Hi
He proposed to me recently. Its kind of takes me by surprise and never thought that he will do that.
I still remembered that night when I decided to tell him my past. My heart was pounding very fast and I was in cold sweat, it’s a mix of shame, embarrassment and trepidation. He sensed my uneasiness and asked whether something is bothering me. He also felt something is amiss with me recently. I started by asking him what is his impression about me so far. After hearing what he said, I almost lost my courage to tell him the truth because I would really like to preserve the said impression he had for me.
After a few minutes, I finally gathered enough courage to tell him my past. Before I started, I told him this is not a joke but a very serious matter. My voice was soft and trembling, my head is low but I knew he is quite shock from his expression. I also told him I might have problem conceiving in the future due to this incident. This is very important because he is the only son in the family with an elder sister. There is a complete silence like eternity between us. A lot of things went through my mind then. Is he disappointed? Did he mind my past? I hope and really hope then that he told me its ok and that is the past and he is not bothered by it. But no, he kept quiet. The more he kept quiet the more I felt rejected and shamed. Why can’t he be like a man to try to break the awkward moment, atleast say something to save me from the awkwardness.
Finally, I have to break the awkward moment by asking whether he has nothing to say. There is still silence. I was sad and disappointed at this moment because his silence is killing me. I told him its ok if he cannot accept my past and wish to end our relationship, I would understand because I am prepared for such consequences once I have decided to come clean with him. Still silence. I am very sad, told him I understand and bid farewell with him. He called me when I am about to leave, he told me he is quite confuse now and needed more time. It really hurt me and told him its either you can accept or not, no point forcing yourself with more time. I walked away. I felt so lousy and rejected that night, I cried to sleep. I thought I have prepared myself well mentally for such consequences but the pain is more than you can imagine.
I received his call next day and he apologized for his indecisiveness. He understand it toke great courage for a girl to confess such thing and he repeatedly assure me that he don’t mind my past. He said he love who I am now and would be very sad if our relationship now is affected by the past event. I asked him why cant he give me a straight answer yesterday and said he needed more time. He said he is quite confused then and his brain is not working. I am not sure whether he has accepted it wholeheartedly without doubt or he is just trying to convince himself to accept it now, I guess there is a difference. If he has said the same thing to me last night immediately without any hesitation, I would have believed him wholeheartedly but now there is always a doubt in me. Will he regret later in life or worst to bring this issue up during argument? Although the doctor said I should not have problem having baby again in the future but what if it turn another way, will he blame me? There is a lot of if but no answer….I asked him whether he knew what he is doing and will regret later, he nodded and hold my hands with a smile. I have ever asked him whether he want to know more about my past eg my ex, feeling for my ex now, are we still in contact etc, he said no need but he thanks me for my honesty and admire me for the fact that I decided to keep the baby against all odds. Well, I am not sure why he is not more curious about my past (if its me, I would want to know especially the other woman he once loved) but he never once mention about it after that day. Can a man really forgive, forget and accept such past from the woman he loves? I don’t know, from this forum, I have an impression that man are very particular about such thing and the way he accepted it makes me wonder, he either truly loves me dearly or he is just different from other man. The real test will come when he come face-to-face with my past.
I attended a friends’ Christmas party recently with him and I didn’t expect to meet my ex there. I tried to avoid him and even suggest to my bf to leave the place because I am unwell. Finally, my ex saw me and walked towards us. I froze on the spot and holding his hands very tightly. My ex greeted me but may be I am too nervous, I forgot to reply him. May be my bf felt the awkwardness and stretch out his hand to greet him. I stared at my ex all the while and ready for any nonsense from him but no, both men exchanged a few words and parted. Only when my bf asked me to relax that I discovered I still holding tightly to his hands. I received a sms from my ex a few minutes later, “I am leaving n wish you well.†I don’t quite understand the message but I never see him the whole of that night. I guess I would have also left early if my ex is there the whole night. That night, after the party, we were walking along the riverside, both of us are very quiet. I finally said, “Do you know he is there?†He nodded. “You know who I am referring to?†I asked. He said he knew that guy must be someone special to me from my reaction. Its here that he told me I should truly let go of my past and not let it affect my life anymore. Although I have been honest with him about my past but he felt that I have yet to come to term with it. He felt that I still have doubt in him to accept it and are ever concern about his reaction to this issue. He told me to have faith in him and he will love me always. That is when he propose to me.
I am very sorry for the long and messy post, I just write what comes to my mind.
Happy 2013 and God bless.
Joey
