Support group - Divorce

[strawberry78]

Lizzy,

I think heaven is playing a joke on us - when I saw your posting. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Cos for a while, BB dad tried the same lines on me - weird man. So eventually when he tried to confuse and upset me - I laughed at him. He is so childish and irrational, I refuse to waste anymore time getting upset over him. In short, I have outgrown his tricks.

Probably you can choose to walk away, or continue feeding his ego by being there for him to play puppet master. Or you can choose to tolerate everything for your BB sake.

Btw - for me, I have a 16 months old BB, he's very handsome and smart - except abit cranky and bad tempered we signed our DOS in June 2004, so still have long way to go before divorce....sign. Wished we had backdated so I would not have to wait so long...

well, hang in there - as long as you want to but should you decide, one day, you have enough, feel free to walk away from someone who did not consider your feelings first.

take care and feel free to post your feelings - we are all here to share and grow.

 

[hopeful]

Hi Lazzy,
I can understand what u r feeling rite now. I also tried to beg my Hb when he wanted divorce. I was afraid of leaving him and so wanted my gal to have a complete family. We tried. Went for marriage counselling. After that, I asked him whether he is happy or not. Obviously I am not happy, so is he. He said that since we are not happy together, better that we part.

I agree with evie that life is about choices. When someone tells u that he does not love u anymore, it is also his choice. Now u are faced with the choice to decide how u want to lead your life. If the man no longer loves u, it is pointless to keep him by your side. Pointless to even think about him. It is tough, trust me! But when the whole affair does not kill you, you will gain inner strength to move on with life. Strength that you have never imagined u have.

Like wat wildcat said.. If some things are meant to be gone, better to let it go then to hold on to it..because it will not do you any good too. When u learn to let go, inner peace will prevail.Be brave!We have gone through that...and I am still going through it! Not worth going mad for such a man. Not worth sacrificing your future and life for him.......

 

[lizzyjay]

I agree with all of you. The thing is one side of me tells me to keep trying, perservere, treat him well so that he will realize who has always been there for him. If he won return, let him remember and live with regrets. I have told him that he is the one at a greater loss, not me.


I do also feel that, ya, why do I need to stick to him? Though my mom still treats him very well, she also tells me, one day I will have someone better to proof to him that he ain't that great.

Others say, why do you need to let him string you along? If he wants u back, can u ever trust him again? He has betrayed your trust. And if I accept him, do I want to be like the carpet for him to step all over?

I know I can't dump him right off. I've told him b4 that as of now, I will always have the door open for him if he wants to come back. But I can't say much if it'll be the same in the future.

That lady even has the cheek then to write to me and tell me (more like reprimanding me) to work out my marriage problem and not blame her as the 3rd party. He also tell my hub to tell his family that she's not the 3rd party. I don't understand how she and my hub can say that it's not cos 3rd party that has broke up our marriage. Just says that it's purely us. I agree we do have a prob, but If she doesn't exist, will he made that choice that fast? Sigh!

 

[same feeling]

Hi LizzyJay,

Can't help but to feel that you are actually writting out all my feelings.....

I really feel the same way as you and best of all, that slut do exactly the same things to me on your last para.

sigh... why is there so many slut around....

 

[staple]

This threat is a very long one, took days to finally finish reading all the postings. While i read, i laught at the 'encouragement joke' and i cried at the bitter stories. Esp, the posting by Icestar on 15 Sep '04 & many others, my tears just fall down. All story so unique & yet so similar. Sometimes, just wonder, why is life so difficult or we had choose to live life difficult. At the older days, pple get married without even seeing each other face & yet they live life till old. Why is that at current generation, when we got to choose from so many choices & yet we still end up a bitter separation ... sigh

Life is all abt choice, we are adult, we make a choice & should not regret abt it. However, at times, it jus so difficult & had so much dilemmma in making such choice as one knows tat, tis choice gonna affect the rest of one's life. Therefore, one became afraid & drag on a dead relationship.

I am one such live example that drags on a almost dead marriage. To leave, to stay, i have not decide, just have so many flickle thoughs going thru myself everyday. I am aso afraid to make the wrong decision & having to face the consequences for the rest of my days.

While reading all the posting, i was trying to look for some enlightenment & clue of wat should i do. I suppose, i had choose to live life difficult myself.

 

[hopeful]

Hi Staple..
it is never easy to come to a decision.Listen to your heart. See what ur heart tells u.. not easy because we dun want to leave our comfort zone and face the uncertainity. However, sometimes by doing that, we might lose a better future! Think carefully. Dun need to rush!
What choices u have made, you can always make another choice again. Dun have to pass a death sentence on yourself. Life is already very tough. Dun make it tougher by forcing yourself to accept what u cannot accept.

 

[evielow]

Applause for Hopeful Sally,

Glad to see a more positive u! I know the days, weeks and months ahead are slow and painful. But looking back, you have survived the past weeks. Have faith. God will see you through. So will we.

 

[unwantedman33]

Well, not too sure if I will join this group soon.

I am now physically separated from my wife but no legals yet. Divorce is still a long way.

But as I have discovered, sometimes we have to let go.

At least my children will still have a happy CNY - what is what we agreed. After that, only God knows what will happen.

 

[evielow]

unwantedman33,

You are welcome to join us, regardless of your situation. This informal group is all about supporting each other through difficult times, at different stages of separation (legal or not), divorce etc.

When you feel like talking to someone, just leave your email address or yahoo nick, someone will contact you. Stay strong for your kids.

 

[unwantedman33]

blind wife,

thanks.

I'll just have to wait for a week or two for my wife to decide our fate. If she is adamant about leaving me after CNY then there will be no return and we will be separating for good.

If she makes a u-turn then I have to start all over again to rebuild the family.

I am prepared for both.

 

[unwantedman33]

hello,

The separation is final and I have to move on in life. Sigh. After so many years. The marriage cannot be saved but I do not know when or what to do with the legals. Shall I take the initiative or leave everything as it is?

I still hope one day that she will return.
Am I hopelessly stupid?

My yahoo (terminator33sg) and email [email protected].

 

[strawberry78]

Gong xi fai cai to all - wish the year ahead will be great and wished i had never met the SOB ;P

OK - its chinese new year I'll be nice!

But really, he harassed me during christmas and again now at chinese new year....even said he's visiting singapore and wants overnight access with BB. what a jerk - after threatening to fight for custody and cut off child support. threats, harsh words, meaness...why did i even put up with him previously??? Baffles me...

Well, life is even busier than ever now. Really stretched out now with work and baby - but feeling more accomplished than i ever felt when i was with him. But somehow feeling that i am missing out on fun? been quite focused on work for a while. Hmm...the last party I went to was last October, been really boring the past few months. Busy straightening out my work and fending off the verbal abuse from BB dad.

I don't mind him not calling, appearing forever, just leave me and BB in peace. The lesser I hear, see or deal with him, the happier I am.

Sorry, just really angry with him today, because he kept sms-ing verbal threats and picking a fight....even though he is living in indonesia now. really regret giving him a chance to mess up my life. Well, move on and learn from it.

everyone makes mistakes in their lives and this is one of mine. to trust someone blindly and get burnt.

new year is here - may the rooster year brings all of us happiness, peace and good tidings for all those who weathered tough times in their marital lives. the past has come to past - its the present and the future that matters now!

cheers

 

[dingo_beans]

Hey unwantedman,

Despite all the facts are laying infront of you.
You choose to hold on to thin strain of hope.
The wait and uncertainty is most agonizing.
Think of the brighter side that the agony of waiting is over.
The path ahead is long and yep, one day she might return. For the time being, I'd suggest you to be rational, sought out a plan to cling your way out. You've all our support here, but remember the path of recovery lies in your own hand.

Understand what you are going through. Take care my friend, and may the force be with you.

 

[beaver]

hi strawberry,
ever considered keeping the abusive smses, report to the police and get a PPO? quite worried for u lei... my niece had abusive emails and letters and calls from an ex bf. she had a PPO taken out against him.sometime later, he got himself a new gf... and next thing we heard, dis gf had split up with him and she was undergoing psychiatric treatment from abuse.
u r much stronger and wiser than my niece was at that point (she was only about 23 at that time) but am still worried for you, esp since you have a BB.
Happy New Year to you and your cute BB!

Happy New Year everyone!

 

[soonalone]

Hi Strawberry,

Yes, like what some have advised here, you might want to record down the SMS and seek your lawyer's advice regarding the harassment.

Be strong and ignore him if you could not do anything about it, otherwise, you are falling into his trap. Do something different and occupy your life with activities. That will help you to focus your life. Whenever you have thoughts about him, tell yourself "CANCEL CANCEL".... it's even a waste of time thinking about him.

For me, I'm glad that I am half-way thru the CNY...

Surprised that nobody asked where my husband is during the CNY visitation... maybe it's a norm to them since he never showed up at our monthly family gathering since long time ago. Anyway, since nobody asked, I just kept quiet as voluntarily revealing my status will not do any good but cause gossip. Just let the boy enjoyed the gathering.

Actually, on first day of CNY, I was confused whether it's CNY or 1st April. My husband asked my boy to hand to me a letter after his visitation telling me he has embraced and converted to Muslim. He asked to reconcile and wanted me to accept Islam. He wanted me to accept Christianity when we first got married and now it's Islam. I wonder whether it will be Hinduism or Buddhist in future....! If I listened to him, I think my GodSSS will be confused....!

I was angry and upset when I read the letter. Now when I think of it, I think it's a joke. Anyway, I've updated my lawyer his change of religion and stated my stand that I would still pursue the divorce. I'm exhausted with him being undecisive and his mental torture.

Tomorrow is our mediation and I wish the nightmare can be over soon. I just need to remind myself that some things when done cannot be undone... and sometimes you can't rush things but to give it some patience.

Have peace.

 

[strawberry78]

thanks xiaodingtang and soonalone

yeah i thought i was going nuts when i kena those abusive sms from him. i never call or sms him, he's also the one who initiate contact and then turn psycho like slam down the phone and sms threats. he's really worse that i think -

really blind x100 when i went ahead with the ROM, everyone was advising me to think twice...

folly was my middle name when i married him.

i am worried he might take BB away from me by fighting for custody. but also quite confident that if i stay on track, good career, stay positive, there is nothing to worry about since BB will eventually have to go NS - blessing in disguise? CNY was great without the ex-husband, i never felt happier and more peaceful. realized i was never truly happy when with him.

probably cos i was always disappointed with his negative and unpeaceful moods. so the dark cloud has moved, i hope it will never move back and bring the storms back into BB and my life.

people asked me if i feel lonely being single again? i said no. because i had gone through such a terrible relationship - i realized, its so much better being single (and responsible for my own happiness and BB) than to be unhappily coupled. that's the worst state to be in i feel. thing is, its so great to be free and single, i don't think i ever want to be trapped in the in-laws, bad marriage situation ever again...

unless the real miracle happen -

till then, happy valentine's to all out there!

 

[beaver]

hello strawberry,
can u record the nasty smses? record the times of his psychotic behaviour. if possible, lodge report. then, if he tries to fight for custody, get a good lawyer, and we'll see what judge woudl award custody to such a toad.
the BB is much better of with you.

do take care please....

 

[strawberry78]

thanks xiaodingtang

i will the next time but problem is, i feel so sick of his nasty msg - i delete them immediately so as not to retain his nasty stuff on my hp. i don't ask for much, just wish he will leave me and BB in peace. just leave...i just don't want to see or hear from him again.

he left me with such a bad experience about marriage. just want to flee from him forever

i think i might lodge a police report if he doesn't bring BB back at night - he threatened that if i don't allow him overnight access to BB (which stated in DOS) he will fight for custody and badmouth me to everyone we know, including my relatives and family friends..

its like i had married the devil without even realizing it - its an expensive lesson learnt.

depressed strawberry

 

[soonalone]

Strawberry,

As you know I'm still going thru the divorce. When I moved out, my boy's lawyer wrote me a nasty letter saying I denied the father's access to the boy. So, my lawyer wrote back and fix the formal visitation hour and frequency. I mean he can't simply call and ask for access any other day as such as you could sue him.

I do not know about your case. If you have not done that, ask your husband to request it formally from his lawyer to your lawyer.

Also, I've good news for you. I went for my mediation yesterday and my boy's dad requested for overnight access. The mediator told his lawyer he could apply for it but most likely it will not be granted because my boy is only 4 years old. Normally court will not grant the dad overnight access for young kids.

Your boy is even younger than my boy. So, you don't have to worry. The dad is just trying to frighten you. If I were you, I will just tell him to go apply it at the court. If court says yes, I will happily grant him the access.

One advice that one of my divorced friend told me. She asked me to look forward and be happy. If you are still trapped by his shadow, people will look at you that you are the one who is having problem, not him. The mediator told me the same thing too yesterday. Yes, gone is already gone. Now we just want our life back and look forward. Let time shows everyone the truth.

I'm glad that my case is going to be uncontested after yesterday's mediation. My lawyer told me the court hearing will be 2 months' time. I just hope nothing will happen within these 2 months. And I'm looking forward for my freedom...!!! In fact I think I am now....

Strawberry, I really would like to meet up with you again one of these days as I think there are a lot of similarities for our case in terms of husband, in-laws and belief. I'm not able to make it for coming Sunday, maybe March's, but again.. see how since it's a Sat. Yesterday at the mediation, the boy's dad requested additional access on Sat. I will see how he could sustain.

 

[beaver]

hi strawberry,
please don't be depressed... you've been very strong, am very proud of u.
are u with M1? i am with M1. if u r with M1, i'll call them for you and ask them, if i am receiving sms threats, whether M1 can give me a print-out of the sms-es, the date and time they were sent, the number they were sent from. its most likely possible. u shouldn't have to keep them in your hp - takes up memory space.

in court, evidence matters. my fren lost custody of both children to his wife who was abusive towards him and his kids. it was his words against hers, lack of other substantiating evidence for her abusive behavior. i guess his wife also knows how to really act like an angel in her affadavits and in court. don't want this to happen to anyone else.

since he is sending you nasty smses, he's building you a mountain of evidence against him should be try to gain custody. its advisable to present as good a case as possible in court so that you need not appeal and run up costs.

Custody usually gets awarded to the mothers. Your chances look very good, cos BB has been in your care all this while, and it does sound like BB is flourishing under your care! i read a judge's grounds of decision for awarding the child to the father - but there was very strong evidence of the mother neglecting the child for long periods to pursue her own lifestyle (night classes and clubbing), and documentray evidence in her own handwritten diary that she'd lied to the court about things. Evidence is important.

Has your BB's custody matters been decided alredi? or pending a decision.

Sure am glad u r no longer with this toad! He sounds like a terribly immature person. You deserve better. We all make mistakes. Don't berate yourself - cos there were things about him then that you saw and appreciated then when you made your decision.

soonalone,
me glad ur mediation went along quite ok. all the best with your custody matters.

 

[strawberry78]

soonalone
thanks for your message - lucky you! so soon you will know the results, i am not so lucky, i still need to wait till the three years is up...

let's meet up again, probably march gathering?

xiaodingtang
thanks for your advice too. he visited and took BB out today, and returned him before 7pm, so looks like his threats just a threat. actually i am fine with him if he acts normally and reasonably. we are both adults liao...just that when he becomes mean and crazy - that i will need to fight back and defend myself.

thanks all - think all the stress and all is impacting my health somewhat. new job, ex husband, separation...had migraine and slightly anaemic again. geesh...am only 26 going 27 this year but feels like i have lived a decade in the past 2 years. marriage is a bad experience for me

and having a baby can affect a woman's health if don't take care.

so perhaps the guys have it easier?

oh well - i am happy that BB dad didn't make trouble today but he's coming by again tomorrow, hope he keeps up the good behavior, then i am ok. he's so crazy, can't he see all i want is a stable and peaceful life? if he had not rocked the boat, none of the unhappiness would have happened. not to mention, his mom added oil to fire, so there...its over.

feeling sleepy.

thanks soonalone and michelle, have a good nite!

 

[beaver]

hi strawberry,
u r v young, still have a long way to go. u shouldn't have to live the rest of it in anxiety like dis.

the toad really raises my ire and gets my het up

.

amongst other things, the toad is a bully. or is he sufferring from some mental disorders? schizophrenia? multiple-personality disorder? cos looks like he's sometimes "normal", sometimes mean and crazy. whatever it is, u must not be hurt by him. whether in time he becomes a saint, a monk, a convict or a mental patient, you must not get hurt at any point.

my niece's ex bf started with verbal and written abuse. other forms of abuse followed eventually. my fren's ex bf also started with verbal and psychological abuse. when he laid hands, she pulled the stops and annulled the marriage. i don't think we should have to wait til we get hurt b4 we stop the bully. we don't deserve to be bullied.

i called M1. they said you should make a police report. the police report should be faxed to the telephone service provider with a record of the date and time of the abusive sms-es and the number the smses were sent from. ur service provider will then work with the toad's service provider to retrieve a print out of the sms-es.

u can avail yourself to the above. make sure that he doesn't hurt you, or your BB. he sounds like a rich spoilt brat whose family can probably afford to hire a lawyer. if they try to fight for custody, you want strong evidence to show that he is not suitable for parenthood.

pl take care of ur health. i hope u had a proper post-natal confinement? my sista takes black chicken soup (she's had 4 kids), and she's pretty strong, beautiful too, was once mistaken for a Ms Singapore. take liver? yuk right? see sinseh? pl get sufficient rest and exercise. have some relaxation time. ur parents helping to take care of BB? cos u r a working parent. taking care of your health can be an enjoyable process

anyway, enjoyable or not, its a NECESSITY hor... i really enjoy it tho.

abuse does not only refer to physical abuse. many women wait til someone suffers tangible loss - like injury, loss of possessions etc - before deciding to do something about it. i don't understand why. maybe its fear. don't let the fear stop you from protecting yourself.

gee...when did i become such a feminist???

i just hate seeing members of my sisterhood get hurt unnecessarily! but so many of them get hurt. my mum and my sis taught me not to be afraid of men.my dad showed me a fine example of how men should love their women. he loves the 3 of us to bits!! so do most of my uncles and male cousins. er and my guy frens. they treat gals v nice. the gals in my family tend to be fiercer tho

don't let this toad ruin the marriage notion for you. he's a toad. usually toads come from a family of toads. you're only 26/27, too young to have bleak opinions! u should have a great life! REALLY!!!!

 

[cloud9]

Hi

Can some kind souls please advise me? I have lost all hope in my marriage due to MIL problems. I intend to seek a divorce. However, I have a young kid and I know that hubby will definitely contest me for custody rights. I am currently a stay-at-home mum.

What should I do to ensure that I get full custody of my kid? Get a job? What else should I do to ensure that I won't be on the losing end if I seek a divorce?

Thanks in advance!

 

[preciousthots]

Lost all hopes in marriage due to MIL?! You're married to your hb, not MIL!! The last time I had prob. with my MIL, I asked her if she'd want her son back... she was meddling in too many areas...well, she was too stunned for words.. Thankfully she got the point and after my hb had a good talk with her, she stopped her good intentions. Got my point? COMMUNICATE with your hb, let him do the mediation, but don't come in between them... you"ll want him to honour his mom too; just as you want your child to honour you in future. Please DO NOT seek a divorce due to MIL prob., it's not fair to your hb and esp. your young child! Most married stay-at-home moms have had prob. with MIL..this is understandable cos'3 strangers from entirely different backgrounds will have a lot of adjustments to make...you and hb and you and MIL... don't give up...what you need is someone to share your grievances. Approach another stay at home mom or a good friend, or a marriage counsellor. Hang in there.

 

[cloud9]

Hi preciousthots

Hb had made it clear that he won't do anything. He is a very filial son. He is also aware of the problems that we are facing but he's not open to the suggestion of seeing a marriage counsellor. Since he's not going to protect me in any way, I have to learn how to fend for myself.....alone.

 

[beaver]

cloud9,
its possible that u can see the counsellor on your own first, since he doesn't want to go. this is what a counsellor fren of mine told me. its of cos most ideal if both partners attend the counselling together, but if that is not attainable, 1 partner could go first. can discuss conflict mgt etc, and some counsellors would suggest ways of talking the reluctant partner into going for counselling.

3 in a marriage these days can just get sooo crowded.

 

[beaver]

preciousthots, i like your style!

 

[strawberry78]

xiaodingtang
thanks actually my stand softening again, heard from my mom BB dad has been very patient and took care of him the past 2 days. so actually, back to 8 yrs ago, before MIL and FIL came into the picture, i really loved BB dad alot...maybe even now.

then probably cos of the work stress, pressure to be a dad, his parents scheme to make him move back to jakarta...our differences etc...ended the marriage.

long story short, if it were not for MIL and FIL (MIL started the trouble and FIL finished off our marriage) - i will still be able to put up with his moods and all cos he's not too bad except he got too temperamental because of his mom's words against mine.

and i was really depressed over the in laws problems.

never mind - over now. hopefully everything gets better but when i drove past the places we spent time together, i start to wonder if only MIL and FIL had not ruined things for us and BB.

well, probably love is really not enough....

 

[preciousthots]

Greetings!Cloud9
Hb won't do anything? Or is it because he sees no point (mother can't change! or can't change mother!!)or don't know how...sounds like a sticky situation indeed...are you staying with MIL? I stayed away from visiting MIL for about two months (used to visit weekly!!) to show her I was adamant at running our own lives.Eventually I took the initiative to apologise to her for being blunt...not because I was wrong in my point but it hurts to see hb troubled about the strained relationship. I know its tough but try not to put hb in a spot, don't think he wants to hurt his mom or you intentionally...let him know why you are upset about MIL and see if both of you could think of practical alternatives..visit less often, move out,send hb and child to MIL's place and you take a deserved break, do something you enjoy, meet your buddies, take up a sport or learn something new...in other words, don't be dragged into the drudgery of being another housewife or DIL.COMMUNICATE lovingly. PERSEVERE.
Hatred stirs up dissension,
but love covers all wrongs.

p.s. When was the last time you had some fun?

Whoever said that MIL or DILs could be best friends or even good friends?!

 

[cloud9]

Hi preciousthots

Thanks so much for your advice. I guess I am in an almost similar situation you used to be. We do not stay together. Weekly visits are a must, including a night's stay. I spend the time going out with my friends while hb stays home with MIL and child. With that little time that I spend at her place, she would still find fault with me. Sorry to digress in this thread, I know this is not the place to rant about MIL.

Perhaps I got to agree with strawberry, probably love is not enough....

Hi xiaodingdang

Agree with you, 3 is so crowded. But guess marriage can never be solely between 2 people. I never thought of seeing a counsellor by myself first.

 

[shadeless]

I am very sad right now. Am thinking of a divorce. I am searching the family court's website for more info. Maybe I'll come back again to check on the procedures. I just hope there will be someone out there who will at least understand that it is not all too trivial and it is not me who is not trying hard enough, not tolerant enough. They will say these young people nowadays..

 

[preciousthots]

There are times when divorce seems the inevitable path to take.
I have personally witnessed the divorce of three of my closest and another seems to be treading a similar path...sign...it has brought so much pain and anguish.. loss.. hopelessness.. depression..suicidal thoughts...both to those directly involved and to their families and loved ones; parents, children, siblings and friends.
I have been there for one parent..a mother..who went through severe depression and repeatedly contemplated suicide as a result of her son's divorce. She was left in the dark until the entire process was over...when all's too late.
Another indulged in alcohol and partying; as if these could drown the sorrow, bring comfort or heal the pain...
Still another buried himself in work and busyness...to shut out the accusation...
All were left with an indelible scar...at best...at worst..never truly forgiving the other party or oneself...

Hence it is understandable why God HATES divorce.
Many of us object to it too...
It is like sticking two pieces of paper (people are delicate like paper) together and then ripping them apart, bound to be torn...never the same again...

Marriage is a divine union...where two becomes one...
A man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.Genesis 2:24

So they are no longer two but one. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no man separate. Matthew 19:6

Marriage is honorable among all., and the marriage bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge.Hebrews 13:4

Even as I write this, my tears uncontrollably flow...as if reminded of the pain that I had witnessed...and experienced...and know you are experiencing right now...

The only 'acceptable' grounds for divorce seem to be infidelity, violence; severe physical, mental or emotional abuse, or even outright irresponsibilty...

Which is yours?

Can your marriage be saved? Yourself and hb spared of this painful journey...

Every marriage has its ups and downs...just as life has its joys and sorrows...

To divorce is to give up on each other, not giving the other party the chance to turn over a new leaf...to learn from mistakes...

But we all learn from mistakes...don't we?

Divorce is too big a mistake to make...some say 'my marriage was a mistake'...so divorce inherent..but surely there was something good in your marriage...it helped you grow as a person... appreciate your parents better...gain understanding...forbearance...and of course there were some joys...albeit sweet sorrows...
Have you forgotten what brought you both together in the first place? What attracted you to him at first? What led you both to this path of marriage?

Only you can decide... if you would give each other the chance to make amends...

We care.

 

[beaver]

hello, hope all are having a good weekend
strawberry, u r a soft hearted, forgiving gal. which is great! but pl do remember to be careful, don't be a doormat ok? i've seen a number of ugly divorces, complicated custoday cases, and in all the cases, its one party who's being v difficult, the other too soft - doormat who really got trampled on. u kind of fit the profile, dats why am worried about you.

cloud9, yes, u can see a counsellor on your own 1st. my counsellor fren was sighing that people think they must see the counsellor in pairs. its not true. in fact, in some cases where both partners agree to see the counsellor, there are ocassions where the counsellor might recommend seeing them individually. if one partner doesn't want to see the counsellor, the willing party can go. talk to the counsellor about this, see if there are new perspectives, and counsellor might be able to suggest some ways at approaching relationships that one hasn't thought of before. heck, i was having lunch with this counsellor fren and picked up some good tips myself! and it was just me and this fren, and i wasn't even looking for relationship advice. now, its in this kind of situation that 3 in the marriage is a good thing - husband, wife, and someone who is constructive. marriage is a long long way...can be difficult at times... do consider carefully okie?

anyway u can ignore ur MIL? be respectful but let her remarks pass by without internalising them. i learnt this at pre-marital counselling, helped me a lot, hope you'll find it encouraging too "So what if I'm right, but i lose my relationship?"

shadeless, do take care. marrital problems and bliss v rarely the consequence of 1 partner. "these young people nowadays..."?? "those old people in those days, the men go and get themselves wives and concubines and mistresses and their women let them do." wow, so enlightened they all were too. i think u have enuf worries on your own without worrying about other people's bigoted attitudes on top of dat too. do take care.

cloud9, u and i in similar situation, i'm seeing a number of couples breaking up too.

 

[justpassingby]

preciousthots,

My marriage seems to be heading to the big `D' soon.... and what you have wrote really brought tears to my eyes...

Divorce is really something that i dun wish to happen but it seems the circumstances does not permit that.

My husband is having an affair and he still insist in Divorcing me though i am prepared to give him a chance,so?????

Really make me feel why nowadays people take marriage so lightly.... sigh....

 

[evian]

My hb had an affair for almost 1 yr. (m i super silly???) I never thot this will happen to me. I decide to give him chance, at least i know i had tried my best to save this marriage, even if it still fails, i will have no regrets.

Now, it is easier to forgive than forget. I know i have to erase the painful past so that we can move on together again. I tried, i really tried. Sometime i cant help but still doubt him due to certain incidents. I duno if he still lie to me and thus i becomes insecure. I still have nitemares at times and will end up crying.

When i tell him, he will comfort me initially, but after a short time, he will lose his patience.

I always ask myself should i continue or should i move on?? I know i still love him, thats y i still hold on. I still care alot for him. But is it worth it?? We had a flat but we had not move in. suppose to shift in jan but he says b4 cny, but now cny almost over, we had not move. he always had his reasons. whenever he delays, i will remember the sms he sent to the gal previously- "dun worry, i wun shift in with her". Is it my fault that i become paranoid?

It is a very painful journey which i even thot to end my life.whenever i thot of the things he did, the sms he send and the way he speak to the girl, i really feel sad. But i tried to overcome by telling myself that i have to forget if not i can never move on. But the scar is already there.

 

[preciousthots]

justpassingby,
Infidelity stinks! I can imagine the hurt and betrayal you are experiencing right now.
It's wonderful that you are prepared to give him a chance; though he seemed to be wasting that chance...
Someone remarked: men seemed to hear better than they think...so
Communicate.
Go to him, talk directly and openly with him. Don't corner him. Don't make accusations. Try to remain composed. Recognise that you both need to work through this...but never lose your indignity to plead for him to stay... that will only cause him to lose respect for you and cause him to drift further so as not to be 'trapped'. It's his choice after all...
Though love entails giving each other the freedom to choose;
If you love someone, set him free...
If he comes back to you, he is yours,
If he doesn't, he never was...(Although he once might have been!)
Marital Love and Commitment must be guarded "jealously'and if need be, paintakingly...you love him too much to allow another to steal him away from you...you want him to be the one to spend your life with,
he lawfully belongs to you...you are the one he vowed to stay with for better or for worse...
till death do you part.
Till he failed to keep his promise...lacked judgement and broke the vows and committed ADULTERY!
If 'talking' alone doesn't move him, bring someone or two or three others...your significant others... parents, siblings, best friends, those whose words will make an impact on him... let them confront him for his ADULTERY.
If this still doesn't work, a separation might be the the consequential course...but don't divorce him and let him have the easy way to unite with the INTRUDER, he can't divorce you unless you agree to it! But of course, he may not return to your matrimonial home, care for you like he used to, or worse, you might be miserable watching him stray and destroy himself and your marriage...
Are you prepared to hang on? Are you prepared to wait for him to return to you? Do you believe he will regret his foolishness in due time? Can you forgive him if he returns, and not taunt him for his sins?
My friend, a man reaps what he sows.
Your faithfulness will prevail and pain diminish with the passing of time... but he has to live with a seared conscience all the days of his life for having betrayed you, though for a while he might not give thought to it...
Please see a marriage counsellor immediately. You will need all the help to grapple with the hurt feeings and an objective and thorough consideration of the consequences, alternatives and legal implications.
My prayers are with you. If you want to contact me, please leave your email address and I will get in touch with you.
I care.

 

[evielow]

Indeed, infidelity is difficult to bear. It leaves behind a long trail of emotional, mental, spiritual pain, sorrow and burdens. Even with forgiveness, infidelity brings a rift of mistrust, suspicion, possession etc., which requires more than love to repair and heal. To some, it's easier to walk away and try to bury the pain by starting anew. To others, they choose to risk their hearts again in the marriage. Whenever the decision, the walk ahead is difficult and painful.

Sometimes, I lament the foolishness of the human heart. Why is it so difficult for one to remain true to his/her love, values, principles and promises? Many times, I wish and pray for otherwise, but sadly, the die has been cast. Despite wanting a happy ending, I soon realised that it really takes two hands to clap. If the other party is unwilling, untrue and unrepentant, if your heart is not strong enough, it is still the same ending.

Will we ever escape the imprisonment of fate and destiny?

 

[unwantedman33]

Well, I am in the same predicament.

However, I urged all contemplating to save their marriage to go to this excellent website - http://www.marriagebuilders.com - it really open up my eyes as to what is love, why do pple have affairs, how to survive one and to rebuild your marriage.

It is heartening to know that most affairs do not last.

I still have a long way to go but I am still hanging on there.

 

[preciousthots]

unwantedman33

Thanks so much for introducing such a great website. There are many helpful and interesting
articles. Have learnt a lot! I encourage all of you to check it out for yourself.

 

[unwantedman33]

preciousthots,

Yes it is a great site. I happen to stumble upon it in my moments of despair. so at least I know when my wife told me all those things as not loving me, never love me etc etc etc.. In the terms they used - she is in the fog and not my wife. and they compare affair as to a drug addiction - very appropriate comparision.

I would suggest anyone who want to know more about relationship between couples - not only those in danger of divorce - to go to the excellent website.

 

[hopeful]

Hi
is it true that most affairs do not last? I really wonder.. Many people have been telling me that if a man or a woman has changed his/her heart, it is almost impossible to reconcile.
This morning I read a news about divorce rate hit the highest last year. It seems to me that marriage institution is disintergrating and marriage vows can cannot hold fast to the end in this present era. I really wonder, what will stay forever?
Times have changed. My friends have been telling me"Come on, it is so common to divorce. Don't worry, U will be fine!" Yah, I will be fine, but it will really leave a long trail of scars and emotional ordeal. I "marvel" at those unfaithful spouses;how they can be so guilt-less, how they can still lead life as per normal,or even happier.
Life is short. There are so many natural disasters. Sometimes I really hope that the end of the world will come sooner. Hoping that God will judge all those adulterous people soon.
Haizzz...

 

[beaver]

some people don't believe in monogamy, don't believe in faithfulness to one partner... why the went and got married and took vows of faithfulness is beyond me.
wanted33 - thanks v much for the link! sorry i can't call u unwantedman33. i just can't.

 

[unwantedman33]

It is true that most affairs do not last but that does not mean that the marriage broken by the affairs remain intact. Most people would choose to go separate ways rather than try to pick up the pieces.

Marriage and staying in love is much more than marriage vows. It has nothing to do with faithfullness - it can strike everyone however faithfull you may be. My wife have been faithful for 16 years and yet in the last 12 months she has undergone a major transformation. It is difficult to talk about right or wrong or faithful or not. For a marriage to last - I believe it needs both parties to work on it continuously - most of us just take it for granted and only started to regret and repair when it is too late - I am myself like that too.

So when your spouses attempt to complain or communicate to you about something - think about it - don't dismiss it at nonsense. Couples need to communicate and connect better, to be more open and honest about their feelings - it will ensure a better and more sustainable marriage

Well, I have failed but I am working very hard now.

 

[redstar202]

In the following article about spousal violence, perhaps one can get some inspiration or the motivation to fight on from the miracle that eventually occured.

There is also something else to learn from in this article i.e the devastation a failed marriage can cause.


>>>>>

FOR more than 22 years, sales executive Ivy Sim lived in fear of her
husband, Mr Ben Yeo. He would hurl obscenities at her any time and
anywhere, often accusing her of cheating on him.

Sometimes he would even threaten her with a parang.

The couple were willing to tell their story only if their real
identities were not revealed.

They married in 1981, but their marriage headed downhill very soon.
Within a year, they were sleeping in separate rooms and hardly speaking.
Often the only words heard in their Bedok flat were the English, Malay
and Hokkien vulgarities Mr Yeo, a businessman, would be screaming at
her.

But two things made a difference: A personal protection order (PPO)
and a cake she bought him for Christmas.

The couple are now together again and, at a family service centre in
Tiong Bahru last week, Madam Sim, 49, said: 'I suffered for more than
two decades because the man I married was not the charming man I had
courted.'

Mr Yeo, 64, readily agreed and blamed the change in his behaviour on
his failed first marriage. In 1970, he had caught his wife of 14 years
in bed with another man and divorced her.

Although he married Madam Sim 11 years later, he was still scarred by
his earlier experience.

She said: 'He didn't want me to go out at all or have other friends.
He always thought I was going to meet another man. I tried to be
understanding as I realised he was like this because of his first marriage,
but I also felt it wasn't fair to me. I was not his ex-wife.'

Madam Sim sought help from the church but her husband refused to
cooperate. She turned to her siblings and they told her bluntly to get a
divorce.

'My family never approved of my marriage to Ben as he was divorced,
but I couldn't walk out on our three children,' she said.

In 2003, when the youngest turned 16, she filed for divorce. A family
counsellor then suggested that she should try out a personal protection
order.

He explained to her that a PPO is a court order that restrains a
violent or abusive spouse with the threat of imprisonment, and that it may
require the couple to attend counselling sessions.

Applications for PPOs and domestic exclusion orders, which bar the
violent or abusive spouse from the house or certain areas of a house,
dropped to 2,783 in 2003 from 2,944 the previous year. Last year, there
were 2,522 applications.

'For more than 20 years, no one had told me about PPOs or the
availability of counselling services,' Madam Sim said with some regret.

But her husband hit the roof when she secured the PPO. He felt that
since the court controlled what he could say and do, the marriage was
over.

In court, Mr Yeo agreed to abide by the conditions of the PPO, but at
home, he punished Madam Sim by treating her as if she did not exist. He
also stayed away from the counselling sessions.

This hostility lasted until Madam Sim decided to buy him a gift on the
advice of the counsellor.

'He loves fruit cake and the Christmas gift proved to be the
breakthrough we needed,' she said.

Slowly their relationship warmed and Mr Yeo even attended the
counselling sessions, but senior social worker Charles Lee recalled that it was
tough at first.

He said: 'Ben and Ivy were often defensive and blamed each other, and
it took five sessions before they would even talk to each other
normally.'

A few months later, Mr Yeo moved back into the master bedroom. Today,
they laugh about the bad old days.

Mr Lee admits that this particular couple is a rarity as only one or
two out of 10 marriages are saved through counselling.

He said: 'The PPO is meant to remove the violent element in the
relationship so as to encourage the couple to live normally, but some wives
use it to taunt their husbands. So many husbands see the PPO as a
prelude to separation and divorce.'

 

[needhelpasap]

Hi all,

Mi and my husband had rom for a year and now he had an affair with a gal and demanded a divorce. We do have a flat involved but no kids. He asked me if I prefer annullment or divorce, and let me decide how I want to end this fate. He had checked with his lawyer friend and he mentioned that it'll be better for me to file if I want annullment. How true is that? I really want to end this mistake asap and wish to opt for annullment so that I don't have to keep in contact with him anymore after we've settled everything. Anyone had success with anullment? Can you pls send me your lawyer's contact to [email protected]? I need a good lawyer for my annullment case. Luv sux..

Thanks alot

 

[needhelpasap]

Hi,

Anyone? I hope to file for it within these few days

 

[evielow]

Dear NeedHelpASAP,

Your situation sounds like mine. Here's what I gathered on annulment.

Annulment:
1. In fact, it's better for men to file for annulment than women. One of the reasons for annulment is that your marriage has not been consummated yet. For men to file is easier because it's easier for the husband to claim figidity in a wife than it is easier for wife to claim impotence in husband. Cos that will involve medical proof, and it's harder (forgive me for the pun ) to check for figidity (cos it's emotional) than impotence (physical).

2. Another thing you have to consider is the flat. Did you obtain any grant? Grant wise, it has to be paid back in CASH. For new flats, I'm sure there is some kind of penalty. You will have to call up HDB office to check in particular to the sum you have to pay back.

3. Single status will be reverted to you, once annulment is given. Which means that you can still apply for grant and enjoy first-time status when purchasing a flat.

In my case, I did not go for annulment because of the financial consequences of annulment. So it depends on you. Weigh out your options first. All the best to you!

 

[lucky_boy]

If you really need help and advice, kindly email only to dingo_beans (male) or evielow (female) Both of them actually is so called the leader for this support group cos we meet up in a group rather than 1 to 1 to share all your ups & downs!

 

[strawberry78]

people make such a big deal out of divorces - yes, to a certain extent, it is. especially when there are kid(s) involved like mine.

but recently, i have got to know many people who are in their 2nd marriage - happily, yes. and even planning for a family. so restart is possible and i think it is good to plan for it the second time round.

good luck to all of us!

 

[dingo_beans]

Hi NeedHelpASAP,

Understand the kinda pain you're going through and how lost you're. There're a lot here that have gone through similar situations and are ready to share and help. There's pros and cons to both annulment and divorce. Like what Evie said, the decision really depends on your own priority. Feel free to discuss this with the group through IM/forum/email/in person. (Depends on whatever that's comfortable with you). Will send you email on some legal contacts. Take care.

Hi Lucky_Boy,
Thanks for looking us so "up". It's true that we try to help on group basis rather than 1 to 1. But there are many others here that are also capable to help.