The Other Party

[skydreams24]

Hi all..am pretty new to this thread.. hence would like to have some advices from people out there...

I am the other woman of an affair.. who happens to be with my immediate boss.. things wasn't what I wanted it to turn out to as at the first place.. we were just mere colleagues..and a mentor to me.. but as days goes by.. feelings developed as we spent alot of time together due to work.. everyone in the office knew that Boss is getting married in June 2010.. and was a Mr Goody Man.. which people will not expect that he will actually side-tracked.. as we spent alot of time together..he slowly shared with me his personal problems..including relationship problems with his WTB.. taking things for granted.. throwing tratrums.. and not being there for him when he is in the lowest point of his life.. yet.. chided him.. not providing any emotional supports when he needed.. a few times in the relationship he wants to initiate the break-up.. but always tell himself to give it another try...unknowingly.. he had fallen for me.. months before his wedding.. and I had fallen for him too.. but.. the cruel fact is that.. he is getting married.. told myself.. I shouldn't get involve in it.. but.. really can't help to.. because.. I really fallen for him..deeply.. love is blind..

Happiness was short as.. our affair was found out by WTB.. WTB was devasted.. threaten to call off the wedding.. but he pursuaded her not to.. in the end.. WTB asked him to make a choice.. between me and her.. as what I expected.. he choose his WTB.. because he is a responsible guy.. But it's also because of my existance.. WTB then realised how much he meant to her and how she failed to play her role a girlfriend being together for 4 years..

My life was in a mess.. did alot of stupid things.. and even attempted suicide.. that period of time was the lowest.. as.. the worst thing is that.. I suffered a miscarriage.. and it was his flesh and blood.. I have no one to turn to.. when being admitted.. going through the operation clean the womb.. I went through everything alone.. couldn't tell anyone as.. it wasn't a glamourous thing to share with my friends and family members.. and I have to act as nothing happened and return to work the very day after the day surgery..He couldn't be there.. as being tracked by WTB tightly... WTB doesn't know that we had sex during our affair.. as he scared that WTB would be devasted..

I am not like any TOW that will just blow the matter up and confront the WTB throwing the facts that the her HTB slept with me and I had a miscarriage which is his flesh n blood..because I loves him.. I tried all ways to protect him.. suffering everything alone.. even to sacrifice myself and my poor child.. to salvage his marriage.. and I had never even use it to threaten him.. I bear everything myself.. even medical bills.. during June 2010.. they proceed with their wedding.. and was away for honeymoon in europe for 1 month.. the 1 month plus when he wasn't around.. I was living in daze.. tried all means to forget about him...

till when he is back.. tried all means to avoid him work but failed as we work in same unit.. thus will see each other everyday.. when he was away for honeymoon.. colleagues all knew that we were very close.. thus sometimes would ask if whether do I know when will he be back.. did he email me etc.. and I have to act to be happy saying that."not sure".. "I don't know".. which makes them ponder as usually when he wasn't around.. I will be the first one he will notify his whereabout and updates..

our affair didn't end.. it still continues.. till today..he still sms-es me lovey dovey msgs..just that I couldn't contact him when he is at home.. and he will delete all my smses and calls before he reaches home.. he will hugged me and comfort me when I am feeling down.. tries to cheer me up when I am mad about something.. and protect me against harm.. will feel jealous when guys were being too close to me.. or ask me out.. because of my miscarriage.. I was guilty.. I don't even dare to date anymore.. despite there is guys trying to date me.. because of my affair too.. I felt self concious that guys will mind me of my past..

I couldn't move on.. I am willing to do anything for him.. because I can feel that his love to me is genuine .. his wife also mentioned before that.. she felt he loves me more than her.. can a person really loves 2 person at a time..? what I can do.. I also know.. because of me.. he and his wife.. is having some problems too.. and his is under alot of stress... really felt very lost..

 

[thommy]

Stop lying to yourself, he is just treating you like a spare tyre. Cut off all ties with him asap if you still want a shred of your dignity back.

 

[yongqin]

he is already married now, and he is 2timing u & his WTB even before married,how serious do u think he is towards u now since u claim that he is genuine towards u? Do u seriously think that 1person can loves 2person at the same time? He chose his WTB over u and afraid his WTB broke up with him, so how much does that prove to u that he loves u genuinely? Furthermore after married now he still getting intimate with u, what does all that shows to u?

Do u think u both can really stay happily ever lasting even if in future he will to divorce his wife for u? The same thing can happen to u if he can do this to his wife now. It is so obvious - what goes around comes around.

If u really cannot take it since u both are wking together, change ur job & ur number etc. Although it cant help u to totally forget him ,but at least it helps to a certain extent in seeing him less, time heals it only depends whether u wana do it or not.

Nobody likes secret affair & sharing partner with someone else, moreover ur the 3rd party, there are alot more better guys than him out there. He is a downright jerk, u deserve someone better than him. He will lives to regret, and if u dont want ur future hubby to betray u, pls also dont do the same to his wife now.

I tel u, his kids will also be toyed by the other half since he is doing the same thing now. THe world is fair.

 

[triple]

TS, turn on yr PM.

 

[mrs_beast]

Agree with Thomas, stop lying to yourself. He don love you, don ever think that he wll leave his wife for you. He will not get married in the first place if he is true to you. Stop living in your illusion and go face the outside world, don be dragged behind bcos of your past. Guys who really love you will not mind yr past.

 

[skydreams24]

I don't know how to judge If I am a spare tyre or am
I not. I don't know what is he thinking too. If he really loves his wife, he shouldn't be even giving a hoot about my wellbeing and everything, and letting my mood and emotions affecting him. There's a period of time I just totally ignored him, and his work was affected, and he broke down when he speaks to me.sigh.

 

[infojunkie]

"I can feel that his love to me is genuine .. his wife also mentioned before that.. she felt he loves me more than her.. can a person really loves 2 person at a time..?"

let's face it, he loves himself the most...

100% genuine love

and this man will not do a single thing to hurt himself...

he's hungry and u're delicious FREE lunch.

 

[ajumma]

dear TS,

it's time to quit ur job. perhaps it is possible for someone to love two pple at the same time, but do u want to always be TOW?

i know that u r different from other TOWs, u suffered so much alone... u really deserve someone better who can build a family with u and who is really urs... he will be in ur bed every night, he will be the one u wake up to in the morning and he will be there with u thru life's ups and downs...

this boss of urs doesn't wish to give u all those things... he made himself clear with his choice to marry... he may be lovey-dovey towards u, but that just shows him up as a player and a smooth talker.

maybe u r right, he genuinely loves u. all players love women. and they don't just love one woman, they can love many women at the same time. but that is just a shallow kind of love. it is not the deeper love that can only grow and develop when two people commit to marry, build a family together and grow old together.

i think u deserve that kind of deep love, because u r a giving and loving person. maybe u can think about what are the qualities that u like about ur boss, and then go out there, and look for a single guy who has those qualities.

a guy who loves u will not bother abt ur past, only ur present and the future will matter to him. the "baggage" that u have from the affair is only in ur mind... u can let it go if u want to.

 

[daemonkoh]

Agree with ajumma.

 

[trique]

The fact is that he married someone else and that turned what you had into an extramarital affair. The man has hurt you enough, its time you take care of yourself. If he loves you, he will be there for you and will not go and marry another woman. Look at the actions, not the words! As hard as it is, when its time to let go, we have to let go... I know its easier said than done so please be strong.

Do seriously consider changing a job and move on. It is hard to cut off all ties completely when you work together. You will tell yourself one thing the night before but the next day when you go into office and see him, all thoughts just fly out the window. Channel your energy to making changes in your life, look for a different job, start anew and meet someone when you are ready.

 

[matka]

Dear Sky

I sympathise your situation, but you need to make a decision and you need to be clear about where you stand and what kind of person you want to be.

"Mr Goody Man" likely chose to be with his wife because he wanted to upkeep his "goody man" image. Really, I do not think it is about "responsibility". It was more about him. It was easier choosing his wife and maintaining his reputation than to leave her and be with you - the other woman. Imagine his credibility in your office and with his family and hers if anyone found out about your affair?

If you ever told on him, guess who'll be the first person he'll blame and dump?

 

[powder]

well he had a chance to choose u, but he didn't. and this choice is abt ONE... u were not, are not the ONE he chose.

if i were in the situation of getting caught, i would choose The One i love, not the one i'm committed to. since the beans have been spilled anyway...

he didn't. i hope u know that.

 

[susanna_low]

I hope that u will stop wasting your time waiting for him. To linger in a r/s like that is very painful and it's like playing mind games every moment.

It will be better for you to leave the co and cut off all ties from him completely.
Time will heal everything. If u continue to hinder false hope and go deeper, both u and his wife will suffer.

If u really love him, let him go and wish him happiness. This is the greatest gift that u can ever give him.

 

[serene_yam]

Well, it's just a case of TS bearing the hope/dream that she's the one that Mr Goody-Two-Shoes loves. Wake up from your dream TS. Is love meant to be so torturing and tormenting? I think not, unless I'm so much into the literacy poetry and literature stuffs.

 

[miamivice]

A fool is born everyday.

 

[denise80]

If it's all true love, sky, u wouldn't be here writing in a forum. Period.

 

[make_it_happen]

Wake up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stop deceiving yourself!!!!!!!!

 

[the_giving_tree]

Leave your job. Change your handphone number / address. If opportunity arises, take up an oversea posting or go visit a friend overseas for a couple of months. Channel your energies elsewhere: take up a new hobby, volunteer your time with the under privileged, meet up with your girlfriends more often etc.

is it easy? Of course not. But do you foresee a future with this man? Do you want to go on ruminating about how much he still cares for you while you continue to be wracked with guilt (the the possibility of being pregnant again!) and he continues to enjoy both women?

 

[texasholdem]

wow this scenario looks familiar. "COntinue to enjoy both women". seriously i know of someone who make a ridiculous of having 2-wife proposal. this guy can even tell his origianal wife to be the 2nd wife.

 

[skydreams24]

Hi all.. Thanks for the advices.. I am afraid that I can't leave my job as I really loving this job.. Which really keep me going and alive.. I kinda agree with what mekka says..

"Mr Goody Man" likely chose to be with his wife because he wanted to upkeep his "goody man" image. Really, I do not think it is about "responsibility". It was more about him. It was easier choosing his wife and maintaining his reputation than to leave her and be with you - the other woman."

 

[tweetwee]

Sky, please remember that talk is cheap and so are certain actions. You may think you meant alot to him or are even willing to play second fiddle to his wife, but are you truly happy been his second? Don't you think you are short changing yourself? Can you please give yourself a second chance and WALK AWAY from this mess? Hope you wake up from your nightmare soon...

 

[the_giving_tree]

You may think he married his wife out of obligation. But, so what? It's not going to change the fact that he's already married.Or are you hopping that he will divorce his wife one day, perhaps after they have produced a few children, which will only get messier?

Are you going to ruminate over this again and again and get stuck in this rut for the next few years of your life?

Or you don't mind being TOW and :

1. be constantly wrecked with guilt and shame
2. have to be extra vigilant when meeting him for fear of being seen by his wife, friends and family members?
3. forgo opportunities to meet up with other more eligible, single guys who are worthy of your love and affection?

We are born with a free will. It's now up to you how you want to live your life and in doing so, think also about the repercussions of you actions, what impact it has on other people.

 

[ajumma]

Sky,

i see u are trying to fool urself again. u r thinking that he married his wife to upkeep his image, and he has less feelings for her than he has for u, right?

well, this may be news to u: actually, men love their wives more. especially a forgiving wife like ur boss's.

they rarely love their mistresses more, unless their wives behave like shrews and make life difficult for them at home, which i don't think is the case for ur boss.

if u love ur job and don't want to jeopardize it, all the more u should stay away from him. most likely ur colleagues are already gossiping about how close both of u r.

don't be naive and treat urself better. otherwise, one day someone's going to rat on u to a director, and the one who's going to suffer the brunt of it will be u.

 

[lovingyou]

Sky: He two-timed you and his wife and this triangle r/s had evolves into what is termed as affair now. Haven't you wake up from the miscarriage incident especially? "and protect me against harm" What kinda of protection is he offering when he carries on with his wedding while you were undergoing your day surgery? What kinda of protection is he offering when he can tell his wife he loves her after hugging / kissing you?

He wants the best of both worlds, this has nothing to do with him being responsible and thus why continue to live in his world of lies. it is more on 鬼è¯è¿žç¯‡, lies after lies.

To some, it is rather important to feel comfortable in the particular job and if you realli think this job offers you good prospects and what you are indeed looking for, shouldn't you stop the r/s before it jeopardise your efforts? It is realli up to one to make a wise choice. Btw, does he determines your promotion?

 

[the_giving_tree]

I'm surprised the company did not transfer you or your boss out to another dept. This kind of relationship is detrimental to the workplace. Not only does it affect work performance, staff appraisal will also be very biased and affect employees' morale.

 

[lovingyou]

Faith: Agree....
Sky: choice is yours, ask for a transfer if you insist on keeping the job but leaving this man.

 

[ajumma]

sad to say, some men are just so è´± that u cant believe it. u may think that he is different, he is not like the others, he really loves u, he really cares, but just read this forum and u will see the folly of those girls who believed in sweet words with no commitment, and who paid a price for it at the expense of their physical and emotional health.

even in love, we girls must be savvy and smart. if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, swims like a duck, it is a duck.

 

[lovingyou]

Love is not blind, it is more on human folly?

 

[infojunkie]

women r not angels...

some r è´± too.

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi,

An Emperor with his harem of Beauties.
An Emperor's hesitation in the face of Beauties before him.
"Who shall I have tonight? The Empress or the Concubine?"

 

[duckyholic]

hi sky,

u remind me of what happen to one of my close gf.
she and current hb met in a nightspot and the 'feeling' was so overwhelming that she lefther steady bf of 5 years within weeks who treat her like a princess and also is someone v rich. she just go for'love'

the new man also had a fiance whom is about to get married , bot a EC, wedding package etc done ...

she lie low and wait for him to choose...

after a few months, the man choose her and choose to break up with his fiance.. they had to get ROM almost immediately cos the EC TOP is coming..

it was kindda difficult choice for the hb as he had to choose to hurt his fiance so much since she done nothing wrong...but he felt that my gf is the one whom he truly love.....

they got married in 2004 and still v happily inlove till now, envy of the most of us..

the fiance was devastated but she deserve to be with someone whom truly love her rite ? she moved to hk to escape sg and now after 6 yrs, she has gotten over n married to a man who treat her v v nice.....

so the point is if the man really love you, he will not marry the fiance as hows life for the next 30-40 yrs like if u with someone that u do not love....

this boss of your is just not honest...he just want the best of both world/...
he wun feel guilty or sortta since he feel that he didnt lie to you and u are a willing party,i didnt force u ......

please wake up and do something to love yourself.
if you know that this man will continue to hurt u, then why stay for just a moment of "happinness"

i m sure u can find another better job elsewhere but if you do not take care of yourself, who will??

after u leave your boss, do u tink he will stop?
he will just find a new target while have the security n stability of a 'wife' at home...

you may think e wife 'win' now since she had him..
trust me ,ultimately it is the WIFE that will suffer ultimately and emerge the worse loser in the end,,,,........

u r lucky that he didnt marry u otherwise i cant imagine how u can b happi with a man like that

 

[serene_yam]

In a way I second what Duckyholic said about if a guy loves you, he'll not marry the fiance and will choose you, despite he most prob will hurt the fiance deep deep.

As for the 'win' part, don't you think that TS is quite adamant that she didn't 'win' the boss' hands earlier on? To her, she'll never rest, till the day the boss' wife let her 'win' and becomes D.

Actually, who's the winner? No one. Because if the boss' wife divorces, she'll get part of his property. To the boss, he'll definitely sees it as a loss (Hence he's more keen to play the field). TS may get the boss, and thinks she wins but the fact is: The boss has never even wanted to choose TS in the first place, most likely his heart has never been true to TS at all. In fact any other lady who's easy and available will be seen as potentials to him. And if you think the wife is the winner....it depends on what you accord winning as....

On a lighter note, I think the wife may be happier, because she has extra money on hands now...heeeheee!

 

[amulet]

It doesn't matters who he loves more or if his love to you is genuine..

The problem is, where is this heading to? Is he going to marry you in the end? No, if not he would not have went ahead with the wedding. If he is not going to have a future with you, are you really willing to be the woman being hidden in the dark for the rest of your life?

What do you want for yourself?

 

[jana1]

Dear Sky,
I've read thrugh your post and find it hard to believe how you let yourself being treated that way. Don't you have any self-respect. I mean, excuse my language, this guy is a total a-hole. If I understand it right you had an abortion and even paid for it yourself. Didn't that wake you up? Plus after all that he still treats you like nothing happens, writes SMS and all? Just move on! Try to change your job, make your story public. Never look back. Move on!

 

[albertri]

I think Sky you know already the answer to your question it's just that you want to hear it from others.

Stay away from him, you're at the losing end here its obvious the guy just using you as his mistress or even worst his FB...

It will hurt like hell leaving him but it will hurt even more in the end.. Just imagine where this relationship will go? nowhere right? you wont have him worst case you'll be labaled at mistress or home Wrecker. If you have some dignity left in your and self respect move on my dear dont waste your life with him I'm sure there's a lot of other guys out there!

 

[miloice]

not the 1st and will not be the last to go thr this. Its your life. You live it only once. Waste all the time you have and want. Do you see any future in this affair? His wife is likely to remain suspicious for a long long time. And he will have hell from her. He will need somewhere someone else to see refuge in. You are a willing party to continue taking him in and filling yourself with more lies on who he loves.

He love himself more than anyone. Powder pointed out the fundamental point. He has the choice... and you are NOT his choice. Period.

 

[albertri]

Sky bro milo is correct and everyoe else who said you're wasting your life for nothing...

Go out and explore your world you'll be surprise to know it doesnt revolve around him

 

[magaz]

Dear Sky

are you still reading the posts?

you are unwilling to let go because you feel that the guy still loves you, if not, he will not care a hoot about yr feelings and wellbeing and will not be affected in terms of his work as well, and would not break down, right? That's why you feel that he loves you, and perhaps one day, he will change his mind. Perhaps you feel that he lacks the courage to love you, or that he is still undecided, that he loves you deep down inside but that he is forced by circumstances to choose his wife.

*sigh*
The thing is, he did have a choice. Before he got married, he did have a choice to choose between u and his current wife. You were not, technically speaking, TOW.

Ask yourself, why can't he commit to you? Why doesn't he give you a honest answer as to whether there is any hope for you two? What does he intend to do? Have you and also not leave his wife? Are you willing to do that and be his mistress, perhaps live forever in the dark from now on and perhaps even have kids with him?

His love for you may be real, but maybe he does not love enough? Why else can't he leave his wife?

Have you talked to any mature guy about this? Why am i suggesting this? A male would be able to give u insights into what he is thinking about, perhaps even shed some light. And your questions will be answered..

it seems that you want to move on, but are unable to do so because you see him everyday. You are very strong, after gone through all those that u went through and still able to see him everyday and still love him so much. But u are probably in very deep pain as well.....

*pats* please think more for yourself and less for him. And PLEASE go talk to a guy so that you know how a guy thinks.

If he loves you enough, he will really do things for you. ie. leave his wife. How long do you want to be in such deep pain and agony?

 

[worrywart]

People with weak minds hurt not only themselves, but other people like the wives as well.

Worst of all are the men.

 

[powder]

yes yes, definitely the men!

u sound like the wife of one of such 'men'.

those who are so easily hurt also quite weak lah...

those who choose lousy men also quite weak...

those who dun learn, and think it's someone else's fault, are the weakest.

 

[worrywart]

powder

u sound like one of such weak 'men'.

 

[powder]

hehe, yes yes i am if we use your definition.

 

[alienwoman]

Hi Sky,

u still reading? i was in anor thread on my own problem but your situation...
First wrong step was to start wif him le....
period, u have to leave this person. Even if he was lost and made a mistake to marry his fiance, anyone who still has consience would be very very guilt stricken and finally torn

from wat i read, this man really don't deserve anyone of you both.
leave him, go take a holiday.
if my problem dun work out, I might plan one short trip too.
seriously, i tot my case was bad.
creepy men

 

[griever27]

eat, sleep, love...

give yourself time to find yourself back...

 

[skydreams24]

Hi All.. I am sorry for not updating recently as been held up with many things at home and at work.. had read through all the posts and really thankful and appreciates the advise given.. maybe at this point of time.. I just wanna focus on my job as coming to year-end..many deadlines to meet.. in a way..trying to make myself busy.. so that I won't be feeling depress..everything I leave it to fate.. just take a step n see what's next..

 

[skydreams24]

P.S: It wasn't a abortion.. it was a miscarriage.

 

[infojunkie]

dun leave it to fate, u DECIDE ur fate.

 

[infojunkie]

and if u're still sleeping wif him, u should stop rite away... u dun wanna make the same mistake twice.

 

[magaz]

sky
I really hope you would love yourself more... stop thinking so much for him..

numbing yourself is good for now I guess, but loneliness and emptiness will set in again once the work ends and when the festive season/mood sets in...

 

[veronmei]

Sky, do think twice & sort things up fast... Dun drag dun leave it to fate. think of this, if he really choose u. Will u think secure. If a man cheats with U, he will cheat on U. Not every man will be like tat, but would u take risk on yr life?