To adopt or not to?

[yuanfen]

Just happily married since 03 Jan and am getting ready for CNY.. But have been stressed over this thing and did have a talk with my hubby too. His conclusion is it's up to me when time come.

As you know that i'm born with hearing impairment and last yr just dignose with retinitis pigmentosa, and if my illness worsen, i'll be legally blind by the age of 40. There is no cure at moment and Doc did advice us that there is high risk that my child will get both of my illness, so it's better that i dun have a baby.

Afterall, I do not intend to have any baby in the first place due to my weak health and hearing impairment, and i did tell my hubby before we are getting together so we are fine with it. We discussed and might intend to adopt much older baby(3-5yrs old)if i want to. Or go ahead without any baby.

But dun know why, i feel damn stress recently.. Maybe as age grow, i do want to have a baby. Like my hubby mentions, he hopes that our kid is able to help me to lessen my burden and is there for me to guide my way(night blindness etc)when he was unable to be there for me sometimes. He'll also have a peace of mind if he is gone earlier den me as i've our kid to accompany me.

I know he loves children, but i know he loves me even more. I feel very stressed. In one hand, i'm strongly against to have any baby due to my illness, my impairment, weak health etc, i have slight depression too (it's getting better but not fully recover.) i can't even take care of myself now, how m i going to take care of my kid? And my condition needs me to see doc often, time is getting bad now and i'm not working too. All is my hubby.

In other hand, my mummy told me it's ok to adopt early as now both parents still can manage to help me with it. Else they are getting older as time passes and unable to help me anymore. Hubby opinion is 3-4yrs time den decided wanna adopt or not as he wanna wait till he is more $stable. He did mention too tat it's ok if i dun want to have. All he wants is i'm still healthy.

I love my hubby very much and i appreciate everything he've done for me. I know he is worried abt me. I feel very bad towards him.. feel that i'm a burden to him that he still wanna marry me despite knowing my conditon.
I really dun know what to do? If i dun adopt, am i letting him down? Very stressed..

 

[tomasulu]

gut feeling - you definitely shouldn't.

how old are you?

you should never consider adoption because you want an extra pair of hands to help out. it doesn't work that way and it is an unfair burden to the child. the only reason to do so is if you really want love kids and want one of your own.

 

[vey]

dear yuanfen
i understand ur feelings.

if you and hubby love children and have enuf resources (like $ and helping hands like parents/inlaws) to bring up the child till he/she is independent, then go ahead to adopt one now.
it is better to bring up a child when u r still young...a few years later, u/parent/in law will be a few older too.
if ur situation is very difficult to adopt a kid, then jus continue wif ur present life. Don't feel bad or guilty to your hubby. Just be happy wif wat u have

PM me if u wanna talk further abt it.

 

[yuanfen]

Who?Me?
I'm 32yrs old. I'm considered adoption cos both of us love kid, and it's my happiness to see them growing up healthy, and "you ge bang“ too but i really need an extra pair of hands to help out cos i'm unable to take care of them on myself as i've difficulty of taking care of myself with my condition.

Vevey,
Thanks for understanding my feelings.. Yeah, will consider ur suggection. Nodnod, I'm quite worried abt the resources too. Too many factors to think over, tat's why i'm stressed. I know my hubby is quite stressed over $ too as i need to see doc quite often on my condition. But he always put on a smile and told me it's ok. Going for my eye check-up again next month. Haiz..

 

[vey]

yuan fen
dun be too stress over $... i dun know your financial situation exactly but i think
since u both love children and hv supportive parent to count on as helping hands, then can go 4 it!
There are family that live on little money too...jus hv to make do if u really wanna hv a child, u know wat i mean?
Cheer up for better bealth

 

[yuanfen]

Vevey,
yes, i know wat u mean. =)

my eye conditon seem to get worse as my vision is getting small than usual, faster den wat i expected. Next month going for check up and we'll see how le. Cos if my condition did get worse, both parents are getting old and they'll be worry for my safely too. Dun wanna add more on their burden. And it'll be harder for me to take care of the children le as time pass. If tat really happen, think i'll forgo abt the adoption and will be more focus on my health and condition, so that i can lessen their and my hubby's burden.

 

[simpleman]

But seriously, if you can't even take care of yourself, forget about adoption.

Taking care of a kid is not a matter of parents helping out.. it is a life-long journey of love and care..

Loving children is one thing. But being able to love and take care of them and to give them the best is another thing.

 

[yuanfen]

YEah, Sm.. You'r right..
Will have a good discussion with my hubby. Thanks alot.. Feeling much better. I'm worrying more abt my condition instead.. =(

 

[shatterheart]

yuanfen... perhaps currently adopt some pets... tht will help ease both of u d keen of showing yr care... start of with pets... if ok then proceed with real child....

 

[sane]

Do weigh out the pros and cons though I feel it's a must for everybody to have the blessing of at least 1 kid. He/she can be your pillar of strength in time to come.
It's not easy to nuture a child but with the support of your family and hb, all obstacles could be overcome!
Before adopting, you might like to see a gynae and have a thorough check up too to see whether there's chances for you to have a healthy bb.
Wishing you all the best.

 

[simpleman]

inn,

Why must everybody need to have at least 1 kid?

It is not a must nor a right. It comes with great responsibility. It is not only for us - to have a pillar of strength that we need children - we need to take into account the feelings of the kid.

Of course having kids is a blessing but we shouldn't be thinking that we want blessing therefore we must have a kid. The blessing is incidental. We must WANT,love and be willing to take care of the kids to the best of our ability first - the blessing will come as a consequence.

 

[sane]

Hi sm

What I meant was the joy that a kid bring is indescriable and also having one completes a family. It's a blessing to have one of coz, u must love and have responsibility as well, then it's a must to have 1.

 

[simpleman]

inn,

I agree that the joy is indescribable and probably one of the best thing one can have.

But I don't agree that not having one means an incomplete family. It is more important for the couple to be in the right frame of mind to want and love the child - and not a MUST HAVE to complete the family.

It is a blessing no doubt but it is NOT a MUST HAVE. It is a blessing when you have one. But I have seen couples perfectly happy without a kid - and for people who prefer not to have kids, it won't be a blessing for them to have kids.

Actually to take your argument further.. why stop at 1? If 1 is a blessing, then 2 or 3, will double or triple the blessing!

 

[saggitarian]

hmm sm .. i am not favouring either sides ..

but it leaves me pondering.. for those who dun wan kids .. den isnt it better not to get married .. it makes the whole thing much simpler ...

 

[simpleman]

qwerty,

Yes you can say that - just stay together for companionship. But really no harm in marriage (even if don't want children) because marriage does has practical benefits - like buying HDB for eg.

But having kids is a different proposition altogether - it comes with additional responsibilities and commitments.

 

[bellecityster]

I find having kids sometimes helps to keep a family together. To me, having children around seems to give me an additional strength to keep me going... with or without husband.

btw.. i have no children yet, but i do feel that way.

 

[sane]

Hi SM
Everyone's titled to their opinion.
That's purely my own feel and doesn't mean that I am right and everybody must agree with me. I am speaking from the point as a mummy and also as a woman.

As a mummy myself, I can't describe the tremendous joy of motherhood.

If yuanfen and her hb is ready and with the support of their family, why not try for 1 child?

Even for normal couples, life is never smooth sailing. We will never know what is waiting for us ahead. However don't let the obstacles in front to hinder us from searching our own happiness.

Hi Belle
Yes I agree having kids keep the family together, it really completes a family.
If you and your hb is ready, do try for one.

 

[miloice]

"If you and your hb is ready"

that sums it all actually. One should be ready for parenthood.

 

[simpleman]

inn,

Yuanfen herself already has medical problem - to look after herself - so not to mention having children. I am not saying she cannot have children - but she has to think carefully.

It is easy to become a parent. How many of us can say we are good parents? Just some food for thought. There is a difference between wanting a child and also being able to provide for the child - physically and emotionally.

Just for the record, I am a father of 3 kids - so I know the joy of being a parent. I am happy 3 times over but it comes with great responsibility and commitment. If I didn't think I am able to give the best to my children - I wouldn't want to have children.

 

[sane]

Hi SM

I understand where u are coming from and it's good for Yuanfen to see things from different perspectives.

Because of her condition, she decided against having one but as time is running out, it's either now or never.

As a woman, I can understand her tat feeling to give her hb a child.
Life might be unfair to them but doesn't mean that it deprive them from parenthood.
Yuanfen's health is weak but that doesn't mean that she won't get better.
Being a parent is a miracle, it gives hope and make a person stronger.

I understand on the part of being good parents and also caregiver.
However, we can never predict that unless we become parents ourselves.

Let's say in a average family, both parents are dual income earners and able to give their children more luxuries but spend little time with them or even eventually split.

For Yuanfen's case, she's a SAHM who's able to spend more time to nurture her child and also with the help of her supportive parents and her loving hb. The main key is strong family ties and support.
She might not have time to pondor on her sickness.
Because of her special condition, they might only be able to provide the necessities and in turn her child might need to take care of her instead.
This might not turn out to be a bad thing afterall for a child to learn the value of $ and also caring for others at a tender age.

Of coz these are all my assumptions as nobody could predict the future.

Yuanfen, do consider carefully wit your hb,have a good discussion with your parents, meet up with the counsellor and also do financial planning. Have a proper plan and do
consider carefully as it's a lifetime commitment.

Marrying someone who loves and take care of you with no condition. This is the greatest love that I ever know. And you being a wife, despite your condition knowing how much he yearns for a child strongly want to have a child for him.

Both of you are far better and noble than any other couples I know!

I believe both of you will make a pair of great parents as well.

I hope everything turn well for you

Cheer up ya!

 

[saggitarian]

i disagree on all the above post ..

Apology . but i think you all are too selfish ... what is a kid to you all? a product that is able to give u all satisfaction, keeping family together and to gain what? joy ??

these are jus merely the effects of having a kid but it shld not be a purpose for having a kid

yuanfen ...

my only advise to you is below ...

getting a kid is not to provide hapiness to your husband.. a kid is not a product..

a kid is not a maid or product which can warranty that he will take care of you if ur husband is gone .. practical measures shld be more in place than deciding to have a kid ...

do consider that if u really do wish to adopt a kid .. u may shower him with love now .. but as times goes by and ur health worsen .. do not take it upon urself as a burden for him . in this case .. isnt it pity that happiness is in front but agony is following behind ?

last of all .. if u really cannot decide .. find someone who has adopt a kid b4 .. or anyone here has .. they can provide you with a better insight ..

nowadays .. ppl have a lack of insight ... there is a difference betweern wife and husband love, mother-son love and father - son love ... ppl are just dividing their love of 100 % to different ppl ... dun wish that next time ..anything happen and you all start to detest each other .. and the only suffering is the adopted child..

 

[simpleman]

Inn,

Having a kid, like marriage is about being ready and committed to it. Whether time is running out is immaterial. Do you just get married because you got a HDB flat or when you are already old (30s) and rush into marriage when you are not ready?

Similarly, you can't say time is running out and you MUST have a child now or it is never. The pre-conditions have to be met first. It is better not to have kids than to rush into one and regret later - it will bring pain not only to yourself but also to the kids.

One of the key things is that first we must be able to take care of the kids - physically and emotionally. The joy children bring to you are incidental - they should not be an end in itself.

And it is dangerous and presumptious to think you want to have a kid so that the kid can take care of you in the future. This may not be the case then what do you have - even more sadness?

As for adopting a kid - not only must you find someone who has adopted one - why don't also speak to adopted kids and ask how they feel?

There are wrong reasons for marrying and now as I can see, there are also wrong reasons for having children.

Yes, we should love our children and take care of them to bring them up. But we must be ready to set them free when they are adults - meaning they will lead their lives. If they want to stay with us and take care of us - fine and good but we must be prepared that they have a life of their own. I see many parents so attached to their children (they pinned all their hopes) on their children and when their children grow up they feel tremendous loss and was unable to cope with it. Just look at the number of monster-in-law - these are mother whose love for their children has gone awry.

Loving children should be unconditional - you should not expect them to give back all your love. Of course as humans, if we are really good to our children, they would be good to us but we must take care that this is coming from them within and not out of a sense of responsibility.

 

[clipperjunk]

if your chief consideration to having a child is to help you in the future, you might as well just get a maid or a nurse...to place such a burden on any child is irresponsible.

i once had a friend at work who for no apparent reason broke down in front of us during lunch one day...when enquired, she told us of how her parents were very sick and she being the only child had no one to turn to for financial and emotional support...she was totally drained and physically lost a lot of weight during that time...when the parents passed away, she felt relieved but at the same time guilty for feeling 'liberated'...she claimed her parents loved her dearly and vice versa but the reality of being the sole caregiver can be punishing.

 

[miloice]

One should be parents because they love children and not because they love being parents.

Parents' love should be selfless not selfish.

 

[yuanfen]

Hi Inn,

Do you know that when i first see doc for my RP, doc did said clearly tat i might go blind in the age of 40 if my condition worsen as there is no cure at moment. So there'r higher risk if i wanna have my own kid. She might have RP as me, blind or deaf too. I feel so relieved when i heard my hubby told doc tat we dun intend to have any kids as he knew my conditon.

Now so stressed, so stressed.. cos Pple around me keep asking me when i'll be having a bb? sm is right one thing for sure, which is Why must everybody need to have at least 1 kid to complete the family? i dun want, really dun want cos i know very well tat with my condition, i can't take care of them well and might added burden to them and my family too.

qwerty,

I never ever think of getting a kid is a maid or product which can warranty that he will take care of me if my husband is gone. But i do think of hubby might have a company if i happen to go early so tat he won't be alone missing me.. haha.. =p

Kid to us is not a product.. they really do provide hapiness to us. They are our happinness cos we love them. Thinking of adoption cos i love kid and i love my hubby too. Have 2 abortion before cos i'm too young and met the wrong guy too. since young my health is already weak, due to both abortion, my health is failing and it affect my hearing impairment too. Higher risk for miscarrige too. Already have night blindness le and Now disgnose with RP, the mixed feeling, you know? Finally met the right guy who is willing to marry for who i m. He touches me. I did think of so many factors, I worry like wat you and clipperjunk mention.. I know how clipperjunk's frenz feel cos i do have frenz like her, different is her parents are still alive. And seeing my mum working alone so hard to support us, been worry and cry for me, i dun want my kid to worry for me too. It's so heartpain. that why i'm so stressed..

Yesterday, my depression act up and i was screaming and crying. Have injured myself but much better now. My hubby worry for me and suggest that he would bring me to IMH for a brain check up. He worried that my depression is not fully recovered and need to seek for help. I'm crying so hard and chasing him away. Feel so pain. Keep blaming myself tat i shouldn't have marry him. Now i'm a burden. But he hugged me and said," i'll stay here with you, even u are mad or blind. Your burden is my happiness. Be strong and get urself cure first. Sob~sob.. If my depression act up again, what shall i do?? I'm already so blur and clumpsy, can't take care of myself. Till now my family and him still have worry for me. In other hand, if wanna adopt in few yrs.. how m i going to take care? I know i'm not in condition to have any kid. Dun want to adopt but yet... =(

p/s: Sorry if all of u dun understand wat i'm trying to say cos i'm not good in communication and expressing.

 

[thermos]

I feel with your condition, would really suggest u not to have kid or adopt. Because, your HB will need to take care of both yourself and the kid (lets face it your parents won't be with u forever), it'll definitely be tough on him, financially and physically, no matte how much u love to have kids, but all these hardship will finally take its toll.

 

[sane]

Hi Yuanfen

All the contributions in this thread makes sense and we can review issues in different perspectives.
Ultimately only you and your hb can decide your future yourself.

If you are not ready, please do not stress and don't ever force yourself into parenthood. Don't let this issue effect your marriage.

During the house visiting, people tend to ask the sensitive question. Just simply ignore, don't put it into heart.

 

[sane]

How about going for a short getaway at a sea resort? Sometimes just watching the sea and hearing the sea waves really calms the mind.

 

[yuanfen]

Hi all, will consider your contributions carefully. Waiting to go for my eye check-up next week. Will update after knowing my results and discussion with hubby. WIsh me good luck. =)

 

[shatterheart]

good luck..to u yuanfen.... may d world living being bless u wth d force....

 

[sane]

Good luck to you