Dear all,
by coming here, i hope i can know and understand my situation better by sharing what i have been experiencing for the last 5 months. As i am a first timer here, i sincerely apologize if i have caused any discomfort or any displeasure by unintentionally reminding anyone of any unhappy incident.
I have been in a relationship with this woman (namely JW, she is also a member here as well) for coming to 6 months now and it has been a roller-coaster ride. I got to know her from an online dating website and when i jumped into the relationship with her after dating for 1 month, and also while she was still holding onto another relationship which wasnt going well. After finding out from her, it appears that this guy is a married guy who has a on/off relationship with his ex-wife. I too found out that 3 weeks after while we were together, she actually rushed to the airport to pick him up as a surprise. I got to know about this 3 months later when i felt that something was very wrong with her and asked her gently about it. In fact, i found out even more about her past which kinda puts me to a lot of questions, which i will ask from forum members here.
I m sure that given that situation, i admitted that i dont feel very good about it because while she was with me, she acted on impulse to deliberately pick him up from the airport. Her reason to me was, "i wanted to find out if i still have feelings for him, and this is a final test to see if i do, otherwise it would be unfair to me and that the hurt would be minimal were i to end it and go back to him." Seriously, my jaw dropped upon hearing it. I too must admit that although it wasnt right, but sure the hell it was right to do that when you are already in another relationship. Nonetheless, i couldnt make her see the point why it was wrong as i clearly cannot out-talk her because she is a professional sales person (No intentional offense or whatsoever intended, and apologies for any caused). I am also in the sales profession as well therefore i could quite clearly read and assess the body language involved.
This isnt just the only issue. JW is a married woman for 7 years. Currently she is undergoing separation which is still being contested by her husband which she wants to backdate so that it will end in 2012. The reason she claims that the marriage broke down was because there wasnt any love anymore and that her husband cannot perform in bed and that she had to fulfill her obligation as a wife and resulted in the cracks. As she didnt want to talk about it, i became more and more aware that something is very wrong and decided to investigate as i didnt want to be the implication for any reasons of her marriage problems. I had to hire a hacker and plant spyware in her communication devices, which was untraceable. To my astonishment, she was involved with another man who has close working relationship with her company and the sad part was that, he was also married. Upon reading the chatlogs in her email, i realised that the affair started before she decided to abandon the marriage which was exact one year from the backdated separation with her husband. This lead me to thinking that she made it legally clear that the separation took place before the affair started, do correct me if i am wrong. And upon looking deeper into the past, there were traces of mentioning about another previous affair which took place way before this affair!
Rightfully, i should be disgusted and walk out from her live straightaway but i didnt. I was patient and calm enough to ask her about it and she said she didnt want to bring up the past anymore because she knows it hasnt been glorious and not terrible proud of it. One day, she went through my phone and she found out that i have been keeping track of her movements, emails and smses and we had a showdown for everything and it was very emotional for both of us. And so, i didnt want to bring this up anymore because i do love this woman a lot and i too want to forget about it. Subsequently, 3 months into the relationship, and i began assessing her again, but this time it wasnt a third party or anything. It was just the way life is for her.
Through my failed marriage in 2008, i restricted myself not to jump into any relationship for fear of repercussions but then again, a good friend reminded me that there is no gain without any risks. Despite the first 3 months of our relationship, although there were back issues of her past haunting us, it has been good so far. She was very loving and attentive and i could not ask for anything else. We met regularly and never was there a day that we do not miss each other and we were deeply emotional and physically attached. However, things changed before we went for our holidays in early Oct and i thought it would get better after the holidays. As she was a high ranking staff in her company, there was much day to day work and many matters that needed attending to, and gradually, the attention became lesser and lesser. By the time the day was done, her energy level was all wasted up and there is nothing left for the day anymore. She attributes this to the industry and that there is no choice to make it easier. Our weekends were spent, or should i say, sleeping the entire day. It s not that i am not understanding, i do know that she is tired and i try to let her rest as much as possible, but again when the day is done, she is drained of energy again.
Another issue surface again, and this time it was her workaholism. She has been a workaholic right before she met me, reason was that she became like that because she was very affected by her past and only through burying herself in her work, only could she tire herself out and not think about it. This went on until she met the other married guy and then me. I was very concerned about her condition because this has caused her to suffer from EFS, or Excessive Fatigue Syndrome, where sufficient sleep and rest isnt enough to sustain her energy used up by her mind during work. She could send out emails in the wee hours of the morning and regardless of any day or time. Everything revolves around work all the time and much of the maintenance of our relationship was neglected. She was also very proactive in sustaining business to business relationships through smses, calls, visits and as well as an occasional small gestures like gifts or tokens of appreciation. You dont have to remind her anything regarding work and she will get it done nonetheless and she is an excellent employee. I have been neglected very much as well because i felt like i am the only one who is maintaining this relationship and i m trying to be as understanding as i can.
As a man, although i may require some form of physical satisfaction from her, but frankly speaking i have been single ever since my failed marriage and does not harbour any thoughts of comforting myself through physical stimulation in any forms for nearly 3 years nor I cannot subject myself to doing it without being emotionally attached. Our love and sex life was very much affected. Initially, there was plenty of communication between us, calls or smses when we are busy and just for a few minutes of hearing from your loved one is sufficient satisfaction enough to make the day better. There is no more calls, sms anymore other than "damn hot weather, today is hot, hot day etc." nowadays. Our dinners are also messed up because i finish work earlier and she is 1 hour later than me, which usually results in me arranging everything but it is tiring that i always have to plan, schedule, and fit it so that it can all fit into her timing and schedule. I guess, this is what you meant by being understanding. Lately, this has been taking its toll on me and i wish for once she can do something for me for a change. The minute she hits the bed, she can fall asleep in less than 2 minutes and that is very bad. We have been quarreling about where the relationship is heading and how this is progressing, there is practically no mood and no energy for anything. There is no energy for any mood, no energy for emotions even, that s what she says.
On this coming December, is our 6 months anniversary date and i wish it to be special. I made arrangements with a friend to help book 2 nights as both of us cant possibly drop our work and go on a holiday, to celebrate our ordeal, which i felt that the first 6 months of a relationship is the most turbulent and i planned to surprise her with a ring as an unofficial engagement ring so as to let her know how important she is in my life. She agreed to the event and asked if she needs to take any leave. Turns out, she had to go on a sales trip out of the country planned by the guy up there who knows when to pass the shit down then she coincidentally forgot that it was our time together. Through the recent squabbles and disagreements, it has been very tiring on both of us already and we are still trying to put in efforts to make this work. And i asked if would be able to set aside the time without making the sales call on the 2 days when i am around, she hesitate and decline saying that she will be back in the evenings, but not sure if she needs to head out for business dinner appointments. You see, to have me there and not being able to spend that special moment just to make it better, how would i feel? And she said that even if i dont go, there are many others would want to take a free trip there. What am i? A beggar? Traveling to any part of the world wouldnt mean anything to me because to me, she is my world. She said that i m inflexible, and sometimes we need to give and take a little, and i m not inflexible but sentimental enough to know what is important to me. This change of mindset upsets me a lot because she said that she had no choice but we can set a later date, or join her during her sales trip there. I am someone who values a lot on important dates and such because, it is a basic fundamental value to hold everything that is significant to us.
This relationship is getting harder and harder to maintain and it is wearing me out slowly. I am facing withdrawal symptoms already. I dont know if i can handle anymore of these issues and she says that i m not understanding despite me being a sensitive guy. She says that she has her needs and there is nothing she can change now, or when will this situation get better, but what about me and my needs? She admitted to me that it was because of her work and her absence from her marriage that has lead to many problems which she doesnt want to talk about it. Seriously, i find myself thinking at times, that i dont know if i should walk away from this and save myself all these redundant worries. I wish that she could have the same enthusiasm, commitment and initiative level with me as much as her work and i believe that there should be a more balance way of life. I am also tired of being unappreciated and neglected and the need for emotional and physical attachment is declining day by day.
It is sad that i cannot even sit down and discuss it with her over these issues because i have to be understanding and i have to resort to sharing my feelings here with everyone on this forum. I hope i can find an answer one day and be decisive before this relationship becomes a mess. Clearly, my head tells me that this woman is a very complicated and contradicting person whom i dont know if i can trust her, but my heart tells me otherwise.
Thanks for listening, everyone. And all the best to you out there!
by coming here, i hope i can know and understand my situation better by sharing what i have been experiencing for the last 5 months. As i am a first timer here, i sincerely apologize if i have caused any discomfort or any displeasure by unintentionally reminding anyone of any unhappy incident.
I have been in a relationship with this woman (namely JW, she is also a member here as well) for coming to 6 months now and it has been a roller-coaster ride. I got to know her from an online dating website and when i jumped into the relationship with her after dating for 1 month, and also while she was still holding onto another relationship which wasnt going well. After finding out from her, it appears that this guy is a married guy who has a on/off relationship with his ex-wife. I too found out that 3 weeks after while we were together, she actually rushed to the airport to pick him up as a surprise. I got to know about this 3 months later when i felt that something was very wrong with her and asked her gently about it. In fact, i found out even more about her past which kinda puts me to a lot of questions, which i will ask from forum members here.
I m sure that given that situation, i admitted that i dont feel very good about it because while she was with me, she acted on impulse to deliberately pick him up from the airport. Her reason to me was, "i wanted to find out if i still have feelings for him, and this is a final test to see if i do, otherwise it would be unfair to me and that the hurt would be minimal were i to end it and go back to him." Seriously, my jaw dropped upon hearing it. I too must admit that although it wasnt right, but sure the hell it was right to do that when you are already in another relationship. Nonetheless, i couldnt make her see the point why it was wrong as i clearly cannot out-talk her because she is a professional sales person (No intentional offense or whatsoever intended, and apologies for any caused). I am also in the sales profession as well therefore i could quite clearly read and assess the body language involved.
This isnt just the only issue. JW is a married woman for 7 years. Currently she is undergoing separation which is still being contested by her husband which she wants to backdate so that it will end in 2012. The reason she claims that the marriage broke down was because there wasnt any love anymore and that her husband cannot perform in bed and that she had to fulfill her obligation as a wife and resulted in the cracks. As she didnt want to talk about it, i became more and more aware that something is very wrong and decided to investigate as i didnt want to be the implication for any reasons of her marriage problems. I had to hire a hacker and plant spyware in her communication devices, which was untraceable. To my astonishment, she was involved with another man who has close working relationship with her company and the sad part was that, he was also married. Upon reading the chatlogs in her email, i realised that the affair started before she decided to abandon the marriage which was exact one year from the backdated separation with her husband. This lead me to thinking that she made it legally clear that the separation took place before the affair started, do correct me if i am wrong. And upon looking deeper into the past, there were traces of mentioning about another previous affair which took place way before this affair!
Rightfully, i should be disgusted and walk out from her live straightaway but i didnt. I was patient and calm enough to ask her about it and she said she didnt want to bring up the past anymore because she knows it hasnt been glorious and not terrible proud of it. One day, she went through my phone and she found out that i have been keeping track of her movements, emails and smses and we had a showdown for everything and it was very emotional for both of us. And so, i didnt want to bring this up anymore because i do love this woman a lot and i too want to forget about it. Subsequently, 3 months into the relationship, and i began assessing her again, but this time it wasnt a third party or anything. It was just the way life is for her.
Through my failed marriage in 2008, i restricted myself not to jump into any relationship for fear of repercussions but then again, a good friend reminded me that there is no gain without any risks. Despite the first 3 months of our relationship, although there were back issues of her past haunting us, it has been good so far. She was very loving and attentive and i could not ask for anything else. We met regularly and never was there a day that we do not miss each other and we were deeply emotional and physically attached. However, things changed before we went for our holidays in early Oct and i thought it would get better after the holidays. As she was a high ranking staff in her company, there was much day to day work and many matters that needed attending to, and gradually, the attention became lesser and lesser. By the time the day was done, her energy level was all wasted up and there is nothing left for the day anymore. She attributes this to the industry and that there is no choice to make it easier. Our weekends were spent, or should i say, sleeping the entire day. It s not that i am not understanding, i do know that she is tired and i try to let her rest as much as possible, but again when the day is done, she is drained of energy again.
Another issue surface again, and this time it was her workaholism. She has been a workaholic right before she met me, reason was that she became like that because she was very affected by her past and only through burying herself in her work, only could she tire herself out and not think about it. This went on until she met the other married guy and then me. I was very concerned about her condition because this has caused her to suffer from EFS, or Excessive Fatigue Syndrome, where sufficient sleep and rest isnt enough to sustain her energy used up by her mind during work. She could send out emails in the wee hours of the morning and regardless of any day or time. Everything revolves around work all the time and much of the maintenance of our relationship was neglected. She was also very proactive in sustaining business to business relationships through smses, calls, visits and as well as an occasional small gestures like gifts or tokens of appreciation. You dont have to remind her anything regarding work and she will get it done nonetheless and she is an excellent employee. I have been neglected very much as well because i felt like i am the only one who is maintaining this relationship and i m trying to be as understanding as i can.
As a man, although i may require some form of physical satisfaction from her, but frankly speaking i have been single ever since my failed marriage and does not harbour any thoughts of comforting myself through physical stimulation in any forms for nearly 3 years nor I cannot subject myself to doing it without being emotionally attached. Our love and sex life was very much affected. Initially, there was plenty of communication between us, calls or smses when we are busy and just for a few minutes of hearing from your loved one is sufficient satisfaction enough to make the day better. There is no more calls, sms anymore other than "damn hot weather, today is hot, hot day etc." nowadays. Our dinners are also messed up because i finish work earlier and she is 1 hour later than me, which usually results in me arranging everything but it is tiring that i always have to plan, schedule, and fit it so that it can all fit into her timing and schedule. I guess, this is what you meant by being understanding. Lately, this has been taking its toll on me and i wish for once she can do something for me for a change. The minute she hits the bed, she can fall asleep in less than 2 minutes and that is very bad. We have been quarreling about where the relationship is heading and how this is progressing, there is practically no mood and no energy for anything. There is no energy for any mood, no energy for emotions even, that s what she says.
On this coming December, is our 6 months anniversary date and i wish it to be special. I made arrangements with a friend to help book 2 nights as both of us cant possibly drop our work and go on a holiday, to celebrate our ordeal, which i felt that the first 6 months of a relationship is the most turbulent and i planned to surprise her with a ring as an unofficial engagement ring so as to let her know how important she is in my life. She agreed to the event and asked if she needs to take any leave. Turns out, she had to go on a sales trip out of the country planned by the guy up there who knows when to pass the shit down then she coincidentally forgot that it was our time together. Through the recent squabbles and disagreements, it has been very tiring on both of us already and we are still trying to put in efforts to make this work. And i asked if would be able to set aside the time without making the sales call on the 2 days when i am around, she hesitate and decline saying that she will be back in the evenings, but not sure if she needs to head out for business dinner appointments. You see, to have me there and not being able to spend that special moment just to make it better, how would i feel? And she said that even if i dont go, there are many others would want to take a free trip there. What am i? A beggar? Traveling to any part of the world wouldnt mean anything to me because to me, she is my world. She said that i m inflexible, and sometimes we need to give and take a little, and i m not inflexible but sentimental enough to know what is important to me. This change of mindset upsets me a lot because she said that she had no choice but we can set a later date, or join her during her sales trip there. I am someone who values a lot on important dates and such because, it is a basic fundamental value to hold everything that is significant to us.
This relationship is getting harder and harder to maintain and it is wearing me out slowly. I am facing withdrawal symptoms already. I dont know if i can handle anymore of these issues and she says that i m not understanding despite me being a sensitive guy. She says that she has her needs and there is nothing she can change now, or when will this situation get better, but what about me and my needs? She admitted to me that it was because of her work and her absence from her marriage that has lead to many problems which she doesnt want to talk about it. Seriously, i find myself thinking at times, that i dont know if i should walk away from this and save myself all these redundant worries. I wish that she could have the same enthusiasm, commitment and initiative level with me as much as her work and i believe that there should be a more balance way of life. I am also tired of being unappreciated and neglected and the need for emotional and physical attachment is declining day by day.
It is sad that i cannot even sit down and discuss it with her over these issues because i have to be understanding and i have to resort to sharing my feelings here with everyone on this forum. I hope i can find an answer one day and be decisive before this relationship becomes a mess. Clearly, my head tells me that this woman is a very complicated and contradicting person whom i dont know if i can trust her, but my heart tells me otherwise.
Thanks for listening, everyone. And all the best to you out there!
