Do love really slowly fades in a marriage as time goes by? Why must ppl take their spouse for granted subconsciously as time goes by just because "we are a family"? why must we take our family members for granted? Shouldnt we try to cherish them as much as possible while we still can?
The test of time
- Thread starter melody80
- Start date
Hi Italy, I think there's too much generalisation in your questions.
Time dont't fade away all relationships, instead time serves to strengthen many relationships. It all boils down to what you are willing to do to keep it going.
When i was a teenager, i 'hated' my parents for infringing my freedom, wish i don't have to go home everyday.Only look for them when i need dough. Now as I grow older, i long to see them everyday, even though i'm giving them allowance now instead. Especially after i got married, i cherish my every moment with them even more.
For my relationship, i have dated my now husband for many years and i can only see our relationship getting stronger as the years go by, because we have weathered through many changes in life.
Sometimes we may act out of convenience because we are so familiar with one another, but that doesn't mean the relationship is fading off.
Time dont't fade away all relationships, instead time serves to strengthen many relationships. It all boils down to what you are willing to do to keep it going.
When i was a teenager, i 'hated' my parents for infringing my freedom, wish i don't have to go home everyday.Only look for them when i need dough. Now as I grow older, i long to see them everyday, even though i'm giving them allowance now instead. Especially after i got married, i cherish my every moment with them even more.
For my relationship, i have dated my now husband for many years and i can only see our relationship getting stronger as the years go by, because we have weathered through many changes in life.
Sometimes we may act out of convenience because we are so familiar with one another, but that doesn't mean the relationship is fading off.
Hi habe,
I understand wat u meant by the family part. Me too. After staying with my hubby and leaving my family, i long to see my family too. But then the problem now is with my hubby.
I noticed that we keep quarrelling over small stuffs and when we quarrelled, and im feeling angry, he becomes more angry than me for being angry. And i must highlight my angerness is not those kind of angry for nothing kind or i simply show a black face the whole day kind of gal. Im juz angry when things happened. He will always immediately say that if i wan to carry on this unhappiness then go ahead. I mean when im unhappy during our quarrel, how do u expect me to smile immediately and pretend nothing happened when especially the person im unhappy with is him? When a quarrel starts, we seldom talk to resolve it. Instead he like to ask me to forget abt it and pretend like as though nothing has happened.
I mean how? Its like we are only covering up the unhappiness and not solving it. And because we didnt solve it, this thing is juz going to repeat itself again and again..
When i wanna bring up the matter to discuss when both is more of at peace, i juz wan to solve the problem but in his views he felt that the matter already passed, y should i bring up again. am i wrong to do so? or should i juz be like him forget abt it and juz carry on?
when i say love fades away as time goes by, i mean we seemed to not bother abt each other's feelings anymore. So is this a sign of love fading away?
I understand wat u meant by the family part. Me too. After staying with my hubby and leaving my family, i long to see my family too. But then the problem now is with my hubby.
I noticed that we keep quarrelling over small stuffs and when we quarrelled, and im feeling angry, he becomes more angry than me for being angry. And i must highlight my angerness is not those kind of angry for nothing kind or i simply show a black face the whole day kind of gal. Im juz angry when things happened. He will always immediately say that if i wan to carry on this unhappiness then go ahead. I mean when im unhappy during our quarrel, how do u expect me to smile immediately and pretend nothing happened when especially the person im unhappy with is him? When a quarrel starts, we seldom talk to resolve it. Instead he like to ask me to forget abt it and pretend like as though nothing has happened.
I mean how? Its like we are only covering up the unhappiness and not solving it. And because we didnt solve it, this thing is juz going to repeat itself again and again..
When i wanna bring up the matter to discuss when both is more of at peace, i juz wan to solve the problem but in his views he felt that the matter already passed, y should i bring up again. am i wrong to do so? or should i juz be like him forget abt it and juz carry on?
when i say love fades away as time goes by, i mean we seemed to not bother abt each other's feelings anymore. So is this a sign of love fading away?
Italy, it depends on what you are quarrelling abt - you siad it was over small stuff, since you already acknowledge that they were small, then perhaps there's no need to get angry over it in the first place/bringing it up when it has passed?
love don't just fade away with time for no other reason...
love don't just fade away with time for no other reason...
Maybe its me. Im the kind of person who will ponder and think wat happened. But he is the type who juz forget when its passed. Maybe its still me who dont know how to handle. And all these juz makes me erupt because of supressing for too long i guessed.
No doubt i do love him. And maybe becuz i love him i cared too much abt these small stuffs. I will try to look on the brighter side. ^_^
No doubt i do love him. And maybe becuz i love him i cared too much abt these small stuffs. I will try to look on the brighter side. ^_^
shirleypoise
New Member
Like the chinese saying goes, let big issues become small issues, and small issues become no issue.
If you really love him you should really overlook all the small issues in life.
I was like you few months ago, feel that my hb doesn't want to resolve problems by ignoring them. And these small issues led to our separation. Is that what you want in your marriage as well?
Go and read the book "Why Mars and Venus Collide" by John Gray. Open up my mind about a lot of things, but unfortunately the book was introduced to me too late. Hope it's not too late for you.
If you really love him you should really overlook all the small issues in life.
I was like you few months ago, feel that my hb doesn't want to resolve problems by ignoring them. And these small issues led to our separation. Is that what you want in your marriage as well?
Go and read the book "Why Mars and Venus Collide" by John Gray. Open up my mind about a lot of things, but unfortunately the book was introduced to me too late. Hope it's not too late for you.
haha... italy, i'm exactly like u... my hb always says i'm very bad tempered but i seriously dun think i am. I dun get angry at every single things, and I'm very sure when i get angry, there is surely a valid reason. But to him, all those are just small matters, why need to get angry over it? The worst thing is that, the frequency of me getting angry is really low, but yet, he still thinks i'm bad tempered.
Somemore, before getting married, he'll 'hong' me everytime when things happened. But after getting married, he no longer does that. And during the very first 'quarrel' after our marriage, he already stopped to hong me already, he just left me alone. Well, i'm not really expecting him to hong me every time, i dun want him to think that i take it for granted, that's why i nvr mention this to him... but i'm just sad about it. But, what to do. Now all i can do is just try very hard to control my so called 'bad temper'.
Somemore, before getting married, he'll 'hong' me everytime when things happened. But after getting married, he no longer does that. And during the very first 'quarrel' after our marriage, he already stopped to hong me already, he just left me alone. Well, i'm not really expecting him to hong me every time, i dun want him to think that i take it for granted, that's why i nvr mention this to him... but i'm just sad about it. But, what to do. Now all i can do is just try very hard to control my so called 'bad temper'.
Mrsfong2b,
Becuz i tot small matters if keep dragging wont it become big matter as time goes by and when it erupts, its even worse. So i like to solve it instead...
Two piece,
guess our situation is like the same. He used to "hong" me too before marriage. And slowlly lesser and lesser. I just dun like it when he raised his voice when we quarrel and im angry becuz i felt that im not being respected. I mean im his wife, y cant we talk and discuss properly.
Maybe there are different human modes. I should switch my mode to his and i guess there would be much lesser problems already..
Becuz i tot small matters if keep dragging wont it become big matter as time goes by and when it erupts, its even worse. So i like to solve it instead...
Two piece,
guess our situation is like the same. He used to "hong" me too before marriage. And slowlly lesser and lesser. I just dun like it when he raised his voice when we quarrel and im angry becuz i felt that im not being respected. I mean im his wife, y cant we talk and discuss properly.
Maybe there are different human modes. I should switch my mode to his and i guess there would be much lesser problems already..
shirleypoise
New Member
Italy, that's what we girls think: that small matters will become big matters in due time. Guys dun think that way. Just ask your husband. I've learnt that sometimes they shun the topics to avoid an heated agrument, so y be the cause that agrument?
We girls just like to make things out of proportion at times. If u choose to dwell on the small issues too much, your husband will point his finger at you and say that you are unreasonable. Weigh the pros n cons.
We girls just like to make things out of proportion at times. If u choose to dwell on the small issues too much, your husband will point his finger at you and say that you are unreasonable. Weigh the pros n cons.
me_and_him
New Member
hey gals,
well, I am not married for a long time and am really worried about this matter, have seen many examples of this matter and they kinda ended up in bad situation, really dont want my relationship with my husband to go bad. so... well.. any advices of any precautions?
well, I am not married for a long time and am really worried about this matter, have seen many examples of this matter and they kinda ended up in bad situation, really dont want my relationship with my husband to go bad. so... well.. any advices of any precautions?
i think generally speaking, guys tend to be more focused. what i mean by being focused is that when we encounter trival matters that sparked a quarrel, because it is trival and we think there is no need to quarrel, we ignore. it comes to a point where by when it happens too often, we get sick and tired of it. we start to not respond to conversations and nothing you says matters anymore because we know you're just finding your own reasons to back yourself up. and trust me, you will try means to get his attention, like a baby crying for milk, and it will make things worse. you wun see it then, but when you do, its too late.
you see, when you guys r dating, when you throw some tantrum now and then, he gives in to you. but for how long do you think you would want to do this just to get his attention? especially when it comes to life after marriage, guys tend to have a different set of expectation. as a couple, you get on to a different level in life, where we would expect more understanding and maturity from our partners.
you may think you are not wrong for some instances. but its really not for you to say if you are wrong or not, cos sometimes, you just don't see it.
my point is, don't fend off any conversation you might have with your partner. it really kills the relationship. instead, try understanding and do self reflect. it comes a time where by you will see what your partner is trying to show you, surely not just to seek your attention nor trying to win that arguement. there are things that either 1 party in the rs that is more decisive. learn to trust it.
you need to understand the problem before you can accept it. and you need to start by admitting to the problem. don't just "try to control your 'bad temper'" because ultimately, you are not realizing what went wrong. its just another time bomb.
you see, when you guys r dating, when you throw some tantrum now and then, he gives in to you. but for how long do you think you would want to do this just to get his attention? especially when it comes to life after marriage, guys tend to have a different set of expectation. as a couple, you get on to a different level in life, where we would expect more understanding and maturity from our partners.
you may think you are not wrong for some instances. but its really not for you to say if you are wrong or not, cos sometimes, you just don't see it.
my point is, don't fend off any conversation you might have with your partner. it really kills the relationship. instead, try understanding and do self reflect. it comes a time where by you will see what your partner is trying to show you, surely not just to seek your attention nor trying to win that arguement. there are things that either 1 party in the rs that is more decisive. learn to trust it.
you need to understand the problem before you can accept it. and you need to start by admitting to the problem. don't just "try to control your 'bad temper'" because ultimately, you are not realizing what went wrong. its just another time bomb.
i suppose when you do get angry and let loose, do not do it because you want to be cajoled into feeling better, or to 'test' the guy. i'm not for shouting matches, but i do agree that sometimes frustration and anger builds up and at that moment, you just cannot control youself. the best thing you can do is apologize, the worst thing you can do is expect to be courted into a good mood.
some ppl say you shouldnt go to sleep with a fight on hold, but i disagree. sometimes we put off disagreements until we've overcome the emotional part, and then we're ready to talk about it in a casual and relaxing mood.
i make it a point not to sulk, but i do admit i'm guilty of givin the cold shoulder. not because i want to 'punish' him, but because i know i'm not ready to talk about it, and i'll start crying if i open my mouth and talk, and correct me if i'm wrong, guys HATE it when their girls cry. but he has to understand the reason for my silence, otherwise it'll be misconstrued.
Time doesnt fade feelings if you dont want it to. bear in mind that you may be in love with your new branded bag and keep it spotless for the first few months, but after time, you wont be bothered to anymore, but it doesnt mean you're ready to throw it away!
perhaps one good thing to do is to discuss and let your partner know your coping strategies when u encounter such quarrels. if time if what you need to cool down, let him know early on.
i take petty 'revenge' actually. when he upsets me, i take away and hide his pillows and bolsters when he's sleeping and roll the blanket around myself. he'll wake up cold. the next morning when he realises what i did, he thinks its hilarious. all bad feelings are easily forgotten when humour is involved.
this method may not work for all couples, try to find something that works for you.
some ppl say you shouldnt go to sleep with a fight on hold, but i disagree. sometimes we put off disagreements until we've overcome the emotional part, and then we're ready to talk about it in a casual and relaxing mood.
i make it a point not to sulk, but i do admit i'm guilty of givin the cold shoulder. not because i want to 'punish' him, but because i know i'm not ready to talk about it, and i'll start crying if i open my mouth and talk, and correct me if i'm wrong, guys HATE it when their girls cry. but he has to understand the reason for my silence, otherwise it'll be misconstrued.
Time doesnt fade feelings if you dont want it to. bear in mind that you may be in love with your new branded bag and keep it spotless for the first few months, but after time, you wont be bothered to anymore, but it doesnt mean you're ready to throw it away!
perhaps one good thing to do is to discuss and let your partner know your coping strategies when u encounter such quarrels. if time if what you need to cool down, let him know early on.
i take petty 'revenge' actually. when he upsets me, i take away and hide his pillows and bolsters when he's sleeping and roll the blanket around myself. he'll wake up cold. the next morning when he realises what i did, he thinks its hilarious. all bad feelings are easily forgotten when humour is involved.
this method may not work for all couples, try to find something that works for you.
Every couple will go through ups and downs. There are bound to be arguments; however, it is always healthier to have constructive and objective arguments. During courtship, whenever there was arguments, my hubby will always coax me.. and gets upset with my quietness as well (my character, I keep mum when am really upset).. Nowsdays he knows me well and we will usually try to resolve the issue after I cool down. However, once attended a marriage course, not all men are willing to discuss issues in the later part, as once they thought that the issue is over, it is really over for them, hence they are not keen to re-open the case for any discussions.
rubbishcow
New Member
I am not married yet but my fiance and i had a different way to handle anger.
I belong to the hot-headed kind while my fiance belongs to the cool-headed. We do raise our voice during quarrels and both of us will question each other our volume which will cause self-realization and lower it.
Since day 1 of our quarrel, my fiance will never ever coax me because he believe that it will further spoil my "spoilt kid" temper (even when i am heavily in tears, my fiance wont even donate a hug to cool my boiling eyes). Eventually i will get used to him not coaxing me. Partly, he was also afraid that if he coax me after each quarrel and 1 day he don't do it, my super sonic high memory brain will bring this issue out and will further hurt the relationship.
What we do is to even out our issue on that very day we quarrel. Usually we will quarrel at night so we will even out the issue before going to bed. Not bringing anger to bed is the best thing that can ever happen since the hatred wont be brought over to the next day, we can have a fresh new day!
I belong to the hot-headed kind while my fiance belongs to the cool-headed. We do raise our voice during quarrels and both of us will question each other our volume which will cause self-realization and lower it.
Since day 1 of our quarrel, my fiance will never ever coax me because he believe that it will further spoil my "spoilt kid" temper (even when i am heavily in tears, my fiance wont even donate a hug to cool my boiling eyes). Eventually i will get used to him not coaxing me. Partly, he was also afraid that if he coax me after each quarrel and 1 day he don't do it, my super sonic high memory brain will bring this issue out and will further hurt the relationship.
What we do is to even out our issue on that very day we quarrel. Usually we will quarrel at night so we will even out the issue before going to bed. Not bringing anger to bed is the best thing that can ever happen since the hatred wont be brought over to the next day, we can have a fresh new day!
cowcow~
Your fiance sounds like mine!
Many guys fall into the trap of giving in and giving in and giving in some more, and the girl will become more and more spoilt/demanding because she has taken for granted that he will give in every single time. When he snaps and decides not to give in anymore, all hell breaks loose and the finger-pointing begins.
"But last time you always give in to me, now you don't, means you don't love me anymore!!!!"
Your fiance sounds like mine!
Many guys fall into the trap of giving in and giving in and giving in some more, and the girl will become more and more spoilt/demanding because she has taken for granted that he will give in every single time. When he snaps and decides not to give in anymore, all hell breaks loose and the finger-pointing begins.
"But last time you always give in to me, now you don't, means you don't love me anymore!!!!"
miloice
Well-Known Member
Not just to bed, I try not to bring anger longer than its needed.
Personally, my wife is the keep quiet, say "NOTHING" but give super black face type. While, I'm very vocal and animated. I don't really care if its her or my fault. Pointless, cos both normally at fault of over-reaction and dwelling on that will make it worse.
The moment I cool down, I will simply use my vocal and animated ways to show her care & concern. We will only feedback on the issues when both have cooled down. I have no issues to initiate ice breaking mostly.
Personally, my wife is the keep quiet, say "NOTHING" but give super black face type. While, I'm very vocal and animated. I don't really care if its her or my fault. Pointless, cos both normally at fault of over-reaction and dwelling on that will make it worse.
The moment I cool down, I will simply use my vocal and animated ways to show her care & concern. We will only feedback on the issues when both have cooled down. I have no issues to initiate ice breaking mostly.
Italy, my htb is like yours. When he make me angry, he will tell me to forget it. But whether small or big thing, he should apologize if he did something wrong what.. that's basic manners, what more i'm his gf.
I feel that such guys are the spoilt ones. Do something wrong, refuse to apologize and EXPECT the girl to be forgiving. If not, they turn around and be angry at the girl. Imagine you are already a little unhappy, then he turn the table and blame you, lagi worse feeling right?
All he has to do was to apologize in the beginning, if i still angry then fine, i admit i am petty. But no apology, nothing, expect me to forgive, they will just take it for granted do whatever they like make us angry just leave us alone ultimately it will be ok.
I feel that such guys are the spoilt ones. Do something wrong, refuse to apologize and EXPECT the girl to be forgiving. If not, they turn around and be angry at the girl. Imagine you are already a little unhappy, then he turn the table and blame you, lagi worse feeling right?
All he has to do was to apologize in the beginning, if i still angry then fine, i admit i am petty. But no apology, nothing, expect me to forgive, they will just take it for granted do whatever they like make us angry just leave us alone ultimately it will be ok.