So messed up

[reddyredlee]

I got to know this friend through some functions. We hit off pretty well and pretty soon we were talking on phone and chatting everyday. He was very nice to me and he kept showing concern.
More importantly, he was there for me at my darkest moments and he encouraged me to pick myself up. I really appreciated it very much.

At first, I saw him as a brother but over the months, the lines had been blurred. Because he had been doing alot of things for me which I am not sure is purely out of concern as a friend or ?

So what's the problem? The problem is I am married but still have not undergone customary. As for him, he is a divorcee.

When he knew me, he was aware of my status as I had been upfront about it. Also, why I continue to talk to him was because I know he was dating non committally. So I saw no harm in maintaining the friendship.

The friendship started out pretty ok but soon it progress to going out on dates. I know it is wrong but I still went out with him because I was very down. But soon, we were acting like we are bf-gf. All these happened, without the knowledge of hubby.

My hubby and me, we had been quarrelling on quite a number of issues which we did not solve before we ROMed. When I was at my darkest moment, he was not really there for me. He asked me to just svck it up and move on. We also had many quarrels on values and etc. Many a times, when I thought we had resolved the issues, some other stupid things will crop up and we will end up quarreling about it again.

Anyway back to my friend, he recently decided to just cut off contact from me because he said he just want me to focus on my hubby. But on and off, he will come and check on me. If he really want to just cut off contact from me, why even bother to check on me? Why even bother to tell me he still think of me?

I know what I did was wrong. Till now, I am feeling very messed up.

 

[miloice]

There is no right or wrong. What's important is for you to know what you really want and need. IF you cannot figure that out, don't even think about further the relationship with him or to proceed with your customary.

 

[thommy]

Please sit down and sort out all your thoughts first before proceeding with your customary. You already messed up your life, don't mess up others' as well.

 

[chili_padi11]

Hmm... maybe you should ask yourself? - What is yr heart belongs to? Who will u look for when u r sad? Who weights heavier in yr heart?

Let yourself cool down & think thru....

 

[verluv]

I agree with Thomas. Dont mess up others' life just because of your uncertainty.
I have a fren in similar situation as you. Her hubby treated her very very well, and most importantly can take her fiery temper. She was young then and not ready to settle down, always looking out for better guys. But in order to fulfil her fairy tale wedding, her hubby spent a lot of money on the wedding. In the end, after she got married for 3 months, she decided to end the marriage as she told us she has always been quarreling with her hubby and sort of found her "new target". She started comparing and in the end, she divorced....
A few years later, we saw her hubby on the road and he was a totally changed person. No longer the groomed, well presented man. Just a haggard jobless guy who loves to gamble. Of coz there are a lot of details in this saga, but its really due to my fren uncertainty that ruin her ex hubby's future...
Hope you really think hard and know what you want before any decision... it is your choice...

 

[hweebs]

reddy,

You went into a relationship with your 'brother' without realizing. You are contracted to marrying another man. I know you are very messed up right now. But, what do you want? Think about it, give an honest answer, and we will try to help.

 

[reddyredlee]

Thank you for your replies. I know I have pretty messed up my life. I am not sure if this friend of mine is just playing with my feelings or whatsoever. After all, he once had a failed marriage and he gives mixed signals to me sometimes.

Truth to speak, hubby and my friend have similar characteristics. The only difference is I felt really safe and secure when I am with my friend. I know he can provide me the security and that I can lean on him for support when I needed him.

But at one point I do not know whether if dating my friend was just an attempt to seek solace or an escape from my current situation with my hubby.

Yes I am aware that I have to sort out my feelings. I really do not wish to ruin people's life.

Hweebs> What do I want? I really do not know. My issues with Hubby till date have not really been resolved. Although he is making an effort but ultimately, he still thinks he is at no fault.

Anyway, it's always the classic case of the grass is always greener on the other side. I know this friend for a short period of time comparatively to my hubby. I do not really know his "real" him. Likewise I only saw my hubby real him after being in relationship with him for 2-3 years. Plus the fact that my friend is giving me mixed signals. So I really do not know.

 

[verluv]

Glad that you know that the grass is always greener on the other side.
Hopefully you can take your problems with your hubby and your infatuation with your "friend" seperately. These are of 2 different issues...

 

[karvna]

Please work things out with your hubby first. It's unfair to both your hubby and your friend if you have "one leg in two boats" at the same time.

 

[thommy]

since you keep saying your issues with your hubby have not been resolved till date, why not sit down and talk it over until you do?

otherwise no point going over customary and later end up in divorce...its a long and painful process.

As for your other 'friend', if he does not mean what he says, then you DO the cutting of ties completely on your side. Be firm.

 

[miloice]

being this confused and itchy hand... perhaps, no advise can help you... Only the pain of losing them both and screwing up big time will you learn to appreciate. Sometimes, we just need to taste the pain ourselves to wake up.

One thing, why do you even think that issues between couples need to have someone at fault? Mostly, I do not even see it as my partner's fault. She has her own pov and priorities. Learn to work out differences and issues without the need for finding faults.

 

[reddyredlee]

Verge> Yes I'm aware that they are 2 separate issues. Because my issues with my hubby had been there with or without the presence of my friend.

Thomas> we recently had another huge discussion and we nearly call off our customary. Both set of parents were brought in. I brought up those issues and yea his parents also think he was too much and tried to reason with him but he still thinks he is at no fault even though he say he will learn to change. So I'm not too sure if it's considered resolved. Oh in fact, I also tried really my hardest to cut off ties with my friend. I deleted almost all means of communication and I had never initiated any callup or chat ever since I've decided to delete him from my life. Yet however time and time again, he will check on
me and recently been calling me again.
Karvna> it was never my intention to "one leg step 2boats". Anyway, I believe my friend also do not wish to be the 3rd party as well. Nobody wished

Milo> yes I know I am itchy hand. That's why I got stuck in this mess.

 

[infojunkie]

er, u got the wrong guys and they got the wrong woman...

 

[miloice]

Reddy, why bring in the parents to take sides. If its me, that action will totally piss me off. No one is perfect, I will not appreciate my partner bring up our personal issues up like this. It lack basic respect here. Handle your conflicts with more respect for the both of u. If it doesn't work, u need to seriously consider your marriage.

 

[powder]

Reddy, the man u're marrying, is obviously not the man u wanna marry... u just think u wanna marry him.

 

[karvna]

Reddy, nobody in the right mind will want to be two-timing or be a third partner, but can you and him control your feelings? Human beings are pretty good at deceiving oneself. Can you dare say that you see him only as a friend and vice versa when both of you are together? If you are 100 percent sure you want to be with your husband, then make a clear cut with him. It's only fair to all the parties concerned.

 

[reddyredlee]

Milo> I did not wish to involve the parents but it got to a point whereby it got abit serious.it's only when we said we want to call off and that's when they know about our situation. If not actually both set of parents do not know abt it.

Karvna> I'm trying my best to cut off all ties also.

 

[miloice]

this is not a bit serious. It is dead serious. Its your happiness your marriage. WAKE UP.

What's changed since? nothing, just the folks getting involved trying to think for you guys and you actually give in?

Marriage is not a miracle to happiness. Your guys are fighting and unable to see eye to eye even now. What make you think you guys can last a lifetime this way happily?

Is your life and happiness worth nothing? If yes, please go ahead. You have my blessings. But please be completely aware of the consequences of your decision.

 

[scope_guy]

Attractive case... wanted to say something...
But expectedly, it's going the wrong way. LOL~

Reddy Lee,

How are you to cut something you continuously produce? LOL~ Self-denial...

 

[reddyredlee]

Yes I am aware it takes 2 to tango. In the first place, if I had not gone out with my friend or just learn how to say no to those dates, perhaps I would not be stuck in such an emotional mess.

I am really perturbed by it. In fact I have been losing sleep over this. Well I know I asked for it. I know my hubby do not deserve it and I am really guilty for it. I did consider giving up this marriage because of what had happened as I know I do not deserve him. Because up till now, I am still thinking of my friend.

Ges> I know my heart belong to who and who I will look for when I am sad.

Powder> Maybe you are right.

Milo> I lacked the courage to really call off the wedding. At our last fight whereby we wanted to call off, he was so upset and he said he want to work things out with me. And I wavered. And I don't want to tell him I am leaving him because of the mess that I had gotten into.

Likewise, I also lacked the firmness to totally cut off from my friend. I could have done the extreme but on the other hand, I still want him to know what is happening to me.

I am really very messed up.

 

[miloice]

u lack the courage to take charge of your own life and happiness. To face the consequences etc. You are in the mess today because of who you are. Period.

There is no excuses for it really. Just you. Lose sleep for what? Does it make a difference? You know it. No such thing as deserve it or not. Its your freaking life you are talking about here.

 

[scope_guy]

Now you are blaming that guy. LOL~
But this misleading could be interesting to observe. LOL~

 

[thommy]

"Oh in fact, I also tried really my hardest to cut off ties with my friend. I deleted almost all means of communication and I had never initiated any callup or chat ever since I've decided to delete him from my life. Yet however time and time again, he will check on
me and recently been calling me again."

your heart is willing but your mind is weak...

trying your hardest ain't good enough, if u are really determined abt cutting off all ties with him, pls ensure u do it till the end and not waver halfway thru it when he starts calling u again.

as a last resort, change ur hp/house numbers if u really mean what u say. dun keep saying u have tried ur best blah blah blah but end of the day, u are still answering his calls hoping for him to show his utmost care and concern for u. U are deceiving urself only.

Be fair to your husband. He didn't do anything to deserve this.

 

[hweebs]

reddy,

Is it possible to take a vacation with your husband to be or something? Like a retreat or something...go there, and in a different mindframe, try to settle your problems, or at least see if the problems can be settled. Do not make it possible for the guy friend to contact you while u are there. With just you and your husband(to be) one to one, u2 will be forced to solve your problems without interference. Best scenario: do not come back unless u2 have a solution.

 

[simpleman]

I find it funny.. people always ask couple to take a vacation together - to get away and viola... everything will be fixed?

If there is underlying problem that is not resolved.. you can take vacation forever.. it is still the same.. And vacation can be extremely stressful if both are not in the same mind-set.

Vacation without the other party is a better solution.. as being apart will force you to focus on the issues and each to think about it.

 

[hweebs]

hey sm,

not to go there and everything will be fixed. It's to GO THERE AND FIX THINGS

 

[hweebs]

nevertheless, a vacation alone may be good for reddy too. It's a different tact solving a different problem.

 

[susanna_low]

Agreed, the mood will be more relaxed and happy, it's a good time for communication.

 

[miloice]

Regardless the mood, the couple has been fighting till a point of wanting to call it off. They made up only after the pressure from the folks. She shouldn't even be thinking about the other guy now. WTF is she doing with her marriage with a man she cannot see eye to eye with? Holiday with husband will help meh? I doubt so. Holiday alone, maybe, time for her to really sort out her thoughts without the distractions.

 

[hweebs]

ehh milo, what's with you recently? Your recent comments full of fire leh. Something frustrating in your life?

i kind of agree with susanna...not happy lah...but maybe have less pressure from society, parents, and temptations. May be more cool and collected, may decide to call it off, otherwise, may patch (if they are able to see the attractive factor in each other again).

 

[susanna_low]

If they both wanted to give the r/s one last chance, she would have to cut off all ties with the other guy.

Spend quality time take a short break and have a good communication with her hb. Well, if all fails, at least they had tried their best.

 

[miloice]

Don't u know? I'm on fire with my WC predictions.

Jokes aside, its not full of fire lah. just direct to the point. She is messing up her life and excusing it that she is not firm enough blah blah blah. It really point back to herself. She needs to wake up. Its still not too late. Why dig further and get even more confused with this guy now? Eventually, she is the one facing the consequences. Can't sleep well is only natural. All the guilt etc, its pointless if she doesn't get a grib on herself and do what is needed. This is pretty serious stuff for her. Its her life.

Often, we like to confuse ourselves with many many reasons and excuses to continue being confused but the facts are actually flat in our faces. That's what I'm doing. Presenting the facts. I know its tough... but its a call she has to make. No one here can make it any easier for her really. You can nicely sayang her, it doesn't change a thing.

 

[simpleman]

I don't know if holiday together can fix such things.. yes, it can be a distraction.. or it could even be worst.

Tell me your personal experience when holiday is able to FIX things..

 

[scope_guy]

Reddy Lee,

I think it's time... The fault is not whether you'd date that guy or what. You have already a marriage problem you instinctively know have bloated up so much that... that guy comes about, in fact... any guy that doesn't seem that bad could be there for you to 'stray'.

There are two main determinants in your situation which only you will be able to decide... which is, what are the 'die-hard' issues you actually have with your husband?

Some issues are not really issues but are a collective indication that he is not the One.

So what you don't date that guy...? It could develop into family violence and if you have kids... you expect your children to be growing up in such 'love and caring' environment?

There is nothing here to fix. You know it.

How can that guy call you and date you for so long and your husband there all the time! Something is definitely more that needs a vacation. LOL~

What is your true story, Reddy?

 

[powder]

NO, a vacation is an escapism act of isolation to make 2 pple Only Know Each Other in a foreign country... thus the fundamental need to clique... i'm just as amazed as SM on this whole vacation thing as a commonly-suggested thingie... along with counselling and stuff... along with all those "remember the past sweet memories" bullshit. if u dun have Purpose, dun know the Purpose, need to intentionally Push the Purpose... then it is not very relevant and natural.

if any of u Actually made an actual application... u will realise that u cannot force your heart to like another person out of some commitment, when your heart is with another... or not even with the person u're abt to marry... it is absolute bull.

i think it's very dangerous for her to even be trying to find any sort of feelings with the guy she's marrying cos it's so fcuking obvious that that marriage won't last becos of love... it just isn't built on the fundamentals that a marriage should be built on.

u guys should learn to make a call on a person's partner and not encourage sticking to whoever they are gonna marry even if they are getting married tomoro. i have no qualms telling a person they are making a mistake 10mins before they go thru the solemnization... these are things u Should Do as a true fren... and not take-up the old-folks mentality of resigning to fate. until the last min, u can still turnaround... and even if u're married, u can still divorce... a mistake is a mistake, life is not abt living with it... it's abt Fulfilment and much more.

a Summer Romance, and a holiday to find back romance... are Two Different things...

 

[simpleman]

Reddy,

I tell you one way to resolve the issue. Tell your hb that you are 'thinking' about this 'friend' and not him.

And let him call off the wedding.. viola.. it is not your fault anymore cos he is the one calling it off. And you don't need to summon any courage to call off the wedding because it will be done by him.

Cool eh?

 

[leibit]

That's what many cowards do. They wait for the other party to initiate. After that, they go around telling people, Hey u see, it's not my fault ok, it's him/her who wants to call it quits!

So much for being a grown up and to be matured about it.

 

[simpleman]

Of course lah, if TS is so courageous she would have called off or postpone the wedding instead of posting here..

 

[hweebs]

alamak! Who say go 'vacation' as in the have fun vacation? I mean like company retreat like tat lar...u think go company retreat is really to have fun meh? It's to go and trash things out! See trash already still want second round or game over. But trash there than here may have more 'hope'...here before trashing already got in law and temptation, sure die.

milo: world cup syndrome ah? Don't just chase soccer, must rest also. I enquire because in most of your posts recently all quite curt and now, fwah, foul language also come in. Since when u got use foul language in the forum b4?

 

[thommy]

got lah hweebs...u need to stay longer to read.

 

[reddyredlee]

thomas, milo, susanna> Yes I will stop making excuses to myself. I will change my contacts.

scope> I am not staying with hubby until after customary.

sm, leitbit> I initiated the call-off but eventually wavered because I still really want to work things out with hubby.

I will be taking a break soon to sort out everything.

 

[scope_guy]

Reddy,

You shouldn't change your contacts... What are you trying to escape from?

But can you tell me, what exactly were the big issues you had with your husband? I am getting curious, and curiousity kills LV bags. LOL~

Face yourself, Reddy... working things out with your hubby will be ok even if you are seeing that guy...

If you try to work things out with your husband ONLY because you keep the other guy/s out of the equation and BELIEVE you have worked things out...

...but that would be fun when the other guy appears again... isn't it?

OK, go work things out and change your contact numbers. LOL~ I'd stay tune.

BTW, my wedding gift to you... before you become old and ugly... Build your relationship based on true love, and don't gamble with mortal workings or gimmicks...

May the folks be with you. LOL~

 

[hweebs]

thomas,

haha, i see...probably predates my time here

reddy,

all the best!

 

[bedokboy]

if i may comment..

Reddy, you will do yourself and your registered hub a lot of good if you decide not to go ahead with both. I say only you and him because your friend's intentions are not proven genuine or false yet.

From an observer's POV, the 3rd party has the least to lose. Encouraging you to work things out with your hub is the prepared get-out clause. Sometimes a get-out clause need not be convenient or fake.

The one who have most to lose are you and your hub. Being kept in the dark, your hub might have a little more to lose than you. Assuming he is as clean as a whistle, can you imagine how devastating it is to a man if the wife he is working so hard to marry is seeing another man? Not to mention you said you and your friend were acting like bf/gf before, ie slept together?

If you are still confused, it clearly shows no matter how hard your registered hub is going to work he is never going to win because the notion of the divorced available friend is always going to haunt you whenever things are not going well with your registered hub. Do you realise how unfair you are to your registered hub?

Don't be selfish. Drop everything.

If you prefer to be logical about it, if you drop everything then the 'friend' will not have a get-out clause anymore. Since you feel 'happier' with him, dropping your registered hub is fair(er) to him too otherwise he'll be working hard for nothing. He may not be able stomach the immediate pain for now but he will be happier later. When you are legally single the friend's intentions should become clearer. If he is genuine, then good. If he is not, also good cos your chances of finding out earlier are higher if you drop registered hub first.

 

[karvna]

@Reddy:

Why not take 4 weeks off and cool down first? You will not be able to think clearly and make a decision when you are so emotional now.

 

[susanna_low]

Reddy. Glad that you've made the decision.
Communication is very impt in a r/s. If you wan to work things out, gotta improve in communication as men are not mind-reader. While views differ, we just lend a listening ear and there's no need to bear grudges or react in a negative manner. There's no right answer.
However like Hwee say. it's good to trash things out but in a good relaxed atmosphere and to do it in a good time. I like "couple time" too
and I do voice out my "dissatisfaction" with my hb during a home chill up session.
We do cleared up lotsa misunderstandings and he got lotsa complaints about me too
Frankly speaking, in my 7yrs of marriage, there's lotsa guys wavered in and out of my life, however none had touched my heart and there's no way to replace my hb as my companion and yes, he's a man of flaws and not some romantic guy fr taiwan/korea series or any rich arab guy but just a simple man of the street.
However I know that he will always be there for no matter rain or shine and if ever I met a mishap or struck a terminal illness, I know he will be there for me and take care of our gal even if im not around.
Do brush up on mutual communication. If not, you will face the same prb too even in another new r/s.

 

[lovingyou]

Reddy: Wonder why but ROM before customary and staying apart might poses such an issue. There was mentions that your HB and you are always arguing, but what is the cause of it? Your feelings might have been blurred by that your friend was the one with you during your down time and not your HB, however, if you realli love someone, this love can't be replaced easily by some circumstances and I believe you do love your HB, that's why you choose to accept his proposal and ROM with him in the first place? Ask yourself, recap your feelings, why are u feeling this way now? Is it that impt to know the intention of your friend if you realli treat him as a friend or you hope that it turn out to be something more than friendship?

Agree with the rest; communication is realli important in maintaining a good r/s... Proper and quality communication and time will allows you and your partner to understand each other more...

Your life is in a mess now as you choose to let it remain this way... And you are feeling confused coz you are influenced by your friend's actions etc... Get a grip of yourself... If you realli have decided to cut all ties with your friend, don't look back anymore... Good luck...

 

[bedokboy]

still think better to drop both.

if she doesn't do it now, I am of the opinion she will never change and will always remain susceptible to external factors.

A strong candidate for a healthy relationship is one who is happy with him/herself first. Finding happiness on your own and then sharing it with another is in my opinion the best way to start a relationship and not perceiving that your happiness lies in/with the someone out there.

Doomed I say.

 

[reddyredlee]

bedokboy> Thanks for your POV. I know it will be devastating for him if he got wind of it. But then again, he is not as clean as a whistle to begin with. Nevertheless, I know it will still be devastating. If I was the one kept in the dark, I too will be devastated. And, although we are acting bf/gf but it did not proceed to the "sleep together" phase.

little woman> It was those little things that build up along the way and of course my many arguments with HB that eventually caused my feelings to waver.

I am really considering to just give up both actually. Because after all, I cannot forgive myself for doing this to my HB.
I will mull about it when I go for that much needed break.

 

[scope_guy]

Ah... Finally some clues... ...

When things are sweet, it's ok... when things ain't sweet, 'he is not clean as a whistle'...

Every woman has an excuse that appeals to their actions. But who are they lying to but themselves?

Truth is... does Reddy truly love anyone at all? LOL~

There is no need to proceed on to sleeping together phase... The main problem is still... Reddy doesn't understand what she is looking for.

When a woman doesn't understand true love and seek a trial of relationship... even trying to break free will be waylaid by confusion.

Reddy, you can give up everything, of which... why have you started everything? LOL~

You don't need to seek forgiveness, if you don't understand true love, if you go on relationship with men in such confused manner, if you don't understand what you are seeking... you'd have alot more men to give up.

It will always be devastating... but it's also devastating for men like myself to see our loves taking up and giving up in a confused manner. If the new guy loves you truly, why'd you give up? If the husband wasn't your true love, why have you taken him up?

LOL~

Bedokboy, do you seriously hence think it is better for her to drop both... when what she could have learned or what could have made her wake up... could be hiding in either or both men?

Yes. She can give up both... but she'd take up someone or someones again in the future, and she'd still be 'devastating'. Then all you have suggested is merely that 'she'd never change'.

It's most important that she... wakes up. It may not be wrong if she meets the new guy, it may not be right if she sticks to the old guy. She must know how to seek love and establish real relationship.

She's just like running away from a problem and expect that to be a solution to me... If she never learns, she'd always risk herself being stuck.