Should I trust or not?

cococherry

New Member
Oh man, paisey...alittle sotong on Monday. It's ILU and ILUT.

like what junki said, u had already 打è‰æƒŠè›‡ã€‚ u can abandon my suggestion.

When u have live with someone for yrs, u will notice the change of habit, the odd action they do when they cheat.

Being frank is a forte but can also backfire u.

Opal,
Chocolatte but.. normally affair got protocols in case anything happen de right?

base on experience, not all men are that intelligent, will set protocol and know how to 抹嘴 after eating.

Setting protocol usually happen when the cheater is a woman.
 


tsunami

New Member
Sadgirl, ur hubby's inability to 'tan xin shi' with u did affect u deeply.. But if u really want to bond with him, something will have to be different. If everything remained the same, how can u expect the current situation to improve? Are u ready to make concrete efforts so things may improve?

Aside to the suggestions given, u seem to be aware of some of the triggering factors that led to the current situation..

'why choose me when he knew i am not that "xi xin",straight...why...'
'...i m not pretty, i m kinda plump...i have bad temper...i give kinda attitude...i m straightforward(makes me talk without thinking)..i have quite a traditional thinking...why he choose me n now complain...please dont expect me to change..is it i have to change since i m a mother of 2...'

Since u do see u have certain undesirable characteristics n traits, instead of taking it as u're being forced to change, why dun u view it as self improvement instead?

We cant expect people to remain exactly the same over time cos people learn and grow. But it is more impt in a marriage to also grow together. Its not just abt figuring out who u are vs who he is but also the impt element of who 'we' are in a marriage.

If a person simply insists on being bad tempered, giving bad attitude and blunt, how can that be good ingredients to a happy marriage? Perhaps you can take this as a chance to look deep within yourself and work on improving urself instead of focusing too much on the other gal.. Ur hubby may even notice the difference and start chatting with u.. Even if things didnt work out btw u and hubby, at least u know u have become a better person rite? And given that u're a mother of 2, íts also a good time to reflect on the kind of example u want to set for ur kids and what u wld like to teach them.. Jia you!!
 

jacq0612

New Member
guys...ya..my friend says i m naive too...i nv got really hurt before...as my hubby is my 1st bf...i take things for granted...

its time for me to be strong...n be postive about myself..i got alot of thing to do...to improve myself..i will jiayou de...

i am not going to dwell in this matter...like u guys said, wait till i have proof...now i dont have any proof..i will keep it to myself...
 

lmat

New Member
i don't want to make u paranoid. but the smses were the start of things for me. but then again, hey, gather enough proof before u jump on his neck. good luck. stay strong for the kids
 

rofthelper

Member
I can tell you sending blank sms is not simple. And only both the sender/recipient know the codes.

Becos I have used it before in the past. For me, If I send a blank sms to that recipient, and got a blank sms in return, it means she's awake/on standby/available to receive calls.

If she sends a blank one initially, means she wants me to call her. The protocol is that the guy can call her, but the woman is the call-waiting party.
 

jacq0612

New Member
Hmm...Rofthelper - guess this is the codes bah..

for the past one week, i have been crying n we have been quarrelled....from two days ago, my hubby...treat me quite well...i m still checking on his phone...but no calls from that woman..nor he call that woman...that woman works at orchard and she is a supervisor. My hubby know her thru his work, n this is how they get to know each other. he told me, he has told his company...he dont wish to in charge of orchard area...(is this to gain back my trust?)

My hubby even told me he told the woman dont call anymore...from there i see the last call from her n no more calls...

On wed(9/3/11) we quarrelled and after that, he hugged me n we talked..he asked me...what i want know...i told him nothing...he asked again...i say nothing..(cuz i m tired) then i asked...i know u r very unsatisfied with me...he say no...he dont have any unhappy with me...

is he doing something to save our relationship?
 

opalstar

New Member
Your lips say u dun want anything.. but ur heart say a different thing. You OBVIOUSLY don't believe in him and you wished you could tied him down in a million way...

Hai, why be together if you don't want to trust? Keep checking his phone? why not go on to email or Msn? and then move on to just tie ur husband at home?? I totally faint le.. My point is, if the people want to communicate, no way u keep checking his phone will work de..

I think no one can say for certain if your husband has been having an affair or just simply having a friend who he get alongs with.. So ur current action basically just drove an affair (if it exist) underground or just cause ur husband to lose a friend due to ur paranoids..

Either way, take it as a lesson and improve yourself. Don't be like now, pay lip services and just do another thing..It is a good thing to learn from experience..
 

infojunkie

Active Member
now u're the 'bad' one cos u 'force' him to 'give up' his 'personal space'...

talk abt mental torture :p

anyway, there r 100 ways to do things and still get the results...

just dun let it bother u and focus on improving urself
happy.gif
 

jacq0612

New Member
Denise - i can feel he is trying....now he told me some of his job matter, i try to listen as well...n give him advice...he told me ytd that he wanted to work in the middle of night for like 2 - 3 hours...then say collect those bins at $1 each...$$$ is attractive. but i told him i m not that comfortable with it..

Opal - ya lor...my lips was saying this, n i m doing tat...LOL...i just wanna know if they r still in touch...because he told me no....ya..this is because i dont trust him...but after a few months, i will go back to normal again...but just randomly looking at his phone with his knowledge...

Frankly, i told him before, if i got the money, i will ask him dont work...stay at home..but who says at home...cant do anything...if really want, anywhere also can...
i know that there is no certain whether is he having affair...but hor....i believe not just friends..not that simple. I know this woman's name is ah qing ngee ann in the phonebook. n she have another phone n my hubby noted it as ah qing. so she got two numbers. Few days back, when he told me no longer keep in touch, i ask can i take a look at your phone. He say ok..he got nothing to hide. U know what i saw. Ah qing number no longer there. And i saw the number is under TAN...Wat the fark...i ask him..n told to him in the nice way..why her name from ah qing change to TAN. He say that woman ask him to change......tell me what this means...i ask him...u think i m idiot or what...i didnt ask for quarrel..but he already frustrated....
but trust me...although like i m behaving like tat...after a few months...i will b normal like past...the last incident also like that..need time to heal..

Junkie - I also agreed with you....he mentioned to me exactly what u have mentioned. I told him yes, u can talk..but why in the middle of the night...n one day can call up to 20 calls...i really...feeling so sad...20 calls on that saturday....i m torturing him, but i really dont wanna be like that, i just cant help it....

now i m doing some little things which i dont really do in the past, like sms him, i love you...call him to find out, have he eaten...asking him what is he doing....at where...when he unhappy abt something n he told me, i will listen...n advise...try my best to advise...these two days, he hug me more than other days...when we walk, he put his hand on my shoulder....are these improvements?
 

opalstar

New Member
"if i got the money, i will ask him dont work...stay at home."
Improvements ? Or over controlling?...

Honestly, I don't think any guy can stand that type of "torture" for long leh...Few months some more ah... .. Er .. okay ba.... So long as 一个愿打,一个愿挨。。

Like Junkie say ba, no point looking back le, just focus on improving urself.. ermm must add.. improving urself doesn't mean over Dosing on controlling him by askign him 10X where are u..

It need to be a change from the heart and willingness to improve ba..
 

infojunkie

Active Member
sadgal,

ur man is not particularly smart, but he's desperate enuff to stretch a bit more of his mind to outwit u. and given ur penchant for high drama and total lack of intelligence, it's really not that difficult for him to do that...

kinda bad to tell u this, but i think ur mind-numbing hysteria sharpens his appetite for something less traumatic... just anything.

saving ur marriage is never the burning issue here...

it's abt saving urself.
 

infojunkie

Active Member
"So long as 一个愿打,一个愿挨。。"

more like å¿â€œè¾±â€è´Ÿâ€œé‡â€ï¼Œè“„“势â€å¾…å‘ :p
 

jacq0612

New Member
Opal...actually i know i over controlled him..but i also dont want to be like that leh...i love him, thats why i like tat...shall i say jealous? or is because i have no confident in myself..that y i like that...? I also dun wanna like that..very tired de leh..LOL..i think these few days, i shall ask him...together with me, is it very "tong ku" or not..

Junkie - i dont understand what u mean....n esp " kinda bad to tell u this, but i think ur mind-numbing hysteria sharpens his appetite for something less traumatic... just anything. " hmm..can u make it abit simple..my english not that power....

my friends told me i m "too strong" for my hubby...i dont know how to "act cute" or "sign nai"....i can do things by myself...they ask me not too be so strong...sometime must act cute abit..or sign nai abit...but i just dont know how...LOL
 

opalstar

New Member
.... you know and dun want to change.. got difference ma?? Love is not equivalent to control. The tighter you hold on to something, the more it will run away..


I "chop" my head off if ur guy tell u being with you is "tong ku".. unless he is spoiling for another fight.. ask for what? irritate people only? You see, this is what i meant about being self aware, you can't even tell if your husband is tong ku or happy or trying to placate you... Everything you also need to ask.. Husband and wife, everything also need to spell out so clearly.. then husband and wife for what?

I think what Junkie is trying to say is that you are SOO DRAMA.. 一哭,二闹,三离婚,,,everything also emotion outburst. .. If I was the guy, i rather go for an opposite.. Maybe something along the line like what Albee say, since there is a "witch" at home, I rather go for the angel outslde..Even if he is not having an affair now, sooner or later, he will still be easily tempted..

It is never about being "act cute" or "too strong" for ur husband. Since he has chosen you knowing you are not the withering flower type, he wouldn't have mind not having a "sai nai" wife..but is okay to show ur weaker side when you are tired ...Aiyah...Tell your colleagues to stop watching so much TV drama.. Not all guys like "act cute girls" and some time it is hard for a guy to be ard such flower girls...

It is about you not having sufficient self awareness and EQ to handle a situation that turns people off..
 

opalstar

New Member
"more like å¿â€œè¾±â€è´Ÿâ€œé‡â€ï¼Œè“„“势â€å¾…å‘ :p"

@ junkie, don't scare her already la... she is already paranoid.. later drama again..
 

jacq0612

New Member
u think it's easy to change...to me not easy to change, but i m trying...n trying to control myself...ya, i did mentioned to myself...love is not control...if really love him, set him free... i m not that...dont know how to say...i really jialat de leh..i dunno how to tell...i cant tell, is he really trying..or trying to placate me only....mayb i dont understand him well....

Is it really drama...? why must say drama...i m just letting my real feelings out...you may say is 一哭,二闹,三离婚...but to me, 一哭, i cry because i cry easily...happy also cry..angry also cry...a little bit i can cry..二闹, i make a scene is i angry n wanted to know the truth from him...although initially i make a scene but later when i found out something i talked to him in tears but in very calm manner...if really go to 三离婚, this mean i decided to set him free...mayb to u pple is drama...to me...is another tong ku.... :j

Haaha..opal...dun worry to scare me la...i m just trying to see all the possible reason for this thing to happen....u all can say me...so that i will take note...and try my best to improve...which need time to change...
 

jacq0612

New Member
after chatting with you guys, i realised my EQ very low leh..too straight le..

Opal...now you make me feel that myself really like a witch sia...LOL..stupid me...
 

opalstar

New Member
Precisely my point, it is not easy to change, but if you are going in with the mindset.."it is difficult" , " I know but I cannot help myself"... You are just setting urself up to NOT to change..

A kid can keep crying when he is hungry, sad or angry.. but u are no longer a kid right ? Must managed ur emotions a bit better, doesn't mean that it is no longer real if you don't burst out crying , demanding answer..

When I see my 10 years old niece crying cos she cannot solve a maths problem, I ask her why .. She say she felt hopeless and guys are always better in math .. I told her two things, 1st it is FALSE that guys are ALWAYS better in maths and I google several female maths people in history.. and second, it is okay to cry, but what matters after crying... She doesn't understand still.. So I ask her, if you keep crying, will the maths qn solve it self... She call me silly auntie.. (-_-!) .. So I ask her further.. then how to solve.. ...Won't bore u with the rest of the conversation.. but now, she got a tutor in maths and she is acing her current terms..

U see, there are different shades of gray. I don't think in marriage is either you control him firmly or u divorce him.. There are varying modes in a marriage..

Far from it that you are a witch in a marriage.. I am just drawing a reference .. that if you over control something, the guy will feel suffocated and want a breather.. Somethings cannot force too hard.

I think you truly want the marriage to work and if so work on your communication and observations skills .
 

opalstar

New Member
and you are not stupid either..

Why u persist in calling yourself names when no one else bestows these names on you?

At most, I can only say you are too direct and could do with a bit more improvement on EQ. Your confidence level is not going to go up unless you start believing in urself..
 

jacq0612

New Member
Opal - Hmm...orh..i see..what i mean is..i needed some time to change...now i m controlling myself dont see his hp...trying arr..LOL...i also didnt ask him abt that woman anymore...(in my heart, still got so many questions sia)...lol.. I also wanted to manage my emotions leh...but how arr...i really cry easily type...u know arr..when i told my friends abt this matter..i controlled my tears not to cry..in the end, i burst out...cry even worse..LOL...i know i not kid..but my tears will auto come out..when i angry or sad...etc...

Now i feel my communication shd be better with him..he tell me his work matters, i listen to him..n tell him mayb he can like that, or like this..i didnt show him any temper for the past few days...even when i feel buai song...i keep to myself...i sms him i love him...which i dont do in the past...hopefully this little things i do...can have some little improvements...little arr..LOL..

my friends also say why i also say negative stuff abt myself...i must feel confident...so to make myself look better...for EQ, i try....cuz dont really know how shd i tackle to this....
 

opalstar

New Member
Self awareness is a good step (^_^) Slowly la.. but try not to have the mindset "I cannot control" cos u CAN control.. just beri hard.. Congrats and celebrate whenever u take a small step.

IF u dun want to cry.. a effective method.. think of something disgusting.. I usually choose the face of my ex manager digging his nose... For u.. something gross like changing the diaper or something la.. then u won't cry le..Cos ur heart/mind will have a sudden switch..

At a basic level, start reading books on EQ, relationship mgmt. but again, book is book, you need to apply knowledge also ..but it will give u basic cues both verbal and visual to look out for in relationship

Ciao~ Heading out to chiong le :D
 

infojunkie

Active Member
"i cry because i cry easily...happy also cry..angry also cry...a little bit i can cry.."

这就是歇斯底里。

而è¦ä¸€è¾ˆå­é¢å¯¹ä¸€ä¸ªæ­‡æ–¯åº•é‡Œçš„女人,真的好累好累。。。

watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9w_7MQqx1jA

为了唱片能å–,故事安排了白玫瑰胜出
但,还是会对红玫瑰念念ä¸å¿˜å§ã€‚。。

因为比起è¦è´¹ç¥žç…§é¡¾å‘µæŠ¤çš„白玫瑰,
对红玫瑰的æ•çŒŽå¿ƒæ€ç›¸å¯¹çš„æ¥è¯´æ›´å¸å¼•äºº
那是男人的天性使然
happy.gif
 

jacq0612

New Member
but hor...one thing i would like to ask...i give him freedom, right? Who give me freedom...or as a wife, i shd stay at home....and only he can go out..all the while, he is the one using after work time or sunday with his friends...i m the one always stay at home....i want to go out too...but he nv give me the chance....
 

opalstar

New Member
U also cute le... You want to go out, negotiate with him la.. Tell us for what LOL.. Of cos tell him ahead of time so that ur schedule dun crash..

Why he didn't give u chance? U got a clock in clock out system at home ah? If u never reach home by six, the siren will go off...

If he cannot get hint type just tell him friday night, meeting friends, ur turn to take care of kids ...
 

susanna_low

New Member
My ex married female colls are think that it's v sinful to have their own time n go out with frds after marriage.
Their life will be go hme look after kids, work..tat's it..even for gatherings, kids will tag alone.
 

jacq0612

New Member
Hey pple....just now, i was together with my hubby...his phone rang...he pick up...n he say hello hello...quite a few times...after that, from far, i heard a woman's voice...i knew was that woman...then my hubby..say he is driving..he is outside...then later he say, "i m with my wife.." after that..he put down...so i ask..who...he says..that woman..then i asked...she look for u? he says dunno la...he also mentioned that woman used other phone to call him...initially was a guy talking..then become that woman....WTH....what is this all about????
 

jacq0612

New Member
my heart very pain....but i have to swallow it....n tell myself not to cry...bear with it...although i tell myself..they got nothing..trust my hubby..what he have told me..BUT my heart is damn pain...sob sob....wanna cry liao la...
sad.gif
 

jacq0612

New Member
Haahaa....i m not predictable la...is a kind of feeling...n it became more confirmed when i saw the way my hubby talked....

hmm.......the smile is not easy...i didnt smile until so xin ku before...
happy.gif
 

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