so much frustration n uncertainty

hi I have been using sgbrides for guide a long time n this is my first post as I m feeling quite lost.

htb comes from a very big family, quite traditional sense.. MIL very big on having extended family dinners every other week that type.. his extended family have children who R very naughty. every Cny also break things, if don't give IPAD or have their way will scream n throw temper that type. htb is first male grandson of his paternal granny

I come from a broken family, but I have stepparent who is Ang moh. my mother is very modern. my family is very very small - no extended family at all. but my mother always stress the importance of chinese values like respecting elders at dinner table la tt type. PIL always think I donno how to eat this eat that like I never ever have boiled soup b4 or chicken liver or some dialect specialty dish b4 just cos of my family background but everything they ask me i all are b4 coz my mom always exposed me to different things since young. ppl always think broken family means poor child but I m very independent. I'm only child

anyway i always hope tt on my wedding day, ppl will let me plan the day I want n share with ppl I want to share with. lucky me to have a htb who thinks similarly

my htb doesn't care who is invited or not as long as he's marryibg me n im happy. he was resistant to do the tea ceremony at first but I oersauded him to cos i think it's impt. anyway my fru rations are these and I can't work them out

1) Afraid that PIL are very judge mental on my family: career mother remarry foreigner n tt I m not on any terms with my father since young. you know like they will gossip to aunties uncles n what not. like I'm very fiercely protective of my family so I cannot tolerate. ESP if this is family i going to marry into. lead to point 2)

2) what if PIL keep pestering abt my biological father n say he got right to b at wedding cos he is "afterall the father"? once we had meeting last time n MIL shot me tt "they (paternal family) also raise U rite" like i very unfilial but explain to her circumstances already n htb (then bf) also told her off privately.

3) then at wedding I always only wanted a small intimate wedding. my htb too. just immediate family (parents, his siblings, bestest friends) then have a nice suit n gown n dance n have fun till sunset with ppl who love us n we love them most. ppl who basically know our love to celebrate our love together.

BUT. PIL want to invite a lot a lot a lot of ppl. I only got LESS than 20 ppl coming on my side. htb also agreed small n sweet n intimate. but they want grand wedding like bride n groom must perform la, must yum sheng la, must those banquet la, every extended uncle auntie cousin far n wide must invite who I never meet b4, will most likely never meet again n even my htb don't even know. or have PPP we donno gawk at us or gossip or what not. I told MIL I m not tt type of girl I like quietness. I prefer quality over quantity n magnitude. even htb is like tt. his cousins all got those grand banquet weddings. one even got like 3-4 weddinbs in different countries: like 2 in malaysia 2 in SG tt type. bit htb n I not like tt. not tt type who like big spectacle. we got few close friends too. we r very geeky n quiet type. his dad once say wedding is like not wedding more like biz connection session. sigh. if others R ok like tt then it's up to them cos it's their wedding but we r not like tt. anyway, htb is pressurized.

n i know if I alwaysgive in then I'll never get a breather forever cos mil always sticky to htb. I understand too cos I sticky to my parents too but sometimes we need space to breathe ma. lucky my parents let me be on my own but when it's family time I love family time. anyway htb is very filial in his own way too n I respect him for tt. but I know I'll be very very very unhappy if we have a wedding his parents want. I'll sulk I'll not feel it's a day for us n for ppl we love to celebrate us. I didn't want to marry in the first place - htb n I dating for more than 11 years already. we happy status quo. htb proposed last time like 4-5 years ago. ok not really propose la more like an agreement tt we R so happy tgether we will spend many many many more yes like tt happy tgether.

was thinking solution to have tea ceremony another day then can assuage his parents of inviting all those ppl. htb ok but PIL still no. n htb don't want to do tea ceremony to extended relatives other than his parents, sister, grandmothers, n his closest uncle n aunty n also my parents la.

we R paying the wedding by ourselves. we already say keep it small scale low scale the way suited to our personalities carefree n happy. we don't earn much n i don't want to ask for money cos I believe we got enough for what we think is enough. we also thinking of taking a break from wrk to further studies so we want to keep things small n intimate like who we r. but this is increasingly not possible n we r increasingly unhappy. to the pt I want to run away n call off the wedding n not burden htb anymore. htb wants me to give in but I wont. maybe I'm too obstinate n naive n idealistic n selfish I don't know. but what's the pt of marrying n go thru such bad patch? I'm really not trying to be disrespectful im not disrespectful person at all but at lot of factors make it hard so hard for us. I don't want to be unhappy on tt day. I c my friends plan their wedding with their hubby n end up inflate until cannot recuperate costs at all + invited 1/2 of ppl they donno + their respective parents n in laws complain until the wedding becomes likd theirs like tt + they do stressed n unhappy in the end n can't wait for the day to be over. mayb I need enlightenment n help. frustrated


Hi, my htb is also like ur htb have big traditional family. I resisted to have big weddings too... the parents were v excited n like want to invite the whole of singapore to our wedding. Because wad i want is juz less than 20 or 15 tables... a small intimate wedding. I also like you, wanted to be that way, but end of the day i give in as i dun wish to see my htb unhappie. As much as its my one and only wedding, i didnt get what i wanted most, like venue n dates... etc. I gave in partly due to ny own parents not supportive and also my htb.

Sure maybe i insist i might get less tables n all.. but its not only about me either. My htb has to be happy too. If his parents were upset surely will affect him n he will feel sad as he got to choose either wife decision or parents.

In the end, no 2 separate days of wedding either (one for my liking another relatives) , he gave a comfortable limited no of tables for the mother to work with to invite all the ppl she want to invite. And Firmly insist no more than that.

My wedding is now 9mths away... im feeling better though abit yi han that it didnt go my way. i am currently going tru some rough patch of life n my htb is there for me every step of the way.... i realised somethinh. Wedding is just a day. But the marriage is to stay. So what matters is both of u got to be happy with each other. Maybe i din get all that i initally liked... n invite a truck load of ppl i barely know,but hey if thats gonna lessen my htb worries. Its a small thing to compromise on my part. My wedding is something i dream v long as a little girl. But i found the man to spend all my life happiness with and if it means to give up a childhood dream wedding to m ake the love of my life smile n be less troubled n caught between family n wifey... i will do it.

Note: my htb doesnt mind my wedding idea of a small one too. But cannot coz relatives too many.

What i suggest is, try to work it out with yr htb. Pick ur battles. U win some n lose some. Agree to a certain amt of tables for ur pil. (Mine is 13 tables just for them side of relatives, but u can get the idea). get affordable places To hold the wedding n suit the theme u like. (I did still get somewhat of the garden wedding feel that i like)
Regarding the tea ceremony, i feel u can tell them too long will not be good, say the feng shui master say de. In wadever case just say fengshui master say cannot based on u n htb ba zi. ( works v good for old traditional parents)


Regarding ur invites to ur own biological father, that one u just do whatever you want. This is one battle u pick and dont lose. It is ur choice n you not say not filial but honestly if not close is even more embarassing to be there and let ppl fingerpt u n him.

My wedding for example will not have certain USUAL yum sheng (i totally hate that) intending to say cheers and sit down. No cake cutting either... hate to pose with a stupid model cake that i cant even eat. im trying to not take pics at the tables too. .. etc

small Things like that discuss and see which u can take or not. If u cannnot control size of the wedding, at least u get to choose the type of wedding u wan. No performance? Fine... jus insist that. No banquet? Maybe u can do lunch, less formal banquet feel. (Btw, i hate the usual banquet ballroom feel, hated ballroom max... wanted resturant but too big to fit so i have a marquee instead)

Lastly, regarding ur first pt, when there is people tbere will be judgements, hold ur head high look at them straight in the eye if they start to fingerpt, so long as u n htb n ur family happy, they will stop eventually. Small hearted ppl will second guess themselves n judgements if u are firm n look at them straight in the eye.

So all in all, dont fret of small things, of unimpt details, get married is a happy thing. U get to spend the rest of ur life with the ppl u love n be happy. Focus on that... u n htb are more impt.. and congrats to u!! Jia you!!! I hope u feel better mths down the road!!!


I agreed with what sjunzz said, a wedding is just a day while a marriage will accompany us for the rest of our life. Thus, there are some things that aren’t worth fighting over with the ones we loved or our SO cherished to have it the way we want. A wedding banquet is not just ours but is also for our parents to celebrate with our relatives the happiness they have for us being wed to someone we loved.

I wanted to not have a wedding banquet or just have an intimate wedding with our parents, closed relatives and friends but my parents opposed strongly to it – it left us both with a lot of frustration and unhappiness. There is a time where I started doubting if my parents cared of what I want and my happiness because I cannot get through to them how much I loathed wedding banquets and how miserable I will feel if I have do it.

In the end to prevent souring our relationship, I gave in to a wedding banquet but I firmly fight for the least amount of tables I can with them. Perhaps you can do that with your in-laws too, limit the banquet to only family. Let them know you do not want to break the bank so that you both can save up for starting a family after the wedding. Work with your SO as a team to convince and persuade his parents come to a compromise that you and them can accept. Jiayou!!

My MIL is really dependent on my htb too, we are always dragged out together to do something that she wants and needs, I really want some time alone with him but sometimes there is not enough such quality time. It makes me frustrated but oh well..I chose him because he is filial and family orientated thus I finally understand that it comes with its pros and cons. Just have to accept it and change our mindset. Try to ask your htb to make time for you both and breather time for you, just have to work it out.

Regarding your biological father issue, whether or not you want to invite him is your choice. People will gossip and judge whether you invite him or not. Thus, it is up to you to make the call if you want him there or not and relay that message clearly to your SO’s parents.


A marriage is a union of two families with different upbringing and values etc. Thus no one said that marrying someone is easy because one have to deal with difference in mindsets, parents, relatives and more. In the end, you have to ask yourself what do you really want out of the marriage?

If having difficulties and disagreements in just the planning of wedding will break you enough to call it off and you can’t compromise at all to give some and take some. Then honestly, there would be a lot more disagreements and difficulties in your lifetime of marriage in the future. How will you be dealing with it all? Sometimes being with another person isn’t about winning or having things your way though we probably wish we can. But how we can compromise so that we can get a win win situation - where you can get the best out of a given situation while still be able to find the direction to happiness together with the person you loved. So that you can happy just having your SO beside you in everything you two do.


1) Cooking dishes is something you can always pick up if you want to. If necessary, can try to 'wayang" a few. Talking "negative" stuff about your family, as long as my hubby dun do it, for me is okay. Cos you cant force him to tell off the elders in the family. Getting angry with him doesnt help either, so have to learn to close 1 eye.

2) As for your biological father, if it makes you and your family uncomfortable for him to turn up. Perhaps, you can just explain that you are no longer in contact with him. After all you have your stepfather to walk you down the aisle, why is that "broken".

3) Just keep in your mind that, you can NEVER please everyone. Do your best, nth to be guilty or uncomfortable about. My mum was nagging at me after wedding, but in my head was all about the honeymoon, and i forgot about it rather quickly. :D Removing young kids headcount, it somehow reduce by about 10%-20%. They dun eat so much and the angbao probably doesnt include them as well. :oops:
So, just do within your means, sticking to the budget and nothing more. So, if inviting more pple, will then have to choose a "cheaper" venue. And not all will turn up if it is during holiday season. ;)

PS. I didnt really want a wedding banquet, so I just wanna get over and done with whatever ways they like.


Active Member
I asked my own parents "Why would you want us to waste $100+ per kid treating them to a dinner which they won't enjoy?" 1 family usually have 2-3 kids, we can easily count 20-30 kids to invite = $2-3k. Then they feel abit of heartpain and loosen up on their demand on inviting kids.


1) Why are you afraid that your future in laws will be judgmental about your family? You can't control what other people think so don't worry about it unnecessarily. If they want to make a fuss about it, that's their problem, not yours. Your in laws also cannot make you invite your biological father if you don't want to. Just tell them honestly but politely that you don't want to. Repeat it several times if necessary. You don't even have to say much. Just say no. With a smile.

Extended family with uncontrollable brats? Just ignore lor. They are also not your kids. Sit far far away and ignore them.

2) If the in-laws want to invite huge gangs of relatives you've never seen before, no problemo. Ask them to pay for it and they can invite the whole of Singapore if they want to. In fact, hand the banquet manager's number over to them and let them handle it. You can wash your hands of it and just appear at the dinner banquet. Ask them to plan the programme too. The key is not to be afraid of them being disappointed in you as long as you feel that you've done your best. As long as your husband shares your sentiments, everything else can just ignore.

The wedding dinner is a chance for the in laws to shine coz your hb is after all the first male grandson on the paternal grandfather side. It's a sad fact, but inevitable. So just hand the banquet planning to them and let them have fun. YOU, on the other hand, just focus on the parts of the wedding planning you like best.

3) Sticky mil is quite unfortunate, but since you already chose to marry your husband, you have to accept her as part of the package. The most important thing is for your hb to manage his mother. If he knows how to manage his mother properly, you probably shouldn't be too upset over the fact that your mil wants to spend more time with her son.

Above all, don't be too hung up over what people think about your family and please don't think of your family as broken, because it will only breed negativity in your mind. Good luck. :)