Should I ROM???

[hweebs]

I agree that your child's mum seems to have illusions that you still love her bcoz
1) you dissuade her from abortion because it will affect her future life

2) you are thinking of marrying her for the sake of the child

BUT DO YOU STILL LOVE HER? You don't! It seems really like you are TRYING to be a good person, responsible adult, etc, and you are trying to be NICE.

She doesn't need you to be nice, so don't give her the impression that you still love her...this lie is absolutely painful and most likely will come back to you ("I gave birth to the child for your sake...") Let her know that you no longer love her, and it is her decision of how she will like to live her life.

 

[flyingstar]

i think what the TS is doing is just the "RIGHT" thing at this moment.

but the RIGHT thing at this moment may still be wrong in the future. so what for.

a child will not be happy to be born into such a "family". better to go for abortion or adoption. in the end, it's the future generation that will suffer.

 

[charq]

Updates:

The counsellor justed that we get married.
Reason being at least we give it a try and if it fails, at least we can give the baby an explanation when he grows up.

Without even trying, we dont even have the POSSIBILITY of making it work. Of coz, the trying part will have to be the best shot, nt any half-hearted attempted.

This will be more of my responsibility as mentioned the reason for not marrying is stated at the start of the topic.

So which me luck and I'll do my best for the baby, myself and my wife-to-be.

Thanks everyone for your valuable feedbacks and concerns!

 

[infojunkie]

what do u expect a marriage counselor to say?

anyway, do it if u think it's workable. afterall, not every successful marriage is based on love... u need other factors to make it work too. get that straight with her from the start so she will know what to expect...

i wish u luck.

 

[charq]

Actually when we went for the counselling, i've the expectation that he would be skewing towards having the mindset of going ahead of the marriage.

But to our surprise, he's actually quite neutral about the whole thing. He went through the consequences of going ahead with or w/o the marriage and wanted us to give it a thought as to which is a happier option out of the 2.

Its quite obvious as getting married AT LEAST gives us the opportunity to work it out. w/o it, there's totally no chance of working it out. And of coz in order nt to have added pressure into the marriage, he advised that there's always a backdoor(divorce), no doubt its going to get complicated when the time comes. But at least both of us have given it the BEST shot.

BEST is subjective and i'm sure my wife-to-be is going to put in her greatest effort. As for me, I too am going to give it my all, otherwise there's no point in getting married.

Another thing, my gf's concern of nt getting married includes having no status for our baby and herself. She feels that its much more a negative social stigma of being a an unwed-with-child lady than a divorcee with a child. That being said, I respect her opinion as well. This aspect also PART OF the contributing factor of us walking into the ROM.

 

[infojunkie]

it does make sense for a marriage counselor to be neutral... not that we didn't know

wish u luck again...

 

[flyingstar]

well, you said it. you both need to give it your best shot.

so now no more thinking that you are going through motion for the marriage, thinking that you cannot stay faithful to her...blah blah.

best shot mean you will do everything to be the best husband/father you can be, and more.

best of luck to you!

 

[robo]

i respect u for making that decision.

as a man also i feel that u've made this decision.

if fail at least u 2 know u have at least tried.

gd luck mate!

 

[sgbabydoll]

If you couldn't make a relationship work, what do you know how to make a marriage work?

 

[miloice]

Remember that giving it a best shot isn't a one day or spur of moment thing. It is a lifetime through ups and downs. You must give your best even when you are down and out.

So, do be very clear of what you are in for.

 

[giantemu]

charq, the decision ultimately is up to you and your partner. You have stated already that you won't last long if you marry her - how to try when you are already half-hearted?

Do know that you have more problems in your marriage life- there are things that are unexpcted and there are challenges that you need both of u working together to overcome.

Not that i am pouring cold water, but I feel, if you already know you cannot make it (in the marriage i mean), don't even do it. Sure, you can get a divorce, divorce is messy, emotional damaging and also financially damaging. You spend money to get married, and spend more money to get divorced. Ok, I am being very frank here but hey, thats a fact.

I am not disputing the marriage counsellor - you already know you don't love her, you are going to marry her because you feel you owe her this obligation by virtue that you made her pregnant. Ok, yes, morally you have to be responsible.


if getting married is being 100% responsible, you are guilty of being irresponsible if you marry her because, your heart is not in it. Rather, you can still be 70 -80% responsible by playing a father role to the child if she keeps the baby. Then, the objective is to ensure the child grow up in a proper environment with the necc fatherly role that you will play (until further notice)

Meanwhile, she is free and happy to lead her life, or seek another loving man, which if in the best scenerio, loves the child like his own also.

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi Charge,

I voted to get married.

Give yourself a chance and see if things will work.

Although you say you don't love her now, who can guarantee that you wouldn't fall in love with her in the future?

You will never know unless you try.
But no half-hearted actions please! You have got to give 100% your best in this marriage.

However, if after 25 yrs, it doesn't work, then maybe consider divorce. At least you tried and your child is financially independent by then.

Your child will be so touched that you have given him a precious gift of a completed family during his growing-up years.

If you have time, please watch the movie " The Age of Innocence".

You will understand what I mean after watching the movie. I cried a lot after the movie ended.

The main actor sacrificed his true love to give his family a chance of happiness.

 

[infojunkie]

yeah, daniel day-lewis gave up michelle pfeiffer only to find himself staring at her windows yrs later after the death of his wife winona ryder... he even gave up the last chance to meet her

 

[infojunkie]

but then 25 years too long liao lah, cant we be more realistic?

2 years is gd enough to know the truth

 

[miloice]

Hi Albee, I know u meant well but this isn't some reality program where viewers call in to vote. What is more important is TS and his gf clearly understand and knows what they are in for and have the determination and commitment to see through it. Not flip flop like rotti prata. Its pruely their call.

We just give the options, no need to vote for them to do anything. Some things, one don't need 25 yrs to realize. One must realize giving the BEST isn't always all its needed to get things the way we want. One has to realistically look at the situation and make the call. There is no perfect solutions.

 

[infojunkie]

btw albee, u think "The Age of Innocence" is like korean dramas har? i feel so sorry for martin scorsese

 

[hweebs]

charq,

in the choice you have made, please always remember that marriage is a commitment, and it takes supporting, tolerating, caring for each other and NOT EASILY GIVING UP to sustain. All the best to you!

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi junkie,

You saw the movie. Not many guys like this kind of movie, it's quite thought-provoking but I love it very much.

 

[infojunkie]

u talkin' to me?

i think scorsese's best wk is "taxi driver" hehe...

bobby deniro in the title role, one of his best performances: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4e9CkhBb18E

 

[mushigen]

yeah, when the girl gets pregnant, she is absolved of all blame and responsibility. It's always the guy who is wrong. I mean, unless she was raped or she did not know having unprotected sex would get her pregnant, she has to bear some responsibility.

It takes two to make a baby.

 

[moistfaucet]

Charge,

What is your personal choices ?

you keep listening others opinions, so what is your choices in the beginning ? don't tell me you don't know what you want ?

if you tell me you don't know what you want, i think you better don't involve with this matter.

better be as evil as it gets, than have a cancer in your life.

 

[milk_powder]

no u shouldn't, if u should ask.