To continue or just move on...

S

sj7980

Member
To cut story short, I dun know his family situation when we ROM. Thought as long we both love each other is enough.. He hid family problems from me. Things surfaced out, shocked and accepted, thought is ok to bear with it. Over these few years, more things surface, my in law stayed with us and I do not expect does housework but at least dun mess up. These few years, he tried to help out in household chores but some of the things he did, disappoint me.

His other family members dun want to look after my in law. In front others, filial. After occastion/celebrations, juz sent back to our home and tat's it.

Thought of divorce and get my own life back. Should I move on or continue. Divorce need reasons for it and I hope does not really make him looks bad in front of others.

Can someone give me suggestion? Thanks.
 


miloice

miloice

Well-Known Member
sj7980 said:
To cut story short, I dun know his family situation when we ROM. Thought as long we both love each other is enough.. He hid family problems from me. Things surfaced out, shocked and accepted, thought is ok to bear with it. Over these few years, more things surface, my in law stayed with us and I do not expect does housework but at least dun mess up. These few years, he tried to help out in household chores but some of the things he did, disappoint me.

His other family members dun want to look after my in law. In front others, filial. After occastion/celebrations, juz sent back to our home and tat's it.

Thought of divorce and get my own life back. Should I move on or continue. Divorce need reasons for it and I hope does not really make him looks bad in front of others.

Can someone give me suggestion? Thanks.
Click to expand...

What if your own parents or family needs to be taken care of? Will your husband divorce you? What is marriage to you? It was wrong for your husband to hide his problems from you. For marriage to work, both parties must be open about their expectations, situation and able to share their burdens together. If it is a sham relationship and you feel short changed, then why drag? There is no happily ever after. Life is such, we will face with all kinds of hardship and trials. That is what make us grow and become better people, cherishing what really matters to us !
 
S

sj7980

Member
Miloice: I agreed with you that for marriage to work, both parties must be open about their expectations, situation and able to share their burdens together.

I had tried my very best and take care of his family too. Too stressed that made my health ruined too...
 
miloice

miloice

Well-Known Member
sj7980 said:
Miloice: I agreed with you that for marriage to work, both parties must be open about their expectations, situation and able to share their burdens together.

I had tried my very best and take care of his family too. Too stressed that made my health ruined too...
Click to expand...

As family, you can only do what is within your means. Not more. We don't owe anyone a living. Every family have their issues, no such thing as siblings act blur. Your husband need to confront them abt it. If necessary, employ someone to take care, financially resources shared. My own family also messy, at least no one siam responsibility financially.

When things happen, no one wishes for it, cry till cow comes home, also lan lan. Life goes on, being supportive doesn't mean losing ourselves. Its always looking long term, it has to be sustainable.
 
S

sj7980

Member
I had discussed with him but he dun confront with them or at least have a talk to them on the issues. Emotional and financially resources all not shared. Worse is they thought the house is theirs that they did religion ritals without inform us who are the owners when we are not around.

I agree with you that "Life goes on, being supportive doesn't mean losing ourselves."

That is why I considering if I should move on as I want to regain my health again...
 
buddhabar

buddhabar

Active Member
I beg to differ, i dont believe in living for others.
The responsibilties of taking care of parents lies with their children not daughter or son in law. No matter how much shit and trash you deal with you are not their bloodline and will never be. Put it bluntly, for all the shit you take, when the parents pass on, their heritage will goes to their children. Daughter in law? Son in law? You ever heard of daughter in law inheritance ? You will be deem as money grabber if you even suggest your share. Dont get me wrong, its not about money but in the end your sacrifices and compromises on your life and marriage will not justify . Worst of all, those lazy ungrateful siblings who were brought up by their parents but refuse to take care of them will assume divine rights over their heritage.
I think these responsibilties should be your husband's and his siblings'. All the respectives spouses should stay out of it or perform a similar roles. Lets be honest and trueful, how long can person hold on to the shorter end of the stick without developing feeling bitter. You are selfless? No way, you aint buddha.
 
S

sj7980

Member
buddhabar: "You ever heard of daughter in law inheritance ?"

My in law has no inheritance for all. Our wedding is hard earn money of my hubby and I contribute a bit. Haiz.

Always I told him, these responsibilities should be split between him and his siblings and not his alone to take up all... He always think he need to take care all. Others go overseas without thinking, we go Malaysia, must always call to check as in law will be alone at night. No one even raise up say just 2 days, you bring over to our side to take care...
 
miloice

miloice

Well-Known Member
buddhabar said:
I beg to differ, i dont believe in living for others.
The responsibilties of taking care of parents lies with their children not daughter or son in law. No matter how much shit and trash you deal with you are not their bloodline and will never be. Put it bluntly, for all the shit you take, when the parents pass on, their heritage will goes to their children. Daughter in law? Son in law? You ever heard of daughter in law inheritance ? You will be deem as money grabber if you even suggest your share. Dont get me wrong, its not about money but in the end your sacrifices and compromises on your life and marriage will not justify . Worst of all, those lazy ungrateful siblings who were brought up by their parents but refuse to take care of them will assume divine rights over their heritage.
I think these responsibilties should be your husband's and his siblings'. All the respectives spouses should stay out of it or perform a similar roles. Lets be honest and trueful, how long can person hold on to the shorter end of the stick without developing feeling bitter. You are selfless? No way, you aint buddha.
Click to expand...

its not about blood relationship. My mother in law is not related to me by blood. However, we have build a good relationship that started with my interest in her daughter, whom became my wife. Naturally, I am her son in law and part of the family. Taking care of our family isn't just about responsibility. Its humanity. Life is a walk full of different phases. Baby learns to feed themselves, we teach them, when our parents age, they once again need help. We are all helping each other through the phases in life. At the end of the day, I agree that we DO NOT live for others. However, life isn't an individual walk, we are all on our unique journey and paths will cross. Being supportive, is not an obligation nor a chore. To sj7980, don't just talk once to your spouse. Remind again, it is important and it is not just a rant. It cannot be swept under the carpet. Failure to take them seriously, will mean you take charge to move on.
 
miloice

miloice

Well-Known Member
sj7980 said:
buddhabar: "You ever heard of daughter in law inheritance ?"

My in law has no inheritance for all. Our wedding is hard earn money of my hubby and I contribute a bit. Haiz.

Always I told him, these responsibilities should be split between him and his siblings and not his alone to take up all... He always think he need to take care all. Others go overseas without thinking, we go Malaysia, must always call to check as in law will be alone at night. No one even raise up say just 2 days, you bring over to our side to take care...
Click to expand...

My dad CPF was for his mistress.... as children, we bore his funeral expenses. Why should there be any expectation of inheritance to begin with? If there is, be grateful. If there isn't, so be it.
 
S

sj7980

Member
miloice said:
its not about blood relationship. My mother in law is not related to me by blood. However, we have build a good relationship that started with my interest in her daughter, whom became my wife. Naturally, I am her son in law and part of the family. Taking care of our family isn't just about responsibility. Its humanity. Life is a walk full of different phases. Baby learns to feed themselves, we teach them, when our parents age, they once again need help. We are all helping each other through the phases in life. At the end of the day, I agree that we DO NOT live for others. However, life isn't an individual walk, we are all on our unique journey and paths will cross. Being supportive, is not an obligation nor a chore. To sj7980, don't just talk once to your spouse. Remind again, it is important and it is not just a rant. It cannot be swept under the carpet. Failure to take them seriously, will mean you take charge to move on.
Click to expand...

"Interest in her daughter, whom became wife. Naturally, I am her son in law and part of the family."
When I was sick with Hospitalization leave, I went back to parents house as they took care of me. He will still go work, after work just at door ask if I am ok as he is on his way home. Dun even bother to come in and really concern. Daily Whatsapp and think this is concern.

I agreed that we are all helping each other through the phases in life. My parents also try to be helpful like will concern my in law but when my parent sick with flu or physical pain, he also ignore, dun even come to see them with any concern. Always is I remind him "my parents not feeling well, maybe you can show some concern to them" When my mum call regarding anything include "asking if need to help your mum buy lunch/dinner", he most of the times no pickup or even bother to call back.

I don't just talk once to him. I remind him again and again. Till now I also no really bother anymore and we just go out like couple without really say our future. He always will just ask me if we go down to pay up our house loan:(
 
miloice

miloice

Well-Known Member
sj7980 said:
"Interest in her daughter, whom became wife. Naturally, I am her son in law and part of the family."
When I was sick with Hospitalization leave, I went back to parents house as they took care of me. He will still go work, after work just at door ask if I am ok as he is on his way home. Dun even bother to come in and really concern. Daily Whatsapp and think this is concern.

I agreed that we are all helping each other through the phases in life. My parents also try to be helpful like will concern my in law but when my parent sick with flu or physical pain, he also ignore, dun even come to see them with any concern. Always is I remind him "my parents not feeling well, maybe you can show some concern to them" When my mum call regarding anything include "asking if need to help your mum buy lunch/dinner", he most of the times no pickup or even bother to call back.

I don't just talk once to him. I remind him again and again. Till now I also no really bother anymore and we just go out like couple without really say our future. He always will just ask me if we go down to pay up our house loan:(
Click to expand...
The signs are all written on the wall. Do you really need another opinion. Time your time to reflect on the facts. He is legally our husband but not a life partner.
 
C

Cath_rina

Member
sj7980 said:
To cut story short, I dun know his family situation when we ROM. Thought as long we both love each other is enough.. He hid family problems from me. Things surfaced out, shocked and accepted, thought is ok to bear with it. Over these few years, more things surface, my in law stayed with us and I do not expect does housework but at least dun mess up. These few years, he tried to help out in household chores but some of the things he did, disappoint me.

His other family members dun want to look after my in law. In front others, filial. After occastion/celebrations, juz sent back to our home and tat's it.

Thought of divorce and get my own life back. Should I move on or continue. Divorce need reasons for it and I hope does not really make him looks bad in front of others.

Can someone give me suggestion? Thanks.
Click to expand...

Divorce him. You have the rights to your health and your happiness. The Women's Charter is on our side. I'm divorcing too and I am fighting the case with the help from my lawyer and I am Already negotiating for maintenance which originally i thought was a lost cause.
 
C

clem

Member
sj7980 said:
"Interest in her daughter, whom became wife. Naturally, I am her son in law and part of the family."
When I was sick with Hospitalization leave, I went back to parents house as they took care of me. He will still go work, after work just at door ask if I am ok as he is on his way home. Dun even bother to come in and really concern. Daily Whatsapp and think this is concern.

I agreed that we are all helping each other through the phases in life. My parents also try to be helpful like will concern my in law but when my parent sick with flu or physical pain, he also ignore, dun even come to see them with any concern. Always is I remind him "my parents not feeling well, maybe you can show some concern to them" When my mum call regarding anything include "asking if need to help your mum buy lunch/dinner", he most of the times no pickup or even bother to call back.

I don't just talk once to him. I remind him again and again. Till now I also no really bother anymore and we just go out like couple without really say our future. He always will just ask me if we go down to pay up our house loan:(
Click to expand...

There's a snow ball of unhappiness rolling inside you. Perhaps you have not shared enough details, but base on your posts, you are not happy that you and your husband are the only one to take care of his parents,

Are you not glad that your husband has sense of responsibility? Or you prefer him to be like one of his siblings? Or someone who takes care of parents simply for inheritance?

It's not easy to take care of old folks, but if it is affecting your health, then you have to sit down with your husband and find a solution, but the discussion should not be surrounding "How to not looking after your parents", or "Please ask your siblings to contribute"; instead it's should be "How to better take care of parents while maintaining healthy family life".

Marriage is a long journey of life lesson, we face different challenges at every stage of it. If you are not ready and not willing to accept it, then divorce and let your husband deal with his own problem. But if you love each other and willing to accept this reality, surely there will be a way.

Like what miloice said, is he just your husband? Or your life partner?
 
C

clem

Member
Cath_rina said:
Divorce him. You have the rights to your health and your happiness. The Women's Charter is on our side. I'm divorcing too and I am fighting the case with the help from my lawyer and I am Already negotiating for maintenance which originally i thought was a lost cause.
Click to expand...

That's good news for you! In addition to the 80% flat? How did your lawyer manage to do it? Must teach all women here.
 
C

Cath_rina

Member
clem said:
There's a snow ball of unhappiness rolling inside you. Perhaps you have not shared enough details, but base on your posts, you are not happy that you and your husband are the only one to take care of his parents,

Are you not glad that your husband has sense of responsibility? Or you prefer him to be like one of his siblings? Or someone who takes care of parents simply for inheritance?

It's not easy to take care of old folks, but if it is affecting your health, then you have to sit down with your husband and find a solution, but the discussion should not be surrounding "How to not looking after your parents", or "Please ask your siblings to contribute"; instead it's should be "How to better take care of parents while maintaining healthy family life".

Marriage is a long journey of life lesson, we face different challenges at every stage of it. If you are not ready and not willing to accept it, then divorce and let your husband deal with his own problem. But if you love each other and willing to accept this reality, surely there will be a way.

Like what miloice said, is he just your husband? Or your life partner?
Click to expand...

Why should we be responsible for our husband's parents. They die not my problem. We also have our own parents to take care of.
 
C

Cath_rina

Member
clem said:
That's good news for you! In addition to the 80% flat? How did your lawyer manage to do it? Must teach all women here.
Click to expand...

I found that since he is the one contributing to all the household expenses, i can apply for maintenance based on that in order not to affect my life after divorce. So he has to continue paying regardless the fact that i make more than him or if he can afford to. I'm very glad the women's charter is here to protect my rights. I'm still collecting all the evidences of those payments he made.
 
S

sj7980

Member
clem said:
There's a snow ball of unhappiness rolling inside you. Perhaps you have not shared enough details, but base on your posts, you are not happy that you and your husband are the only one to take care of his parents,

Are you not glad that your husband has sense of responsibility? Or you prefer him to be like one of his siblings? Or someone who takes care of parents simply for inheritance?

It's not easy to take care of old folks, but if it is affecting your health, then you have to sit down with your husband and find a solution, but the discussion should not be surrounding "How to not looking after your parents", or "Please ask your siblings to contribute"; instead it's should be "How to better take care of parents while maintaining healthy family life".

Marriage is a long journey of life lesson, we face different challenges at every stage of it. If you are not ready and not willing to accept it, then divorce and let your husband deal with his own problem. But if you love each other and willing to accept this reality, surely there will be a way.

Like what miloice said, is he just your husband? Or your life partner?
Click to expand...


When I first know him, know he is good to parent but good also not to neglect me. I admired him cos of this gd point. Problem is he neglecting me n always think he is the only one to take care. I tried to discuss with him mentioned tat he can have a gd talk with sibling to share burden. I not asking him to totally ignore parent. He strictly reject it without talking more.

I pain n tired phyiscally, I still do all the things needed. My own parents also unwell. I am the only child n this is my responsibility to take care them.

Before marriage, I frankly tell him I need to take care family as I no siblings like him. He know since day 1 and I dun lie or hide these problems...

I helped them to be better. My in law eyes blur till going to blind. Keep telling them to bring to check after we rom. Now recovered with gd eyesight.

I can say tat I not ill treat or ask my hubby not to take care. In fact, I have them in interest. Not cos of money or great interest to get.

I know he still think of his ex gal.... once we saw her on street, I can feel it and after tat his attitude also change without his notice...
 
Last edited:
miloice

miloice

Well-Known Member
miloice said:
The signs are all written on the wall. Do you really need another opinion. Time your time to reflect on the facts. He is legally our husband but not a life partner.
Click to expand...
what do you not understand? Your husband doesn't bother abt your concerns despite repeated communication, that he is not appreciative of your folks. That he is more concern for you to chip in financially. This man is nothing more than legally married person. He isn't truly your partner because he never did treat you like a partner.
 
S

sj7980

Member
miloice said:
what do you not understand? Your husband doesn't bother abt your concerns despite repeated communication, that he is not appreciative of your folks. That he is more concern for you to chip in financially. This man is nothing more than legally married person. He isn't truly your partner because he never did treat you like a partner.
Click to expand...

Yup. Truly agreed. Thank you for knocking up my sense...
 
S

sj7980

Member
I can divorce with what grounds? I only want to take back my hdb cpf portion. Want him continue to pay the loan I assist him to apply. Maintenance is the least concern. Please advise. Thank you
 
C

Cath_rina

Member
sj7980 said:
I can divorce with what grounds? I only want to take back my hdb cpf portion. Want him continue to pay the loan I assist him to apply. Maintenance is the least concern. Please advise. Thank you
Click to expand...

It is your right to find a new bf, the law is on your side anyway. Just use a condom. It's not considered cheating if you use contraception. He has to pay you maintenance no matter what if he is a man. Nevermind even if he cannot afford it or what, that's not your problem. If he can't pay, take him to court and he will go to jail. Make sure he pays for his irresponsibility. You should demand for your whole flat. Why do you want just your share?
 
S

sj7980

Member
Cath_rina said:
It is your right to find a new bf, the law is on your side anyway. Just use a condom. It's not considered cheating if you use contraception. He has to pay you maintenance no matter what if he is a man. Nevermind even if he cannot afford it or what, that's not your problem. If he can't pay, take him to court and he will go to jail. Make sure he pays for his irresponsibility. You should demand for your whole flat. Why do you want just your share?
Click to expand...
I dun want his share. He also have his own problems and his family still need him to maintain. I juz take back my share and the loan I took on behalf. Tat is enough. Maintenance or not is up to the judge say
 
C

Cath_rina

Member
sj7980 said:
I dun want his share. He also have his own problems and his family still need him to maintain. I juz take back my share and the loan I took on behalf. Tat is enough. Maintenance or not is up to the judge say
Click to expand...

Don't be stupid. It is your right to the whole flat. You can make money out of him to compensate your loss. Why should you make it easier for him to get his share of the flat?
 
miloice

miloice

Well-Known Member
someone wrote "It's not considered cheating if you use contraception."

Go figure how sound the advise really is. I suppose her french bf is very true and faithful to her in the same manner.

sj7980, what you don't need is to further mess up your marriage and cloud your emotions. If you want to leave him, talk to a lawyer for the best advise and start planning for your new life. Whether a new relationship comes in subsequently, there is no rush.
 
S

sj7980

Member
miloice: Thank you for ur advice. Will have a talk with him again. Try out. If still can't then the last resort is to leave.
As for rs, dun think too much at this age. Juz be happy n healthy is most important.
 
C

clem

Member
sj7980 said:
miloice: Thank you for ur advice. Will have a talk with him again. Try out. If still can't then the last resort is to leave.
As for rs, dun think too much at this age. Juz be happy n healthy is most important.
Click to expand...

Have a good talk with him before making any drastic decision.

Men tend to hide themselves from problems, without realizing how serious the problem has grown into.

Always give one last chance to the person you truly love; if it still doesn't work after you try, do whatever is necessary.
 
S

sj7980

Member
clem said:
Have a good talk with him before making any drastic decision.

Men tend to hide themselves from problems, without realizing how serious the problem has grown into.

Always give one last chance to the person you truly love; if it still doesn't work after you try, do whatever is necessary.
Click to expand...
Thank you clem. Will talk and see if it works. If not say or discuss 100x also useless
 
S

sj7980

Member
Any good reasonable price lawyer to introduce? I need a good lawyer with reasonable price as I had elderly parents to take care. Thank you in advance.
 
N

newproject

Active Member
Cath_rina said:
I found that since he is the one contributing to all the household expenses, i can apply for maintenance based on that in order not to affect my life after divorce. So he has to continue paying regardless the fact that i make more than him or if he can afford to. I'm very glad the women's charter is here to protect my rights. I'm still collecting all the evidences of those payments he made.
Click to expand...
Exactly. You are such a noob and loser not to know this.
 
A

arsenal_84

Member
every rs must be honest and open in the 1st place, if foundations are not set well then problems can pop up in the future.

i got a friend who got married with a divorced guy when he was still settling his divorce proceeding, the guy family also has the same issue as TS where the guy has to be the only one to take care of his parents.
they got married and turns out he passed on in the middle of his sleep and my friend was carrying his pre born child.
life often gives one unexpected turn of events throughout and as a single mom now is hard for her to cope, much less vote for a govt that doesn't even care about single parents.
 
N

newproject

Active Member
arsenal_84 said:
every rs must be honest and open in the 1st place, if foundations are not set well then problems can pop up in the future.

i got a friend who got married with a divorced guy when he was still settling his divorce proceeding, the guy family also has the same issue as TS where the guy has to be the only one to take care of his parents.
they got married and turns out he passed on in the middle of his sleep and my friend was carrying his pre born child.
life often gives one unexpected turn of events throughout and as a single mom now is hard for her to cope, much less vote for a govt that doesn't even care about single parents.
Click to expand...
How old was the guy when he passed.
 
C

Cath_rina

Member
arsenal_84 said:
every rs must be honest and open in the 1st place, if foundations are not set well then problems can pop up in the future.

i got a friend who got married with a divorced guy when he was still settling his divorce proceeding, the guy family also has the same issue as TS where the guy has to be the only one to take care of his parents.
they got married and turns out he passed on in the middle of his sleep and my friend was carrying his pre born child.
life often gives one unexpected turn of events throughout and as a single mom now is hard for her to cope, much less vote for a govt that doesn't even care about single parents.
Click to expand...

Don't blame the govt. They are the best in the world.
 
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