to be frank and trueful with you and not anyhow throw temper when being throw with sensitive topics. Like finances etc.

Hope it helps.. jia you! Pls do not settle down just caUse you feel you both has been together for x numbers of years.. then it's should be correct to settle down cause of that reason.. it's whether anot you are both able to build the future family together with the same goal..In happiness of cause..
 

newproject

Active Member
I hope this isn't a real story.

but 10k engagement ring? are you kidding?

My engagement ring + bands also not sure got 10k.

and I was earning median to above median income at the time and family have no debts

Your guy isn't the best with money. if you do continue on, please be in charge of the finances
 

ing1

Active Member
I am confused. So is your boyfriend rich or not? Else where did he get the 10k to buy the ring?? Or he was in debt? Or is he still in debt??

Why does your mother even need to sponsor your japan trip just so that both of you can have a memorable engagement? How old are you guys? Why are you guys spending your parents' money when both of you are working adults??

Do you guys have a budget for your wedding expenses? Does your wedding cost more than what your boyfriend can afford? Is that why he is feeling the pressure? Why are you expecting his parents to help with your wedding cost? Are you feeling unfair for yourself to share half of the wedding cost just simply you have supported him financially in the early days?

Beside going for marriage counselling, you might want to sit down with your boyfriend to have a heart to heart chat. Be frank and truthful to each other. Make a mental note of all the things that matters to you and speak to him. Encourage him to do so too. Have a better understanding of each other's finances (including debts) - this is especially important because its a common issue in all failed marriages.
 

Winniebubor

New Member
Hi Winnie, I feel that maybe you have been overly understanding to your other half sometimes that you end up feeling taken for granted. And I can sense that Money issue has been quite a problem here in tis rs. Especially with the recent " financial" commotion.. you have to think about possible eposides of such " financial" problem surfacing. It's not about how much you have spent on dates with him.. to you its fine, doesn't matter cause you feel it's okay and you are not someone calculative..

Marriage is not a one day thing. It's a once in a life time commitment to honor that person for as long as ur both are married.. given that you already have second thoughts about marrying him now. I advise you to go ahead with marriage counselling.. before you want to proceed with the wedding. The basic rule of thumb is trust and communication. If you are able to trust him to be frank and trueful with you and not anyhow throw temper when being throw with sensitive topics. Like finances etc.

Hope it helps.. jia you! Pls do not settle down just caUse you feel you both has been together for x numbers of years.. then it's should be correct to settle down cause of that reason.. it's whether anot you are both able to build the future family together with the same goal..In happiness of cause..
Hi Chocogal, thanks for your advise!! really appreciate it. I believe what we lack is communication and trust when it comes to fiances.

We have decided to go for marriage counselling.
 

Winniebubor

New Member
I hope this isn't a real story.

but 10k engagement ring? are you kidding?

My engagement ring + bands also not sure got 10k.

and I was earning median to above median income at the time and family have no debts

Your guy isn't the best with money. if you do continue on, please be in charge of the finances
I hope you're not trying to imply that the family is in debt because of the engagement lol.
 

Winniebubor

New Member
I am confused. So is your boyfriend rich or not? Else where did he get the 10k to buy the ring?? Or he was in debt? Or is he still in debt??

Why does your mother even need to sponsor your japan trip just so that both of you can have a memorable engagement? How old are you guys? Why are you guys spending your parents' money when both of you are working adults??

Do you guys have a budget for your wedding expenses? Does your wedding cost more than what your boyfriend can afford? Is that why he is feeling the pressure? Why are you expecting his parents to help with your wedding cost? Are you feeling unfair for yourself to share half of the wedding cost just simply you have supported him financially in the early days?

Beside going for marriage counselling, you might want to sit down with your boyfriend to have a heart to heart chat. Be frank and truthful to each other. Make a mental note of all the things that matters to you and speak to him. Encourage him to do so too. Have a better understanding of each other's finances (including debts) - this is especially important because its a common issue in all failed marriages.
- Don't be. Nope FAR from rich. He works and nope there's no debt we planned and discussed before diving into that engagement ring. The father borrowed money from illegal money lenders and he was not truthful about helping his dad to pay off his debts. The dad even went to the extend of stealing my fiancé credit card to LOAN from banks lol.

- my mom is pretty generous to us because my fiancé works with my mom and dad so their relationship is consider close.


- Nope. I WANTED a close and cozy wedding with just probably less than 15 tables? But his FAMILY WANTED MORE and I asked if his family can afford? I'm only expecting 5 or less tables because my family tree isn't that huge COMPARED to his. UNFAIR? Totally because I'm not the one expecting a big wedding and expects me to pay half? We initially agreed with less than 15 tables which then we can get a smaller ballroom but no the family decides to invite the whole village lol and I'm expected to pay HALF? LOL.

Beside going for marriage counselling, you might want to sit down with your boyfriend to have a heart to heart chat. Be frank and truthful to each other. Make a mental note of all the things that matters to you and speak to him. Encourage him to do so too. Have a better understanding of each other's finances (including debts) - this is especially important because its a common issue in all failed marriages.

- We did. It's very hard to understand his DAD debts when all the dad do is lie and lie. And ya we will go for counselling because he's stubborn af and still insist that his dad debts is ' LOGICAL '
 

newproject

Active Member
No . Im just saying 10k just for engagement ring is excessive for normal middle income folks.

But sounds like you agreed together to spend 10k on the engagement ring. Then ok loh.

I hope you're not trying to imply that the family is in debt because of the engagement lol.
 

ing1

Active Member
- Don't be. Nope FAR from rich. He works and nope there's no debt we planned and discussed before diving into that engagement ring. The father borrowed money from illegal money lenders and he was not truthful about helping his dad to pay off his debts. The dad even went to the extend of stealing my fiancé credit card to LOAN from banks lol.

- my mom is pretty generous to us because my fiancé works with my mom and dad so their relationship is consider close.


- Nope. I WANTED a close and cozy wedding with just probably less than 15 tables? But his FAMILY WANTED MORE and I asked if his family can afford? I'm only expecting 5 or less tables because my family tree isn't that huge COMPARED to his. UNFAIR? Totally because I'm not the one expecting a big wedding and expects me to pay half? We initially agreed with less than 15 tables which then we can get a smaller ballroom but no the family decides to invite the whole village lol and I'm expected to pay HALF? LOL.

Beside going for marriage counselling, you might want to sit down with your boyfriend to have a heart to heart chat. Be frank and truthful to each other. Make a mental note of all the things that matters to you and speak to him. Encourage him to do so too. Have a better understanding of each other's finances (including debts) - this is especially important because its a common issue in all failed marriages.

- We did. It's very hard to understand his DAD debts when all the dad do is lie and lie. And ya we will go for counselling because he's stubborn af and still insist that his dad debts is ' LOGICAL '
Hi, seems like it is the DAD who needs to go counselling instead. Did you ask your boyfriend why does he think his dad debts is "logical"? Have to understand the underlying issues too.

I can now totally understand your stance on wedding dinner and I would do the same too.

Marriage counselling can only solve issues between partners, it does not solve underlying family issues, unless your partner actively manages it. As the saying goes - keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. You decide how you want to spend the rest of your life. All the best!
 

pai000000

New Member
fast forward to our engagement, we got engaged in 2018. He bought me engagement 10k and I understand that it was expensive...
When you say "engagement 10k", do you mean that the engagement ring cost ten thousand Singapore Dollars?
Or you mean a 10-karat (gold purity) ring?
 
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taste_life

New Member
From your story, when you said that you showered him with expensive gifts and you didn't expect much in return...

In my opinion, you shouldn't have expected anything in return from him (unless if he's the one who asked for those gifts).
I did something similar to you, I bought someone I adore dearly nice, expensive gifts. I didn't expect anything in return, because I just wanted to make that person happy. And in the end we didn't get tgt, but that's ok, as long i managed to make that person smile.

Well what I'm trying to say is...you shouldn't expect anything in return when you give gifts, trust me it'll make you feel less angry/upset when things aren't going your way.

And maybe, ur bf feel stressed about the wedding because he's still saving up. Maybe he's having financial problem back home. Like what the others has mentioned, perhaps there's a lack of communication between you two.
 

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