Should i have more freedom?

snoopies

New Member
et.leen

Talking about marriage to your parents right now is not the right time. They may think that you are saying this out without any serious planning and thoughts. This is true.. coz to them, you are only in a 2 months old relationship, what is there to talk about marriage.

Why do you want to settle down young? Is there a particular reason to it?

To me, settling down at young age from 23 is fine but you must have a thorough planning and serious thoughts if thats really what you want, coz your freedom will be restricted and alot of will be constraint too.
 


miloice

Well-Known Member
etleen, what you have listed are more logistics. What are your goals in life? Where do you picture yourself 5 yrs or 20 yrs down the road? How about your career? When do you want to have kids? Do you see a soul mate in your bf? What if you meet someone else later in your life that you find more compatible? Are you confident about going thr hardships together and still wanting to remain together throughout? How do you value between family, relationships and your personal ambitions?

And getting to know the in laws is alot more than a few meet ups especially for the MIL.
 

etleen

New Member
snoopies,

i know being 2 months into the r/s is simply to early to talk abt marriage.. but im trying to hint/tell my parents that i might have intention to settle down young..

of cuz i know getting married is easy.. it's juz signing on the ROM cert.. but maintaining the marriage is not easy.. esp when money issues, in-laws issues, children's issues, etc. are involved. . i did thought abt all this.. but to my parents.. assume that i take "marriage for fun"..
 

powder

Active Member
i wanted to be a sex-god at 17 but at 23 i only wanted to be with 1 special girl...

i wanted to be a pilot at 20 but now i think i can't survive on pilot's pay...

i wanted to be a bachelor at 25 but by 30 i wanted to have kids...

now i want to retire with 7mil before 40 but i guess by 38 i may give the money away and just do something else...

Difference is, most of the decisions can be altered. marriage can also be altered... kids - Cannot. just take note...

and trust me on this, Everything u know Today... is only a small small portion of what u'll know Tomorrow... even at 35, i'm stil very much a frog-in-the-pond... a big pond. u're more likely to be in the well, than out of it... it's in the way u speak.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
At 17, I wanted to beat up alot of people including my dad. Tell them off, teach them what I think is right and feel like murdering all the taxi drivers.
At 21, I wanted to be a professional bowler. And I really beat up my dad and chased him out of the house.
At 23, all I wanted is to find a good paying job and a suitable gal (with big boobs), marry have kids and stay in a condo. You are probably in the similar state of mind as me here...
At 28, I realized how important my family is. And how my body is not made of steel.
At 34, I totally regretted how I beat up my dad but too late to say sorry. With no kids yet, all I wanted is to appreciate my family while they are around and push my career while I can. If the kid comes, its good. But I'm not going to spend a fortune to conceive.
 

alcifertoh

New Member
It's sounds more to me like campaigning for the "I have grown up" purpose and marriage and such are potrayed like campaigning tools I seen here.

Rather than saying it is easy to get married, I would say it's even whole lot easier to talk about marriage than on the course to it and then maintaining it.

Actually all these might seem to be the same buckets of water which your parents had pour on you. But well, these are just the frank comments and advices from those who had walked the path and are at the places where you wanted to be and are still walking themselves. Just like your parents, and any other parents.
 

strad

New Member
etleen,

I think for now on, stop hinting/telling your parents anything about settling down or that both of you are serious. Instead work harder on weekly activity with them to gain trust.
Actions speaks louder than words.

This is a process needed for most bfs to be recognised by the parent. There's no shortcut to it.
 

simpleman

Active Member
Instead of marriage, I would actually suggest to take more time.. if die die must stay together then
co-habitation... yes, it may be frowned upon but it helps you to get to know your the other half much better. But be prepared to have protection as children will change the dimension dramatically..

Actually I don't think 21 is too young. There is no arbitrary age for marriage as long aS we are ready mentally, emotionallly and financially.

But really I don't know why would parents want to prevent their children from learning from mistakes. Let them fall and let them pick themselves up.
 

lovingyou

New Member
etleen: May I know how old is your bf? How long have you started working? The problem now is: it is not a matter that you can't marry young but more on the pt is you might be basing your feelings on what you are feeling now. Everyone wants to marry the person at the start of the r/s, that's why we said that it is the honeymoon term. You might feel this way now, but you might not be feeling that in like few yrs down the road. This is all of us trying to tell you.
 

etleen

New Member
littlewomen,

my bf is 29.. started working for slightly more than 1.5 yrs..

guess maybe it's becuz of the dateline set by his mum.. that's why i started to get little pressured and rushed into certain thoughts..
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
It is natural. Folks have their own agenda too. Your bf is 29, will be in suitable age for marriage and she wants to carry grandson asap.

Don't be pressurized by anyone into a marriage. You have to be absolutely clear of what you are getting into. Open eyes big big and take time to observe 1st lah. If your bf is really what you need and what, then plan the marriage and all the logistic. At any time, you can still pull the plug. Don't dive your head in like there is no return.

You must be comfortable and confident about things. Don't expect things to be rosy and MIL to be always nice. He will come home stressed from work and he will prioritize and focus on other things too. Guys work in boxes - ONE AT A TIME. Now, in the honeymoon period, u will feel so nice with him cos, his marriage and romance box is currently opened.

Not many guys are willing to concurrently work on several boxes. They expect their spouses to understand that.
 

lovingyou

New Member
etleen: U dun have to bother that much, more importantly is are u ready? How much do you understand him, his wants, his mindset etc. Why allow others to have a control over your life? You should have your own mindset, allow yourself the time and chance to understand your bf, dun give yourself too much pressure and dun allow yourself to be stressed into making any impt decisions.
 
I agree with salsa's point.

lol~ Are u thinking too much into that casual remark from bf's mum? Your bf hasn't even proposed to u yet and u are already 'daydreaming' about marriage.

Btw, why do you listen to words from your bf's mum more than those from your own mum? Remember, your own mum understands u much better than your bf's mum.
 

salsa_babe

New Member
Exactly lor Green.

Just bcoz she sets the dateline...and you have to follow. At the end of the day...you yourself feel pressurized.

No one shld 'help' to decide when you shld get married. The couple shld know when they are ready to take on the next phase of life.
 

etleen

New Member
littlewomen:
i should have my mindset of my own.. i should have my own life.. so does it mean that my parents control me too?

green:
im dunno if im thinking too much... cuz my bf bought new bed for our future use.. we had so much plans for our future.. maybe it's becuz it's still honeymoon period..

juz called my bf and told him that im not meeting him tonite cuz im going home for dinner.. and he asked.. "why your parents never invite me? izzit that they dun like me?" i feel very hurt when i hear him say that.. and i have to keep assuring him that becuz my dad is busy.. not becuz they dun like him..
 

lovingyou

New Member
etleen: your parents controlling you just coz they showed concern of you travelling with a boy whom you dated for less than 2 months? Please spare a thot on how might they be worried for you too? You have a mindset on your own but doesn't mean that they aren't worried for you and asking you not to go ahead with the plans is not a form of trying to control you but coz they are worried for you, their daughter. Which couple don't feel exceptionally blissful at the start of the honeymoon period? Such comments doesn't necessary mean a whole big world. I think your bf is kinda of being pushy here, pardon me for saying that. 2 months and he expects to join in every single family outing?
 

etleen

New Member
littlewomen:

of cuz i wont decide on an impulsive manner. i know marriage is for a lifetime and the least i want to do is to divorce. i've seen how children grow up with single parent and i never want my children to grow up in that kind of environment..

of cuz, my bf wouldnt want it too since he grew up in a single parent family. he wanted to have a complete family and that is why we often talk abt our future together.

right now, i juz feel so tight, stressed and couldnt breathe. i thought by going on a short trip would relief myself a little but it's not the case. i've got work, school, exams and other problems to handle and now such problems.
 

etleen

New Member
littlewomen,

he's not being pushy.. he suggested to bring my parents for breakfast but my dad had medical appt.. another time, i wanted to get him to my place the dinner 2nd time.. my mum said too soon (acceptable cuz 1st time was only last week)..

bf suggest to bring my parents out for breakfast this sat, i told him that my dad is working half-day.. so he suggest my mum, bro, myself and him.. when i suggest to my mum on msn, she was busy and couldnt reply me yet..

i can see tat my bf wants to mingle with my family.. he even brought them desserts even before meeting them.. bought them snacks.. always wanted to bring them out for meals.. but it's coincidence that my dad is not available..

and now that such things happened, i think it's somewat natural for him to think that my parents didnt like him.. and i feel very bad and hurt..
 

lovingyou

New Member
etleen: wedding is a dream to every girl and it is up to individual to know whether they are ready for it. Since like what u mentioned, you are already so stressed up with so much things, why not leave this aside and focus on your studies at this pt in time? 2 months and you are talking about him joining in every gathering, my friend just broke off with his gf after being together for 5 months plus. What I am trying to say is since I can feel that he is being "pushy" I don't think your parents can't feel it. At times, overdoing of one thing will cause an adverse effect.
 

strad

New Member
etleen,

i feel that your bf need to be more confident. and agree with littlewoman that he's a bit pushy here. Advise him to work his way up.
It took me 2.5 yrs to be accepted by my PIL, and the end result is fruitful.
Not saying he needs to spend this long, but really think he needs to put in more effort.
 

lovingyou

New Member
There is still chances.. why rush? I mean it is a fact that your dad is busy, hence, not advisable to be too senstive over this issue and I agree with what your mum says: too soon.. it is realli kinda of soon..
 

vios

New Member
are u guys going to be unwed parents soon?

don't mind me, cos other than the joint efforts in aggressively pursuing ur parents to accept him Immediately...
i can't help having such thoughts when i also read that ur bf declared so-so furniture as a joint thingy liao...

or, are u his very first gf?
 

salsa_babe

New Member
I dunno lah but is there a need to feel hurt or bad? Your dad IS really busy...no time to meet him. Not as if he is doing it on purpose.

Your bf needs to be more sensitive. And hor...asking such question sounds childish to me
 

snoopies

New Member
Ya.. Don’t stress or read too much into this.

Wait till your bf propose to you leow than you start to think ahead ba~
~ focus more on building the bonds now
~ focus on strengthening your relationship when times comes
~ Bring more sparkle to your love life…
~ focus in your careers
~ assist ur bf to establish his career,
~ be the important woman behind him.
All these above are much more impt at this stage, and there are many many more you can do.

Marriage aside first.
 

strad

New Member
it's good that he trys to mingle with your parents.
Advise him to continue "giving", and not expecting for "returns".
It will come eventually...
 

lovingyou

New Member
Agree with you Salsa. Is like, we have to wait for acceptance and prove our sincerity via actions and not expect immediate acceptance.
 

lovingyou

New Member
Clarification: There is this thin line, cross it, it becomes no tact and too pushy, and being parents, they are always more observant than us.
 

snoopies

New Member
I doubt anyone will wanna go through divorce in any first place...but sometimes always got shit happens and then really LPPL...

Talking about the future... buying new bed and such may of coz sound beautiful to you... words come cheap.. and he need the bed afterall...

There's nothing you can do much since your parents drawing the lines clearly for now.. wait n see how things goes... too pushy can kills.
 

vios

New Member
seriously, is there a need to get approval in a short notice unless it's of certain consequences?
If your bf is judged to be a sincere guy, it's a matter of time for the parents' acceptance.

however, there is no doubt that they do feel that u are trying too hard to "market" your bf - whose Insecurity actually becomes a major part of your worries at this point - gotta speak up and address this part with him Now...

which will resolve a huge chuck of the so-called problems, slowly but steadily...
 
Snoopies,
The more TS defends her dream, the more I feel that she's desperate for the bf's love and wants to tie him down with the cert.

Yes, words are cheap. If TS drags the bf to ROM agency to register the marriage this week, let's see if he will keep his word or run off?

Some guys use the promise of rom and marriage to coax the gfs to have sex earlier with them. It's a trick that has worked for centuries lol.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Green, don't suggest something like that. How would the parents react if they really go ahead and register the marriage.

I think the bf is basically looking for someone suitable to get the marriage done with. This is his current box. The marriage, quite natural to want results asap. Why do u think there r so many divorces and short lived marriages. If everyone is really clear of what they really want & need, stop living in their dreams & fantasies abt marriages, there would be less disappointments and more fulfilling relationships.
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
"first 3 mths, yes, yet to go thru ups and downs but we had our fair share of big and small arguments."

Etleen, you think big and small arguments are part and parcel of a normal relationship? I don't think so. Please think again if your relationship involves a lot of hard work. Not really a good sign especially when it's still at its infancy.
 

etleen

New Member
hello everyone..

after a breakdown (due to work and exam stress) last nite, my mum managed to calm me down and talk to me..

yup.. it is miscomm.. and im too gan jiong.. mum tried to reason things out.. it's my misinterpretation of bf's words as well.. (oh well, i wonder why)..so bf is not being pushy..

anyway, snoopies is right.. should do the following now..
"~ focus more on building the bonds now
~ focus on strengthening your relationship when times comes
~ Bring more sparkle to your love life…
~ focus in your careers
~ assist ur bf to establish his career,
~ be the important woman behind him. "

big thanks to you guys.. for drilling some thoughts into me.. after i cried out after my breakdown.. and talking to mum.. i felt much better and is able to concentrate on exams now.. =)
 

lovingyou

New Member
et.leen: There is always a time set for doing different and certain things, concentrate on your priority; keep focus on your upcoming exams and good luck.
 

vios

New Member
hey! there's only one little woman here, not all hor...

i don't know if it's only me, but i really thought that ur bf is the Major Factor to ur topsy-turvy feelings/emotions and those dreamy thoughts...

u gotta explore the main source, else u'll be creating a false picture for yourself.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
the honeymoon is hardly a good period to evaluate if things really work.

etleen, glad that you finally make sense of it all. The relationship can be very useful in helping us discover more about not just our partners but ourselves as well. This walk of discovery is a continuous and long one. Don't kan cheong. No need to rush to 'grow up'.
 

lovingyou

New Member
Well said..
happy.gif
 

zzzz

New Member
enjoy the pak tor period... once u step into marriage, there will be more things to stress over like PIL, house, monthly bills, kids, etc...

kinda miss the pak tor time where we dun need to bother abt all these.. juz go out and have fun... hehe
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
maybe cos we have no kids. we have been paktol since 8 yrs back when we met. 4 yrs of marriage doesn't change that. Neither does MIL, bills etc.
 

cuclainne

New Member
not impossible to do when you have kids .. i just came back from a 5-day vacation with the husband - no doubt we missed the kids a lot but we also appreciated having the time off to ourselves ..
 

zzzz

New Member
but it wun feel the same with kids ba... w/o kids we can go anywhere anytime.. with kids have to find someone to take care of them...

tend to lose that kind of freedom...
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
its the same with elderly actually. We also worry no one to take care of them.

The choice is really still there mostly. We just choice to limit them ourselves.
 


cuclainne

New Member
i agree that it's easier to get up and just go when you don't have kids .. but having kids does not mean that you have to forego certain lifestyle choices .. it's just a matter of prioritising.

like previously, when we go on vacation, we just have to plan for ourselves .. now, when we go as a family, we spend time doing what the kids want during the day and then go do our couple thing after they've been to bed. one of the nicest memories i had of our last family vacation was spending the day at an open-air zoo with the kids and then after they've been to bed (with my mom babysitting them), we went out to the pub at 11pm and afterwards took a walk to a park that overlooks the city .. as it was summer then, it only started getting dark at around 1am so it was nice to have a really long day to do all that i love to do .. spend time with the kids and husband
happy.gif
 

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