Should I stay or leave??

jant676

New Member
Hi all, this has been bothering me for a year. To cut the story short, We are very much in love when we get married (about 5 years ago, we are together for about 11 yrs now). He was very lovely till about 2-3 years back. There was a change in his character. Last year, he met an old gal fren who was very much like him (he told me) and they kind of fall in love (she knew he was married)but they decided not to allow it to continue. He confessed to me in Aug 2010. Things are awarkward since then but I was trying very hard to keep it going. Last night he asked me "where are we heading"? and honestly I cant answer. I am not sure too. He says that he was also trying very hard but could not find back that feeling we once had. I agree but I kept quiet. We are not financially dependent on each other. I think it is kind of obvious that I shd leave but why cant I find the courage to say? Any answers?????
 


powder

Active Member
i dun think i can answer that "where are we heading?" question either... and isn't it more of a "wherever i'm headed, i know i want to be headed there with u beside me" thing?

if u look at it for abit, i think the thought would apply for u too... whether u still want him walking beside u... and if u are ok that he is no longer a willing party, at least for this period.
 

infojunkie

Active Member
"I think it is kind of obvious that I shd leave but why cant I find the courage to say?"

usually, it's the fear and apprehension of what lies ahead that's keeping ppl from leaving dead relationships... BUT urs might not be totally dead yet.

well, more like a case of the 7 yr itch.

and u can either stop trying or elevate it to a new level.
 

enxuan

New Member
plan for a getaway trip n revive back e love... marriage sometimes when both r busy tend to look for fresh stuff...
 

jant676

New Member
Found the courage to talk over things. He say fault wirh him not me. Says he find life with me dull, happier with frens. Also he nt sexually attracted to me anymore. I m too independent n strong. He has to b the one to think abt our relationship not me. Went for a trip in dec, thought things better but then he ask me" where we r heading"..... I think i m juz tired trying n trying.
 

enxuan

New Member
ya, sometimes man wants to feel "man" to the woman / wife. He wants to feel that he can give u security n assurance. They doesnt really like us to be independant. i find this true from my previous relationships... They tend to feel useless and wither away from me....

Probably, u have to find way to change or hide ur independency... in order to keep it alive...

i have a fren who always complain to hubby no money and tell him she needs money... and whenever she things she like, she will tend to stand at the shop and look at it for very long... when hubby say u like it ar? she will jus smile st him... Then her hubby will always buy it for her the next special occasion... this is how she "earn" or rather "steal" her husband's love... i dunno how to xplain... but i hope u understand wad i mean...

Man jus wans to be man of their woman... but not all, most do. Some man, like women who r independant... its jus depend on who u marry to...
 

infojunkie

Active Member
i think emotional compatibility is the key to a long-lasting marriage.

couples need to be emotionally connected to each other...

and the rest will follow.

do not restrict urself to playing the role of a 'conventional' wife...

be a soulmate, comrade, and partner in crime to ur spouse.
 

powder

Active Member
quite amazing... seems like the guy is always like a Master, and the women are always servant-roles.

it's sad when wome keep thinking that there's something wrong with them, when it could be entirely the man and his dick.

dun take ownership of blame unnecessarily.
 

jant676

New Member
Dear all, thanks. Its nice to hear from a 3rd pt of view. I guess i m still holding on as i kind of realised that if i let go, its all over. I believe that if i leave, thats the end as he will nt ask me to stay ( i think so). I guess i hav to wait n see. When i hit my saturation pt, who know what will happen?? Anyway, everything happens for a reason. Thanks again.
 

powder

Active Member
i think it's better to leave when u know u're not wanted, than to stay feeling unwanted, or just living on hope that u'd be wanted...

some decisions are necessary in life, and i personally feel that if u're always there, he is unlikely to appreciate u the way u want to be appreciated. it's same for most of us i guess... we dun know how much we miss home until we leave for a long period and no longer possess that security by default. if dad n mum are always beside us, we'd be guilty of taking them for granted ever so often...

i feel that applies in most marriages too... it is only Expected when i come home and my wife is home with the kids... sometimes i think of What If she isn't? and i find myself wondering how i'd ever be able to live life without her... it's not even a case of having another person continue that role, cos it's impossible to replace the person she is n the role she plays.

i think this is precisely the feeling that makes her the one and only where my life is concerned... and this is something that Has To come from the guy. if i dun feel this way, then it would be easy for another lady to gain entry into my life and convince me that she is a better choice than my wife, dun u think?

it is a whole lot more spiritual and soulful than most pple care to realise... the union and connection is either there or it isn't. no amount of revisitng the past and how we fell in love + usual holiday suggestions is gonna create a connection If it was never even present in the past. physical attraction often blinds us to link that to the soul, but after the initial wears out, we realise our mistakes...

perhaps to let him go, would allow him to realise this... and if u are still there to connect with him, then good. if u are not, then it will be a lesson that he has to embrace in his life. we should never be afraid of letting go becos of losing... Life is abt new things, and this can only come if we let our past go...
 

jant676

New Member
Powder, u r the 3 rd person to tell me to leave him. I might, might not.... I dun know yet. Mayb the next time i logon, i m free??? I might b running away from the problem now but who knows, time will numb me when time is right. Its easier that way. Rem to tell ur wife u love her everyday.
 

powder

Active Member
dun feel pressured by my thoughts... we're built differently on certain mechanisms... i just dun keep betting when i'm losing or when there's no chance of winning. i'd rather cut my losses and await for the next opportunity than to sit around and waste my life away...

if i was a piner for my lost relationships, i dun think the rest of my life would come into place... they would have to Stop in order for me to recover. i see no point in that, and experience tells me that whether u're a divorcee, separatee, single mum, widow - u will not be short on new love interests nor Life itself.

Living Happily and Freely is A Choice. it has always been, especially if we're able-bodied and mentally-sound... but ever so often, pple choose to live like 1 Guy is their oxygen, when Guys can be your oxygen... not just 1 guy. they choose to live in the past and re-live that past over and over again.

as much as i can't imagine having anyone else as my wife, the fact is that if my wife leaves... life has to go on for me and my dependents will still be needing me... what good does it do for me to pine and wish and hope? i will just move on... if she leave for another man, i can fight, but to a point when i know she's gonna be happier with another guy... then why try to stop and make TWO pple unhappy when i can just be the unhappy one? if i get past that, i will be happy too and we will have THREE happy pple - me, my wife & her new man... why not? and our kids would not be so screwed mentally to take sides when they can have 2 dads... it's all a matter of how we wanna handle things.

if yours is a losing battle, the best way to fight it, is to accept that his heart is with someone more than yours... i'm sure u wouldn't enjoy him staying in marriage purely out of commitment, nor returning home each nite in regret after spending a wonderful nite with the other lady... how is that gonna even be a mentally assuring state for u to be in?

learning to let go is just abt the most impt skill in this world... it's scary, it's uncertain, but isn't this the very Life we're living? my wife's best words - Life has no guarantees... if u Want guarantees, u Dun Want life.

i hope u find clarity of mind and courage should the inevitable be necessary for u to find back the very reasons u set forth as a young adult looking forward to finding your place in this world... Dun ever be afraid to let go.

nitey...
 

matka

Member
Jan, that sense of betrayal is niggling in you, but I don't think all is lost. Before you finally call it quits, would you consider attending a programme like this? http://www.helpourmarriage.sg/index.html There may be other similar programmes out there.

Things came to a major standstill for my friend's marriage last year. It appeared that they got married for all the "wrong reasons" (whirlwind romance, different ideas, etc) despite having three kids. They fought over money, other men and women, work, values... had cold wars and finally separated. Everyone thought that the relationship was headed towards the big "D". After a long period of silence (nobody really heard from them for a while), they were back together again. Apparently they had gone for counselling, despite a rocky start in that arena. But today the family is all under the same roof again and are stronger than ever.

It is possible that problems already arose even way before your husband met the old girlfriend, as what you mentioned, there was a change in his character 2-3 years ago. But I hope that the two of you'll manage to find the leak to your marriage and plug it. Even if it feels like it's emptied out, you can still fill it up with love again. At least try this avenue before you say adieu. All the best.
 

faith23

New Member
if he want to leave and you keep wanting to hold on to it will cause him wanted to move nearer to that lady. Might not be a bad idea to just let him go for a while to let him finished up that 'special' feeling for her. Is it a good idea of letting him find back the feeling which is lost from the marriage without seeing you daily?? If you still love him giving him that 3 yr of separation to let him think properly is the grace that you can give him.

Take this time to prepare your heart to slowly digest what is happening. I believe no matter how bad the situation is Time is the best healer...Take care
 

nichie

Member
If a guy betrayed me and fall for another girl, told me that the feeling for me is not the same any more after he stop what he had done, told me that he felt bored with me and lastly find me not sexually attracted anymore (a very serious insult to woman)….to me…he never repent and his heart is not with you anymore….its time for you to go while time is still on your side. Yes, some people might get back together again but what make us so sure they felt the same for each other as it is….the seed of mistrust has already been planted…..there is a Chinese saying 破镜难圆。。those believe that things will be the same again are cheating themselves.
 

lhxkel

New Member
Your man has decided to leave the marriage and go on with his ex.
Damn! Is there no sense in people these days to think that marriage can happen and break just like that? Where is the committment which was said on that day?
We seem like a generation that don't mean what we say. When young, we comment to our friends that they are a liar but look, grown up adults are as naive and childish.
His ex should question him how sure he will mean what he is going to say about being committed to their "refound" relationship.

I always know that LOVE is not just some feelings that most people think it is, it is a conscious decision to love someone. A DECISION! A decision entails planning & keeping up with what we have decided.
 

cuclainne

New Member
people change - no one can deny that. when a situation like this happens, it's usually because the relationship is not solid enough to withstand and ride through the rough patches.

truth is, he already lost his feelings for TS which is why he can fall in love with his ex. If he still love his wife, it doesn't matter whether it's the ex or a new girl - he would still choose the wife.
 

infojunkie

Active Member
if it is a conscious decision, then it's not love, it's duty.

anyway, love is the most overrated emotion.

and there r fools going one big rd in search of the one they 'truly' love...

only to realise that the best love is "hving someone who loves u"
happy.gif
 

cuclainne

New Member
junkie, my mother used to tell me - it's always better to have someone who loves you more than you love them .. i'm inclined to believe she is telling the truth
happy.gif
 

jant676

New Member
Dear all, thanks. I know my situation is not that bad yet. Maybe it is not to the D stage yet. Though I agree with what some of you mention (he stay because it is a comittement), i believe that time will tell. Who knows what will happen tomorrow. I read about a lady who was so numb with her hubby that I feel cold for her. Definitely I would not hit that stage. Slowly but steadly, I might just break free..... Powder is right, we have the right to decide how I want to feel.... Just that for the time being, I do not want to think anymore.... just focused on my work first. Its just that (junkie and cuclainne) he used to love me more than I love him but pple change for whatever reason.

Dear Vinydoo,it seems that he is not with the girl now as she is also preparing to get married! She choose him initally (or so call love him then) as she was having problems with her own bf. The irony of things....
 

infojunkie

Active Member
"he used to love me more than I love him but pple change for whatever reason"

pls dun assign all the blame to him.

just becos u're clueless doesn't mean u're blameless.
 

pantieileen

New Member
So your husband was the backup for the girl.
And you are backup for your husband?
Sorry but this sounds like some Korean drama, so who's backup for the girl?
And who's your backup?

Since the girl is getting married, you are trying to see if you trash your story, she might chance upon this forum and read it?

Reverse psychology?
 

pantieileen

New Member
Sorry i'm not trying to pour cold water on your RS but i always tell my mother, if there's no love in your relationship with my dad then please for god's sake divorce and both of them can be happy.

I guess you have no kids yet?

But speaking from a old kid's point of view, its kinda unhealthy when they are growing up. Its like stepping on landmines daily.

Also, from a wife's perspective, its even more unhealthy knowing that he has cheated, he will cheat again. Then again, if you are willing to let go of all this then i guess stay put. I've cheated, he has cheated so it was a draw but after xx years we are still together. Circumstances change and so do well.

End of the day, both of you need to change yourselves if not then time to bide goodbye.
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
"my mother used to tell me - it's always better to have someone who loves you more than you love them .. i'm inclined to believe she is telling the truth"

This theory contradicts the people-and-love-can-change-over-time theory. Since people and love can change, then the party who loves his/her partner/spouse more could one day stop loving and leave. That is why many people are caught by surprise and remain clueless why their spouse or partner walk out. They probably take it for granted that, since the spouse or partner loves him/her more, he/she will stick it out no matter what. Hey, but people and love can change!
 

nichie

Member
People and love can change – so there is no such thing as everlasting love and at some point, love will become a responsibilities and duties to your spouse, children and family. I have know couples married for many years but there are no more sparks or love in between, life is as blend as plain water, no more holding hands, small talks, sharing of feeling etc, they stayed together just for the children/family. Imagine, living in such condition till the day you die, its very sad. When love is lost and we found new one, shall one stay or leave?
 

cuclainne

New Member
doll, but if you don't love them as much from the beginning, then for some people it doesn't matter when the relationship fail .. no love lost from their perspective ..
 

simpleman

Active Member
I don't love can be classified so easily - that it will change and will become a responsibility. And judging who loves who, is it important. Love is changing and do we even know how much we love or being loved?

My philosophy is - while you are at it enjoy it. When it is gone and your find it tiresome - move on. The lack of spark may not be a big issue. When two people are together and no big sparks it does not mean it is bland and meaningless. Or it is damn great when you are holding hands and trading kisses every morning, day & night.

Romantic love is over-rated. To live with another person, it takes more than love. The habits, goals and thoughts are important too. Being comfortable with one another is extremely important. Most of all, being happy is a key indicator. If both are happy in the relationship - who cares who is loving who more..
 

matka

Member
Love doesn't fade. Romance does.

Love is a decision. Romance is a feeling.





There is a difference.

If someone says "I do not love you anymore", it's either that this person has confused romance with love, or he/she has decided to stop loving you. It all depends on whether this person really knows what love is.

Love evolves, but it is not necessarily a bad thing. Relationships and commitments take effort to maintain.
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
Cuc, since love and people can change, even if you may not love your spouse as much as he does you in the beginning, you may well become the one to love him so much more later. There is a chance, isn't it? Therefore, the person who loves more may lose his or her love first. We won't know, so why think so much who loves who more or less?

My own theory is - I don't look at who loves who more as long as two persons truly love each other. I never did. What is more important in a long-term committed relationship is that there is compatibility and connection. I look for those.
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
Outcast, specifically for myself I don't look for everlasting love in the first place. I will give time to see if the relationship would grow in a positive direction, and if it does for a certain period I will know that this relationship will always have room to grow. Better things will happen as a result.

So if a relationship doesn't work anymore I'll probably be the first one to walk out.
 

nichie

Member
When it is gone and you find it tiresome - move on—so you think we should move on when love is lost but how we know when love is lost? When we felt that there is no more excitement seeing each other? When we don’t share out thoughts? When we felt life is boring and routine? When we longed for love? I don’t know…I am a not a believer of everlasting love but I was wondering how ones sustain a relationship for decades without love, will my life become like the couples or my colleagues who have married for many years, boring, routine and dull, if its not responsibilities then? May be some stay because they would prefer status quo and don’t want any upheaval in their life, they are so used to their life that they lost the will and abilities to breakout of their situation. How can we sustain our love for a person?

Love is a decision and does not fade? Can love be a decision? All along I though love is a feeling due to a confluence of many factors, can we really decide we want to love a person? Decision comes with commitment and responsibilities, is love a conscious effort that we take and not some subconscious affection we have for somebody initially? Since love is a decision, we can also decided not to love anymore, so love will not fade but can be ended? Can love really able to function in such business like process? I thought love is much more than that.
 

matka

Member
Outcast,

Love IS a conscious effort. It develops from feelings, like romance. Then you make the decision from your will. It is your choice to love a person or not, esp in the case of marriage. But love in a marriage is a journey and will always continue to develop. It is a growth process, but not always in the romantic form. But just because it has evolved from romance, doesn't mean that love no longer exists.
 

simpleman

Active Member
Love is of course much complex or simpler - depending on how you look at it.

I don't call it just feeling or decision. It is both - in varying degrees at different points in your lives.

When it first started, the feeling is intense. You don't really decide to fall in love. You just fall into it. Then gradually, it has more decision-making process.. you decide to spend more time or your life with this person you love.. and then to get married.

Then you continue to love and decide to stick with it. One has an affect on the other.

I can't tell you when is the right time to walk out of a relationship. You can to consider many factors - but most of all - for me, happiness (for both) - the sum total of happiness. If there is no longer happiness, then to me - it is time to move on.

Boring and dull - it really depends on the perspective. You can be both sitting watching TVs without exchanging glances or talking.. but at times, the presence of each other is enough. You don't have to hold hands nor snuggle up to one another (although at times it would be wonderful) and yet, you can be happy in his/her presence even doing boring things.
 

lhxkel

New Member
Hmm.. your husband and his ex don't see that marriage is an important milestone at all. He is in a marraige and she is planning to marry SOMEONE else & they are toying with each other feelings... Goodness Gracious! Good luck to them. Soon your husband will be lonely man! Two women also don't want him!
 

magiwaffle

New Member
I dun think a guy will fall in love with someonelse if he still loves you.
sad.gif
I think it's better for you to leave rather than torturing yourself. It's just my advice. The decision is still yours.
 

wat_are_dreamz

New Member
Powder: Just read ur post again where u stated ur wife's best words: life has no guarantees... if u want guarantees, u dun want life. Tats real cool. Smthg tat is so real n simple. Kudos to her.
 

powder

Active Member
those are pretty good words to carry us in life... especially in psyching myself prior to taking on the unknowns...
 
when 2 people together too long will get bored.

when 2 rich people together too long will get extremely bored.

they think of having new partner. different stage of life, different people, different love, different ideas, different acceptance, different concept, different personally. lots of different.

Where are we heading? got children? u and him never mate up often? the lady who he is with now might be the one that is good to him and he is happy about it.

that's why in ancient china guys are allow to marry many woman, as long as they have the financial ability.

Well he can't have both of u with him, so he got to pick one, he is picking so he is asking. New or Old.

Old = familiar with it.

New = excitment ahead.
 

60secs

Member
笨男人+笨女人=结婚;笨男人+èªæ˜Žå¥³äºº=离婚;èªæ˜Žç”·äºº+笨女人=婚外情
 

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