Should I or should I know?

[abilee]

I have come across a married guy who pretended to be single when I first knew him. He acted as if he was keen on me and pursued me. After some time, I chanced upon photos of his wife and son together with him on certain website. When I confronted him, he started to say he was separated from his wife.

Do you think I should confront his wife since I know how to get in touch with her via the website? My main purpose of wanting to confront his wife is to verify if they are indeed separated or he is still lying all the way.

 

[whereto]

Whether you are serious abt him or not, but to ask his wife the truth is good too, as maybe his wife didnt know what he has been doing outside.
If indeed seperated, no point his ex wife want to lie abt things like this, maybe you might even learnt more abt this man from the ex-wife.

 

[blingbride]

I think firstly, this man should have been truthful to you bout his failed marriage right from the start. He could have been lying for all you know. Anyway, if you are a person he's sincerely pursuing after, you ought to know it and be given the choice of if you still want to accept him or not. I have come across men who did the same thing to me before, despite having a loving wife and kid, lie that they were divorced, not living together, acting pitiful, I got a great shock upon learning the truth. It's sick how some men can lie their way through just to get some cheap thrill outside their marriage.

I would clearly stay away from such men if I were you. You mentioned he was just wooing you, if you have not fallen for him, i would suggest save yourself alot of trouble and pain in the future, back off and open out to better men out there.

About telling the wife portion, in my case, luckily I had not fallen for him but I could not tolerate the irritation of him lying to me so broke it to the wife, also so that she could be aware of his cheating stints, yet, she could just say he had always been like this, Im not the first one telling her so and she doesnt mind so long as he comes back to her. I was like, WTF!

Anyway, forget bout those losers, back to your case, glad you found out earlier.. move far away from him. If he was truthful after all, he should have revealed it to you way before you found out yourself. If you never happened to chance upon that website, how long was he thinking of keeping it from you? Risky one you are with here.. Beware, take care..

 

[abilee]

As mentioned, the main reason I wanted to check out with his wife is to confirm if he is still lying about his marital status. Do find him sneaky and that's why I thought of confirming with his wife especially after coming across those photos.

If he's indeed lying and knows that I have checked with his wife, he might get angry with me for exposing his lies and flirtatious ways to his wife. I know there are some married men who lie about their marital status. What's their motives? To get sympathy?

 

[miloice]

if he is serious about u, then settle his divorce before coming back for you.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Why is his marital status of significance to you that you have to go out of your way to get to the bottom of the truth? Surely it's not just because he has shown interest in you, right?

 

[abilee]

It's a case of integrity. How to have a relationship with someone who has not been honest in the first place?

When I first chanced upon those pics, I was a bit disappointed. On the other hand, it's a blessing in disguise. At least, I am seeing something that he might be hiding from me all this while.

 

[blingbride]

You cannot be the guardian angel for every other women he may try for, or even to protect his wife.. Just be glad that you escaped his clutches and just leave. No point actually to go to the trouble and extent of letting it known to his wife and trying to make him feel regretful or remorseful.. Not your job..

 

[sgbabydoll]

OK, so you are also interested in him.

You are lucky that you have found out his true colour early. Just move on from this person.

 

[whereto]

Simple logic, they lied abt their status, so as to get your trust and love, even if you found out one day, the trust might be gone, but the love is there. So you might still stay by his side for love and he gets best of both world.
So many example here!

 

[powder]

if u like him and wanna pursue a relationship then OK, go check watever... but then IF u need to check n u dun trust him... i'm not sure why u'd want this relationship in the first place.

if u dun like him, u're just wasting time n youth... which is rather boliao. If u wanna start a campaign, do it for better causes or join AWARE, Yellow ribbon project, AIDs etc... else against 1 man?

this is the same reason why terrorists exists... alot of boliao pple with no personal goals and dreams in life - who are manipulated by the same boliao leader...

 

[sgbabydoll]

Yes, your motive behind the check is definitely important.

But what's the point if you can't trust the person for his credibility and have to verify his words with someone else? I can't imagine being asked to produce my divorce certificate or for my ex-husband to be contacted to be ascertained of my marital status.

 

[whereto]

BTW, I hope the man you want to check on is not my hubby.
I know my hubby puts his status on those social networking site as single, asked him, he said forget to change or long time never log in.
And his friends also pretend to be single to bed girls.

 

[abilee]

What some of you said might be true that some wives know about the behaviour of their cheating hubbies but still agree to stick with him in the marriage. Whereas other wives might not take it lightly.

Whatever it is, I know it is very common for some married men to lie about their marital status (whether online or in person) to an unsuspecting girl.

My main motive of wanting to hear from the wife is more to check whether he's a habitual liar. Since he mentioned he was single when we first met and it's only after I confronted him about my knowledge of those pics, he owned up and said he's separated. I think there's nothing wrong to find out the truth of whether he is still continuing to lie after being found out once.

Those who have similiar experience or wives who suspect their hubbies are cheating online, you might want to send me personal email at [email protected] to verify if we are talking about the same person or anyone we might know in person.

Anyway, thanks for all your comments. Appreciate your time.

 

[sgbabydoll]

"My main motive of wanting to hear from the wife is more to check whether he's a habitual liar."

You don't have to ask his wife this. You can observe this yourself. If you find his behaviour sneaky and things that he says (not only about his marital status) don't add up, you would be able to tell what kind of person he is.

 

[joiedevivre]

Hi Abi Lee,

I have a close friend who also got to know a man like that so I understand where you are coming from...

> I think there's nothing wrong to find out the truth of whether he is still continuing to lie after being found out once.

Yes, you're correct, there is nothing wrong with you wanting to know. But there is something wrong if you approach the wife to ask her.

What if he was lying and they are still married? Do you think the wife will be thankful to you for exposing her husband?

As a wife, she will probably support him. More likely that she will be angry with you instead and may even conclude that you want to break up her marriage.

If you're really so curious, you can try asking your mutual friends... But I will advise you not to... because checking up on a man not related to you and who is not even close to you will make you seem (sorry) very desperate or like a busybody and someone with too much free time...

I'm sure you're not like in real life, so don't give people that kind of impression by taking the wrong actions...

 

[blingbride]

Abi,
You mention that you only want to find out if he's a habitual liar, that if he's always like that, bla bla bla. Can I ask you, what are you going to do by digging the matter all the way to the roots? What are you trying to achieve or gain? You are just consoling yourself and finding reason to back up your actual intention. Why are you trying to get to the bottom of the matter if you claim not to be attracted to him? What are you going to do either way with what your find is? I think you are merely finding trouble..

 

[simpleahgal]

Maybe Abi wanted revenge for being "cheated" .

She wan the guy to be exposed -> Disposed -> Incinerated so tat she can get her revenge.

Well, forget abt him and move on wif life.

 

[thommy]

If he's as sneaky as a church rat, just drop him like a sack of hot potatoes. He's not the only guy left in SG.

 

[serene_yam]

What's the point of digging? So what if the wife knows the truth? So what if this guy is being incinerated? So what? We have better things to do in our life than digging out people's stuff. Get on with your own life Abi, don't be sucked into his/others.

 

[sgbabydoll]

"Those who have similiar experience or wives who suspect their hubbies are cheating online, you might want to send me personal email at [email protected] to verify if we are talking about the same person or anyone we might know in person."

Abi, you are too hung up on him liao to go to that extent.

 

[abilee]

Doll,

It's not a matter of being hung up on him or not. Just read the various posts on such forums. Lots of unsuspecting single gals are in relationships with deceitful married men. Some married men are more blatant about their affairs but there are some who lie about their marital status. It is such married men that unsuspecting young gals should be wary about.

Anyway, his wife did give me a reply and I confirm he's still a married man. I have stopped seeing him.

 

[lovingyou]

Abi: It is easier to stop at the beginning... All the best to you...

 

[sgbabydoll]

Abi

No one can deceive you if you open your eyes wide. It's not a given that you can locate a wife who would tip you off on the man's marital status or expose other lies/stories he could have told you.

Not cursing you, but what if the next man you meet is really single but lies to you about his financial status or job? Do you demand to look at his bank statements, credit card statements, payslip or employment letter to ascertain who and what he is?

There are no victims in love but only willing parties.

It's your responsibility to observe and judge the character of men you encounter. Don't pass the buck to others.

 

[joiedevivre]

Agree that is easier to stop at the beginning... It is good that TS has stopped seeing the guy. If only more girls are as decisive as her...

 

[abilee]

Doll

You sound really self-righteous! I am not passing my responsibility to others. Please mind your words, DOLL! You don't even know me well to make such naive statement. The truth is that many men are cheating on their wives these days. It's just either they are blatant about it or they are deceitful about it. People do make genuine mistakes in life and it's not about not opening one's eyes wide.

 

[miloice]

u dun get it. Your only focus is about you confirming his words. Did you consider the feelings of the people while you go about your verification? Think again.

If he is sneaky and you cannot trust him, does speaking to his wife change that sneakiness in him? Should read the other thread where that gal went on to dig and contacted his wife. Despite the wife warning her, she is basically falling deaf ears. Hope u are not doing the same, looking for reasons to continue believe when the signs are clearly showing otherwise.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Abi, I cannot believe how naive you are to think you can help prevent women - wives, gfs or TOWs from being cheated by men! The only way a woman can be safe from being cheated is not to deal with any man at all.

You think by exposing these men you are helping? Are you going to be there for these women to help them pick up the broken pieces when they find out about the cheatings? Are you going to fund their PI hire? Are you going to fund their divorces?

About opening your eyes wide, I was telling you that you need to fish yourself to satisfy your own hunger, instead of having someone to fish for you, cook the fish and serve it on the table for your dinner.

For this bf, you were lucky that you found the wife and even verified his marital status with her, yet no backfiring from her. Would you get so lucky every single time?

Didn't this lesson teach you not to trust a man for his words only but to look out for congruent behaviours?