Tea Ceremony Queries

[rosewhite]

Hi brides,

May i ask for some advices on tea ceremony? I am pretty confused on who are the ppl that are going to be present for it. During the tea ceremony, may i know besides my hubby, who will be following him to come to my hse to fetch me? And when we go to his hse to serve tea, who will be following me to go there & then back to my hse again? thx

 

[cactus_79]

hi rosewhite,
your hubby would normally be accompanied by his guy friends/relatives who are about his age. They will help your hubby get through the gate crashing at your parents' home.
Your gal friends/relatives who are about your age who create obstacles preventing your hubby to fetch you would return with you to your hubby's parents' house for tea ceremony.
After that, your hubby and you return to your parents' house again. it is not necessary for the guy and gal friends/relatives to follow you back, although I hear sometimes the gal friends/relatives do follow back to the bride's parents' home.

 

[rosewhite]

Hi cactus 79,
thank you for replying. I might not have the gate crashing, therefore considering not to have jie meis & xiong di..just simple tea ceremony with our own family members at both hse. In this case, does it mean hubby will come alone? Does his siblings have to come with him? And for my case? Just leave with hubby or my siblings have to follow me there? thx

 

[cactus_79]

hi rosewhite, personally, I feel that if you don't intend to follow through the with whole traditional works, then there is no right or no wrong for any modified customary wedding rites. If I don't have gate crashing and all that, it prob means tradition is not all that important to me, except for the tea ceremony. and since only the husband and wife are needed for tea ceremony, there is no need for siblings to accompany. siblings/close friends play the role as jeiw meis and xiong dis.

 

[sensech]

Hi rosewhite, I dont hv gate crashing too. My husband did not bring along any brothers when he came over. Only the driver (who is my brother) and photographer came up with him when he arrived. It's ok not to hv jie meis too but do hv someone to help with your WG's train when you go over to your in-law's place. You may also need someone to help carry your dowry (gold, jewellery etc).

 

[rosewhite]

Hi cactus 79, thk u so much, u have been very helpful in advicing me.

Hi sensech,thk u too.. u didnt have the gate crashing too? hee, me also will be having just the tea ceremony.. hubby, me & both side parents also prefer it that way.

btw, what is needed on the day besides serving the tea? nowadays still need someone to comb hair for us & parents cover veil? younger siblings need to serve tea to us?

 

[cactus_79]

I think it depends on how traditional you want your wedding to be.

Usually a good fortunate lady with many kids and grandkids will comb hair for you and say auspicious words. Sometimes, this lady could be your mother or a happily married auntie. Usually a senior and not a sister/cousin. The father would cover the veil and no one should lift it except your husband.
If younger cousins/siblings/nephews/nieces are present during the tea ceremony, it is open to them to serve you tea. Then you will need to give them APs.

 

[rosewhite]

Hi cactus, thx for the infos.

 

[sotonggal]

Hi cactus

I heard from my uncle that my hubby cannot lift up my veil at my house. Only when i step into our own room then my hubby can lift up my veil.

How true is this?

 

[missbluey]

hi sotonggal,

for me, i didn't do that...i had my veil lifted up by hubby when he stepped into my room.

 

[cactus_79]

hi sotonggal, I don't know about the lifting of veil or the significance but I think most brides have the veil lifted up at their parents' house. Hmmm.... if not, how to leave your parents' home? With the veil on and covered when you leave the home, get into the bridal car, and go to own home? Hmm...

 

[pinpong]

Hi Sotonggal

For my case, HB lifted my veil at my parents' plc... followed by a light muack muackz...
heheee...

 

[ojaneo]

hi i also got question to ask here...

- during tea ceremony or AD morning session. we need to give angpao to kids and those cousin who is still single. then is only give by bride alone or both of couple (groom & bride) need to give. if bride give only then these angpao normally how do bride bring since she nvr carry handbag.
- then we need to give the lady who help in serve tea, rite? also only 1 angpao from couple rite? then should from groom pocket or from bride give? or our parent give ?

thank in advance

 

[cactus_79]

hi jane,

I'm not sure what the norm is, but my husband and I will only be giving APs to younger relatives and unmarried relatives if they give us tea during the tea ceremony. Each of us will be giving one AP. I will be having a bridesmaid to help me hold my bag which will contain the APs and makeup stuff. Of course, if these relatives also help us with wedding stuff in the morning, my parents and PILs will have to give them APs and my husband and I will also have to give (although it will just be 1 AP from my husband and I - but AP will write both our names - husband will be one giving).

I'm not sure about the lady helping to serve tea though. I believe it should either be the groom alone, or parents alone, or both groom and parents. Not the bride.

 

[ojaneo]

thankz cactus_79

as i noe i also need to give younger relatives. so u mean each of us need to give huh. mean my hubby have to pre, me as well? wah must pre a lot of angpao liao.
so those angpao we given away de must write couple name huh

 

[cactus_79]

Hi Jane,

I don't think it's necessary to give ALL younger relatives.

For what I know, it is a must to give relatives who serve you tea. In this case, you and your hubby will each give one AP cos you will each receive 1 cup tea. This is during tea ceremony.

But if you are asking your relatives (whether it is older or younger, married or unmarried doesn't matter) to help out in things, then will need to give AP also but it is ok for you and your hubby to share one AP (but write 2 people's name). Your parents and in-laws will also have to give a small AP to your helpers too.

 

[blur_queenie]

Hi,

I need to check. My family custom require me to serve tea by both of us before i leave the house but my IL are not too happy about it as the usual custom is to serve tea to groom side first before bride side. Now both parties do not want to give way and even if my IL agree to it, HB had warn that i will be treated differently if so. Sigh, anyone has such before? How to compromise? Feeling vey down as there had been too many arguements on both side customs.

 

[pinpong]

Hi Jojo

u mentioned "...serve tea by both of u before i leave the house.." may i ask serve tea to who b4 u leave d house & proceed to d groom's side?

For my case, when HB came to my parents' plc, we served tea to my parents first(first round of tea ceremony) b4 leaving for d groom's/or in-laws plc for another round of tea ceremony. This is a show of respect to my parents whom have bring me up.

After the second round of tea ceremony at d groom's plc, we proceed to our lovenest. After dat we returned to my parents' plc for d thrid round of tea ceremony. This time we served tea to d relatives & my younger sibling in turn served tea to HB & me.

It still depends on d parents & in-laws on how they want it to b done.

 

[blur_queenie]

Hi Ice,

Thanks for clarification. My parents wants us to serve them tea. As my HB is from the Hokkien custom, they do not do it this way and Bride has to serve them first before the bride side. So to them, serving tea to my parents first is not acceptable, more like guy marrying into the ger side.
Do your parents give angpao on the 1st round? I understand from others that the 1st round do not give ang pao as it's just an acknowledgement that the groom is bringing the bride out. There are 2nd round of tea for the bride parents as well for some and this time is to acknowledge them as parents. Is that rite?
I need to have this understanding as IL side do not agree if the groom is to serve tea to my side first (with blessing and angpao)and my side insist having tea serve. If it's just an acknowlegement without blessing, my IL will be more to oblige.

 

[pinpong]

oh oh, Dear JoJo
Hope i m not making things more complicated by sharing with u. hehee...

Ever heard dat upon returning from d groom's plc, d couple serve tea to d bride's parents for d second round. My parents do away with dat.

So for d first round of tea serving to my parents (bride's parents) they gave us angpao & jewelleries.

hmmm... since u mentioned that ur ILs is more willing to give-in if during d first round of tea serving to ur parents without them giving u ang paos, y dun u discuss with ur parents & ur HB. Most imp get ur HB to agree with u & let ur HB do d talking to ur IL.

my HB, FIL is Hokkien.

 

[lushvelvet]

Jojo..
The reason is simply; the guy side ought to be the one to be shown priority in respect, that's supposedly practised commonly, that's why your ILs wants them to be served tea first, since you are supposedly "marrying INTO" their family. I think it matters not what is the dialect group. There would be only one round of tea offering, with the returning blessing in the form of either jewellery or ang pows. The sequence of offering would also be in hierarchical order. Like Parents-Grandparents-father's elder bro (male first then female..)- then mom's .. etc.

However, as Ice put it aptly, it's ultimately dependent on the persons involved. We in Singapore, have the luxury of returning to the bride's home on the same day, and to be fetched from the bride's home without much traffic condition to consider. If in other cities like Jakarta, KL, imagine the timeframe and logistics to consider.. how is it possible to still consider having tea ceremony performed first at the groom's, then returning to the bride's, and complicating the whole idea by adding in the factor of the "auspicious hour"...

 

[cactus_79]

I did it the way Ice did. I am hokkien. It is a family tradition for my family too. My mom served her parents first before serving her in-laws. But she's not hokkien. She's hakka. My dad's hokkien.

 

[blur_queenie]

Hi All,

Thanks for the pointers.My IL are more traditional therefore they do mind on the tea ceremony sequence. My parents had insisted on the tea on our side as it was practiced during my mum and aunt wedding in the past. Even if my IL are giving in to my side, do not think they will be very happy in future. The grudge will be there always. That's why i need to find out first before i propose to my parents, infact, they dun even know the meaning to it. Just becos they do it in the past, they just want to follow it. So it's up to me to find evidence and convince both side. Sigh

 

[cactus_79]

Hi Jojo, Just a suggestion to be tactful when speaking to your parents. cos if you suggest that tradition points to first giving tea to guy's parents, then gal'sp arents, it may mean that you are indirectly saying that your mom and aunt did it wrong last time.. and that could be an insult to your grandparents.

Maybe you could suggest that you and husband give tea standing up before you both leave your parents' home, then go to your ILs' home to kneel and give tea, then return to your parents' home to kneel and give tea again to your parents. We didn't do it this way but you may want to do it this way.You can convince your ILs that the 1st time you give tea is to say bye bye. That's all.

If not, you can just keep quiet about the sequence. On the wedding day, just have your parents insist that you and your husband give them tea before leaving the house. I'nm sure your husband won't mind if his parents did not openly reject this sequence.But if your ILs already rejected this sequence, then it's not something you can do.

 

[cactus_79]

Just to add, I was made to do things I didn't agree with during tea ceremony at my ILs house.. but I did it anyway.. cos I didn't bring it up before the tea ceremony. so no one knew.

In the same way, if you don't discuss the sequence of tea ceremony before the actual day, then people will just do as instructed.

 

[blur_queenie]

Cactus,
IL are aware of the sequence. Even in the event that this wasn't mention before the tea ceremony, my FH will not abide to it as he too believe that guys side should be of priority. I have read some where that this run in cantonese family and i happen to be a pure breed.

I will suggest your point. Whether my parents agree on it is another issue. Both side are pretty head strong on their own custom and i have been firefighting all these while.

 

[cactus_79]

Good luck, Jojo.

 

[pinpong]

Hi JoJo

Think what cactus79 suggested abt not kneel for during d tea serving to ur parents b4 leaving d hse is veasible.

Hi Cactus
Care to share what u had to do during d tea ceremony at ur ILs' hse?

 

[blur_queenie]

Hi Ice,

Yes, i will propose what cactus suggest. It was a horrified experience. When i request for the reason from my mum on this sequence, i got screamed at and was threatened that if we do not follow she will not turn up. It was absurb for us to accept her reason when she dun even want to explain the meaning to me.

Thanks for the pointers.

 

[cactus_79]

Hi Ice,

my ILs insisted that my hb and I kneel to every relative during tea ceremony even though the photographer said only need to kneel to parents. but cos my hb knelt, I also did without protesting.

Also, my hb's uncle is dead already, but we were made to offer the aunt 2 cups of tea.. one for her, one for her dead husband.. this practice is against my religion of giving offerings/food to the dead... but I did it without protesting cos I just told my husband I understand that his aunt is thirsty....

that's all.

By the way, we didn't kneel to my parents when we left their home. and we didn't give tea the second time round to them when we returned...

 

[cactus_79]

Hi Jojo,

I think your mom prob doesn't know why too.. that's why she doesn't explain. She won't be unreasonable to her own daughter. She probabyl doesn't want people to say that her daughter is being defient to her too. It's sometimes about face.

 

[blur_queenie]

I believe so, if not she will explain to me without having to scream her way through. The fact is there isn't anyone present, just me and her. I have never came across that it's the daughter that explain these customs and meaning to parents. Aren't they suppose to be more knowledgable in these stuff since they have gone through?

 

[cactus_79]

actually not true, Jojo. From my experience, I realised my mom didn't know much also. Luckily my grandma is still alive and is knowledgable. I also have aunties who have nieces who recently got married so we can learn fromtheir experiences. There is also the internet for us to get info from.

For my mom and I think for most ladies of my mom's age (in her 50s), the traditional aspects of their wedding was arranged by their parents. My mom got married just after she graduated... she was only 25. At 25, what did she know? in a society where there is no internet... just a tightly knit family... my mom left everythign to her parents and grandparents...

 

[pinpong]

Hi Cactus79

kneel down to serve tea for all relatives? if i were made to do so, think i will feel giddy by d time d session is over & when i get up on my feet.
oh...one of my gal frenz actually even told me if anyone insist dat u kneel down, just say dun want to mess up d gown & will feel giddy after kneeling. hehee...

Like d way u said "..his aunt is thirsty" hehee...

think u r protecting/caring for ur HB dat y u didnt protest. to me u r doing it for loving ur HB, moreover it is a happy occassion.

Hi Jojo
My mama also not very such & lucky my parents not so "on".
For certain issue like when i asked my mama do i need to get d lambs to b placed beside our bed, my mama initially said dun need lalaa... later when i kept asking her y dun need, she give-in. She said anything lalaa.. as long as HB & me happy & we dun find it troublesome den she is ok with it.

Btw when is ur GDL & AD?

 

[cactus_79]

Hi ice,

you're right. I didn't protest cos I love my hb and I know my hb will protect me in certain situations. I didn't want to make excuses not to kneel because I didn't want people to say I refuse to obey my hb's family tradition just because I want to look pretty. if he thinks we can kneel, we will kneel although I think it's not proper. In any case, we did not show photos of us kneeling during our screening of the wedding highlights during the dinner. Also during the wedding dinner, my mother in law asked us to give tea to her auntie... a senior. We didn't kneel. So in a way, I disagree with my mother in law - we kneel to our aunts, but dun kneel to grandaunt just cos grandaunt is given tea in a public area.. can't be right correct? But I also understand that my mother in law is face loving, so I just try to give in to her as much as I can. She was prob under pressure during our tea ceremony at home to have us kneel....

 

[rosewhite]

Hi girls,

does the tea ceremomy need to be serve on the same day for both sides? can it be served to the groom's side on a couple of days before the AD then the bride's side on AD? Any taboo?

thx

 

[pinpong]

hmm.. rosewhite

me not such.
just to share. My cousin's wife is Malaysian.
So they serve tea to my cousin's parents & relative on a day, had they wedding dinner in SIN. After a few days later, proceed to my cousin's wife hometown in Malaysia, think it was Kling. Over there, they had their another round of tea ceremony & had their wedding dinner as well.

 

[yongyong]

Hi,
Just a funny question regarding Tea Ceremony...hmm...how many cups do we need to prepare? or is it tt someone would just keep running to the kitchen and wash the cups? But what if we having the Tea ceremony at Hotel banquet venue, then how to keep washing?
thanks!

 

[monkie]

hi stir
just get a pail to rinse the cups, dun expect to wash the cups throughly because no time.
just wipe off the lip stick stain with tissue.

you just prepare 2 cups. after they drink already, quickly wash and refil them before the next couple come.

i am having my tea ceremony in hotel, the staffs help to take care.

 

[cactus_79]

Stir,

Just keep a basin of warm water on stand by. When cups are used, rinse in the basin of warm water, then dry using clean towal, then reuse.

 

[pinpong]

Hi Stir

Had a basin of water to rinse the cups as well.

 

[yongyong]

Hey ladies, Thanks for answering my question. =P

 

[rosewhite]

Hi Ice, thx.

By the way, just wandering..when serve tea to my Inlaws side, usually ny hubby will be the one serving tea first then elders drink already then it will be my turn & I will just follow how he address them right?

But what about when serving tea to my side? Do I serve tea to the elders first then my hubby follow or also my hubby serve tea to my parents & relatives first then followed by me?

 

[cactus_79]

HI rosewhite,

what I did was for my husband to always serve tea first. Then I serve.

But in my ILs' place, we did the short cut method. Both of us hold just one teacup and give to one person.

At my parents' place, we did it the traditional way. Hb give, I give. Then hb give to that person's spouse, then I give to that person's spouse.

 

[hapimint]

Ask you ladies... my FMIL says that since I am a christain and do not need to pray or offer joss sticks, She told me that it is not necessary to go to her house after my boy has fetched me.

She says that I should instead go to my new home....

As for tea ceremony, she says that I can do it along with my own family with her side at the hotel before the start of the banquet....

If this is the case, we got nothing to do on that day? Is it correct?

 

[pinpong]

Hi Rosewhite

For my case, at both IL's side & my parents' side, HB served d tea first, d recipient drank, den i served d tea.
yeah.. was worry abt d addressing of our elderly, during d tea ceremony @ my parents' side. Lucky for us, one of my ah 姨 who is helping out(she was holding d tea set getting ready for us to serve tea), said something like "... tea for 三姨，tea for 七姨丈..etc" (in dialect lah). So HB got d cue from her, & follows what my auntie had called out. hehe..

Hi Cactus
Yep..heard of d "short-cut" way too. During d tea ceremony of HB's bro, they did dat..

Hi Mindy
hmmm... me dun know too, but personally think suppose to go over to d groom's side. dat is d purpose of d groom fetching d bride - å«å¨¶, 出å«
but as long as ur HB, IL, ur parents & u r comfort with it, think it shuld be ok bah..

 

[rosewhite]

Hi cactus & ice,thx

After ROM, my hubby has been addressing my parents as "pa & ma". If on the tea ceremony day, if he switches to address them as "daddy & mummy" (following the way I have been calling them) would that seems wierd/funny or would that be okay?

 

[cactus_79]

hi rosewhite, I feel it doesn't matter whether your hb calls your parents pa & ma or daddy and mommy. It's whether he feels comfy.

I call my parents daddy and mommy. My hb said it's odd for him to call that.. so he calls them mom and dad. For my ILs, I call them ma or mama and pa or papa depending on situation. My hb calls them ma and pa. After ROM we called them that. We continued with our own way of calling after customary. didn't change.

 

[pinpong]

Hi Rosewhite
hmm.. think as long as ur HB & u r comfortable with it, it is ok. nothing weird or funny ...

 

[msclaire]

ladies....what were you wearing during tea ceremony? I suppose when my fh pick me up in the morning I should be wearing my white gown? Do I change to kua/teadress/cheongsam for the tea ceremony to travel to his house to offer tea to his parents?

Also, we have decided on this sequence, but it seems a little mafan...is there something wrong with the way we are doing it?

fh pick me up --> return to his house to offer tea to his parents only --> return to my house to offer tea to my parents only --> return to his house to offer tea to both his and my side relatives. Leiche hor?