Should I trust or not?

[jacq0612]

I am a mother of 2 kids. Frankly, got kinda feeling that i wanna leave....but the kids.. haiz....

Today i quarelled with my hubby. There is this woman whom he knew when he worked. I did asked him before that she was a supervisor. Ytd this woman sent him a black sms, and he told me that she sent wrongly. N i didnt ask much. Today, i checked on his phone, i saw they two did chat at 12am, 1am, 2am and 3am....is like 4 or more calls that they have called in the middle of the night. And the last called lasted abt 20mins. I confronted him straight..I used my hubby's hp to sms the woman a black sms...yet she reply me a black sms. What does that means?

He told me there was nothing between them. I dont really trust him as the last time, something happened which made me lost the trust in him. He told me that he chat along well with this woman. I asked...so i am not the one that u can tell me your problems..he say I have attitude when he talked to me. He said that very hard to find someone that he can chat along well with...i asked why must it be a woman while i told my probs to my female colleague....why dont i look for guy...how will he feel...

I know that i am a straight person...if i m unhappy i show my face...but this is the way i behave when he know me...now as if i m the person in wrong...when he asked me something, i unhappy, i say whatever is in my heart. I try to improve as a wife by asking my colleagues how can i b better. But after telling him all this today..it seems like doesnt mean anything to him..all his unhappiness abt my attitude say out loud today. I told him, i not gonna ask him anymore...i m really tired...

What shd i do...what can i do...actually any woman can beat me...as i m not as gentle, as understanding...haiz...really....sadz...

 

[jacq0612]

really need someone to talk to...to advise...really confused n blank mind...

 

[fraiii]

What is black SMS?

 

[opalstar]

Black SMS = Blank SMS?

Actually nothing wrong with husband "tan xin shi" with female.. it could be as it seems.. just that they can connect well and the woman can provide a "lady's perspective" on things? Could be also that part of his problems could be work related which the lady would understand or family related and he just want to "su ku"..

But to call so late into the night is a bit odd.. you only mention the duration of the last call to be 20 mins.. how about the rest?

Really hard to tell without other cues le? Of course, the blank sms could be a signal for ur husband to contact her .. but no info hard to tell..Again, could also be the girl is having problem so your husband provide listening ear.

Has his behavior change lately?

Ermm can I ask.. why are you asking your colleagues about how to be a better wife? Shouldn't it be based on interaction with your husband to understand what he feels?

Different people have different tastes, not all husband/bf want their wife to be a gentle lamb? Not true that any woman can beat you.. after all, you emerge as the winner of the previous round by being the one he married isn't it?

Start to listen more and observe more visual/verbal cues to get a better understanding of the situation.. stay objective and calm..

 

[thebluecape]

I think she meant "blank".
Well...Sadgirl, do you still love him? How is he as a father to your kids? How is his behavior on other days? How does he treat you, after he has found that female confider?

Well, friends can be male or female, and it doesn't mean if anything if he is just chatting to a female friend, although the timings are really weird for usual friends to call each other.
Why not ask him what they were chatting about?

I won't suggest you leaving right now. Don't do it in a fit of anger, think about the kids. Even if eventually you decide something is terribly wrong and u want "OUT", u should leave sensibly, and with dignity. Don't leave a bad memory infront of the kids...

Try to stay positive, try to talk to him again.

 

[jacq0612]

Why isnt he "tan xin shi" with me?

Opal - u have got my question...why that woman or he have to call in the middle of the night. I asked him, he told me that that woman is still working...20 mins is the longest chat that they had. the rest is like 41 secs, 20 secs...blah blah blah.... Frankly, after marriage, me n my hubby dont talk for 20 mins on the phone...Ya...in my mind, the blank sms may have a signal for them to notify each other i m around...but my hubby say is nothing...how can i trust him...when i sms a blank sms and that woman reply blank sms...i told my hubby..if i were to sms a blank sms to someone accidently, i would have reply..sorry...or others...

his behavior didnt change but yesterday he just kept is hp under the pillow...which is rarely do that....for this week..we have been unhappy with one another...

In the past, he did mentioned that i m not that good...so the past fews days, i told my colleagues...and i hope to improve on myself as a wife...asking for opinion..actually my thinking is i dont wanna change, if not, it wouldnt be me...but i just vexed..for him, shd i change a little...Haiz...i really dont know how to keep a man's heart...nerd sia..

i try to control not to ask him abt those calls..but my char just cant satnd it...i wanted to find out the truth...

T - i love him..that y i got so pissed off when i saw that phone..(like i mentioned he did something in the past)i still pray that i dont love him that much so that i wont take that much to heart... he is quite lazy...all the while, after knock off...eat dinner, reach home, i have to bathe the 2 kids..give them milk..make them sleep...he did help out...but minimum..

I just feel kinda of difficult when a couple dont have trust...in their relationship...he himself ruined that 100% trust....yet like putting all the blame on me..

 

[opalstar]

ummm i am not sure how to say this..

but if the "xin shi" is about work or maybe stress abt maybe some family stuff... the wife may not always be the best to talk to? I don't know you personally but perhaps you might have an impulsive/ rash character that sometime ur husband think you jump to conclusion easily so might be difficult to bring up certain "xin shi" with? In addition, the lady might might be more mature or more analytical in giving advice..

Actually girl or not, doesn't matter.. if he "tan xin shi" with guys.. then you okay ?? no different right? both people are adults le, it is hard to control the people he can / cannot speak with..

er.... okay la, so in actual fact only 1 phone call 20 min la.. those less than 1 min are hardly a conversation

Not sure about the past.. but from where I am looking in, it seems that you are the one ruining the trust..

Think about it, you have been peeping into his phone, checking his phone logs AND replying message on his behalf.. Is that trust? No wonder he kept his phone under his pillow...You see.. Just a simple sms and late phone call got you so suspicious to confront and got into a big argument.. What if.. it is work related or what if the girl wanted to tan xin shi with your husband.....

Note that I am not saying that he IS or IS NOT having an affair but simply it is too early to tell. What I can observe from the conversation so far is that you have ruined his trust in you isn't it?

 

[denise80]

sadGirl, while you indeed seemed to have some problems with your hubby, still, you must be glad for one thing and that is, your hubby is someone who tells you how he feels. You should be glad that he's telling you how he feels even though you may feel that this is really unfair somehow for him to confide in another woman and not you. At least, you know what happened, he acknowledged confiding in the woman and told you frankly that he couldn't communicate at that level with you. The bad news is, if you don't find a way to communicate with your hubby soon, I'm afraid you might lose him eventually because it seems to me that they have emotional attachment rather than a physical one. Emotional attachment is the hardest to break off. I'm not saying they are surely an item. For all you may know, they could be just friends like what others had pointed out but again, you certainly do not wish for your hubby to develop deeper emotional ties with another woman.

Could you have been so caught up with work, household chores and taking care of the kids that you seldom had time communicating with him? And also, if you had any chance of communicating with him at all, is it always some kind of arguments over petty matters? I think only you would have the answers.

I'll say it's not too late yet. At the same time, don't be all paranoid in front of him. Keep your cool (yes, whatever's left), try to create more chances to communicate with him...if possible, get your in-laws or whoever could help to look after your kids for an evening or what so that you two could dine alone and chat more often. At this juncture, pls don't push all blame to him. I believe the problem originated from your poor communication and connection with him. So when you communicate with him, don't sound grouchy (not easy I know) and try to work things out.

 

[fraiii]

It's very easy to do fault finding but we must be calm n cool when arguing.. Remember what u love about him n allow him to rem y he proposed in the first place.

 

[jacq0612]

Haha....i dont peep...i can view in front of him...actually in the past, i m not like that...i nv question his wherabouts...i trust him 100%, no issues until i see him play online game...he say i love you to a girl...n the girl called him dear...after that i came to realised he lie to the girl he not married...no gf...when we r registered...the girl still can tell me..what they do in the car....this is why i say he ruined the trust..from then, i have my doubts..i tried my very best..to trust him..but haiz...i just cant help to get suspicious..today, i told him he is the one who ruined it..he himself oso know, i not like that..i nv question him..

if from now, i dont question him anything...is this ok...? I m tired...even if pple called, i dont ask...let it be...like this ok mah?

Denise - i m thinking how can i communicate with him...and hope he tell me everything...of cuz...n my bad points..i m so straight until i need him to tell me straight...i dont know how to guess how he feels, right now...

But you guys' advise really give me some ideas...

 

[denise80]

Sadgirl, no doubt he's at fault too but if you continue to remind him that he'd ruined the relationship, all the more I think it would do further damage to the relationship. Besides, telling him so had not made him feel guilty about it right? So I think it's best you stop making him feel this way.

If you were to speak to him calmly but in a straightforward manner, will he answer your questions accordingly and, in your opinion, truthfully? If yes, pls do so but you must rem to keep your cool and really let him talk and not you dominate the talk.

If he would be evasive and stuff, then I don't think talking openly about this matter will help. Then you probably have to try other ways to improve your communication without talking about this matter.

Which is more possible, Sadgirl?

 

[denise80]

Anyway, Sadgirl, the question is not about whether you should trust him or not. This is something we can't deceive ourselves. If we feel like trusting, we'll naturally do so and vice versa. No one can convince you to trust someone if you don't. But the question is...what can you do and how can you improve the relationship despite the hurt and dilluting trust. Do you feel it's one-way now? As in, do you feel you're the only one trying?

 

[jacq0612]

Wah...Denise...what u says really make sense...
I think we can talk openly...i guess he would prefer me to say it out instead of keeping inside...I try my best to keep my cool...LOL.. if i tell him that i m willing to listen to him..n i hope he tell me his problems..u think by saying like this, is it ok?

Hmm...the second part, i dont really agree leh..i wanted to trust him...but it seems like really hard leh..not so easy..i did tried to trust him..but...like i say not so easy...i oso dunno whether is it one way..or not...how can i know whether he is trying...? Ya..i wanted to find ways to improve our relationship..of cuz i want the best for my family...

 

[denise80]

Sadgirl,

I think half the problem is solved when you said you think both of you could talk openly and that he would prefer for you to say it out instead of keeping within. So all you need to is to talk to him calmly, not to raise your voice, don't use words that suggest you're still blaming him etc. Let him talk to you and even if he said anything you didn't like to hear, just stay cool and slowly communicate with him.

My second part was to tell you that if you don't trust him, there's really no point in forcing yourself to do so because trust takes time to build. Even if you were to force yourself to trust someone, it wouldn't work. It must come from within. So rather than focusing on whether you could trust him again or not, try communicating with him openly, sincerely and calmly first and let other things fall into place naturally.

 

[opalstar]

Ohh so got pattern before...Okay, get your point le, maybe he scared you call the girl up and create a scene or something..

I think sadGIrl, you no need to ask him directly..you ask he also won't say directly.. Observe more both visual and verbal cues which he is telling you straight. Sometime, hard for people to tell things directly but visual and verbal cues seldom lies. Actually,being husband wife so long le, you can probably know when he get upset when you are saying something or doing something he didn't like but didn't' want to say.. common examples like clenching his jaw or fiddling with hand.. My dad's usual cue is when he started flexing his hand and tsking.... that's when I usually intervene and hustle my mom out with random stuff..

I don't think you are the type to remain calm when speaking about such stuff but tend to get emotional in situations, so I will advise against it. It is usually better to gather more facts and then assess it..then you be the one directing the conversations ...

In any relationship, it is hurtful to keep bringing up the past and just slap it in the other persons' face. If you chose to forgive that incident, you really need to stop hurling the incident during arguments.. especially if he has passed a "internal probation" period that you have set within.

 

[jacq0612]

Denise - ya...i know trust takes time to build...it is really painful..to get betray by the one u trust n love...I learn to be calm arr...LOL

Opal - no la..i wont go and look for the girl one...i will look for if i got the facts n evidence...n when this day comes...very straight..our relationship will end... ^^
ya...whenn come to this, i hardly can remain calm especially when it is so sudden...
LOL..i oso dont wish to bring up..but when we come into BIG quarrels, i will just blurt out...i can forgive..but cant forget...haiz...I will try to improve myself...

 

[denise80]

sadgirl, I think if your personality is not the type who can keep quiet when u're unhappy then don't keep quiet about it because you would only 'explode' later on and make things worse.

So you really have to treasure the opportunity you have now to communicate with him. If you begin flaring up like a psycho, chances are you would drive him further away from you, which is what you wouldn't want. Remember that you are not giving in to him by talking to him calmly. You are helping both of you and that is your marriage. You are giving the two of you a chance to make things better.

 

[opalstar]

My view is that you need to be objective and observe better first.. If there is nothing going on, you are just slapping yourself in the face. Then you are actually confirming ur husband view, it IS hard to talk with you cos of ur personality. Especially when you know that you WILL get emotional during the argument and then you are going to start throwing "chen nian wang shi" out again right? So not going to help..except for a momentary release of emotion..

When observing, always be in an unbiased mood,look for stress signals when he is lying, observe the way he speaks and the tone, whispering, going out of room to take calls e.t.c. Draw your conclusion from there. If after all the observations, you have confirm *touch wood* ur suspicions then you go talk to him in ur straightforward manner.

Acting out without consideration will drive the affair under ground if he is really having one or will ruin ur relationship if he is not and the drama will be because of paranoid..

Btw, on the surface, risk not high leh? If he knew u are checking his phone, then there are so many methods to hide if he choose to.. E.g list her number under a guy name, delete sms after reading.. But he so far have not done any of this..

 

[jacq0612]

Denise - ya...i cant keep de...LOL...hmm...i will heed ur advise...

Opal - actually i m easy...if in the first place, he tell me there is this person who he know...they talked n talk abt what...i m ok...really..the best is if i see her before....is just like reporting...so even if later part he got affair, i wont suspect...LOL..but he is hiding here n there...so naturally i will suspect...frankly hor..i did tell myself to get all evidence first..but just cant n i explode..LOL...
Hmm...what u say also correct...he can choose other methods...but he didnt...i got tot of this too..but mayb is just another trick...I think very wild sia..haahaa

 

[opalstar]

Er but u were the one who look at his phone and sms and you are also the one who qn him leh? Got time to report ah? And anyway according to u, he did tell u that the phone call was abt work rite?

Cannot be every time got female call, must report to you.. Very tiring leh..( ^_^!) And sometimes, got some stuff is personal with the friend, also cannot expect him to share rite? Like if you talking w ur jiemei, there are some sisterhood stuff u dun share with ur husband...

You also dun go into singaporean favorite sport.. Jumping to conclusions...

It is a fine line being alert and paranoid.. *breath* and see things objectively, if u dun mind risking a split personality, try talking to urself..


If you know got problem, must actively work on it right? Like ur kids, you will teach them to acknowledge mistakes and work on it.. Sometimes really hard,but trust me, when ur kids are old enough to understand you don't want them learning abt some stuff that they wish they dunno abt, even by accident..

Give u a personal exp, I was abt 6-7 when I remember my parents' own arguments. They started screaming, yelling and hitting.. They hurl words ard such as my mom threw me in the dumpster (u know last time hdb dump area for big stuff?) When I was a baby? And my dad wanted to hook up with a pretty taiwanese lady when my mom was pregnant..when I grew older, they argue in hokkien, thinking again I dun understand, actully how difficult is it to understand when u hear it all e time?

They didn't think I understood fully but I did. I dun think u want ur children to know that ur husband had an online affair too. Use that as ur incentive for controlling the urge to hurl the affair in his face.

 

[infojunkie]

"they two did chat at 12am, 1am, 2am and 3am....is like 4 or more calls that they have called in the middle of the night"

"20 mins is the longest chat that they had. the rest is like 41 secs, 20 secs..."

actually u should be more worried abt the short ones...

dun confront. observe (quietly)... say for a period of 1 mth.

anyway, i think u hv already 打è‰æƒŠè›‡...

 

[susanna_low]

If it happened to me, i will probably go down to his workplace not to create a scene but to get to know his colleagues better.
The situation might not be as what as we think. Likewise, I m v close with my colleagues too be it guy or gals, we msn/sms and go out after work too.
When I asked my hb to fetch me, I always encourage him to come to my ofc and I intro all to him too.

As for him, he get sms/phonecall from female classmates, ex classmates, colleagues whom I will make an effort to know them and even their spouses and join their outings if I could.
Sometimes as late as 12+, he got sms from his female ex-classmate too.

I think even after marriage, having friends of opposite sex is inevitable, just that it's better to understand the fact rather than to jump to conclusions.

 

[infojunkie]

既然已开始怀疑，那就得知é“真相æ‰èƒ½ç¡å¾—安稳。。。

ä¸èƒ½é çŒœæµ‹ï¼Œè¦ç¡®å®šï¼

确定自己没有被蒙在鼓里。。。

因为没事还好，有事你ä¸æƒ³æœ€åŽä¸€ä¸ªçŸ¥é“

还有，手法è¦åšå¾—漂亮--è¦èƒŒåœ°é‡ŒåŽ»åšï¼Œåˆ«è¢«é€®ä¸ªæ­£ç€

当然，若真没事就连æ都ä¸è¦æ。。。

åšäººè¦æ‡‚得“识相â€å˜›

 

[powder]

i think the title should be "should i Believe or not?"....

u dun trust him liao, and trustinig isn't really a conscious decision. u can't have a poll to trust a person...

anyway their phone companies must really like them alot, definitely worthy of further rebates... blank sms is cool! it can mean anything, and it certainly doesn't mean 'i hate u' i'm sure...

 

[jacq0612]

Thanks guys...

Hmm....Opal, my hubby didnt say they talked abt work..he told me they r talking abt xin shi..I know i cant expect pple or my hubby to be like me..so open..frankly, i did talked to my colleagues abt my hubby..this is the only xin shi i have..the rest of the things we talked abt, i will tell my hubby openly..even me n my female colleagues talk abt sex...how they do with their hubbies...i told my hubby. I really dont hide things. As for kids, i know that if we quarrelled in front of them, that is unhealthy. That y when we quarrelled yesterday, i asked my kid to go out of the room n play.

Junkie - Why shd i worry abt the short ones? I also dun wan to 打è‰æƒŠè›‡...but like i say earlier on, i just cant stand and wait, even when i told myself, must wait for evidence...LOL....okok...
*touchwood* if got next time, i will bear with it...and get evidence..LOL

Ting Yi - I know a few colleagues of his. As his job requires to run about, somehow recently he was attached to Ngee Ann for the last whole week. He get to know the supervisor(china lady). How can i get to know her when they r not so-called colleagues...he told me this woman very poor thing..have to come spore to work n her hubby n kids in china..so when we quarrelled ytd, he said, "if i like her, does that mean she will like me"...i reply, how u know she wont...then my hubby said "if she like me, how u know i will like her", i told him how i know u wont...in my heart i thinking, even her hubby at china got affairs, how she will know...so now she at spore, how u know she cannot have affairs...i know this is very bad for me to say for a china lady..but this is the fact...

Powder - ya...very clever using blank sms...ytd nite i told my sisters abt this issue...straightaway, they can say, it amy be some kinda codes...see...the thinking is there...a blank one, u can say anything u want already...right?

All (my heart thinking)- i really hor...haiz...sometimes i just feel i m not good enough for him. He needs a better person, instead of me...then i will ask myself, y married me in the 1st place...shdnt have started...if didnt start, i will remain single and a damn happy person..freedom...my hubby is my 1st boyfriend...n last. my hubby is my 1st sex partner...dunno is it last...i m not pretty, i m kinda plump...i have bad temper...i give kinda attitude...i m straightforward(makes me talk without thinking)..i have quite a traditional thinking...why he choose me n now complain...please dont expect me to change..is it i have to change since i m a mother of 2...

I feel myself really stupid..

 

[opalstar]

Kids out of room doesn't mean they have hearing problems.unless is out e house.. U be surprise what kids remember and don't remember.

Wait for things to cool down ba..

Maybe the china lady crying over her husband? This type of things also not very nice to share w people and yes, including with wife ba..ya la, cannot be everyone so open, most guys like their spaces.. Give their spaces but u need to have in place monitoring controls to tap in when needed (erm is referring to being alert hor, dun install spycam and say Opal teach one hor)

Sounds like is a recent thing that your husband met the lady.. So observe first, nothing then dun make a mole out of haystack..

It is okay to be straightforward but cannot dun think. You no need to hide your thoughts/feelings but think of a proper tone/timing/words to express it..that part you must change to package it a little better..just treat it as setting an example for kids....

U attract more flies with honey not erm.. Whip(?)

Actually could it be more of a case, you have low confidence in urself? Plus e past incident..(Btw, how long was it ago?) Plus too much tv serial dramas, that makes u a little paranoid?

 

[xiao_nu_ren]

Sorry to say this. But a start of an affair, always starts with 2 opposite sex confiding in each other. This connects them emotionally... This emotional feeling will one day be too strong to break.

My husband was also honest with me, that he needed someone to talk to. For he felt he couldnt connect with me anymore. Thus, he turned to speak to her.

It started with lots of phonecalls. 1pm, 1.30pm, 2pm, 3pm... 5pm, 6pm... 9pm then 12 am.

Then with smses... 'Back in Ofi'... 'Call me'

Then, overtime at work.

Then, going out for dinner with friends.

Then, Can I go overseas with my colleagues? I really need to relax....

Trust was there all along... until....

Are you willing to take this risk?

I myself will be vulnerable to change of heart if I ever start to confide in someone else again. My ex boyfriend whom I'd loved with whole of my heart tried to call me and confide with me but I know I will crumble if I ever allow the confiding session to go on. It's too emotionally bounding. Not many ppl could handle that.

Most importantly, he 'BOTHER' to stay awake and speak to her. Something had changed.

 

[xiao_nu_ren]

I used to have the freedom to access to his hp to see all phonecalls and smses.... and I do have that freedom in the beginning when they start to talk.

But... one fine day, he start to hide his phone from me telling me. I broke his trust and he will not allow me to access to his phone anymore.

And the affair began.

 

[miloice]

2 parts to it....
Why isnt he "tan xin shi" with me?

This kind of mentality only drive your partner away. Who want to tan xin shi with someone like this?

Then, her husband frequent late night calls. Its not normal for sure. Fishy but, nothing conclusive.

 

[infojunkie]

come to think it, might not be a bad thing for u to keep ur pandora's box closed and stay blissfully ignorant...

well, gd enuff for most ppl

ok, dun get evidence...

get smart

 

[simpleman]

Why isnt he "tan xin shi" with me?


PRECISELY. TS should be asking herself this question and do some reflection.

Why wouldn't a hb share her most innermost thoughts with the wife?

The answer is pretty clear

 

[jacq0612]

Haahaa..Opal...i understand what u mean...indeed i dont have much confidence with myself...i m not pretty n plump...i dont make up...all the while i m like that..past incident was like 2 - 3 years ago...

hmm...i agree with Chilli Queen. It can always start from a call...and slowly develop feelings...frankly, if he really keep a mistress..i also hope i can find a guy to confide n keep a mister...LOL...a man can do it..a woman can do it too...Actually he didnt wake up to pick up the call...he was outside with his friends at karaoke...then both of them called each other..

Actually my question is simple. Why have to call in the middle of the night. Why when i sms a blank sms, that woman reply a blank one..this already making me suspicious..

Milo - why this kind of metality will drive him away? I know wife may not be the person to confide all...but at least let me know the person..m i asking too much...or i just ignore and let him talk to other woman who he just knew n i dont know. Haiz...

 

[jacq0612]

junkie - ya..now i tell myself...closed case bah...i suspect this n that, i will tired myself only...what's the point...

SM - what is TS? I know i m not that good listener towards my hubby. Now i am trying to improve myself...but at the same time, i wont be asking le.. hmm..in fact ,not all hubby will share the innermost thoughts with wife...even they r so good terms...wife may not be the one...that he wanna share...but it is really sad to hear that the wife is not the one..

(just some tots) Suddenly tot of...if he cant share "xin shi" to pple like me...then dont choose me..choose pple who is more gentle, can listen to him..find the type of pple that he feel can confide...or chat along well with...why choose me when he knew i am not that "xi xin",straight...why...

Haiz...i only can find ways to improve myself bit by bit lor..

 

[sgbabydoll]

TS = Threadstarter

 

[infojunkie]

yes, self-realization is very impt.

and be self-reliant too...

cos u never know what lies ahead

 

[wat_are_dreamz]

Sadgirl: U stated tat u are a mother of 2, so i'm guessing tat u shdnt be v young. Ur post sounds quite sad, so i decided to write smthg to u.

Firstly, u need to learn to love urself. It is a fact tat men like pretty gals w sexy figures. BUT tat is for viewing n for magazines. Men may look at some celeb or young gal on the street or gal w big boobs in bikini at the beach, but wife is for a lifetime. Ur wife is someone u can depend on, u walk thro thick n thin with, who will share ur sorrows n joys, who will make u smile after a bad day at work. When men choose a wife, it is not about the looks anymore. Looks are just for lust n admiring.

We all have our merits n flaws. U have stated a number of ur flaws - ur attitude, ur temper etc. Its good to acknowledge ur flaws. Then u can take steps to improve urself. For ur merits, u didnt mention but take some time to quietly think about it. Maybe u are a neat person. Maybe u are kind to animals, ur frens n family. Maybe u have a good memory. Maybe u are a devoted mother. Take pride in urself.

Milo n SM mentioned tat ur mentality of 'why isnt he tan xin shi with me' will drive ur hubby away. Tats cos u are too uptight in urself. A man will only feel relaxed n comfortable to share his xin shi with his wife when he feels tat there is no judgement n tat his wife is not the overly-sensitive type of person who will think too much about wat he says.

A marriage is a journey for a lifetime. It is not a full stop - i am likdat, u are likdat, ok we accept, we get married n we forever dun change our behaviour. Over time, things change. The dynamics of ur marriage will also change. Esp for couples with chldn, it is impt not to neglect the marriage. Cos u are first n foremost someone's husband or wife, b4 being someone's mother or father. If u feel tat it will be healthy for ur marriage to be more gentle, trusting n understanding towards ur hubby, then go ahead n take steps to change ur behaviour abit for the betterment of ur marriage. Once a month, go out with ur hubby alone for a nice dinner n movie etc. Strengthen ur marriage n no1 will be able to step in cos ur hearts are filled with each other. Think about it. =>

 

[miloice]

Chances are, there is something going on between the 2 of them.

But, can you really stop them with your speculation? no.

If you intend to gather evidence, get a PI. But, you should be ready to handle the truth and know what to do next.

When there is a 3rd party, its hard to just come with a conclusion on who is at fault. Reflect. Everyone isn't perfect and its good to understand ourselves better and improve regardless the outcome of your marriage.

 

[cococherry]

if they are really having an affair, its just a matter of time that their affair will be expose. maybe u can test her by sending her a sms tonight: LLU, see if she replys LLUT or something mushy. if she replys with a qestionmark and u can tell her u send the msg wrongly.

Straightforward and low eq are too diff thing
e.g: if yr husb bought u an ugly dress, will u tell him directly: this dress is ugly? If this is what u meant by straightforward, i think its abit low eq.

 

[miloice]

I would think her husband is smart enough and set the protocol to only send blank sms between the 2.

 

[opalstar]

er Chocolatte but.. normally affair got protocols in case anything happen de right? You sent wrong signal also set off alarm bell?

Let's say, assume there is nothing.. the sms will only trigger another fight rite? the Husband will ask why u do such things etc.. and the husband WILL have a right to be angry.. How can the wife just anyhow smsed people from his phone.. ? Between husband and wife also got privacy, not to mention, he also have to end up explaining to other lady why.. = lose face.

IF really got something, wrong protocol raised = set off alarm, the other person will just dun reply..? then cover tracks deeper.. next time the affair surface will be the TOW (if she exist) is pregnant..

So...以ä¸å˜åº”万å˜ã€‚。apologise if need to...smile, pretend everything okay, observe to see pattern den test if you think you know the protocol set..

 

[sgbabydoll]

What is LLU and LLUT?

 

[opalstar]

LLU = love love u?
LLUT= love love u too?

Haha hazarding a guess

 

[miloice]

my guess... something like
Love Love you
Love Love you too ???

lolz.

 

[jacq0612]

Evon - thanks....i m 28 this year...considered old mah? haahaa...hmm...ya lor...i just started to love myself...but in my heart, somehow...still feel a little inferior...

Chocolatte - I will really say the dress is ugly..but no surprise among us...we will tell each other what we want for like birthday or other events...we dont wanna waste $ so will ask like..what u like...or what u want.

Milo, Opal, Chocolatte - When i see you guys saying about the sms protocols...dont know why i feel so scare....haiz...it just like telling me they got something, really going on...

Opal, what is TOW?

Guys, i guess i shdnt think so much and carry on my life as normal....i want to improve myself, hopefully...no one can step into our relationship....if they really got something, sure one day it will surface out....

 

[miloice]

opal, same guess. lolz.

 

[miloice]

sadGirl, being scared, worried etc is just an emotion. It does nothing to help the situation. Learn to cope with things as it happens. Shit happens in life. Its how you deal with it that really matters most.

TOW = the other woman.

Improve yourself not for anyone else but yourself. If he wants out, there is nothing u can do to stop also.

 

[miloice]

Its alright to think. Everyone should and need to think for themselves, their future and family etc.

But, if you are thinking but have no intention or plan about it. Then you are just dwelling in negativity and scaring yourself for nothing.

Evon isn't saying you are old. But rather, you sound rather naive for a mother of two.

 

[opalstar]

Lolz Milo! No fair ! Me first *waves hand*

Sadgirl , u must not give in to negative thoughts or frvilous suspicions..

One of my cousins mention this before and it make sense.. He is a guy la..so not sure how woman interprete..

It is actually very tiring for a man to be always suspected to be having a relationhip w someone when there isn't..if for all e effort he had put in trying to built the relationship but the woman dun trust him, he may as well go and have an affair.. Since do also die, dun do also die..

My add on reasoning is that when u suspect someone without proof, u urself is creating a strain in ur marriage and make him more dun want to come home.. Talk to u , u also dun believe.. Tell u , u also dun trust.. Then how? Guy find drinking then meet people to tan xin shi loh.. Then when the guys is in his emptional vulnerability the TOW strikes loh.. So my moral of story, strike only w proof and conviction

 

[miloice]

In the nutshell, there are push and pull factors. Some are within your control and others not. You need to be clear about that. Work on things within your influence and stop dwelling negatively worrying about things beyond your control. You need to learn to let go of your fear over uncertainties in life. Shit happens how well do we cope with it as it comes?

Struggling to control what is NOT within your ability does nothing to help. It only strain the entire relationship and break down whatever communication and trust there is.

 

[infojunkie]

so timid and defenceless...