Stuck in between
- Thread starter juergen
- Start date
I was in this situation before, my mother in law wanted to calculate our wedding date too. But out of respect, I gave in to her because I can understand she has good intentions for us.
The only thing my husband and I insist was the wedding date has to be on a sat because we don't want to hold our wedding banquet on a weekday.
On her end, she is also quite understanding because she asked the shifu to calculate a few good dates for us to choose and those dates are all sats. And we picked one. Win-win situation.
Maybe you can ask your mum to calculate a few dates for you and have your gf to choose the date she prefers.
The only thing my husband and I insist was the wedding date has to be on a sat because we don't want to hold our wedding banquet on a weekday.
On her end, she is also quite understanding because she asked the shifu to calculate a few good dates for us to choose and those dates are all sats. And we picked one. Win-win situation.
Maybe you can ask your mum to calculate a few dates for you and have your gf to choose the date she prefers.
milo is right, u will have a long way ahead...
u are what the cantonese say 自己拿æ¥è¡°... ok i'm not sure if my last character is correct... but basically u like to give out info for pple to scold and obstruct u.
most of the obstacles u will have in your marriage, is becos u open your mouth and give out too much info for pple to use against u, oppose u, etc. things that dun need advice, u also will say out for the hack of it...
if u dun curb this, your life, not just relationships... will be in alot of constant dilemma.some things in life, decide and just do it...
not everything require approval and support. there are things in life which only we know the full extent of the situation, thus able to apply our decisions accordingly...
u are what the cantonese say 自己拿æ¥è¡°... ok i'm not sure if my last character is correct... but basically u like to give out info for pple to scold and obstruct u.
most of the obstacles u will have in your marriage, is becos u open your mouth and give out too much info for pple to use against u, oppose u, etc. things that dun need advice, u also will say out for the hack of it...
if u dun curb this, your life, not just relationships... will be in alot of constant dilemma.some things in life, decide and just do it...
not everything require approval and support. there are things in life which only we know the full extent of the situation, thus able to apply our decisions accordingly...
haha...no use...i quarrel with mum and gf yesterday already. (first with mum at my hse and then with gf at her hse) Both also stubborn...wan their way...gf feels that i am mama's boy...mum feels that i will be wife's slave in future....keep saying i treat the other one better...one tell me i unfilial...one tell me i dun care for her....wtf...who is the one that is actually suffering now
outcast....have tried but gf wun listen...dun wan to calculate.
well powder...i dun agree with you...what i do is most ppl will do...juz becuz i love the both of them.
the only thing i might be wrong is maybe i gave in too much...but normally guys dun bother these kind of things...we are more neutral and not so gey gao
well powder...i dun agree with you...what i do is most ppl will do...juz becuz i love the both of them.
the only thing i might be wrong is maybe i gave in too much...but normally guys dun bother these kind of things...we are more neutral and not so gey gao
Tell both to shut up and YOU choose the date.
Just kidding.
Actually, I feel your GF should be more understanding in this. Most parents insist to "count" dates because they truly believe this is the best for their kids.
How about letting your mom count the date for the traditional wedding, and let your GF choose ROM date. Ask them both to compromise on this?
Just kidding.
Actually, I feel your GF should be more understanding in this. Most parents insist to "count" dates because they truly believe this is the best for their kids.
How about letting your mom count the date for the traditional wedding, and let your GF choose ROM date. Ask them both to compromise on this?
so this means i dun love my mum and wife... hmm...
u know dude, when u make career choices in fields and financial packages where your parents will Never understand, it is silly to actually seek their input, and expect them to understand... and put yourself in a corner to 'oppose' them knowing well your decision is better than their views.
same with other matters in life where pple who should be involved, should be involved.
too many cooks spoil the broth, and too many indian chiefs results in a painful decision. when u invite too many pple into a decision, this is what's gonna happen... especially if these pple feel they have the right to control the result.
it's not a matter of love nor respect... u can do the same by Informing them. but keep the decision very much your own... unfortunately u're like that lady who goes around seeking approvals for her dress, and having some say it's nice and some say it isn't, and some say it's provocative and she should not wear it.
i think your gfren will always be in a difficult position becos it's not just gonna be this. later will have other ceremonies/dates... then when u have kids, it'll be over their diet, the colour of their clothes, the brand of diapers, the type of food they can eat, the education they should have, the maid u can employ... then fight over chinese medicine versus western, this can that cannot etc etc...
for all the love u have for these 2 women, u will directly create rifts between them and screw everyone big time. u have poor handling abilities, and your final outcome will be to blow up at both, or leave either one.
u know dude, when u make career choices in fields and financial packages where your parents will Never understand, it is silly to actually seek their input, and expect them to understand... and put yourself in a corner to 'oppose' them knowing well your decision is better than their views.
same with other matters in life where pple who should be involved, should be involved.
too many cooks spoil the broth, and too many indian chiefs results in a painful decision. when u invite too many pple into a decision, this is what's gonna happen... especially if these pple feel they have the right to control the result.
it's not a matter of love nor respect... u can do the same by Informing them. but keep the decision very much your own... unfortunately u're like that lady who goes around seeking approvals for her dress, and having some say it's nice and some say it isn't, and some say it's provocative and she should not wear it.
i think your gfren will always be in a difficult position becos it's not just gonna be this. later will have other ceremonies/dates... then when u have kids, it'll be over their diet, the colour of their clothes, the brand of diapers, the type of food they can eat, the education they should have, the maid u can employ... then fight over chinese medicine versus western, this can that cannot etc etc...
for all the love u have for these 2 women, u will directly create rifts between them and screw everyone big time. u have poor handling abilities, and your final outcome will be to blow up at both, or leave either one.
powder..it's easier to make a decision in work...it's not that i have poor handling abilities...it's juz that i care too much for their feelings...i can be very assertive at work...and whatever decision i mean i dun care who i will hurt as they are not my love ones...i can be nasty as i am always in work...but i cnt use the same approach in work towards them. somehow i juz realize humans are always plain selfish...kept saying they are ill-treated or we dun spare a thought for them but actually we treat them alot better...juz that ppl dun realize how fortunate they are when they are in the beneficial area but once they dun get wat they wan they will always say they lose out. come to think of it, i wonder wat am i to them. did my gf and mum spare a thought for me when they insist wat they wan? maybe that's my life that i have a stubborn mum and gf who wan everything in their way...now i realize why sometimes ppl say it's better to be with urself...no worries..wan to do wat can do wat...
dilemma,
Be assertive towards gf and or mother does not mean you don't care about their feelings.
It may be better to assert yourself than to let each of them think you are leaning towards the other person.
It is more difficult to be assertive towards people we have no authority over.. in work it could be different due to your position. And there are ways of handling difficult woman to get what you want.. If you can't handle them, you have got to learn..
Be assertive towards gf and or mother does not mean you don't care about their feelings.
It may be better to assert yourself than to let each of them think you are leaning towards the other person.
It is more difficult to be assertive towards people we have no authority over.. in work it could be different due to your position. And there are ways of handling difficult woman to get what you want.. If you can't handle them, you have got to learn..
lovelydove
New Member
Each of the have to give in a little, maybe ask your mum to get a few dates and your gf to choose from those few?
Like you said, the date that your gf choose have no special significant, why she die die dun want to let your mum calculate the dates?
There will be more to come like guo da li and actual day event, definitely the elders in the family will want to have some say in those as well. What will happen den?
Although it's you and your gf's wedding.. But a marriage is about 2 families. Both have to get along and learn how to give and take. If you GF really cannot get along with your mum, your life will be hell after marriage.
Like you said, the date that your gf choose have no special significant, why she die die dun want to let your mum calculate the dates?
There will be more to come like guo da li and actual day event, definitely the elders in the family will want to have some say in those as well. What will happen den?
Although it's you and your gf's wedding.. But a marriage is about 2 families. Both have to get along and learn how to give and take. If you GF really cannot get along with your mum, your life will be hell after marriage.
pink_swallow
Member
Hi Dilemma, this is really a small matter. If you can't resolve this by these few days, I would suggest you get a third party like a geomancer to calculate the date. If not, tell your mother you insist on a special date for e.g. the date you and your gf got together. If your AD is not the same day as your ROM, then tell your Mother that she can help to calculate the AD instead since that is the customary and more traditional event. Usually will be hard to get the good date in the end as most hotels will be booked early anyway...
miloice
Well-Known Member
"well powder...i dun agree with you...what i do is most ppl will do...juz becuz i love the both of them. "
haha... bro, most of us love our spouse and parents too. But, most are able to understand them enough and anticipate the reactions and minimize the need for these conflicts. You reason with your lack of tact and common sense as love. That's why I say, good luck to you lor. cheers.
haha... bro, most of us love our spouse and parents too. But, most are able to understand them enough and anticipate the reactions and minimize the need for these conflicts. You reason with your lack of tact and common sense as love. That's why I say, good luck to you lor. cheers.
Dilemma, it's time to excercise your assertiveness and take control of this situation.
You MUST speak up and be the person taking the lead here. If not, both mom and GF will suffer. And the one who suffer most will be you.
This is a good training exercise for you before marriage... after marriage, be prepared for more conflict handling between mom and wife.
You MUST speak up and be the person taking the lead here. If not, both mom and GF will suffer. And the one who suffer most will be you.
This is a good training exercise for you before marriage... after marriage, be prepared for more conflict handling between mom and wife.
miloice
Well-Known Member
"actually we treat them alot better...juz that ppl dun realize how fortunate they are when they are in the beneficial area but once they dun get wat they wan they will always say they lose out."
with aunties... its all too common. They don't know what they want and need. Just meeting up daily to with neighbors comparing and putting down their own children 'humbly' expecting others to praise them actually. They come from a different era, so, don't expect them to think alike us. You gotta learn to make tough decisions, exercise tact and empathy at the same time. Managing parents is mostly difficult. We just ignored them for long enough not to realize it till after marriage with it suddenly become obvious. Loving someone doesn't mean complying everything they say.
with aunties... its all too common. They don't know what they want and need. Just meeting up daily to with neighbors comparing and putting down their own children 'humbly' expecting others to praise them actually. They come from a different era, so, don't expect them to think alike us. You gotta learn to make tough decisions, exercise tact and empathy at the same time. Managing parents is mostly difficult. We just ignored them for long enough not to realize it till after marriage with it suddenly become obvious. Loving someone doesn't mean complying everything they say.
If your fiancee doesn't believe in such stuff, no amount of calculation will make her change her mind to change dates - good or bad. So why bother calculating in the first place? That's what she'll feel.
Dilemma, it is YOUR marriage. One that is between you and your wife. Your mother is entitled to her opinions and she may suggest, but it cannot be imposed on you. You need to manage your parents' expectations.
Let this go on, and only your marriage will suffer.
Dilemma, it is YOUR marriage. One that is between you and your wife. Your mother is entitled to her opinions and she may suggest, but it cannot be imposed on you. You need to manage your parents' expectations.
Let this go on, and only your marriage will suffer.
agreed.. its a long long road ahead.. especially when all the tiny details of the wedding comes.. Have you gone thru wedding prep class? I think it will help with such topics too.
I feel its always impt to establish who is the ultimate decision maker of the wedding. Parents? Guy side or girl side? Or the Bride/groom. (Hint: who is paying the money?) Set expectations and let them know who is making the last call.
Its always easier if its jus between u and ur wife, you can communicate and sort it out. However, when it involves parents/bride-groom/religion/culture, things just get more complicated.
Loving them deoesnt mean u need to give in to everything that they demand. They need to learn to give and take too.
Its the same that you cant have 2 project managers in the project, there needs to be only 1 person who makes the final decision. You cant please everyone.
I feel its always impt to establish who is the ultimate decision maker of the wedding. Parents? Guy side or girl side? Or the Bride/groom. (Hint: who is paying the money?) Set expectations and let them know who is making the last call.
Its always easier if its jus between u and ur wife, you can communicate and sort it out. However, when it involves parents/bride-groom/religion/culture, things just get more complicated.
Loving them deoesnt mean u need to give in to everything that they demand. They need to learn to give and take too.
Its the same that you cant have 2 project managers in the project, there needs to be only 1 person who makes the final decision. You cant please everyone.
